NBD - Week 4 Preview

Open scheduling begins this week, with the largest slate of teams sitting of any week of the season (Detroit, Indy, Miami, New England, New York Giants, and Seattle). That means trades, random waiver-wire pick-ups, and odd starters. But will it begin to separate the wheat from the chaff in our almost entirely 2-1 league? A lot can change in a few weeks in fantasy, and our league standings are likely to be largely determined by who manages these bye weeks the best. Here's how I see it panning out in Week 4:

Michael Pemulis (0-3) vs. Hamster Now Guinea Pig (2-1)
I really don't think I'm gonna go winless this season. Or at least I really don't want to go winless this season. But I'm looking at these two teams, and Haller's looks much, much better than mine. But Haller is starting Hank Baskett against me this week, which should entertain those of you who mocked me mercilessly for starting him earlier this season. It should get even funnier when he scores like 20 points on my head.
Guinea Pig by 12

Chapel Hill Croakies (2-1) vs. The Leadfarmers (3-0)
I played the first game of the season of NYC Co-ed Soccer's Lower East Side division last night, and let me tell you, I could have used some Chapel Hill (or any other kind of) croakies. It was rainy and humid, allowing for maximum glasses slippage, and those of you who witnessed/participated in the old Burke soccer team under the tutelage of Kaiser Wilhelm would have happily recognized the sight of me grasping around on the ground for my fallen specs while still sticking a random hoof out to try and play defense. I played goalie for the second half and literally couldn't see any time the ball went on the side of the field where the lights were. That did not keep me from gaining a clean sheet, however, as well as a 3-1 victory thanks in part to a Trost goal.
But I digress: fantasy-wise, how the fuck do these two teams have one loss between them? The Croakies' Adrian Peterson is good, when he's healthy, and the Leadfarmers' Marion Barber is a stud, but otherwise I'm not seeing a lot of talent on these teams. And though it's a bye week, Elliott doesn't really have anybody significant out this week, while Derek is missing only the Eli-Plax connection and Randy Moss, who's been shit this year. Anyways, I don't see much out of either side this week, but over the past year-plus, our league has tended more towards parity than anything else, so...
Croakies by 3

Chestpubes & Ballfro (2-1) vs. Tri Steeg Area (1-2)
This should be a good match-up, as both these teams are pretty strong (despite Tri Steeg's record) and neither is greatly affected by the bye week (Kex is missing Peyton Manning, but JT O'Sullivan should be an able replacement playing the porous Saints' D). At the moment, Colly still has a questionable Darren McFadden and Darren Sproles in his line-up over LaDainian Tomlinson and Felix Jones. He's got a bunch of wedding festivities this weekend, but I'm going to assume that he finds a few minutes to adjust his roster. Even with those guys active, though, I'm a pretty big believer in Kex's starters this week, as TO is traditionally a 'Skin-killer, Lee Evans is playing the awful Rams, and Sean Payton seems to have finally figured out how to use Reggie Bush in New Orleans. Should be a tight game, but...
Tri Steeg by 2

Wyld Stallyns (2-1) vs. Mephistopheles (0-3)
This is always one of my favorite match-ups of the year, featuring one of my oldest friends facing off against the guy who used to have to give me rides to and from his house for sleepovers. However, I've yet to see any smack talk on the message boards, comment section, or e-mail, so hopefully these two have been in contact to maintain the tradition. I'd also like to see Ray have some success and Jon have some failure, but there are some risky plays at work for Mephistopheles this week. Brandon Lloyd had a big outing last week, but he apparently also has some injury issues and also has some issues with being an enormous pussy. Rashard Mendenhall is starting, which is nice, but it's his first start ever and it's against a strong Ravens defense playing on Monday night, which is about the only time aging fucks like Ray Lewis come to play anymore.
Stallyns by 8

Sovic is 2 Girls 1 Cup (2-1) vs. Woody's Warriors (0-3)
Here are some people I don't believe in this week: Willis McGahee against a stout Pittsburgh run defense and losing goal-line touches to Leron McClain; Torry Holt, whose team sucks and is playing the red-hot Bills; and LJ Smith, who it looks like isn't playing at all. Here's some folks I do believe in: Carson Palmer getting his balls back against the Browns; Maurice Jones-Drew running all day against a lousy Texans team; Correll Buckhalter filling in respectably for Brian Westbrook. The former are all on Papkin's squad, while the latter all play for Woody. And after picking my dad and I to lose, I've got to give love to at least one of my winless brethren.
Woody by 6

Burke City Giants (2-1) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (2-1)
Michael Toobin is one of the owners most affected by this week's bye, as both his starting receivers (Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker) will be riding the pine. In their stead are Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant, a questionable tandem at best. Michael Turner is playing a legit run defense in Carolina, which doesn't necessarily mean a horrible day but probably means no 30-point outing, leaving Marshawn Lynch to carry this team - which he may very well be able to do running all day on the Rams. Then again, once the Bills have a lead, they might start handing it off to Fred Jackson. Koehler, on the other hand, has pretty much his full complement of starters, including Frank Gore, who'll need to do a lot (running and catching) to catch up with the New Orleans freight train offense.
Matt Ryan by 10

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 10-8

Here's a hot chick:

And here's some weird nature shit:

Enjoy Week 4. Beat them Cowboys!

BIFL - Week 4 Preview

With Week 4, bye week season begins, so this'll be the first time (well, other than the random Ravens-Texans week off) that we'll see last-minute pick-ups and fill-ins. Scores should drop a bit, and we might see some truly feeble performances, though it'll be hard to be feebler than Dick's Week 1 or Souts Week 3. Let's see who's really gonna eat it this week:

Egon Spengler (2-1) vs. Juse and the Argonauts (0-3)
I'll admit it: I'm deathly afraid of Brandon Marshall against the Chiefs. My only hope is that the Broncos first three touchdowns will be on pass plays to Eddie Royal or Tony Scheffler or whoever, and then the run game will take over. Otherwise, though, I like the guys I drafted for myself over the guys I drafted for Juse. Either way, I sort of win.
Spengler by 4

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (1-2) vs. Chip Lohmiller (2-1)
Fear again informs my decision here, but this time it's fear of Lohmiller's Tony Romo and T.O. beating up on the 'Skins as they did last season. If I allow that fear to govern my decisions, though, I'm letting the terrorists win, so I'm going to say the boys in Burgundy and Gold hold strong and lock 'em down a bit. Plus I like a few Iron Chef players this week, as Carson Palmer is due to get back on track against the Browns, LDT should rip apart the Raiders even with questionable health, and Steve Smith should have at least a few big plays against the Texans.
Iron Chef by 5

Pet Monkey (2-1) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (2-1)
You would think that with three players on a bye and three players ruled Out, Dr. Dre would have a hard time putting a starting line-up together this week, but in truth all his starters seem pretty legit. Josh Reed is certainly not a guy I'd want to rely on every week, but when you're playing the Rams, every offensive players is pretty much a good fantasy bet. Billy, on the other hand, is not overly affected by the bye week, but his list of opponents (Tampa Bay, Minnesota, Carolina, Dallas) is like a who's who of fantasy-killers.
Centurions by 7

Manatee Eaters (3-0) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-1)
Both these teams look pretty lame to me this week, despite their winning records. Several of Chuckles' best players are taking the week off, and several of Souts' best players are simply not very good. However, the Fuckhouse has a bunch of guys going in the Cincinnati-Cleveland game, which should be high-scoring, so I'll give it to them in a squeaker.
Fuckhouse by 2

Cholish Chachfaces (2-1) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (0-3)
Has anyone else noticed that all Jeff Stryker's IDPs are Steelers? So far as I know, Will has some Philadelphia ties, but no claim to Steelers fandom, and in fact has been to Pittsburgh only once, when we visited for some kind of Delt meeting(?) in college and stayed with my aunt. Shoaf, what the fuck were we there for? I can't really remember doing anything there. Anyways, Adrian Peterson is Questionable this week (shocker!) and Chalski's team is awesome and finally starting Philip Rivers.
Chachfaces by 14

FUBAR (1-2) vs. Skinny White Guys (1-2)
I really want to take the Gringos Flacos here, as Matt Forte, Ryan Grant, Andre Johnson, and Santonio Holmes are integral parts of other fantasy teams for me. Unfortunately, though, FUBAR's got Drew Brees and Frank Gore playing against each other, and I'm not confident in the Saints stopping the Niners or the Niners stopping the Saints, plus Lee Evans should catch 6-7 deep touchdown passes on the Rams, so I'm afraid it's a bad day for me and Bardey.
FUBAR by 7

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 14-4

Here's a hot chick:



And here's some crazy nature:

Good luck to all in Week 4, even Justin. I'm magnanimous like that, bitches.

NBD - Week 3 Review

Michael Pemulis 56.92, The Leadfarmers 89.66
In retrospect, re-naming my team after a character in a novel by an author who recently hung himself might not have been the best idea, as suicide is rarely a strong inspirational source for your average NFL player. Then again, even a long-winded, overly verbose, end-noted David Foster Wallace composition could not make any sense out of this random collection of sorry players that I call a team. A month ago I described Matt Forte as the big risk-reach of my draft, but his 22 points this week (and 14+ points per week average) were the only thing keeping this team even remotely respectable. It doesn't take much to beat these losers, but The Leadfarmers had a perfectly decent week, led by Marion Barber (20), LenDale White (17) and Eli Manning (16). Josh Scobee provided some last-minute heroics in the Indy-Jacksonville game, and had the Pemulis-Leadfarmer match-up been even remotely close, he probably would have provided the difference in this one with his 12 mighty kicker points.

Hamster Now Guinea Pig 103.76, Mephistopheles 95.54
Poor Mephistopheles. Down 0-2, at the bottom of the league in scoring, and with only a brief bit of early success last year on his fantasy resume, Ray came into this week ready to play. He got another strong start from Drew Brees (21), the first Larry Johnson sighting of 2008 (18), and even 10 points out of Marvin Harrison, which may be the first time Marvin the Martian has seen double figures since Ray traded for him mid-season last year. Unfortunately, that was not enough to overcome Matt Haller's Hamster squad, who succeeded again on the strength of the Denver Cutler-Marhsall connection (40) and a great running back 1-2 punch with Joe Addai (21) and Clinton Portis (15). Speaking of Portis: the Skins: not bad? I think we're still significantly behind every other team in our division, but with our cupcake schedule outside the NFC East (4 awful NFC West teams and at least 2 lousy AFC North teams), I think we have a decent chance at going over .500 for the season. I know this is totally un-Skins-fanly of me, but would it be alright to be happy with a team with a merely decent season?

Burke City Giants 109.74, Tri Steeg Area 68.34
You know, for having the high score, the BC Giants sure did have some clunkers this week. Jake Delhomme (4) was essentially worthless, Reggie Wayne (7) hardly looked like the 1st-round pick he was, and Wes Welker (7) is still getting yardage post-Brady, but not getting touchdowns. Michael Toobin had by far the weaker of the Bushes in this contest (Michael Bush's 6 to Reggie Bush's 25), so how did he post such a spectacular score? It's easy when you've got Michael Turner (28), who has now looked like the best RB in fantasy in 2 out of 3 starts, and Marshawn Lynch (23) who in his second season has driven his team to an unexpected 3-0 start. If this combo can continue to perform, it could erase a lot of sins for the rest of the Burke City roster. And when the rest of the team is on, the Giants will be a title contender. And what of Tri Steeg Area? Well, I already mentioned Reggie Bush's big day, and that's about all there is that's worth mentioning.

CH Croakies 66.14, Chestpubes & Ballfro 55.40
Yuck. When two teams do this poorly, what is there really to be said? Congratulations to the Croakies' Larry Fitzgerald for leading this game in scoring with 17 points, though I'm sure Elliott was happier to see the "L" next to his name than his 109 yards and touchdown. Nate Kaeding also had a big week, kicking his way to 12 points on Monday night. Colly also had some action on Monday night, as he eagerly watched his star running back for the Chargers dance his way to 87 yards and two touchdowns. Unfortunately, that star running back, LaDainian Tomlinson, was on Colly's bench, while the other Chargers RB, Darren Sproles, was in Colly's lineup with considerably inferior results. In fact, Colly left most of his big scorers (LDT, Roddy White - 18, Felix Jones - 14) on the bench this week, and it probably cost him the game. In his match-up message board (which not nearly enough of you are taking advantage of), Colly lamented that "[his] team utterly shat the bed this week," but was it really the team, Coach Colly, or was it your usage of them? Sometimes, fantasy success is about taking a long, hard look in the mirror.

Wyld Stallyns 101.78, Woody's Warriors 70.64
I spoke to DeYoung on the phone this week. This is generally not very easy to do; I usually have to call him at work (703-971-6334, just ask for the FuelPak Y2K Update Team!) to get an answer or call-back. Another benefit of speaking to Jon at work is that he can't spend half an hour talking about UVA's football program because he's got to go help the UPS guy load the truck out back. Unfortunately, our little chat this week occurred after work hours, so I couldn't avoid the life and times of Al Groh, but I did get a little extra info on the 2008 Wyld Stallyns. Although I'd written re-caps for the past few weeks, I hadn't really inspected Deezer's team in full detail; they're actually pretty good. When I remarked that it looked like a pretty solid team, DeYoung let me in on a little secret: his draft strategy this year was to draft good players in the later rounds. Imagine! If you'd told me that before the draft, I would've called you a fool (the later rounds are for shitters!), but it seems to have worked so far for the 2-1 Stallyns. We'll see if this trend catches on amongst fantasy experts in seasons to come. In the meantime, DeYoung spent this week beating down on Woody's Warriors, whose 23 points from Maurice Jones-Drew and 13 from Fred Taylor were cancelled out by an injured Brian Westbrook (1) and a hideous outing by the New England D (-4!). The Stallyns' San Diego D, on the other hand, were third on the team with 17, behind Julius Jones (20) and Aaron Rodgers (19).

Sovic is 2 Girls 1 Cup 71.54, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 101.78
What if I told you that I was 2 girls 1 cup? That I am actually both girls, and the cup, and the poop? Would that just blow your mind? Would it make the video more or less disgusting to you? These are the questions we are all forced to ponder when I'm tired and I've already written 11 game re-caps this week. Anyway, I set myself up pretty well last week for a win-win situation, when I said that I wanted Papkin to go all the way to the finals unbeaten and then get slammed in the FantasyBowl a la the 2007 Patriots. If Papkin won, I'd be one step closer to my goal; if he lost, well then Papkin lost and we're all happy. Sure enough, the latter occured as Koehler's Matt Ryan squad came up big this week. The canophiles were led by the Philly Defense (24), who utterly destroyed the Steelers' offensive line, much to Koehler's delight and Elliott's chagrin. Frank Gore (22) had another good week, further justifying the decision to keep him despite an underwhelming 2007, and TJ Houshmandzadeh (21) had his first week looking like the Housh of old. Combined with Kurt Warner (15) and Dwayne Bowe (10), that was more than enough to overcome Papkin's paltry performance, whose only real standout was the Tennessee Defense with 19.

Week 4 previews soon to come.

BIFL - Week 3 Review

I've been accused of giving Biffle the short shrift, and they have so far been the second Review/Preview written every week, so I've decided to flip the script this week and give my early attentions to my longest-tenured league.
Speaking of long-tenured, let me make a personal admission: lately, I've been feeling pretty fucking old. I don't have a problem with it: I'm not nostalgic for the "good old days" of my youth; I'm not feeling crickety or run-down (in fact, I'm in better shape now than I've been for the past 10 years or so); I don't feel any pressure to "settle down." But I've got more gray hairs all the time, I've got former students who I taught as children going into college, my memory is absolutely terrible, and I've been living in New York and teaching for longer than I lived in Charlottesville - and those four years felt like a lifetime.
Nowhere is my rapid advancement into old age more apparent than in the realm of sports - not so much in my own participation, which hasn't been particularly active since high school, but in the athletes I follow. Here's something you probably didn't hear about amidst news of the NFL, Ryder Cup, and MLB playoff hunt this weekend: Shareef Abdur-Rahim announced his retirement. For those of you who aren't NBA fans as I am, Abdur-Rahim is a guy who came into the league in '96 after only a year at Cal-Berkeley, and was almost immediately the best player on a nascent Vancouver Grizzlies team. 'Reef had his best years in Vancouver, but eventually went on to play in Atlanta, Portland, and Sacramento. His career was pretty unremarkable, except for setting a record for unremarkability: he had the most games played without a playoff appearance. The point of this is not to eulogize Abdur-Rahim; I don't even really care that he's retiring. The significance here is that I remember distinctly this guy's entire career, and that's 12 seasons in the NBA. I remember his seasons in Vancouver, thinking that he was gonna be one of the top 5 players in the Association for a long time (I have a weakness for power forwards with good post moves). I remember his trade to Atlanta, when it seemed brutally unfair that a guy who languished so long on such an awful team could somehow move to an even more awful team. I remember his brief stint on the Blazers, when he was one of the few likeable players on my once-favorite team. And I remember him as a crafty veteran for the past few seasons on a sub-par Sacramento Kings team (think a poor man's Antonio McDyess in his current Pistons stint). And now he's done. The start and end of a dozen years as a professional athlete, and I was basically an adult for both of them. That is getting old.
So what's all this SA-R business have to do with fantasy? Well, when I look at the top scorers in fantasy so far this season, part of me wants to say "well these are all just early-season deviations and I'm sure soon enough the Mannings and Tomlinsons and Mosses will be back near the top." But maybe these guys aren't just having down-weeks, and maybe they're not having injury problems. Maybe they're just old, and on the downside of their careers.
I can barely remember my first season of fantasy football: I inherited an already-drafted team and maybe checked my line-up once a week (a far cry from writing a 5,000-word blog entry about it). But I do remember that I had a rookie named LaDainian Tomlinson, and though there wasn't a ton of buzz about him league-wide yet, I got to see the kind of stats he was putting up each week and saw the beginning of an incredible career. Now I find myself wondering: is this just a toe injury, or is this the beginning of the end? Chances are, LDT will still be a productive running back for a few years to come, but given the lifespan of an average NFL rusher, the end of his Hall of Fame career is probably in sight. And when it's gone, that's one more career I'll have seen from start to finish. And that'll be just one more sign that I am fucking old. And you fuckers are, too.*

*and Will and Juse and Mark are really old.
Wow, that went from a simple fantasy intro to a meditation on my quarter-life crisis. Um, let's re-cap some games before I start crying.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 100.5, Juse and the Argonauts 86.5

As advertised on their smack board, this was a battle for the basement of the Western division, although thanks to how disgracefully bad Will's team is, neither team actually ended up at the absolute bottom of the standings. Dick actually had a very solid week on the strength of LaDainian Tomlinson's first big showing of the year (20 pts). That performance was part of a 38-point Monday night (with Laveranues Coles' 13 and David Harris' 5) that brought the Poon Pounders roaring back on an Argonauts team that could only watch helplessly as their Sunday lead dissipated into nothing. When you're 0-3, it's always nice to look for a bright side, and there are a few for Juse: Brandon Marshall (23) is already the third-highest scoring wide receiver this year, and he's only played in two games to everyone else's three. Julius Jones (22), who I had assumed was just about done as a fantasy factor, has parlayed the Seahawks receiveritis epidemic and a Maurice Morris injury into two unexpectedly outstanding weeks. Unfortunately for the Big Fancy F, nobody else really stepped up this week.

Egon Spengler 122, Pet Monkey 114
If Pet Monkey were a student in my class, I would say to him what I have said to so many students over the years: "!Ay, pobrecito!" The phrase is roughly equivalent to Livia Soprano's "Aw, poor you!" (about 5 mins in) in perfectly expressing the false compassion I feel for Billy in being the 2nd-highest scorer of the week - by a wide margin, no less - and still losing. But unfortunately for Billy, that's what you get when you step to the Spengler. The big boy again for us this week was Michael Turner (30), but he got a healthy dose of support from TJ Housh (22) in his 2008 breakout and free agent pick-up Anthony Fasano (12). Monday night was a bit of a nail-biter for me, with Billy's Nate Kaeding (13), Chansi Stuckey (10) and Antonio Gates (8) edging him ever closer to me, but Brett Favre's 18-point performance, despite the picks, kept me ahead. As for Roddy White (21), Aaron Rodgers (20), Larry Johnson (20), and Santana Moss (13), I have another common teacher comment: "Good Effort!"

Alligator Fuckhouse 45.5, Sky Vault Centurions 98.5
Coming into this week, Alligator Fuckhouse was 2-0 to the Centurions' 1-1, but Souts' victories had come at the expense of two weak outings, including Dick's historically bad Week 1 performance and my completely aberrant Spengler showing in Week 2. Meanwhile, Andre was averaging over 100 points a week. The fantasy gods will only hide such inequities for so long, and this week proved it (unless of course you're Spencer, in which case the fantasy gods will fuck you again and again and again). The Fuckhouse turned in a putrid performance, with only Trent Edwards (11) reaching double figures. The Centurions, on the other hand, laid a solid foundation with their offensive big guns (Fitzgerald-20, Cutler-16, Portis-13), but really secured the victory with defense (Antoine Winfield's 10) and special teams (Robbie Gould's 12).

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 58.5, Manatee Eaters 85
Of course, the big story in the NFL this week was Ronnie Brown's return from obscurity to have an utterly huge day, running for 4 touchdowns and passing for another. The big fantasy story is that nobody actually played him, including Chuck who left his 43 points on the bench. If he had played Brown, instead of, say, Edgerrin James (8), he might have actually squared or cubed the score of his opponent, the lowly Jeff Stryker is not really gay. Following the untimely death of 1st-round pick Laurence Maroney and the mysterious disappearance of Braylon Edwards (2), the only person left carrying the Jeff Stryker standard is Adrian Peterson. And in weeks like this one, where AP fails to go crazy (7), there's little chance of success for Shoaf. Meanwhile, Chuck's active players didn't do nearly as much as his bench, but 24 from Reggie Bush, 9 from Peyton Manning, and 8.5 out of IDP DeMeco Ryans were enough to put him well overtop Will's batch of losers.

Skinny White Guys 53, Cholish Chachfaces 89
Like his fellow Manhattanite Souts, Bardey had a dreary Week 3, with the Skinny White Guys only barely surpassing the Fuckhouse's meager output. A brief perusal of the scoreboard reveals that Matt Forte (20) is responsible for nearly forty percent of that paltry score, so without the Bears' standout rookie, we're talking about a truly ugly fantasy performance here. Mark had a fine week, I suppose, with that Barber-Lynch 1-2 punch (23 and 21 pts, respectively) carrying him once again. But then, at 6:26 on Monday evening, everything changed when Mark made the fateful decision to post a message on my game's smackboard. That simple act was ballsy and stupid enough, but what's worse is that Chalski had the temerity to question the early-season dominance of one Michael Xavier Turner, suggesting that his success had been the result of weak opponents, rather than his equine heritage and the steady support of his lover, waiting patiently for the end of the season in his lonely little room in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. From that moment forward a dark cloud descended on the Chachfaces' season. If you've got any of Chalski's players in other leagues, I suggest you trade them soon for cents-on-the-dollar, for a terrible and frightful fate surely awaits them all.

Week 9, Marcus. Week 9.
(By the way, keep this quiet, because we don't want Mark to hear, but he's got Philip Rivers, the only player currently ahead of Turner in fantasy scoring, on his bench. I guess he feels better with Matt "My receivers were homeless yesterday, and my spine will be tomorrow" Hasselbeck. Shhhhh!!! Don't tell!)

FUBAR 93.5, Chip Lohmiller 71
Who the fuck is Cortland Finnegan? I mean, I don't expect to know every single IDP we've got in this league, but I watch a shitload of football coverage, and presumably the top IDPs are actually good defensive players who would stand out in a game, but I've definitely never heard of Cortland Finnegan, a defensive back for the Titans who supplied FUBAR with 11 points this week. Although his name stands out to me for its unfamiliarity, there were a few names I knew well Fucking Chip Lohmiller Up Beyond All Recognition this week. Drew Brees and Frank Gore went for 24 points each, aided by Kevin Boss's 11. And despite leaving Joe Addai's 20 on the bench, Spence achieved a relatively easy victory over Dekker, whose NFC East connection let him down. Romo-Westbrook-Owens combined for a mere 16 points this week (most of that being Romo), leaving Maurice Jones-Drew (23) as the lone bright spot for Lohmiller. After leaving early in the game in Week 3, Westbrook could be out or looking at a lighter load next week, but Dekker should easily plug the hole with Rashard Mendenhall, who'll be getting his first NFL start with Willie Parker down.

Whew. That was a god damned novella. Back in a few with Week 4 predictions.

BIFL - Week 3 Preview

This is gonna have to be quick. It's 12:50, I'm in bed, and my head is killing me. Fucking sake bombs.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon vs. Juse and the Argonauts
Juse's guys are healthy. Dick's are not.
Juse by 5

Egon Spengler vs. Pet Monkey
Hollywood is a bitch.
Spengler by 8

Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Sky Vault Centurions
I can't believe Souts beat me last week. I feel dirty.
Centurions by 6

Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. Manatee Eaters
AP might be hurt. Who's Andre Hall?
Manatee by 4

Skinny White Guys vs. Cholish Chachfaces
I can't even make comments anymore my head hurts so much.
Chachfaces I guess

Chip Lohmiller vs. FUBAR
Spencer fix your logo, ass.
Lohmiller by 9 or so.

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 10-2
I'm gonna go puke.

NBD - Week 3 Preview

Things happen fast in the NFL's 16-game season, and even faster in our 13-week fantasy season. By the end of Week 3, you're already through almost a quarter of the league's games. 3-0? You're starting to think about the team you're bringing to the playoffs. 0-3? You're thinking about what kind of drastic moves you need to make to salvage the season. Read on to find out if you need to start celebrating or start worrying.

Michael Pemulis (0-2) vs. The Leadfarmers (2-0)
Cincinnati's D is atrocious, meaning that the Eli-Plax combination is likely to go nuclear this weekend. And I'm a lot more worried about Dallas shutting down a hobbled Ryan Grant than I am about Green Bay shutting down Marion Barber.
Leadfarmers by 10

CH Croakies (1-1) vs. Chestpubes & Ballfro (2-0)
Interesting that both Adrian Peterson and LaDainian Tomlinson, the top-ranked players in fantasy, are both questionable this week. Unfortunately for E, Peterson's game is at 1 on Sunday, whereas Tomlinson's is Monday night, giving him some extra recovery time. Also, Elliott's starting Isaac Bruce. Gross.
Chestpubes by 7

Hamster Now Guinea Pig (1-1) vs. Mephistopheles (0-2)
Cutler-Marshall = fantasy dynamite. Laurence Maroney = fantasy kryptonite. Crystallized iron in the rhombohedral system = fantasy hematite.
Guinea Pig by 12

Wyld Stallyns (1-1) vs. Woody's Warriors (0-2)
Aaron Rodgers has made me a believer, and while I don't believe much in Julius Jones, he is playing the Rams, who are god awful. I don't think anyone can stop Brian Westbrook, but the Steelers probably have as good a shot as anyone at containing him. So logic leads me to pick DeYoung. But here's what I know: DeYoung's team always sucks, and Woody's team always does well. So...
Warriors by 5

Sovic is 2 Girls 1 Cup (2-0) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (1-1)
My dad (and presumably Michael Toobin) always has to look up the team names to find out what they're references to, so I'm both tickled and horrified to imagine him checking out Papkin's new moniker. I'm also horrified by the gaping hole at his RB2 position, and tickled to see him lose his first game (despite what I said in the Week 2 review).
Matt Ryan by 4

Burke City Giants (1-1) vs. Tri Steeg Area (1-1)
If you read my BIFL Week 1 review, you know how I feel about Michael Turner. And even though he didn't do much last week, I suspect a return to dominance this week against a lousy Chiefs team. That said, I think this'll be the closest match of the week.
Burke City by 1

Good luck to all, except for Derek, who can die a thousand bloody deaths for all I care. Here's a hot lady:

and here's a weird animal:

Last week: 2-4 (yikes)

Overall: 6-6

BIFL - Week 2 Review

Juse and the Argonauts 124, Chip Lohmiller 129
Our re-cap this week starts off with a barn-burner, as Week 2's highest-scoring teams met in an epic clash. Somebody drafted Juse a hell of a receiving corps (actually, two of these guys were keepers, so somebody drafted him one-third of a hell of a receiving corps), and with Brandon Marshall raring to go after coming off his suspension, they really came to play this week. Marshall, Plaxico Burress, and Anquan Boldin combined for an incredible 74 points (outscoring three Biffle franchises all by themselves). Add in 21 points from Julius Jones, and you've got what would amount to a fantasy victory in almost any league against almost any opponent in almost any week. Unfortunately for Juse, Chip Lohmiller is not just any opponent in any league. He is Dekker's team in BIFL, which needs he should, by every right, suck. And yet somehow he topped the Argos. Well, not somehow: he topped them by stocking up on players from by far this year's dominant division, the NFC East, in a week where two of them (Philly and Big D) were playing each other in a monday night shootout. Dekker's boys, Tony Romo, Brian Westbrook, and Terrell Owens, brought Lohmiller back from the dead to the tune of 75 points on Monday night. It's worth noting that 6 of those points came from a Brian Westbrook touchdown which, unless you haven't watched a second of sports broadcasting this week, you know was the result of DeSean Jackson's decision to perform his famous celebratory touchdown drop on the 1-yard line. Dekker's margin of victory? 5 points. Ooh that hurts. I suggest Mr. Jackson stay out of Oklahoma for the foreseeable future.

Pet Monkey 86.5, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 73.5
After last week, any kind of reasonable effort out of the Poon-Pounders would have been a vast improvement. And there was some improvement... from about three people. Eli Manning made for a big upgrade over Carson Palmer, dropping 22 points on the hapless Rams. Donald Driver had a respectable 11 points, and Chris Cooley went for 7, which is 7 more than he went for last week. Otherwise, though, this was more of an Aluminum Chef, without enough firepower to overcome even a modest week by Billy's Pet Monkey. Most of the Monkey's players were pretty mediocre in Week 2, but 164 receiving yards, 27 rushing yards, and two touchdowns were good for 28 points from Santana Moss, essentially proving to be the difference in this game. Apart from Moss, though, I see no evidence supporting Bardey's claim to have drafted Billy a good team, especially in the face of Juse's Sovic-drafted team putting up a huge week. I smell a side bet between Doit and myself.

Egon Spengler 61, Alligator Fuckhouse 81.5
On the other hand, the team I drafted for myself looked like a steaming pile of hot wet baby shit this week. Only one offensive touchdown, nobody but my kicker in double figures, and a goose-egg from my newly-acquired tight end: not exactly a world-beating performance. Souts' team was no offensive powerhouse either, aside from Anthony Gonzalez's 15-point performance, but the Fuckhouse proved once again this week how important IDPs can be. When Justin Tuck intercepted a Marc Bulger pass for a touchdown, Souts came running from the back of the bar we were at and danced a little jig in my face, prompting Trost to call it "the whitest thing I've ever seen." White though it may have been, it was enough, combined with another Int-TD later from Patrick Willis, to put Souts securely ahead of me. That puts both owners of last year's Pet Monkey suckfest at 2-0 for the 2008 season. Perhaps this was one divorce that was good for the kids?

Sky Vault Centurions 111.5, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 90
I finally took a few minutes this week to Wikipedia these two team names, about whose origins I was totally clueless. As it turns out, I was vaguely familiar with The Centurions, part of the 80's flood of cartoon-comic book-action figure series involving teams of superheroes with detachable/interchangeable weapon parts (providing the toy companies the opportunity to sell all sorts of accessory packages). I think I actually had a few of the action figures, as good guy Max Ray and bad guy Hacker look familiar to me. I think when I was a kid I thought I just had a few fucked up GI Joe figures, but they were actually Centurions. By the way, if I never mentioned it before, I played with GI Joes for waaay too long when I was a kid. Like I'm pretty sure most kids stop by like 1st or 2nd grade, and I went up to 7th grade. I actually remember having the conscious thought entering 7th grade "If I ever want to make any friends, I've got to stop playing with GI Joes." A similar decision was made a year or two later with comic books. Then somewhere along the line I lost those inhibitions, and now I just do whatever ultra geek-ass hobby my brain can come up with ("Spend an entire summer mastering Guitar Hero? Yeah! Waste five to six hours a week writing a fantasy football blog that will be read by almost no one? Definitely!").
Jeff Stryker, on the other hand, was apparently the star of hetero-, bi-, and homo-sexual porn films whose work I was entirely unfamiliar with (really, I swear). My favorite portion of the Wikipedia bio concerns Stryker's legal issues: "He is also noted for the “Jeff Stryker Cock and Balls,” a rubber dildo fashioned from a cast of his penis and widely sold in sex stores..." "Stryker sued Health Devices Inc. and California Publishers Liquidating Corp. for over $1 million for breach of contract and piracy when they sold a bootleg dildo of his genitals without paying him sufficiently." If I had a nickel for everytime somebody sold a bootleg dildo of my genitals... Anyways these two played a fantasy football game and I already forget what happened. Jay Cutler did good I think. Blah blah blah.

Manatee Eaters 81.5, Skinny White Guys 70.5
I have almost nothing to say about this unexciting match-up. Chuck won on the strength of several good but unspectacular performances, including 14 points each for Peyton Manning and Reggie Bush, and 13 points each for DeSean Jackson and Jason Witten. Jeremy Shockey had a big 0-fer, which would have hurt had Devery Henderson not had one as well for Bardey. Way to go, Skins' secondary! Anyways, Bardey had a similar batch of decent showings, including Tony Scheffler (18), Donovan McNabb (15), Matt Forte (11) and Santonio Holmes (10), so it was really the little guys--the IDPs and kickers--that made the difference in this one.

Cholish Chachfaces 110, FUBAR 96
The Chachfaces came out with guns blazing this week, ensuring another week of high scoring and no winning for Spencer. FUBAR had to be happy with the play of Calvin Johnson, who put up 28 points against the Packers, and Frank Gore, who had a respectable 13 points, but no one else really stepped up. Still, 96 points is a good week, but Chalski had a better week. Philip Rivers led the charge with 33 points, and he and Cutler look to be establishing themselves as the future of the QB position in fantasy football. The smashmouth rushing combo of Marshawn Lynch and Marion Barber stiff-armed their way to 34 points, and the receiving tandem of Reggie Wayne and Torry Holt was not far behind with 30. Although Rivers' performance was exceptional, I wouldn't be surprised to see this kind of output from the Chachfaces every week, making them a definite contender for the Biffle crown. Meanwhile, I think we can look forward to another futile season of awful, awful luck for the Spence-Frogg.

It's already Friday evening as I post this, so Previews will have to come soon or not at all (that's what she said!). Luckily, I'm too broke and too tired from last night's 9-mile run (that's right, bitches! Fitness!) to do anything tonight or tomorrow, so expect more geekitude soon.

Beep Boop

NBD - Week 2 Review

I Drink Your Milkshake 65.36, Chestpubes & Ballfro 95.48
The trouble for me this week started when Hurrican Ike caused the postponement of the Texans-Ravens game, leaving me without stud wideout Andre Johnson. The trouble continued... wait, scratch that. The trouble actually started several weeks ago when I drafted a shitty team for the fourth year in a row. The worst move I made? Drafting Seahawks. My back-up to AJ would have been Nate Burleson, but he's out for the season, just like eight other Seahawks receivers (I'm pretty sure that's not an exaggeration). With all those receivers out, you'd have to figure the Seattle passing game is gonna be pretty much defunct, right? Well, guess who my quarterback is! Matt Hasselbeck! Ugh. I started Hank Baskett in lieu of Burleson. That doesn't even need a joke. Meanwhile, my opponent didn't get much from his receivers either, but unlike me appears to have other, skilled players who aren't entirely useless at the other positions. The Monday night shootout led to 20 points for Tony Romo, and Colly got a second straight strong rookie running back performance, but this time out of a different rookie: Chris Johnson (12). LDT had a down week, but the slack was picked up by Tony Scheffler (18), who's fast becoming the talisman of this Ballfro squad.

CH Croakies 94.24, Our Generation's Rodney Dangerfield 130.14
Normally 94 points would win you most games in our league, but this week (when every team in the league went nuts on offense), against this opponent (top performance of the league so far this season), Elliott didn't stand a chance. Still, the Croakies had some good showings this week, including the Green Bay D/ST, which won the game for E last week and led his crew in scoring this week. A high-scoring defense and Adrian Peterson (18) aren't quite enough, though, to top a team that had only two players not in double figures. Tri Steeg's output in Week 2 may be the most effective balanced attack I've ever seen in fantasy, with no truly dominant performances, but a bunch of really great ones, including TO (21), Jonathan Stewart (20), Earnest Graham (19), and Reggie Bush (15). Kex' score this week was also subject to some controversy, although most of you guys were probably unaware of it. Apparently there was a play last week where Frank Gore fumbled the ball, and a Seattle defender picked it up. Then he fumbled it, and another Seattle defender picked it up and ran it in for a touchdown. Yahoo did not score this as a defensive TD, reasoning somehow that after the first Seahawk's fumble, the Seattle defense became an offense and so it was not a defensive touchdown. Eventually this was resolved (Yahoo gave them the touchdown), but in the meantime I wandered on to the Yahoo Commissioner's Corner message board. I'm not sure if Dante Alighieri never played fantasy football, or if he was just too horrified to describe it, but this message board is most certainly one of the deepest rings of hell. It's like a thousand Papkins all screaming at each other via capital letters, poor grammar, a teenager's IM/text shorthand, and horribly mis-spelled words. Actually that sounds less like a circle of hell and more like my very specific personal hell.

The Leadfarmers 101.5, Mephistopheles 61.84
Why is it that when I talk shit about Derek's players, they invariably prove me wrong, but when I talk shit about my own players, they simply back me up? My biggest nitpick with the Leadfarmers heading into the season was their early selection of Eli Manning as their starting QB, so of course he spent Week 1 picking apart my beloved 'Skins and Week 2 leading (or almost leading--Marion Barber had one more point) Derek to victory over my (somewhat less) beloved father. Manning posted 22 this week, and catch end of his pitch-and-catch tandem, Plaxico Burress, chipped in 14 as well. Meanwhile, Ray did a great job of maintaining the Tarasovic stranglehold on the bottom of the rankings. Greg Jennings had a nice week with 17 points, and post-draft snag DeSean Jackson had another decent outing (11) despite his bone-headed premature celebration, but that wasn't enough to put Mephistopheles within shouting distance of the Leadfarmers. I'm thinking that if I can replace four of you with other relatives of mine next year, I might stand a chance at making the playoffs.

Hamster Now Guinea Pig 125.8, Woody's Warriors 87.26
Like their former namesake, Jim Zorn, Haller's team made a huge turnaround this week, more than doubling their output from Week 1 for this drubbing of fellow Wolfpacker Sherwood. Appropriately, the charge was led by Clinton Portis' 22 points on Sunday afternoon, and was enthusiastically followed up Sunday night by the Cutler-Marshall connection, who put up 54 points between them in a performance that looked reminiscent of last year's Brady-Moss juggernaut. Woody actually had a couple of outstanding performances, too, in the form of 28- and 25-point weeks from Brian Westbrook and Calvin Johnson, respectively, but no one else did much. Woody is especially smarting from the ugly early-season play of Carson Palmer, whose once vaunted passing offense appears to be in shambles. If the Bengals don't get their act together soon, our resident faux-Hawaiian may soon be regretting that fourth-round Palmer selection.

Wyld Stallyns 122.72, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 74.84
After year after year of awful teams and over a season of consistent abuse in these Commissioner's Notes, DeYoung had his first good week ever in Week 2, inspiring him to talk some trash (see the Comments on last week's preview). If you read closely, you can see the positive effects of DeYoung's participation in Tony Robbins' recent "Nice Guys Can Talk Smack Too" seminar. I only hope this new spirit of competitiveness continues once the Wyld Stallyns come back to earth. As it is, they had the kind of performance in Week 2 that could keep Jon under the delusion that he has a good team for another couple weeks. Aaron Rodgers (26) is riding high in Green Bay, looking like a more-than-able replacement for you-know-who. The game I saw in Green Bay last year led me to retire my Santana Moss jersey, but he had a return to form this week with 25 fantasy points. And Julius Jones had an unexpectedly strong showing for the Seahawks. Meanwhile, what was seemingly Koehler's biggest problem is actually no problem at all, as Kurt Warner had a Brady-like week in Arizona with 26 points. The rest of the Matt Ryan squad, however, looked like they all had multiple sprained collateral ligaments, with only Frank Gore breaking into double-digits.

Ooslay Oopypay 111.24, Burke City Giants 67.94
You might think, after all the awful things I've said about him over the past few years in mean-spirited e-mails, notes, and blog posts, that I would be upset that Papkin won another game this week, leading him to a 2-0 record and the top position in the league. But you would be wrong. In fact, I hope that Papkin wins every game of the regular season, after which I'll happily pay him the regular season winner's pot. And then I hope that he enjoys his bye week off in the first round of the playoffs and goes on to beat his semi-final opponent in a spirited match. And then I hope he suffers an utterly humiliating defeat in the finals, one that will crush his psyche and leave emotional scars that won't be fully apparent until many years down the road. Then and only then will he be repaid for the headaches he has caused me. I believe it can happen, and helping me out this week were Anquan Boldin (32), the Tennessee Defense (17), and Michael Toobin's lousy team. The Giants came up quite small in Week 2, managing only a few decent performances out of Reggie Wayne (15), Stephen Gostkowski (13), and Marshawn Lynch (13)

With five teams over the century mark, this was one of the highest-scoring NBD weeks in history. Shootouts make for good fantasy and even better spectating, so let's hope this trend continues as the season wears on. I'll be back late this week with predictions for all the upcoming games.

Oh, and sorry no pictures this week. I'm off to Nobu tonight, bitches, so my gourmet sushi-eating ass has no time to Google Image-search more pictures of gay guys.

BIFL - Week 2 Preview

If I survive the Chinese I ate tonight, and the 100-year-old hot dog I eat at Fenway tomorrow night, here's what I'll see come Sunday:

Juse & the Argonauts vs. Chip Lohmiller
Lohmiller's NFC East bloc (Romo, Owens, Westbrook) = blowout power. Meanwhile, Juse's AFC North connection (Anderson and McGahee) might actually blow up.
Lohmiller by 10

Pet Monkey vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon
LDT is significantly better than Larry Johnson. But every other player on Pet Monkey is better than every other player on ICPP.
Pet Monkey by 12

Egon Spengler vs. Alligator Fuckhouse
Soutendijk is fucked.
Spengler by 9

Sky Vault Centurions vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay
Indianapolis doesn't play run defense, do they? Shit I made a stupid bet against Will last week.
Jeff Stryker by 5

Manatee Eaters vs. Skinny White Guys
I've never thought that highly of Reggie Bush as an NFLer. But I'm scared to death of what he's gonna do to the Skins this weekend. If Ryan Grant were full strength, I'd probably still give it to Doit, but he's not, so...
Eaters by 4

Cholish Chachfaces vs. FUBAR
I think this one's gonna be close. Real close. So I'm just gonna go with the guy who hasn't had a picture that doesn't work as his logo since last season. Tighten it up, Jones.
Cholach by 2

Last week: 6-0

That's right, bitches. 6-0.

NBD - Week 2 Preview

The Chief and I are headed up to Boston this weekend to catch a game at Fenway, so without a leisurely Saturday around the house to write another tome, Week 2 predictions will be short and sweet.

I Drink Your Milkshake! vs. Chestpubes & Ballfro
I'd be hard-pressed to name a weekend in the past three seasons when I'd take my team over Colly's, but for some reason I've got a good feeling about this Battle of Brooklyn. Maybe it's because Ryan Grant, Steven Jackson, and Hines Ward are all taking on atrocious defenses.
Milkshake by 3

CH Croakies vs. Tri Steeg Area
Looks relatively even to me, but Manning's got horrible fantasy luck.
Croakies by 5

The Leadfarmers vs. Mephistopheles
Unfortunately, I foresee Drew Brees going nuts on the Redskins this weekend, giving Ray perhaps the top scorer of the week.
Mephistopheles by 4

Zorn Country vs. Woody's Warriors
Brian Westbrook is a fantastic fantasy football player (he's pretty good at the real thing, too), but otherwise Woody's team just doesn't impress me. I'm pretty sure I say that every year, and every year his team proves to be significantly better than mine, but it's still early in the season, so...
Zorn Country by 7

Wyld Stallyns vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs
I actually don't think the loss of Brady will hurt Koehler that much this week, as Kurt Warner seems a pretty safe play. DeYoung will presumably replace Marques Colston with Eddie Royal, but with Brandon Marshall coming back I don't see him nearly repeating last week's performance.
Matt Ryan by 5

Ooslay Oopypay vs. Burke City Giants
A showdown between last week's big dogs (Parker and Turner) seems relatively evenly-matched, but Papkin's defensive matchups look better. Much as I'd detest to see him go 2-0,
Oopypay by 6

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 4-2

BIFL - Week 1 Review

You know, the rumors have been circulating for years. The innuendo... the jokes about me and Soutendijk... the questions about my lack of a girlfriend or even any apparent interest in the female species. I've heard the talk. I know people have their suspicions. Well, it's time to end all the speculation. I've decided to start this season off with a bombshell. That's right, boys, I'm totally gay...

...for Michael Turner.

I'm crazy in love. All week I've been dreaming about him. At school my students wonder where my head is at as I sit at my desk, idly doodling his #33, trying out different variations of "Mrs. Michael Turner," "Mr. & Mrs. Michael and Sovic Turner," "Mrs. Michael Turnersovic." I can't stop thinking about him; he just keeps running (get it?) through my brain. And late at night, when I'm lying in bed? I don't even want to tell you how I think about his ass. He's got an enormous ass. I think it's where his power comes from. I swear when he's cruising down the field it looks like the top end of a man and the back end of a horse. Is it wrong to love a centaur? I feel like I could pound that ass for hours and hours and he might not even notice! And he'd never complain, because Michael is patient and supportive. For years he sat behind LaDainian Tomlinson (lucky stiff), just quietly waiting for his chance to shine until he finally got it with the Falcons. And then he pounced. No, my Michael ain't a whiner or a dog; he's a supportive lover who'd let me tap that big baboon ass all night long without a complaint. He'd just occasionally look back and give me that smile. You know that smile of his, right?

Oh, fuck yeah.

By the way have I mentioned yet that my Dad shouldn't read this post? Dad, if you're reading this, go back like 2 paragraphs and stop. Also if any of my students Googled me and found this, you should stop reading, too. This is totally inappropriate for children your age. Anyways, here's your Biffle Week 1 Review:

Juse & the Argonauts 74, Pet Monkey 96

This was a battle of the shadow-teams, as Juse's Sovic-picked squad faced off against Billy's Bardey-selected roster. The result may be an indication of our puppet-picking styles (Bardey: consulting magazine rankings, fellow drafters, Billy's past tendencies; Sovic: chugging whiskey, puking on copy of Football Prospectus 2006, seeing which name had most bile). Then again, it could be the result of one of Billy's key players (Willie Parker) going off on the hapless Texans defense, whereas one of Justin's (Willis McGahee) never got off the bench. Outside of Parker's 33, neither team had any terribly impressive players. The Argos' Plaxico Burress looked good (15 pts, all of it yardage), and Monkey's Ben Roethlisberger (14 pts) had a respectable passing day to complement Parker's rushing, but both these teams are going to need someone to step up Fast Willie-style every week if they hope to contend this season.

Alligator Fuckhouse 69, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 28.5

This... was incredible. I wish I could devote this space to congratulating Souts on his first solo BIFL victory, but something far more historic happened here. Historically awful. Like, Dark Ages awful. I'm talking Bubonic Plague. Picture the elephant man, stung by a thousand bees, and shat upon by a herd of cows, and then shuddering at the sight of something far uglier: Dick's 28 and a half points this week. I don't have the time this week to go digging back into the archives, but if anyone can find a worse performance than this in Biffle history I will buy them dinner. Let's inspect this historic roll call: Carson Palmer - 2 points. Palmer's quarterback rating this week is only measurable in the Kelvin scale. LaDainian Tomlinson - 10 points. 10 points! Like manna from heaven! Pretty shitty for the #1 draft pick, though. Fred Taylor - 1 point. I'm pretty sure the Jags offensive line came down with leprosy. I saw a replay where Titans' D-lineman Albert Haynesworth found an ear on the field. Laveranues Coles - 0 points. Inside scoop: I ran into Brett Favre last weekend and he told me that Laveranues Coles refuses to shower with the other guys. And when the coach finally made him, he wore a t-shirt and jean shorts into the shower. Brett told me he would "never throw to that faggot." I thought it was harsh. Shaun McDonald - 2 points. Who? Oh right I remember that guy: Dick's 3rd-highest offensive scorer, right? Chris Cooley - 0 points. Maybe ought to spend less of his prep time for the game blogging and more of that time, well, prepping for the game. IDPs: 6.5 points. Thank god for these guys, or this might have been embarrassing! Nick Folk: 4 points. Didn't the Cowboys score like 5 touchdowns? Did this dude miss a PAT?

Oh man I'm so happy I started this blog so there'll be a persistent link to this performance forever and ever. I'll just post it every so often, when I'm feeling blue. OK moving on,

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 78.5, Egon Spengler 97

[see introduction]

Skinny White Guys 98, Sky Vault Centurions 93

This was one of the closer games this week, and the team's performances were eerily similar: strong comebacks from quarterbacks recovering from illness/injury (McNabb, 30, overcoming shoulder tendinitis, Cutler, 21, overcoming diabetes--seriously); and nearly identical running back production (22 from Grant/Smith, 21 from Portis/Jacobs). Andre actually dominated the wide receiver match-up, especially since Hines Ward and Ben Roethlisberger apparently made a Survivor-style alliance to shut out Santonio Holmes, and more than made up for the 9-point McNabb-Cutler disparity. So how did Bardey win this game? Easy: Mario Williams. You gotta love IDPs, or else Bardey does, because Super Mario's 8 points put him over the top in Week 1.

FUBAR 99, Manatee Eaters 110

As predicted, both of these teams came out strong to start the season. Drew Brees (29) fired up the Saints' offensive machine for what looks to be another season of fireworks, Frank Gore (22) looked like the Frank Gore we all expected to see in 2007, and Calvin Johnson and Lee Evans (12 each) both had solid days. If Spencer's top gun, Joseph Addai, had stepped up, he might have had the game in hand. Unfortunately, Addai apparently suffered a non-concussion, leading to the funniest series of RotoWire updates I've seen in a while, leading each story with the unlikely "Addai (head)..." Chuck, meanwhile, rode to victory on the shoulders of consistent performance across his team, including Peyton Manning (14), Reggie Bush (26), Edgerrin James (12), and Randy Moss (17).

Cholish Chachfaces 101, Chip Lohmiller 105

I'll tell you who Chalski hates this week: Donte' Stallworth. After strong showings from Marion Barber (22), Jerricho Cotchery (16), Reggie Wayne (14) and Marshawn Lynch (14), Mark must have felt like he was well-situated for a win. He was heading into Monday night with a sizeable lead, and all Dekker had playing was a last minute fill-in for the injured Donte' Stallworth: Denver receiver Eddie Royal. I'm sure by now we all know what happened with Mr. Royal on Monday night, as he went off for 146 receiving yards and a touchdown, leading Lohmiller to barely eclipse the Chachfaces in this week's closest game.

Royal and others started off the season with some surprising performances, but ultimately nothing surprises Commandant Lassard, as I correctly predicted all six of this week's games. If you want to know the future, stay tuned for my Week 2 predictions.

NBD - Week 1 Review

There are many reasons to love the first week of the football season, not all of them football-related. There is the cooling of the weather as summer transitions into fall, my favorite season temperature-wise ("finally, sweater weather!"). There is the settling in that happens after the summertime flurry of travel and activity (I was away for all but three weekends in July and August). For me, and for the students amongst us, there is the start of a new school year and all the hopes and possibilities that entails ("Maybe this year I won't have to bribe a student not to tell his parents that I bitch-slapped him with a textbook!"). And then of course there is football, and all its attendant rites and rituals. Though the most sacred of these to me is spending a Sunday lost in the darkness of a sports bar, monitoring six games at once, eating delicious and all-but-poisonous bar food, and drinking my way into forgetting how bad the Redskins are for yet another season, a close second is the monday night game. Sweet, sweet, Monday Night Football, which turns what would be an otherwise be an utterly worthless night of the week (I'm exhausted, I'm cranky, and there's still four more days of work before the weekend) into a last gasp of weekend sports fanaticism, and a last chance to close out that week's fantasy game. Those MNF commercials are as effective an advertising campaign as I've seen, and not necessarily because they're clever (though they occasionally are), but because they're so damn right. Almost nothing in my life (and keep in mind here that I haven't touched a boob since like 2003) brings me more pleasure than a Monday Night game where my fantasy score hangs in the balance. This season started with not one but two of these games in the NBD League, with two match-ups not being settled until Monday Night, and by less than 1 point each.


CH Croakies 86.28, I Drink Your Milkshake! 85.40
After Sunday, Elliott was down by 17 points with Adrian Peterson and the Green Bay Defense still to play against my Ryan Grant. Considering that Peterson and GB D/ST were playing against each other, it would have seemed difficult for the two to combine for too many points. AP would have to rack up the yardage without scoring too much, and/or the Packers would need special teams points and defensive points from picks and fumble recoveries. Well, damn it all if that isn't exactly what they did. I will let the transcript of our text messages tell the tale:
(pre-game)
Elliott: I'm f'ed. i just realized that i have the green bay def playing.
Sovic: Not like they're gonna give you negative points, but yeah if ap has a big night, you'll be getting less from your d. And eighteen points is a lot of ground to cover with grant playing too.
(third quarter Will Blackmon punt return puts Elliott up slightly)
Elliott: YES!
Sovic: Fucking fuck
Elliott: Haha. fantasy is a cruel sport. sitll plenty of time left.
(fourth quarter Ryan Grant 57 yd run gives Sovic a 4-point cushion)
Sovic: Huge!
Elliott: That might be it.
(fourth quarter Adrian Peterson TD brings Elliott within a point)
Sovic: Jesus i can't take this.
Elliott: Haha. thank god we dont have players in the second game.
(fourth quarter 2 min warning)
Elliott: This could be the most exciting 2 min in nbd history.
(fourth quarter Atari Bigby interception puts Elliott up by .88)
Elliott: Is that game?
Sovic: Unbelievable.
Elliott: That was awesome!


Chestpubes & Ballfro 78.60, Mephistopheles 78.22
If Monday night was cruel to me, it was downright brutal to our league's other Tarasovic. The match-up between Joe and Ray had several players going on Monday night, and after the first game the Devil's team had a 13-point cushion. With Darren McFadden and Tony Scheffler going for the Chestpubers, that lead looked iffy, but when McFadden left with a shoulder injury, Ray must have been feeling safe and sound with his first victory of the season. And then, in one play, the bottom dropped out as Jay Cutler found Scheffler completely uncovered for a 72-yard reception (his only of the night) putting C&B up by a fraction of a point, the fraction that would decide the game.


The Leadfarmers 98.64, Woody's Warriors 82.16
Two of last season's strongest teams were Derek Haller's and Eric Sherwood's, and both looked to be strong again this season heading into a Week 1 collision. Their marquee players certainly showed up, essentially cancelling each other out with 22 points from Derek's Marion Barber and 21 points from Woody's Brian Westbrook. The supporting casts were equally strong, with solid outings from Randy Moss, Plaxico Burress, and Edgerrin James for the Leadfarmers and Calvin Johnson, Jerricho Cotchery and Antonio Gates for the Warriors. The difference in this game came from a surprising place: the quarterback advantage, where Woody must have felt he had the advantage with Carson Palmer taking on Eli Manning. But much to his chagrin, Eli posted a perfectly respectable 14 points while Palmer fell flat with a measly 4.


Zorn Country 53.16, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 84.84
Frank Gore was one of fantasy's biggest underachievers last season, but amidst speculation of a full recovery from his injury woes and a revamped role in San Fran's Mike Martz offense, Koehler chose to keep him this season. That decision was richly rewarded in Week 1, as Gore put together 96 rushing yards, 56 receiving yards, and a touchdown. Coupled with Thomas Jones, who also had a strong start to the season after a disappointing 2007, Koehler's running backs posted 37 points this week. That alone was almost enough to beat Haller's boys, who were simply awful this week. The lone bright spots were Brett Favre (though his 14 points were hardly spectacular) and the Chicago Defense, which was actually the high scorer for Zorn Country. Other than those two, only Clinton Portis scored more than 5 points for Haller. Not a recipe for fantasy success.


Wyld Stallyns 67.52, Burke City Giants 100.06
We've seen this situation before: a long-time back-up who has shown flashes of brilliance in limited time moves to a starting position with a new team, and the expectations amongst fantasy fanboys are huge, and usually unmet. Think of Lamont Jordan going from the Jets to the Raiders, or Matt Schaub moving from Atlanta to Houston, or Thomas Jones' transition from Chicago to New York. None of these has done as much in so little time to prove their worth as Michael Turner, who dropped 220 rushing yards and two touchdowns on the Stallyns' heads this week, pretty much single-handedly constituting the (large) score differential in this game. DeYoung's squad, meanwhile, continues to get hit with the injury bug, as Marques Colston has been put on the shelf for 4-6 weeks. This is the third season in a row DeYoung has been hit with a major injury (Deuce McAllister, Steven Jackson, and now Colston); it's almost as though Deezer has come to embody his beloved N'Awlins--continually battered by natural disasters, but too hardheaded to just get out of the game.


Ooslay Oopypay 107.14, Tri Steeg Area 95.28
I seem to recall that Kex lost a lot of games last year in unlucky fashion, scoring a lot of points, but always against a team that scored just a few more. That could be true, or I could totally be making it up, but if it is true then he picked up this year right where he left off. This week's opponent was Papkin, and his Loose Poopers put up this week's high score. This came largely on the shoulders of Willie Parker, who must have taken offense at my criticism of last year's touchdown total since he has already surpassed it. Close behind was Donovan McNabb, who looked frighteningly good (if you're a Skins fan) scoring 27 points and throwing to a variety of unheralded receivers. Despite his huge point total this week, though, Papkin can't count on those kinds of performances from McNabb and Parker every week, and he's got to be worried about Willis McGahee's goose-egg, and Torry Holt's 9 receiving yards. Manning, on the other hand, can't be too disheartened by this loss considering the strong outings by Reggie Bush, TO, and Earnest Graham.

...And so another another fine season of Native Burke Dwellers kicks off. I foresee another year of parity and excitement, as well as hopefully some increased opportunities to shit all over Papkin's team. If you've read this far, you probably deserve a reward. Here you go:



Week 2 Previews coming soon.

BIFL - Week 1 Preview

It's always hard to know what to expect going into the first week of the season (well, except for the Giants-'Skins game; I'm pretty sure I can expect the 'Skins to look awful and throw third-down passes a few yards short of the first-down marker all game), but that won't stop me from making some completely uneducated predictions about what's going to happen this week.

Juse & the Argonauts vs. Pet Monkey

The Argonauts are off to a strong start already with the 15-point performance of Plaxico Burress, but Santana Moss' 9 keeps Billy in the hunt. I don't see either of these teams having a terrible advantage over the other, but with a lot of question marks surrounding Justin's team (Derek Anderson getting over a concussion, Darren McFadden in his first NFL game, Willis McGahee not quite 100%, and Anquan Boldin not really liking his team), I have to give a slight edge to Billy.

Pet Monkey by 5.
Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon

Dick's team has both the best starting player on any roster (LaDainian Tomlinson) and the worst (Shaun McDonald? Really?) this week, and the advantage of one might just cancel out the other, as Tomlinson has been a relatively slow starter the last few years. These owners will both be minding their P's and Q's this week, with a number of Probable and Questionable players on either team. Soutendijk, in particular, may face a difficult decision sunday morning as to whether to play Jamal Lewis or not, but Chris Perry (currently on his bench) is getting the starting nod for the Bengals, and may not represent much of a dropoff if Lewis can't go. Tom Brady is liable to tear up the Chiefs; neither team has much going for it in the receiver department; and Dick's tight end already played but scored like he didn't. With that in mind:

Fuckhouse by 8

Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. Egon Spengler

This one's gonna look like a blowout early since I've already got 8.5 points out of my linebacker and pretty much my entire team plays at 1:00 on Sunday, whereas Will's curiously-defensive-about-their-sexuality squad plays most of their games later or Monday night. These teams look remarkably well-matched to me, with Maroney-Turner, Houshmandzadeh-Edwards, Welker-Jennings, and Bowe-Jackson all more or less washes. I'll definitely give Will the edge at tight end (anybody want to trade me a TE?), but I'd still take Favre over Schaub, leaving us with the Adrian Peterson-Steven Jackson matchup. I'm gonna give the advantage to Jackson, simply because he doesn't have a Chester Taylor around to take carries, so:

Egon Spengler by 4

Skinny White Guys vs. Sky Vault Centurions

Another year, another team by Andre whose name means nothing to me. Fortunately, I am familiar with the names of the players on his team, and in fact watched two of them (Clinton Portis and Brandon Jacobs) run all over the field on Thursday night. Unfortunately for Dre, none of those runs made it into the end zone. With the Gringos boasting perhaps the best receiving group in the league, Andre needed that running back advantage to put him ahead in this game. While Ryan Grant and Kevin Smith aren't striking fear into anyone's hearts, they're probably not much worse than the 21 points put up by Portis and Jacobs.

White Guys by 10

FUBAR vs. Manatee Eaters

This is a match-up between two teams whose causes I've championed in past Biffle seasons, so it's hard to know who to support, especially now that both teams actually look halfway decent. Spencer has a decided RB advantage, although unlike a lot of the experts, I don't see any reason to expect Frank Gore to be significantly better than he was last year. Chuck, on the other hand, has a very balanced offensive attack, with skill at the QB (Manning) and WR (Moss) positions, plus what could prove to be our first full-season two-TE set featuring Jeremy Shockey and Jason Witten. For that alone,

Eaters by 7

Cholish Chachfaces vs. Extremely Bitter

Matt Hasselbeck is pretty good, but Tony Romo is very good. Marshawn Lynch is very good, but so is Maurice Jones-Drew. Marion Barber is a beast, but Brian Westbrook is the entire Eagles' offense. Reggie Wayne is awesome, but Terrell Owens is (I shudder to say it) Hall of Fame good. See where this is going? These teams both look pretty good to me, but cumulatively, Dekker's is dominant.

Bitter by 10

Like last year, I'll be keeping track of my overall record. If you'd like to compete with me, post your predictions in the Comments section. I will destroy you.

NBD - Week 1 Preview

Bold predictions are less bold when there's already one game in the books, but that won't stop me from being bravely wrong about fantasy outcomes week in and week out. Here are your predictions for the first games of the NBD '08 season.

I Drink Your Milkshake! vs. CH Croakies

12 points is about all you can expect out of a guy who didn't score a touchdown (Brandon Jacobs), but I was hoping for about 3 touchdowns out of that position this week, so Daniel Plainview's boys could be in trouble. Ryan Grant is taking on a stout Minny run defense, whereas Elliott's boys are taking on such notable defensive opponents as San Francisco, New Orleans, and Atlanta. Season-long, I give the advantage to the present administration, but this week belongs to the ex-Commish.

Croakies by 7

Chestpubes & Ballfro vs. Mephistopheles

Once again this year, Mephistopheles has stocked up on older, consistent talent (Marvin Harrison, Larry Johnson, Laveranues Coles) but with little knockout potential. Colly, on the other hand, has several guys with blowup potential (Tony Romo, LaDainian Tomlinson, even - who knows? - Darren McFadden). I expect at least one of these guys will make a statement in week 1, plus Ray's Chris Cooley's already got that hideous 0.7 in ink next to his name.

Chestpubes by 11

The Leadfarmers vs. Woody's Warriors

I saw Tropic Thunder last weekend, and Derek's team name is a lot funnier than I thought. That might influence me enough to pick the Leadfarmers in what I expect to be a close battle. The Manning-Burress combo already had a solid, if not exceptional night, and Randy Moss should be walking all over Kansas City Sunday afternoon. Woody, on the other hand, boasts Brian Westbrook, who'll be touching the ball on roughly 98% of Philly's positions this week with nary a healthy, skilled receiver on the Eagles' roster. I'm also extremely curious to see how it works out starting both Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor; for some reason I think it'll work out well.

Leadfarmers by 2

Zorn Country vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs

If Thursday night and the history of starting rookie quarterbacks are any indication, these teams may be named after two of the biggest losers in the NFL this season. The teams themselves don't look much better to me. With nothing much better-than-average at QB, WR, or TE, Haller will be relying on Joseph Addai and Clinton Portis all season, and one of those guys has already had a pretty underwhelming week 1 performance (Jesus, the Skins need line help). Koehler may be sweating the still-unclear status of Tom Brady's foot, but even if they amputate it I suspect Tom Terrific will have no problem picking apart Kansas City this week. And Thomas Jones (unlike his alma mater, who is just barely beating Richmond as of this writing) should have one of his better games this season against a Miami team that is now Jason Taylor- and Zach Thomas-less, and will have to worry about Brett Favre.

Matt Ryan by 5

Wyld Stallyns vs. Burke City Giants

This looks like an incredibly tight matchup to me, and there are a lot of guys playing on the same teams or against each other on either side, and it makes my head explode when I try to figure out how they cancel each other out. For example, Dallas-Cleveland could be shootout between two effective offenses, which will help Michael's Derek Anderson, but he'll be throwing passes to DeYoung's Braylon Edwards. Then again, Anderson can score points without Edwards, whereas Edwards can't score points without Anderson. Then again again, the Cowboys will probably be throwing the ball too, giving some strength to DeYoung's Jason Witten. Ultimately, I'm giving the edge to the best player in this game (Stephen Jackson) and the fact that the Stallyns got more points out of Santana Moss than I would have expected.

Stallyns by 3

Ooslay Oopypay vs. Tri Steeg Area

Yahoo's predictions have this game settled by less than a point, but when I go through the match-up position-by-position, the Tri Steeg Area side of the board looks better in almost every category (at least in their matchups/situations this week). Somehow, Yahoo has also projected Benjamin Watson to score -.2 points this week, which could only happen to a guy on Papkin's team.

Tri Steeg Area by 9

I'll be keeping track of my record throughout the season. If anyone wants to compete against me, drop your predictions in the Comments section and it'll be on like Donkey Kong.

BIFL - Draft Recap

Well, it's been over a week since 2008's Biffle draft, and though only one actual NFL game has been played in that time, I feel that the valuable insights gained from the Redskins unsightly performance against the Giants have given me enough perspective to reflect and comment on the draft. That is to say, I've now got the perspective of a man who's watched his team start the season looking utterly atrocious, and am now full of bitter rage and hatred. That means angry NOTES, just the way you like 'em.
The 1st Round, of course, featured the return of some big names to the draft pool, and they were appropriately snapped up quickly. Tomlinson, Brady and Manning (drafted by Dick, Souts, and Chuck, respectively) have been the three most reliable names in fantasy for several years now, and they were the first three names off the board. The most interesting of these picks is McNutt's decision to take Manning, considering that he could have kept Brady in this spot instead. It will be interesting to see how the difference between Brady and Manning's performances compares to Jason Witten's performance as compared to other tight ends (Chuck used his keeper spot on Witten in the 9th rather than Brady in the 1st).
The other interesting pick of this round was Justin's selection of Darren McFadden, executed by yours truly. I did not make this decision randomly, as Juse's draft strategy had specified that he wanted McFadden in the first, but it did not take into account his subsequent e-mail telling me that he was second-guessing his decision and thought maybe he should take somebody more reliable like Willis McGahee instead. Having been too lazy to respond to this e-mail, I went ahead and grabbed McFadden, but felt a little better about it when I was able to draft McGahee for Rousseau in the...
2nd Round. This round was otherwise fairly unremarkable other than Souts' decision to grab Chad Johnson with the penultimate pick of the second. At the time, the effect of Chad's torn labrum was very much up in the air, but this didn't seem to matter much to Soutendijk, probably because he was completely unaware of it. In the week-and-a-half since, the outlook on the injury has brightened a bit, as Johnson has announced he'll be playing through the injury rather than having surgery or rehab or something, but the extent to which it'll affect his play remains to be seen. For the record, I won't be referring to this guy as "Chad Ocho Cinco," despite his legal name change and the fact that his name actually appears that way on Souts' roster, which is kind of funny. But wouldn't this whole stunt have been a lot funnier if he had done it, like, a year ago? Before he tried to play a game with "Ocho Cinco" on his jersey? Or before I became annoyed that it wasn't the more-correct "Ochenta y Cinco?"
Anyways, that round and the 3rd Round ended/began with a pair of questionable picks by Dick, who took suspended receiver Steve Smith followed by Carson Palmer. I don't like Palmer at all for some reason this year, though I guess it made sense to take a quarterback after locking up a top RB and WR. Having just taken a guy who'll miss the first two games, however, I probably would have gone for a second back or another receiver here, so that I didn't end up starting Shaun McDonald in week 1 in my flex spot. The Palmer pick is doubly questionable for the fact that Drew Brees was still available, who I (and most of the "experts") figure to have a much better season than Carson.
I also am entirely unpsyched about 3rd-round selections Roy Williams (Andre) and Antonio Gates (Billy via Bardey). Williams will be playing in a post-Martz offense, meaning a likely downturn in the passing game, and faces competition with an up-and-coming, more physically gifted #2 (Calvin Johnson). Gates has still not proven that he's over his toe issues from last season, and is no longer the only class of the tight end field, lowering his relative value even if he does regain the form of 2006. Of course, this pick was made more out of a sense of tradition (Billy always has Gates) than any actual fantasy logic, so I can't nitpick it too much (in fact, if memory serves me correctly I'm pretty sure I enthusiastically supported its execution at the time).
In the 4th Round I puked in my mouth a little bit when Chalski selected Selvin Young, followed a few picks later by Chuck's Ronnie Brown pick. I'm getting the sense more and more (bolstered by Ricky Williams' contract extension) that Ronnie Brown might actually have died sometime back in April, but he did have a very promising start to last season, and I can understand Chuck's desire to grab as many maybe-good running backs as possible considering that his first round and keeper selections were QB, WR, and TE. The Selvin Young pick, on the other hand, surprised me simply because Marcus already had two great ballcarriers under contract (Lynch and Barber) and could have used some help at the receiver and quarterback positions. Plus I'm pretty sure Young would have still been available one or even two rounds later, when Chalski took human toothpick Bernard Berrian, one of the worst WR2s I've ever seen.
Woof. I gotta speed this up if I'm gonna finish sometime today.
In the 5th Round, I take note of how far the once-mighty Marvin Harrison has fallen, as I took him at the top of the round, and honestly would have rather had Chris Chambers (taken by Dekker 8 picks later) if I had realized he was still available. My self-loathing extends to Rousseau's (which is to say my) Derek Anderson pick and Bardois' Matt Forte selection. I took both these guys in other drafts, and instantly felt a deep and ugly shame about those picks.
In the 6th Round, Will took Dallas Clark, who is a fuckstick that I hate and should probably die, but this video, made in response to Clark's complaints about getting bitched in a Madden commercial, has always made me laugh:

The 6th also saw the traditional rookie running back run, as Rashard Mendenhall (Dekker), Jonathan Stewart (Andre) and Felix Jones (Spencer) came off the board. Ahh, I remember fondly the rookie running back runs of yesteryear. You know what I don't remember, though? The names of any of those guys, as they mostly amount to shit.
The 6th and 7th Rounds also featured a surprisingly high number of keepers, and that trend might continue next year as I see a lot of value in the 7th, including Chris Johnson (Sovic), Jeremy Shockey (Chuck), and Ricky Williams (Dekker).
The 8th Round consisted mostly of suckers, whereas the 9th Round saw many lame-o's come off the board. This represents a sharp contrast from last year, when most of our owners took their lame-o's well ahead of their suckers. As noted by Tristan Cockcroft and Christopher Harris, there just seems to be a lot of depth at the position this year, leading many to wait on their lame-o picks.
The 10th Round was notable for the first selection of a guy I'd never heard of, Ben Obamanu (Andre). Despite literally dozens of hours of fantasy research, I've never heard of this guy before. I'm also fairly certain I'll never hear of him again.
The 11th Round saw the first IDP selected (Souts' Patrick Willis), which is probably a good indication that I can stop blogging the draft. There were 6 more rounds after this, and the only thing I care to note about them is the falls from grace for Marc Bulger (Bardey-11), Kevin Jones (Chalski-12), and Jon Kitna (Dekker-13), all of whom were top 5-round picks within the last few years. If any can recapture former glory, they'll be huge values this late in the draft. More likely, though, they're all on their way out of fantasy relevance. The best pick I see in these late rounds is Soutendijk's selection of Chris Perry in the 14th, who will be starting this week for the Bengals. Kenny Watson is certainly in the picture, but with Rudi Johnson cut after the draft, this certainly looks like a great late pick-up and a potential keeper value for several years to come.
So that about wraps it up for the draft recap. Teams I don't hate this season include Extremely Bitter (Romo/Westbrook/Owens is a great big 3, although it is full of hated NFL East rivals, so Dekker may actually have reason to be Extremely Bitter if he has a good team); Alligator Fuckhouse (if CJ stays alive and Thomas Jones & Jamal Lewis can squeeze one more year out of their aging bodies); and Cholish Chachfaces (Barber-Lynch and Wayne-Holt could be two great combos). Congratulations, fuckos. My endorsement is usually the kiss of death. Just ask Spencer about last year.
Season starts for real tomorrow (I'm choosing to ignore Thursday night's game). I hope all your players die and/or contract gonorrhea. Enjoy that.

Fantasy & Politics - Obsessions Collide

This made me laugh, from the fine people at The Morning News:

The Fierce Urgency of Pre-Season Rankings