Can anyone explain to me Merril Hoge's obsession with the term "factorback" this season? He says "factorback" literally 10-15 times every broadcast he's on, and he's only onscreen for like 3-4 minutes per broadcast. It's an amazing rate. Anyways, let's see who the factorbacks are going to be in Biffle in Week 4:
Charm City Murder (1-2) vs. Ass-Ramming HotCocks (2-1)
I am not sure why Andre saw fit to change his team name from the relatively friendly "Kung Fu Rodents" to the stark, simple "Murder," but I'm sure that the city known to some as Bodymore, Murdaland has more of the latter than the former. Andre also thinks that he has gained the upper hand on me by invoking the considerable powers of Angela Lansbury, but what he may not have realized is that I have counteracted that mojo with a special power of my own: the classic Double-Pierre. That's right, I'm starting not one but two guys named Pierre (Thomas and Garcon) today, and that kind of double-frenchiness has never been seen here in BIFL. I believe their powers, combined with a strong day by Chris Johnson, will be enough to help the HotCocks overcome Dre's Giant attack of Eli Manning, Steve Smith, and Brandon Jacobs.
Cholish Chachfaces (2-1) vs. Bardois Bourgeoisie (1-2)
There's a cornerback who plays for the Oakland Raiders, and I can't remember his name right now, but it's something African, like Oshiomoghu Otogwe or Adewale Ogunleye or Emeka Okafor. God why can't I think of that guy's name? Anyways, he's a "shutdown corner," one of those guys who manages to keep top WRs quiet, and this week he's taking on Andre Johnson, who in a normal week would be the best shot on Bardey's roster to post big numbers. This means that Bardey will be counting on Matt Forte to finally regain his form against a Lions team that I pray to god wins again today to take some heat off of the Redskins. Chalski's big horses of the moment are the Rivers-Jackson connection, and they are taking on the defensively strong Steelers, but I don't think Pittsburgh shuts them down completely. I'm taking the Chachfaces.
FUBAR (1-2) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-1)
A rare and beautiful bird is flying through this game, one whose mating plumage is among nature's most astounding and alluring sights. I speak, of course, of the two-Tight End set, a formation that is permitted but rarely seen with our WR/TE flex position. Besides that rarity, I'm having a hard time noticing any separation between these two squads. Spence has the superior QB (Drew Brees), but he's taking on the stifling Jets defense. Souts has the superior RB (Fred Jackson), but he's shifting into a time-split this week with Marshawn Lynch back. But Spencer has Megatron and that beautiful Cooley-Shockey double, so I'm picking FUBAR.
Pet Monkey (0-3) vs. Chip Lohmiller (2-1)
In my Week 3 Review, I speculated that Dekker's squad might be the best team in the league. Billy's team, on the other hand, is winless and missing one of its best players (Roddy White) to the bye week. Add in the fact that Billy has lost the last four of these Spring Naught-Naught games, and I don't need a lot of line-up breakdown or match-up analysis to pick Chip Lohmiller in this one.
Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (2-1) vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (2-1)
Will has Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson on his team. So far this season, Manning is the top-scoring quarterback in the league (and, in fact, the top-scoring anything in the league). Peterson is the 2nd-highest-scoring running back in the league. Dick, on the other hand, is starting a decrepit LaDainian Tomlinson and perennial fill-in Maurice Morris. The choice is simple: Bitch-Chokers.
Juse and the Argonauts (1-2) vs. I'm Here for the Gangbang (2-1)
This is going to sound blasphemous, but could it be that Justin has too many good running backs? This week he's forced to choose between top keeper Steven Jackson, pleasant surprise Cedric Benson, fill-in hype machine Glen Coffee, and Darren McFadden, who's taking on the worst run defense in the league (Houston). At the moment, he's starting Jackson and Benson, but I couldn't fault him for any combination of these four. Unfortunately, this is Juse and Argonauts we're talking about here, so I fear that whichever two he goes with will be the inferior two. Still, compared to all of Gangbang's Ravens and Patriots (Flacco, Taylor, Moss), who I think will be locked in a low-scoring battle, he has reason to be confident. Let's go, Argos.
Last week: 5-1
Overall: 14-4 (Damn I'm good.)
Good luck to everyone this week except for Andre. Andre, I always felt you were the third-most talented Lizard King.
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