NBD - Season-Ending Miscellany

The 2010 NBD season has come to a close. Here's all the pertinent season-ending information:

NBD - Season in Review Pt. 3

NBD - Season in Review Pt. 2

2010 Seasonal Re-Caps continued, after the jump...

NBD - Season in Review Pt. 1

Well, boys, old Commandant Lassard has safely steered the good ship NBD through another regular season, and as the playoff fun commences, it's time to take a look back at how each team fared during the 2010 campaign. I've been lamentably spotty in my dedication to the blog this year, but I'm hoping that this series of posts will fill in some of the gaps and serve as a catch-all snapshot of each team's season. With that in mind, we'll be looking at several key areas: The Draft in Hindsight will take a look back at the draft results considering what we knew then and what we know now. Key Transactions will examine each team's most important moves on the waiver wire as well as assessing the results of trades. Crucial Victories/Crushing Defeats will identify the games that made or broke your team. The Playoff Run will recap recent results, essentially taking the place of the game summaries I never wrote for Weeks 11-13 and the playoffs (if applicable). And What the Future Holds will peer into the crystal ball of keeper possibilities. Sound like a lot? I'm sure it will be. I can't wait to write it.

BIFL - Some Week 13 Reviews

Most of you passed on your opportunity to write Week 13 game reviews, which I found to be quite lame. But Justin and Dick answered the call. Their re-caps can be found after the jump.

BIFL - State of Your Team Address C

The regular season is over, and with it come the end of the State of Your Team Addresses. Hopefully, later this week we'll see some Week 13 write-ups penned by the victors. Until then...

BIFL - State of Your Team Address B

We now pick up with the latter half of the league, alphabetically speaking.

BIFL - State of Your Team Address A

Last week, I figured I'd have a little extra time on my hands to do the weekly write-ups and fold in some overall analysis of each team's make-up in terms of contributions from drafted/kept players and waiver wire pick-ups. Well, that didn't happen, and here now we find ourselves with only one week left in the regular season, with the playoffs just around the corner. With that in mind, I am eschewing the write-ups entirely (since I've basically run out of ways to re-phrase the same thing week in and week out) in favor of a full-scale look at each franchise in the league. Where have they come from? What have they done recently? Where do they stand with regard to the playoffs? And what do they have to look forward to? By the time I finish, all these questions (and more!) will have been answered. Get excited.

BIFL - Week 10 Review B

It's 6am on Sunday. My "roommates" got home around two and a half hours ago, and since my bedroom doubles as the living room and dining room of this apartment, I was awoken. I haven't been able to get back to sleep, so I figured I'd go ahead and knock out the Week 10 recaps.

You know what this blog hasn't had enough of this season?

NBD - Week 10 Review B

I was doing a Google Image search for "Patricide," since I was planning to write about slaying my father in fantasy this week and was hoping there was some sort of painting or sculpture of a historical patricide I could use, and instead I found this image. Really makes you think about who hears you when you're saying this kind of trash. Does anyone know what a Pikey or a Chav Scum is so I can start using those properly?

BIFL - Week 10 Review A

You should watch this with sound on, but not at work. Prodigious use of the n-word (albeit the good -a version not the bad -er one) and cursing.

Fuck you, Gumby!

NBD - Week 10 Review A

I'm writing tonight's re-caps while watching the MNF tilt between the 'Skins and Eagles, so this will likely be as much a live-blog of the game as it is a review of Week 10. ESPN just showed the ad for NFL Shop women's apparel with "You Don't Own Me" as the soundtrack. Does anyone understand this ad? It starts off fine: women are breaking up with their dudes, clearing their closets of the jerseys the guys have been storing there. OK, I see the narrative arc you're crafting there, NFLShop.com. And then... Dan Snyder knocks on his wife's door? And she's got a Redskins shirt, which she models for him? And he looks mildly pleased? How does this fit in to the rest of the commercial? And why is Dan Snyder in a commercial for NFL ladieswear at all? I've seen it a bunch of times, and it just keeps leaving me confused.
On the contrary, the Andy Reid youth Punt, Pass, and Kick footage does not leave me with any confusion. It is undoubtedly hilarious.

Little Andy Reid is huge!

NBD - Week 8 Review C

It's a race against the clock to see if I can finish Week 8 write-ups before Week 9 starts, and it's a race I intend to win!

BIFL - Week 8 Review C

We're less than two hours from the start of Week 9, which seems as good a time as any to finish off the Week 8 re-caps.

NBD - Week 8 Review B

[Note: I wrote the first half of this post, about trades, on Tuesday night, before any of the brouhaha about trading draft picks and all that emerged. It is with the rosy-colored glasses of nostalgia that I now look back on a time when I thought that a few simple trades might add some joy and excitement to the league.]

I just logged on the league site to see the warning up that our trade deadline is impending: November 12th. That gives you just a week and a half to complete your blockbusters. So far this season, there has been only one trade (discounting the infamous draft day Fasano Incident), when Haller traded me Matt Forte and Matt Ryan for Drew Brees. Ultimately, I think that trade has worked out well for both of us, and trades in general are fun, so I figured I'd help spur things along by taking a look at the rosters and seeing who might be in the market for a trade. Take a look, make a deal:

Sir Lucious Left Fut: Potential WR redundancy with Vincent Jackson returning; could use an RB2.

The Bro Montanas: Could part with blue-chipper Andre Johnson in exchange for help at multiple positions.

Wild Stallions: Have 5-6 reasonable starting fantasy receivers; need another RB to complement Mendenhall.

Buck Stops Here: Might have enough confidence in Matt Cassel to trade away Tom Brady's big name value.

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs: Would have four solid RBs if Mathews would take the reins; could use receiving help with Donald Driver falling off a cliff.

Chris Ivory's Black: Could probably get something in return for back-up QB Eli Manning, but not really in serious need anywhere else.

Sex with a Pharaoh: Too many tops; not enough bottoms.

Get to tradin'! While you're figuring out your blockbuster, a few more Week 8 re-caps:

BIFL - Week 8 Review B & Paper Playoffs

It's getting to (or perhaps past) that time of the season when I usually provide some kind of power rankings or statistical breakdowns or something. This season, I've decided to give my prognostication skills a little workout, so taking a cue from the Shutdown Corner blog, which features a weekly "Absurdly Premature Playoff Picture" post, I figured I'd construct my own paper playoffs for BIFL.
What was my process, you ask? Pshaw, it was nothing. But okay if you insist I'll explain: First I calculated a sort of power ranking for each team by simply adding up the scoring averages of its best QB, 2 RBs, 3 WRs, and TE (I also slightly factored in bench strength and other factors like injuries, but for the most part just pure math). I then projected the remaining record for each team, giving them a win for every team they played with a lower power ranking and a loss for every team they played with a higher ranking. Then I looked at how the projected final standings worked out, went through the playoff match-ups using the power rankings again, and predicted winners. Voila! After the jump, the exciting results...

NBD - Week 8 Review A

A few of our games are still up in the air going into tonight's Monday Night game between the Colts and Texans. Here's what to watch for fantasy-wise while you're enjoying the game, leftover Halloween candy, and perhaps a beverage or two:

Sir Lucious Left Fut vs. Chris Ivory's Black
With these two teams, the likelihood of a defensive battle or grind-it-out ground battle are extremely low, but Haller finds himself praying for just such a miracle. SLLF holds an eight-point advantage with Reggie Wayne and Kevin Walter looking to pad that lead over CIB's Mike Hart.

The Bro Montanas vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs
MRLD has hung up the pads for the week with a tenuous 10-point lead, which Derek's Bro Montanas will try to overcome with the help of Andre Johnson and Donald Brown.

While those results remain pending, others are already in the bag. Let's take an early look at two of them:

BIFL - Week 8 Review A

OK I've kind of sucked at doing game re-caps this year. Sorry about that. I'll try to make up for it during the remainder of the season. For starters, let's take a look at some of tonight's Menomenas.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks vs. Kurt Beran
This is the beauty of IDPs. Chuck needs 4.5 points out of Mario Williams to tie. Williams' season average is 3.5.

Juse and the Argonauts vs. Vatican Dragons
At the moment, Justin holds an 11-point lead with no one left to play. Dre has Reggie Wayne to go tonight, but if he wants to get real creative he could drop Justin Tuck (his DL on bye) and grab someone playing tonight for insurance. Or maybe he can't do that. I'm not 100% clear on how the waiver wire works anymore.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon vs. Louwer Loudoun Tribe
This is a bit of a stretch, but it's not out of the realm of possibility for Andre Johnson to go nuts tonight. He'll need to drop at least 25, plus whatever Dwight Freeney manages from Dick's DL spot.

While those match-ups should provide plenty of excitement whilst watching tonight, a few others are already salted away. Enjoy those after the jump:

NBD - Week 6 Review

It's already Saturday morning, I haven't written any game re-caps yet, and I'm a little hungover. So I'm just gonna remind you all to vote on the Return Touchdown issue in the post below and then dive right in:

NBD - This Whole Fucking Return TD Mess

The NBD e-mail chain exploded today with vicious argument over how return touchdowns should be counted. Somehow, in like 8 years of fantasizing, we haven't yet resolved this issue. Please take a look at the following options and cast a vote for next year in the Comments. For Bifflers who enjoy lurking on the NBD posts, please refrain from commenting, as this is already kind of messy.

Option A: Defense/Special Teams and Offensive Players should both get 6 points when a kickoff or punt is returned for a touchdown.
For: When a kick is returned for a touchdown, it has just as much to do with the blocking as it does with the returner; both should get credit. This is no different from a passer and receiver both getting points for a passing touchdown. Additionally, this is how we've always done it in NBD.
Against: Giving points twice for the same touchdown is double-dipping and makes no sense. Granted, we give credit twice for a touchdown through the air, but there are legitimately two statistics there: a passing touchdown and a receiving touchdown. In a return touchdown, only one guy is actually scoring, even if his wedge really helped. This system is analogous to drafting an "Offense" position and then giving the Tennessee Offense points every time Chris Johnson scores.

Option B: Only the Defense/Special Teams should get 6 points when a kickoff or punt is returned for a touchdown.
For: The reasons cited in Option A "Against." The D/ST should get credit because this ensures that every return touchdown scored, whether it be by a normally offensive player or a defensive back who returns kicks, is counted in some way in fantasy. When a returner takes one to the house, he is acting as part of a Special Teams unit, which we consider a single entity in fantasy.
Against: The reasons cited in Option A "For" and Option C "For."

Option C: Only the Offensive Player should get 6 points when a kickoff or punt is returned for a touchdown.
For: The reasons cited in Option A "Against." The offensive player should get credit because ultimately he is the one who scores the touchdown. There is a reason someone like Devin Hester scores a lot of return touchdowns, and it's not because the Bears have an awesome wedge. It's because Hester is a badass, and he deserves fantasy credit for it.
Against: The reasons cited in Option A "For" and Option B "For."

Option D: When a kickoff or punt is returned for a touchdown, we should split the credit by giving the Defense/Special Teams 3 points and the offensive player (if there is one) 3 points.
For: This is a nice compromise, no? Can't we all just get along?
Against: This is kind of a pussy cop-out.

So, leave your vote in the Comments, and leave us your name. I know it'll be tempting to provide a supporting argument for your vote, but honestly we've already done that to death in the e-mail chain today. Just cast a vote and be done with it.

BIFL - Week 5 Review B

This game is awesome. Your games? Less so, but I'll recap them anyway:

NBD - Week 5 Review B

If you scanned the waiver wire or monitored league transactions this week, you know it was kind of a slow one. Not many breakout stars emerged in Week 5, and now that we're getting deeper into the season, we're probably likely to see more and more low-budget bye week fill-ins and less and less big-budget swings for the fences. The biggest expenditure this week was $8, which Joe paid for Kenny Britt. If Britt sounds familiar, it's probably either because you're thinking of one half of Flight of the Conchords (Hey Brit!) or you remember that I took Britt in the fifth round of this year's draft. That's right, fifth round. If that horrifies you, imagine how I feel. Within days of the draft, I was beginning to regret the Britt pick, and after Week 1, where he scored 0 points, I decided not to hold on to him simply because I'd drafted him high and I cut bait. Yet here we are a month later, and Britt has scored 32 points over the last three weeks. And when I look back at the draft results, I have a hard time finding another wide receiver taken in the next few rounds after Britt that I'd rather have. So who's the bigger idiot: the Sovic that drafted Britt in the 5th, or the Sovic that dropped Britt after a week? And is there a chance that Colly just snapped up a legit wide receiver for a mere $8? Whatever the answer, I'm pretty sure I come out looking like a moron. Awesome. Speaking of my idiocy, let's do some more re-caps:

BIFL - Week 5 Review A

It's Monday evening, which probably means we're due for 3-4 hours of Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworski sucking on Brett Favre's balls. Hold on, let me check... Yup, sure enough the Vikings are playing the Jets tonight. Despite the usual Brett overload, I am actually interested to see how the Favre-Moss connection works out, how thrown around he gets by the Jets' Defense, and whether the ESPN crew has the balls to mention the camera-phone cock shots. By the way, if that were my cock, I wouldn't be sending photos. Size-wise, it's nothing embarrassing, but such a flat head! I look for my cockhead to have some nice roundness and depth to it, like a baby bella:

Favre (allegedly) seems to be rocking more of a giant oyster, which is frankly not a good look for your cock:

Oh and in case you have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out: http://deadspin.com/5658206/brett-favres-cellphone-seduction-of-jenn-sterger

As for BIFL, and our cocks, we've got a couple of Menomenas going:

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon vs. Your Stepdad

Perhaps the most amazing sub-plot of the Randy Moss trade is that it gives Dekker a second straight monday night in which he's depending on Moss to win his fantasy match-up. Last week, Moss fucked Ben in not one but two leagues, but he must have imagined once he woke up on Tuesday morning that the pain was over. No such luck. This week, Your Stepdad holds an 11.5-point lead with Moss still to go, and he'll be trying to hold that lead against Dick's combination of Favre, Braylon Edwards, and Ryan Longwell. ESPN projects the Iron Chef to come away with the victory, but I think the fantasy gods might have a say in a game between a guy who got fucked so royally last week and a guy who didn't even set his line-up last week.

Juse and the Argonauts vs. Cow Fister
This one is pretty well out of reach, with Justin boasting a 30-point lead over the heretofore undefeated Cow Fisters. But if there was one guy I'd pick to help me overcome a 30-point deficit, it'd be Chris Johnson. And if there was a second guy I'd pick to help me overcome a 30-point deficit, it'd be Adrian Peterson, who is actually on Shoaf's team. He'll be working with Santonio Holmes to help eclipse that sizeable margin, but if the Argos' Percy Harvin has any kind of night, it'll surely spell the end of Shoaf's perfect season.

Of course, not every match-up can be a Menomena. Some of our contests are already over, and here are a few of them:

NBD - Week 5 Review A

It's Columbus Day, which once again means that I got to celebrate the Discovery of America by not having to teach children today, and for that I tip my hat to ol' Cristobal Colon. It also means I've got time to get a head start on the blog this week, with an exciting Monday Night game on the schedule and a few games hanging in the balance. Here are some Menomenas to keep your eyes on tonight:

McClusterfuck vs. Worthless
I'm currently trailing Papkin by a mere two points, and each of us has one player to go tonight. He has a definite advantage, as my player (Santonio Holmes) is dependent on his player (Mark Sanchez) to have a good night. But with a few lucky breaks, like significant yardage/td's to Holmes - which are worth more to him than Sanchez - and a few picks/fumbles by the Manchise, McClusterfuck could pull out yet another undeserved win.

Sir Lucious Left Fut vs. Burke City Giants
The Battle of the Toobins comes right down to Monday night and depends on the night's prominent storyline: Randy Moss's debut with the Vikings. Elliott holds a six-point advantage at the moment, but that could disappear quickly with a single downfield strike from the Favre-Moss combo.

Laters on the Menjay vs. Sex with a Pharaoh
No, these two teams aren't playing each other, but with Adrian Peterson and Braylon Edwards going tonight, Colly has an outside chance at surpassing Derek for Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week honors. They'll have a long way to go, as SwaP is currently 25 points down and Menjay still has LDT to go, but you never know when AP's going to explode and you never know when Tomlinson's going to remember how old he is.

By the way, wanted to mention that this week's Classic Soul Jam is arguably my favorite song of all time, not so much in any singular incarnation (though this Sam Cooke one is certainly incredible, as is the live one from the Harlem Square Club), but in that almost any version I hear of it brings me the same joy. It is infinitely coverable. There are solid versions by rockers, bluesmen, jazzmen, and even in Spanish. A couple of years ago my buddy Jared - whose awesome sustainable farming blog can be found here - had a party where a band called Roosevelt Dime played their version as a closer and I almost creamed my pants.

Anyways, a few teams have already brought it on home this week, so let's get a few re-caps out of the way:

BIFL - Week 4 Review B

A couple weeks back, I played a little game with Doit, Souts, Jesse and E-Bardey at the sports bar, where we attempted to choose the current and throwback jersey we'd wear for each NFL team, if we had to. We didn't make it all the way through, as the Redskins-Texans game that was ongoing at the time became kind of intense, but I think we were only a division or two shy of the full 32. Anyways, I figured I'd mention it here and throw it open to you guys in the Comments. Any inspired choices out there?
OK. On to the rest of the games...

NBD - Week 4 Review B

I just walked clear across the isle of Manhattan to get home from work, and it's an absolutely beautiful day in the city of New York. I hope Uncle Autumn is treating all your various locales as kindly. Let's finish up the Week 4 games:

BIFL - Week 4 Review A

"I make a living in the movies, but for the past 20 years, I've also been a cop. And along with some of the finest officers on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. My name is Steven Seagal. That's right, Steven Seagal, Deputy Sherriff."

If you're not watching this show on A&E, I honestly don't know what you could be doing with your time that makes life worth living. The same man who broke a thousand arms backward in a hundred movies that featured the "BN" tag for brief nudity in their HBO intros is now the star of his own reality show, detailing his exploits as a Louisiana cop. We also get to see him practice his samurai swordsmanship, front a blues band, and totally change his diction and accent when dealing with black perps/complainants (note: this would be even funnier if it weren't tinged with the awareness that I also speak totally differently to black people - mostly cab drivers - when I'm drunk, referring to them repeatedly as "brother").

Anyways, if you get a chance, check out 'Steven Seagal: Lawman;' it's the perfect accompaniment to some fantasy football game re-caps.

NBD - Week 4 Review A

I'm watching "Inside the NFL" on Showtime right now and they've got Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood mic'd up. He seems like a really fun-loving guy, making jokes and cracks on the sidelines, calling Josh Scobee (who hit an awesome game-winning 59-yard field goal) "Scobee Bryant." Lots of fun. Somehow, though, the mics never caught him talking about this little incident, as reported in Sports Illustrated this week:
Escaped With minimal injuries after being pistol-whipped, Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood. According to Jacksonville police, Osgood, 30, was watching TV at the home of 19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader Mackenzie Putnal on Sept. 27 when the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head and struck Osgood and Putnal, as well as her dog, before Osgood jumped out a second-floor window. Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder, who eventually fled. Bartletto was later arrested and was being held without bail while facing charges of aggravated battery, false imprisonment, armed robbery and burglary.
There is just way too much to be amazed by in this story. First of all: "19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader." 19! Kassim Osgood is a few months older than me, which is to say 30, which makes this more than a little creepy. I Googled Ms. Putnal and the first thing that came up was her alma mater, Sandalwood High School, from which she graduated in 2009. Wow. Then again, Osgood and Putnal were just "watching TV," so I'm sure there was nothing untoward happening.
Next: "the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head..." Plastic bag? Is he into auto-erotic asphyxiation?
And then: "Osgood jumped out a second-floor window." Kind of sounds like Osgood pulled a Costanza and shoved the teenager and the dog aside to save himself, no?

By the way, I'm pretty sure Eric the Clown in that episode is played by Jon Favreau.
Finally: "Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder..." Holy fuck are you kidding me? My dad was a cop for like 100 years and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any stories as good as trading gunfire with a 19-year-old cheerleader who's using a laser-sighted pistol. This is incredible. If I wasn't so heavily invested in Dexter McCluster breaking out this year to justify the McClusterfuck franchise, I would 100% pick up Osgood and name my team the Laser-Sighted Jailbaits. I don't see how any of our fantasy match-ups can live up to the excitement of this story, but until ESPN does a dramatic re-enactment as part of their "60 for 60" celebration in 2040, we'll have to make do.
(After the jump)

BIFL - Week 3 Review

Here's the good news: after over a year of un-, under-, and semi-employment, a forced exile from my beloved Brooklyn, and a stretch of living with my parents at age 30, I am finally back in New York and back at work. Though working for the US Census, taking care of my nephews, and expediting at Danny Lee's restaurant in DC were all fun, teaching obnoxious urban kids is what I'm meant to do and now I'm back at it.
Here's the bad news: you don't really give a shit about any of that; you just want your weekly fantasy game re-capped in a witty, clever, overly verbose fashion. And due to the circumstances listed above in "the good news," my life has been super-crazy lately and I haven't been able to devote any time to Lassard. Well, it's sucked for both of us, but I feel like I'm ready to dive back in. Let's get started:

NBD - Week 3 Review

Hey! Did the fantasy football season start? I totally hadn't noticed. It's been like 90 degrees up here in NYC and presumably even hotter in the various Southern climes where you all reside, so I figured I still had a while before I needed to resume my Lassardian duties. Imagine my surprise when I booted up the ol' league site and found that we were already three weeks in with the McClusterfucks sitting pretty at 2-1 (albeit with a paltry point total). I thought about going back and re-constructing some draft criticism and Reviews for Weeks 1 and 2, but then I remembered that I (finally) have a job this season and I don't really have time to go cruising down memory lane in remembrance of games that are already well in our collective rearview mirrors. I do, however, have a few spare hours this Thursday evening to look back at the Week 3 games, and will hopefully be able to do so again for the rest of the season. Without further ado, the first Lassard post of the 2010 fantasy season:

Patience

It's coming. I promise. All you need is just...

Jokes and jokes and jokes

I found this legitimately quite funny:

NBD 2010 - Keeper Possibilities

I was sitting around today watching the World Cup or the U.S. Open or some other such summer sport nonsense when an ad for the Hall of Fame Game (August 8th) unexpectedly popped up. I nearly crapped myself. Amidst all the hooplah over the draft and then Albert Haynesworth's ridiculous trade demands, I'd forgotten that at some point in the not-too-distant future, football players will actually take the field and play actual football games. And with those games will come fantasy. With this realization upon me, I knew I had to do something, but that Hall of Fame Game is still 48 days away, with the regular season even more removed. There wasn't that much I could do, really, except...
publish the list of possible NBD Keepers for this season, despues de saltar.

BIFL - 2010 Keeper Possibilities

I'm attempting to pull a Reset tonight, which is where my sleep schedule has gotten so fucked up that I stay up all night in an attempt to "reset" my biological clock (shout-out to Marisa Tomei). Since I have nothing better to do, I figured I'd do the post I normally do several months later: a list of possible keepers for 2010. I'll included no commentary, rankings, or suggestions. This is just raw data. Do with it what you wish.