I bet you fuckers thought that with Stadler & Waldorf's untimely demise in Week 13, that Commandant Lassard would be done for the season. And certainly I was tempted to throw in the towel, having suffered a crushing end-of-season defeat that ripped a playoff berth from my grasp. And yet, nothing fuels the creative fires of Lassard like disappointment, desperation, anger, and hatred; and like hibernating bearcubs settling in for the long winter ahead, these emotions have nestled together in the cave of my belly these past two weeks, gaining warmth and strength. I may have stretched that metaphor a bit thin, but anyways here's some stuff about fantasy football:
The final week of the regular season was an exciting one, with nearly every game having some bearing on who made the playoffs and the seedings therein. Here's a look back at how your season died or survived...
Stadler & Waldorf 101.68, Pubers & the 'Fro 126.64
This was just a serious gunshot to the nuts. Even after going into Sunday down 66-0 thanks to the Thanksgiving games, I would have thought breaking the century mark would have put me in position to overcome Colly and ride into the playoffs. But the Pubers topped their previous season high by more than 31 points, giving me no chance to continue my magical comeback from an 0-4 start. And I have to say you bastards ought to thank him for it, since my team score for Week 14 would have been 108 points, enough to utterly destroy any of our playoff teams. The author of my demise? I should have known: Tony fucking Romo (26). I hope you can look yourself in the mirror knowing that you knocked me out of the playoffs on the shoulders of this pretty faggot, Cletus.
(note: he clearly can. I actually came home to him the other day looking at himself in the mirror and muttering quietly about Romo and how I "didn't deserve" to make the playoffs. It was pretty awkward. I pretended I was listening to my headphones and shuffled quickly to my room.)
CH Croakies 92.20, Tri Steeg Area 70.40
Well, this game had the biggest playoff ramifications of all the match-ups this week, as it was win-and-you're-in, lose-and-you're-out, but it turned out to be not much of a contest. I had foreseen big things from Manning's quarterback namesake, but Peyton only mustered up 3 points against the Browns, setting the tone for an utterly lame Tri Steeg outing (6 from Jonathan Stewart, 3 from Reggie Brown, 2 from Kellen Winslow). Elliott's big boys, Adrian Peterson and Larry Fitzgerald, on the other hand, played this game like they knew the consequences (each chipped in 19) and got great support from the unstoppable(?) Ravens combo of Joe Flacco (21) and Derrick Mason (15).
The Dutch Rudders 56.78, Mephistopheles 59.74
Has ever a game better epitomized the seasons of two teams? In a contest that has drawn allegations of tanking, Derek and Ray's teams turned in a pair of unconscionable performances, but the Rudders' was just a little unconscionabler. The Dutchmen essentially did nothing once the gravy had cooled, following up LenDale White and Marion Barber's combined 33 Turkey Day points with a mere 23 more scattered across the rest of their starters. This left the door open for a relatively dominant 60-point Sunday by Mephisto, led as ever by Drew Brees and Greg Jennings (17 each). With Jennings keepable (4th round) and some decent players finally available to him in the draft, Ray is licking his chops at the possibility of having a team reach single-digit standings next season.
?Donde esta Deeter? 87.78, Woody's Warriors 117.66
Many's the time that an NFL team has rested its players in the final weeks once it has secured its playoff spot, usually screwing some fantasy owner in the process. But never have I seen a fantasy team take the week off headed into the post-season, until Haller's boys did it in Week 13. It didn't cost them anything, as Haller still finished the season in 1st place, securing himself at least $150. And even if the Deeter squad had poured it on as they have throughout the season, they might have had a hard time beating Woody's surprising final game. Brian Westbrook (37) was largely responsible for this offensive outburst, but special teams also played a role as Woody's kicker Rob Bironas and the Baltimore Defense combined for 36.
Wyld Stallyns 90.26, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 85.10
Of course, I was joking about Haller resting his starters in Week 13: in fact, if DeYoung hadn't won this game, it would be Koehler laying claim to the sweet buck-fifty awaiting the regular season champ. But alas, 28 from Thomas Jones and 18 from Kurt Warner were not enough to stop the stammering horde of DeYoung's Stallyns. No one on the MRLD squad was really bad, but the usually-reliable Dwayne Bowe (3), TJ Houshmandzadeh (6) and Frank Gore (7) were all well below their season averages. The Stallyns had no real standouts, but consistent play across the board led them to pull even with Koehler and Haller in the final records. Jason Witten (18), Eddie Royal (14), Steven Jackson (11), Marques Colston (11), and Derrick Ward (11) all made solid contributions.
Lassard Blows Harris 102.08, Burke City Giants 85.98
Our final Week 13 match-up was another one with a huge impact on the playoff situation, and I should have known that my old nemesis Michael Toobin wouldn't be able to put enough together to beat Papkin and get me into the playoffs. Nice job benching Steve Slaton for that one, Mr. T, I'm sure his 30 points wouldn't have helped at all. And starting Kerry Collins (4)? Dynamite move. I mean, he'd had like 2 good weeks this season when the Titans couldn't get the running game going, and the Lions have been shutting down running backs all season, right? Ugh, and so I have to deal with the indignity of getting shut out of the post-season while Papkin lives another week, despite the fact that I had sworn off mocking Papkin in the hopes that that would somehow lift the curse on my team. Well, that didn't fucking work. And now I've wasted like 8 weeks where I could have been pointing out what a dumbass Papkin is. Let's vote these two out of the league.
And thus ended the 2008 Native Burke Dwellers regular season. The final standings:
(Team / Owner / Record / Points)
Nana's in a Mu'u Mu'u / M.Haller / 8-5 / 1241
Matt Ryan Loves Dogs / J.Koehler / 8-5 / 1186
Burke City Giants / M.Toobin / 8-5 / 1171
Wyld Stallyns / J.DeYoung / 8-5 / 1073
CH Croakies / E.Toobin / 7-6 / 1141
Lassard Blows Harris / S.Papkin / 7-6 / 1123
Stadler & Waldorf / M.Tarasovic / 6-7 / 1179
Woody's Warriors / E.Sherwood / 6-7 / 1143
Tri Steeg Area / K.Manning / 6-7 / 1139
Pubers and the 'Fro / J.Colly / 6-7 / 1114
Mephistopheles / R.Tarasovic / 5-8 / 1056
The Dutch Rudders / D.Haller / 3-10 / 1042
Amazingly, in another year of unprecedented parity under the Lassard regime, four teams finished with the top record in the league (8-5), and 10 of 12 teams were within two games of that in the final standings. Thank god we're scrapping this keeper system and starting over, huh?
In my final week of predictions I went 2-4, but even with that I finished the season 49-29, good for a 63% success rate. With that kind of skill at predicting fantasy performance, you would think I could draft a team at some point that would make the playoffs. Speaking of the playoffs, we're already a week in! I decided not to make predictions on how the postseason would play out, but I will provide re-caps this week and in two more weeks when it's all said and done.
Round 1 saw some seriously lame performances out of supposedly good teams:
CH Croakies 66.86, Wyld Stallyns 62.10
As the lowest-scoring team to make the playoffs (and, in fact, the 3rd-lowest-scoring team in the league), perhaps we should have foreseen this pitiful performance from DeYoung's boys. But what we could not have foreseen was that his measly 62 points would have kept him within spitting distance of the second round. I'm not even sure what passes for the "highlights" of this contest. Elliott had more out-and-out stinkers (3 for Amani Toomer, 2 for Ted Ginn, 1 for Jamal Lewis), but he also at least got three guys to double-digits (Larry Fitz - 13, Ben Roethlisberger & Adrian Peterson - 12), whereas only Aaron Rodgers (19) registered a mentionable point total for the Stallyns. With the new keeper rules taking effect next year, DeYoung can finally wave goodbye to Steven Jackson (9) who has been causing him anxiety for years now. He can also wave goodbye to this season, 'cause he's done.
Lassard Blows Harris 68.72, Burke City Giants 82.60
In an immediate re-match of their Week 13 bout, Michael Toobin managed to reverse fortunes pretty quickly, though not without leaving another 30-point performance on the bench (this time it was DeAngelo Williams). In fact, with Matt Schaub and Wes Welker also riding the pine, the Giants' B-team would have pretty handily defeated Papkin's starters. That didn't stop Papkin from complaining to me today about the loss, though, decrying his decision to bench Vincent Jackson and claiming that "the fact that zona scores two defensive touchdowns in the last 5 minutes is a joke." In the sense that life is a cruel, cruel joke beyond your comprehension being played on you: it sure is, Sam.
That brings us to the semi-finals, where Elliott's CH Croakies will take on Matt's Nana's in a Mu'u Mu'u, and Michael's Burke City Giants face Justin's Matt Ryan Loves Dogs. Good luck to all; see you in a few weeks when the NBDBowl's been decided.
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