BIFL - Week 9 Previews & Predictions

Virtually the entire Big Apple Delt crew is in Vegas this weekend, leaving me and Bev's dog to hold shit down here in NYC. They may be doing all the gambling, but we all know the real odds-making interest is here in the BIFL Previews & Predictions. Enjoy:
Cholish Chachfaces (5-3) vs. I'm Here for the Gangbang (3-5)
It's time for the annual Miyagi Dojo match-up between Chark and Muck. Historically, Chalski has dominated, having won in six of their eight meetings. I don't foresee that trend changing this week, either, as Chuck is apparently still counting on the demoted Steve Slaton, as well as a raft of players with questionable/probable status. Rivers-Jackson should manage the Giants secondary pretty well, and Ryan Grant stands to have a solid day against the miserable Bucs, driving the Chachfaces to their sixth win of the season and seventh ever over the Gangbangers.

Juse and the Argonauts (3-5) vs. Bardois Bourgeoisie (4-4)
It's never a good time when a swath is cut through your roster by the Rams, Bills and Raiders bye week, and yet that is the case for Juse, who finds himself without stud Steven Jackson. Bardey is not without his holes either, forced to start Matt Hasselback with Brett Favre taking the week off, but with Hasselbeck taking on the Lions, that shouldn't be such a big deal. Advantage: Bourgeoisie.

Pet Monkey (3-5) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (5-3)
If you've been reading your Lassard religiously this year, you know that I think that Pet Monkey is better than their 3-5 record and that Alligator Fuckhouse is worse than their 5-3. But are those records off enough that I actually think Monkey is the better team? Well, Souts is throwing in some interesting wrinkles this week thanks to byes. With Thomas Jones out, he's forced to play his only other two running backs, who happen to run for the same team - Rashard Mendenhall and Willie Parker. That inclines me to pick against him... but wait! The bye weeks also have him missing Sidney Rice and Jerricho Cotchery, leading to the feared two-Tight End set. I'm pretty sure that I've never purposefully picked against a double-TE line-up, and I'm not gonna start today. So even though it'll be an uphill battle, I'm going with the Fuckhouse.

Merriman's Bitch Chokers (6-2) vs. FUBAR (3-5)
If there was a week to take down the Bitch Chokers, you would assume it would be this one, when Adrian Peterson is off playing golf somewhere (and no doubt stiff-arming caddies and head-butting the beer-cart girl). But his opponent is the hapless FUBAR, whose lone stud, Drew Brees, is largely negated this week by taking on Peyton Manning. The remainder of the rosters are largely unimpressive, but in each individual comparison, you have to give the edge to Shoaf. Overall, should be a big win for Merriman.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (3-5) vs. Charm City Murder (3-5)
Two weeks ago Shonn Greene went off for 28 points. He was the hot waiver wire pick-up, and Dre managed to snatch him up. The next week? -1 points. Charm City will be hoping for more from their latest buzzy free agent pick-up, Ryan Moats, who is in the starting line-up this week. Personally, I don't see him doing much, and the same goes for the rest of the Murder roster. After a week in which Dick watched a tie turn into a loss, suffered through the swine flu, and got beat up on by the Bourgeoisie, this will be a welcome victory for the Iron Chef.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (4-4) vs. Chip Lohmiller (6-2)
Fuck. Every time I think the HotCocks are ready to get this season on track, something comes and derails us. This week it's no internal issue like bye weeks or injuries (although red letters do keep popping up unexpectedly on my roster), but our opponent: the juggernaut known as Lohmiller. I don't think my squad is bad, but I know we're not nearly as good as the Lohmiller powerhouse.

Last week: 3-3
Overall: 27-15

Good luck to everyone this week besides Dekker. Dekker, I really wanted to put Anquan Boldin in the line-up this week and let him prove you wrong and get you back for all the shit you talked last week. Turns out he's not playing at all this week. I'm fucked. You're still a shithead, though.