BIFL - State of Your Team Address A

Last week, I figured I'd have a little extra time on my hands to do the weekly write-ups and fold in some overall analysis of each team's make-up in terms of contributions from drafted/kept players and waiver wire pick-ups. Well, that didn't happen, and here now we find ourselves with only one week left in the regular season, with the playoffs just around the corner. With that in mind, I am eschewing the write-ups entirely (since I've basically run out of ways to re-phrase the same thing week in and week out) in favor of a full-scale look at each franchise in the league. Where have they come from? What have they done recently? Where do they stand with regard to the playoffs? And what do they have to look forward to? By the time I finish, all these questions (and more!) will have been answered. Get excited.

Alligator Fuckhouse (7-5)
In the Draft...
...the Fuckhouse started with some solid keeper values. Nobody was expecting Jeremy Maclin or Rashard Mendenhall to be top-5 talents at their positions, but in the 9th and 12th rounds, respectively, neither needed to be to greatly outplay their draft spots. Mendenhall has been an able RB2 all season long, and Maclin was a solid WR2/3 until Souts upgraded his receivers and moved him to the bench. The non-keeper portion of Souts' draft initially looked like a failure. Shonn Greene, taken in the 1st to be an RB1, has rarely been worth starting this season. 2nd-rounder Greg Jennings reached double-digits just once in the first five weeks. 3rd-rounder Dallas Clark was sent to Injured Reserve after Week 5. But a pair of mid-round gems, Mike Wallace (5th) and Ahmad Bradshaw (6th) kept Fuckhouse hope alive, and soon Jennings started heating up as well. With some savvy transactions, the Fuckhouse became a powerhouse.

In the Market...
...Souts has not made a ton of big moves, but two he has made are some of the biggest in the league this season. Inarguably the year's most valuable waiver wire pick-up is Peyton Hillis, who Souts got for five dollars (FIVE DOLLARS!) back on September 22nd. To give you some perspective: that same day, Dekker added Demaryius Thomas for $16; Juse added Jason Snelling for $14; I added Josh Freeman for $13; and Andre added Marcedes Lewis for $10. Fuck us. Hillis has gone on to average 17 points a game, and is the third-ranked player at his position. Almost as important as Hillis' points contribution is the freedom it gave Steve to trade away another back (he had three solids between Hillis, Mendenhall, and Bradshaw, and a reasonable back-up in Greene) to upgrade at receiver. Initially, this led Souts to offer me a trade of Hillis for Wes Welker. Unfortunately for me, Steve realized that trade was batshit crazy, and he instead found a home for Ahmad Bradshaw on Bardey's roster in exchange for Dwayne Bowe. Then, of course, Bowe turned into the best receiver in the history of football (averaging 32 points a game over the past three weeks). So, yeah. I'd say Souts made some good moves.

Recently...
...the Fuckhouse has been firing on all cylinders. In Week 11, they posted the week's highest score, defeating the Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 157 - 91. The league's high scorers were led by the week's high scorer, Greg Jennings (37), but it was hardly a one-man effort. Bowe (24), Wallace (22), Hillis (19) and Joe Flacco (18) all posted outstanding numbers, easily overshadowing the lone Fuckhouse disappointment (Visanthe Shiancoe - 0).
In Week 12, they were at it again, dismantling I'm Fucking In 141 - 96. I'm pretty sure Peyton Hillis (39) had scored three touchdowns by the first game break update in Sunday's broadcast (shocker: they were not showing the Browns-Panthers clash in NYC). Dwayne Bowe (37) was a little slower, spreading his three touchdowns out over the length of the game, but was no less devastating. Feeling left out after Week 11's onslaught, Rashard Mendenhall (21) decided to get in on the action as well.

Moving Forward...
...there's not a team that's scarier heading into the playoffs than this bunch. Part of the 7-5 logjam, Souts looks forward to a Week 13 match-up with the relatively weak Lower Loudoun Tribe, and with a strong point total appears a lock to make the playoffs. If the recent scoring outburst continues, this could be our 2010 champion. Coming back in 2011, Souts won't be able to hold onto MVP Hillis, but will still have plenty of strong keeper options in Wallace (5), Bowe (6), Maclin (6), and Mendenhall (9). After a few years of struggle after re-joining the league, Souts may have built a contender.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (7-5)
In the Draft...
...I came in for the last time with my championship RB tandem of Michael Turner (1st) and Chris Johnson (4th), but pretty much every single new pick I made this year has worked out poorly. The disappointment of Larry Fitzgerald (2nd) has been well-documented, but Wes Welker (3rd) has quietly been just as disappointing. Apparently I drafted Bernard Berrian in the 5th, but I have no recollection of him ever actually playing for my team. Jermichael Finley (6th) was a solid contributor until his knee exploded. The HotCocks have historically relied on late-round breakouts, but the only player who remotely fits that description this year is Malcom Floyd (10th), and he's missed a huge swath of the season with injury.

In the Market...
...I've had to be pretty active, considering the uselessness of my drafted players. Probably the biggest transaction for the HotCocks season was a non-move: after drafting Kevin Kolb, I declined to pick up Michael Vick early in the season. Bad move. Since then, the HotCocks have fielded a rotating door of Josh Freeman ($13), Chad Henne ($7), Shaun Hill ($6), Matthew Stafford ($0), and Ryan Fitzpatrick ($12). If I somehow manage to win the league again this season, I'm making
Josh&
Chad&
Shaun&
Matthew&
Ryan
t-shirts along the lines of my Hogs and '98 Bullets tees. Some moderately more successful acquisitions have been LeGarrette Blount ($1), Kenny Britt ($10), and Mario Manningham ($3), though Britt's success was basically a one-week explosion and he has since found his way to greener pastures (Souts' roster). My declaration a few weeks back that Blount may be stealing Michael Turner's starting spot was probably premature (and dumb), but it does seem to have lit a fire under the Burner. Then again, when you're describing an acquisition as one of your best of the season, it's not a good sign if all it does is give you a decent third option at RB and imaginary motivation for your starters.

Recently...
After a 7-3 start, the HotCocks are limping towards the end of the regular season with two straight losses and sub-par performances. Week 11 was not a horrible effort, with Turner (21) and Johnson (15) putting up solid numbers and Nate Washington (13) and Larry Fitzgerald (15) contributing from the receiver position. The problem arose in the bottom half of my box score, where the TE through K positions combined for a mere 13 points, three less than Shoaf's Graham "Go-Go" Gano (16) by himself, and sixteen less than the total of Shoaf's same positional range.
Week 12 was more of your classic wet fart of a performance. There may have been a time in the past where my franchise was strong enough to overcome an 0-fer from Chris Johnson, but this team certainly is not. Turner (19) and Manningham (12) tried to bring it a bit, but the rest of the team was all like "ehhhhh... not this week."

Moving Forward...
At 7-5, this team is still going to scratching and clawing this final week to ensure a playoff spot. Going up against the 4-8 Cholish Chachfaces might help me make it to the tournament stage, but without something going magically right, I can't see doing much damage. As for 2011, I'll be sad to see the Michael Turner era of the HotCocks go (unless I get the chance to re-draft him), and prepare for my last year with Chris Johnson under contract. Joining Johnson, I can't really see sticking with either of my low-round receivers, unless Arizona brings in a Hall of Famer to toss it to Fitzy or Wes Welker proves a lot over the last part of the season. Most likely we'll see Jermichael Finley or Malcom Floyd re-up for another season with the Ass-Rammers.

Cholish Chachfaces (4-8)
In the Draft...
It's hard to argue with the logic of keeping Ryan Grant (2nd) and Knowshon Moreno (5th), but at the same time, it's hard to ever imagine this team feeling confident relying on an RB engine of Grant-Moreno. If the Cholacks were to harbor any hopes of a championship, they would have had to do something spectacular in the draft... which they did not. Besides taking Calvin Johnson in the 1st, the rest of Mark's picks range somewhere from mediocre (Vernon Davis, 4th; Eli Manning, 8th) to disappointing (Pierre Garcon, 3rd) to outright lame (Jerome Harrison, 6th). Once Ryan Grant went down, all hope was basically lost unless Mark could hit a home run on the waiver wire. Which brings us to...

In the Market...
...where Chalski dropped all one hundred of his FAAB dollars on Brandon Jackson after Week 1. I defy him to ever explain the logic of this. I know, he needed to replace the most important player on his team, and Jackson (as Grant's real-life replacement) was the most obvious choice. And I know, Jackson was obviously the most highly-touted pick-up from all the fantasy experts that week. And I know, everyone else in the league still had a full budget to play with. But $100? The whole shebang? For a guy who had had opportunities before and done nothing with them? Even if he'd have gone with $90, he'd have outbid the next-highest bidder (Bardois) by $29 and still had enough left to outbid Souts for Peyton Hillis the next week. Amazingly, Chalski has actually managed to pick up a handful of startable RBs despite having no money to spend on them, including Mike Tolbert, Chris Ivory, and Mike Goodson. Of course, he also picked up Jackson, Kevin Smith, and Mike Bell. I guess when you're taking a swing at every running back that comes down the waiver wire pike, you're bound to hit a few.

Recently...
...the Chachfaces have actually posted some of their best point totals of the year in the past few weeks, thanks largely to the afore-mentioned Mr. Tolbert, but those haven't resulted in any wins. Back in Week 11, Tolbert led the team with 23 points, with Knowshon close behind at 17 (and Mike Goodson even closer behind at 21, but on the bench). Unfortunately, the rest of the Cholish team failed to follow suit, with especially lame performances from Eli Manning (7), Lance Moore (4) and Vernon Davis (0) and fell to the Pet Monkey, 87 - 115.
In Week 12, Tolbert (19) once again paced the team, and Goodson's similar efforts (19) were once again left on the bench. This time, the rest of the Polese mucked in a little bit more, with Eli (17), Knowshon (15) and Megatron (15) all contributing. Unfortunately, Mark faced off against Bardey's second-best day of the season and came away with another loss, 102 - 117.

Moving Forward...
...no last-week miracle can sneak the Chachfaces into the playoffs, so it's all about 2011 (well, the Consolation Ladder and then 2011) from here on out. Chalski has kept Ryan Grant in his IR spot all season, so maybe he doesn't realize that with Bardey's new rule, he won't be able to keep him next year. That leaves only solid players at questionable prices like Calvin Johnson (1st) and Knowshon Moreno (2nd) or perhaps the quarterback tandem of Eli Manning (8th) and Matt Ryan (9th). In other words, 2011 is shaping up to be another re-building year for Chalski.

Cow Fister (8-4)
In the Draft...
...Shoaf did what he always does, and may never manage to do again after the rule change: he kept guys in the 1st and 2nd rounds. Will has been doing this for so long that when we schedule the draft every year, he writes the time in 20 minutes later because his draft doesn't start 'til the 3rd round. Normally, he backs up keeper studs like Adrian Peterson (1st) and Peyton Manning (2nd) with a bunch of shitters, but this year he managed to draft some solid support. Michael Crabtree (3rd) and Hines Ward (4th) have both had useful outings; Santonio Holmes (7th) has been coming on strong since returning from suspension; Zach Miller (10th) has been an elite tight end when healthy; and it may be forgotten now but for the first few weeks of the season, Austin Collie (11th) was the highest-scoring receiver in the league.

In the Market...
In looking over Shoaf's transaction record, I am somewhat shocked by the sheer number of transactions that Cow Fister has transacted this season. In fact, if you look at the oft-ignored "TransCounter" feature of the site, you'll see that no one but Spencer had more add/drops than Will. (Spencer blew him out of the water, though. Jesus, Spencer. Chill out on the waiver wire.) The appearance of so many add/drops is exacerbated by the fact that Will seems to often do those things individually. He drops a guy. And then he adds a guy. When it can be done in one fell swoop. Annoying. Wading through this encyclopedia of roster moves, none stands out as terribly significant or helpful. Maybe David Gettis ($9) gave a few quality weeks? Danny Woodhead ($5) has scored some points?

Recently...
...the Fisters have rattled off two straight victories after a three-game mid-season slide. The first win came at my expense, and can be attributed almost entirely to an arm (Peyton Manning's 27), two hands (Santonio Holmes' 28), and a foot (Graham Gano's 16). Those three accounted for 65% of Cow Fister's 109 - 93 win over the HotCocks.
Last week's triumph was much more evenly divided, although it was cumulatively significantly lower; fortunately, the opponent was the lowly Poon-Pounders. Peyton Manning, Adrian Peterson, Hines Ward, Johnny Knox, and Santonio Holmes each scored between 10 and 12 points in an 82 - 74 victory.

Moving Forward...
...Shoaf is locked in a three-way tie at the top of the Western Conference, albeit with the lowest point total of the three. He's playing fellow 8-4 team Juse and the Argonauts in Week 13, meaning that a win, combined with a Your Stepdad loss, would assure him a first-round bye. Could there be a worse time for Adrian Peterson to have injured himself? Shoaf must be shitting a human fist. Without that bye, and without a fully healthy AP, I have a hard time seeing Shoaf winning three consecutive games in the playoffs.
Going into next year, the franchise will be saying good bye to the players that have defined them the past few seasons. Who will pick up the mantle of Cow Fistiness? Felix Jones may be worth a 5th-rounder again, but unless something crazy happens in the next few weeks, it's not like that'll be a steal. Santonio Holmes (7) and Fred Jackson (8) have been strong the past several weeks, and continued performance at that level would certainly justify keeper status. And if Zach Miller (10) or Austin Collie (11) can get back to pre-injury levels, they'll constitute some great value. So cheer up, Fister, the cupboard's hardly bare.

I'm Fucking In (7-5)
In the Draft...
...Spencer started out with a curious strategy. Despite the fact that he was keeping a first-rounder (Drew Brees), he opted for the fourth spot in the draft, which left his first real pick until late in the second. Luckily, that netted him LeSean McCoy, who's been better than any of the RBs taken ahead of him in that round (to wit: Ryan Mathews, Pierre Thomas). With Brees, McCoy, and keeper Hakeem Nicks (9th) in the fold, the nucleus for success was built. On top of that, Spence hit home runs with some of his middle round picks. 4th-rounder Antonio Gates absolutely dominated the first half of the season, and 5th-rounder Arian Foster is the top running back in the league this year. It's hard to imagine a better starting line-up than QB Brees, RB1 Foster, RB2 McCoy, WR1 Nicks, WR2 Anquan Boldin (3rd round), WR3 Tampa Mike Williams (10th), and TE Gates. The only thing holding this team back from dominating the league has been injuries.

In the Market...
...as was previously mentioned, Spencer has been extraordinarily active. Most of those moves have been pretty unexciting, as the Frogg seems to have a fetish for IDP turnover. For example: at DL, Will Smith gave way to Mathias Kiwanuka, who was replaced by Sione Pouha, who turned into Rob Ninkovich, who was flipped for Haloti Ngata, who is now James Hall. That's a lot of work for guys who produce 3.5 points a week. Spence's biggest expenditure and probably best pick-up has been for a guy who never played: Fred Jackson ($25). Freddie has been something of a monster the past three weeks, but with Foster and McCoy entrenched in the starting line-up, hasn't really gotten any PT for IFI. Still, RB depth is never a bad thing, especially headed into the playoffs.

Recently...
...Spence has been handling a difficult end-of-season schedule pretty well. His past four opponents have been likely playoff teams with a combined record of 31-17, and IFI has managed to come out of those games 2-2, despite a hobbled Gates and an MIA Nicks. In Week 11 they won a tight one, 111 - 106, against Juse's formidable Argonauts squad. Leading the way was the power trio of Jack Bruce, Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker Drew Brees (29), Arian Foster (23) and LeSean McCoy (23), who overcame the injury to Nicks (6) and a poor outing by Boldin (1) to take this one.
Week 12 was not such a happy outcome, as IFI found themselves up against a scoring machine in the form of the Alligator Fuckhouse, who won 146 - 96. Foster once again went for 23, with Brees posting a respectable 18, but none of the other Kenny Powers disciples were able to approach what Souts' boys were putting up.

Moving Forward...
...At 7-5, Spence currently leads the Eastern Conference but record-wise is tied with me and Souts. That means that the Week 12 result could mean the difference between a first-week bye and as low as the six seed. But the good news is that with the dominant point total in the league, the Frogg has put himself in position to win any tie-breaker and is a lock to at least make the playoffs. With Nicks and Gates on the mend, this likely represents Spencer's best shot at a title in recent memory.
Not that the window is closing or anything. There won't be an easier keeper decision next year than Arian Foster in the 5th, and Spence can supplement that with McCoy (2), Gates (4), Nicks (6) or Williams (10). Those are some solid options.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (2-10)
In the Draft...
...Dick was the lone owner to enter sans keepers, suggesting that last year's team was pretty useless. And nothing that happened in the draft suggested that this year's crew would be anything different. Miles Austin in the first? OK. That works. Pierre Thomas in the second? Nope. He's not an RB1. Chad Ochocinco in the third? Whoops, probably should have taken another RB. Or Terrell Owens, who turned out way better than Ochocinco. Joseph Addai in the fourth? Brett Favre in the fifth? Oh no. That won't work out at all. I could go on, but you get the idea. And obviously all of this is easier to see in hindsight, but honestly most of it was pretty easy to see in foresight. You would think an eagle-eyed fighter pilot might have been able to see some of these bogeys sneaking up on him.

In the Market...
...After such a lame draft, one would have expected Dick to be active on the waiver wire. And yet... $98. That is how much money the Poon-Pounders have left in their budget. Dick has spent two dollars on free agents to improve a two-win team. Who was worth the splurge? Adam Vinatieri and Cadillac Williams, for a buck each. Williams, by the way, was picked up after LeGarrette Blount had taken his job. All I can say is thank you, Dick, for your dues every year, especially since they've ended up in my hands three of the past four years. But I'd rather have you be involved (or cede your team to someone who will be).

Recently...
...As has been noted, the Poon-Pounders have only two wins, and neither came recently. Week 11 was actually a pretty good week, relatively speaking, for the Iron Chef, as he put up his third-highest point total of the year with a whopping 91 points. Unfortunately, that left him about 66 point shy of the Fuckhouse juggernaut. Donovan McNabb (21) and Thomas Jones (19) both out-performed their averages by a healthy margin, but go ahead back to Souts' write-up to see why that wasn't nearly enough.
Week 12 was a return to familiar territory for the Poon-Pounders, who probably suffered from vertigo from their flirtation with triple digits and felt much more comfortable back in the seventies where they belong (final: 82 - 74, Cow Fister). The team was led in scoring by Dan Carpenter (17), and normally I would say that it's embarrassing to be led in scoring by a kicker (and really, it still is), but Dan Carpenter is fucking awesome. It's a shame Bryan didn't draft him, he'd be a surefire keeper.

Moving Forward...
...Once the Iron Chef bombs out of the Consolation Ladder, he can start to look forward to next year. The good news is that no one will suffer the three-round drop; Dick has the pick of the litter. The bad news is that "litter" is a pretty accurate description of the options here, in the "garbage on the street" sense. Miles Austin (1) is obviously the most talented player on this roster, but whether he's worth a first round keep will depend on Dick's draft position and the strength of the player pool. Braylon Edwards hasn't been horrible. I could see him justifying a 6th-round keep, but I wouldn't be calling all my friends and family to tell them about it. Otherwise? Something needs to happen with this franchise. A renewed commitment from the owner might be the solution; a new commitment from a new owner might make sense as well.