BIFL - Week 9 Review B

Yikes. I just realized that not only have I not finished Week 9 re-caps, but thanks to the magic of Thursday night football, Week 10 games have already started. I better pound these out:


Merriman's Bitch Chokers (83) defeat FUBAR (67)
The lucky streak continued in Week 9 for Shoaf, who hasn't had an opponent reach triple-digits since the first week of the season. This week's version of World War II French "resistance" was Spencer, who posted a sub-75-point score for the sixth time this season. This really is a bad team. You know how I know FUBAR sucks? Because Julius Jones (16) was their second-highest scorer. He was also only one of two Fubarristas in double figures, behind the utterly wasted Drew Brees (19). We're getting deep into the season, and I have less and less to say about this team every week. Sorry your dudes suck so bad, Spence, but that's what you get for drafting TJ Houshmandzadeh and LenDale White in the first four rounds. Let's be honest here, though: the Bitch Chokers were nothing to get psyched about this weekend either, although they did manage to have almost twice as many players reach the teens (and by "almost twice as many," i mean three). Peyton Manning (16), Miles Austin (13), and John Carney (13) really blew Spence away with their thoroughly average performances. Good game, guys...



Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (112) defeats Charm City Murder (104)
Goodness, me! This was an unexpected scoring barrage from two of the sleepiest teams in the league, thanks largely to the re-appearance of the 2008 Arizona Cardinals offense! Although they effectively cancelled each other out, the Iron Chef's Kurt Warner (30) and Charm City's Larry Fitzgerald (26) each led their team to higher-than-average scoring outputs here in Week 9. Beyond that, Dick carried the day thanks to a number of strong showings. For four straight weeks now, DeAngelo Williams (29) has been positively DeAngelo Williams-esque. After finishing last season as the top fantasy back, he has now crept into sixth this year and is rising fast, and yet nobody's talking about it. How does he keep sneaking under the radar? Shhhh, I have the secret: the Carolina Panthers are boring as fuck. Contributions to the Save-Dick-from-Swine-Flu Campaign were also made by Hines Ward (16), Dallas Fucking Clark (13), and the letter V (12). Meanwhile, over in Charm City (sounds like a Batman segue)... they've got themselves a quarterback! ...and little else. Tony Romo (18) continues to shine (sort of), and Steve Smith 2.0 (11) had his first solid week in a while, but the running backs on this team continue to suck. Traditionally, the run game is the strong suit of any Andre-led squad, but Brandon Jacobs (6) has been an immense disappointment this season, and attempts to catch lightning in a bottle with Shonn Greene and Ryan Moats (8) have proved futile.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (108) defeat Chip Lohmiller (107.5)
You hate to give too much credence to a mid-season win by half a point, but damn was this one sweet. Dekker will act like he made one casual, smack-talking comment back on Halloween weekend, and that the fury I unleashed on him last week was wholly undeserved, but you should have seen the swagger on this fucker as he talked about his fantasy squad. The mouth may have been saying "I got lucky when you let Reggie Wayne drop to me," but the facial expressions and body language were saying "You stupid fuck. You had a chance and you blew it, and now my team is an unstoppable fantasy force the likes of which ye and yer accursed kind will never know. Also, be sure to watch me on Glee, Wednesdays at 9 on Fox." Anyways, my team actually mostly sucked last week, but I had two monsters who pulled it out for me thanks to the loving praises I've sung of them before: Michael Turner (34) and Chris Johnson (29). Besides those guys, the only person helping me de-throne this self-anointed king was Neil Rackers (12). I also kept up my age-old tradition of starting the wrong quarterback (McNabb's 9 over Garrard's 18). Ultimately, though, it didn't matter. Because though he may be a Lohmilliner now, and though I may have passed over him back in the draft, Reggie Wayne still remembers his days hoisting the Rousseau Trophy as a part of the HotCocks' championship run, and came through for us this week by posting a mere four points, undoing the best efforts of Mike Sims-Walker (24), Maurice Jones-Drew (19), Ray Rice-Aroni (18), and Matt Schaub-Alobbadingdong (16)*.

*Little known fact: though he mostly goes by only his mother's name, Schaub's father is an aborigine.