BIFL - Playoffs Rounds 2 & 3 Review

Yuh-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.
I think I did it again. It's all over, folks, and your champions - for the third time in four years - are the Ass-Ramming HotCocks.  And while the first two championship teams had quite a bit of carry-over, the only player in common between the 2007 Champs and this year's was London Fletcher. What up, LFB! I believe that's what you call a dynasty, and it's also a big middle finger to anyone who doubted my #1 Power Ranking. Who's laughing now?

...actually, it's Shoaf and Bardey, who are splitting my winnings due to the fact that I owe them both a bunch of money. Oh well, I'll always have my imaginary trophy and the history page of the BIFL site. And this blog entry, which chronicles the final two rounds of the playoffs... after the jump.

NBD - Playoffs Rounds 2 & 3 Review

It was a wild and woolly ride, but we've reached the end. The 2009 NBD Season has come to a close, and your new Champion is... the Wild Stallions! Congratulations to DeYoung, who squeaked out a championship win in probably the closest NBDBowl that any of us will ever see. DeYoung will take home $650 for his defeat of Colly's Who Gonna Check Me Boo? in the Finals. Colly himself takes home a decent chunk of change as well, earning $300 for the 2nd-place prize as well as $150 for winning the regular season. Finally, Elliott's F You Tom Brady will have their entry fee refunded for nabbing 3rd place. Congrats to all the money-winners and to everyone for another fun season. For details on how these guys managed to grab their cash (and bobblehead/t-shirt), read on...

BIFL - P & P Wrap-Up

So I've decided not to do any Previews & Predictions for the playoffs (other than my Playoff Power Rankings), meaning that the record books on my picking accuracy have closed for the year. I finished up Weeks 12 and 13 with a solid 9-3 run, bringing my season total to 46-26. That's a .639 record, which I'd wager is better than ESPN's predictions. But unsatisfied with merely being right on nearly two-thirds of my picks, I decided to delve deeper and see if there were any particular trends to my picking or teams that I was more or less right or wrong about. The results:

NBD - P & P Wrap-Up

So I've decided not to do any Previews & Predictions for the playoffs (other than my Playoff Power Rankings), meaning that the record books on my picking accuracy have closed for the year. I finished up Weeks 12 and 13 with a solid 9-3 run, bringing my season total to 48-24. That means I picked the winner in exactly two-thirds of the NBD match-ups this year, which is a record I'd put up against any so-called "professional" fantasy writer. (That's right, Brandon Funston. I'm talking to you.) But unsatisfied with merely being right on 67% of my picks, I decided to delve deeper and see if there were any particular trends to my picking or teams that I was more or less right or wrong about. The results:

BIFL - Playoffs Round 1 Review

Gee, with Donovan McNabb sipping Mai Tais in St. Barth's, Anquan Boldin working on his much-anticipated alto sax jazz fusion album ("Return of the Q"), and Chris Johnson browsing eastern North Carolina's yard sales and swap meets (a Sunday habit dating back to his college days), the bye week-laden HotCocks and I had almost forgotten that there were BIFL games last weekend. Bereft though the league must have been at our absence, I figured I'd do some write-ups anyway. Here you go:

NBD - Playoffs Round 1 Review

Whoever gave the go-ahead to the series of Gap ads currently in heavy rotation featuring grade school children performing cheerleader-like chants deserves to have this done to him or her:

...and not just being swung, encased in a sleeping bag, into a tree, but the whole thing. They should have to go, with friends, to a cabin in the woods for a weekend of debauchery. They should be made to feel all the nervous, giddy excitement of a teenage girl ready to lose her virginity in a tent. And then a hulking, undead beast in a ghastly mask should machete his way into that tent, zip them inside a sleeping bag, and beat them to death against a tree.
God damn I hate those commercials. Now that I got that out of my system...

Round 1 of the 2009 Playoffs doubled as Family Feud week and tripled as a generational war, with the Toobins and Tarasovics squaring off in a pair of quarterfinal match-ups. While I would have been happy to claim familial superiority by seeing my dad and I both advance to the next round, I take solace in the fact that if my blood was not entirely successful, at least my age group was. For further details...

BIFL - Week 13 Review C & Power Rankings 2.2

As promised, we finish off the Week 13 Reviews with a Power Ranking of the Playoff teams. As usual, I took a scientific approach, setting my personal feelings and biases aside (note: not really) and looking at the statistics. Here's what I came up with:

NBD - Week 13 Review C & Power Rankings 2.2

The Playoffs kick off with a bang this week, with intriguing cross-familial match-ups as Toobin the Elder takes on Sovic the Younger and Sovic the Elder takes on Toobin the Younger. Colly and DeYoung would seem to be in positions of advantage, having Byes for the first round, but are they really the favorites here? To find out, I decided to create some Playoff Power Rankings.

BIFL - Week 13 Review B & Power Rankings 2.1

As promised, we're accompanying this week's re-caps with some new Power Rankings, divided into two divisions. The first we'll cover here: The 2010 Keeper Power Rankings for the Consolation Bracket. Your 2009 season may be over, boys, but all that means is that the 2010 season starts a little bit sooner for y'all. Here is an (extremely) early look at the year to come:

NBD - Week 13 Review B

There's actual NFL football happening right now, but I'm not done with last week's re-caps, nor do I get the NFL Network. So as far as I'm concerned, it's still Week 13.

BIFL - Week 13 Review A

The dust has settled, the air is cleared, and the 2009 BIFL regular season has come to an end. We now know who is in the playoffs and who is out. Congratulations to Dekker, Souts, Billy, Bardey, Will and me: your second season starts now. To the rest of you: better luck next year. Later in the week I'll be publishing two new sets of Power Rankings, one ranking the playoff teams and their odds of success here in the post-season, and one ranking the consolation bracket and the strength of their keepers for next season. For now, though, let's dive into the last week of Biffle aught-nine.

NBD - Week 13 Review A & Power Rankings 2.1

Well, here we are. The 2009 NBD regular season has reached its conclusion, and for some of you the long slumber of eight months of fantasy hibernation begins. But you know I wouldn't leave you with only the bitter anguish of your disappointing seasons to tide you over. As my parting gift to those of you out of the playoffs, I'm starting this week's game reviews off with a 2010 Keeper Power Rankings list. The remaining teams will be profiled later this week in my 2009 Playoff Power Rankings. Enjoy

BIFL - Week 13 Previews & Predictions

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NBD - Week 13 Previews & Predictions

Here we are in the last week of the regular season, and maybe my last P&P of the year (haven't decided yet whether I'm gonna preview the playoffs or let them speak for themselves). I had planned on including some power rankings here, with one bracket for the playoff teams and another for next year's contenders, but then I woke up at noon with a hangover after some holiday festivities last night. So we're going for some super-brief predictions, and I'll publish the rankings later on today.

Deadlock, featuring Stephen Tobolowsky #4

It was a good week for the Deadlock last week, nailing three of four bets and bringing me into an imaginary positive balance (+$20). Time to turn that into some real (fake) money.

New England (-4.5) at Miami
Here's what Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and co. have done after losses this season: beat Atlanta by 16, beat Tennessee by 59, beat New York by 17. You think they're not gonna come out angry after that embarrassing loss to the Saints last week? You think Belichick doesn't have the Wildcat figured out by now, especially in its watered-down, Ronnie Brown-less version? Much as I hate them, Pats are gonna roll in this one.
$40 on the Patriots

San Francisco (-1.5) at Seattle
Neither of these teams is very good, but they are in the same division. The Niners won their first face-off this season, in San Fran, so I'm thinking that divisional parity will win out in this one and even things out. The Seahawks have won two of their last three, and the 49ers pretty much need this one to stay alive, playoffs-wise. That's when teams that aren't very good (like this one) crumble.
$15 on the Seahawks

Minnesota Vikings (-3) at Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals have been up-and-down all season long. The Vikings have been exclusively up. Way the fuck up. They look awesome. This seems too easy, and probably is. But...
$30 on the Vikings

Baltimore Ravens (+3) at Green Bay Packers
It's December, time for toughness. From what I've seen so far this year, Baltimore has it and Green Bay doesn't.
$15 on the Ravens

BIFL - Week 12 Review B

I just can't get enough of these animals fighting. We're picking up right where we left off...

NBD - Week 12 Review B

For all intents and purposes, this post will wrap up the NBD regular season. Sure, there is still some jostling for position among the playoff teams to be done; and the bottom half of the league still has some work to do determining their draft lottery odds, but that's about it in terms of suspense. So before the write-ups, I thought it might be fun to look back at some things I observed back at the beginning of the season and see how they turned out.

BIFL - Week 12 Review A

Sometimes when I'm sitting around, thinking about writing up game reviews or previews or what have you, I use the internet as my "muse," surfing around randomly to find something to inspire my editorial voice.

Sometimes when I'm sitting around, somewhat lifted, I think about animals fighting.

But not until tonight did it occur to me, whilst posting, to Google image search "animals fighting." I will let the results speak for themselves, and guide us through this week's re-caps.

NBD - Week 12 Review A

With a triple-header on Thanksgiving Thursday, and nearly every single game involving some players from the Monday Night Saints-Pats tilt, this may have been the most prolonged week of NBD excitement and suspense to date. Now that it's over, though, you'll all have to savor it for a few weeks because the regular season is, for all intents and purposes, over. Sure, there is still some jockeying to be done for playoff seeding, but the six post-season contenders are decided. Congrats to Joe, Elliott, Jon, Michael, Ray and me. To the rest of you: better luck next year. Let's see how we got to this point...

Sovic's Magical Monday Night

In two weeks, when each of my fantasy teams bows ingloriously out of the playoffs, I'm likely to gnash my teeth, hang my head in shame, and wonder why it is that I spend hour upon hour, season after season putting so much time and effort into this imaginary game that brings me so much pain and sorrow. When I do, I will try to remind myself of last night, when everything that could go well for my fantasy portfolio did. Let's take this league by league, from the least miraculous to the most:

BIFL: Ass-Ramming HotCocks (me) vs. Charm City Murder (Andre)
After Sunday: Andre held a 20-point lead (97.5-77) with no one left to play. I held a good chance of catching him, with a trio of Saints (Pierre Thomas, Marques Colston, and Robert Meachem) left to go. I felt confident, but with Thomas splitting carries with Bell, Colston coming off of a few down weeks, and Meachem catching about two passes a week (fortunately, they were usually touchdown passes), there was no guarantee.
On Monday Night: With the Saints offense clicking on all cylinders, this went from a Menomena to a phenomenal ass-whupping. When Robert Meachem caught a 38-yard touchdown pass with 1:50 left in the first half, the HotCocks went ahead and never looked back.
Final Score: HotCocks 123, Murder 97.5

NBD: The Death Panel (me) vs. Woody's Warriors (Sherwood)
After Sunday: Woody held a seemingly insurmountable 52-point lead (101.6-49.4) but was done for the week. Still to play for the Panel: Drew Brees, Laurence Maroney, and the Saints Defense. This combination seemed relatively hopeless, in that a good day by Brees (obviously necessary to my comeback hopes) would probably lead to more passing and less running from the Pats and Maroney, and even if Maroney had success, it would cost the Saints D.
On Monday Night: The absolutely perfect storm of fantasy scoring. Breesus Christ came through with his biggest game since Week 1; Maroney was the only thing working for the Patriots; and the Saints gave up some scoring but got those points back with turnovers and sacks. Somewhere around the end of the third quarter/start of the fourth, we blew by Sherwood.
Final Score: Death Panel 111.84, Woody's Warriors 101.6

Uberleague: Drunk Drivers: Live-Saving Nerds (me) vs. I am Dr. Galazkiewic (Larson)
After Sunday: This one was over, done, finito. I was only down by one point, but each of us had a player yet to go. Mine: kicker John Carney, averaging about 7.5 points per game. His: quarterback Tom Brady, guaranteed Hall of Famer, one of the best QBs of all time, averaging 18 points per game. Unwinnable.
On Monday Night: Though the Pats offense tried to keep pace with the Saints, the touchdowns came from the run game (see: Laurence Maroney in the NBD game) and Brady was throwing picks and taking sacks. Meanwhile, John Carney chugged hideously through the game, bouncing PATs off the uprights and missing field goals, but scoring points nonetheless. When Carney missed a 37-yarder with 5:26 left I was worried, but the Pats started the next drive with Brett Hoyer under center, and a victory was iced.
Final Score: DDs: Life-Saving Nerds 81, I am Dr. Galazkiewic 79

Three huge comebacks. Three wins. And maybe, just maybe, all three teams sneaking into the playoffs. This is not even to mention the fact that the Saints' win brought me my biggest Deadlock success to date, having nailed three of four picks this week. Truly, this was a Monday Night never to forget.

Deadlock, featuring Mimi Rogers #3

I missed last week, and the week before I lost 40 imaginary dollars, putting me at $-30 on the season. Time to dig out of that hole. Three games have already occured, meaning I have a limited slate of games to choose from. I press on, undaunted. Undaunted, I say!

Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) at Houston Texans
The Colts own the Texans. They fucking own them. In their head-to-head match-ups, the Colts have won 14 times, and the Texans have won once. I know this is maybe the best Texan team we've ever seen. And I know this is in Houston. And I know that the Texans need a win way more than the Colts do. But I still think the Colts take this one, and I think they do it by more than 3.5.
$25 on the Colts

Washington Redskins (+9.5) at Philadelphia Eagles
The last time I did won of these, I did the unthinkable and bet against the Skins. They went on to win the game. I should probably bet against them again, but I'm not going to. For the record, I think they're going to lose this game. But the margins of victory/loss in Skins games so far this season are: 6, 2, 5, 3, 3, 8, 10, 14, 10, 1. With that in mind, 9.5 seems like a lot, even in Philadelphia against a superior (but uneven) team.
$25 on the Redskins

Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) at San Diego Chargers
Since dropping Larry Johnson, the Chiefs have lost a close to one Jacksonville and beaten Oakland and Pittsburgh. The Chargers have won five in a row, and they are a famously uneven team, meaning they are due for a loss. Plus, this is a divisional game in which the Chargers won the first match-up. I don't know if the Chiefs will win, but I certainly like them to cover 13.5.
$25 on the Chiefs

New England Patriots (+1.5) at New Orleans Saints
Twice now I have (imaginarily) bet on the Saints to cover big spreads, and twice I have been burned. For three straight weeks they have played shitty opponents, and have kept them in the game until the second half. Either they're not as good as advertised, or they've gotten their bad games out of their system against opponents who couldn't beat them anyway. I'm betting on the latter, and on them getting back on track this week in a big-time Monday Night game. Such is my faith in Drew Brees.
$25 on the Saints

BIFL - Thanksgiving Unextraordinarium

The BIFL Week 11 Review should be a journal of last weekend's epic RV trip through Texas. It should also have been written a few days ago. But instead, it's Saturday evening, I still haven't written any game re-caps, three Week 12 NFL games have already happened, and I'm at my Nana's house. So for now, we're gonna rip through some reviews and previews, and next week, when I've got the time and access to Bernier's pictures (which I suspect will capture the trip a little better than Will's), I'll tell the tale of Gerald Riggs/Optimus Prime. 'Til then, be thankful for the following:

NBD - Thanksgiving Unspectacular

For the past few years, with my family scattered between Northern Virginia, Richmond, Charlotte, and Pittsburgh, I've elected to spend Thanksgiving quietly in NYC, getting together with a few friends for the Turkey Day itself, but otherwise having a few days to sit around, await cell phone deliveries, and compose mammoth Thanksgiving fantasy posts. This year has been quite the opposite. Having returned from Texas on Monday afternoon, I proceeded to spend Tuesday morning at JFK (fruitlessly), Tuesday evening on a wireless-less bus ride, Wednesday in NoVa, and Thursday through the weekend in Pittsburgh with family. It's now Saturday morning, and I haven't written a thing. No Reviews, no Previews, no Rutger Hauer. So now I am embarking on the difficult task of incorporating all those things into one post, to be written in the brief window between my late wake-up and the family bowling outing this afternoon. Wish me luck.

BIFL - Week 11 Previews & Predictions

Through the wonders of modern technology, I write to you today from the cabin of an RV outside of Cowboy Stadium in detestable Arlington, Texas. The sun is warm, the beers are cold, the kolaches are filled with kielbasa, and the cornhole bags are flying. With all that in mind, here are some very brief previews and predictions.

NBD - Week 11 Previews & Predictions

The two trade-deadline deals went through this morning, though I've got no idea how the Joseph Addai-Chester Taylor deal failed to get vetoed into oblivion. Addai hasn't gotten a lot of publicity, but he's a very productive fantasy back, having not missed double-figures since Week 2. Chester Taylor, according to Haller and Elliott, is a valuable keeper option due to the fact that he's becoming a free agent at the end of the season. In fact, Haller described him as "the top free agent running back in 2010." Well, Chester will be 31 for most of the 2010 season, and here are some of the other free agent running backs next year: Ronnie Brown, Pierre Thomas, Darren Sproles, Leon Washington, Jerious Norwood, Ricky Williams, Willie Parker. Did I mention that Chester is averaging 2.7 yards per carry this year? Nice pick-up, Haller. I just wish that when you decided to toss out quality players you'd have given me a call. "Valuable keepers" such as Lance Moore or Mario Manningham could have been yours.
Anyways, here are previews and predictions:

BIFL - Week 10 Review C

The Sequel approaches. Til then, here's the last of the Week 10 results.

NBD - Week 10 Review C

As the league debates the merits of draft pick trading and we all sit on tenterhooks awaiting any last-minute trade blockbusters, we complete our look back on the week that was.

BIFL - Week 10 Review B

What's up with the ridiculous parity in Biffle these days? Normally the NFL is an any-given-Sunday league, but we have definitive powerhouses and weaklings. This year is the exact opposite, with decided top dogs and bottom-feeders in the pros, but a bunch of middlers here in BIFL. Only three weeks from the playoffs, there are four teams at 5-5, and four more within a game of that. It's good for excitement here in the latter part of the season, but bad for power rankings (version 2.0 coming soon!). Today we'll look at four teams that could be entering the playoffs in a few weeks or could be among the worst in the league. We don't know anything yet.

NBD - Week 10 Review B

I found this to be a delight, and I thought I'd share it with you all:


I hate baseball because it's so slow and unexciting and most of the guys who play it are dicks, but I can appreciate the fact that the pace and the number of games allow for casual moments like this. I'll take George Brett any day over some super-serious douchebag like Tedy Bruschi, who practically had another stroke talking about the Belichick decision in the Monday Night pre-game. Relax, dude. You're retired. Let it go.
(I promise to let it go, too. That will be my last mention of Go-for-it-gate unless game analysis demands it.)
Continuing with Week 10...

BIFL - Week 10 Review A

Now that we've all slept through last night's boring Colts-Pats snoozefest, we can get juiced up for the exciting Browns-Ravens match-up! Can you wait to see what kind of crazy end zone celebrations Todd Heap is going to come up with? What kinds of dazzling moves is Jamal Lewis going to put on defenders tonight? Will this be another classic prime time performance out of Brady Quinn? I can barely contain myself.

No Menomena tonight, both because there aren't really any games up for grabs and out of respect for the loss we suffered today. For those of you that missed it, Ken Ober, comedian and former host of MTV's Remote Control, died of an apparent heart attack at the age of 52.


Thanks for being a part of MTV back when MTV was cool, Ken.
Also, thanks to this clip for reminding me about Kari Wuhrer. Sweet, sweet Kari Wuhrer.

OK, enough Remote Control. On to the first of this week's games:

NBD - Week 10 Review A

Well, that was interesting.
I'm writing this around 1am Sunday night (Monday morning for the time nerd), about an hour after Bill Belichik's moronical decision to go for 4th and 2 with a little over two minutes remaining and a six-point lead from his own 28-yard line. This guy has been an enormous douchebag for years, but he's been relatively unassailable because his teams have always been so good. And part of their success has been based on their willingness to go for it on fourth down, so it's not like there's no precedent for that sort of thing. But in this situation it was just definitely the wrong call, and it gives our Belichick/Brady/Pats hatred a chance to spread its wings and take flight! Did you see Rodney Harrison in the post-game analysis? Dude was definitely almost crying. It was fantastic. Thank you, HD.
After the game, Belichick had a chance to take responsibility for the loss, maybe admit he'd made a mistake, maybe show a little humility. Did he? No, of course not. Bill's explanation: "We tried to win the game on that play, tried to pick it up right there... I thought we could have made that yard." I totally get making a risky decision to win a game, but here's my problem with that explanation: you were already winning. It seems to me you make that call to lose the game. That's the decision: between punting and letting your defense holding on to the win you already have, or going for it and risk giving probably the best prime-time quarterback in history a chance from 30 yards out. To me, the second option isn't "gutsy," it's just dumb. But you'll never get Belichick to admit that, because he's more stubborn and thick-headed than Elliott Toobin. Speaking of Elliott...

BIFL - Week 10 Previews & Predictions

We've reached that time of year when my job making predictions gets a little easier, since I almost always make my predictions on Saturday or Sunday morning, after the Thursday night games have already been played. We've also reached that time of morning when I'm enjoying a Hardee's fried chicken breakfast biscuit, and god damn is it delicious. I will not apologize for making informed predictions nor for enjoying a delicious, deleterious breakfast. I feel I have earned both. On to the predictions...

NBD - Week 10 Previews & Predictions

God damn! Week 10 already? These seasons just fly by when you're poring over every detail of them in nearly daily blog posts. Wanna remind everybody that the trade deadline is Friday, so if you're going to improve your team for the playoffs (not so far away) or give up on this season and grab a keeper for next season (so fucking long off), do so soon. Here's the Week 10 slate for NBD:

Deadlock, starring Rutger Hauer #2

This is my new segment where I gamble 100 imaginary bucks each week on a handful of NFL games. Last week I made ten imaginary bucks. Let's see if I can keep it rolling and make enough imaginary money this week to pay for a full, imaginary, non-value menu meal!

New Orleans Saints (-13.5) at St. Louis Rams
Last week I picked the Saints to cover a big spread against a shitty team, and it burned me. Will I learn from that lesson? Not a chance. Here's what the Rams have done against decent teams this year: lost to the Niners by 35; lost to the Vikings by 28; lost to the Colts by 36. If the Saints beat them by 14, that'll almost qualify as a close game.
$30 on the Saints

Cincinnati Bengals (+7) at Pittsburgh Steelers
The Bengals have won every game they've played within their division so far, including two against the Ravens and one against the Steelers. I don't know if that streak will continue; beating the Steelers twice in one season, and doing it in Pittsburgh, is a tall order. But I'll bet that they keep it closer than seven points.
$30 on the Bengals

Denver Broncos (-3.5) at Washington Redskins
I would never, ever, ever bet real money against the Redskins. But in the words of Joe Colly: "It ain't real money." And these Redskins are a mess.
$20 on the Broncos

New England Patrios (+2.5) at Indianapolis Colts
I get that this is the rivalry of the decade or whatever. And I know that the Patriots have won their last three and looked good doing it. But that was against lousy opposition (Tennesse, Tampa Bay, Miami). But the Colts are quite possibly the best team in the league this year. And they're only getting 2.5 at home? Seems foolish.
$20 on the Colts

BIFL - Week 9 Review B

Yikes. I just realized that not only have I not finished Week 9 re-caps, but thanks to the magic of Thursday night football, Week 10 games have already started. I better pound these out:

NBD - Week 9 Review B

No time for pizza nostalgia today, just diving straight into the remainder of the Week 9 slate...

BIFL - Week 9 Review A

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NBD - Week 9 Review A

Yesterday I got a Pizza Hut craving. Not for a Pizza Hut pizza (I prefer Domino's actually), but for a Pizza Hut. The restaurant. And not the combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell sung about by Das Racist and memorialized by Elliott's early-season team names, but a legit, sit-down Pizza Hut restaurant. There are checkered tablecloths. There is a salad bar with one big vat of ranch dressing and one big vat of zesty Italian. I drink my fountain soda from a large, pebbled, red plastic cup. The ceiling lamp above us is old-timey and not at all authentic. My mom orders a personal pan pizza, and it comes in a little tin pan. There is a team of loud little-leaguers at the table to our left, an end-of-the-year CCD class party across the way, and a childless couple sitting in icy silence behind us. Does this exist anymore? It looks like this:

There used to be a killer one on 123 between Burke Centre Parkway and Old St. Mary's church, but it long ago became a Tolteca, and is probably something else entirely by now. If you can help me locate such a Hut, please let me know in the Comments.

Sorry to let my inner urges overtake the blog. Now back to your regularly-scheduled game reviews:

BIFL - Week 9 Previews & Predictions

Virtually the entire Big Apple Delt crew is in Vegas this weekend, leaving me and Bev's dog to hold shit down here in NYC. They may be doing all the gambling, but we all know the real odds-making interest is here in the BIFL Previews & Predictions. Enjoy:

NBD - Week 9 Previews & Predictions

In case you missed it, my predicting abilities are now being tested on actual NFL outcomes in a section I'm calling Deadlock, after the "stone cold dead lock" nature of my picks and the made-for-HBO movie of the early '90s starring Rutger Hauer and Mimi Rogers as prison escapees with exploding devices stashed in collars around their necks. If you got more than 100 yards from your penal partner, your head exploded in (unintentionally) comical fashion. I wonder if there's any YouTube video of that?

Deadlock, starring Rutger Hauer #1

Eight posts a week just really wasn't cutting it for me, so I decided to do one more. Every week, I hang out with people who have money on the Sunday games. I personally don't have the funds to do any sports gambling, and have always had bad luck when I have. But that doesn't mean I don't have opinions on it. So I think that every week I'm going to start making a few picks and gambling some imaginary cash ($100) on them. We'll see how I do for the rest of the season, and if I end up doing well, maybe I'll start using real money next season.

Baltimore (-3) at Cincinnati
The Bengals have a better record than the Ravens. They beat them in Baltimore by 3 points. So why, now that they're playing in Cincinnati, is Baltimore favored? The Bengals are coming off their bye, and to my knowledge aren't missing anybody. Am I missing something here?
$35 on the Bengals

Dallas (+3) at Philadelphia
I realize that the Cowboys have been hot lately, and that Tony Romo and Miles Austin are developing a very special relationship, but I am not bowled over by wins against Atlanta and Seattle. The Eagles are a legitimately good team in my eyes, and Brian Westbrook should be healthy and ready to play. And they're in Philadelphia.
$25 on the Eagles

Carolina (+14.5) at New Orleans
Fourteen and a half points is a lot of points. But not nearly enough. The Panthers are an awful team; I don't get the sense that they even enjoy playing football. Their only strength is the run game, and the Saints have been shutting down rushers all season long.
$20 on the Saints

Houston (+9) at Indianapolis
I've picked all home teams so far, and I do believe Indianapolis will win this game, but I don't love the spread. The Colts are dealing with some injuries in the secondary, and the Texans are an incredible passing team. So the Texans will be putting some points on the board. I doubt it'll be enough to out-score Peyton Manning and co., but I think'll it'll be enough to get them within 9.
$20 on the Texans

BIFL - Week 8 Review C

I'm watching Survivor right now, and this cocky-ass dude just got totally blindsided. It was awesome. Which reminds me of the Pledge Survivor I played with the Spring Naught-Naught. Dekker or Billy, do you have any funny memories of people getting blindsided during that thing? And does anyone else remember Hambone's heiroglyphic-like writing system? Anyways, it also made me think of the other night when we were watching TV at my apartment and the ad for "The Blind Side" came on and my roommate started griping about how ridiculous it was. After all, how could a blind guy play football? Awesomely retarded. I hope she's reading this, since she finally figured out the URL for this site about two months after she should have.
Let's finish off the Week 8 games...

NBD - Week 8 Review C

A few notes before I finish off Week 8:
1) Happy Birthday tomorrow (I'm pretty sure) to Joe Colly. Brooklyn misses you, you old bastard.
2) The trade deadline is approaching. It's November 20th, about two weeks away, and it is doubly important this year because it's also the free agent-keeper deadline. This means that in order to keep a player next year, he must be on your roster by November 20th and remain there until the end of the season. (Note on trades: I have never been clear on whether Yahoo interprets the deadline as the date by which trades must be accepted or the date by which they must go through. As Commish, I will accept any trade agreed to up until 12:01am on the 21st, and if need be will push it through.)
3) Speaking of free agent acquisitions, I would be remiss if I didn't mention this week's whopper. I thought that Derek's 87 NBDollar price paid for Ryan Moats was ridiculous, until I saw that someone in my third league paid 89 bucks for him. In some ways, I understand this move: Derek had spent all of one dollar prior to this week, so clearly he has not been working the wire and likely won't find use for any money he had saved in the next few weeks. Despite his .500 record, his team is lousy (least points scored on the season), especially at running back (Tomlinson, Lynch, Beanie). With little chance of success this year, might as well snatch up a promising young back to potentially keep next year. The big question: is Ryan Moats that back? I don't really think so. He's sharing the backfield with a 2nd-year player, so it's not like he's taking over for some aging veteran next year (a la Shonn Greene and James Davis). Steve Slaton may be having a rough year with the fumbles, but he's shown that he can be an effective back in the past and has great receiving skills that will always keep him in the mix as far as a 3rd-down or change-of-pace option. So at the best it seems Moats will be a lead back in a timeshare with Slaton on a team that would rather pass than run. At the worst, he's a one hit wonder we never hear from again. Either way, doesn't seem that promising. As I said, I understand Derek's motivation in making a move like this, but if a "real" running back prospect hits the market in the next few weeks, he's gonna feel awfully stupid.
Then again, I probably spent more time analyzing the move than Derek spent making it, so maybe I'm the one who should feel stupid. Let's get on to the games...

BIFL - Week 8 Review B

I just watched the first episode of 'The League,' an FX show about a bunch of guys in a fantasy football league. I figured it would be bad, but I DVR'd it just in case. Guess what? I was totally correct. Not a good show. But there were two good things: 1) It features the delicious Leslie Bibb, who you may know as the wife of Ricky Bobby (and later Cal Naughton, Jr.) in Talladega Nights.

2) To determine the draft order of "The League," each owner pulls a number out of a hat. Those numbers correspond to the numbers worn by kids in a sack race, with the draft order determined by the order in which the kids finish. Brilliant! Now, only one of us (to my knowledge) has a kid, and we've probably got a few years until little Lily Anne and friends can negotiate a burlap sack. But is there any reason we shouldn't assign each of us a Kentucky Derby, Preakness, or Belmont Stakes horse each off-season and use that to determine the draft order? This would turn a quasi-interesting "sports" event into a super-interesting "sports" event every year. Commish, make it so.

On to more Week 8 games:

NBD - Week 8 Review B

I was just hanging out in the Village with some friends watching tonight's World Series game. I left in the middle of the 6th with the score 7-3. I then took the subway home to Cobble Hill. For those of you not familiar with NYC geography, that's five subway stops in the city, a trip under the East River, three more stops in Brooklyn, and a 10-12 minute walk to my apartment. When I got home? Middle of the 7th, same score. One full inning, with no scoring, had elapsed in the time of my entire commute home. This is why baseball sucks. On to football...

BIFL - Week 8 Review A

Some quick notes from around the league before we dig into the re-caps...

...Charm City Murder owner Andre Lafollette broke his long-standing policy of in-season silence on Tuesday to address the failures of his franchise so far this year: “I feel bad for the fans. I feel sorry for the fans, and we’re very, very appreciative of our loyal fan base,” he said. “We just feel terrible. We’re disappointed. We’re embarrassed, and we hope to get it going soon.” When asked how it felt to have fans bringing signs to the stadium declaring "Fire Weirdbeard" and "F@*& Frenchie," Lafollette said simply "It hurts."

...FUBAR owner Spencer Jones offered no details about the team’s decision to move on without hand-picked GM and brother, Ben Jones. Everyone inside team headquarters at 76 Minnieville Rd. was pretty quiet on Tuesday. The FUBAR players went about their business as rumors swirled about Jones, the events that led up to his departure and who— or if—anyone will replace him. Pro Bowl quarterback Drew Brees hardly knew Jones, who was hired in January and left the club under unexplained circumstances on Monday.

“He wasn’t around too much, and when he was, he was pretty quiet,” Brees said...

...The Alligator Fuckhouse will undertake a "serious evaluation" of allegations that coach Speeve Sussendike has a history of violent behavior toward women. The team released a statement in response to allegations made to the Commandant Lassard Blog by Sussendike's latest girlfriend, Smelly Jurgensen. The beleaguered coach acknowledged striking Jurgensen with an open hand in a statement Sunday. Sussendike said the altercation happened more than 10 minutes ago and was the only time he's ever touched a woman inappropriately, though he conceded that he had had several instances of inappropriate contact with men. The Fuckhouse also released a statement criticizing Lassard's reporting, saying the blog "routinely disseminates falsehoods about the Fuckhouse."

NBD - Week 8 Review A

Okay, I admit it. The season is growing deep, the results are becoming more and more predictable, the good teams are getting gooder and gooder and the bad teams badder and badder. This blog sprint has turned into a marathon, and my pace is slowing. But rest assured: I will press on. I may not be posting Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday anymore, but I will cover every game of the 2009 season. This I swear to you. Without further ado...

BIFL - Week 8 Previews & Predictions

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (3-4) vs. I'm Here for the Gangbang (3-4)
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night's Falcons-Saints game, and it should have big-time ramifications in this match-up with Michael Turner and Marques Colston going for me and Matt Ryan, Roddy White and Darren Sharper. Prior to that, I'm looking for Chuck to get rocked by the monster connection... Garrard to Holt! Yeah, I'm probably going to lose. Congrats, Gangbang.

Juse and the Argonauts (3-4) vs. Charm City Murder (2-5)
Neither of these teams has looked too good this season, but Juse has got some of the weakest opponents in the league on his docket this week. Jay Cutler will be picking apart the Browns, Lee Evans will be seeking to go over the top of Houston, and Steven Jackson may actually score some touchdowns in addition to his usual 100+ yards against the Lions. I can't argue with that cupcake schedule: Argos.

Merriman's Bitch Chokers (5-2) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (5-2)
Ooh, looky looky. Two five-and-two teams, both atop their divisions, taking each other on. And yet... when I look at the rosters, I only see how one of these guys got to where they are. Do we really have a division leader starting Mohammed Massaquoi? And the shitty Steve Smith? They're supposed to keep up with Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson? I doubt it. Chokers take this one.

Pet Monkey (2-5) vs. FUBAR (3-4)
Wait a minute. Why is Spencer's record 3-4 when he had a tie last week? Shouldn't it be 2-4-1 or something? Let's check this out... What the fuck?!? Somehow Spencer was gifted another point in last week's game! He wins, Dick loses! This is bullshit; I want my tie back! Commish, please investigate this scoring change and see if we can do something about it. As for this week, I wish I could pick another tie, but I actually think there'll be a winner here. Drew Brees is due for a big day, and I think that Calvin Johnson not only plays, but plays well. FUBAR is your winner.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (3-4) vs. Bardois Bourgeoisie (3-4)
Wow, does Dick really have the swine flu? That sucks, and it's gross. EVERYONE STAY AWAY FROM CHAIRMAN KAGA'S YELLOW PEPPERS!!! If he really is sick, I bet the news that last week's tie is actually a loss only makes things worse. He could really use an uplifting fantasy victory against Bardey this week. You know what, though? He's not gonna get it. The BB running backs are taking on Cleveland and St. Louis. His receivers are light years better. And Dick's lone superstar, DeAngelo Williams, is taking on a surprisingly tough Cardinals' D. The game goes to Bardois, but I'm sure he'll join me in wishing Bryan a swift recovery.

Alligator Fuckhouse (5-2) vs. Chip Lohmiller (5-2)
Wow, another match-up of 5-2, division-leading teams. It's like deja vu. Wait, no it's not. None of those other 5-2 teams was starting anyone of the caliber of Chad Henne. Souts is socked with bye weeks today, missing Brady, Welker, Mendenhall, Miller, and Mike Wallace. That's what you get for building a fantasy team around two franchises. I'll be watching the game with both of these guys today, and I'll be watching Chip Lohmiller win.

NBD - Week 8 Previews & Predictions

The Death Panel (4-3) vs. Harry Lance Hannibal (4-3)
There's a lot riding on this game. If I lose, I've gotta paint a large portion of my parents house, and if I win, they have to fund a party I'm having there in a few weeks. I'm feeling pretty confident. The Falcons pass defense is nothing special, presumably meaning good things for Drew Brees and Lance Moore. And if Matt Forte is ever going to look like a first-round back, it'll be against the Browns. Meanwhile, Ray's bright spot from last week, Ryan Grant, is taking on the run-stopping Vikings. The Panel is ready to party on Ray-Ray's dime.

This Guy Here is Dead (4-3) vs. Mental Errors (4-3)
Elliott's been on a roll lately, having won three in a row. And even though he's without Tom Brady this week, Derek is just grasping at straws for running backs (Lynch, Tomlinson, Beanie) and his wideouts aren't much better. Unless Tony Romo goes insane-o against the Seahawks (which doesn't seem impossible), I'm going with Mental Errors.

Who Gonna Check Me Boo? (5-2) vs. Smegma Amuse Bouche (3-4)
There's an awful lot of red letters next to Papkin's players. Not a good situation when you're taking on the top power-ranked team in the league. Colly's got three guys going in what should be a shootout between Atlanta and New Orleans tomorrow night, and his big boy, Maurice Jones-Drew, is taking on the hapless Titans. I don't know that I've had an easier pick this season than Check Me in this one.

Globo de Aire Mi Equipo (2-5) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (2-5)
Both of these teams are near the bottom of our standings (10th and 11th place), but only one of them has spent the past month improving his team through trades. The talent on Haller's squad is significantly better than that on Koehler's, but the match-ups may keep things close. Globo's Rivers-to-Jackson combo is taking on the Raiders, who most teams seem to prefer running on, and DeAngelo Williams is taking on the Cardinals, who've held down running backs pretty well this season (5th-best in points against). Still, I don't see anything on MRLD, other than Steven Jackson potentially finally having a multi-TD day against the Lions, to give Haller much to worry about. It should be close, but in a close game I'll always take the better team: Globo de Aire.

Burke City Giants (6-1) vs. Wild Stallions (4-3)
It's time for Michael Toobin's shittiness to start catching up with his record, and I think it starts this week. DeYoung's got a solid squad and some weak opponents (Mike Sims-Walker against the Titans, Larry Fitzgerald against the Panthers). I wish he didn't have to start Willis McGahee, who seems to have out-lived his usefulness in Baltimore, but maybe he can squeeze off another goal-line touchdown this week. Ride on, Stallions.

Woody's Warriors (2-5) vs. Deuceburger (2-5)
As of this writing (10:15am on Sunday), Kekky's got four players on bye in his starting line-up, one of whom is suspended for the next month. He's only got replacements on his bench for two of them, and they are nothing special. Which means that either there's gonna be some waiver-wire surfing in California this morning, or Woody's gonna be taking on some empty slots. Either way, should be an easy win for the Warriors.

2 weeks ago: 4-2
Overall: 22-14

Good luck to everyone this week except for Ray. Pops, you can go ahead and call Buzz & Ned's now and open the ordering with 100 pounds of cucumber salad. Does anyone know where in Richmond I can get a keg of Old Fezziwig's Ale?

BIFL - Week 7 Review B

I just turned on the TV in my room and it happened to be on NBC and the Tonight Show. Conan is talking to a bat expert. I get that having animal experts on talk shows is a time-honored tradition, and I get that Halloween is coming up so it's thematically appropriate or whatever, but this shit is awful. He just tried to feed blood from an eye dropper to a vampire bat, and the bat wasn't remotely interested so he just ended up with blood droplets all over his face and in his eyes and shit. I think this type of garbage guest is probably a result of the Leno-at-10 effect, so I will say this for the thousandth time in my life: Fuck you, Jay Leno.
Fortunately, it's NBA opening week and two of my favorite basketball teams, the Nuggets and the Trail Blazers, are playing on TNT. My favorite team, the Blazers, are winning, but it's a real close game. Speaking of close games...

NBD - Week 7 Review B

Halloween's nearly upon us, and I've been searching for a costume. I was originally slated to go as El Guapo, along with three other dudes who were gonna be Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms, and Ned Neiderlander, but then the ringleader flaked and that plan fell through. (Also, I had to shave my El Guapo 'stache for a job interview.) Anyways, it's now looking like I'm going with a group of people doing a Price is Right theme, and I'm going to be Hans the Yodeler from the "Cliff Hangers" game.

BIFL - Week 7 Review A

Due to a combination of travel, family time, the Redskins playing on Monday night, the start of the NBA season, job interviews, the arrival of Bill Simmons' basketball book to my season, and the onset of fantasy b-ball season, I've been a bit derelict in my duties of late. I'm going to try to plow through three game re-caps today and three more tomorrow. Here goes:

NBD - Week 7 Review A

Due to a combination of travel, family time, the Redskins playing on Monday night, the start of the NBA season, job interviews, the arrival of Bill Simmons' basketball book to my Kindle, and the onset of fantasy b-ball season, I've been a bit derelict in my duties of late. I'm going to try to plow through three game re-caps today and three more tomorrow. Here goes:

BIFL - Week 6 Review C

I saved the big boys for last.

NBD - Week 6 Review C

In this post I'll be reviewing the game between Matt Haller and Michael Toobin, but before I do I'd like to take a minute to discuss this weekend's trade between them, and Haller's trade-happy season in general.

First of all, let me say that I'm pleased as punch to see as many trades as we have in the league this year. Historically, people have been pretty stingy with trades in this league and most of us are reluctant to pull the trigger for fear of looking stupid (and perhaps even for fear of being mocked in this space). Haller has demonstrated no such reluctance this year. Let's look at each one:

BIFL - Week 6 Review B

As most of you probably know, there is an ongoing game on the BIFL message board wherein one of us puts up a few quotes from a classic movie and the rest try to identify it. The fun is not really in guessing, but in reminding ourselves of some of the old movies we love. Recently, I chose an absolute favorite of mine from back in the day, but so far nobody has guessed it. Since I can't bear to go any longer without acknowledging the brilliance of this film, I hereby present...

NBD - Week 6 Review B

Let me take this opportunity to congratulate Justin Koehler on the birth of his first son, Isaac Stone. So far as I know, this is the first Son of NBD* (other than those of us who dragged our dads into the league), and should be the elder statesman of the league once we've all kicked it and handed our franchises over to our heirs. The Koehlers are keeping a blog chronicling little Isaac's growth, and I was pleased to see that just the second entry on that blog was largely devoted to Ike's effect on the fantasy football fortunes of Michael Turner. Well done, Koehler. Now onto your game, which had a similarly joyful result:

BIFL - Week 6 Review A

Las week I published my first Power Rankings of the season, so of course immediately this weekend people started to prove me wrong, foremost among them my good buddy Steve Soutendijk and the last-ranked team in the league...

NBD - Week 6 Review A

I'm not sure if this happened everywhere, or only on the DirecTV service that was used at Off the Wagon, or even just at that bar, but there was a five-minute stretch yesterday where the feed from the Chiefs-Redskins game went out and our channel switched over the Ravens-Vikings game. Those five minutes were the happiest part of my Sunday.

As usual, a few NBD games have been decided even before tonight's contest between the Chargers and Broncos. Diving in...

BIFL - Week 6 Previews & Predictions

You know what I wish Chris Berman would tell me more about? How long he and Tom Jackson have been doing NFL Countdown together for. Every week I forget. Has it been 22 years? 23? 24? And every week he's there to remind me. Thanks, Chris! Congratulations on doing a cushy, once-a-week job for over two decades, and fake-laughing at the same smiling jackass for all of them!

On to this week's games...

NBD - Week 6 Previews & Predictions

I'm watching SportsCenter, and I just saw Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett celebrating a touchdown pass and thought to myself "Oooh I'd tweak my back if I celebrated like that." That's right, I long ago gave up on matching the athletic feats of the guys I see on SportsCenter, but now I'm old and creaky enough to even have to forget about matching their celebratory dances. Oy vey.

Still young enough to write about imaginary football, though! Here we go with Week 6:

BIFL 2009 Power Rankings 1.0

Here we are, 38.46% through the regular season, and despite my unfailing confidence in my team, I am currently mired in a four-way tie atop the Eastern Division rankings and have no real idea where I (or any of you) truly stand. After nights of tossing and turning, fretting over my status in the Biffle heirarchy, I decided to answer the question definitively and develop the first BIFL Power Rankings of the season. To determine these rankings, I asked myself one essential question: To what extent do I need to shit my pants when I'm playing each team? Can I walk into the game confidently, with my anus loosened, knowing that I've just recently taken a huge dump and my drawers will come out squeaky clean? Is this opponent my equal, nothing to really worry about but with the potential for a skidmark or two? Is it a sleeper, a seemingly impotent team that can sneak up and surprise me like a shart? Or is this a full-blown, lost at night in a bad neighborhood with a full, steaming pile locked and loaded, shit my pants situation? To help me determine each team's pants-shitting factor, I came up with a grading system for each team at each position. Each week in my Previews & Predictions, I consider match-ups, trends, injuries, etc., but for this ranking I wanted the ideal version of each team. So I went through the rosters and calculated the average output so far from each team's top quarterback, top two running backs, top three receivers (or in one case, two receivers and a tight end), and top tight end. I established a curve for each position, and graded the team on that curve. I then considered some qualitative factors like bench players, expected upturns/downturns in production, and my general opinion on how much I dislike the owner. The result: the BIFL 2009 Power Rankings 1.0

NBD 2009 Power Rankings 1.0

We've reached the 5/13ths point of the season, traditionally the time to take stock of where each team has been and where it's going. With that in mind, I embarked on a mission to establish some Power Rankings, and to do so in a systematic way. First what I did was look at the optimum line-up of each team. I established the weekly averages of the top quarterback, top three running backs, top three wide receivers, and tight end on each team. I decided to include three backs and receivers because I assumed that the team's RB3 and WR3 would be most often called into duty in the flex position or as a bye-week replacement. Then, since I am a teacher without a classroom, I graded each team at each position. This grade is reflective of each team's optimum production from that position so far this season. Once the grades were given, I developed my rankings from them, with a particular emphasis on the running back and wide receiver grades, since those represent the biggest chunks of scoring. Finally, I considered some qualitative factors (injuries, people I feel are bound to improve, etc.) and looked at the moves each owner had made (reasoning that an owner who had made good or bad moves already would continue to do so over the course of the season) to complete the rankings.
Gentlemen, your 2009 NBD Power Rankings 1.0

BIFL - Week 5 Review C

I saw today on NFL Live that Commissioner Roger Goodell was unenthusiastic about the possibility of Rush Limbaugh becoming a potential part-owner of the St. Louis Rams, and that the main figure in that buyout push, Dave Checketts, was dropping Limbaugh from the group. Now, as a commie pinko, that makes me happy, and I'd love to believe that the Ginger Hammer's comments and Checketts decision were motivated by a realization that they didn't want to be associated with a fascist. But I know that's not the situation. I don't know much about Checketts, but Goodell is practically a fascist himself. He probably loves Limbaugh. But these are also businessmen, and they realize that, with the amount of public vitriol out there against Rush, his part in the ownership team would have meant bad business, with likely outcry amongst some fans and probable disgruntlement amongst players and coaches leading to lost revenues. And so it comes to be that the man who has made millions by polarizing the populace and playing on people's basest instincts and fears is kept from his dream of owning an NFL team by the same capitalistic impulses that he has so vociferously defended all these years. Thanks, Justice. Normally you fuck me over any chance you can get, but today you made me happy.

On to the rest of the Week 5 slate:

NBD - Week 5 Review C

Let's finish up these game re-caps so I can get down to the nitty-gritty of some Power Rankings.

BIFL - Week 5 Review B

Diving right into this:

NBD - Week 5 Review B

Gotta start this one off with a shout-out to Michael Toobin, who hooked me up this weekend with a ride to Screen's wedding, some kind words on the blog, and some sound estate planning advice. I'm going with the revocable living trust! (I want to keep my affairs private and confidential and give myself the opportunity to move to or own property in another state.) Happy 60th, Mr. T! Sorry I have to start off these reviews with...

BIFL - Week 5 Review A

This would be probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Seriously. But I would want to be sure he brought in Zed as an "extra set of eyes." Thanks for the link, Doit, though I should point out that you are actually the Commish of this league. Probably something you should know.

Games:

NBD - Week 5 Review A

Having spent Sunday on Trost's couch, rather than my usual perch in front of fifty TVs at an NYC beeratorium, and Monday night on an over-heated  bus, I have no idea what happened in the majority of this weekend's games. I feel both under-informed to write these reviews and excited at finding out what the fuck happened. Here we go:

BIFL - Week 5 Previews & Predictions

Going to a wedding this weekend, so P&P is early and brief.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (3-1) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (2-2)
I was worried, but then I realized that Chalski has the wrong Steve Smith. Hey, that Massaquoi kid was great for a week, wasn't he? HotCocks.

Charm City Murder (1-3) vs. FUBAR (1-3)
Just listen to the names on Spence's team: Kyle Orton. Jerome Harrison. Tashard Choice. Bobby Wade. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2018 Hall of Fame induction class. Murder wins. (It always does.)

Bardois Bourgeoisie (2-2) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (3-1)
Braylon Edwards is on the Jets! That's going to change him from a total shitter to a productive receiver, right? Fuckhouse.

I'm Here for the Gangbang (2-2) vs. Pet Monkey (0-4)
You're due, Billy. You're due. Pet Monkey.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (3-1) vs. Chip Lohmiller (3-1)
Dekker's team scares me. I can't wait 'til they fall apart. But it's not yet. Lohmiller.

Juse and the Argonauts (2-2) vs. Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (2-2)
Juse, I'm sorry that Darren McFadden fucked you again. And that Dwayne Bowe has sucked. And that Steven Jackson plays for the worst team in the league. Bitch-Chokers.

Last week: 3-3
Overall: 17-7
Good luck to everyone this week, except Chalski. I'm not gonna blow smoke up your ask, Chalski. Your kid is ugly.

NBD - Week 5 Previews & Predictions

Going to a wedding this weekend, so P&P will be short and sweet. I have started working on the Power Rankings, but am not done yet so they'll have to wait 'til next week.

The Death Panel (2-2) vs. ConsultaBingo-Caller (1-3)
I believe in you, Matt Cassel. Don't let me down. Death Panel wins.

Roger's Oyster Lunch (2-2) vs. Bartelby (4-0)
This is going to be one of the worst games in league history. Bartelby wins.

You Got Got (2-2) vs. Burke City Giants (4-0)
Another old shitter stays undefeated. God dammit, Burke City Giants.

0-4 But Not a Skins Fan (0-4) vs. Deuceburger (2-2)
Not even looking at the players in this one. I want Koehler to keep having to change his name to "0-X But Not a Skins Fan." Go, Deuceburger, go.

Papkin's Team (2-2) vs. Woody's Warriors (1-3)
This shit is disturbing. I want with every ounce of my being to pick against Papkin, and yet his team is better. Papkin.

Mental Errors (1-3) vs. Wild Stallions (3-1)
Claim your birthright, Elliott. Claim it! Errors.

Last week: 3-3
Overall: 16-8
Good luck to everyone this week, except for 'Tosis, you soulless fuck.

BIFL - Week 4 Review C

First, I'd like to introduce you guys to my new girlfriend:

Her name is Manuela Arbelaez, and she's one of the Beauties on the Price is Right. We fell in love over a new dinette set. She told me those tatas and more could be mine IF... the price is right.

Next I'd like to remind you to check in on the Crabtree Watch over in the margin before moving on to read the last of this week's re-caps, after the jump.

NBD - Week 4 Review C

It was an exciting Wednesday in the NFL, which normally eats shit as far as mid-season moves go, but in the past 24 hours the news broke that Braylon Edwards and Chansi Stuckey were switching places and that Michael Crabtree had finally signed. The Crabtree Drop Alert has been modified accordingly.

Now let's finish up those Week 4 game re-caps (after the jump, of course):

BIFL - Week 4 Review B

If you read Part A, you know that many games hung in the balance of the Monday Night game. Unfortunately, none of them really worked out into any kind of excitement. Try to get psyched for these game write-ups anyway. (After the jump)

NBD - Week 4 Review B

Well, it seems that football is a game for the elderly. Not only did Brett Favre lead his team to an undefeated record last night, but our resident old fucks, Michael Toobin and Ray Tarasovic, are similarly undefeated after four weeks of play. I can't wait 'til next year when I turn 30; maybe then I can start winning some fantasy championships!

As always, don't forget about Part A, while Part B write-ups are after the jump.

BIFL - Week 4 Review A

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NBD - Week 4 Review A

Well, tonight we finally get to see the ol' fucktard take on his former team, and hopefully the weeks of media coverage and stories of vengeance and sentimentality can be put to bed. In watching the build-up, I just saw Michele Tafoya detail a conversation she'd had with Aaron Rodgers (who - would you believe it? - is also playing in tonight's game) in which he used another tired figure that needs to be retired. When asked if the crowd noise at the Metrodome would be a disadvantage, Rodgers answered "Yeah, but it is what it is." Can we please retire this useless phrase? Say what you will about coach-speak, or "Both teams played hard" style empty post-game blather, but at least most of the bullshit espoused by athletes and coaches can be parsed into some kind of meaning. "It is what it is" literally means nothing at all. The answer "Yeah, but it is what it is" means absolutely the same thing as simply saying "Yeah." I wish I were a professional athlete or talking head, so that I could give interviews and answer questions with phrases like "Yeah, but stuff can be things" and then have it repeated on national television as though it's some pearl of wisdom. I realize that the readership of this blog represents about one billionth of a percent of the sports-watching world and absolutely zero percent of the professional sports-playing world, but if we brave few begin the process of refusing to accept this empty, worthless cliche, maybe someday we can see it eradicated in the world at large.

As always, some games have been decided before Monday Night Football even begins. Those write-ups, after the jump.

Monday Morning Dump

I don't know if this will become a regular feature, or even if I'll ever do it again, but back in fantasy basketball season, I published a daily "Morning Dump," highlighting that day's "Hot Shit" (top performance), "Loose Stool" (biggest disappointment), and "Upper Decker" (best day left on the bench). Since it's 1am, and since I just woke up from a 5-hour passout (Damn you, car bombs! [raises fist to sky] DAMN YOU, CAR BOMBS!), and since I don't have a job to go to tomorrow morning: here is your Morning Dump

Hot Shit:
Steve Smith (Charm City Murder, I'm at the Pizza Hut)
11 receptions, 134 yards, 2 touchdowns

Loose Stool:
LaDainian Tomlinson (Iron Chef of Pounding Poon, Roger's Oyster Lunch)
7 carries, 15 yards, 1 reception, -1 yards

Upper Decker:
Rashard Mendenhall (Alligator Fuckhouse *)
29 carries, 165 yards, 2 receptions, 26 yards, 2 touchdowns

*Note: Mendenhall is on Woody's Warriors in NBD, but Woody actually started him, so didn't qualify as an Upper Decker)

Also: I'm watching DVR'd Saturday Night Live right now. Two things: 1) the Norwegian actors skit is funny, and proves that Armisen is the modern Hartman in terms of making any sketch he's in at least kind of funny; 2) okay, Lady Gaga. You've convinced me. I like "Paparazzi."

BIFL - Week 4 Previews & Predictions

Can anyone explain to me Merril Hoge's obsession with the term "factorback" this season? He says "factorback" literally 10-15 times every broadcast he's on, and he's only onscreen for like 3-4 minutes per broadcast. It's an amazing rate. Anyways, let's see who the factorbacks are going to be in Biffle in Week 4:

Charm City Murder (1-2) vs. Ass-Ramming HotCocks (2-1)
I am not sure why Andre saw fit to change his team name from the relatively friendly "Kung Fu Rodents" to the stark, simple "Murder," but I'm sure that the city known to some as Bodymore, Murdaland has more of the latter than the former. Andre also thinks that he has gained the upper hand on me by invoking the considerable powers of Angela Lansbury, but what he may not have realized is that I have counteracted that mojo with a special power of my own: the classic Double-Pierre. That's right, I'm starting not one but two guys named Pierre (Thomas and Garcon) today, and that kind of double-frenchiness has never been seen here in BIFL. I believe their powers, combined with a strong day by Chris Johnson, will be enough to help the HotCocks overcome Dre's Giant attack of Eli Manning, Steve Smith, and Brandon Jacobs.

Cholish Chachfaces (2-1) vs. Bardois Bourgeoisie (1-2)
There's a cornerback who plays for the Oakland Raiders, and I can't remember his name right now, but it's something African, like Oshiomoghu Otogwe or Adewale Ogunleye or Emeka Okafor. God why can't I think of that guy's name? Anyways, he's a "shutdown corner," one of those guys who manages to keep top WRs quiet, and this week he's taking on Andre Johnson, who in a normal week would be the best shot on Bardey's roster to post big numbers. This means that Bardey will be counting on Matt Forte to finally regain his form against a Lions team that I pray to god wins again today to take some heat off of the Redskins. Chalski's big horses of the moment are the Rivers-Jackson connection, and they are taking on the defensively strong Steelers, but I don't think Pittsburgh shuts them down completely. I'm taking the Chachfaces.

FUBAR (1-2) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-1)
A rare and beautiful bird is flying through this game, one whose mating plumage is among nature's most astounding and alluring sights. I speak, of course, of the two-Tight End set, a formation that is permitted but rarely seen with our WR/TE flex position. Besides that rarity, I'm having a hard time noticing any separation between these two squads. Spence has the superior QB (Drew Brees), but he's taking on the stifling Jets defense. Souts has the superior RB (Fred Jackson), but he's shifting into a time-split this week with Marshawn Lynch back. But Spencer has Megatron and that beautiful Cooley-Shockey double, so I'm picking FUBAR.

Pet Monkey (0-3) vs. Chip Lohmiller (2-1)
In my Week 3 Review, I speculated that Dekker's squad might be the best team in the league. Billy's team, on the other hand, is winless and missing one of its best players (Roddy White) to the bye week. Add in the fact that Billy has lost the last four of these Spring Naught-Naught games, and I don't need a lot of line-up breakdown or match-up analysis to pick Chip Lohmiller in this one.

Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (2-1) vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (2-1)
Will has Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson on his team. So far this season, Manning is the top-scoring quarterback in the league (and, in fact, the top-scoring anything in the league). Peterson is the 2nd-highest-scoring running back in the league. Dick, on the other hand, is starting a decrepit LaDainian Tomlinson and perennial fill-in Maurice Morris. The choice is simple: Bitch-Chokers.

Juse and the Argonauts (1-2) vs. I'm Here for the Gangbang (2-1)
This is going to sound blasphemous, but could it be that Justin has too many good running backs? This week he's forced to choose between top keeper Steven Jackson, pleasant surprise Cedric Benson, fill-in hype machine Glen Coffee, and Darren McFadden, who's taking on the worst run defense in the league (Houston). At the moment, he's starting Jackson and Benson, but I couldn't fault him for any combination of these four. Unfortunately, this is Juse and Argonauts we're talking about here, so I fear that whichever two he goes with will be the inferior two. Still, compared to all of Gangbang's Ravens and Patriots (Flacco, Taylor, Moss), who I think will be locked in a low-scoring battle, he has reason to be confident. Let's go, Argos.

Last week: 5-1
Overall: 14-4 (Damn I'm good.)
Good luck to everyone this week except for Andre. Andre, I always felt you were the third-most talented Lizard King.

NBD - Week 4 Previews & Predictions

There's a bunch of good games on the schedule this weekend (Pats-Ravens, Jets-Saints, Chargers-Steelers, and Packers-Vikings), so let's hope that translates into good games here in NBD.

The Death Panel (1-2) vs. You Got Got (2-1)
This is the first face-off Colly and I have had since we separated as roommates, and I'm ready to unleash years of (barely) stifled frustration. For every unwashed dish left in the sink, for every time I had to break into his room to find a drinking glass, for every empty pack of cigarettes found in the living room, mere feet from the garbage can where they should have been, Drew Brees will throw a touchdown. Then again, Cletus surely has a laundry list of similar grievances, and Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew are likely to be flying around the field, driven by the fury of greasy popcorn bowls, late-night Rock Band sessions, and stinky towels in the bathroom. Come to think of it, I must have been a pretty awful roommate to force JPC back to his hated DC, so I'm probably about to Get Got.

Roger's Oyster Lunch (2-1) vs. Burke City Giants (3-0)
Derek's team was already bad, and this week his one bright spot, the emerging LeSean McCoy, has a bye. Michael will be missing DeAngelo Williams, but he's still stacked with Peyton Manning, Randy Moss, and Vincent Jackson. This should be a rout for the Giants.

Kristin's Hills Are Alive (1-2) vs. Wild Stallions (2-1)
I got a picture-text of these two drunk assholes last night, and let me tell you that despite the outcome of this game, neither of these guys will come out a winner. They are in Chapel Hill together, though, so at least they'll get to watch with each other as their awful contest unfolds. Haller impressed me last year by finding a way to put a tilde in his team name, which I still haven't figured out how to do, but his new name has an unforgiveable grammatical error (a misplaced apostrophe) which pisses me off to no end. He's also still starting Derrick Ward, which infuriates me just as much. DeYoung doesn't have anyone on his team who personally offends me, and he "won" the Glen Coffee sweepstakes this week, though it cost him a pretty penny ($26, our biggest free agent expenditure so far). I'm not sure that that investment will be worth it over the course of the season, but this week it should lead to a Wild Stallion victory.

Bartelby (3-0) vs. Deuceburger (2-1)
We all ought to be ashamed of ourselves for having allowed Ray to get to 3-0. Granted, Sam, Elliott and Woody have more to be ashamed of than the rest of us, but we are all at least partly to blame, I'm sure. Bartelby will find it hard to continue his winning streak this week, though, with a few of his big guns (Ryan Grant and Greg Jennings) taking on the staunch defense of Minnesota. Deuceburger isn't looking that hot, either, with Larry Johnson and shitbag Turl Owens both starting, but Adrian Peterson is always a threat to go off, so I'll give this one to Deuceburger in a squeaker.

0-3 But Not a Skins Fan (0-3, duh) vs. Woody's Warriors (0-3)
Well this is a real clash of the titans. After this game, only one NBD team will remain winless, but it's hard to say which squad is less shitty. Especially complicating things is the fact that as of this writing (Saturday night) these guys haven't really solidified their line-ups. Koehler still has a bye-week kicker in his line-up, with no replacement on the bench, but presumably that issue will be resolved tomorrow morning. Sherwood, having completed his trade with Haller, has still yet to move his new players (Jay Cutler and Knowshon Moreno) into the line-up. Assuming he does, I would have to give the edge to the Warriors, since I have lost all faith in Clinton Portis and Braylon Edwards and Laveranues Coles are essentially worthless.

Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe (1-2) vs. I'm at the Pizza Hut (1-2)
I don't know what to make of this game. Both of these teams look pretty lousy to me. I think Tom Brady is fucked against the Ravens, and he's practically the only heavy-hitter involved in this game. The Jets' defense was able to shut him down earlier this season, and they're taking on the Saints this week, but I actually think that's a good thing for Elliott's Reggie Bush, because New Orleans will be trying to find unusual ways to get down the field. That, combined with the potential for big things out of Reggie Wayne taking on the Seahawks, inclines me to pick Pizza Hut.

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 13-5 (is there some way I can gamble on this?)
Good luck to everyone this week, except for Colly, who is going to look like sweet, innocent Whitney Port in the face of my Roxy-like onslaught of nastiness. Kelly Cutrone can't save you this week, Cletus.

BIFL - Week 3 Review C

Bardey just pointed out to me that I've posted 26 times in the month of September, including Parts A and B of this week. This will be my 27th (and last) of the month, and along with the Crabtree Watch and Who the Fuck Are You columns in the margin, that averages out to about one fantasy football post a day.
Please. Somebody. Find me a job.

NBD - Week 3 Review C

Following up on my earlier post about the SI Swimsuit Vault, I was just perusing and found this:

I forgot how redonk Tyra used to be. This pic from '97 combined with an erotic head massage I received from Joanne Uwujaren that same year might be the starting point of my ladies of flavor obsession. Before I get too far into my erotic jungle love fantasies, though, let's finish up the week in fantasy games.

BIFL - Week 3 Review B

Tonight was Greek Night here on Baltic Street. Me and the girls get together, cook a decent meal, drink some wine, and watch our favorite ABC Family program, Greek. I've only lived here for a week, but already we're building traditions. It's nice to build traditions. And no BIFL tradition is stronger than...

NBD - Week 3 Review B

They call me girl! They call me Stacey! in Part A.

Roger's Oyster Lunch (80) defeats the Death Panel (73)
For the second straight week I was fucked by the Cowboys in a night game (which might make a nice subtitle for "Brokeback Mountain 2"). Last week it was the Defense that got me, and this week it was the offense. With a slim lead headed into Monday night, I needed Oyster Lunch's Tony Romo to have another implosion and throw some interceptions, fumble some balls, and generally be the shitter that he is. Romo did not exactly have a stellar game, but he uncharacteristically failed to turn the ball over, and his 12 points were more than enough for Derek to claim victory. This was in contrast to my own quarterback, the previously infallible God known as Drew Brees (6). I was happy to see the New Orleans running game, with Pierre Thomas, get cranked up. But since Thomas is my third running back over in BIFL, and Brees is my best player over here in NBD, I'd prefer it if they stuck to the all-out aerial assault, thanks. As it is, I'm still waiting on Matt Forte (11) to justify his top-5 pre-season rankings. Derek's running backs, meanwhile, are vastly outperforming expectations. Fred Taylor (17) and LeSean McCoy (15) were among Oyster Lunch's top scorers this week, and were drafted in the 7th and 8th rounds, respectively. Drafted right before them was Jerricho Cotchery, who also chipped in 17 in Derek's winning effort.

BIFL - Week 3 Review A

As you know if you read my Previews & Predictions this week, I spent Sunday watching football at Fox Sports headquarters in midtown Manhattan. A friend of Souts is friends with a guy who does ad sales for Fox Sports, and he invited us to come to the viewing lounge there to watch the games. I wasn't sure what to expect, but when I got there I discovered an armchair quarterback's Shangri-La. There were eight big, beautiful TVs mounted on two walls, surrounding a sitting area full of plush leather chairs. There was an open bar. There were hot dogs. There were hamburgers. There was steak. There was shrimp. There was an open bar. There was couscous. There were old umpire masks on the wall. There was an open bar. There was a weird older lady wearing oversized headphones and wandering around. There were Sno-Caps, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and Milk Duds. There was an open bar. It was magical, and all free. It really was a beautiful way to watch football. And it was maybe enough to soften what would have been an otherwise disastrous Sunday of football for us. I had to watch my Redskins lose to the lowly Lions, and Steve, in addition to watching his Bills lose, had to see this...

NBD - Week 3 Review A

Remember Stacey Williams?

I do. Even weird mid-90's swimsuit fashion couldn't un-hot her. I always felt like she was under-rated compared to your Vendelas, your Cindy Crawfords, your Kathy Irelands, etc. I bring this up because I just discovered Sports Illustrated's "The Vault." On it, you can browse back through pretty much any Sports Illustrated in history. I just read an article from 20 years ago about Joe Montana leading a fourth-quarter comeback over the Eagles. He threw four touchdowns in that quarter and 428 total passing yards for the day. Would have been a pretty strong fantasy asset, I imagine. And speaking of assets: among the issues you can browse are all the swimsuit issues. They've actually got a whole section of the site devoted to it. You can re-live all your adolescent wank jobs anew. It's fantastic.

Back to fantasy of the football variety: We've got a couple games in the bag even before the MNF contest:

BIFL - Week 3 Previews & Predictions

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NBD - Week 3 Previews & Predictions

Charles came to town this weekend, and on Friday night we went out pretty hard, ending the evening at NYC nightclub Sway. While swigging bottle-service vodka-cranberries and dancing around like an idiot, I lost track of Charles. When 4am rolled around, I was ready to leave but he was nowhere to be found, so I cabbed home alone and left the door open. When I awoke that morning and emerged from my room, there was Charles, on the air mattress in the living room of my new apartment (the apartment I share with two new roommates, one of whom is a girl) with some rando chick. Charles introduced her to me as his "new girlfriend," and she promptly told me that she couldn't find her underwear, and that I might find it later hidden somewhere in the living room. It was also readily apparent that they did not know each other's names, a fact that was later confirmed by Charles himself. The word your probably looking for right now is "classy."

On to P&P.

The Death Panel (1-1) vs. Roger's Oyster Lunch (1-1)
Mmmm. I do love Oysters. And Drew Brees. He's going against Buffalo today, who Yahoo tells me is the 31st-ranked pass defense. That seems like good news. Even better news is that Derek's team sucks, so all I probably need is one big day (Matt Forte, you seem due) to take this one for The Panel.

You Got Got (1-1) vs. Get It in the Can (1-1)
Man, there's a lot of getting in this one. Last week, Chris Johnson went nuts on the Texans. He won't be playing them again this week, but his YGG teammate Maurice Jones-Drew will, probably to similar effect. Haller's team is taking on a bunch of shitbag defenses, though, so this could be a close one. I'll still go with You Got Got to get the victory, though.

Burke City Giants (2-0) vs. Deuceburger (2-0)
We've only got three undefeated teams in the league, and after this match-up one of them will be gone. As a rule, I generally haven't been picking against Michael's team or Adrian Peterson, but I've got to do one of those things here. I'm not sure what Randy Moss's deal is, but that big red Q next to his name gives me pause, especially after a very humdrum Week 2. Let's go with the Burger in this one, on the strength of a big day by Darren Sproles.

Bartelby (2-0) vs. Woody's Warriors (0-2)
Last year these two were duking it out for last place. Now they find themselves at opposite ends of the standings (though I admit it's awfully early to be talking about "standings"). Woodrow is still starting Torry Holt and LenDale White, who've totalled 17 fantasy points this season, so I imagine he's not going to be leaving the cellar anytime soon. Ray won't get another 40-point day from Frank Gore going against Minnesota, but Greg Jennings has got to do better than last week's 0-fer, so Bartelby carries the day.

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (0-2) vs. I'm at the Pizza Hut (0-2)
Chapel Hill residents will finally be able to rest easy tonight, knowing that one of their fantasy football franchises has finally secured a win. It won't be pretty, though, as both of these teams are hideous. I don't think either team will really come out a "winner," but I'll take Pizza Hut to score more points.

Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe (1-1) vs. Wild Stallions (1-1)
I will admit that when I first saw Papkin's new team name, I laughed. But... I generally have a problem with having a player in your team name who isn't actually on your team, and Papkin does not have Dwayne Bowe. It also reeks of something Chris Berman would say, which is just unacceptable. So that, plus the fact that two of Sam's backs are questionable, leads me to pick the Stallions without even really looking at their roster.

Last week: 5-1
Overall: 9-3
Good luck to everyone this week, except for Derek. Derek, we don't share enough personal history for me to have anything clever to say to you, but know this: I fucking hate you.

BIFL - Week 2 Review C

Don't sleep on Reviews Part A & B.

Chip Lohmiller (96) defeats Juse and the Argonauts (95)
Damn, this was a tight one. Both teams played hard, but it really is a shame that Dekker won because Juse's attack was far more balanced. Trent Edwards, Steven Jackson, Darren McFadden, Chad Ochocinco, and Dwayne Bowe were all between 11 and 19 points. This may be one of the best Argonauts teams we've seen in ages, although I admit that has has little to no meaning. But if those Argos had just gotten one more extra point out of Jason Elam (4), or anything at all out of Zach Miller (0), who was so good in Week 1, they would have pulled off a victory. But alas, they did not. Dekker's scoring was not nearly as balanced, but who needs balance when you've got Matt Schaub? Overcoming lame-ish performances from Ray Rice (7) and Reggie Wayne (3), Schaub went nuts against the Titans (who apparently aren't so hot defensively anymore without Albert Haynesworth) to the tune of 34 points. The only other notable outings by the Lohmillers were kicker John Carney (12) and Percy Harvin (11). Harvin, like DeSean Jackson last year, is seemingly out to prove that rookie receivers can be productive if you find creative ways to put the ball in their hands.

I'm Here for the Gangbang (93) defeats Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (80)
It's still mind-boggling to me that Shoaf's team is named after Shawne Merriman despite the fact that he doesn't have Merriman on his team. This would be like if I had been named Santonio's Blunts last year instead of Dois. It just doesn't make any sense. Commish, can we make a rule about this? Anyways, Shoaf got what he deserved this week, and it came in the form of Frank Gore. I've always liked Frank Gore, and I was disappointed not to get him on any of my teams this year. I'm glad he ended up on the Gangbang, though, since traditionally that has been the BIFL team besides my own that I have given the strongest support. Chuck didn't need my backing this week, though, since Gore's 43-point day put him pretty much out of reach. It's a good thing he did, too, because other than Matt Ryan (18), the rest of the Gangbangers were pretty much all just groping around in the dark. The Bitch-Chokers' receivers showed similar futility, combining for 0 points. It's always nice to get imaginary numbers into fantasy football; thanks, Donnie Avery (-2). Peyton Manning (26) was strong, but Adrian Peterson (15) failed to tear up the Lions like we all expected, so the Bitch-Chokers fell short of making this one a contest.

P&P's this weekend. See y'all then.

NBD - Week 2 Review C

Don't forget about Parts A and B. Just because they came out sooner doesn't make them any less important. It's the fact that they don't include the re-cap of my game that makes them less important.

You Belong 2 Kanye (86) defeats Ditka's Wallet (56)
This match-up featured the Haller brothers, who are determined to make Ray and Michael's heads explode by changing their team names to different of-the-moment cultural references each week. Already, Matt's team is no longer called "You Belong 2 Kanye," but since that's what they were called on Sunday that's the name I'm using here. So far as I can tell, Derek's name is now a reference to one of those Coors Light press conference ads, which is absolutely a new low in uncreative team naming. I hope there's more there. As thinly entertaining as the revolving door of team names is, it actually far outshines this shitter of a game. Dereks group of lame-o's managed to get one player - Tony Romo - into double-figures, and only barely at that (12). His starting running backs were LeSean McCoy (6), Fred Taylor (5), and Beanie Wells (2). That is abominable. Normally it takes a full season of injuries, position takeovers, and weardown to put together a starting crew that week, and Derek has managed it in only a few weeks. Matt did better, but not much. There are only three other teams in the league that he would have beaten. His top two scorers were Jay Cutler (17) and Fred Jackson (17), which are respectable days. So what did Matt do? He traded away Jackson and replaced Cutler. Interesting strategy.

Deuceburger (118) defeats The Death Panel (107)
Even though I scored 107 points this week, enough to beat all but three NBD teams, I am at peace with my loss. I deserved to lose. Why? After the day games on Sunday, I was down only ten points even though Kex had had a strong day. Darren Sproles had laid further claim to the San Diego starter's job with 21 points. The New Orleans defense (17) had somehow cobbled together a two sacks, three picks, a forced fumble and a touchdown. Adrian Peterson had put up 16 points, which frankly is way less than I'd feared considering he was playing the Lions. Even Kellen Winslow (15) stopped being a shitter for one week. And yet still I was only down by a slim margin, thanks to my boy Drew Brees' usual excellence (23), Andre Johnson's explosion (27), and a surprisingly good performance from Chad Ochocinco (15). And who did I turn to for those final ten+ points? Who did my Week 2 fate rely on? The fucking Dallas Cowboys. With a league full of defenses to choose from in the draft, and no real difference between them at that point, I chose my own team's hated rivals. Why? Because I'm a jackass. And when the time came and I needed them, they did nothing for me. Literally, nothing. 0 points. Well, that's it Cowboys. I'm done with you. You just got replaced by the Denver Broncos. How 'bout them apples?!?

Back this weekend for Previews & Predictions.