NBD - Week 4 Review A

I'm watching "Inside the NFL" on Showtime right now and they've got Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood mic'd up. He seems like a really fun-loving guy, making jokes and cracks on the sidelines, calling Josh Scobee (who hit an awesome game-winning 59-yard field goal) "Scobee Bryant." Lots of fun. Somehow, though, the mics never caught him talking about this little incident, as reported in Sports Illustrated this week:
Escaped With minimal injuries after being pistol-whipped, Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood. According to Jacksonville police, Osgood, 30, was watching TV at the home of 19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader Mackenzie Putnal on Sept. 27 when the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head and struck Osgood and Putnal, as well as her dog, before Osgood jumped out a second-floor window. Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder, who eventually fled. Bartletto was later arrested and was being held without bail while facing charges of aggravated battery, false imprisonment, armed robbery and burglary.
There is just way too much to be amazed by in this story. First of all: "19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader." 19! Kassim Osgood is a few months older than me, which is to say 30, which makes this more than a little creepy. I Googled Ms. Putnal and the first thing that came up was her alma mater, Sandalwood High School, from which she graduated in 2009. Wow. Then again, Osgood and Putnal were just "watching TV," so I'm sure there was nothing untoward happening.
Next: "the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head..." Plastic bag? Is he into auto-erotic asphyxiation?
And then: "Osgood jumped out a second-floor window." Kind of sounds like Osgood pulled a Costanza and shoved the teenager and the dog aside to save himself, no?

By the way, I'm pretty sure Eric the Clown in that episode is played by Jon Favreau.
Finally: "Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder..." Holy fuck are you kidding me? My dad was a cop for like 100 years and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any stories as good as trading gunfire with a 19-year-old cheerleader who's using a laser-sighted pistol. This is incredible. If I wasn't so heavily invested in Dexter McCluster breaking out this year to justify the McClusterfuck franchise, I would 100% pick up Osgood and name my team the Laser-Sighted Jailbaits. I don't see how any of our fantasy match-ups can live up to the excitement of this story, but until ESPN does a dramatic re-enactment as part of their "60 for 60" celebration in 2040, we'll have to make do.
(After the jump)


Sir Lucious Left Fut (119) defeats the Buck Stops Here (78)
This week's Classic Soul Jam High Scorer is Elliott Toobin and his Lucious Left Fut crew, sponsored by the Five Stairsteps classic "Oooh Child" (check it out for yourself in the sidebar). And even though this is the lowest high score so far this season, there's still plenty to "ooo-oooh" about, specifically Antonio Gates (26 pts), who is just absolutely killing it this season. I'm no longer even sure that Vincent Jackson is actually holding out, I think it may be possible that Gates just ate him and absorbed his talent, touches and touchdowns, and is paying off VJax's agent to maintain the holdout ruse. This would also explain the Chargers' difficulty in trading Jackson, as most teams are unwilling to part with draft picks in exchange for a partially-digested wideout. Things also appeared to get easier (song tie-in!) for Reggie Wayne this week, who notched an incredible fifteen receptions for 196 yards (18 pts after a fumble), although even that was not enough to keep my boy Austin Collie from grabbing a touchdown. I would mention Aaron Rodgers, but at this point getting 19 points from him is kind of boring. Dude is automatic.
If you watched the Monday night game, you saw Tom Brady come to the sidelines ALL FIRED UP, high-fiving his teammates emphatically and hugging a Bill Belichick who almost appeared to be smiling. You would have thought that the Pats' 27-point stomping of the division rival Dolphins had something to do with him, but a peek at the Buck Stops Here's scoreline will tell you that was not exactly true. With 41 Pats points out there, you'd expect a little more than 18 combined from the Brady-Welker connection. Maybe Brady and Belichick were really excited because they knew they were mere days away from saying good bye to team headache Randy Moss, which should have some interesting ramifications moving forward for Ray's team. Will those ramifications be positive or negative? I have no idea. But one thing I feel pretty certain of: we'll never see another 28-point day out of Terrell Owens. It's really a shame, wasting that kind of performance in a loss, but that's probably to be karmically expected for drafting Terrell fucking Owens.

Wild Stallions (116) defeat Chaz Whitehurst, Daughter Slayer (77)
So, I drafted Shonn Greene in the 2nd round this year, and since I had the 12th/13th wraparound pick, I may as well have drafted him in the 1st. As huge of a disappointment as he's been, it's still kind of cool for me to see LaDainian Tomlinson (28 pts for Derek's team) have the resurgence he's having. Within my lifetime, there've been a handful of Hall of Fame running backs, but I don't really remember Walter Payton; Barry Sanders retired young; and Emmitt Smith played for the Cowboys and also has down syndrome. So I've never watched the downfall of a once-great and formerly-beloved ballcarrier like I did with LDT the last few years in San Diego. And coinciding as it did with my own personal aging process (Tomlinson is a year older than Kassim Osgood and myself), it was kind of depressing watching him slip into mediocrity. So his return to elite rushing status this year is inspiring and awesome, and living in New York I get to experience every second of it. Makes me believe that maybe my second chance at life and work here in the Big Apple could be just as successful. Unfortunately for Chaz Whitehurst, Daughter Slayer, his big day wasn't enough to inspire the rest of the team to victory. In fact, they pretty much sucked, with no one other than Sam Bradford (19) cracking double figures. DeYoung's team, on the other hand, was pretty solid across the board. Rashard Mendenhall and Calvin Johnson (21 each) shared team-leading honors, and kudos to DeYoung for sticking with Megatron after a rough start to the season (I know others who benched him, to their dismay). Philip Rivers (18) and DeAngelo Williams (16) also made quality contributions to the victory, and with Dez Bryant, Mike Williams, and Percy Harvin all on byes, it's pretty impressive that Deezer notched the second-highest point total of the week.

Burke City Giants (100) defeat Worthless (96)
As a coach, it's got to be frustrating when you have a player who's been outstanding for you, but breaks some silly team rule like showing up to meetings on time, forcing you to bench him. And then when that player comes into the game and runs like he owns the place, you're happy of course because he's winning you the game, but it's also kind of a "Fuck your 1-quarter suspension, Coach. You need me." Such was the case for Gary Kubiak this weekend. Equally frustrating is when you spend every summer doing countless hours of fantasy research, sifting through all the previews and "inside" info to sort the legitimate sleepers from the bullshit hype, think you have some expertise at it, and then decide that this Arian Foster cat is all hype and not worth your time. You watch him get drafted by sworn enemy Michael Toobin, and then he turns into a fantasy monster. Such is the case for yours truly. Foster (31) proved pretty definitively this weekend that he is no kind of fluke this weekend, and even if he is, his combined Week 1 and Week 4 performances will probably have him in the top-10 rushers at season's end anyway. Abetted by Ahmad Bradshaw (18) and Peyton Manning (21), Foster helped Burke City overcome a lousy receiving day to notch their third win. Every one of those points was needed, too, as Papkin's Worthless squad put up a good fight. If just one of the Worthless wonders had put up a superior day, this battle probably would have belonged to Papkin. Instead, he got a bunch of perfectly decent performances, including Mike Tolbert (16), Green Bay Defense (15), Mark Sanchez (14), and Steven Jackson (12). It all adds up to a third loss for Papkin, but I wouldn't call any of those outputs Worthless. Hang in there, Sam.

More tomorrow.