Chip Lohmiller (147) defeats Bardois Bourgeoisie (73)
This, a match-up between the first- and third-power ranked teams in the league, should have been a good game. Instead, it was a shellacking. Dekker more than doubled Bardey's score. It was pathetic. Not a single Bourgie player made it into the 20s, whereas three of Dekker's players were in the 30s. Do you see how I'm using italics here? That's because I want to emphasize what a pasting this was. Lohmiller nearly won with just his running backs. With the running and the catching and the being short, Ray Rice is kind of like a poor man's Maurice Jones-Drew, except that this week Maurice Jones-Drew is like Bill Gates, and the poor man is Warren Buffett. Rice rushed for 77 yards, received for 117 yards, and scored two touchdowns on his way to 32 fantasy points. Mojo was like "Nigga please" as he rushed for 133 yards, received for 45 yards, and scored three touchdowns en route to 35 fantasy points. What I'm trying to say here is that Dekker's guys did really well, and I haven't even mentioned Matt Schaub, who threw for more touchdowns than either Jones-Drew or Rice and scored 31 points for Dekker this week.
Alligator Fuckhouse (167) defeats Juse and the Argonauts (95)
I have always denigrated Souts as a fantasy owner. Partially, this is because his teams have always sucked and he continually makes awful decisions. But it also has something to do with the fact that, as one of the least athletic Delts, I have always clung to the notion that I am still far more athletically gifted than Souts.* This is a man, after all, who had to be taught how to dive into a swimming pool a few years ago (I swear to God I'm not making that up). And that tightly-gripped sense of sporting superiority has extended to the realm of fantasy sports, where he has long been the butt of my jokes. Well, if e'er there was a week for me to eat my words and he to dance on my head, this is it. The Fuckhouse scored 167 points this week, which is a new high for this season. I went back through the annals of Biffledom to find another score that high. I really wanted to find one, not only to show that Souts' week wasn't unprecedentedly great, but also so that I could stop digging through the BIFL History pages and get back to enjoying the latest episode of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge (The Ruins). It took a while, though. Turns out the last time a team scored this much was back in 2006, when Pet Monkey scored 168 points in the Consolation Bracket of Round 1 of the playoffs. On that day, Billy got a 41-point performance from Drew Brees. Brees had a pretty good performance again this week, but he wasn't as good as Souts' Tom Brady (43), who threw an amazing six touchdown passes, continuing to pour it on despite the fact that his team was already ahead by a jillion points. Needless to say, a few of those touchdowns went to Wes Welker (31), who also had 150 receiving yards that still didn't quiet the nagging voice inside Bill Belichik telling him that his father never loved him. The Pats' ruthlessness was matched by Brady's fellow keeper Thomas Jones (34), who rushed for a gargantuan 210 yards. In fact, the only offensive Fuckhousers not in double figures were Jeremy Maclin (0) and Josh Scobee (5), the kicker. Nice week, Souts.
*It should be noted, however, that the man throws a hell of a spiral and is a fine touch football quarterback. When he reads a defense, he sees holes that other guys don't...
...or so Shelly tells me. OH!
2 comments:
I would just like to point out that a) I inherited a terrible fantasy team two years ago and b) only this year truly grasped the "keeper" concept. Why yes, I will keep Rashard Mendenhall, thanks so much! Sovic - the Fuckhouse begs you to keep hating on them in the Power Rankings. Tommy Terrific loves the bulletin board material.
i would have never guessed "pet monkey" and "most points since" would be incorporated into the same sentence. unless of course it read something like "this is the most points since dekker dropped 371 on pet monkey."
shocking.
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