BIFL - Playoffs Rounds 2 & 3 Review

Yuh-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.
I think I did it again. It's all over, folks, and your champions - for the third time in four years - are the Ass-Ramming HotCocks.  And while the first two championship teams had quite a bit of carry-over, the only player in common between the 2007 Champs and this year's was London Fletcher. What up, LFB! I believe that's what you call a dynasty, and it's also a big middle finger to anyone who doubted my #1 Power Ranking. Who's laughing now?

...actually, it's Shoaf and Bardey, who are splitting my winnings due to the fact that I owe them both a bunch of money. Oh well, I'll always have my imaginary trophy and the history page of the BIFL site. And this blog entry, which chronicles the final two rounds of the playoffs... after the jump.

Playoffs Round 2
Ass-Ramming HotCocks (78) defeat Bardois Bourgeoisie (78)
OK, maybe I shouldn't be crowing about winning the championship, considering that I was awfully lucky just to be there. First I got a Bye out of the first round despite the fact that two teams in the league had better records (Thanks, Eastern Division!). Then I drew Bardey, probably the weakest team on paper, in the second round. True to that reputation, the Bourgeoisie did not do much in Week 15, with only Andre Johnson (21) and Brandon Marshall (13) showing up to play. Every other Bourgie starter - other than the kicker - was in single digits. So I should have had an easy path to the Final, right? Except that my guys sucked it up, too. Donovan McNabb (20) was pretty much the lone bright spot among the HotCocks. Chris Johnson (15) had a pretty shitty day by his standards, but luckily for me that's still better than almost any other player in fantasy. Anquan Boldin's 13 points locked in a 1-point victory for me, that is until the NFL ruled that a pass that had given Q 82 receiving yards was actually a lateral, giving him 77 receiving yards and five rushing yards, which is worthless in our still-in-the-20th-Century no-fractional-points league. That brought the score to a tie, with the HotCocks advancing thanks to their higher seed. After some discussion between Doit, Shoaf and I, we agreed that the seed as the tie-breaker makes sense (it rewards regular season success), but that it might be more in the spirit of our league to change it in the future to IDP performance, since that is such a unique feature of our league. A matter for summer discussion, to be sure, but for now the HotCocks managed to live another day.

Chip Lohmiller (141) defeats Alligator Fuckhouse (63)
Yow.
Dekker had a pretty phenomenal regular season, and only two of his scores were higher than his Week 15 total. Souts had a very erratic regular season, with some incredible highs and embarrassing lows, but he never scored less than he did in Week 15. That should tell you all you need to know about this game. If the Bourgeoisie-HotCocks game was as tight as a drum, this match-up was as loose as Dekker's sister. Hi-yo!!! (Note: I don't actually remember if Dekker has a sister, and there's a possibility that if he does, she's like 10. But whatever.) The top three Lohmillers - Maurice Jones-Drew (29), Reggie Wayne (23), and DeSean Jackson (22) - would have beaten the entire Fuckhouse team by 11. Not comfortable stopping there, Dekker threw in a Matt Schaub (18) and a Josh Cribbs (12). Brutal. The only Fuckhouser I will mention is Rashard Mendenhall (16), who apparently did not get the memo about his team taking the week off. I will note this, though: I'm not saying that it's his fault, or that I would have set my line-up any different, or that it would have even made a remote dent in Dekker's lead, but it's interesting to me that Soutendijk ended up with a higher-scoring option on the bench at QB, RB, WR, WR/TE, and TE. Woof.

5th-Place Game: Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (131) defeat Pet Monkey (122)
Billy probably said it best when commenting: "Would've been nice if we had done this last week, huh?" This was the type of performance that led to both of these teams being favorites in the Round 1 games. After a measly seven points in Week 14, Aaron Rodgers (41) made up for it and then some here, even if it was too little, too late. Billy's Patriots also got back on track, with Laurence Maroney and Randy Moss combining for 27 points. And Derrick Mason (14) had a second straight strong week. And even with all that, Pet Monkey had to settle for sixth, because the Bitch-Chokers were outstanding in Week 15. The Bitch-Choker offense was an onslaught in Round 2, with five players well into double-figures. Peyton Manning (30) did his best to minimize the effects of Rodgers' big day. Adrian Peterson (16) had his millionth straight high-teens outing. Ricky Williams (14) continued his successful run to end the season. Miles Austin (23) solidified his case as top free agent pick-up of the year. And even Greg Jennings (21), the year-long disappointment, showed up. It was everything Will hoped his playoffs would be... and it won him fifth place. Congratulations, Shoaf!
(Note: This game actually happened again this week, and Billy won. So I suppose we could take the aggregate scores or something - Shoaf would win - or call it a tie at 1-1, but since in any other tournament format this would be the 5th-place game, that's what I'm calling it.)

Playoffs Round 3
3rd-Place Game: Alligator Fuckhouse (91) defeats Bardois Bourgeoisie (66)
Having suffered through injuries and general shittiness all season, Bardey called into service two Redskins to take his fantasy squad through the playoffs: Devin Thomas and Quinton Ganther. Well, I attended the 'Skins-Cowboys game on Sunday night, and I will tell you this: no one with any Redskins offensive player deserved to win a fantasy game in Week 16, and likely nobody did. It was awful. And embarrassing. And Thomas (0) and Ganther (2) were only the beginning of Bardois' woes, with Chris Jennings (0) and Brandon Marshall (3) coming out just as shitty. Brett Favre (21) and Andre Johnson (13) fought as much as they could, but ultimately the Bourgies just didn't have it in them to fight for third. That led Souts to an easy victory and his highest finish ever in BIFL. The Fuckhousers were led once again this week by Tom Brady (26) and Thomas Jones (18), both of whom spent the entire season disproving my low expectations of them, just like Souts. Wes Welker (15) and Sidney Rice (11) also chipped in, and though the point total was not terribly high, Soutendijk has plenty to be proud of after this fantasy season.


Championship Game: Ass-Ramming HotCocks (129) defeat Chip Lohmiller (96)
Much was made earlier in the season of Dekker's shit-talking to me, especially with regards to my decision to draft Anquan Boldin over Reggie Wayne, who fell to him with the next pick. So it was an opportunity for sweet revenge when we met in the Finals, and it was even sweeter when Dekker decided that Reggie Wayne wasn't even worth a start! Ultimately, that turned out to be a pretty wise decision, as Wayne scored only three points. But who would have guessed that Dekker would have left two running backs on the bench (Jerome Harrison, 20; Jamaal Charles, 14) who would out-score Maurice Jones-Drew (9). It was that sort of sub-par performance that led Dekker, the regular season champ and long-time favorite, to fall at the hands of the HotCocks. The unofficial BIFL Team of the Decade knows how to win championships, and we brought it in Week 16, with six offensive players in double-digits (and a defensive one to boot). Donovan McNabb (30), who I've drafted time after time across my many leagues, despite his propensity to disappoint me/leave his best performances on the bench, finally came through with his best performance of the year when I needed it most. 2009 BIFL MVP Chris Johnson (26) delivered as usual, and the Saints triumvirate came through with 30 points between them. Oh, and who was the highest-scoring receiver in the Championship game? Anquan Boldin, of course, with 13 points. Normally, I would congratulate my vanquished opponent, laud his excellent season, and walk away a gracious winner. But Dekker talked shit, he interrupted my streak of championships last year, and he spent the holidays in god damn Jamaica, while I was under two feet of snow in Northern Virginia. So fuck you, Dekker: second is the first loser.