Here we are at Thanksgiving weekend, which coincides with the final weekend of the fantasy regular season. It seems like just yesterday that I was posting my draft review, and already we're at the doorstep of the playoffs. With almost the entire season behind us, and in the spirit of this holiday weekend, I thought I'd take a look back and see what the highlights were for each team. Even if you're team was atrocious this season, even if you've been out of the playoff picture for weeks, even if your last win was on September 22nd, there's always something about your fantasy team to be thankful for.
So let's peer around the cornucopia-and-gourd centerpiece and hear what each team is thankful for this Thanksgiving:
The Dutch Rudders are thankful for...
Plaxico Burress. As a man who has owned many shitty fantasy teams in my day, and rooted for many shitty sports teams, I can tell you that sometimes the silver lining to that cloud can be a player or players who are just comically bad. Like not just losing, but losing in hilarious fashion. On the last-place Dutch Rudder team, that honor belongs to Plaxico Burress. Plax's season has been a comedy of errors, with a strong start (29 points in his first two games) followed by poor performances, constant injuries, team suspensions, and now, just yesterday, the revelation that he got shot in the thigh in a club. And you know who shot him? Not some rabid Philly fan. Not some playa-hater. Not the disgruntled boyfriend of a man Plax had cuckolded. Nope. Plaxico Burress managed to shoot himself. You just can't make that up. Maybe he figured his hamstring was bothering him so much that the best idea might be to shoot it off. Maybe if Derek's 3-9 record is giving him a headache, he can take a similar approach.
Mephistopheles is thankful for...
Week 12. There is nothing lamer than a guarantee that goes unfulfilled. The thing about sports guarantees is that there's no repercussions, really. Such luminaries as Chris Webber, Chad Johnson, and Kobe Bryant have all made guarantees that they weren't able to follow through on, and they weren't fined by their leagues, made to give money back to the fans, or retire from the WWE. But they all looked like suckers. So when Ray confidently announced in the Week 10 Review comments 'i will spoil someone's finish,' he was setting himself up to look like a fool, especially when his 3-7 record to that point gave him no reason to be optimistic. But in Week 12, his players decided that they had his back. With big days out of Drew Brees, Greg Jennings, and Warrick Dunn, the Devil's Rejects had their second-highest scoring day of the year and pretty much knocked the defending champions out of the playoff picture. Well-spoiled, Mephisto.
Pubers and the 'Fro are thankful for...
rookie running backs. Having won the league two years in a row, Colly can't be too disappointed in having a down season (though I should note that his threepeat dreams are not completely mathematically dead yet). But with the experience of those two championships under his belt, he probably also won't be content to be an also-ran for long. To that end, Colly spent his draft assembling a team for the future, grabbing not one or two but three rookie running backs: Chris Johnson, Darren McFadden, and Felix Jones. McFadden and Jones have spent most of this season in the trainer's room, but when they have appeared they've shown flashes of what could be future brilliance. Chris Johnson, on the other hand, has been a solid contributor all season long, and should only get better as the years go by and LenDale White gets phased out of Tennessee's system. We may see any or all of these guys on a scary P&B roster next year, one that will once again threaten for a title.
Woody's Warriors are thankful for...
the waiver wire. Having drafted Brian Westbrook and Carson Palmer, both of whom suffered serious injuries during the course of the season, no one has been more reliant on the waiver wire than Woody. Normally, that's not necessarily a good thing, and certainly the Warriors' losing record reflects the damage done by those losses, but Sherwood has actually done a pretty good job with his waiver-wire pick-ups, despite the fact that he is Chinese and not in any way Hawaiian. Going into Week 4, after Westbrook first went down, Woody picked up Correll Buckhalter, who went on to have weeks of 15 (week 4), 24 (w6) and 17 (w7). Going into Week 5, he grabbed Kyle Orton, who chipped in 22 and 15 in the next two weeks. And more recently, he added Tennessee kicker Rob Bironas. Say what you will about kickers being unimportant, but Bironas has put up weeks of 11 (w8), 13 (w9), and just a few days ago, a monster day of 17. I'll take that from my kicker any day. In all, the Warriors have gotten 351 points this season from players acquired after the draft, highest in the league in that category.
Lassard Blows Harris is thankful for...
equal or superior teams. I just spent way more time analyzing Papkin's schedule than I cared to, and at this rate I won't be done with this posting (in which I plan to include not only these 'thankful' bits but also a Week 12 review and Week 13 preview) until 3am, but I will share with you the fruits of my labor. There are always teams, in whatever sport, that are said to play down to their opponents (this year's Skins could be called guilty of this). Papkin, on the other hand, seems to play up to his opponents. When taking on opponents this season who've had the same or better record, LBH is 5-2. That's pretty good, and it includes wins over Matt Haller, Michael Toobin, and Jon DeYoung, all of whom are amongst the league leaders. So why isn't Papkin there as well? Well, maybe it's because against teams with a worse record than his, he's 1-3 this season. That includes losses to our two bottom-dwellers, Ray Tarasovic and Eric Sherwood. If this trend continues, Sam should be especially thankful that he's taking on the higher-ranked Burke City Giants this week, and if a victory there gets him into the playoffs, he'll presumably have better and better teams to play each week.
Chapel Hill Croakies are thankful for...
Monday Night Football. Win or lose, there's nothing better than having your game come down to a Monday-night match-up. The NFL/ESPN muckety-mucks don't always do the best job of scheduling good games for MNF, but any game is fascinating when it's the only one on and your fantasy fate depends upon it. And no one in the league has had more games come down to Monday night match-ups than Elliott. Two of those face-offs, his Week 1 victory over Stadler & Waldorf and his Week 8 loss to the Burke City Giants, were decided by less than a point. It doesn't get any better than that.
Tri Steeg Area is thankful for...
Defenses. Did you know that Kex leads the league in points from Defenses this year, averaging 11 points per game? Did you know that he's changed his Defense 7 times, going Seattle->NYGiants->Tampa Bay->Washington->Tampa Bay->Arizona->Tampa Bay->Oakland? And did you know that he's 5-1 this season when his defense scores 9 or more points, and 1-5 when his defense scores 8 or less? In his ultra-important match-up with the Croakies this week, he'll be extra-thankful if the Oakland D can get into double digits against Kansas City.
Stadler & Waldorf are thankful for...
the second half of the season. After my 0-4 start, I had pretty much given up on my team as a group of laughable losers. But since then. I found a couple key fill-ins (Matt Ryan, Le'Ron McClain) and the guy's who'd been letting me down (Andre Johnson, Ryan Grant) had been picking me up. Over the last 8 games, Stadler & Waldorf are 6-2, which is as good as any other team over that stretch. We still may not make the playoffs (Colly is seeing to that thanks to a huge Thanksgiving), but for the first time in years my NBD squad is alive on the last weekend of the season, and I actually have a legitimate rookie keeper (Matt Forte) heading into next season.
Wyld Stallyns are thankful for...
Luck. As you go down the league standings, there's a pretty strong correlation between points scored and record. Up at the top, ?Donde esta Deeter? has scored 169 more points than his brother at the bottom, the Dutch Rudders. That's a difference of 14 points a week, which seems significant explain the difference between an 8-4 team and a 3-9 team. What's harder to explain is that the Dutch Rudders are not the lowest-scoring team in the league. That honor belongs to the Stallyns, who despite their mere 82 ppg average, have run up a record of 7-5 and a nearly guaranteed spot in the playoffs. How is this possible? Well, from Weeks 6-11, no opponent scored more than 80 points against DeYoung, and only two of those even scored more than 70. With Steven Jackson returning today, the Stallyns should finally be back to full strength, meaning that while luck carried them through the regular season, they might be ready for talent to carry them through the playoffs.
Burke City Giants are thankful for...
the run game. The Giants this year have been rock-solid on the basis of their rushing game, featuring Michael Turner, Marshawn Lynch, and DeAngelo Williams. Those guys are number 3, 7, and 15 on the NFL leading rushing yards list this season, and that's reflected in the fact that the BC Giants lead the NBD in rushing this season. Turner has been a bit of a roller-coaster, Lynch has had a hard time finding the end zone, and Williams didn't come on until later in the season, but combined they've always picked one another up and led the Giants to a playoff berth.
Matt Ryan Loves Dogs is thankful for...
consistency. Generally, a fantasy team will suffer through a week or two each season where, simply by random coincidence, everyone on the team lays an egg, and a week or two where everyone steps up. Look over almost any of our team's histories and you'll see a 120-point win on the there somewhere and a 60-point loss. MRLD, on the other hand, owes their winning record to consistency. There 43-point variation over the course of the season is the lowest of any team in the league, and even the lowest of those (a 72-point performance in week 7) produced a blowout victory thanks to the historic ineptitude of Mephistopheles that week.
?Donde esta Deeter? is thankful for...
Clinton Portis. In general, I've steered away from naming single players that people should be thankful for, but as an owner of Portis in another league, I can tell you that owning him this year has been utterly awesome. I don't know how Haller feels about it, but I have historically leaned away from drafting Redskins because I don't like to have my fantasy hopes and real-life hopes wrapped up in the same team/players, mainly because the bad days would be doubly depressing. But Portis hasn't really had any bad days this season, as he leads the league in rushing, and it's always fun watching him do it. Nothing makes me happier than when he grabs on to the back of his blocker's shirt and rides him down the field to a first down. I'm considering changing this league to a points-per-block scoring system just so that we can reward Portis more for how hard he plays on every down. CP, we love you, baby. and I'm guessing that the league-leading Deeter squad loves you most of all. (Sidenote: Haller, I'm thankful that you were able to use the appropriate Spanish punctuation and diacritical marks in your team name. I'm especially impressed that you remembered the acento over the 'o' in donde. Lots of folks forget that; you've made this maestro happy.)
Okay so now it's 11:30am on Sunday and I still have reviews and previews to write before the game starts. I'll be thankful for a burst of inspiration here. Let's dive in.
Week 12 Review:
Stadler & Waldorf 92.36, CH Croakies 64.74
You know who's been hooking me up lately? Tony G! Gonzo, who is apparently the favorite target of Tyler Thigpen, dropped 17 on E's head in Week 12, which was more than any of the Croakies went for. Instead, their top performers were Jason Campbell (15) and Adrian Peterson (14). Without much support beyond that, including a negative score for the Green Bay D, this game was a walk in the park for Matt Forte (25), Andre Johnson (12) and the rest of the S&W crew, giving them their fourth straight win.
Pubers & the 'Fro 85.34, Mephistopheles 107.42
I've already mentioned how important this victory was, for morale purposes, to Mephistopheles up in the 'thankful' section, so I won't get too into that here. I will note that the 29 points out of Mephisto's running backs are his highest combo since Week 3 from that positions, further underscoring the importance of Drew Brees to this team. On the other side of the field, Colly will be happy to see Tony Romo (23) back to his old self, though it may be too little, too late as far as the Pubers playoff hopes are concerned.
The Dutch Rudders 78.96, Woody's Warriors 81.90
Whoo! This was a tight one between two of the league's cellar-dwellers. Some huge days were had here, with the Rudders' Randy Moss (31) lighting it up 2007-style, and the Warriors' Balti Defense (26) lighting it up 2000-style. That 5-point difference between top scorers might have won Derek the game, if he hadn't gotten a -.1 point day out of LenDale White, consigning him to another week of defeat. Woody didn't bring much to the table besides that Defensive bonanza, but in a low-scoring game like this, 13 from Calvin Johnson, 12 from MJD, and 10 from Jeff Garcia are enough to get it done.
?Donde esta Deeter? 116.36, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 85.04
Both these teams are already in the playoffs, and will likely both get byes in the first round, but Deeter made a definitive statement in Week 12 that his is the team to beat. MRLD was cruising with 5 consecutive wins coming into this match-up, but came up against a brick wall of scoring in trying to grab his sixth. Early in the season I was ascribing Haller's success to the Cutler-Marshall combo, but it was everyone except those guys that came to play this week. The Chicago D (20), Rian Lindell (18), Steve Smith (17), Clinton Portis (16) and Peyton Hillis (16-dammit that's another waiver-wire star we let fall to Haller) all contributed to establishing ?DED? as the team to beat in NBD.
Wyld Stallyns 79.52, Burke City Giants 94.12
This was another important match-up to determine pecking order at the top of the league, and this victory guaranteed a playoff spot for Michael Toobin and put DeYoung at risk to get tossed. Once again, the Giants were led by their running backs, with DeAngelo Williams and Marshawn Lynch combining for 36 points. Lance Moore (23) also proved once again that he is top dog in the Saints' receiving game, which must have been frustrating for DeYoung, who watched his Marques Colston come away with a respectable, but notably lesser, 13-point outing. Ultimately, though, when 4 of your players (Julius Jones, Jason Witten, Eddie Royal, and the Miami D) combine for less than 7 points, you're not going to win many games.
Lassard Blows Harris 58.26, Tri Steeg Area 96.30
[Oh my god Deacon Jones is crazy.] Thanks to Thursday games and my lateness in writing these Notes, we're already a game removed from Donovan McNabb's atrocious Week 12 performance, but let's not forget that he got benched for Kevin Kolb, taking .9 points away from the LBH total. Then again, even if he'd posted this week's 29, that wouldn't have put Papkin in contention against a Tri Steeg team that got 50 points out of Terrell Owens and the Tampa Bay Defense. Peyton Manning (17) also provided strong support in a game kept Manning alive in the playoff hunt.
12:12am. Let's knock out some predictions (that, thanks to the Thursday games, will be well-informed).
Week 13 Preview:
Stadler & Waldorf (6-6) vs. Pubers & the 'Fro (5-7)
Oh no. After all this late-season comebacking, my team is already down 66-0 heading into Sunday, and potentially getting shut out of the post-season. I don't even have any good match-ups to look forward to, and success from my QB, Matt Ryan, will likely be negated by the guy he passes to, Roddy White, on the other team. The magical run may be over for Stadler & Waldorf, but it's been quite a ride.
Pubers by 10
CH Croakies (6-6) vs. Tri Steeg Area (6-6)
I'm pretty sure that the winner of this game will definitely be in the playoffs, and the loser will definitely be out. It doesn't get any simpler than that. The Croakies' Larry Fitz and Tri Steeg's TO have already had solid starts, but a meager 3-point showing from Elliott's Kevin Smith has gotta hurt. With so many players on the same teams or in the same games on either side of this match-up, it's gonna be difficult to call, but I like Peyton Manning going against Cleveland to lead the way for Kex.
Tri Steeg by 7
The Dutch Rudders (3-9) vs. Mephistopheles (4-8)
Don't underestimate the importance of the clash between these two losers. A 12-point victory for Derek would relegate the Chief to a second straight year of a last-place finish, a fate he's eager to avoid. Derek is off to a good start, with an outstanding Thanksgiving from LenDale White and a decent performance from Marion Barber before he had to leave the game. Then again, Ray's squad has Denver, New Orleans, and St. Louis on the opponents list, meaning they've probably got some big games left to come. In the end, I see the Rudders carrying the day, but Mephisto maintaining his penultimate spot.
Rudders by 5
?Donde esta Deeter? (8-4) vs. Woody's Warriors (5-7)
On Wednesday, I surely would have picked Haller to win this Wolfpack match-up. But that was Wednesday. On Thursday, Brian Westbrook exploded. And so did Rob Bironas. I can't just ignore that.
Warriors by 9
Wyld Stallyns (7-5) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (8-4)
I see big things for Steven Jackson coming back fresh against tired defenses over the next few weeks. But not this week, where he'll still be getting his legs back. And MRLD's Thomas Jones vs. Denver and Dwayne Bowe vs. Oakland look like very strong plays to me.
MRLD by 8
Lassard Blows Harris (6-6) vs. Burke City Giants (8-4)
I really, really, really need Michael Toobin to win this game so that Papkin doesn't pass me in the standings. And my predictions record is way over .500. So I'm gonna hope I can combine those two things and make a hopeful prediction a reality, even though I don't really see it happening.
Giants by 3
Last week: 5-1
Overall: 47-25
Good luck to everyone this weekend. And to those of us whose seasons are ending this weekend, I hope you've at least had a season to be thankful for.
11.29.2008
11.28.2008
BIFL - Thanksgiving Spectacular
It's Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, and I've been sitting at home all day waiting for my new cell phone, whose delivery has already failed twice, to arrive. I'm not leaving the house until it's here. Starting to get a little crazy. I've eaten an entire box of Wheat Thins and drank half a jug of apple cider. I've played a stint of Rock Band on drums, a stint on guitar, a stint on bass, and am wondering when I will reach the point of standing in the middle of my living room, singing into a microphone along with the videogame characters on the television. In short, I am bored stiff and stir crazy. So I've decided to devote the next few hours to the mother of all Lassard posts, a Thanksgiving spectacular.
Thanksgiving is perhaps the greatest of all holidays, for a number of reasons. First of all, there are the traditions associated with it: eating, drinking, football, and napping. Right there you've got four of the top six things I enjoy in life. Next is the fact that it's a secular holiday, which I think is a bigger deal than a lot of people give it credit for. I'm certainly not much of a Christian anymore, and Christmas has become just as much a national and commercial holiday as it is about the birth of Christ, but you can't really get through Christmas without having some awareness of the whole Nativity story and all that jazz that I just can't get into. And while the whole gift exchange thing is nice, it also comes loaded with a smattering of greed and pressure, neither of which are emotions I like to celebrate. Halloween is fun, but there isn't really much to it besides wearing a ridiculous costume and seeing women dressed up like whores. The Fourth of July is pretty awesome, and I am amazed every year at how amazed I still am by fireworks, but it doesn't have any kind of season around it, and sometimes it falls on like a Wednesday, so that you (and by you, I mean "not teachers") have to work the day before and after. That's horseshit. Putting any of the other holidays in the ring (Memorial Day? Labor Day? Fucking Valentine's Day?) is a joke.
Cheesy though it may be, I also really like the spirit of Thanksgiving. It seems like a lot of the problems I have with people result from them acting selfish, overly-entitled, and ungrateful (not exempting myself from those people, either), so if we can spend just one day a year where everyone is encouraged to look at what they have and actually take a moment to appreciate it, I'm all about it. Of course this leads to the inevitable dinner-table round of "This year I'm thankful for...", and even at the Thanksgiving I attended of jaded, ironic Brooklynites, we still managed to go through this routine with a minimum of sarcasm or snarkiness. Though it's obviously not as high as things like family, friends, health, a job I love, and a comfortable life, I am certainly thankful for fantasy football, providing me as it does with so much diversionary fun during the football season and opportunities to keep in touch with, and talk shit to, so many people. With that in mind, I decided to go through the league and give everyone, from the league-leading Egon Spengler (oh, am I in first place? I hadn't even noticed) to the league-trailing Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts, something to be thankful for. In fact, since he may be considering fantasy suicide at this point, let's start off with Juse:
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts are thankful for...
keepers. I just went back through the archives, and the last time I could find anything close to a franchise running back on a Rousseau roster was 2004, when he had Brian Westbrook and Clinton Portis (and went to the Biffle Bowl, I should note). This year his squad has been snake-bitten, suffering through a multitude of injuries, including his top two draft picks, running backs Darren McFadden and Willis McGahee. He traded for Steven Jackson mid-season, only to see him play just once, in limited fashion, since then. His wide receivers have been hobbled as well, losing Anquan Boldin for a chunk of the season thanks to a nasty sandwich hit by the Jets, and consistent problems - be they injury-related or team rule infraction-related - from Plaxico Burress. But next year! Next year Juse will have his pick of S-Jax and McFadden at RB; and Brandon Marshall, Burress, and Dwayne Bowe at wideout. And once Commissioner Bardey institutes the new lottery system, Juse will have a better shot at that number one draft spot than ever before, giving him another option besides Jackson/McFadden should he decide there's a better option on the market. Yes, Juse has endured a difficult 2008, but he can be thankful that the very things that were his weaknesses this year should be his strengths next year, and in fantasy, there is always next year.
[note: I'm watching the Heat-Suns game right now, and Dwyane Wade is going nutso]
Alligator Fuckhouse is thankful for...
Week 6. When your team is 4-8 through 12 games and out of the playoff picture, you can at least look back fondly on individual achievements, if not on team success. Week 6 saw the beginning of two individual successes for the Fuckhousers. It was in Week 6 that the roulette wheel of Tom Brady replacements landed on Atlanta rookie Matt Ryan, who would come to be the most consistent of Souts' QBs, averaging 15 points per game since then. More significantly, Week 6 marked the first week of post-bye week Thomas Jones. Jones is currently sixth among all fantasy RBs on the season, but considering that he had 7, 2, and 6 point outings in weeks 2, 3, and 4, I'm willing to guess that he's pretty much the top fantasy rusher since he got back from his week off, averaging 20 points per game over that span. That includes a 34-point performance in Week 10 that gave Souts the edge over former co-owner Billy; and if Souts needs more to be thankful for, beating the man who mentored him into the league has to be a silver lining to this season's cloud. Speaking of Billy...
Pet Monkey is thankful for...
Roddy White. Billy's 4th-round selection has played more like a 2nd-rounder, ranking 5th among wideouts in total fantasy scoring this season. As an owner of White in another league, I can tell you that owning him is a lot of fun, because when Roddy gets hot, he stays hot, as he did in weeks 3 (21 pts), 5 (21), 6 (19), and 8 (27) this season. Having ghost-drafted Larry Johnson, Willie Parker, and Antonio Gates (jeez) ahead of him this year, Billy is probably looking at his #1 keeper headed into 2009, and with Aaron Rodgers available to him in the 12th, the Pet Monkey QB/WR combo may be set for years to come.
[Billy is not thankful for... the fact that the Black Presidents are leading Dominique Moceanu 7-1 right now, especially after he talked shit earlier in the week. 6 threes by Granger tonight!]
Santonio's Blunts are thankful for...
rookie running backs. Heading into this season, Bardey made the decision to eschew his keepable running backs (I'm looking for things to be thankful for, so I'll decline to mention their names) in favor of his seemingly economical wideouts. Unfortunately, those keepers didn't pan out quite as he'd hoped, leaving him in a position to regret those lost RBs. But he shouldn't feel that regret too deeply, because he seems to have grabbed himself a few rookies who'll be able to help out for years to come. Matt Forte has been a Grade A fantasy stud right out the gate this season, ranking 5th among RBs and averaging 16 points per game. Kevin Smith hasn't been nearly as consistent, but he has been relatively solid, especially considering that he plays for the woeful Lions. Assuming he doesn't repeat past mistakes, Bardey will have some solid young guns not only this year, but on Thanksgiving 2009, 2010, 2011...
Cholish Chachfaces are thankful for...
Scheduling quirks. Thanks to our not-so-random scheduling system, Chalski gets to play Alligator Fuckhouse twice this year, including here in Week 13. Granted, the Chachfaces lost to the Fuckhousers in Week 1, but since then Souts' squad has proved to be the lowest-scoring group in the league, and Chalski is taking them on at a time when one last win might just squeeze him into the playoffs. The teams he's trying to catch - Manatee Eaters, Chip Lohmiller, and Sky Vault Centurions - are either playing each other or higher-ranked teams, meaning that if they lose and Chalski wins with enough points, he'll overtake them in the standings. His best chance comes if Dekker beats Chuck, and already Lohmiller's big NFC East threesome has posted some huge numbers in that match-up. You can't ask for much more than still being alive with three games already gone in the last week of the regular season.
Sky Vault Centurions are thankful for...
Tiki Barber and Ladell Betts. Why would Andre be thankful for a running back who retired two seasons ago and a little-used and currently-injured backup? Because it was the presence of Barber that allowed Dre to draft Brandon Jacobs in the 10th round a few years back, and the late-2006 emergence of Ladell Betts (and projected 2007 timeshare) that allowed Portis to fall to Dre in last year's 2nd round. Though both guys are walking wounded right now, they have been beasts for most of the season up til now. In fact, with Jay Cutler and Larry Fitzgerald also on the roster, it's kind of a wonder SVC aren't leading the league standings. Not surprisingly, though, they are leading the league in scoring.
Manatee Eaters are thankful for...
Flukey offensive schemes and multi-talented backs. As has been well-publicized on this blog, Chuck is still coasting on the fumes of early-season success, and having lost 5 of his last 6, faces possible elimination from the playoffs this week. Even if that happens, he'll always have that magical 6-game run to be thankful for, and it came largely on the shoulders of his dual-threat running backs, Reggie Bush and Steve Slaton. Both these guys are equally capable as receivers and rushers, and each took their turn carrying the Eaters in the early part of the season. Also contributing to Chuck's success was Ronnie Brown's Wildcat-based offensive proliferation; but much as the NFL has started to figure out the Wildcat, so has BIFL clearly figured out the Manatee.
Chip Lohmiller are thankful for...
Thanksgiving blowouts. Jesus. I know I've already mentioned it, and I'll have to again in the Preview section of the write-up (that's right, I'm doing Thankfuls, Reviews, and Previews in this post - I did title it "Spectacular," didn't I?), but Lohmiller's NFC Easters went the fuck off yesterday. With a playoff spot potentially on the line, Dekker's big three drew some seriously porous defenses for the holiday weekend, with the Cowboys and Eagles totalling 82 points to the Seahawks' and Cardinals' 29. With Romo and Westbrook apparently healthy again, and McNabb presumably motivated by last week's benching, Dekker could have a lot more to be thankful for as his team heats up for a possible deep run into the playoffs.
Jeff Stryker is not really gay is thankful for (that makes for an awkward sentence)...
lop-sided trades. Early in the season, it seemed that with a dearth of running backs (Ryan Grant was still sucking at that point and there was no guarantee that Matt Forte's success would last) and a surfeit of quarterbacks (Donovan McNabb, Kurt Warner, and Marc Bulger), Bardey should trade on those signal-callers away to acquire a solid rusher. Sending Kurt Warner to Shoaf for Earnest Graham made all kinds of sense. Since then? Not so much sense. Warner has turned into an MVP candidate and the second-best fantasy QB behind the incomparable Drew Brees. Meanhwile, Graham had a decent, if not fantastic season going until Week 7. Since then he's had 14 points. Kurt Warner's only had two weeks the entire season where he scored less than 14, and one of those was when he was still on Bardey's roster. I'd say that's a trade that Will can be thankful he made.
FUBAR is thankful for...
Drew Motherfucking Brees. So far, I've tried to avoid simply saying "[so-and-so] is thankful for... [name their best player]," but with this team I simply can't. Brees is averaging 21.5 points per game. He's gone over 25 five times already this season, with Detroit still on the schedule if FUBAR can make it into the championship game. Remember the love note I wrote to Michael Turner early in the season? Well, in comparison, Spencer must fall asleep at night actually humping a Drew Brees Fathead. I wonder if he makes Tess/Teresa (at some point before the wedding I feel like she made the switch, but I'm still not sure which I'm supposed to say) put on a Saints helmet and do the "Who dat?" chant before they do it. Fun fact: Brees accounts for over 22% of Spence's total scoring so far this season. Thanks, Drew!
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon is thankful for...
Lay-down opponents. Know how many teams have scored less than the Iron Chef this year? Two. Know where those teams reside in the standings? Last in the East and last in the West? Know where the Iron Chef resides? Top of the West. Know how many wins those other two teams have combined? Seven. Know how many wins the Iron Chef has? Seven. No one in the league has had less points scored against him than Bryan Dick, who averages an amazing 82 ppg against. And this fucker has the nerve to complain about a tie. Count your blessings, asshole.
Egon Spengler is thankful for...
So much. I'm thankful that Michael Turner turned out to be a stud. I'm thankful that of all the rookie running backs taken in the draft, mine (Chris Johnson) turned out to be one of the best. I'm thankful that that gave me the leeway to trade away Steven Jackson, right as he was heading into his injury, for Anquan Boldin, right as he was coming off of his. Speaking of which, boy am I thankful for Q! 16 points a week since his bye week! Awesome. I'm thankful for Wes Welker's consistency. I'm thankful for that Dick-Spencer tie that has me a half-game up on FUBAR right now. And I'm thankful for your continued readership of the blog. Thanks.
[update: I started putting this together like 8 hours ago, and in that cell phone delivery I was talking about at the start of the write-up never materialized. I waited all day for nothing, and potentially will have to do the same thing tomorrow. Not so thankful for DHL right now.]
Now that we've been around the table and each team has said their piece, let's carve into the turkey. Week 12 Review:
Chip Lohmiller 91.5, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 83
The return of the Romo-Owens connection is pretty much the beginning and end of this story, as they split 60 points between them, good for nearly 75% of Juse's total score. The Arrrrrghos have a connection of their own going these days, with Tyler Thigpen (19), Dwayn Bowe (11) and Tony Gonzalez (19) hooking up regularly over the past few weeks, but a team where Chiefs are the highest scorers is not a team that's going to win a lot of fantasy games, especially with contributors like Willis McGahee (0), Plaxico Burress (0), and Antonio Pittman (1). 16 points on the bench from Darren McFadden should be encouraging for Juse, though. And on the other bench, Anthony Gonzalez (15) may have earned himself a starting spot on Dekker's team now that the Colts are experiencing a resurgence.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 117, Manatee Eaters 85
The Iron Chef really did pound it this week, with guys all over the roster contributing to this lambasting of the Manatee Eaters. Eli Manning and DeAngelo Williams (21 each) were the top ICPP scorers, but Steve Smith (18), Laveranues Coles (14), and LaDainian Tomlinson (11) all chipped in to help overcome a 2007-esque day by the Eaters' Randy Moss 32. It's a good thing that Chuck isn't going to make it into the playoffs, or we'd all have to worry about this third coming of Randy Moss. As it is, he'll be tearing up our consolation bracket. Dick, on the other hand, will be heading into the post-season with DeAngelo Williams among the hottest rushers in fantasy.
Pet Monkey 72, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 111.5
Man, am I gonna be glad when this season is over and I don't have to type out "Jeff Stryker is not really gay" multiple times a week. Can we make a rule about not allowing sentences any more as team names? Maybe I'll just use my still-active interim commissioner powers to go in and change it myself. Not that I would ever use those powers for evil purposes, of course. But maybe just to shorten it to "JS ain't 2 gay." Anyways, the Stryker attack was a three-headed monster this week (I wonder if any of his porno films featured a similar angle). Kurt Warner, Greg Jennings, and Warrick Dunn went for 18 each, and were backed up by Adrian Peterson, who is notably still alive, defying all expectations. It seems like this is the third week in a row I've written a review of Billy's team without saying much about his team, but frankly there isn't much to say. Good game for Aaron Rodgers (24). Larry Johnson chipped in 10, but as far as I can tell is still on suicide watch.
FUBAR 114, Santonio's Blunts 127.5
Spence's team was really good this week, but everywhere you turned it just seemed that Bardey's team was a little bit better. Drew Brees continued his historic season with his best outing so far (34), but that was still not quite as good as Matt Cassel (37). Bardois' Ryan Grant (7) was a bit of a disappointment after a couple solid weeks, but Spence's Frank Gore (2) was an even bigger disappointment after a solid season. Derrick Ward (15) got increased playing time with Brandon Jacobs out, but was not match for Matt Forte (27). Calvin Johnson (12) has continued to play well despite playing for the decrepit Lions, but a good day for the Lions' offense doesn't equate to an off day for Marques Colston (15). You get the point. Like much of the Frogg's fantasy history, really good just wasn't quite good enough.
Alligator Fuckhouse 56, Egon Spengler 110.5
I don't really feel the need to belabor this one too much. The score speaks for itself pretty well. If I'd only played my quarterback, running back, and kicker I'd have won this game by six. Michael Turner = King of the Centaurs. Keep an eye on Souts' roster moves this week: I think he may be angling for that top lottery position next year.
Cholish Chachfaces 102, Sky Vault Centurions 82
When I was writing Chalski's "Thankful" entry before, I had meant to include Lance Moore in there somewhere, because he's been an absolutely huge waiver-wire pickup for Chalski this season, essentially taking over the WR1 position on a roster that includes Reggie Wayne and Torry Holt. This week was no exception, as Moore went for 25. Lance got support from Philip Rivers (18) and Marshawn Lynch (15). Andre's workhorse, Clinton Portis (17), amazingly put up another big week despite having injuries to seemingly every part of his body. That wasn't quite enough to lead the team in scoring, however, as 143 rushing yards and 15 receiving yards isn't quite as big a day as 4 field goals and 6 extra points, courtesy of Rian Lindell (18). Usually, though, when your kicker leads your team in scoring, he leads them to defeat. The Centurions continued that trend in Week 12.
[update: with all our players done for the night, Moceanu has closed it to 5-3 on the Black Presidents. Damn you, Peja Stojakovic and your late-night game against the Blazers! The Blaze did win, though, and still undefeated in the Rose Garden this year. Fuck yeah.]
So now, with only one week left to play, there are still some playoff spots up for grabs, and coveted first-week byes to be decided. At the moment, the bottom three playoff spots are occupied by Will, Dekker, and Chuck, who are all 7-5 with Andre and Chalski knocking on the door at 6-6. Scoring-wise, Dre is actually at the top of that group, followed by Shoaf (-1.5), Dekker (-10.5), Chalski (-110) and Chuck (-135), so Andre will need a win and at least one loss from a 7-5 team to make it in, and Chalski will need a win and a loss by Andre. Dick, me, Spencer, and Will are locks or very close to it, and a lot would have to happen for Dekker to fall out of the playoffs. Let's take a look at the games themselves in our Week 13 Preview:
Chip Lohmiller (7-5) vs. Manatee Eaters (7-5)
As noted, this is the game with probably the most playoff implications, and it's also the game that's been largely decided in Thursday's Thanksgiving contests. The NFC East triplets went off to the tune of 80 points, and Dekker still has MJD going against Houston and Anthony Gonzalez going against Cleveland. Even with Peyton Manning and Ronnie Brown (vs. St. Louis) on the Manatee roster, catching up seems like an awfully tall order.
Lohmiller by 19
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (7-4-1) vs. Pet Monkey (4-8)
Billy doesn't have much to play for anymore, but he does have the opportunity to take a first-round bye away from Dick. With Larry Johnson going against Oakland and Roddy White taking on San Diego, I think he's got a pretty god chance of doing just that.
Monkey by 8
Alligator Fuckhouse (4-8) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (6-6)
Are there any good defenses left in the NFL? I feel like every player I'm looking at this week looks like they're playing a shitty defense unless they're taking on Pittsburgh, Baltimore, or the Giants. Steve's got Matt Ryan taking on San Diego and Thomas Jones taking on Denver, which are both good match-ups, but Chalski's got Philip Rivers taking on Atlanta, Marshawn Lynch taking on San Francisco, and Reggie Wayne taking on Cleveland. Advantage: Chalski.
Chachfaces by 5
Jeff Stryker is not really gay (7-5) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (3-9)
I'd really, really, really like to see Juse win this game. He's got a lot of Chiefs taking on the Raider. And he's got one Raider taking on the Chiefs. Will that game be more of an exercise in offensive or defensive ineptitude? I'm gonna bank on defensive ineptitude and go with
Juse by 7
Santonio's Blunts (5-7) vs. Egon Spengler (8-4)
I'm a little worried here. Chris Johnson had a huge start (28), but that was matched by McNabb, and my other Thursday combatants did nothing special. Still, I've got Favre going against Denver, and the Burner going against San Diego. It'll be tight, but I think I just might eke out my 7th win in a row.
Spengler by 2
FUBAR (7-4-1) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (6-6)
This is another one that could seriously impact the playoff situation, with the Centurions fighting for their playoff lives and FUBAR angling for that number one spot in the East. Sky Vault's got big red Q's next to their big bad RB's, so I think I'm gonna have to give the nod to
FUBAR by 6
Last week: 4-2 (not bad for a drunk guy)
Overall: 45-27
One more weekend, boys and girls, before the real fun starts. Will Andre and/or Chalski fight their way into the playoffs? Will Chuck continue his slide out? Will Spence and Shoaf steal me and Dick's byes? Only a few days til all these questions are answered and we can stop thinking about records and start thinking about championships. I'm fucking excited. And tired. There's a lot of words here.
Oh, and Papkin, before you get your panties in a bunch, I've got an equivalent NBD posting coming tomorrow. If my eyes have stopped bleeding by then.
Thanksgiving is perhaps the greatest of all holidays, for a number of reasons. First of all, there are the traditions associated with it: eating, drinking, football, and napping. Right there you've got four of the top six things I enjoy in life. Next is the fact that it's a secular holiday, which I think is a bigger deal than a lot of people give it credit for. I'm certainly not much of a Christian anymore, and Christmas has become just as much a national and commercial holiday as it is about the birth of Christ, but you can't really get through Christmas without having some awareness of the whole Nativity story and all that jazz that I just can't get into. And while the whole gift exchange thing is nice, it also comes loaded with a smattering of greed and pressure, neither of which are emotions I like to celebrate. Halloween is fun, but there isn't really much to it besides wearing a ridiculous costume and seeing women dressed up like whores. The Fourth of July is pretty awesome, and I am amazed every year at how amazed I still am by fireworks, but it doesn't have any kind of season around it, and sometimes it falls on like a Wednesday, so that you (and by you, I mean "not teachers") have to work the day before and after. That's horseshit. Putting any of the other holidays in the ring (Memorial Day? Labor Day? Fucking Valentine's Day?) is a joke.
Cheesy though it may be, I also really like the spirit of Thanksgiving. It seems like a lot of the problems I have with people result from them acting selfish, overly-entitled, and ungrateful (not exempting myself from those people, either), so if we can spend just one day a year where everyone is encouraged to look at what they have and actually take a moment to appreciate it, I'm all about it. Of course this leads to the inevitable dinner-table round of "This year I'm thankful for...", and even at the Thanksgiving I attended of jaded, ironic Brooklynites, we still managed to go through this routine with a minimum of sarcasm or snarkiness. Though it's obviously not as high as things like family, friends, health, a job I love, and a comfortable life, I am certainly thankful for fantasy football, providing me as it does with so much diversionary fun during the football season and opportunities to keep in touch with, and talk shit to, so many people. With that in mind, I decided to go through the league and give everyone, from the league-leading Egon Spengler (oh, am I in first place? I hadn't even noticed) to the league-trailing Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts, something to be thankful for. In fact, since he may be considering fantasy suicide at this point, let's start off with Juse:
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts are thankful for...
keepers. I just went back through the archives, and the last time I could find anything close to a franchise running back on a Rousseau roster was 2004, when he had Brian Westbrook and Clinton Portis (and went to the Biffle Bowl, I should note). This year his squad has been snake-bitten, suffering through a multitude of injuries, including his top two draft picks, running backs Darren McFadden and Willis McGahee. He traded for Steven Jackson mid-season, only to see him play just once, in limited fashion, since then. His wide receivers have been hobbled as well, losing Anquan Boldin for a chunk of the season thanks to a nasty sandwich hit by the Jets, and consistent problems - be they injury-related or team rule infraction-related - from Plaxico Burress. But next year! Next year Juse will have his pick of S-Jax and McFadden at RB; and Brandon Marshall, Burress, and Dwayne Bowe at wideout. And once Commissioner Bardey institutes the new lottery system, Juse will have a better shot at that number one draft spot than ever before, giving him another option besides Jackson/McFadden should he decide there's a better option on the market. Yes, Juse has endured a difficult 2008, but he can be thankful that the very things that were his weaknesses this year should be his strengths next year, and in fantasy, there is always next year.
[note: I'm watching the Heat-Suns game right now, and Dwyane Wade is going nutso]
Alligator Fuckhouse is thankful for...
Week 6. When your team is 4-8 through 12 games and out of the playoff picture, you can at least look back fondly on individual achievements, if not on team success. Week 6 saw the beginning of two individual successes for the Fuckhousers. It was in Week 6 that the roulette wheel of Tom Brady replacements landed on Atlanta rookie Matt Ryan, who would come to be the most consistent of Souts' QBs, averaging 15 points per game since then. More significantly, Week 6 marked the first week of post-bye week Thomas Jones. Jones is currently sixth among all fantasy RBs on the season, but considering that he had 7, 2, and 6 point outings in weeks 2, 3, and 4, I'm willing to guess that he's pretty much the top fantasy rusher since he got back from his week off, averaging 20 points per game over that span. That includes a 34-point performance in Week 10 that gave Souts the edge over former co-owner Billy; and if Souts needs more to be thankful for, beating the man who mentored him into the league has to be a silver lining to this season's cloud. Speaking of Billy...
Pet Monkey is thankful for...
Roddy White. Billy's 4th-round selection has played more like a 2nd-rounder, ranking 5th among wideouts in total fantasy scoring this season. As an owner of White in another league, I can tell you that owning him is a lot of fun, because when Roddy gets hot, he stays hot, as he did in weeks 3 (21 pts), 5 (21), 6 (19), and 8 (27) this season. Having ghost-drafted Larry Johnson, Willie Parker, and Antonio Gates (jeez) ahead of him this year, Billy is probably looking at his #1 keeper headed into 2009, and with Aaron Rodgers available to him in the 12th, the Pet Monkey QB/WR combo may be set for years to come.
[Billy is not thankful for... the fact that the Black Presidents are leading Dominique Moceanu 7-1 right now, especially after he talked shit earlier in the week. 6 threes by Granger tonight!]
Santonio's Blunts are thankful for...
rookie running backs. Heading into this season, Bardey made the decision to eschew his keepable running backs (I'm looking for things to be thankful for, so I'll decline to mention their names) in favor of his seemingly economical wideouts. Unfortunately, those keepers didn't pan out quite as he'd hoped, leaving him in a position to regret those lost RBs. But he shouldn't feel that regret too deeply, because he seems to have grabbed himself a few rookies who'll be able to help out for years to come. Matt Forte has been a Grade A fantasy stud right out the gate this season, ranking 5th among RBs and averaging 16 points per game. Kevin Smith hasn't been nearly as consistent, but he has been relatively solid, especially considering that he plays for the woeful Lions. Assuming he doesn't repeat past mistakes, Bardey will have some solid young guns not only this year, but on Thanksgiving 2009, 2010, 2011...
Cholish Chachfaces are thankful for...
Scheduling quirks. Thanks to our not-so-random scheduling system, Chalski gets to play Alligator Fuckhouse twice this year, including here in Week 13. Granted, the Chachfaces lost to the Fuckhousers in Week 1, but since then Souts' squad has proved to be the lowest-scoring group in the league, and Chalski is taking them on at a time when one last win might just squeeze him into the playoffs. The teams he's trying to catch - Manatee Eaters, Chip Lohmiller, and Sky Vault Centurions - are either playing each other or higher-ranked teams, meaning that if they lose and Chalski wins with enough points, he'll overtake them in the standings. His best chance comes if Dekker beats Chuck, and already Lohmiller's big NFC East threesome has posted some huge numbers in that match-up. You can't ask for much more than still being alive with three games already gone in the last week of the regular season.
Sky Vault Centurions are thankful for...
Tiki Barber and Ladell Betts. Why would Andre be thankful for a running back who retired two seasons ago and a little-used and currently-injured backup? Because it was the presence of Barber that allowed Dre to draft Brandon Jacobs in the 10th round a few years back, and the late-2006 emergence of Ladell Betts (and projected 2007 timeshare) that allowed Portis to fall to Dre in last year's 2nd round. Though both guys are walking wounded right now, they have been beasts for most of the season up til now. In fact, with Jay Cutler and Larry Fitzgerald also on the roster, it's kind of a wonder SVC aren't leading the league standings. Not surprisingly, though, they are leading the league in scoring.
Manatee Eaters are thankful for...
Flukey offensive schemes and multi-talented backs. As has been well-publicized on this blog, Chuck is still coasting on the fumes of early-season success, and having lost 5 of his last 6, faces possible elimination from the playoffs this week. Even if that happens, he'll always have that magical 6-game run to be thankful for, and it came largely on the shoulders of his dual-threat running backs, Reggie Bush and Steve Slaton. Both these guys are equally capable as receivers and rushers, and each took their turn carrying the Eaters in the early part of the season. Also contributing to Chuck's success was Ronnie Brown's Wildcat-based offensive proliferation; but much as the NFL has started to figure out the Wildcat, so has BIFL clearly figured out the Manatee.
Chip Lohmiller are thankful for...
Thanksgiving blowouts. Jesus. I know I've already mentioned it, and I'll have to again in the Preview section of the write-up (that's right, I'm doing Thankfuls, Reviews, and Previews in this post - I did title it "Spectacular," didn't I?), but Lohmiller's NFC Easters went the fuck off yesterday. With a playoff spot potentially on the line, Dekker's big three drew some seriously porous defenses for the holiday weekend, with the Cowboys and Eagles totalling 82 points to the Seahawks' and Cardinals' 29. With Romo and Westbrook apparently healthy again, and McNabb presumably motivated by last week's benching, Dekker could have a lot more to be thankful for as his team heats up for a possible deep run into the playoffs.
Jeff Stryker is not really gay is thankful for (that makes for an awkward sentence)...
lop-sided trades. Early in the season, it seemed that with a dearth of running backs (Ryan Grant was still sucking at that point and there was no guarantee that Matt Forte's success would last) and a surfeit of quarterbacks (Donovan McNabb, Kurt Warner, and Marc Bulger), Bardey should trade on those signal-callers away to acquire a solid rusher. Sending Kurt Warner to Shoaf for Earnest Graham made all kinds of sense. Since then? Not so much sense. Warner has turned into an MVP candidate and the second-best fantasy QB behind the incomparable Drew Brees. Meanhwile, Graham had a decent, if not fantastic season going until Week 7. Since then he's had 14 points. Kurt Warner's only had two weeks the entire season where he scored less than 14, and one of those was when he was still on Bardey's roster. I'd say that's a trade that Will can be thankful he made.
FUBAR is thankful for...
Drew Motherfucking Brees. So far, I've tried to avoid simply saying "[so-and-so] is thankful for... [name their best player]," but with this team I simply can't. Brees is averaging 21.5 points per game. He's gone over 25 five times already this season, with Detroit still on the schedule if FUBAR can make it into the championship game. Remember the love note I wrote to Michael Turner early in the season? Well, in comparison, Spencer must fall asleep at night actually humping a Drew Brees Fathead. I wonder if he makes Tess/Teresa (at some point before the wedding I feel like she made the switch, but I'm still not sure which I'm supposed to say) put on a Saints helmet and do the "Who dat?" chant before they do it. Fun fact: Brees accounts for over 22% of Spence's total scoring so far this season. Thanks, Drew!
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon is thankful for...
Lay-down opponents. Know how many teams have scored less than the Iron Chef this year? Two. Know where those teams reside in the standings? Last in the East and last in the West? Know where the Iron Chef resides? Top of the West. Know how many wins those other two teams have combined? Seven. Know how many wins the Iron Chef has? Seven. No one in the league has had less points scored against him than Bryan Dick, who averages an amazing 82 ppg against. And this fucker has the nerve to complain about a tie. Count your blessings, asshole.
Egon Spengler is thankful for...
So much. I'm thankful that Michael Turner turned out to be a stud. I'm thankful that of all the rookie running backs taken in the draft, mine (Chris Johnson) turned out to be one of the best. I'm thankful that that gave me the leeway to trade away Steven Jackson, right as he was heading into his injury, for Anquan Boldin, right as he was coming off of his. Speaking of which, boy am I thankful for Q! 16 points a week since his bye week! Awesome. I'm thankful for Wes Welker's consistency. I'm thankful for that Dick-Spencer tie that has me a half-game up on FUBAR right now. And I'm thankful for your continued readership of the blog. Thanks.
[update: I started putting this together like 8 hours ago, and in that cell phone delivery I was talking about at the start of the write-up never materialized. I waited all day for nothing, and potentially will have to do the same thing tomorrow. Not so thankful for DHL right now.]
Now that we've been around the table and each team has said their piece, let's carve into the turkey. Week 12 Review:
Chip Lohmiller 91.5, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 83
The return of the Romo-Owens connection is pretty much the beginning and end of this story, as they split 60 points between them, good for nearly 75% of Juse's total score. The Arrrrrghos have a connection of their own going these days, with Tyler Thigpen (19), Dwayn Bowe (11) and Tony Gonzalez (19) hooking up regularly over the past few weeks, but a team where Chiefs are the highest scorers is not a team that's going to win a lot of fantasy games, especially with contributors like Willis McGahee (0), Plaxico Burress (0), and Antonio Pittman (1). 16 points on the bench from Darren McFadden should be encouraging for Juse, though. And on the other bench, Anthony Gonzalez (15) may have earned himself a starting spot on Dekker's team now that the Colts are experiencing a resurgence.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 117, Manatee Eaters 85
The Iron Chef really did pound it this week, with guys all over the roster contributing to this lambasting of the Manatee Eaters. Eli Manning and DeAngelo Williams (21 each) were the top ICPP scorers, but Steve Smith (18), Laveranues Coles (14), and LaDainian Tomlinson (11) all chipped in to help overcome a 2007-esque day by the Eaters' Randy Moss 32. It's a good thing that Chuck isn't going to make it into the playoffs, or we'd all have to worry about this third coming of Randy Moss. As it is, he'll be tearing up our consolation bracket. Dick, on the other hand, will be heading into the post-season with DeAngelo Williams among the hottest rushers in fantasy.
Pet Monkey 72, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 111.5
Man, am I gonna be glad when this season is over and I don't have to type out "Jeff Stryker is not really gay" multiple times a week. Can we make a rule about not allowing sentences any more as team names? Maybe I'll just use my still-active interim commissioner powers to go in and change it myself. Not that I would ever use those powers for evil purposes, of course. But maybe just to shorten it to "JS ain't 2 gay." Anyways, the Stryker attack was a three-headed monster this week (I wonder if any of his porno films featured a similar angle). Kurt Warner, Greg Jennings, and Warrick Dunn went for 18 each, and were backed up by Adrian Peterson, who is notably still alive, defying all expectations. It seems like this is the third week in a row I've written a review of Billy's team without saying much about his team, but frankly there isn't much to say. Good game for Aaron Rodgers (24). Larry Johnson chipped in 10, but as far as I can tell is still on suicide watch.
FUBAR 114, Santonio's Blunts 127.5
Spence's team was really good this week, but everywhere you turned it just seemed that Bardey's team was a little bit better. Drew Brees continued his historic season with his best outing so far (34), but that was still not quite as good as Matt Cassel (37). Bardois' Ryan Grant (7) was a bit of a disappointment after a couple solid weeks, but Spence's Frank Gore (2) was an even bigger disappointment after a solid season. Derrick Ward (15) got increased playing time with Brandon Jacobs out, but was not match for Matt Forte (27). Calvin Johnson (12) has continued to play well despite playing for the decrepit Lions, but a good day for the Lions' offense doesn't equate to an off day for Marques Colston (15). You get the point. Like much of the Frogg's fantasy history, really good just wasn't quite good enough.
Alligator Fuckhouse 56, Egon Spengler 110.5
I don't really feel the need to belabor this one too much. The score speaks for itself pretty well. If I'd only played my quarterback, running back, and kicker I'd have won this game by six. Michael Turner = King of the Centaurs. Keep an eye on Souts' roster moves this week: I think he may be angling for that top lottery position next year.
Cholish Chachfaces 102, Sky Vault Centurions 82
When I was writing Chalski's "Thankful" entry before, I had meant to include Lance Moore in there somewhere, because he's been an absolutely huge waiver-wire pickup for Chalski this season, essentially taking over the WR1 position on a roster that includes Reggie Wayne and Torry Holt. This week was no exception, as Moore went for 25. Lance got support from Philip Rivers (18) and Marshawn Lynch (15). Andre's workhorse, Clinton Portis (17), amazingly put up another big week despite having injuries to seemingly every part of his body. That wasn't quite enough to lead the team in scoring, however, as 143 rushing yards and 15 receiving yards isn't quite as big a day as 4 field goals and 6 extra points, courtesy of Rian Lindell (18). Usually, though, when your kicker leads your team in scoring, he leads them to defeat. The Centurions continued that trend in Week 12.
[update: with all our players done for the night, Moceanu has closed it to 5-3 on the Black Presidents. Damn you, Peja Stojakovic and your late-night game against the Blazers! The Blaze did win, though, and still undefeated in the Rose Garden this year. Fuck yeah.]
So now, with only one week left to play, there are still some playoff spots up for grabs, and coveted first-week byes to be decided. At the moment, the bottom three playoff spots are occupied by Will, Dekker, and Chuck, who are all 7-5 with Andre and Chalski knocking on the door at 6-6. Scoring-wise, Dre is actually at the top of that group, followed by Shoaf (-1.5), Dekker (-10.5), Chalski (-110) and Chuck (-135), so Andre will need a win and at least one loss from a 7-5 team to make it in, and Chalski will need a win and a loss by Andre. Dick, me, Spencer, and Will are locks or very close to it, and a lot would have to happen for Dekker to fall out of the playoffs. Let's take a look at the games themselves in our Week 13 Preview:
Chip Lohmiller (7-5) vs. Manatee Eaters (7-5)
As noted, this is the game with probably the most playoff implications, and it's also the game that's been largely decided in Thursday's Thanksgiving contests. The NFC East triplets went off to the tune of 80 points, and Dekker still has MJD going against Houston and Anthony Gonzalez going against Cleveland. Even with Peyton Manning and Ronnie Brown (vs. St. Louis) on the Manatee roster, catching up seems like an awfully tall order.
Lohmiller by 19
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (7-4-1) vs. Pet Monkey (4-8)
Billy doesn't have much to play for anymore, but he does have the opportunity to take a first-round bye away from Dick. With Larry Johnson going against Oakland and Roddy White taking on San Diego, I think he's got a pretty god chance of doing just that.
Monkey by 8
Alligator Fuckhouse (4-8) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (6-6)
Are there any good defenses left in the NFL? I feel like every player I'm looking at this week looks like they're playing a shitty defense unless they're taking on Pittsburgh, Baltimore, or the Giants. Steve's got Matt Ryan taking on San Diego and Thomas Jones taking on Denver, which are both good match-ups, but Chalski's got Philip Rivers taking on Atlanta, Marshawn Lynch taking on San Francisco, and Reggie Wayne taking on Cleveland. Advantage: Chalski.
Chachfaces by 5
Jeff Stryker is not really gay (7-5) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (3-9)
I'd really, really, really like to see Juse win this game. He's got a lot of Chiefs taking on the Raider. And he's got one Raider taking on the Chiefs. Will that game be more of an exercise in offensive or defensive ineptitude? I'm gonna bank on defensive ineptitude and go with
Juse by 7
Santonio's Blunts (5-7) vs. Egon Spengler (8-4)
I'm a little worried here. Chris Johnson had a huge start (28), but that was matched by McNabb, and my other Thursday combatants did nothing special. Still, I've got Favre going against Denver, and the Burner going against San Diego. It'll be tight, but I think I just might eke out my 7th win in a row.
Spengler by 2
FUBAR (7-4-1) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (6-6)
This is another one that could seriously impact the playoff situation, with the Centurions fighting for their playoff lives and FUBAR angling for that number one spot in the East. Sky Vault's got big red Q's next to their big bad RB's, so I think I'm gonna have to give the nod to
FUBAR by 6
Last week: 4-2 (not bad for a drunk guy)
Overall: 45-27
One more weekend, boys and girls, before the real fun starts. Will Andre and/or Chalski fight their way into the playoffs? Will Chuck continue his slide out? Will Spence and Shoaf steal me and Dick's byes? Only a few days til all these questions are answered and we can stop thinking about records and start thinking about championships. I'm fucking excited. And tired. There's a lot of words here.
Oh, and Papkin, before you get your panties in a bunch, I've got an equivalent NBD posting coming tomorrow. If my eyes have stopped bleeding by then.
11.23.2008
NBD - Week 12 Preview
With eight teams bunched up with either a 5-6, 6-5, or 7-4 record, there's still a lot of work to be done in determining who's gonna make the playoffs and how they're gonna be seeded. This week should be especially interesting since so many teams are playing opponents within a place or two of them in the rankings. Let's take a look:
Stadler & Waldorf (7th, 5-6) vs. CH Croakies (5th, 6-5)
This is a hugely important match-up, at least for my playoff hopes. And if I were to win that'd probably knock Elliott out of the top six, so this is just as important for him. I should also note that after 11 games, our team scoring totals are separated by only half a point. Do you need more convincing that this is a good match-up? S & W is off to a bad start with Hines Ward's 3.7 points, but the rest of my opponents list is a dream: St. Louis, New Orleans, Cleveland, Arizona. I hope Adrian Peterson dies a long, slow death.
Waldorf-Astoria by 4
Pubers and the 'Fro (9th, 5-6) vs. Mephistopheles (12th, 3-8)
This is Colly's chance to climb back into the playoff picture, with what should be an easy contest against league pincushion Mephistopheles. But with the equally awful Dutch Rudders coming at him next week, this is Ray's last chance to "play the spoiler" as he guaranteed he would. It does look like Ray will have a chance at getting one of his first solid RB performances of the year, with Warrick Dunn, who's now the starter in Tampa Bay, going against the porous Detroit run D. And with Drew Brees and Greg Jennings playing in what should be a shootout on Monday night, I think the Chief is ready to make good on that promise.
Mephisto by 6
The Dutch Rudders (11th, 3-8) vs. Woody's Warriors (10th, 4-7)
This match-up has absolutely no playoff implications whatsoever. And both these teams are pretty bad. But our league tends towards parity, and Woody's guys are going up against Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Minnesota, and Baltimore. Those are good defenses.
Rudders by 5
$5 Foot Long (2nd, 7-4) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (1st, 8-3)
This game, on the other hand, features the top two teams in the league squaring off. Last week, Koehler continued his 5-game winning streak to pull ahead of Haller for the first time this season. Surely, both these teams will make the playoffs (MRLD has already clinched), but scoring that first-week bye is huge, and either team could secure it for themselves with a win here. Koehler's already at a disadvantage thanks to TJ Housh's sorry night (2) on Thursday, and Haller's Cutler-Marshall combo going against the Raiders should be enough to put him away.
Foot Long by 9
Wyld Stallyns (4th, 7-4) vs. Burke City Giants (3rd, 7-4)
So we had 1-v-2 and now we have 3-v-4. Truly a marquee day for NBD. Burke City may be in position to call out the Stallyns as posers this week. Though they're an impressive 5-1 in their past six games, DeYoung's guys have averaged only 69 points over the past four weeks. With DeAngelo Williams looking strong recently and Steve Slaton taking on the weak Browns D, this week that lack of scoring could finally bite him in the ass.
Burke City by 9
Lassard Blows Harris (6th, 6-5) vs. Tri Steeg Area (8th, 5-6)
This is yet another big one, as a loss here will likely close the door on a playoff spot for Kex. A win would tie him up, record-wise, with LBH, and they're only separated at this point by 10 total points on the season, so depending on the margin of victory would put him past Papkin or very close to him. LBH has already been disappointed by a meager output from Willie Parker (3.7), and I don't really foresee anything huge coming from the rest of this roster. Even the seemingly unstoppable Q is taking on the Giants, who will probably limit, if not stuff his production. Tri Steeg is gonna need contributions from their senior members, Peyton Manning and Terrell Owens. I think at least one of those guys steps up enough to carry the day for Kevin and muddy the playoff picture even further.
Tri Steeg by 8
Last week: 4-2
Overall: 42-24
Stadler & Waldorf (7th, 5-6) vs. CH Croakies (5th, 6-5)
This is a hugely important match-up, at least for my playoff hopes. And if I were to win that'd probably knock Elliott out of the top six, so this is just as important for him. I should also note that after 11 games, our team scoring totals are separated by only half a point. Do you need more convincing that this is a good match-up? S & W is off to a bad start with Hines Ward's 3.7 points, but the rest of my opponents list is a dream: St. Louis, New Orleans, Cleveland, Arizona. I hope Adrian Peterson dies a long, slow death.
Waldorf-Astoria by 4
Pubers and the 'Fro (9th, 5-6) vs. Mephistopheles (12th, 3-8)
This is Colly's chance to climb back into the playoff picture, with what should be an easy contest against league pincushion Mephistopheles. But with the equally awful Dutch Rudders coming at him next week, this is Ray's last chance to "play the spoiler" as he guaranteed he would. It does look like Ray will have a chance at getting one of his first solid RB performances of the year, with Warrick Dunn, who's now the starter in Tampa Bay, going against the porous Detroit run D. And with Drew Brees and Greg Jennings playing in what should be a shootout on Monday night, I think the Chief is ready to make good on that promise.
Mephisto by 6
The Dutch Rudders (11th, 3-8) vs. Woody's Warriors (10th, 4-7)
This match-up has absolutely no playoff implications whatsoever. And both these teams are pretty bad. But our league tends towards parity, and Woody's guys are going up against Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Minnesota, and Baltimore. Those are good defenses.
Rudders by 5
$5 Foot Long (2nd, 7-4) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (1st, 8-3)
This game, on the other hand, features the top two teams in the league squaring off. Last week, Koehler continued his 5-game winning streak to pull ahead of Haller for the first time this season. Surely, both these teams will make the playoffs (MRLD has already clinched), but scoring that first-week bye is huge, and either team could secure it for themselves with a win here. Koehler's already at a disadvantage thanks to TJ Housh's sorry night (2) on Thursday, and Haller's Cutler-Marshall combo going against the Raiders should be enough to put him away.
Foot Long by 9
Wyld Stallyns (4th, 7-4) vs. Burke City Giants (3rd, 7-4)
So we had 1-v-2 and now we have 3-v-4. Truly a marquee day for NBD. Burke City may be in position to call out the Stallyns as posers this week. Though they're an impressive 5-1 in their past six games, DeYoung's guys have averaged only 69 points over the past four weeks. With DeAngelo Williams looking strong recently and Steve Slaton taking on the weak Browns D, this week that lack of scoring could finally bite him in the ass.
Burke City by 9
Lassard Blows Harris (6th, 6-5) vs. Tri Steeg Area (8th, 5-6)
This is yet another big one, as a loss here will likely close the door on a playoff spot for Kex. A win would tie him up, record-wise, with LBH, and they're only separated at this point by 10 total points on the season, so depending on the margin of victory would put him past Papkin or very close to him. LBH has already been disappointed by a meager output from Willie Parker (3.7), and I don't really foresee anything huge coming from the rest of this roster. Even the seemingly unstoppable Q is taking on the Giants, who will probably limit, if not stuff his production. Tri Steeg is gonna need contributions from their senior members, Peyton Manning and Terrell Owens. I think at least one of those guys steps up enough to carry the day for Kevin and muddy the playoff picture even further.
Tri Steeg by 8
Last week: 4-2
Overall: 42-24
BIFL - Week 12 Preview
Oh, were some of you disappointed not to get a drunk posting last week? Well, I've got news for you. It's Saturday night. It's 2am. And I'm ready to make some predictions, motherfuckers. You can take a wild guess as to my state of inebriation. Get ready to get appointed! Let's get this shit started!
Chip Lohmiller (6-5) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (3-8)
Juse has already got 3.5 points in this game thanks to LaMarr Woodley. That's LaMarr, L-a-capital M-a-r-r. One r wasn't enough for those parents to make sure it wasn't La-Mah. Anyways, Lohmiller has been eating multiple dicks lately because his whole team is Brian Westbrook and Brian Westbrook hasn't been doing shit. This week, Westbrook is taking on Baltimore, so even if he was ready to stop being a shitbag, Bart Scott probably wouldn't let him. Maurice Jones-Drew is taking on Minnesota, and all the fantasy experts always insist that you can't run on them and they're a crazy awesome run defense, even though they don't seem to actually be a decent football team in any way when you watch them on television. So anyway the point is that Lohmiller should suck, but you also have to keep in mind that he's playing Juse, who has put together an incredibly horrible fantasy football team for an unprecedented 12th year in a row. What?! I'm not supposed to say it, just because he's our former commish?!? I'm tired of Juse's teams sucking. I especially am tired of it because I drafted this year's team. And my team is awesome, and I've won the league the last two years, so clearly I don't suck at drafting. But drafting a team for Juse is like Clinton building up a robust, productive economy just for it to be taken over by a bunch of bumbling idiots who will, in eight years, drive it into the ground. Good god, am I still on the same paragraph I started half an hour ago? fuck that.
Lohmiller by 5
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (6-4-1) vs. Manatee Eaters (7-4-0)
First time through I typed "pouncing poon," which to be honest is a much cooler name. Anyways... If you look at the record of these two teams, this looks like a great match-up. But honestly, these two teams suck. My hatred of the Manatee Eaters is well-chronicled on this blog, but perhaps I've never explained: any success this team has had has been based on fluke Wildcat plays for Ronnie Brown, random huge plays for Steve Slaton, and the standard 3-game streak every season where Bernard Berrian pretends to be a legitimate NFL receiver. But that shit doesn't keep happening in the NFL, and Chuck's team is the living proof. Meanwhile, Dick's team is full of guys who I'll never ever have on my fantasy squad just because I think they're assholes. Steve Smith? Asshole. Eli Manning? Douchebag. DeAngelo Williams? Dipshit. Fuck Dick's team. They'll probably win though.
Poon by 4
Pet Monkey (4-7) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (6-5)
I've got a head start on this one, considering that Willie Parker, who you'd hope would have a solid performance, has given Billy only three points. That puts Billy at a distinct disadvantage, even though I hate Will's team so much that it hurts. I want Billy to win this game so badly that I'm gonna pick him despite not actually thinking that it's gonna happen.
[I'll be honest with you guys. I haven't typed a sentence correctly in about 15 minutes. There's a lot of self-editing going on here, and I'm struggling. But I'm gonna push onward and try to complete this post.]
One thing I'm really interested in in this game is to see what Larry Johnson does. Dude is on a precipice right now. I kind of feel like he's either going to go for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns in this game, or 4 yards and no touchdowns and a lifetime of pain and resentment. Like based on the next two weeks this guy is either gonna be on the cover of every fantasy mag next year or the cover of every tabloid mag next month. Just way unstable. And he paints!! Did you see Hard Knocks last year?!? Dude paints!
Pet Monkey by 1
FUBAR (7-3-1) vs. Santonio's Blunts (4-7)
Oh snap! Did you guys see this?
Jonathan Bardey (Nov 22 12:22 AM): you're the fucking 2nd lowest scoring team in the league yet in position to make the playoffs. i'm gonna change that for you this week.
Straight calling out the Frogg! JB has faced the reality that he's done across the board in fantasy football this year and he is resentful! He's got a point, I guess, but Spence does have Drew Brees, Frank Gore, and Calvin Johnson, and those guy have been enough this season to keep any mediocre team afloat. Then again, Bardey's guys are playing the shittiest of defenses this week, including such luminaries as St. Louis, New Orleans, and Cleveland. And also a Bardey victory plus my own victory helps out my playoff position. So yeah! We're gonna change that for you this week, Spence!
Blunts by 8
Alligator Fuckhouse (4-7) vs. Egon Spengler (7-4)
Souts has already failed to take Chad Johnson out of his line-up despite his non-play on Thursday, so his already-woeful team is already off to a bad start. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna beat up on him, and I'm also pretty sure that I got home, drunk, 40 minutes ago and I'm ready to sleep. So let's move on.
Spengler by 10
Cholish Chachfaces (5-6) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (6-5)
I think this is maybe the most important match-up, playoff-wise, of the week. It's a shame I can barely keep my eyes open to write a preview of it. Oh fuck I'm passing out. Sorry guys.
Sky Vault by 5
Last week: 2-4
Overall: 41-25
Chip Lohmiller (6-5) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (3-8)
Juse has already got 3.5 points in this game thanks to LaMarr Woodley. That's LaMarr, L-a-capital M-a-r-r. One r wasn't enough for those parents to make sure it wasn't La-Mah. Anyways, Lohmiller has been eating multiple dicks lately because his whole team is Brian Westbrook and Brian Westbrook hasn't been doing shit. This week, Westbrook is taking on Baltimore, so even if he was ready to stop being a shitbag, Bart Scott probably wouldn't let him. Maurice Jones-Drew is taking on Minnesota, and all the fantasy experts always insist that you can't run on them and they're a crazy awesome run defense, even though they don't seem to actually be a decent football team in any way when you watch them on television. So anyway the point is that Lohmiller should suck, but you also have to keep in mind that he's playing Juse, who has put together an incredibly horrible fantasy football team for an unprecedented 12th year in a row. What?! I'm not supposed to say it, just because he's our former commish?!? I'm tired of Juse's teams sucking. I especially am tired of it because I drafted this year's team. And my team is awesome, and I've won the league the last two years, so clearly I don't suck at drafting. But drafting a team for Juse is like Clinton building up a robust, productive economy just for it to be taken over by a bunch of bumbling idiots who will, in eight years, drive it into the ground. Good god, am I still on the same paragraph I started half an hour ago? fuck that.
Lohmiller by 5
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (6-4-1) vs. Manatee Eaters (7-4-0)
First time through I typed "pouncing poon," which to be honest is a much cooler name. Anyways... If you look at the record of these two teams, this looks like a great match-up. But honestly, these two teams suck. My hatred of the Manatee Eaters is well-chronicled on this blog, but perhaps I've never explained: any success this team has had has been based on fluke Wildcat plays for Ronnie Brown, random huge plays for Steve Slaton, and the standard 3-game streak every season where Bernard Berrian pretends to be a legitimate NFL receiver. But that shit doesn't keep happening in the NFL, and Chuck's team is the living proof. Meanwhile, Dick's team is full of guys who I'll never ever have on my fantasy squad just because I think they're assholes. Steve Smith? Asshole. Eli Manning? Douchebag. DeAngelo Williams? Dipshit. Fuck Dick's team. They'll probably win though.
Poon by 4
Pet Monkey (4-7) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (6-5)
I've got a head start on this one, considering that Willie Parker, who you'd hope would have a solid performance, has given Billy only three points. That puts Billy at a distinct disadvantage, even though I hate Will's team so much that it hurts. I want Billy to win this game so badly that I'm gonna pick him despite not actually thinking that it's gonna happen.
[I'll be honest with you guys. I haven't typed a sentence correctly in about 15 minutes. There's a lot of self-editing going on here, and I'm struggling. But I'm gonna push onward and try to complete this post.]
One thing I'm really interested in in this game is to see what Larry Johnson does. Dude is on a precipice right now. I kind of feel like he's either going to go for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns in this game, or 4 yards and no touchdowns and a lifetime of pain and resentment. Like based on the next two weeks this guy is either gonna be on the cover of every fantasy mag next year or the cover of every tabloid mag next month. Just way unstable. And he paints!! Did you see Hard Knocks last year?!? Dude paints!
Pet Monkey by 1
FUBAR (7-3-1) vs. Santonio's Blunts (4-7)
Oh snap! Did you guys see this?
Jonathan Bardey (Nov 22 12:22 AM): you're the fucking 2nd lowest scoring team in the league yet in position to make the playoffs. i'm gonna change that for you this week.
Straight calling out the Frogg! JB has faced the reality that he's done across the board in fantasy football this year and he is resentful! He's got a point, I guess, but Spence does have Drew Brees, Frank Gore, and Calvin Johnson, and those guy have been enough this season to keep any mediocre team afloat. Then again, Bardey's guys are playing the shittiest of defenses this week, including such luminaries as St. Louis, New Orleans, and Cleveland. And also a Bardey victory plus my own victory helps out my playoff position. So yeah! We're gonna change that for you this week, Spence!
Blunts by 8
Alligator Fuckhouse (4-7) vs. Egon Spengler (7-4)
Souts has already failed to take Chad Johnson out of his line-up despite his non-play on Thursday, so his already-woeful team is already off to a bad start. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna beat up on him, and I'm also pretty sure that I got home, drunk, 40 minutes ago and I'm ready to sleep. So let's move on.
Spengler by 10
Cholish Chachfaces (5-6) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (6-5)
I think this is maybe the most important match-up, playoff-wise, of the week. It's a shame I can barely keep my eyes open to write a preview of it. Oh fuck I'm passing out. Sorry guys.
Sky Vault by 5
Last week: 2-4
Overall: 41-25
11.22.2008
NBD - Week 11 Review
Less is more.
Your Week 11 Review, in Haiku form:
Stadler & Waldorf 111.40, Tri Steeg Area 62,40
My once awful team
Streaking towards the playoffs
Thank you, Ryan Grant
CH Croakies 89.18, Mephistopheles 80.64
Despite weak AP
Ray J just can't catch a break
Green Bay D leads E
Chestpubes & Ballfro 73.52, Woody's Warriors 81.90
Once proud champion
Yet to top one hundred points
Loss to Woody. Puke.
The Dutch Rudders 81.12, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 114.50
Double-digit scores
For six MRLD studs
Derek's eighth straight loss
$5 Foot Long 73.14, Burke City Giants 118.88
News of Toobin's death
Perhaps a bit premature
This week's high scorer
Wyld Stallyns 52.48, Lassard Blows Harris 68.86
My success started
When I stopped taunting Papkin
Must control myself
Your Week 11 Review, in Haiku form:
Stadler & Waldorf 111.40, Tri Steeg Area 62,40
My once awful team
Streaking towards the playoffs
Thank you, Ryan Grant
CH Croakies 89.18, Mephistopheles 80.64
Despite weak AP
Ray J just can't catch a break
Green Bay D leads E
Chestpubes & Ballfro 73.52, Woody's Warriors 81.90
Once proud champion
Yet to top one hundred points
Loss to Woody. Puke.
The Dutch Rudders 81.12, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 114.50
Double-digit scores
For six MRLD studs
Derek's eighth straight loss
$5 Foot Long 73.14, Burke City Giants 118.88
News of Toobin's death
Perhaps a bit premature
This week's high scorer
Wyld Stallyns 52.48, Lassard Blows Harris 68.86
My success started
When I stopped taunting Papkin
Must control myself
11.21.2008
BIFL - Week 11 Review
Ugh. Another week where I had hoped to do an extensive write-up and just got swamped with shit, including parent-teacher conferences, birthday celebrations, and the impending (3 hrs from now) first round of the NY Co-Ed Friday Night Soccer League playoffs. This will almost certainly be the end of Bacon United's season, and it could not come soon enough. So anyways, review will be abridged this week, and hopefully I'll find some time during the day on Saturday to write at some length about the playoff situation.
Also wanted to note that the UVA alum magazine I got today featured a birth announcement for Jay Gyuricza and a wedding announcement for Kevin Hudak. With all these Delts settling down, can it be long before my jar of Jergens 24-Hour Moisture finally pops the question after a seemingly endless courtship? I did see a Kay Jewelers bag in the trash the other day, but I'm not holding my breath. [Honey, if you're reading this, a Christmas engagement would be fabulous!]
Here's Week 11:
Alligator Fuckhouse 60.5, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 82
I really thought Souts was gonna keep up his recent string of 100+ outings and march into the playoffs, but that dream pretty much died this week with only one Fuckhouser in double-digits (the recently beastly Thomas Jones, 19). The Jusers weren't exactly a house on fire this week either, but former Spenglerian Dwayne Bowe matched TJ point-for-point, and the rest of the squad was just enough better to take this one.
Jeff Stryker is not really gay 72, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 75
As predicted, this game sucked; and as predicted, Will's was the suckier team in it. Has anyone else noticed that the Poon-Pounders' DeAngelo Williams has been going insane for the past 6 weeks? He did it again in Week 11 (28 pts), continuing to overshadow LaDainian Tomlinson, although his 15 was certainly useful in this game.
Santonio's Blunts 85, Egon Spengler 118.5
This was great. Over in the other league, I'm making an unlikely late charge to sneak into the playoffs after starting the season 0-4. Three of the players leading that charge have been Andre Johnson, Ryan Grant, and Matt Forte, which is basically the nucleus of Bardey's BIFL squad. Somehow this week, I managed to rout Bardey despite 32 points out of Grant/Forte, and still win my NBD game by a solid margin as well. Having Brandon Jacobs in that league and Anquan Boldin (22), TJ Houshmandzadeh (22), and Michael Turner (20) in this one certainly didn't hurt.
FUBAR 113.5, Sky Vault Centurions 98
Having handed Spencer such a heartbreaking loss last week, I was happy to root for him in this match-up this week that served to give me an edge over Andre in the Eastern Conference playoff standings. Both teams were at it hammer and tongs this week, with 50 total RB points for FUBAR's Addai-Gore combo and 40 WR points for Sky Vault's Fitzgerald/Ward/Avery trio. Unfortunately for Dre and Redskins fans, though, the Centurions' workhorse, Clinton Portis (6), has been struggling with some injury problems at exactly the wrong time of the season.
Cholish Chachfaces 110.5, Manatee Eaters 97
This score looks just like the last one. And Chalski's running backs (Marshawn Lynch and Marion Barber) scored 48 points, just like Spence's scored 50. Weird. Anyways, Lance Moore sounds way more like a gay porn star's name than Jeff Stryker does, and he's been scoring as much as one too (20 this week). Manatee Eaters sounds like it could be a porno as well, albeit one that serves an exremely perverted niche market. Manatees probably do have big dicks, though. Huge, fat, slow dicks. That reminds me, I was listening to public radio this afternoon and they were doing a segment all about semen and animal sex (your tax dollars!). Turns out that some ducks have 14-inch dicks. Also they're serial rapists, apparently, and lady ducks have multiple "off-ramps" in their vaginas so that they can divert rape-semen away from their ovaries. Crazy shit. Also a dragonfly's dick is like a pipe-cleaner with bristles on it so that it can clean all the other dragonfly semen out of the lady dragonfly's cooch before he blows his load in there. Can't make that up.
Pet Monkey 64, Chip Lohmiller 72
No one on Billy's team scored as much as Dekker's kicker, Mason Crosby (16). I'm pretty sure that tells the whole story on this game. Plus I just wasted a bunch of time writing about dragonfly dicks.
Fin.
Also wanted to note that the UVA alum magazine I got today featured a birth announcement for Jay Gyuricza and a wedding announcement for Kevin Hudak. With all these Delts settling down, can it be long before my jar of Jergens 24-Hour Moisture finally pops the question after a seemingly endless courtship? I did see a Kay Jewelers bag in the trash the other day, but I'm not holding my breath. [Honey, if you're reading this, a Christmas engagement would be fabulous!]
Here's Week 11:
Alligator Fuckhouse 60.5, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 82
I really thought Souts was gonna keep up his recent string of 100+ outings and march into the playoffs, but that dream pretty much died this week with only one Fuckhouser in double-digits (the recently beastly Thomas Jones, 19). The Jusers weren't exactly a house on fire this week either, but former Spenglerian Dwayne Bowe matched TJ point-for-point, and the rest of the squad was just enough better to take this one.
Jeff Stryker is not really gay 72, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 75
As predicted, this game sucked; and as predicted, Will's was the suckier team in it. Has anyone else noticed that the Poon-Pounders' DeAngelo Williams has been going insane for the past 6 weeks? He did it again in Week 11 (28 pts), continuing to overshadow LaDainian Tomlinson, although his 15 was certainly useful in this game.
Santonio's Blunts 85, Egon Spengler 118.5
This was great. Over in the other league, I'm making an unlikely late charge to sneak into the playoffs after starting the season 0-4. Three of the players leading that charge have been Andre Johnson, Ryan Grant, and Matt Forte, which is basically the nucleus of Bardey's BIFL squad. Somehow this week, I managed to rout Bardey despite 32 points out of Grant/Forte, and still win my NBD game by a solid margin as well. Having Brandon Jacobs in that league and Anquan Boldin (22), TJ Houshmandzadeh (22), and Michael Turner (20) in this one certainly didn't hurt.
FUBAR 113.5, Sky Vault Centurions 98
Having handed Spencer such a heartbreaking loss last week, I was happy to root for him in this match-up this week that served to give me an edge over Andre in the Eastern Conference playoff standings. Both teams were at it hammer and tongs this week, with 50 total RB points for FUBAR's Addai-Gore combo and 40 WR points for Sky Vault's Fitzgerald/Ward/Avery trio. Unfortunately for Dre and Redskins fans, though, the Centurions' workhorse, Clinton Portis (6), has been struggling with some injury problems at exactly the wrong time of the season.
Cholish Chachfaces 110.5, Manatee Eaters 97
This score looks just like the last one. And Chalski's running backs (Marshawn Lynch and Marion Barber) scored 48 points, just like Spence's scored 50. Weird. Anyways, Lance Moore sounds way more like a gay porn star's name than Jeff Stryker does, and he's been scoring as much as one too (20 this week). Manatee Eaters sounds like it could be a porno as well, albeit one that serves an exremely perverted niche market. Manatees probably do have big dicks, though. Huge, fat, slow dicks. That reminds me, I was listening to public radio this afternoon and they were doing a segment all about semen and animal sex (your tax dollars!). Turns out that some ducks have 14-inch dicks. Also they're serial rapists, apparently, and lady ducks have multiple "off-ramps" in their vaginas so that they can divert rape-semen away from their ovaries. Crazy shit. Also a dragonfly's dick is like a pipe-cleaner with bristles on it so that it can clean all the other dragonfly semen out of the lady dragonfly's cooch before he blows his load in there. Can't make that up.
Pet Monkey 64, Chip Lohmiller 72
No one on Billy's team scored as much as Dekker's kicker, Mason Crosby (16). I'm pretty sure that tells the whole story on this game. Plus I just wasted a bunch of time writing about dragonfly dicks.
Fin.
11.16.2008
BIFL - Week 11 Preview
This is more for the sake of continuity and maintaining my record than any sort of entertainment. Sorry, I'm hungover.
Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts
Both teams off to a strong start from their Thursday night players, but only Souts will stay strong.
Fuckhouse by 10
Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon
This game sucks so far, and will continue to suck.
Stryker by 5
Santonio's Blunts vs. Egon Spengler
Oh man, typing Bardey's team name just reminded me what's great for a hangover.
Spengler by 8
FUBAR vs. Sky Vault Centurions
I think Andre might be fucked, because he's starting Clinton Portis who will play sparingly if at all, and if he tries to put Betts in after the games have started, I don't think he'll be able to because he's in his IR spot and would have to make a roster change that I'm not sure would be allowed.
FUBAR by 7
Cholish Chachfaces vs. Manatee Eaters
The Muck & Chark classic.
Eaters by 5
Pet Monkey vs. Chip Lohmiller
Might be close, but I've got Billy by a (button) nose.
Monkey by 2
Last week: 4-2
Overall: 39-21
NBD - Week 11 Preview
Fun wedding in the city last night = short write-ups for predictions this morning.
Stadler & Waldorf vs. Tri Steeg Area
The winning streak continues.
S&W by 8
CH Croakies vs. Mephistopheles
Cedric Benson, back in the starting lineup.
Croakies by 4
Chestpubes & Ballfro vs. Woody's Warriors
I'm hoping for an unwelcome return for Tony Romo, but think Roddy White going against the Champ-less Broncos will more than make up for it.
C&B by 10
Dutch Rudders vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs
I'm going to become a professional football player and lead my team to an undefeated season just so I can punch Mercury Morris in the face.
MRLD by 12
$5 Foot Long vs. Burke City Giants
The beginning of the end for Michael Toobin.
Finski by 6
Wyld Stallyns vs. Lassard Blows Harris
Prediction: One of DeYoung's players will suffer a serious injury today.
LBH by 8
Last week: 3-3
Overall: 38-22
11.15.2008
11.14.2008
BIFL - Week 10 Review
Normally, I spend an entire weeknight writing one of these weekly reviews. Sure, I'll watch PTI, eat dinner, watch NBA hoops, play Rock Band, and practice my piano while I'm writing it, but it's still like a 5 hour process. This week, however, I've run out of weeknights and I'm planning on leaving the house in about an hour to try to meet up with Billy and Danny Lee for drinks before we spend the rest of the weekend at Chip Hamner wedding festivities, so time is very short. I'm gonna try to just bang it out. If there are typos, grammatical errors, or sentences that simply don't make sense, bear with me.
So, we're closing in on the playoffs, with only three weeks to go. And since we haven't changed the schedule one bit from last year, that means everybody's got at least one intradivisional match-up and one geographical rivalry game on their plate. Some of those geographies have changed since last year so that the match-ups don't make sense anymore, but the point is the next three weeks are crucially important. I'm pretty awful at calculating "If X then Y but not Z" type situations (though I do know that Coke Zero is more like Coke than it is like Diet Coke and also more like Coke than Diet Coke is -- graph it) so I'm not gonna be able to tell you exactly who needs to win which games and what all the permutations of possible playoff teams are. Maybe our mathier commish can handle that one. What I can do is add up numbers, and then divide them, so that's what I did. I took the results from the last five weeks and calculated each team's average points per game. Then I compared the ppg's of the teams that play each other over the next three weeks, and determined the probable result of those games.
Some of my findings were shocking: Soutendijk, for example, has averaged 98.4 ppg over the past 5 weeks, 4th highest in the league. I, on the other hand, have averaged 90.7 ppg (7th) and yet I've won 4 games in a row over teams with otherwise excellent records. If our scoring trends hold, though, Soutendijk can expect to win all three of his final games, and I can expect to lose all three. This will put him, incredibly, into the playoffs, and leave me out. God I hope the numbers lie. Here's what my statistical projections do for the rest of you.
FUBAR averages 91.5ppg to go 1-2 in his final three games.
Sky Vault Centurions average 100.9ppg to go 3-0 in their final three.
Egon Spengler averages 90.7ppg to go 0-3.
Cholish Chachfaces average 86.6 to go 1-2.
Santonio Holmes averages 90.9 to go 2-1.
Alligator Fuckhouse averages 98.4 to go 3-0.
Manatee Eaters average 76.7 to go 0-3.
Jeff Stryker is a total faggot averages 114.6 to go 3-0.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon averages 82.7 to go 1-2.
Chip Lohmiller averages 108.5 to go 3-0.
Pet Monkey averages 88.0 to go 1-2.
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts average 71.5 to go 0-3.
I have no doubt that many, if not most of those projections will be proven wrong, but that's what would happen if everybody performed exactly as they have for the past five weeks. If that were to happen, your playoff teams would be:
Jeff Stryker, 9-4
Sky Vault Centurions, 9-4
Chip Lohmiller, 8-5
FUBAR, 7-5-1
Manatee Eaters, 7-6
Alligator Fuckhouse, 7-6
And the rest of us will be rocking it out in the consolation bracket. I have no doubt that at least one of the teams mentioned there will not make it, and one of the teams not mentioned will, but Dick, Bardey, Chalski, Meyers and I are all, statistically speaking, fighting uphill battles to make it into the playoffs. Justin is not so much fighting an uphill battle as he is attempting to scale a sheer cliff, carrying a sack of paperweights, with only a pair of dull plastic forks.
Before we get too caught up in what's to come, though, let's take a look back at what has been.
Week 10:
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 78.5, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 113
See? Statistics would have predicted that Will would beat Justin, and he did! Then again, a blind, deaf alien from the planet Xirkon probably could have predicted this outcome. Kurt Warner (27) and Adrian Peterson (30) had their customary big days, scoring more than 50% of Stryker's points for the week. I still wouldn't trust Adrian Peterson to get me into and through the playoffs healthy, but he has gotten through Week 10 and this week put up his sixth and bet-deciding 15+ point game. I now owe Will 20 bucks and a swift kick in the nuts. Guess which one's getting delivered first? As for Juse, he actually got some decent outings from Brandon Marshall (14) and Tony Gonzalez (25), but his snake-bitten season continues with yet another running back going down. This time it was Jamaal Charles, who was hobbled by ankle trouble, gaining only 8 yards on 3 carries. That made him two points better, however, than Jake Delhomme, who was absolutely atrocious last week, against the Raiders, no less.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 82.5, Santonio's Blunts 104.5
The key to a good blunt is the distribution, and Bardey has clearly learned that from his team's namesake as evidenced by the balance of his attack this week. Five Blunts scored in double figures this week, including Donovan McNabb (20), Matt Forte (16), Marques Colston (14), Ryan Grant (13), and Ray Lewis with an impressive 10 defensive points without a pick-six. Holmes himself (2 pts) apparently spent the whole game asking Mike Tomlin if he thought it was "weird, when you really think about it, how we dress ourselves up in these ridiculous costumes every week and run around this field chasing after a pig skin when there's so much suffering and destruction going on in the world. Man." Also I think Steve Smith (0) actually rode to the game with Santonio, which is weird in itself because one was playing in Pittsburgh and the other was in Oakland. Some trippy shit.
Egon Spengler 91.5, FUBAR 91
Speaking of trippy shit, the ending of this game was ridiculous. Going into Monday night, I was trailing Spencer by a decent amount and had Isaac Bruce and Anquan Boldin going against his Frank Gore. With Boldin (22) having another huge night and Gore getting some decent yardage but no TD's, I was closing in all night. But coming down to San Fran's final drive, I was still down 94-91.5 with only Isaac Bruce able to catch me up. I was hoping they might toss it to him in the end zone, but from the 3-yard line, the dynamic duo of Singletary and Martz called two straight run plays, first with Gore, then with Michael Robinson. Neither got in the end zone, and the game was over. I conceded victory. But then an amazing thing happened: 3 points just disappeared from Spence's score. As it turns out, that unsuccessful touchdown run by Frank Gore had actually lost a yard, and that yard brought him from 100 on the night to 99. That means a yardage score of 9, rather than 10, and the loss of the 2-point 100+ bonus. 1 yard and 3 points later, I was the victor. Spencer ended the night by declaring that he was gonna go slit his wrists. I hope that's not true, if only because I need him to beat up on Sky Vault and Holmes the next couple weeks to help my playoff chances. You've got so much to live for, Spence! Think of the Nooch!!!
Sky Vault Centurions 121, Cholish Chachfaces 82
You know what? I gotta go. So I'm gonna post for now, and then try to come back and add to this when I get home drunk tonight. Should be interesting.
So I'm back, and not nearly as drunk as could have been expected. You know who's drunk, though? Mam Siotke. Spent the latter part of this evening holding him up and watching his girlfriend scold him. Good times. Anyways...
The Centurions are strong to quite strong, to really incredibly fucking strong. How strong are they? Two of Dre's boys went blank and he still had the high score of the week. That's what happens I guess when three guys combine for 80 points (Cutler 35, Jacobs 24, Mewelde 21). To me, Sky Vault looks like the dominant team heading into the home stretch. Keep in mind that the team leader, Clinton Portis, didn't play this week (and it looks like won't play again next week) but should be healthy in time for the playoffs. And can you ask for more dependable receivers in terms of getting you at least 9-10 pts a week than Larry Fitzgerald and Hines Ward? Ok, ok. I'll get off the good Doctor's jock now. Let's focus on Chalski's jock instead, which like the actual Cholach's jock in college, was pretty much completely devoid of scoring this week. 21 out of Reggie Waye is certainly nice, as is the customary 18 by Philip Rivers, but most of the rest of this team falls under the label of 2008 disappointment.
Manatee Eaters 59.5, Chip Lohmiller 113
Here's what I said in my preview last week: "Wow. Dekker is starting Joe Flacco this week. Normally that'd be enough for me to declare Chuck the winner." So, I'm dumb. My apologies to Dekker, Joe, and the entire Flacco family. Apparently the guy's a stud, I just didn't recognize what a football factory the fucking Delaware Fightin' Blue Hen program was. Joe the Passer went for 21 points, which was good for only the 3rd-highest scorer on the Lohmiller roster behind Maurice Jones-Drew (27) and Eddie Royal (24). And what can I say about Chuck's team that I haven't already said? They are jokers. Pretenders. Posers. Their 7-3, West-leading record disgusts me, and what disgusts me even more is that they'll probably slide into the playoffs on the strength of their flukey early-season dominance, while my team is still fighting for our playoff lives. Having trouble breaking that elusive 65-point barrier, Chuckles? Well, that's probably just a one-week aberration, right? Oh wait, it's happened three of the past four weeks. I might feel bad about all this McNut-hating if I wasn't such a Minnesota Bearcats supporter in years past. But this season, it just isn't deserved.
Pet Monkey 72, Alligator Fuckhouse 117
Speaking of hating on BIFL teams, I've given Souts' squad a lot of shit this year here on Lassard.com, or whatever the fuck it's called*, but it's time for me to eat my words. For the past month or so, this has been a fuckhouse on fire, and this rout of team rhinoplasty was no exception (p.s. saw the new schnozz tonight, and Billy's hardly recognizable. have you guys seen Dirty Dancing's Jennifer Grey since she got her shit done? it's like that. whole new person.) Leading the Fuckhouse was wahoo-wah Thomas Jones (34), who has really been coming on strong lately in the Jets' high-powered offense. Normally a good quarterback can open things up for a running back, but I actually think the opposite has happened with Brett Favre. He's made so many dumbass fucktard throws this season that I think teams just sit back in pass coverage assuming that they'll grab a few easy interceptions, and don't even think about the holes that D'Brick, Mangold et al are creating for the running game. Kellen Winslow (23) and Matt Ryan (19) also made solid contributions for AF this week, whereas nothing for Pet Monkey was particularly solid other than the fact that he featured an IDP named Dewayne. Love that 'e' in there, letting you know "this guy's name is pronounced the way black people pronounce it."
And... there goes the thumping that means the girl in the room above me is getting boffed. That's gonna do it for me [retrieves lotion from under bed].
*ok, so i'm a little drunk
So, we're closing in on the playoffs, with only three weeks to go. And since we haven't changed the schedule one bit from last year, that means everybody's got at least one intradivisional match-up and one geographical rivalry game on their plate. Some of those geographies have changed since last year so that the match-ups don't make sense anymore, but the point is the next three weeks are crucially important. I'm pretty awful at calculating "If X then Y but not Z" type situations (though I do know that Coke Zero is more like Coke than it is like Diet Coke and also more like Coke than Diet Coke is -- graph it) so I'm not gonna be able to tell you exactly who needs to win which games and what all the permutations of possible playoff teams are. Maybe our mathier commish can handle that one. What I can do is add up numbers, and then divide them, so that's what I did. I took the results from the last five weeks and calculated each team's average points per game. Then I compared the ppg's of the teams that play each other over the next three weeks, and determined the probable result of those games.
Some of my findings were shocking: Soutendijk, for example, has averaged 98.4 ppg over the past 5 weeks, 4th highest in the league. I, on the other hand, have averaged 90.7 ppg (7th) and yet I've won 4 games in a row over teams with otherwise excellent records. If our scoring trends hold, though, Soutendijk can expect to win all three of his final games, and I can expect to lose all three. This will put him, incredibly, into the playoffs, and leave me out. God I hope the numbers lie. Here's what my statistical projections do for the rest of you.
FUBAR averages 91.5ppg to go 1-2 in his final three games.
Sky Vault Centurions average 100.9ppg to go 3-0 in their final three.
Egon Spengler averages 90.7ppg to go 0-3.
Cholish Chachfaces average 86.6 to go 1-2.
Santonio Holmes averages 90.9 to go 2-1.
Alligator Fuckhouse averages 98.4 to go 3-0.
Manatee Eaters average 76.7 to go 0-3.
Jeff Stryker is a total faggot averages 114.6 to go 3-0.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon averages 82.7 to go 1-2.
Chip Lohmiller averages 108.5 to go 3-0.
Pet Monkey averages 88.0 to go 1-2.
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts average 71.5 to go 0-3.
I have no doubt that many, if not most of those projections will be proven wrong, but that's what would happen if everybody performed exactly as they have for the past five weeks. If that were to happen, your playoff teams would be:
Jeff Stryker, 9-4
Sky Vault Centurions, 9-4
Chip Lohmiller, 8-5
FUBAR, 7-5-1
Manatee Eaters, 7-6
Alligator Fuckhouse, 7-6
And the rest of us will be rocking it out in the consolation bracket. I have no doubt that at least one of the teams mentioned there will not make it, and one of the teams not mentioned will, but Dick, Bardey, Chalski, Meyers and I are all, statistically speaking, fighting uphill battles to make it into the playoffs. Justin is not so much fighting an uphill battle as he is attempting to scale a sheer cliff, carrying a sack of paperweights, with only a pair of dull plastic forks.
Before we get too caught up in what's to come, though, let's take a look back at what has been.
Week 10:
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 78.5, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 113
See? Statistics would have predicted that Will would beat Justin, and he did! Then again, a blind, deaf alien from the planet Xirkon probably could have predicted this outcome. Kurt Warner (27) and Adrian Peterson (30) had their customary big days, scoring more than 50% of Stryker's points for the week. I still wouldn't trust Adrian Peterson to get me into and through the playoffs healthy, but he has gotten through Week 10 and this week put up his sixth and bet-deciding 15+ point game. I now owe Will 20 bucks and a swift kick in the nuts. Guess which one's getting delivered first? As for Juse, he actually got some decent outings from Brandon Marshall (14) and Tony Gonzalez (25), but his snake-bitten season continues with yet another running back going down. This time it was Jamaal Charles, who was hobbled by ankle trouble, gaining only 8 yards on 3 carries. That made him two points better, however, than Jake Delhomme, who was absolutely atrocious last week, against the Raiders, no less.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 82.5, Santonio's Blunts 104.5
The key to a good blunt is the distribution, and Bardey has clearly learned that from his team's namesake as evidenced by the balance of his attack this week. Five Blunts scored in double figures this week, including Donovan McNabb (20), Matt Forte (16), Marques Colston (14), Ryan Grant (13), and Ray Lewis with an impressive 10 defensive points without a pick-six. Holmes himself (2 pts) apparently spent the whole game asking Mike Tomlin if he thought it was "weird, when you really think about it, how we dress ourselves up in these ridiculous costumes every week and run around this field chasing after a pig skin when there's so much suffering and destruction going on in the world. Man." Also I think Steve Smith (0) actually rode to the game with Santonio, which is weird in itself because one was playing in Pittsburgh and the other was in Oakland. Some trippy shit.
Egon Spengler 91.5, FUBAR 91
Speaking of trippy shit, the ending of this game was ridiculous. Going into Monday night, I was trailing Spencer by a decent amount and had Isaac Bruce and Anquan Boldin going against his Frank Gore. With Boldin (22) having another huge night and Gore getting some decent yardage but no TD's, I was closing in all night. But coming down to San Fran's final drive, I was still down 94-91.5 with only Isaac Bruce able to catch me up. I was hoping they might toss it to him in the end zone, but from the 3-yard line, the dynamic duo of Singletary and Martz called two straight run plays, first with Gore, then with Michael Robinson. Neither got in the end zone, and the game was over. I conceded victory. But then an amazing thing happened: 3 points just disappeared from Spence's score. As it turns out, that unsuccessful touchdown run by Frank Gore had actually lost a yard, and that yard brought him from 100 on the night to 99. That means a yardage score of 9, rather than 10, and the loss of the 2-point 100+ bonus. 1 yard and 3 points later, I was the victor. Spencer ended the night by declaring that he was gonna go slit his wrists. I hope that's not true, if only because I need him to beat up on Sky Vault and Holmes the next couple weeks to help my playoff chances. You've got so much to live for, Spence! Think of the Nooch!!!
Sky Vault Centurions 121, Cholish Chachfaces 82
You know what? I gotta go. So I'm gonna post for now, and then try to come back and add to this when I get home drunk tonight. Should be interesting.
So I'm back, and not nearly as drunk as could have been expected. You know who's drunk, though? Mam Siotke. Spent the latter part of this evening holding him up and watching his girlfriend scold him. Good times. Anyways...
The Centurions are strong to quite strong, to really incredibly fucking strong. How strong are they? Two of Dre's boys went blank and he still had the high score of the week. That's what happens I guess when three guys combine for 80 points (Cutler 35, Jacobs 24, Mewelde 21). To me, Sky Vault looks like the dominant team heading into the home stretch. Keep in mind that the team leader, Clinton Portis, didn't play this week (and it looks like won't play again next week) but should be healthy in time for the playoffs. And can you ask for more dependable receivers in terms of getting you at least 9-10 pts a week than Larry Fitzgerald and Hines Ward? Ok, ok. I'll get off the good Doctor's jock now. Let's focus on Chalski's jock instead, which like the actual Cholach's jock in college, was pretty much completely devoid of scoring this week. 21 out of Reggie Waye is certainly nice, as is the customary 18 by Philip Rivers, but most of the rest of this team falls under the label of 2008 disappointment.
Manatee Eaters 59.5, Chip Lohmiller 113
Here's what I said in my preview last week: "Wow. Dekker is starting Joe Flacco this week. Normally that'd be enough for me to declare Chuck the winner." So, I'm dumb. My apologies to Dekker, Joe, and the entire Flacco family. Apparently the guy's a stud, I just didn't recognize what a football factory the fucking Delaware Fightin' Blue Hen program was. Joe the Passer went for 21 points, which was good for only the 3rd-highest scorer on the Lohmiller roster behind Maurice Jones-Drew (27) and Eddie Royal (24). And what can I say about Chuck's team that I haven't already said? They are jokers. Pretenders. Posers. Their 7-3, West-leading record disgusts me, and what disgusts me even more is that they'll probably slide into the playoffs on the strength of their flukey early-season dominance, while my team is still fighting for our playoff lives. Having trouble breaking that elusive 65-point barrier, Chuckles? Well, that's probably just a one-week aberration, right? Oh wait, it's happened three of the past four weeks. I might feel bad about all this McNut-hating if I wasn't such a Minnesota Bearcats supporter in years past. But this season, it just isn't deserved.
Pet Monkey 72, Alligator Fuckhouse 117
Speaking of hating on BIFL teams, I've given Souts' squad a lot of shit this year here on Lassard.com, or whatever the fuck it's called*, but it's time for me to eat my words. For the past month or so, this has been a fuckhouse on fire, and this rout of team rhinoplasty was no exception (p.s. saw the new schnozz tonight, and Billy's hardly recognizable. have you guys seen Dirty Dancing's Jennifer Grey since she got her shit done? it's like that. whole new person.) Leading the Fuckhouse was wahoo-wah Thomas Jones (34), who has really been coming on strong lately in the Jets' high-powered offense. Normally a good quarterback can open things up for a running back, but I actually think the opposite has happened with Brett Favre. He's made so many dumbass fucktard throws this season that I think teams just sit back in pass coverage assuming that they'll grab a few easy interceptions, and don't even think about the holes that D'Brick, Mangold et al are creating for the running game. Kellen Winslow (23) and Matt Ryan (19) also made solid contributions for AF this week, whereas nothing for Pet Monkey was particularly solid other than the fact that he featured an IDP named Dewayne. Love that 'e' in there, letting you know "this guy's name is pronounced the way black people pronounce it."
And... there goes the thumping that means the girl in the room above me is getting boffed. That's gonna do it for me [retrieves lotion from under bed].
*ok, so i'm a little drunk
11.12.2008
NBD - Week 10 Review
Well, gentlemen, we're headed into the home stretch of the fantasy season, with only three weeks' worth of games before our playoffs begin. With that in mind, and with so many teams bunched in the middle with 4-6, 5-5, or 6-4 records, I decided to look ahead and see what we might expect to happen in these final three regular season weeks. Unfortunately, despite being a literary genius in two languages and having even passed the bc calculus exam in high school (thanks, Ms. DeMaria!), I am absolute shit at holding and calculating combinations in my head. Once I get past, like, two possible combinations, I'm done. And with 12 teams playing each other over three weeks, there are like probably at least 4 possible combinations that could happen. It may be more, I'm not sure. There's something about a factorial.
So but anyways, here's how I decided to predict the remainder of the season. First, I looked at each team's performance over the past 5 weeks to get an idea of what we could expect from each team in their current configurations. The big surprise here was that the top scorer over the past 5 weeks has been none other than yours truly! That's right, in the second half of the season I've averaged a whopping 98.1 points per game. I am followed, not surprisingly, by the 7-3 $5 Foot Long (96.4ppg), then the somewhat surprising CH Croakies (96.0ppg), and then the extremely surprising Woody's Warriors (94.9ppg). So once I determined each team's points-per-game average, I compared each team to their upcoming opponents and established a probable record for their next three games. Adding this probable record to their established record, I was able to determine who will make the playoffs. The results may shock you:
Team / Current Record / Final-3 Prediction / Final Record
$5 Foot Long / 7-3 / W-W-W / 10-3
Matt Ryan Loves Dogs / 7-3 / W-L-W / 9-4
Wyld Stallyns / 7-3 / L-W-L / 8-5
Lassard Blows Harris / 5-5 / W-W-W / 8-5
CH Croakies / 5-5 / W-L-W / 7-6
Stadler & Waldorf / 4-6 / W-W-W / 7-6
Chestpubes & Ballfro / 5-5 / L-W-L / 6-7
Burke City Giants / 6-4 / L-L-L / 6-7
Woody's Warriors / 3-7 / W-W-L / 5-8
Tri Steeg Area / 5-5 / L-L-L / 5-8
Dutch Rudders / 3-7 / L-L-W / 4-9
Mephistopheles / 3-7 / L-L-L / 3-10
That's right, bitches. If the trends of the last 5 weeks hold, you'll be seeing Stadler & Waldorf in the playoffs. Now, we all know that fantasy football is not nearly as predictable as simple statistical projections, and that so much is based on weekly match-ups, injuries, and simple luck. But it is interesting to see the possibilities here, including the very real chance that a team like the Burke City Giants, who currently sit alone at the #4 spot with a 6-4 record, could bomb out of the playoffs, while a team like mine which languished in last place for most of the season could sneak in. The important games will be those between the teams currently 4-6, 5-5, or 6-4. I'll be highlighting those each week in my Previews. For now, though, let's take a gander back at NBD '08 Week 10.
Stadler & Waldorf 113.32, Mephistopheles 103.68
Despite their usual standings as league pincushions, the Tarasovics came out fighting this week, and of course it was at the expense of each other. Ray J's been getting big numbers out of Drew Brees (23) and occasional breakouts from DeSean Jackson (15) all year, but the rest of his big showing this week came from some unexpected sources. I was flabbergasted to see my own draftee, Ricky Williams, enter the Mephistophelian revolving door of running backs, and even flabbergasted-er to see him drop 19 points on me during the early games. And Todd Heap (18)? I honestly thought he was dead. But those pleasant surprises weren't pleasant enough in the face of the Stadler & Waldorf onslaught. The rookie combo of Matt Ryan (18) and Matt Forte (19) continues to impress. This week they received some veteran assistance in the form of Tony Gonzalez's biggest day of the season, and Gonzo's second touchdown in the waning moments of the Kansas City-San Diego game was a huge difference-maker in this one. Later that night, Brandon Jacobs' 23-point outing sealed the deal, putting the game out of the reach of Ray's Monday Night kicker, Neil Rackers (11).
CH Croakies 127.80, Woody's Warriors 84.90
I had hoped that my 113-point outing would be enough to secure me top scorer honors for the second week in a row, but I was even't close to matching the week 10 Croakies squad. The Croakies, who had yet to top 104 points this season, went way beyond that in pouring it on over the hapless Warriors, with almost the entire team in double-digits. Leading the way were Adrian Peterson (29) and the Green Bay Defense (20), which seems somewhat paradoxical considering that they were playing each other. In looking back at my Week 10 Preview, I'm sort of shocked that I didn't take Elliott to task for the fact that he was starting Joe Flacco and Kevin Smith, but I'm glad I didn't. Flacco (18) is apparently eager to show everyone that Matt Ryan is not the only rookie quarterback who can lead his team to success, and Kevin Smith (18) hasn't remotely matched fellow NFC North rookie rusher Matt Forte this season, but he came pretty close on Sunday. With all of these big performances from the Croakies, we shouldn't overlook the huge day by Woody's Maurice Jones-Drew (27), who persists in being an all-or-nothing fantasy play. Unfortunately for Woody, he blew one of his "all's" on a day when most of the rest of the Warriors brought nothing, and some brought even less (I'm looking at you, Marc Bulger's -0.4 pts).
Chestpubes & Ballfro 79.26, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 88.42
The Mercenary Award for the week goes to Brady Quinn, who was picked up by Colly last Wednesday, scored 18 points for him on Thursday, and was promptly sent back to the waiver wire this Wednesday. One has to question the wisdom of such a quick drop, especially considering that Quinn was Chestpubes & Ballfro's leading scorer last week. Perhaps his sculpted and likely clean-shaven torso simply did not jibe with the C & B ethos. He certainly did not seem to inspire his teammates to greatness, as the only other decent scorers for Colly this week, Roddy White (13) and LaDainian Tomlinson (11), were actually well below what you'd hope for from them. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs continued their march towards the top of the rankings with a fourth straight win. Most of Koehler's squad was pretty lame this week (5 points or less for 5 starters), but when Thomas Jones (33) has the biggest day of his fantasy career and Kurt Warner (25) continues his campaign for MVP with his third straight 20+ point game, much lameness can be overcome.
The Dutch Rudders 79.54, Burke City Giants 101.08
I was unfamiliar with the term "Dutch Rudder" before Derek chose it as his name a little while back, and an Urban Dictionary search still leaves some equivocation as to whether it refers to a man getting masturbatory assistance from another person controlling their arm movements, or the act of steering another person around a room by sticking your dick up their ass. Either way, Michael Toobin is probably horrified, even though his team effectively cock-caulked Derek's this weekend and forced Eli Manning (15), LenDale White (8) and company to hold the arms of DeAngelo Williams (20), Reggie Wayne (17) and Michael Turner (16) as they brought themselves to completion all over the faces of the New York Giants' Defense (25). Man, I'm glad we've got Dads in the league.
[Note: to complete the Dad freak-out, I just did a video search for "Dutch Rudder" to try to embed in the blog, but my browser froze and broke down. I thought I had lost this entire post, which probably would have served me right. But the auto-save feature brought me back to life, demonstrating the wonderful convenience of modern computers. Then again, this same wonderful convenience is what will bring up "Dutch Rudder" everytime somebody using my computer searches for something starting with the letter D from now on. Win some, lose some.]
$5 Foot Long 90.08, Lassard Blows Harris 108.16
I was just talking to a buddy of mine about how each of us had traded for Anquan Boldin a few weeks back in other fantasy leagues, and how smug and happy we felt for having unloaded our useless players for a guy who has simply exploded over the past month. Papkin actually drafted Boldin, who led his team with 23 this week, so he's probably not quite as taken with Q as we are, but he's gotta be loving the production he's getting out of his 4th-rounder. His 1st-rounder, it should be noted, was Willie Parker, which might have been crippling for some owners, but Papkin's astute pick-up of his replacement, Mewelde Moore (23), has paid huge dividends. This week, Boldin and Moore were enough to take down the league's top team, though I should add that they got a significant helping hand from Donovan McNabb (22), who is amazingly 10 weeks into the season without a ruptured spleen, concave meniscus, or split gash. Haller got the week off to a huge start on Thursday night thanks to Cutler, Marshall and Torain (60 combined points), but could only manage half that from all the rest of his guys on Sunday. With Torain done for the season and Portis struggling with a strained MCL, Haller's regular season powerhouse may be limping into the playoffs - wait, he's got BenJarvus Green-Ellis, too? What the fuck have the rest of us been doing with the waiver wire?
Wyld Stallyns 78.84, Tri Steeg Area 60.10
Like the lungs of these two owners, this was a hideous pair of performances. Both of these rosters featured 0-fers this week, but while I'm pretty sure DeYoung should have known ahead of time that Steven Jackson wasn't going to play, Manning probably had no reason to suspect that Bernard Berrian wasn't going to show up, especially after his dominance the past few weeks.
[program interruption: just watched Rudy Fernandez hit a nasty jumper after a spin move to ice this game for Portland. Go Blazers! Also, Oden appears to have made it through an entire game without hurting himself. Way to go, G.O.]
Back to the Stallyns-Steegers match-up: Ultimately, DeYoung's early advantage thanks to Eddie Royal's big Thursday night (22) proved to be the difference in this one. Peyton Manning (20) made an effort to bring the game back into reach, but the rest of the Area did next to nothing to help (Lee Evans - 2, Jonathan Stewart - 2, Owen Daniels -1).
Thus ends another exciting week of NBD football. Things are really heating up in the playoff race; tune back in this weekend for a preview of all the important match-ups in Week 11.
So but anyways, here's how I decided to predict the remainder of the season. First, I looked at each team's performance over the past 5 weeks to get an idea of what we could expect from each team in their current configurations. The big surprise here was that the top scorer over the past 5 weeks has been none other than yours truly! That's right, in the second half of the season I've averaged a whopping 98.1 points per game. I am followed, not surprisingly, by the 7-3 $5 Foot Long (96.4ppg), then the somewhat surprising CH Croakies (96.0ppg), and then the extremely surprising Woody's Warriors (94.9ppg). So once I determined each team's points-per-game average, I compared each team to their upcoming opponents and established a probable record for their next three games. Adding this probable record to their established record, I was able to determine who will make the playoffs. The results may shock you:
Team / Current Record / Final-3 Prediction / Final Record
$5 Foot Long / 7-3 / W-W-W / 10-3
Matt Ryan Loves Dogs / 7-3 / W-L-W / 9-4
Wyld Stallyns / 7-3 / L-W-L / 8-5
Lassard Blows Harris / 5-5 / W-W-W / 8-5
CH Croakies / 5-5 / W-L-W / 7-6
Stadler & Waldorf / 4-6 / W-W-W / 7-6
Chestpubes & Ballfro / 5-5 / L-W-L / 6-7
Burke City Giants / 6-4 / L-L-L / 6-7
Woody's Warriors / 3-7 / W-W-L / 5-8
Tri Steeg Area / 5-5 / L-L-L / 5-8
Dutch Rudders / 3-7 / L-L-W / 4-9
Mephistopheles / 3-7 / L-L-L / 3-10
That's right, bitches. If the trends of the last 5 weeks hold, you'll be seeing Stadler & Waldorf in the playoffs. Now, we all know that fantasy football is not nearly as predictable as simple statistical projections, and that so much is based on weekly match-ups, injuries, and simple luck. But it is interesting to see the possibilities here, including the very real chance that a team like the Burke City Giants, who currently sit alone at the #4 spot with a 6-4 record, could bomb out of the playoffs, while a team like mine which languished in last place for most of the season could sneak in. The important games will be those between the teams currently 4-6, 5-5, or 6-4. I'll be highlighting those each week in my Previews. For now, though, let's take a gander back at NBD '08 Week 10.
Stadler & Waldorf 113.32, Mephistopheles 103.68
Despite their usual standings as league pincushions, the Tarasovics came out fighting this week, and of course it was at the expense of each other. Ray J's been getting big numbers out of Drew Brees (23) and occasional breakouts from DeSean Jackson (15) all year, but the rest of his big showing this week came from some unexpected sources. I was flabbergasted to see my own draftee, Ricky Williams, enter the Mephistophelian revolving door of running backs, and even flabbergasted-er to see him drop 19 points on me during the early games. And Todd Heap (18)? I honestly thought he was dead. But those pleasant surprises weren't pleasant enough in the face of the Stadler & Waldorf onslaught. The rookie combo of Matt Ryan (18) and Matt Forte (19) continues to impress. This week they received some veteran assistance in the form of Tony Gonzalez's biggest day of the season, and Gonzo's second touchdown in the waning moments of the Kansas City-San Diego game was a huge difference-maker in this one. Later that night, Brandon Jacobs' 23-point outing sealed the deal, putting the game out of the reach of Ray's Monday Night kicker, Neil Rackers (11).
CH Croakies 127.80, Woody's Warriors 84.90
I had hoped that my 113-point outing would be enough to secure me top scorer honors for the second week in a row, but I was even't close to matching the week 10 Croakies squad. The Croakies, who had yet to top 104 points this season, went way beyond that in pouring it on over the hapless Warriors, with almost the entire team in double-digits. Leading the way were Adrian Peterson (29) and the Green Bay Defense (20), which seems somewhat paradoxical considering that they were playing each other. In looking back at my Week 10 Preview, I'm sort of shocked that I didn't take Elliott to task for the fact that he was starting Joe Flacco and Kevin Smith, but I'm glad I didn't. Flacco (18) is apparently eager to show everyone that Matt Ryan is not the only rookie quarterback who can lead his team to success, and Kevin Smith (18) hasn't remotely matched fellow NFC North rookie rusher Matt Forte this season, but he came pretty close on Sunday. With all of these big performances from the Croakies, we shouldn't overlook the huge day by Woody's Maurice Jones-Drew (27), who persists in being an all-or-nothing fantasy play. Unfortunately for Woody, he blew one of his "all's" on a day when most of the rest of the Warriors brought nothing, and some brought even less (I'm looking at you, Marc Bulger's -0.4 pts).
Chestpubes & Ballfro 79.26, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 88.42
The Mercenary Award for the week goes to Brady Quinn, who was picked up by Colly last Wednesday, scored 18 points for him on Thursday, and was promptly sent back to the waiver wire this Wednesday. One has to question the wisdom of such a quick drop, especially considering that Quinn was Chestpubes & Ballfro's leading scorer last week. Perhaps his sculpted and likely clean-shaven torso simply did not jibe with the C & B ethos. He certainly did not seem to inspire his teammates to greatness, as the only other decent scorers for Colly this week, Roddy White (13) and LaDainian Tomlinson (11), were actually well below what you'd hope for from them. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs continued their march towards the top of the rankings with a fourth straight win. Most of Koehler's squad was pretty lame this week (5 points or less for 5 starters), but when Thomas Jones (33) has the biggest day of his fantasy career and Kurt Warner (25) continues his campaign for MVP with his third straight 20+ point game, much lameness can be overcome.
The Dutch Rudders 79.54, Burke City Giants 101.08
I was unfamiliar with the term "Dutch Rudder" before Derek chose it as his name a little while back, and an Urban Dictionary search still leaves some equivocation as to whether it refers to a man getting masturbatory assistance from another person controlling their arm movements, or the act of steering another person around a room by sticking your dick up their ass. Either way, Michael Toobin is probably horrified, even though his team effectively cock-caulked Derek's this weekend and forced Eli Manning (15), LenDale White (8) and company to hold the arms of DeAngelo Williams (20), Reggie Wayne (17) and Michael Turner (16) as they brought themselves to completion all over the faces of the New York Giants' Defense (25). Man, I'm glad we've got Dads in the league.
[Note: to complete the Dad freak-out, I just did a video search for "Dutch Rudder" to try to embed in the blog, but my browser froze and broke down. I thought I had lost this entire post, which probably would have served me right. But the auto-save feature brought me back to life, demonstrating the wonderful convenience of modern computers. Then again, this same wonderful convenience is what will bring up "Dutch Rudder" everytime somebody using my computer searches for something starting with the letter D from now on. Win some, lose some.]
$5 Foot Long 90.08, Lassard Blows Harris 108.16
I was just talking to a buddy of mine about how each of us had traded for Anquan Boldin a few weeks back in other fantasy leagues, and how smug and happy we felt for having unloaded our useless players for a guy who has simply exploded over the past month. Papkin actually drafted Boldin, who led his team with 23 this week, so he's probably not quite as taken with Q as we are, but he's gotta be loving the production he's getting out of his 4th-rounder. His 1st-rounder, it should be noted, was Willie Parker, which might have been crippling for some owners, but Papkin's astute pick-up of his replacement, Mewelde Moore (23), has paid huge dividends. This week, Boldin and Moore were enough to take down the league's top team, though I should add that they got a significant helping hand from Donovan McNabb (22), who is amazingly 10 weeks into the season without a ruptured spleen, concave meniscus, or split gash. Haller got the week off to a huge start on Thursday night thanks to Cutler, Marshall and Torain (60 combined points), but could only manage half that from all the rest of his guys on Sunday. With Torain done for the season and Portis struggling with a strained MCL, Haller's regular season powerhouse may be limping into the playoffs - wait, he's got BenJarvus Green-Ellis, too? What the fuck have the rest of us been doing with the waiver wire?
Wyld Stallyns 78.84, Tri Steeg Area 60.10
Like the lungs of these two owners, this was a hideous pair of performances. Both of these rosters featured 0-fers this week, but while I'm pretty sure DeYoung should have known ahead of time that Steven Jackson wasn't going to play, Manning probably had no reason to suspect that Bernard Berrian wasn't going to show up, especially after his dominance the past few weeks.
[program interruption: just watched Rudy Fernandez hit a nasty jumper after a spin move to ice this game for Portland. Go Blazers! Also, Oden appears to have made it through an entire game without hurting himself. Way to go, G.O.]
Back to the Stallyns-Steegers match-up: Ultimately, DeYoung's early advantage thanks to Eddie Royal's big Thursday night (22) proved to be the difference in this one. Peyton Manning (20) made an effort to bring the game back into reach, but the rest of the Area did next to nothing to help (Lee Evans - 2, Jonathan Stewart - 2, Owen Daniels -1).
Thus ends another exciting week of NBD football. Things are really heating up in the playoff race; tune back in this weekend for a preview of all the important match-ups in Week 11.
11.09.2008
BIFL - Week 10 Preview
Whoops! Was hoping to do an expansive preview this week, but I just woke up on Sunday morning with not a lot of time til the games start, so I'll dive right in and hopefully get these done with enough time to find a weird nature picture and a hot lady.
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-7) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (5-4)
OK so we already know a little bit about this game: Ryan Torain, Brandon Marshall, and D'Qwell Jackson have already gone for Juse. Just when it looked like Justin had found a running back who would be productive and healthy, Torain destroyed his knee. What Shoaf is to quarterbacks, Juse is to running backs. Anyway, Will also had one guy play already, but you would hardly know it by his score, since Braylon Edwards managed a mere point. Even with a lead, though, I don't see the Argos staying ahead of Kurt Warner going against the Niners and Adrian Peterson going against the Packers.
Stryker by 5
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (5-3-1) vs. Santonio's Blunts (3-6)
Bardey's wide receiver opponents (Atlanta, Baltimore and Indy) are all among the top 10 at keeping down fantasy receivers. His running back opponents (Minnesota and Tennesssee) are among the top 11 at keeping down fantasy running backs. His quarterback opponent (the Giants) are #4. Dick has two guys going against the Raiders. Need I go on?
Poon-Pounders by 12
Sky Vault Centurions (5-4) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (4-5)
Well this is pretty unfair. Three days ago I'm pretty sure I would have picked the Chachfaces. I think the Rams-Jets game will be a shootout and Torry Holt will get some of those points. I think Tim Hightower will have a big day against San Fran. I think Philip Rivers will probably be solid versus the Chiefs. But I only think all these things. I know that Jay Cutler blew up against the Browns on Thursday for 35 points. I don't really see Andre wasting that performance.
Sky Vault by 10
I hate these thursday games, by the way.
I also really want some breakfast.
Egon Spengler (5-4) vs. FUBAR (6-2-1)
Fucking 14 points from the kicker already? God damn I hate these thursday games. I'm pinning my "comeback" hopes on Brett Favre, who I think might be capable of another one of those 6-touchdown games against St. Louis today. I also think he might be capable of a 6-interception day. I'm fucked.
FUBAR by 5
Manatee Eaters (7-2) vs. Chip Lohmiller (4-5)
Wow. Dekker is starting Joe Flacco this week. Normally that'd be enough for me to declare Chuck the winner, but Eddie Royal may have saved the day by post 26 points already. I'm also not anticipating huge days out of any of Chuck's guys.
Lohmiller by 4
Pet Monkey (4-5) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (3-6)
I'll just re-print the smackboard here:
William Meyers (Nov 7 1:30 AM): after watching tonights game, i was not at all surprised to come back and see that i was playing against kellen winslow. it's a miracle souts doesnt have cutler.William Meyers (Nov 7 1:30 AM): no sir, no bitterness here.
I love you Billy. And your squad of losers.
Fuckhouse by 6
Last week: 2-4 (yikes! fucking tie)
Overall: 35-19
Oh, no.
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-7) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (5-4)
OK so we already know a little bit about this game: Ryan Torain, Brandon Marshall, and D'Qwell Jackson have already gone for Juse. Just when it looked like Justin had found a running back who would be productive and healthy, Torain destroyed his knee. What Shoaf is to quarterbacks, Juse is to running backs. Anyway, Will also had one guy play already, but you would hardly know it by his score, since Braylon Edwards managed a mere point. Even with a lead, though, I don't see the Argos staying ahead of Kurt Warner going against the Niners and Adrian Peterson going against the Packers.
Stryker by 5
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (5-3-1) vs. Santonio's Blunts (3-6)
Bardey's wide receiver opponents (Atlanta, Baltimore and Indy) are all among the top 10 at keeping down fantasy receivers. His running back opponents (Minnesota and Tennesssee) are among the top 11 at keeping down fantasy running backs. His quarterback opponent (the Giants) are #4. Dick has two guys going against the Raiders. Need I go on?
Poon-Pounders by 12
Sky Vault Centurions (5-4) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (4-5)
Well this is pretty unfair. Three days ago I'm pretty sure I would have picked the Chachfaces. I think the Rams-Jets game will be a shootout and Torry Holt will get some of those points. I think Tim Hightower will have a big day against San Fran. I think Philip Rivers will probably be solid versus the Chiefs. But I only think all these things. I know that Jay Cutler blew up against the Browns on Thursday for 35 points. I don't really see Andre wasting that performance.
Sky Vault by 10
I hate these thursday games, by the way.
I also really want some breakfast.
Egon Spengler (5-4) vs. FUBAR (6-2-1)
Fucking 14 points from the kicker already? God damn I hate these thursday games. I'm pinning my "comeback" hopes on Brett Favre, who I think might be capable of another one of those 6-touchdown games against St. Louis today. I also think he might be capable of a 6-interception day. I'm fucked.
FUBAR by 5
Manatee Eaters (7-2) vs. Chip Lohmiller (4-5)
Wow. Dekker is starting Joe Flacco this week. Normally that'd be enough for me to declare Chuck the winner, but Eddie Royal may have saved the day by post 26 points already. I'm also not anticipating huge days out of any of Chuck's guys.
Lohmiller by 4
Pet Monkey (4-5) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (3-6)
I'll just re-print the smackboard here:
William Meyers (Nov 7 1:30 AM): after watching tonights game, i was not at all surprised to come back and see that i was playing against kellen winslow. it's a miracle souts doesnt have cutler.William Meyers (Nov 7 1:30 AM): no sir, no bitterness here.
I love you Billy. And your squad of losers.
Fuckhouse by 6
Last week: 2-4 (yikes! fucking tie)
Overall: 35-19
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
11.08.2008
NBD - Week 9 Review & Week 10 Preview
It's been a roller-coaster of a week in the Life of Lassard: Returning from Chapel Hill last weekend I headed into the Monday night Skins game in high spirits, only to see them sputter terribly against the Steelers. Tuesday was, of course, the big election, putting me back in a positive state of mind, but I passed out even before the acceptance speech and woke up feeling sick as a dog on Wednesday. On Thursday I returned to work and spent the night playing poker, eating delicious food, and receiving massages from the hired help, which meant a bit of a hangover on Friday, which was exacerbated by a rough day from the kids. Unable to take out my aggressions on the children themselves, I was looking to blow off some steam playing soccer last night, but instead was the recipient of a rifle-shot to the head that exploded my glasses and bloodied and bruised my right eye. A few band-aids, beers, and percocets later, I was off to a blissful eleven hours of sleep. All of which is a long way of saying that it's Saturday afternoon and I still haven't written a review of last week's games, much less a preview of this week's. So without further ado, here's your Week 9 Review:Stadler & Waldorf 101.60, Woody's Warriors 79.82
So not only did I dominate the Research Triangle in my superhot Lieutenant Dangle costume last weekend, but my fantasy team dominated the NBD. I had wisely predicted a rare victory for my boys, but even I could not have foreseen being Week 9's highest scorer. And I did it without the benefit of any single huge-day performance; instead, S & W featured a balanced attack in all aspects of the game, running (Brandon Jacobs' 18), passing (Matt Ryan's 15), receiving (Andre Johnson's 12) and defense (the Giants' 16). On the surface, it may have looked as though Woody and his Warriors would have stuck with me, considering that he, too, had five players in double figures. But fellow Wahoo Heath Miller helped me out by leaving the game with an injury and without a point, and Fred Taylor played but was almost equally ineffective. My fears of Brian Westbrook also proved to be relatively unfounded, as he had a pedestrian 10-point Sunday.
CH Croakies 82.14, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 94.58
I heard Kurt Warner's name mentioned the other day in consideration for the MVP award. 9 weeks ago that would have seemed ridiculous to me, and probably did to Koehler, too, who selected him in the 15th round and probably expected him to be a one-week play filling in for Tom Brady. But with Brady out, Warner has certainly been the replacement of the year if not the MVP. He proved that again this week by leading MRLD with 21 points. Another surprise is that he was closely followed by his teammate, running back Tim Hightower (18), who may be developing into a second-half powerhouse a la last year's Ryan Grant now that he's taken the starting job from Edgerrin James. In another league I'm in, I traded Hightower away for Anthony Gonzalez. Good job, me. But back to this game: Elliott got some good games out of Adrian Peterson and Derrick Mason (20 each), but not much else of note. Especially disappointing for both personal and fantasy reasons must have been the 7-point performance by Jason Campbell, who was intercepted for the first time this season.
Chestpubes & Ballfro 93.64, Burke City Giants 66.06
I almost bought a bootleg copy of "Stepbrothers" on the subway last Sunday, but before I could look through the stack the "saleslady" got into a customer service dispute. The crazy, loud guy on the train (each car is assigned one) had purchased Max Payne the week before, but apparently the video had cut off "after he drinks the blue stuff." The bootleg lady explained in her broken English that she was sorry, and that if he brought her the DVD the next time they rode together that she would happily exchange it for another. I never imagined that the crazy train guy could make a cogent argument for the return of his bootleg, or that the Asian bootlegger would respond so receptively to his complaint, but it seemed like they legitimately worked it out. This is why I love New York.
In actual fantasy news, Chestpubes & Ballfro (who get their name from "Stepbrothers," in case the connection there wasn't apparent) rode Chris Johnson to victory yet again this week, and if Warner is a legitimate MVP candidate, Johnson (22) would seem a virtual shoo-in for Rookie of the Year. C&B was also helped by 20 points each from Donald Driver and the Steelers Defense, whose combined efforts almost makes one forget that Colly started Jamarcus Russell (3) this week. The Burke City Giants quarterback, Matt Schaub, actually did even worse, but that might be due to the torn MCL he suffered. With Schaub and Miller injured, can Thomas Jones, Chris Long, and Chris Canty be far behind?
The Dutch Rudders 55.88, Lassard Blows Harris 90.36
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Last season's regular champ, Derek Haller, was ranked third in my Power Rankings a little over a month ago and had started the season 3-0. Now, heading into week 10, they are still sitting on those three wins, having suffered six straight losses. In that stretch, he has had only two games over 68 points, proving that the streak is not simply a matter of bad luck. So what's gone wrong for the former-Leadfarmers? Well, Marion Barber (4)has been boom-or-bust, with a couple big games but no consistency. Plaxico Burress' (3) antics have apparently not only rubbed Coach Tom Coughlin the wrong way, but he seems to have been taken out of the game plan to some extent and ignored by Eli Manning (13), who has been solid but unspectacular himself. Whatever the cause, they stood little chance against Papkin's squad this week. Donovan McNabb led the way with 22 points, and was ably supported by Ronnie Brown (15) and Anquan Boldin (15), who's been going gangbusters since returning from that vicious headshot that kept him out for a month. He is an inspiration to other sufferers of head trauma, such as myself and Gary Busey.
$5 Foot Long 66.98, Wyld Stallyns 71.76
While Derek has been sliding towards the bottom of the standings, DeYoung has been climbing to the top, winning his fourth game in a row this week in an important match-up with league-leading $5 Foot Long, nee Hamster Now Guinea Pig. Despite the fact that star running back Steven Jackson (2) toyed with Deezer's emotions this week by declaring himself fit to play when he clearly wasn't, the Stallyns eked out an unpretty victory. While none of the Stallyns went off this week, 15 each from Aaron Rodgers and Braylon Edwards and 13 from Eddie Royal complemented a strong special teams day, with a combined 22 points from Matt Bryant and the Minnesota D. Haller, meanwhile, was hindered by sub-par performances from his usual stalwarts, Brandon Marshall (3), Joe Addai (4), and Clinton Portis, who was in double figures but had one of his weakest fantasy performances of the season.
Mephistopheles 68.08, Tri Steeg Area 88.28
Having scored 850 points this year, Kevin Manning's Tri Steegers are second in the league in scoring, but due to consistent bad luck they are only a game above .500. Normally, when Kex scores 88 points, it's a good day but his opponent invariably scores like 96 points. This week, though, he was taking on the hapless Mephistopheles, so 88 was more than enough to secure a W. Topping the Tri Steeg box score was Peyton Manning, who continued his 2008 resurgence with 20 points. Also making healthy contributions were Bernard Berrian (16), who's been on an impressive run lately as Gus Frerotte's preferred target, and Owen Daniels (13). The Chief's team continues to be hobbled by their lack of running back talent, and this week the roulette wheel by which he determines starters landed on Kevin Faulk and Ricky Williams. They produced nearly 13 points. Of the five backs that Ray drafted, only one (Warrick Dunn) remains on his roster, while Larry Johnson, Laurence Maroney, Rashard Mendenhall, and Deuce McAllister have all been injured, arrested, or ill-advisedly dropped. At least he's not starting Cedric Benson anymore, though. Oh wait, Benson went for 17 last week. Whoops!
And now having looked at all the Week 9 games, let's head straight into the slate for Week 10!
Stadler & Waldorf (3-6) vs. Mephistopheles (3-6)
Is it possible that with consecutive games against fellow bottom-dwellers Woody's Warriors and Mephistopheles my batch of lovable losers could gain their first back-to-back wins of the season? Ray J and I have already faced off once this week, and his Steelers dominated my Redskins, so I'm not holding out much hope for this match-up either. Some of my biggest scorers (Matt Forte and Andre Johnson) are taking on some difficult defenses, and my flex this week is Ray Rice, who is in the enigmatic Baltimore backfield. I'd be psyched for two in a row, but at this point have learned not to get my hopes up.
Mephisto by 3
CH Croakies (4-5) vs. Woody's Warriors (3-6)
It makes sense to note here that for the rest of the season, I'll have a bit of an advantage in my picks due to the fact that there'll be Thursday night games, and I've only gotten maybe one set of predictions out before Friday so far this year. So I know already that Jamal Lewis has 14 for E, but that's safely within the range of what you'd expect from him, so it shouldn't color my prediction too much. Brian Westbrook is still pretty much the only player that scares me on Woody's roster, and he's taking on the stout defense of the Giants, so I don't feel like I'm cheating at all by taking
Croakies by 8
Chestpubes & Ballfro (5-4) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (6-3)
Again, I've already got some inside info on this match-up knowing that Brady Quinn had a solid fantasy debut with 18 points and Tony Scheffler chipped in with 9. I see the high scoring continuing in this match-up for both teams, with several dynamic players going against weak defenses (Roddy White vs. NO, Tomlinson vs. KC, Tim Hightower vs. SF, Frank Gore vs. AZ). Despite Colly's early lead, I give MRLD the nod in what should be a an exciting game that will likely not be settled 'til Monday night.
MRLD by 6
The Dutch Rudders (3-6) vs. Burke City Giants (5-4)
Having written in this very post about all the reasons for Derek Haller's lack of success, it would be difficult to justify picking him to win here. Further adding to my doubts about Dutch success this week is the fact that Michael Turner is taking on New Orleans, who has just the kind of porous defense he's exploited all season long.
Giants by 9
$5 Foot Long (7-2) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (4-5)
OK. I've got a pretty unfair advantage in picking this one. Haller has already locked in almost 60 points, which in some weeks is enough by itself to beat Lassard Blows Harris. Still on the docket are Steve Smith going against a lame Raiders team and Donnie Avery against the Jets in a game that will probably be a shootout. Meanwhile Papkin's leader, Donovan McNabb, is taking on the Giants. I should probably recuse myself from picking here, but I like free stats-padding as much as the next guy.
Foot Long by 12
Wyld Stallyns (6-3) vs. Tri Steeg Area (5-4)
Here again we know that Eddie Royal has already notched a bodacious 22 points for the Stallyns, which is well more than I would have expected from him. But you know what? I don't think it matters. Deezer doesn't have much to replace Steven Jackson with, and Braylon Edwards' poor performance on Thursday night pretty much negates Royal's. Plus, 5 straight wins is simply too much to give DeYoung.
Tri Steeg by 7
Last week: 3-3
Overall: 35-19
After that ball hit me in the face last night I looked kinda like this:
My vision was pretty blurry too, and I think I may have been concussed, but I'm pretty sure the woman who helped bandage me up looked like this:
Not a bad trade-off, right?
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