BIFL - Thanksgiving Unextraordinarium

The BIFL Week 11 Review should be a journal of last weekend's epic RV trip through Texas. It should also have been written a few days ago. But instead, it's Saturday evening, I still haven't written any game re-caps, three Week 12 NFL games have already happened, and I'm at my Nana's house. So for now, we're gonna rip through some reviews and previews, and next week, when I've got the time and access to Bernier's pictures (which I suspect will capture the trip a little better than Will's), I'll tell the tale of Gerald Riggs/Optimus Prime. 'Til then, be thankful for the following:


Week 11 Review
FUBAR (87) defeats Juse and the Argonauts (78)
There was a little bit of very good in this game and a lot of very bad. It being the holidays, we'll try to focus on the good. Spencer won the game, only his fourth of the year, and has the guys you'd expect to lead this team to thank. Drew Brees (19) and Calvin Johnson (26) were the lead hosses in this victory, and Megatron's performance must have been especially welcome for Spence since he's mostly been one of 2009's largest fantasy disappoinments. Juse also had a pair of big guns in Steven Jackson (19) and Jason Snelling (20). It's looking like Michael Turner will be back sooner than later, so the Snelling pick-up may not yield much more fruit, but at least for one week he was well worth Juse's faith in him. Unfortunately, Jackson/Snelling was not enough to overcome a miserable performance by the rest of the Argos, including Kellen Winslow (2), Austin Collie (1) and Lee Evans (1).

Bardois Bourgeoisie (108) defeats I'm Here for the Gangbang (50)
It's rare that you can more than double your opponent with 108 points, but Bardey pulled off that feat this week thanks to an anemic outing by the Gangbang. This shitfest from Chuck's team was pretty amazing, featuring four players with four points each (Roddy White, Greg Olsen, Jon Beason, and Olindo Mare), and three players with nothing at all (Roy Williams, Steve Breaston, and Kevin Williams). With no one else higher than 12 (Steve Slaton), there wasn't much chance that McNutt was producing a win. Bardey only needed three players to top Chuck's paltry score: Brett Favre (24), Kevin Smith (22), and... well, just about anyone else. Vernon Davis (18) alone would have given him a 14-point victory. Andre Johnson (13) would have made it a nine-point margin. Robbie Gould (15) would have been considered a powerhouse on the Gangbang roster. Basically, Chuck sucks and Bardey rules.

Cholish Chachfaces (110) defeat Pet Monkey (103)
I've been waiting all season to say this: Billy would have won if only he'd played Michael Crabtree. The margin of victory in this game (seven points) was less than the margin between Billy's low receiver (Donald Driver, 4) and the noted holdout (13). Where, after so many weeks holding on, was your faith, Hollywood? Where was the patience? I'll tell you where: in the garbage, along with the victory you threw away here. And a valuable victory it would have been, too, with so many teams lurking around the .500 mark, angling for playoff spots. Mark upped his chances of seeing the post-season thanks to Ben Roethlisberger (25) and Ryan Grant (23), who had his highest fantasy output of the season. Steve Smith 1.0 (15) also made a solid contribution to the victory. Their efforts were enough to surpass the millionth straight 20-plus day from Aaron Rodgers (26) and good outings from Laurence Maroney (17) and Derrick Mason (16).

Chip Lohmiller (119) defeats Charm City Murder (106)
When I forecast a Dekker win here, I figured it to be one of my easiest picks of the year. After all, Dekker's was the highest-scoring team in the league, and Andre's was among the worst. But give Charm City credit: they put up a good fight, and in fact the game was not decided until Monday night. So, you know, moral victories and all that. Still, Dekker's MNFers put it away pretty cleanly, with Matt Schaub (22) and Rob Bironas (13) securing a comfortable victory and their sixth straight week over the century mark. They were aided by DeSean Jackson (20), Maurice Jones-Drew (16), and Mike Sims-Walker (15). The Murder's surprising resistance came mostly from a surprising source indeed: Terrell Owens (29), who pretended, if only for a game, that it was 2006 instead of 2009. Larry Fitzgerald (15) also had a good day receiving, but the rest of Charm City couldn't help Andre overcome the league juggernaut.

Alligator Fuckhouse (134) defeats Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (95)
I don't know what to make of this Fuckhouse team. They're capable of posting monsters (167 in Week 6) and duds (69 in Week 9). If they manage to hold on to their #1 spot in the East, they could get a first-week bye and then need only two of those big days to take home a championship. Or they could lose the top spot, post a stinker in Week 14 and see themselves dumped in the first round of the playoffs. It's fascinating to watch, really, especially since they belong to our most ulcer-prone, anxiety-ridden owner, Souts. This was certainly an up week for the Fuckhousers, with every offensive player in double figures. Wes Welker (22) and Sidney Rice (20) topped them, but Tom Brady (18), Rashard Mendenhall (18), Tony Gonzalez (14) and Jerricho Cotchery (14) are also deserving of kudos. So: kudos, guys. The Poon-Pounders were respectable in defeat, with Hines Ward (20) leading the way. If Souts' team is a rollercoaster, Dick's is a desert highway: flat and straight. Consistency is good, but only if you're consistently good. Dick still has some work to do to get there.

Merriman's Bitch Chokers (107) defeat Ass-Ramming HotCocks (105)
Aw, fuck. With all the travelling and holidays and whatnot, I had totally forgotten how much this loss fucking sucked. It really did, though. I spent the weekend with Will, and he was able to bask in the glory of Ricky Williams' Thursday night 34 all weekend. Greg Jennings (22) also had a decent day, but I closed it up thanks to Zombie Anquan Boldin (18), Visanthe Shiancoe (13), and Donovan McNabb (17). Going into Monday night, I was 23 points down: a significant margin, but nothing to the superhuman powers of Chris Johnson, who was averaging nearly 32 points in his previous four games. And he even had Kevin Walter to help him. But Johnson had his lowest point total (17) since Week 6, and Walter (4) sucked as usual. Most painful? My toughest choice of the week was between Walter, Pierre Garcon, and Robert Meachem. I picked the only one who wouldn't have won me the game. Fuck me.

That closes the book on Week 11, and Week 12 in the NFL is already three games deep in the NFL. Let's see how our BIFL match-ups are shaping up:
Week 12 Predictions

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (6-5) vs. Charm City Murder (3-8)
I have written thousands of words about fantasy football this year. I spend hours and hours every week reading anything written online about the NFL or fantasy. I am in three leagues. And yet I have never, ever heard of George Wilson, who is apparently eligible as both a Safety and a Wide Receiver, and is starting at the latter for Andre this week. This unknown factor has me scared, real scared. But you know what eases my fear? Eli Manning, and his paltry 5-point Thanksgiving performance. Thank you, Eli, for allowing me to confidently pick the HotCocks this week.

Bardois Bourgeoisie (5-6) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (6-5)
Six guys have already played in this one, and none of them has been impressive. They're a half point apart right now, and both have similar outlooks going forward: Good QBs taking on lousy defenses and two good receiving threats. It might just come down to the kickers, and I'll take Nate Kaeding vs. KC over Robbie Gould vs. Minny any day. Congrats, Choland.

Alligator Fuckhouse (7-4) vs. FUBAR (4-7)
Holy shit. Charles Woodson has already scored 21 points. In another week, I might go back through the historical records and see if that is the highest IDP total of all time. This week, however, my time is limited, so I'm just gonna go ahead and declare that is is. Congrats, Charles! Souts' team was already way better than Spence's, so with that kind of production from the defense this should be an easy win for the Fuckhouse. Still, I'll give credit to Spencer for starting guys named Rock and Cadillac. Nice nouns, Jones.

Chip Lohmiller (8-3) vs. Pet Monkey (5-6)
Holy shit again. We just keep setting imaginary records here. If Woodson's was the top IDP performance ever, Pet Monkey might have the highest pre-Sunday total ever, with 61 coming from Aaron Rodgers, Donald Driver, Jason Witten and Tyvon Branch. Meyers has lost five in a row to Dekker, but with this kind of start, this may just be the time for Pet Monkey to have its revenge.

I'm Here for the Gangbang (5-6) vs. Juse and the Argonauts (5-6)
Last week's two lowest-scoring teams face off in what's sure to be a dull, uneventful affair. I see Juse's success hinging on Jason Snelling, and as of this writing it's looking like Michael Turner will at least see some snaps, if not the majority. Sorry Juse, this one goes to the Gangbang.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (4-7) vs. Merriman's Bitch Chokers (8-3)
The big news in Pittsburgh, whence I am writing this post, is that Ben Roethlisberger is not going to play tomorrow and Dennis Dixon will be under center for the Steelers. That spells bad news for Hines Ward, and that spells bad news for the Poon-Pounders, where Ward is the only dependable receiver. Squaring off against one of the top teams in BIFL, you need every weapon you can get, and Dick's got very few. Advantage: Chokers.

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 37-23
Good luck to everyone this week except for Andre. Andre lives in (near?) Baltimore. Baltimore's football team is the Ravens. A Raven is similar to a crow. A group of crows is called a murder. This may be the explanation for Andre's team name. I cracked your code, you son of a bitch!