BIFL - Week 7 Review B

I just turned on the TV in my room and it happened to be on NBC and the Tonight Show. Conan is talking to a bat expert. I get that having animal experts on talk shows is a time-honored tradition, and I get that Halloween is coming up so it's thematically appropriate or whatever, but this shit is awful. He just tried to feed blood from an eye dropper to a vampire bat, and the bat wasn't remotely interested so he just ended up with blood droplets all over his face and in his eyes and shit. I think this type of garbage guest is probably a result of the Leno-at-10 effect, so I will say this for the thousandth time in my life: Fuck you, Jay Leno.
Fortunately, it's NBA opening week and two of my favorite basketball teams, the Nuggets and the Trail Blazers, are playing on TNT. My favorite team, the Blazers, are winning, but it's a real close game. Speaking of close games...

NBD - Week 7 Review B

Halloween's nearly upon us, and I've been searching for a costume. I was originally slated to go as El Guapo, along with three other dudes who were gonna be Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms, and Ned Neiderlander, but then the ringleader flaked and that plan fell through. (Also, I had to shave my El Guapo 'stache for a job interview.) Anyways, it's now looking like I'm going with a group of people doing a Price is Right theme, and I'm going to be Hans the Yodeler from the "Cliff Hangers" game.

BIFL - Week 7 Review A

Due to a combination of travel, family time, the Redskins playing on Monday night, the start of the NBA season, job interviews, the arrival of Bill Simmons' basketball book to my season, and the onset of fantasy b-ball season, I've been a bit derelict in my duties of late. I'm going to try to plow through three game re-caps today and three more tomorrow. Here goes:

NBD - Week 7 Review A

Due to a combination of travel, family time, the Redskins playing on Monday night, the start of the NBA season, job interviews, the arrival of Bill Simmons' basketball book to my Kindle, and the onset of fantasy b-ball season, I've been a bit derelict in my duties of late. I'm going to try to plow through three game re-caps today and three more tomorrow. Here goes:

BIFL - Week 6 Review C

I saved the big boys for last.

NBD - Week 6 Review C

In this post I'll be reviewing the game between Matt Haller and Michael Toobin, but before I do I'd like to take a minute to discuss this weekend's trade between them, and Haller's trade-happy season in general.

First of all, let me say that I'm pleased as punch to see as many trades as we have in the league this year. Historically, people have been pretty stingy with trades in this league and most of us are reluctant to pull the trigger for fear of looking stupid (and perhaps even for fear of being mocked in this space). Haller has demonstrated no such reluctance this year. Let's look at each one:

BIFL - Week 6 Review B

As most of you probably know, there is an ongoing game on the BIFL message board wherein one of us puts up a few quotes from a classic movie and the rest try to identify it. The fun is not really in guessing, but in reminding ourselves of some of the old movies we love. Recently, I chose an absolute favorite of mine from back in the day, but so far nobody has guessed it. Since I can't bear to go any longer without acknowledging the brilliance of this film, I hereby present...

NBD - Week 6 Review B

Let me take this opportunity to congratulate Justin Koehler on the birth of his first son, Isaac Stone. So far as I know, this is the first Son of NBD* (other than those of us who dragged our dads into the league), and should be the elder statesman of the league once we've all kicked it and handed our franchises over to our heirs. The Koehlers are keeping a blog chronicling little Isaac's growth, and I was pleased to see that just the second entry on that blog was largely devoted to Ike's effect on the fantasy football fortunes of Michael Turner. Well done, Koehler. Now onto your game, which had a similarly joyful result:

BIFL - Week 6 Review A

Las week I published my first Power Rankings of the season, so of course immediately this weekend people started to prove me wrong, foremost among them my good buddy Steve Soutendijk and the last-ranked team in the league...

NBD - Week 6 Review A

I'm not sure if this happened everywhere, or only on the DirecTV service that was used at Off the Wagon, or even just at that bar, but there was a five-minute stretch yesterday where the feed from the Chiefs-Redskins game went out and our channel switched over the Ravens-Vikings game. Those five minutes were the happiest part of my Sunday.

As usual, a few NBD games have been decided even before tonight's contest between the Chargers and Broncos. Diving in...

BIFL - Week 6 Previews & Predictions

You know what I wish Chris Berman would tell me more about? How long he and Tom Jackson have been doing NFL Countdown together for. Every week I forget. Has it been 22 years? 23? 24? And every week he's there to remind me. Thanks, Chris! Congratulations on doing a cushy, once-a-week job for over two decades, and fake-laughing at the same smiling jackass for all of them!

On to this week's games...

NBD - Week 6 Previews & Predictions

I'm watching SportsCenter, and I just saw Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett celebrating a touchdown pass and thought to myself "Oooh I'd tweak my back if I celebrated like that." That's right, I long ago gave up on matching the athletic feats of the guys I see on SportsCenter, but now I'm old and creaky enough to even have to forget about matching their celebratory dances. Oy vey.

Still young enough to write about imaginary football, though! Here we go with Week 6:

BIFL 2009 Power Rankings 1.0

Here we are, 38.46% through the regular season, and despite my unfailing confidence in my team, I am currently mired in a four-way tie atop the Eastern Division rankings and have no real idea where I (or any of you) truly stand. After nights of tossing and turning, fretting over my status in the Biffle heirarchy, I decided to answer the question definitively and develop the first BIFL Power Rankings of the season. To determine these rankings, I asked myself one essential question: To what extent do I need to shit my pants when I'm playing each team? Can I walk into the game confidently, with my anus loosened, knowing that I've just recently taken a huge dump and my drawers will come out squeaky clean? Is this opponent my equal, nothing to really worry about but with the potential for a skidmark or two? Is it a sleeper, a seemingly impotent team that can sneak up and surprise me like a shart? Or is this a full-blown, lost at night in a bad neighborhood with a full, steaming pile locked and loaded, shit my pants situation? To help me determine each team's pants-shitting factor, I came up with a grading system for each team at each position. Each week in my Previews & Predictions, I consider match-ups, trends, injuries, etc., but for this ranking I wanted the ideal version of each team. So I went through the rosters and calculated the average output so far from each team's top quarterback, top two running backs, top three receivers (or in one case, two receivers and a tight end), and top tight end. I established a curve for each position, and graded the team on that curve. I then considered some qualitative factors like bench players, expected upturns/downturns in production, and my general opinion on how much I dislike the owner. The result: the BIFL 2009 Power Rankings 1.0

NBD 2009 Power Rankings 1.0

We've reached the 5/13ths point of the season, traditionally the time to take stock of where each team has been and where it's going. With that in mind, I embarked on a mission to establish some Power Rankings, and to do so in a systematic way. First what I did was look at the optimum line-up of each team. I established the weekly averages of the top quarterback, top three running backs, top three wide receivers, and tight end on each team. I decided to include three backs and receivers because I assumed that the team's RB3 and WR3 would be most often called into duty in the flex position or as a bye-week replacement. Then, since I am a teacher without a classroom, I graded each team at each position. This grade is reflective of each team's optimum production from that position so far this season. Once the grades were given, I developed my rankings from them, with a particular emphasis on the running back and wide receiver grades, since those represent the biggest chunks of scoring. Finally, I considered some qualitative factors (injuries, people I feel are bound to improve, etc.) and looked at the moves each owner had made (reasoning that an owner who had made good or bad moves already would continue to do so over the course of the season) to complete the rankings.
Gentlemen, your 2009 NBD Power Rankings 1.0

BIFL - Week 5 Review C

I saw today on NFL Live that Commissioner Roger Goodell was unenthusiastic about the possibility of Rush Limbaugh becoming a potential part-owner of the St. Louis Rams, and that the main figure in that buyout push, Dave Checketts, was dropping Limbaugh from the group. Now, as a commie pinko, that makes me happy, and I'd love to believe that the Ginger Hammer's comments and Checketts decision were motivated by a realization that they didn't want to be associated with a fascist. But I know that's not the situation. I don't know much about Checketts, but Goodell is practically a fascist himself. He probably loves Limbaugh. But these are also businessmen, and they realize that, with the amount of public vitriol out there against Rush, his part in the ownership team would have meant bad business, with likely outcry amongst some fans and probable disgruntlement amongst players and coaches leading to lost revenues. And so it comes to be that the man who has made millions by polarizing the populace and playing on people's basest instincts and fears is kept from his dream of owning an NFL team by the same capitalistic impulses that he has so vociferously defended all these years. Thanks, Justice. Normally you fuck me over any chance you can get, but today you made me happy.

On to the rest of the Week 5 slate:

NBD - Week 5 Review C

Let's finish up these game re-caps so I can get down to the nitty-gritty of some Power Rankings.

BIFL - Week 5 Review B

Diving right into this:

NBD - Week 5 Review B

Gotta start this one off with a shout-out to Michael Toobin, who hooked me up this weekend with a ride to Screen's wedding, some kind words on the blog, and some sound estate planning advice. I'm going with the revocable living trust! (I want to keep my affairs private and confidential and give myself the opportunity to move to or own property in another state.) Happy 60th, Mr. T! Sorry I have to start off these reviews with...

BIFL - Week 5 Review A

This would be probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Seriously. But I would want to be sure he brought in Zed as an "extra set of eyes." Thanks for the link, Doit, though I should point out that you are actually the Commish of this league. Probably something you should know.

Games:

NBD - Week 5 Review A

Having spent Sunday on Trost's couch, rather than my usual perch in front of fifty TVs at an NYC beeratorium, and Monday night on an over-heated  bus, I have no idea what happened in the majority of this weekend's games. I feel both under-informed to write these reviews and excited at finding out what the fuck happened. Here we go:

BIFL - Week 5 Previews & Predictions

Going to a wedding this weekend, so P&P is early and brief.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (3-1) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (2-2)
I was worried, but then I realized that Chalski has the wrong Steve Smith. Hey, that Massaquoi kid was great for a week, wasn't he? HotCocks.

Charm City Murder (1-3) vs. FUBAR (1-3)
Just listen to the names on Spence's team: Kyle Orton. Jerome Harrison. Tashard Choice. Bobby Wade. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2018 Hall of Fame induction class. Murder wins. (It always does.)

Bardois Bourgeoisie (2-2) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (3-1)
Braylon Edwards is on the Jets! That's going to change him from a total shitter to a productive receiver, right? Fuckhouse.

I'm Here for the Gangbang (2-2) vs. Pet Monkey (0-4)
You're due, Billy. You're due. Pet Monkey.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (3-1) vs. Chip Lohmiller (3-1)
Dekker's team scares me. I can't wait 'til they fall apart. But it's not yet. Lohmiller.

Juse and the Argonauts (2-2) vs. Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (2-2)
Juse, I'm sorry that Darren McFadden fucked you again. And that Dwayne Bowe has sucked. And that Steven Jackson plays for the worst team in the league. Bitch-Chokers.

Last week: 3-3
Overall: 17-7
Good luck to everyone this week, except Chalski. I'm not gonna blow smoke up your ask, Chalski. Your kid is ugly.

NBD - Week 5 Previews & Predictions

Going to a wedding this weekend, so P&P will be short and sweet. I have started working on the Power Rankings, but am not done yet so they'll have to wait 'til next week.

The Death Panel (2-2) vs. ConsultaBingo-Caller (1-3)
I believe in you, Matt Cassel. Don't let me down. Death Panel wins.

Roger's Oyster Lunch (2-2) vs. Bartelby (4-0)
This is going to be one of the worst games in league history. Bartelby wins.

You Got Got (2-2) vs. Burke City Giants (4-0)
Another old shitter stays undefeated. God dammit, Burke City Giants.

0-4 But Not a Skins Fan (0-4) vs. Deuceburger (2-2)
Not even looking at the players in this one. I want Koehler to keep having to change his name to "0-X But Not a Skins Fan." Go, Deuceburger, go.

Papkin's Team (2-2) vs. Woody's Warriors (1-3)
This shit is disturbing. I want with every ounce of my being to pick against Papkin, and yet his team is better. Papkin.

Mental Errors (1-3) vs. Wild Stallions (3-1)
Claim your birthright, Elliott. Claim it! Errors.

Last week: 3-3
Overall: 16-8
Good luck to everyone this week, except for 'Tosis, you soulless fuck.

BIFL - Week 4 Review C

First, I'd like to introduce you guys to my new girlfriend:

Her name is Manuela Arbelaez, and she's one of the Beauties on the Price is Right. We fell in love over a new dinette set. She told me those tatas and more could be mine IF... the price is right.

Next I'd like to remind you to check in on the Crabtree Watch over in the margin before moving on to read the last of this week's re-caps, after the jump.

NBD - Week 4 Review C

It was an exciting Wednesday in the NFL, which normally eats shit as far as mid-season moves go, but in the past 24 hours the news broke that Braylon Edwards and Chansi Stuckey were switching places and that Michael Crabtree had finally signed. The Crabtree Drop Alert has been modified accordingly.

Now let's finish up those Week 4 game re-caps (after the jump, of course):

BIFL - Week 4 Review B

If you read Part A, you know that many games hung in the balance of the Monday Night game. Unfortunately, none of them really worked out into any kind of excitement. Try to get psyched for these game write-ups anyway. (After the jump)

NBD - Week 4 Review B

Well, it seems that football is a game for the elderly. Not only did Brett Favre lead his team to an undefeated record last night, but our resident old fucks, Michael Toobin and Ray Tarasovic, are similarly undefeated after four weeks of play. I can't wait 'til next year when I turn 30; maybe then I can start winning some fantasy championships!

As always, don't forget about Part A, while Part B write-ups are after the jump.

BIFL - Week 4 Review A

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

NBD - Week 4 Review A

Well, tonight we finally get to see the ol' fucktard take on his former team, and hopefully the weeks of media coverage and stories of vengeance and sentimentality can be put to bed. In watching the build-up, I just saw Michele Tafoya detail a conversation she'd had with Aaron Rodgers (who - would you believe it? - is also playing in tonight's game) in which he used another tired figure that needs to be retired. When asked if the crowd noise at the Metrodome would be a disadvantage, Rodgers answered "Yeah, but it is what it is." Can we please retire this useless phrase? Say what you will about coach-speak, or "Both teams played hard" style empty post-game blather, but at least most of the bullshit espoused by athletes and coaches can be parsed into some kind of meaning. "It is what it is" literally means nothing at all. The answer "Yeah, but it is what it is" means absolutely the same thing as simply saying "Yeah." I wish I were a professional athlete or talking head, so that I could give interviews and answer questions with phrases like "Yeah, but stuff can be things" and then have it repeated on national television as though it's some pearl of wisdom. I realize that the readership of this blog represents about one billionth of a percent of the sports-watching world and absolutely zero percent of the professional sports-playing world, but if we brave few begin the process of refusing to accept this empty, worthless cliche, maybe someday we can see it eradicated in the world at large.

As always, some games have been decided before Monday Night Football even begins. Those write-ups, after the jump.

Monday Morning Dump

I don't know if this will become a regular feature, or even if I'll ever do it again, but back in fantasy basketball season, I published a daily "Morning Dump," highlighting that day's "Hot Shit" (top performance), "Loose Stool" (biggest disappointment), and "Upper Decker" (best day left on the bench). Since it's 1am, and since I just woke up from a 5-hour passout (Damn you, car bombs! [raises fist to sky] DAMN YOU, CAR BOMBS!), and since I don't have a job to go to tomorrow morning: here is your Morning Dump

Hot Shit:
Steve Smith (Charm City Murder, I'm at the Pizza Hut)
11 receptions, 134 yards, 2 touchdowns

Loose Stool:
LaDainian Tomlinson (Iron Chef of Pounding Poon, Roger's Oyster Lunch)
7 carries, 15 yards, 1 reception, -1 yards

Upper Decker:
Rashard Mendenhall (Alligator Fuckhouse *)
29 carries, 165 yards, 2 receptions, 26 yards, 2 touchdowns

*Note: Mendenhall is on Woody's Warriors in NBD, but Woody actually started him, so didn't qualify as an Upper Decker)

Also: I'm watching DVR'd Saturday Night Live right now. Two things: 1) the Norwegian actors skit is funny, and proves that Armisen is the modern Hartman in terms of making any sketch he's in at least kind of funny; 2) okay, Lady Gaga. You've convinced me. I like "Paparazzi."

BIFL - Week 4 Previews & Predictions

Can anyone explain to me Merril Hoge's obsession with the term "factorback" this season? He says "factorback" literally 10-15 times every broadcast he's on, and he's only onscreen for like 3-4 minutes per broadcast. It's an amazing rate. Anyways, let's see who the factorbacks are going to be in Biffle in Week 4:

Charm City Murder (1-2) vs. Ass-Ramming HotCocks (2-1)
I am not sure why Andre saw fit to change his team name from the relatively friendly "Kung Fu Rodents" to the stark, simple "Murder," but I'm sure that the city known to some as Bodymore, Murdaland has more of the latter than the former. Andre also thinks that he has gained the upper hand on me by invoking the considerable powers of Angela Lansbury, but what he may not have realized is that I have counteracted that mojo with a special power of my own: the classic Double-Pierre. That's right, I'm starting not one but two guys named Pierre (Thomas and Garcon) today, and that kind of double-frenchiness has never been seen here in BIFL. I believe their powers, combined with a strong day by Chris Johnson, will be enough to help the HotCocks overcome Dre's Giant attack of Eli Manning, Steve Smith, and Brandon Jacobs.

Cholish Chachfaces (2-1) vs. Bardois Bourgeoisie (1-2)
There's a cornerback who plays for the Oakland Raiders, and I can't remember his name right now, but it's something African, like Oshiomoghu Otogwe or Adewale Ogunleye or Emeka Okafor. God why can't I think of that guy's name? Anyways, he's a "shutdown corner," one of those guys who manages to keep top WRs quiet, and this week he's taking on Andre Johnson, who in a normal week would be the best shot on Bardey's roster to post big numbers. This means that Bardey will be counting on Matt Forte to finally regain his form against a Lions team that I pray to god wins again today to take some heat off of the Redskins. Chalski's big horses of the moment are the Rivers-Jackson connection, and they are taking on the defensively strong Steelers, but I don't think Pittsburgh shuts them down completely. I'm taking the Chachfaces.

FUBAR (1-2) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-1)
A rare and beautiful bird is flying through this game, one whose mating plumage is among nature's most astounding and alluring sights. I speak, of course, of the two-Tight End set, a formation that is permitted but rarely seen with our WR/TE flex position. Besides that rarity, I'm having a hard time noticing any separation between these two squads. Spence has the superior QB (Drew Brees), but he's taking on the stifling Jets defense. Souts has the superior RB (Fred Jackson), but he's shifting into a time-split this week with Marshawn Lynch back. But Spencer has Megatron and that beautiful Cooley-Shockey double, so I'm picking FUBAR.

Pet Monkey (0-3) vs. Chip Lohmiller (2-1)
In my Week 3 Review, I speculated that Dekker's squad might be the best team in the league. Billy's team, on the other hand, is winless and missing one of its best players (Roddy White) to the bye week. Add in the fact that Billy has lost the last four of these Spring Naught-Naught games, and I don't need a lot of line-up breakdown or match-up analysis to pick Chip Lohmiller in this one.

Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (2-1) vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (2-1)
Will has Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson on his team. So far this season, Manning is the top-scoring quarterback in the league (and, in fact, the top-scoring anything in the league). Peterson is the 2nd-highest-scoring running back in the league. Dick, on the other hand, is starting a decrepit LaDainian Tomlinson and perennial fill-in Maurice Morris. The choice is simple: Bitch-Chokers.

Juse and the Argonauts (1-2) vs. I'm Here for the Gangbang (2-1)
This is going to sound blasphemous, but could it be that Justin has too many good running backs? This week he's forced to choose between top keeper Steven Jackson, pleasant surprise Cedric Benson, fill-in hype machine Glen Coffee, and Darren McFadden, who's taking on the worst run defense in the league (Houston). At the moment, he's starting Jackson and Benson, but I couldn't fault him for any combination of these four. Unfortunately, this is Juse and Argonauts we're talking about here, so I fear that whichever two he goes with will be the inferior two. Still, compared to all of Gangbang's Ravens and Patriots (Flacco, Taylor, Moss), who I think will be locked in a low-scoring battle, he has reason to be confident. Let's go, Argos.

Last week: 5-1
Overall: 14-4 (Damn I'm good.)
Good luck to everyone this week except for Andre. Andre, I always felt you were the third-most talented Lizard King.

NBD - Week 4 Previews & Predictions

There's a bunch of good games on the schedule this weekend (Pats-Ravens, Jets-Saints, Chargers-Steelers, and Packers-Vikings), so let's hope that translates into good games here in NBD.

The Death Panel (1-2) vs. You Got Got (2-1)
This is the first face-off Colly and I have had since we separated as roommates, and I'm ready to unleash years of (barely) stifled frustration. For every unwashed dish left in the sink, for every time I had to break into his room to find a drinking glass, for every empty pack of cigarettes found in the living room, mere feet from the garbage can where they should have been, Drew Brees will throw a touchdown. Then again, Cletus surely has a laundry list of similar grievances, and Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew are likely to be flying around the field, driven by the fury of greasy popcorn bowls, late-night Rock Band sessions, and stinky towels in the bathroom. Come to think of it, I must have been a pretty awful roommate to force JPC back to his hated DC, so I'm probably about to Get Got.

Roger's Oyster Lunch (2-1) vs. Burke City Giants (3-0)
Derek's team was already bad, and this week his one bright spot, the emerging LeSean McCoy, has a bye. Michael will be missing DeAngelo Williams, but he's still stacked with Peyton Manning, Randy Moss, and Vincent Jackson. This should be a rout for the Giants.

Kristin's Hills Are Alive (1-2) vs. Wild Stallions (2-1)
I got a picture-text of these two drunk assholes last night, and let me tell you that despite the outcome of this game, neither of these guys will come out a winner. They are in Chapel Hill together, though, so at least they'll get to watch with each other as their awful contest unfolds. Haller impressed me last year by finding a way to put a tilde in his team name, which I still haven't figured out how to do, but his new name has an unforgiveable grammatical error (a misplaced apostrophe) which pisses me off to no end. He's also still starting Derrick Ward, which infuriates me just as much. DeYoung doesn't have anyone on his team who personally offends me, and he "won" the Glen Coffee sweepstakes this week, though it cost him a pretty penny ($26, our biggest free agent expenditure so far). I'm not sure that that investment will be worth it over the course of the season, but this week it should lead to a Wild Stallion victory.

Bartelby (3-0) vs. Deuceburger (2-1)
We all ought to be ashamed of ourselves for having allowed Ray to get to 3-0. Granted, Sam, Elliott and Woody have more to be ashamed of than the rest of us, but we are all at least partly to blame, I'm sure. Bartelby will find it hard to continue his winning streak this week, though, with a few of his big guns (Ryan Grant and Greg Jennings) taking on the staunch defense of Minnesota. Deuceburger isn't looking that hot, either, with Larry Johnson and shitbag Turl Owens both starting, but Adrian Peterson is always a threat to go off, so I'll give this one to Deuceburger in a squeaker.

0-3 But Not a Skins Fan (0-3, duh) vs. Woody's Warriors (0-3)
Well this is a real clash of the titans. After this game, only one NBD team will remain winless, but it's hard to say which squad is less shitty. Especially complicating things is the fact that as of this writing (Saturday night) these guys haven't really solidified their line-ups. Koehler still has a bye-week kicker in his line-up, with no replacement on the bench, but presumably that issue will be resolved tomorrow morning. Sherwood, having completed his trade with Haller, has still yet to move his new players (Jay Cutler and Knowshon Moreno) into the line-up. Assuming he does, I would have to give the edge to the Warriors, since I have lost all faith in Clinton Portis and Braylon Edwards and Laveranues Coles are essentially worthless.

Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe (1-2) vs. I'm at the Pizza Hut (1-2)
I don't know what to make of this game. Both of these teams look pretty lousy to me. I think Tom Brady is fucked against the Ravens, and he's practically the only heavy-hitter involved in this game. The Jets' defense was able to shut him down earlier this season, and they're taking on the Saints this week, but I actually think that's a good thing for Elliott's Reggie Bush, because New Orleans will be trying to find unusual ways to get down the field. That, combined with the potential for big things out of Reggie Wayne taking on the Seahawks, inclines me to pick Pizza Hut.

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 13-5 (is there some way I can gamble on this?)
Good luck to everyone this week, except for Colly, who is going to look like sweet, innocent Whitney Port in the face of my Roxy-like onslaught of nastiness. Kelly Cutrone can't save you this week, Cletus.