BIFL 2009 Power Rankings 1.0

Here we are, 38.46% through the regular season, and despite my unfailing confidence in my team, I am currently mired in a four-way tie atop the Eastern Division rankings and have no real idea where I (or any of you) truly stand. After nights of tossing and turning, fretting over my status in the Biffle heirarchy, I decided to answer the question definitively and develop the first BIFL Power Rankings of the season. To determine these rankings, I asked myself one essential question: To what extent do I need to shit my pants when I'm playing each team? Can I walk into the game confidently, with my anus loosened, knowing that I've just recently taken a huge dump and my drawers will come out squeaky clean? Is this opponent my equal, nothing to really worry about but with the potential for a skidmark or two? Is it a sleeper, a seemingly impotent team that can sneak up and surprise me like a shart? Or is this a full-blown, lost at night in a bad neighborhood with a full, steaming pile locked and loaded, shit my pants situation? To help me determine each team's pants-shitting factor, I came up with a grading system for each team at each position. Each week in my Previews & Predictions, I consider match-ups, trends, injuries, etc., but for this ranking I wanted the ideal version of each team. So I went through the rosters and calculated the average output so far from each team's top quarterback, top two running backs, top three receivers (or in one case, two receivers and a tight end), and top tight end. I established a curve for each position, and graded the team on that curve. I then considered some qualitative factors like bench players, expected upturns/downturns in production, and my general opinion on how much I dislike the owner. The result: the BIFL 2009 Power Rankings 1.0


12) FUBAR (Spencer)
1-4, 388 pts
Grades: QB Drew Brees - B
RBs Darren Sproles
    Brian Westbrook - D
WR/TEs TJ Houshmandzadeh
    Calvin Johnson
    Jeremy Shockey - F
TE Chris Cooley - C
Notable Bench Players: Kyle Orton, Tashard Choice, Cadillac Williams
Key Moves: Added Caddy this week
Notes: Spence's is the only team with a second tight end (Shockey) who has out-produced their third wide receiver... Drew Brees is traditionally an A+ quarterback, but the Saints' recent focus on the run game and defense has hurt his value a bit... Calvin Johnson is the only stud amongst all the runners and pass-catchers, and he's having a sub-par season so far. Not good for FUBAR.

11) Charm City Murder (Andre)
2-3, 427 pts
Grades: QB Tony Romo - C+
RBs Willie Parker
    Jamal Lewis - F
WRs Steve Smith (NYG)
    Larry Fitzgerald
    Nate Washington - A
TE Dustin Keller - F
Notable Bench Players: Eli Manning, Brandon Jacobs, Terrell Owens
Key Moves: Added Steve Smith before Week 3; recently added Jamal Lewis
Notes: The receiving corps here is one of the best in the league, but pretty much everything else is a strikeout... Brandon Jacobs' weak start to the season has 'Dre scrambling at running back. He's now counting on Jamal Lewis playing in an offense that isn't going to create a lot of touchdown opportunities, and Willie Parker, who is returning from injury to find that his back-up (Rashard Mendenhall) has been pretty effective in his slot... Romo/Eli is a decent QB combination, and playing the match-ups right can get you a solid performance every week, but there are enough productive quarterbacks in this league that these guys will rarely present a significant advantage over their opponent.

10) Alligator Fuckhouse (Souts)
3-2, 465 pts
Grades: QB Tom Brady - D
RBs Mike Bell
    Thomas Jones - C+
WRs Jeremy Maclin
    Wes Welker
    Jerricho Cotchery - D+
Heath Miller - B
Notable Bench Players: Rashard Mendenhall, Fred Jackson, Julius Jones, Tony Gonzalez
Key Moves: Added Miller a few weeks ago; added Mike Bell this week
Notes: The RB grade is a little hard to pin down here. Based on his first few games, Mike Bell has the top average on the team, but I'm not expecting as much down the road with Pierre Thomas back. Then again, Mendenhall and Jones (in certain weeks) may be able to step up with similar production, so I'll stick with the numerically-produced C+... the receivers are even lousier, but Souts does have some trade ammunition with two good tight ends and depth at running back... Brady is obviously the big issue here. Kept in the first round, Souts needs him to return to 2007 form to make this team a legitimate threat. I don't see it happening.

9) Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (Dick)
3-2, 421 pts
Grades: QB Kurt Warner - C
RBs DeAngelo Williams
    Michael Bush - Super F
WRs Nate Burleson
    Hines Ward
    Santana Moss - B
TE Dallas Clark - A
Notable Bench Players: Carson Palmer, LaDainian Tomlinson, Derrick Ward
Key Moves: Added Bush last week
Notes: Last year, Warner and Williams were generally ranked and drafted late, and produced early-round numbers. This year, it's the exact opposite... This duo of running backs is averaging less than half what the top RB combinations in the league is doing... The receivers and tight end are quite solid, however, so if Warner or any of the backs can start stepping up, this instantly becomes a decent team.

8) Juse and the Argonauts
2-3, 422 pts
Grades: QB Jay Cutler - C
RBs Cedric Benson
    Steven Jackson - C
WRs Chad Ochocinco
    Johnny Knox
    Austin Collie - D+
TE Kellen Winslow - B+
Notable Bench Players: Dwayne Bowe, Reggie Bush, Darren McFadden
Key Moves: Adden Winslow last week; added Collie this week
Notes: I certainly wouldn't have predicted that Jackson would be the one bringing down the Benson-Jackson duo... S-Jax is historically a strong finisher, but I don't know if even he can overcome the sump pit that the Rams have become... I feel kind of bad that Jackson and Bowe, the two guys I traded to Juse last year as potential cornerstones of the franchise, have under-performed so badly, but the fact that Anquan Boldin, whom I traded them for, has sucked as well softens that blow... DMC: another year of suckitude.

7) Cholish Chachfaces (Chalski)
3-2, 441 pts
Grades: QB Ben Roethlisberger - B
RBs Marion Barber
    Ryan Grant - D+
WRs Vincent Jackson
    Santonio Holmes
    Steve Smith (CAR) - C+
TE Owen Daniels - B
Notable Bench Players: Philip Rivers, Knowshon Moreno
Key Moves: Chalski's eventual, inevitable move away from Jacksonville, Florida
Notes: This team is probably better than their grades indicate, with the ability to play the match-ups with Roethlisberger/Rivers elevating the QB grade, and the steady rise of Knowshon potentially bringing up the RB grade... Still, it's not a good sign when your one-man position grades are so much higher than your two- and three-man position grades... V-Jax is solid, but Santonio Holmes hasn't done much since opening night and Steve Smith has done a whole lot of fuming on the sidelines without a lot of action on the field... I have to think there are some owners out there interested in making a deal for Roethlisberger or Rivers that could give this team a boost at RB or WR.

6) I'm Here for the Gangbang (Chuck)
3-2, 422 pts
Grades: QB Matt Ryan - C+
RBs Frank Gore
    Willis McGahee - A+
WRs Roddy White
    Roy Williams
    Steve Breaston - C
TE Todd Heap - D+
Notable Bench Players: Joe Flacco, Steve Slaton
Key Moves: Acquired McGahee and White via trade for Randy Moss
Notes: I really liked this trade for Chuck, as it gave him two solid players in exchange for one, both of whom were drafted in later rounds (i.e. better keeper value). And as of last week's Roddypalooza, White is out-performing Moss... The RB grade here is based on Gore's per-game average, which comes from an admittedly small sample size, but between Gore, McGahee, and Slaton, I feel like the grade is legitimate... Similarly, the ability to rotate Ryan and Flacco (who's been a pleasant fantasy surprise) means that despite the C+, this team will be able to trot out a good quarterback most weeks.

5) Pet Monkey (Hollywood)
0-5, 436 pts
Grades: QB Aaron Rodgers - B+
RBs Ronnie Brown
    Correll Buckhalter - B
WRs Donald Driver
    Randy Moss
    Derrick Mason - C
TE Benjamin Watson - C
Notable Bench Players: Matt Cassel, Clinton Portis, Jason Witten, Joseph Addai
Key Moves: Acquired Moss via trade for Willis McGahee and Roddy White
Notes: Yes, they're 0-5, which makes a playoff berth unlikely, but this team still has plenty of pants-shitting potential in the regular season. Their record is largely a result of their 508 points against, highest in the league, and Billy being cursed... Do we all realize how good Ronnie Brown has been? As of now he's the 2nd-best RB in the league, and less than a point a game behind Adrian Peterson. It's not based on one fluke game, either. Since Week 1 he hasn't been out of double-digits and has surpassed 20 points three times... This receiving corps would have been badass in 2005. Surprisingly, they're still decent in '09... As noted in Chuck's write-up, I liked the trade better on the Gangbang side, but I can't blame Billy for dealing away White, who prior to last week had been shitty, and not wanting to deal with McGahee, who's going to give his owner headaches by scoring 3 touchdowns one week and 0 the next with no yardage to save him.

4) Ass-Ramming HotCocks (Sovic)
3-2, 462 pts
Grades: QB Donovan McNabb - A+
RBs Chris Johnson
    Michael Turner - A
WRs Marques Colston
    Kevin Walter
    Anquan Boldin - D
TE Jermichael Finley - C
Notable Bench Players: Pierre Thomas, Pierre Garcon
Key Moves: Added Finley last week; swapped Austin Collie for Pierre Garcon several weeks ago
Notes: The McNabb grade is based on only two games, so who knows how accurate that is, but considering that even Kevin Kolb was posting big numbers in Donovan's absence, I'd say the Philly passing game is sound... You could argue that the RB average is artificially boosted by Chris Johnson's one monster game, and I can't deny that, but considering that Johnson, Turner, and Thomas are all arguably RB1s, I don't think you can take too much away from the strength of this group of rushers... There's a pretty big disparity between the name value of the receivers and their actual production. I remain convinced that Boldin and Colston will live up to their reps, but if not it could be the downfall of this team... I had a hard time with ranking 4-6, and ultimately resorted to giving each of us a "GPA" where I weighted the RB and WR grades a little more than the other two. Even so, the difference between the three teams, GPA-wise, was a quarter of a point, so not a lot of separation there, and I could make a case for any of the three to be #4, but I write the blog (and had the highest GPA) so here I am.

3) Bardois Bourgeoisie (Bardey)
3-2, 490 pts
Grades: QB Matt Hasselbeck - C+
RBs Kevin Smith
    Ahmad Bradshaw - D+
WRs Andre Johnson
    Brandon Marshall
    Mario Manningham - A+
TE Vernon Davis - B
Notable Bench Players: Brett Favre, Matt Forte, Braylon Edwards
Key Moves: Added Mario Manningham in Week 2; added Vernon Davis a few weeks ago
Notes: It seems odd to rank a team with a D+ at running back this high, but the wide receivers here are awfully good, and the backs are on the uptick with Bradshaw emerging as the top option (at least fantasy-wise) in New York and Forte seemingly overcoming his early-season doldrums... Despite the low RB grade, the real liability for this team is at QB. Favre has been good, and Hasselbeck has come on strong recently, but would anyone be surprised if Brett's shoulder and Matt's back are both permanently listed in parentheses next to their names by Week 10?... Wanted to mention here that Carolina Steve Smith, Anquan Boldin, Terrell Owens, Wes Welker, TJ Houshmandzadeh, and Braylon Edwards were all drafted before Brandon Marshall, since we were all so worried about his pre-season suspension. Now he's hugging Josh McDaniels on the sideline and out-scoring all those dudes.

2) Merriman's Bitch-Chockers (Shoaf)
3-2, 527 pts
Grades: QB Peyton Manning - A+
RBs Adrian Peterson
    Ricky Williams - A
WRs Miles Austin
    Greg Jennings
    Devin Hester - C+
TE Brent Celek - B+
Notable Bench Players: Marshawn Lynch, Felix Jones, Anthony Gonzalez
Key Moves: Added Ricky Williams after the draft; added Brent Celek after Week 2; added Miles Austin right before his explosion
Notes: Manning and Peterson are tops at their positions, and the obvious stars of this team, but that RB grade is not all Peterson; Ricky Williams has been a valuable contributor... Average-wise, Austin is this team's top receiver, and that's based almost entirely on one performance. It'll be interesting to see, going forward, whether he remains the top option in Dallas or whether Roy Williams will re-assert himself... Gonzalez is in the same situation as Williams, potentially displaced during injury by players thought to be inferior, but if he can return to get even a piece of the Manning passing machine, he'll be a welcome addition to this team.

1) Chip Lohmiller (Dekker)
4-1, 555 pts
Grades: QB Matt Schaub - B
RBs Maurice Jones-Drew
    Ray Rice - B
WRs Reggie Wayne
    DeSean Jackson
    Mike Sims-Walker - Super A+
TE Antonio Gates - A
Notable Bench Players: Tim Hightower, LeSean McCoy, Percy Harvin
Key Moves: Added Sims-Walker before Week 3
Notes: This team is real good... Wayne and Jackson are two of the top six fantasy receivers in the league... The nice thing about MJD and Ray Rice is that it's guaranteed yardage every week. Jones-Drew gets like 75% of Jacksonville's plays called for him, and the Baltimore running game is like a machine, even if it's a machine that gives most of its touchdowns to Willis McGahee... Is it a coincidence that the four top-ranked teams in the league are owned by the author and most-dedicated readers of this blog? I don't think so. It's a simple equation, folks: read Lassard, have fantasy success. Read your own game re-caps and nothing else, go 0-5.