It's Memorial Day Weekend, the time of year we have always set aside to remember the performances of those who've served our country, laying down their lives so that the rest of us can continue to live the American way. I'm speaking, of course, of football players who've suffered serious brain trauma, shortening their lives so that we can spend our Sundays lazing on the couch and staring at multiple screens. Let's remember their service to us in Week 5 of the past twenty seasons:
5.10.2020
Covid Fantasy Football Challenge Week 4
I went unexpectedly loquacious during this week's write-ups, so I'll keep this intro pretty short and simple: Week 4 is done, which means it's time for the transaction window to open. Read the details on how this will work in the previous post, and e-mail me your free agent auction bids by midnight eastern time on Tuesday, May 12th. I have sent mine to Will for safe-keeping.
5.09.2020
Covid Fantasy Football Challenge Week 3
I'm gonna try to publish two weeks' worth this weekend, once on Saturday and once on Sunday. Before we get to the Week 3 results, I wanted to get into the logistics of the transaction window that will open after I publish the Week 4 results on Sunday. It will operate basically like any Free Agent Auction Budget system you've ever played fantasy with, it's just that I'm the computer for this one. I am not an actual computer, as you may know, so please read through this and let me know if it makes sense or if you foresee any complications:
You will have a budget of $50 to bid on any player-season(s) from 2000 on that is not currently on a CFFC roster. When you submit your bids (by e-mailing me) you should indicate what player from your current roster will be dropped if your bid is successful. You may make multiple bids to replace a single player; I will prioritize your additions by the amount you bid and you will only lose money from your budget for successful bids. For bids of the same amount, I will start with a tie-breaker list that is the reverse of our current rankings. Every time one of your bids is successful you will move to the bottom of the list. I will start by processing the highest bids and move my way to the cheapest. Once the new rosters have settled, I will give you a chance to re-organize your roster in terms of starters and back-ups.
There will be another transaction window after Week 8, and whatever you don't spend this time will be added to your budget next time, which will start at $50 as well (so you could have as much as $100 to bid next time if you make no transactions this time). If any of you plan on making no bids, please let me know and I will make you the repository for my bids, which I will make before seeing anyone else's. If not, you'll just have to trust me. I think my results so far prove pretty conclusively that I am not interested in cheating at this game. Speaking of which...
Beb entered this week with a weakened roster, due to an Arian Foster injury (a minor, but recurring one, I think) and Tony Gonzalez on a bye (there used to be Week 3 byes, I guess? Also there were a few seasons where there were an odd number of teams in the league so they just rotated a week off every week? That feels like a cockamamie plan.) The Gonzalez-Gates swap is not much of a drop-off, but behind Foster Beb has 2017 Marshawn Lynch. For those of you who might be confused like Beb is, that is not Seattle Seahawks Beast Mode. And it's definitely not Buffalo Bills Beast Mode (that was a full decade earlier). It's Oakland Raiders Beast Mode. who was pretty decent for a guy who'd come out of retirement, but not exactly the caliber of players we have in this league. Or I should say, that you all have in this league. It's exactly the caliber of player that I have in this league, except that I've got a bunch of them, and they're not my back-ups they're my starters. Calvin Johnson made an admirable showing, but he is used to being an outstanding talent on a terrible team. I just hope he doesn't retire early from my fantasy team. I should probably mention here that Priest Holmes scored 40 fucking points. It should surprise none of you to know that this five-touchdown performance came against the Redskins. I'm considering spending my free agent budget on three different seasons of "RB vs. Redskins."
Wow, this is embarrassing. Joe clearly didn't do a very good job of preparing for the draft that I wouldn't allow him to prepare for or adjusting the roster that I wouldn't allow him to adjust. Come on, Joe, it's not fair to the rest of the league when you hand a win to someone like this! Actually, there isn't a single player in the entire league, or maybe in the history of fantasy, that you could have filled that empty slot with and beaten Screen this week. That multi-generational trio of Faulk, Peterson and Jackson are monstrous, and this performance will move them to the top of our standings.
Oh man, I used up all my good Dutch jokes last week and then these two go and play each other. It's a shame too because there's not a lot to talk about here. I recall somebody during the draft saying QBs were "a dime a dozen," and it does seem like the easiest thing in this era of non-stop passing attacks should be to find a quarterback from the past twenty years who can give you 15+ points a week. And yet four of our passers failed to meet that mark this week, none failing harder than Dekker's Kurt Warner '02. A competent signal-caller in that slot might have made the difference between a win and a loss, as Souts' performance was nothing spectacular. But as it is, Souts' Saints connection of Brees, Kamara and Jimmy Graham filling in was enough to carry the day.
Five years ago, Todd Gurley was drafted into the NFL. Three years ago, he had a hell of a Week 3 for the Rams, running for 113 yards, receiving for 35 more, and scoring five touchdowns en route to being named the NFL's Offensive Player of the Year by the Associated Press. Less than three years later, he was cut by the Rams and signed for five million dollars with the Falcons. He'll probably be out of the league in another few seasons. Maybe they'll give him an Arby's franchise for a day.
20 years ago, Tom Brady was drafted into the NFL. 13 years ago, he had a pretty good Week 3 en route to being named the MVP of the league. Over a dozen years later, at the age of 42, he signed a contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for 50 million dollars.
22 years ago, Peyton Manning was drafted into the NFL. Ten years ago, he had a solid Week 3, contributing to a season in which he broke the record for most pass completions in a season. In the past few years, he has led a life of blissful retirement, including a recent decision to turn down 20 million dollars a year to be the new Monday Night Football analyst*.
I guess what I'm saying is: some of you have sons. For god's sake, raise them to be quarterbacks, not running backs.
Oh, and make sure to raise them to be white, as well. Seems to help.
*side note: I am desperate for sports right now (let's go, Bundesliga!), and so when I saw on Monday that ESPN was re-airing an old MNF game between the Packers and Seahawks, I was ready for it. But then the broadcast started, and it turns out that even the sports desert we are currently mired in could not overcome my hatred for Jon Gruden's unique brand of analysis.
Certainly part of the appeal of this league to me is a chance to re-live a time in my life when I more deeply enjoyed NFL football. I don't actually think the difference between that era and this owes anything to the stylistic changes in the game, or all of the socio-political baggage (domestic violence, CTE, jingoism) that lingers around the game these days, although the latter certainly doesn't help. I think more likely it's that when I see lines like "L Tomlinon '05 43.04" and "S Alexander '05 38" I can so vividly imagine waking up on a beautiful fall Sunday of 2005 in Sunset Park, hopping on the D train to the Village, and spending the afternoon at Off the Wagon drinking cheap pitchers of beer, trying to keep Doit from fighting with our beer pong opponents, and monitoring the TVs with a hand-written list of my multiple fantasy rosters and those of my opponents (no smart-phone to monitor on yet). That afternoon, I would have already been quite drunk by the time Shaun Alexander rattled off 140 rushing yards and four touchdowns against the Cardinals, and would almost certainly have been half-passed out in my Golden-Ager electronic recliner as LaDainian Tomlinson single-handedly destroyed the fucking Giants with 192 rushing yards, three rushing touchdowns, and a 26-yard passing touchdown. And I would have done all that with no fear of the effect it'd have on my job teaching tweens the next morning! There wasn't even a Redskins game that Sunday to ruin my mood! Fuck, man.
Here are your standings after Week 3. Enjoy them, they won't last long!
You will have a budget of $50 to bid on any player-season(s) from 2000 on that is not currently on a CFFC roster. When you submit your bids (by e-mailing me) you should indicate what player from your current roster will be dropped if your bid is successful. You may make multiple bids to replace a single player; I will prioritize your additions by the amount you bid and you will only lose money from your budget for successful bids. For bids of the same amount, I will start with a tie-breaker list that is the reverse of our current rankings. Every time one of your bids is successful you will move to the bottom of the list. I will start by processing the highest bids and move my way to the cheapest. Once the new rosters have settled, I will give you a chance to re-organize your roster in terms of starters and back-ups.
There will be another transaction window after Week 8, and whatever you don't spend this time will be added to your budget next time, which will start at $50 as well (so you could have as much as $100 to bid next time if you make no transactions this time). If any of you plan on making no bids, please let me know and I will make you the repository for my bids, which I will make before seeing anyone else's. If not, you'll just have to trust me. I think my results so far prove pretty conclusively that I am not interested in cheating at this game. Speaking of which...
Beb entered this week with a weakened roster, due to an Arian Foster injury (a minor, but recurring one, I think) and Tony Gonzalez on a bye (there used to be Week 3 byes, I guess? Also there were a few seasons where there were an odd number of teams in the league so they just rotated a week off every week? That feels like a cockamamie plan.) The Gonzalez-Gates swap is not much of a drop-off, but behind Foster Beb has 2017 Marshawn Lynch. For those of you who might be confused like Beb is, that is not Seattle Seahawks Beast Mode. And it's definitely not Buffalo Bills Beast Mode (that was a full decade earlier). It's Oakland Raiders Beast Mode. who was pretty decent for a guy who'd come out of retirement, but not exactly the caliber of players we have in this league. Or I should say, that you all have in this league. It's exactly the caliber of player that I have in this league, except that I've got a bunch of them, and they're not my back-ups they're my starters. Calvin Johnson made an admirable showing, but he is used to being an outstanding talent on a terrible team. I just hope he doesn't retire early from my fantasy team. I should probably mention here that Priest Holmes scored 40 fucking points. It should surprise none of you to know that this five-touchdown performance came against the Redskins. I'm considering spending my free agent budget on three different seasons of "RB vs. Redskins."
Wow, Holmes merely dropped off from '01 to '02, huh? No wonder they drafted Larry Johnson after the season ended. Actually that was a pretty good decision, considering that a 'roided-up Shawne Merriman would more or less end Holmes' career with a vicious hit, and Johnson would ably fill the void... except that that hadn't quite happened yet by Week 3 of 2005, when Elliott could have used some positive scoring from LJ to help overcome the Bardey onslaught. That's tough to do, though, when Peyton Manning can't even get within a dozen points of his future self, and your big gun Christian McCaffrey scores less than four members of the opposition. I only wish that Elliott can forgive his former Internet Boyfriend for trouncing him so thoroughly, and that these two can find love again.
Wow, this is embarrassing. Joe clearly didn't do a very good job of preparing for the draft that I wouldn't allow him to prepare for or adjusting the roster that I wouldn't allow him to adjust. Come on, Joe, it's not fair to the rest of the league when you hand a win to someone like this! Actually, there isn't a single player in the entire league, or maybe in the history of fantasy, that you could have filled that empty slot with and beaten Screen this week. That multi-generational trio of Faulk, Peterson and Jackson are monstrous, and this performance will move them to the top of our standings.
Oh man, I used up all my good Dutch jokes last week and then these two go and play each other. It's a shame too because there's not a lot to talk about here. I recall somebody during the draft saying QBs were "a dime a dozen," and it does seem like the easiest thing in this era of non-stop passing attacks should be to find a quarterback from the past twenty years who can give you 15+ points a week. And yet four of our passers failed to meet that mark this week, none failing harder than Dekker's Kurt Warner '02. A competent signal-caller in that slot might have made the difference between a win and a loss, as Souts' performance was nothing spectacular. But as it is, Souts' Saints connection of Brees, Kamara and Jimmy Graham filling in was enough to carry the day.
20 years ago, Tom Brady was drafted into the NFL. 13 years ago, he had a pretty good Week 3 en route to being named the MVP of the league. Over a dozen years later, at the age of 42, he signed a contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for 50 million dollars.
22 years ago, Peyton Manning was drafted into the NFL. Ten years ago, he had a solid Week 3, contributing to a season in which he broke the record for most pass completions in a season. In the past few years, he has led a life of blissful retirement, including a recent decision to turn down 20 million dollars a year to be the new Monday Night Football analyst*.
I guess what I'm saying is: some of you have sons. For god's sake, raise them to be quarterbacks, not running backs.
Oh, and make sure to raise them to be white, as well. Seems to help.
*side note: I am desperate for sports right now (let's go, Bundesliga!), and so when I saw on Monday that ESPN was re-airing an old MNF game between the Packers and Seahawks, I was ready for it. But then the broadcast started, and it turns out that even the sports desert we are currently mired in could not overcome my hatred for Jon Gruden's unique brand of analysis.
Certainly part of the appeal of this league to me is a chance to re-live a time in my life when I more deeply enjoyed NFL football. I don't actually think the difference between that era and this owes anything to the stylistic changes in the game, or all of the socio-political baggage (domestic violence, CTE, jingoism) that lingers around the game these days, although the latter certainly doesn't help. I think more likely it's that when I see lines like "L Tomlinon '05 43.04" and "S Alexander '05 38" I can so vividly imagine waking up on a beautiful fall Sunday of 2005 in Sunset Park, hopping on the D train to the Village, and spending the afternoon at Off the Wagon drinking cheap pitchers of beer, trying to keep Doit from fighting with our beer pong opponents, and monitoring the TVs with a hand-written list of my multiple fantasy rosters and those of my opponents (no smart-phone to monitor on yet). That afternoon, I would have already been quite drunk by the time Shaun Alexander rattled off 140 rushing yards and four touchdowns against the Cardinals, and would almost certainly have been half-passed out in my Golden-Ager electronic recliner as LaDainian Tomlinson single-handedly destroyed the fucking Giants with 192 rushing yards, three rushing touchdowns, and a 26-yard passing touchdown. And I would have done all that with no fear of the effect it'd have on my job teaching tweens the next morning! There wasn't even a Redskins game that Sunday to ruin my mood! Fuck, man.
Here are your standings after Week 3. Enjoy them, they won't last long!
5.03.2020
Covid Fantasy Football Challenge Week 2
I was originally intending to post these scores two or three times a week, but this week was the end of our first marking period of Remote Learning, and I set a policy early on that I would accept any and all late work during that time, because I know that my students have various challenges, obligations and stresses going on in their lives. Of course, my generosity was rewarded with a flood of assignments being turned in on the last possible day (Tuesday), giving me just a few days to grade hundreds of assignments and preventing me from entering Lassard mode mid-week. I finally finished up all my grading yesterday morning, had a lovely time drinking cocktails in the (finally) spring weather last night, and was looking forward to writing up some fantasy scores today.
So I get to my computer, open up the old Chrome browser to get to bloggin', but first notice a flurry of new emails in my account. What could this be? I wondered. Perhaps my students have started a campaign to send me emails, thanking me for my tireless, diligent, and caring service during this difficult time? Nope, not quite. Turned out to be a firestorm of angry comments from a student of mine who I had accused of cheating--a month ago--after receiving a picture of the exact same work from her and another student. Not a re-writing, not even a tracing. Just the exact same diagram of a circle with relevant terminology written in. So I've spent the past hour of my precious Spring Sunday trading emails with her and the other student. Delightful!
Let's look at some goddamn fantasy scores from before these children were born.
4.25.2020
Covid Fantasy Football Challenge Week 1
Holy shit this thing is still alive! It's just been sitting out here in the ether for the past eight years, probably preventing me from getting jobs when employers Google me and find borderline racist/sexist/homophobic comments mixed in with years of fantasy football commentary. Actually, they probably don't get as far as the racist/sexist/homophobic comments; seeing years of work put into a fantasy football blog - and not one where you, like, give useful information to fantasy players - is probably reason enough not to hire anybody.
But anyway here we are! And years from now when people are marveling over the great novels written and great albums composed and great technologies innovated during the Covid Pandemic of 2020, I'll be able to say that I forced my friends to gather around their laptops on a Friday night to try to remember the best fake football players of the past twenty years and then spent hours and hours compiling their statistics and writing about it. Without further ado, let's dive in to Week 1!
But anyway here we are! And years from now when people are marveling over the great novels written and great albums composed and great technologies innovated during the Covid Pandemic of 2020, I'll be able to say that I forced my friends to gather around their laptops on a Friday night to try to remember the best fake football players of the past twenty years and then spent hours and hours compiling their statistics and writing about it. Without further ado, let's dive in to Week 1!
11.08.2012
NBD - Week 9 Review
Tuesday was Decision Day for America, and I think most of us - with the possible exceptions of Ms. PAC-Man Haller, log-cabin militiaman DeYoung, and maybe Derek and Papkin, whose politics are unknown to me - made what turned out to be the popular (not to mention correct) decision. But while most of America is content to cast their votes every few years, we here in NBD are forced to make much more difficult decisions every week. We scour the wire services, expert advice, and last-minute panicky voices in our heads to decide who to start and sit. Truthfully, most of us probably put more effort and thought into those decisions than we do into who we vote for. And yet, so often we are wrong. With that in mind, I've spent some time going back through the season and analyzing each owner's decisions over the course of this year.
There was a time when Yahoo(!) would tell you your Optimal Line-Up Score at the touch of a button, but they seem to have abandoned that, so I was left to my own devices to go back through each week of games and determine just how much you idiots could have scored if you had only played the right guys. After scouring the scoreboards for hours, I may have made a few mistakes here and there, but I believe I've more or less come to a solid calculation of just how many points each team could have scored every week if they'd played their top scorers. The one potential problem here is that with people picking up breakout players after the Thursday games, we sometimes end up with players on our end-of-week rosters who we did not actually have the option to play. Otherwise, though, I think the numbers are secure:
There was a time when Yahoo(!) would tell you your Optimal Line-Up Score at the touch of a button, but they seem to have abandoned that, so I was left to my own devices to go back through each week of games and determine just how much you idiots could have scored if you had only played the right guys. After scouring the scoreboards for hours, I may have made a few mistakes here and there, but I believe I've more or less come to a solid calculation of just how many points each team could have scored every week if they'd played their top scorers. The one potential problem here is that with people picking up breakout players after the Thursday games, we sometimes end up with players on our end-of-week rosters who we did not actually have the option to play. Otherwise, though, I think the numbers are secure:
10.17.2012
BaDoBuKiBro - Week 6 Review
I missed the Week 5 Review. Nobody seemed to notice. And yet I shall continue to chronicle the exploits of our young league, whether you bastards want me to or not! Here's Week 6:
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