NBD - Week 9 Previews & Predictions

In case you missed it, my predicting abilities are now being tested on actual NFL outcomes in a section I'm calling Deadlock, after the "stone cold dead lock" nature of my picks and the made-for-HBO movie of the early '90s starring Rutger Hauer and Mimi Rogers as prison escapees with exploding devices stashed in collars around their necks. If you got more than 100 yards from your penal partner, your head exploded in (unintentionally) comical fashion. I wonder if there's any YouTube video of that?


Of course there is. God bless you, internet.
Surprises from that footage: forgot that Ned... Reyerson! (Stephen Tobolowsky) was the prison warden. Also, I'm not for sure, but I think the guy fighting Rutger Hauer was also the Jamaican villain who secretly had a twin in one of the Steven Seagal movies. Hauer-Seagal-Jamaican guy were like the Clooney-Pitt-Soderbergh of the late '80s and early '90s, working together, supporting each other, making quality films on their own terms.
Anyways, here's what's going to happen in Week 9 in your games:

The Death Panel (5-3) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (3-5)
You know, back when I did the Power Rankings (which I'll probably need to revise in the next few weeks), I put myself at #8. But the more I look at it, the more I like this team. We've got the #2 quarterback, the #4 running back, and the #8 and #9 wide receivers. We should be able to feast on the shittier teams of the league... speaking of which, Koehler is my opponent this week. Barring a Cedric Bensonian explosion against the Ravens (he did snap their streak of holding backs under 100 yards earlier this season), this should be an easy victory for the Panel.

This Guy Here is Dead (4-4) vs. Woody's Warriors (3-5)
Both these teams are pretty lame, so here is what I'll be looking for out of this one: What will become of the 87 million dollar man, Ryan Moats? Is he going to carry the load for Houston, and will that mean anything in a game where the Texans will likely be playing catch-up with the Colts? And on the other side of the ball: What can Michael Crabtree do now with a few weeks under his belt and a shitty opponent (Tennessee) in store? Both teams have a lot of players going against solid defenses, so I'll anticipate a low-scoring contest with a slight edge to the Warriors.

Who Gonna Check Me Boo? (6-2) vs. Mental Errors (5-2)
This should be a good game, as these are both quality teams and Colly's weaknesses, quarterback and tight end (after the loss of Owen Daniels), are strengths for E (Brady and the hated Dallas Clark). And with some cupcakes on the schedule (MJD versus the Chiefs, Reggie Wayne versus the Texans), there will be points galore. I wouldn't at all be surprised to see Elliott win this game, but if I have to make a prediction, it has to go with the top team in the league to this point, the Boo-Checkers.

Globo de Aire Mi Equipo (2-6) vs. Vag Secretion Parfait (3-5)
I just watched a boxing match on HBO featuring Chad Dawson, a 28-0 up-and-comer in the Light Heavyweight division. Chad had "Bad Chad" on the front of his trunks, but for the first six rounds I thought it said "Rad Chad," which made him just about my favorite boxer of all time. On the back was Chad's sponsor, condomdepot.com. I barely get enough ass to merit a condom pez dispenser. God bless anyone who needs an entire depot. All of this is a roundabout way of saying that I've got very little to say about this game and I'm not very interested in its outcome. I'll pick Globo to win, though, since I keep singing the praises of his free agent moves/trades and I'm still waiting for him to prove that that slurping was well-founded.

Burke City Giants (6-2) vs. Harry Lance Hannibal (4-4)
It's the third annual DadBowl! Despite the historical discrepancies between these two franchises (Michael regularly at the top of the league, Ray regularly at the bottom), their record against each other is very close. Each has a win under their belt, and the two matches have been decided by a total of six points. In this year's incarnation, Michael appears to have the better talent, but Ray has some incredible match-ups, taking on the likes of Kansas City, Tampa Bay, and Tennessee. Burke City's success will depend largely on the success of their Patriots receivers, and I think they'll do just enough against the Fins to secure a win for the Giants.

Deuceburger (2-6) vs. Wild Stallions (5-3)
We go from the DadBowl to the SteegBowl. All we know about this game is that by the time it's done, the floor will be littered with butts and the lungs of all its players will be coated with tar. Coming off of his debaucherous weekend in Vegas and his bye-week-laden line-up, Kex still has Larry Johnson (suspended) queued up to start, with nobody on his roster to replace him. Combined with the fact that Deuceburger can normally only rely on two key guys (Schaub and Peterson) and one of them (AP) is on a bye this week, I think it's a pretty safe bet that the Stallions take this one.

Last week: 5-1 (baller)
Overall: 27-15

Good luck to everyone but Koehler this weekend. Koehler, we are facing off on two fronts this week, in fantasy and reality (Falcons vs. Redskins). It will be tempting to hate each other by Sunday night, but I want to remind you that the special bond I love the most is in the way we look at each other and the quiet understanding we share. And knowing this is just the beginning...... you are a huge douchebag.

Note to other members of the league: don't let your wife blog about you. I will use it against you.