Some of you may remember last year's love letter to Michael Turner. When Michael and I first got together, he blew my mind. So sweet and kind. So reliable. Such a big, bulbous ass. The Burner was great, honestly... for a first love. But people grow and change, and though we're still friends (he scored me 16 points this week), sometimes you realize that you're looking for something else. Something a little more mature, a little more on the wild side, a little more... raw. I'm not even 30 yet! I'm gonna settle down a with 6-year veteran? No thanks. I've gotta live while I'm young, and I need a man that can satisfy me. I just didn't expect to find him so soon.
Grrr. Look at you, you big hunk of man. You may have run the 40 in 4.24 seconds, but you've been running through my mind all damn day. And you can hit all the holes or catch it out of the backfield? I think I'm in lust. You're all bad news for me, Chris. I know that you'll be there for me one week and gone the next, but I just don't care. Your lovin's just too good.
Ass-Ramming HotCocks (140) defeat Bardois Bourgeoisie (108)
Oh, Bardey. You poor, poor bastard. Anyone else with Andre Johnson (30 pts) this week probably won, or at least had a close match-up. But you... you were up against my boy Chris Johnson (53), which means you didn't stand a chance. By about 2:00 on Sunday afternoon, Bardey knew he was done, as CJ had already gone off and Marques Colston (21) had pulled in two first-half touchdowns. That really gave Bardey some time to appreciate the fact that he was starting Brett Favre (14), who is a complete piece of shit, and who couldn't even score as many points as my David Garrard (19). That's what you get for ganking DeMeco Ryans, you son of a bitch.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (95) defeats Pet Monkey (88)
I've never been excited about a Dick victory, but this game proved that history is not irrelevant! If you read my Historical Rivalries post or my Week 2 Previews & Predictions, you know that Billy and Dick are locked in a pattern wherein Billy wins one game and then Dick wins the next three (and if you didn't read the rivalries post, for god's sake please do; I spent a shitload of time on it). Billy won their face-off last year, so despite my best instincts, I picked Dick to continue the pattern and win this one. And so he did. Kurt Warner (17) was solid; DeAngelo Williams (14) contributed his usual; and the Poon-Pounders were led by...
Oh no.
Oh god no.
The man who proved me right, the man who defied all expectations to make my hours of work worthwhile, the man who took a seemingly dead game and turned it into not only a Monday Night Match-Up, but a Monday Night Come-From-Behind Win, was none other than...
Ol' Fuckhead himself, Dallas Clark. I should have known that a week in which I posted my highest score in years and featured a player who scored more points than I can ever remember anybody scoring would be ruined by this asshole. I may have started this post with a new love, but it ends with the same old hate. Fuck you, Dallas Clark. Fuck you very much.
2 comments:
2 weeks in...0-2 in bifl thanks to chris johnson and drew brees. 2-0 in uber thanks to chris johnson and drew brees. don't you just love fantasy football?
i also enjoyed how you didn't want to be remiss, and noted that deyoung outscored all but 3 other NBD teams in his trouncing by colly (incidentally a team drafted by yours truly - although much of the damage was done by his stellar keepers), but felt no remorse leaving out the fact that despite my big loss to you, i outscored every other team besides chalski. you're such a hater. (that's what i'm supposed to say on the internet, right?)
the skid stops at 2 this week when i tie the all-time longest win streak at 7.
If I met Dallas Clark after this last weeks performance, I would do dirty things to him with my mouth...you know, like say "good job shit bag." why, what were you thinking?
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