BIFL - Week 7 Review B

I just turned on the TV in my room and it happened to be on NBC and the Tonight Show. Conan is talking to a bat expert. I get that having animal experts on talk shows is a time-honored tradition, and I get that Halloween is coming up so it's thematically appropriate or whatever, but this shit is awful. He just tried to feed blood from an eye dropper to a vampire bat, and the bat wasn't remotely interested so he just ended up with blood droplets all over his face and in his eyes and shit. I think this type of garbage guest is probably a result of the Leno-at-10 effect, so I will say this for the thousandth time in my life: Fuck you, Jay Leno.
Fortunately, it's NBA opening week and two of my favorite basketball teams, the Nuggets and the Trail Blazers, are playing on TNT. My favorite team, the Blazers, are winning, but it's a real close game. Speaking of close games...

FUBAR (74) ties the Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (74)

Yes! A tie! I love that shit. It's great because the odds of it happening are so astronomically small, and it always ends up fucking some guy with an extra digit in his record at the end of the season. It's never like the cut-off for the playoffs is 7-6 and you end up 7-5-1; it's always 6-6-1 and you just miss. And no one knows that better than Spencer, who as Bardey pointed out has now been in every single one of the (three) ties that have ever happened in this league. How amazing is that? I mean the chances of getting a tie in the first place have to be tiny, but for lightning to strike thrice on one dude? Incredible. And get this: Spencer's first tie was with Chalski, and his second was... Dick! And it was last year, the last time they played! Two ties in a row. I fucking love it. Anyways, I'm glad that the whole tie thing gave me so much to talk about, because there's not much else to say about these two shitty teams. Drew Brees (19) is pretty good, and so is DeAngelo Williams (19). We know this. Most of the other players involved in this contest were garbage, though I suppose Hakeem Nicks (16) and Jeremy Shockey (12) merit some mention for FUBAR. They probably would have been responsible for a win if Chris Cooley (2) hadn't found his feet inadvertently pointing in different directions on Monday night.

Alligator Fuckhouse (104) defeats I'm Here for the Gangbang (70)

I'd love to know why Chuck mentioned Sirhan Sirhan (who I was thinking killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand but whom the answer box tells me actually took out RFK) on the smackboard of this game...

 Jeez I just read the wikipedia entry and this guy was a nut bar, huh? Also he looks kind of like John Fruscianti of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, though I doubt that his licks were as tasty. Anyways, to get back to the subject of this post: any hopes that Chuck had of winning this game were likely ASSASSINATED

 

by the fact that Frank Gore, the Gangbang's potential savior, was less than Christ-like in his return from injury (4 pts). Steve Slaton (18) does seem to have returned to form, and Roddy White (12) had a fine day, but when your other ball-catchers (Steve Breaston, Jacoby Jones, and Greg Olsen) combine for four points and your quarterback (Matt Ryan, 9) can't make it into double figures, you're going to have a hard time winning, especially against a hot opponent like the Fuckhouse. Souts' squad is now averaging 125 points in their last three games, and this was the second strong showing in a row for franchise cornerstone Tom Brady (24). Brady threw for three touchdowns, one of which went to Fuckhouse teammate Wes Welker (18). Thomas Jones (20) and Sidney Rice (15) were also instrumental in the victory. Rice has turned into a super-legit fantasy receiver, having dipped below double figures only once in the past five games. This week, for example, he out-scored Souts' already-declared keeper, Rashard Mendenhall, by 11 points.

By the way, if you were wondering: it was Gavrilo Princip who assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand, under the guidance of the secret radical organization Black Hand. If I were a young (black) receiver in the NFL who was looking to establish himself (like Sidney Rice), I would totally give myself the nickname Black Hands. In fact, I'm gonna call Sidney that from here on out and see if it sticks.

The basketball game just ended, and the Nuggets won when Greg Oden missed the tying and go-ahead free throws with five seconds left and Carmelo Anthony iced it seconds later. A bummer for the Blaze, but a great game this early in the season. A few things:

1) If you like dramatic basketball, try to catch the Blazers when they're on national TV this year. I had League Pass last year, and I can't tell you how many nights - like tonight - I found myself sitting up, clapping, and yelling at my television screen at 1:30 in the morning as a tight game drew to a close. They fucking hate to blow out opponents.

2) If you don't get that psyched for the NBA, but can get sucked into a good one-on-one match-up like Derrick Rose vs. Rajon Rondo in last year's first-round series, pray for the Nuggets and Blazers to meet in the playoffs this year. As divisional rivals, they'll have already developed a healthy hatred, and 'Melo and Brandon Roy (despite the fact that one is a 3 and the other a 2) will be going after each other.

3) Carmelo Anthony is going to be awfully good this year. If I hadn't taken two swingmen already, I would have drafted him in the third round of the Cluj University Fantasy Basketball draft last night, a pick before Bardey snatched him up.

Okay back to football

Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (143) defeat Bardois Bourgeoisie (74)

Another week, another Bardey drubbing. This week's steamroller was Shoaf's squad, who had a spectacular week. Granted, the Bourgeoisie didn't put up much of a fight, but it didn't matter; none of us would have been able to take the Bitch-Chokers this week. Two of the top four scorers in all of fantasy were on Willie's team: for the second straight week in which he played, Miles Austin (33) topped all fantasians, with 171 receiving yards and two touchdowns. Speaking of unexpectedly good fantasy players, Ricky Williams (27) also had a monstrous day, scoring three touchdowns. I would have taken a bet for just about any amount before the season started that I would not have written two straight laudatory sentences about Miles Austin and Ricky Williams. Meanwhile, my team is eating a dick. I hate fantasy. You know who else is good? The rest of Will's team: Peyton Manning (21), Adrian Peterson (18), and Devin Hester (16) joined Austin and Williams in scoring more than all but one of Bardey's players. I can't let this write-up die, though, without mentioning that one good Bourgie, Vernon Davis (27), who scored three touchdowns mere days after I traded him away in my Burke league. Awesome.