I'm watching SportsCenter, and I just saw Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett celebrating a touchdown pass and thought to myself "Oooh I'd tweak my back if I celebrated like that." That's right, I long ago gave up on matching the athletic feats of the guys I see on SportsCenter, but now I'm old and creaky enough to even have to forget about matching their celebratory dances. Oy vey.
Still young enough to write about imaginary football, though! Here we go with Week 6:
The Death Panel (3-2) vs. Wild Stallions (3-2)
This week, the Stallions have guys going against Detroit, Seattle, Oakland, Cleveland, Kansas City, and Saint Louis. You couldn't hand-pick a lamer group of defenses to be going against. My only hope is that each of those teams will be getting beaten bad enough that DeYoung's players get sat to give some back-ups a chance. That being an unlikely occurence, though, I'll take the Stallions here.
Roger's Oyster Lunch (3-2) vs. 1-4 But Not a Skins Fan (1-4)
This is a match-up between the #11- (Koehler) and #12- (Derek) ranked teams in the Power Rankings I published earlier this week. That means that this game will probably be low-scoring but competitive, close enough to be blown open by one big player. That player? I think it'll be Cedric Benson, who's taking on the notoriously run-friendly Texans defense. His efforts should be enough to win this one for Not a Skins Fan.
Who Gonna Check Me Boo? (3-2) vs. Bartelby (4-1)
Despite the records, Colly's team is by far the superior one here, even if Bartelby's owner does claim a "mojo" advantage. Matt Hasselbeck should have a field day against the useless Cardinals pass defense, and Maurice Jones-Drew is probably set for multiple TDs against the Rams. Should be an easy one for Who Gonna Check Me.
Questionable at Best (1-4) vs. Burke City Giants (4-1)
Here's an interesting feature of this match-up: at wide receiver, Michael is starting the Patriots' Randy Moss and... the Patriots' Wes Welker. At running back, Haller is starting the Giants' Ahmad Bradshaw and... the Giants' Brandon Jacobs. It's almost like a real football game with all these actual teammates going, but unfortunately the Patriots and Giants aren't playing each other. The Pats are taking on the lowly Titans, and the Giants are taking on the stalwart defense of the Saints (never thought I'd write that phrase). WIth that in mind, I gotta take Burke City.
Smegma Amuse Bouche (2-3) vs. Deuceburger (2-3)
Papkin has seemingly half his team on Bye. As of this writing, he doesn't have a player starting in the flex spot. He's taking on fantasy's best player in Adrian Peterson. And yet...
I've got a feeling that Amuse Bouche will win today, and it's a feeling I can't hide, oh yeah. (Everybody had a wet dream.)
Mental Errors (2-3) vs. Woody's Warriors (2-3)
You know what team gives up more fantasy points to running backs than any other in the league? It's the San Diego Chargers. You know who's playing the Chargers today? The Denver Broncos and Knowshon Moreno. You know who has Knowshon Moreno? It's Woody.
Last week: 2-4 (first losing week of the season)
Overall: 18-12
Good luck to everyone this week, except for DeYoung. DeYoung, this week you are a plush green chair in the living room of 10004 Winnepeg Court, and I am a bellyful of gin and ramen noodles. I think you know what's going to happen here.
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