NBD - Week 3 Review

Hey! Did the fantasy football season start? I totally hadn't noticed. It's been like 90 degrees up here in NYC and presumably even hotter in the various Southern climes where you all reside, so I figured I still had a while before I needed to resume my Lassardian duties. Imagine my surprise when I booted up the ol' league site and found that we were already three weeks in with the McClusterfucks sitting pretty at 2-1 (albeit with a paltry point total). I thought about going back and re-constructing some draft criticism and Reviews for Weeks 1 and 2, but then I remembered that I (finally) have a job this season and I don't really have time to go cruising down memory lane in remembrance of games that are already well in our collective rearview mirrors. I do, however, have a few spare hours this Thursday evening to look back at the Week 3 games, and will hopefully be able to do so again for the rest of the season. Without further ado, the first Lassard post of the 2010 fantasy season:


Buck Stops Here (132) defeats Lion Tastes Good (55)
I always struggle with what order to write the re-caps in, but our newly-instituted $20 prize for the weekly high scorer gives me a natural starting point. I've also decided that the award is going to be 'sponsored' by the new Lassard sidebar feature, giving us the Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week. This week's CSJHSotW (that acronym could use some work) is Ray's Buck Stops Here squad, while the Classic Soul Jam of the Week is "The Oogum Boogum Song" by Brenton Wood. Go ahead and do yourself a favor and click 'Play' on that YouTube clip for two and a half minutes of soulful accompaniment to this write-up. I'm tempted to integrate the music and the content by noting that Ray's team really "cast a spell" on Papkin's, but a far easier analogy comes to mind courtesy of Buck Stops Here mascot Harry Truman: Lion Tastes Good came out of this week looking like the victim of an atomic bomb. The Fat Man and Little Boy of this match-up were Anquan Boldin (32 pts) and Tom Brady (23), who laid nuclear waste to Papkin's Nagasaki of receivers (11.2 combined out of Steve Smith, Ochocinco and Hakeem Nicks) and Hiroshima of a quarterback (Carson Palmer, 11). Even those Lion Tastes Good players who were safely out of blast range, like Steven Jackson (12), suffered the symptoms of radiation fallout, such as leukemia and strained groins. This metaphor has gotten kind of morbid, so let's just get back to the domination of BSH, including a strong performance out of the running back duo of Frank Gore and CJ Spiller (30 combined pts). Ray must also be especially proud of the 18 points contributed by his hometown defense, the Steelers. In reality football, Pittsburgh is looking like a serious defensive force to be reckoned with, and if they keep throwing fantasy points up like this, the Buck Stops Here might emerge as a similar force.

Burke City Giants (124) defeats Sex with a Pharaoh (121)
While Ray might have led the league in individual scoring, no Week 3 face-off featured more combined firepower than the game between Michael's Burke City Giants and Joe's Sex with a Pharaoh. None of the Giants could individually match the huge days of SwaP's Michael Vick (33) or Adrian Peterson (31), but across the board excellence - only two players not in double-digits - led them to victory in this match-up of what appear to be two early-season powerhouses. The Giants were led by Peyton Manning (25), who is off to a scorching start, having thrown as many touchdowns (9) in the first three games of this season as he did in his record-setting campaign of 2004. As long as a healthy percentage of them keep floating Austin Collie's way, I'm all for it. Like Peyton spreading the love between Collie, Wayne, Dallas Clark and the rest, Burke City displayed their varied scoring attack with 16-point contributions out of receivers (Randy Moss), running backs (Ahmad Bradshaw), and the defense (Philadelphia). By contrast, Colly's squad was essentially a three-headed monster, with Vick, Peterson and DeSean Jackson (22) accounting for over 71% of their scoring. Note that 121 points is nothing to sneeze at - it would have beaten nine other NBD teams this week - but perhaps Colly is paying the karmic price for having issued Ray a similarly painful loss (113 pts) in Week 2.

Sir Lucious Left Fut (112) defeats Wild Stallions (85)
In the real NFL, the only 3-0 teams after three weeks are pretty surprising: the Big Ben-less Steelers, the O-line-less Bears, and the recent success-less Chiefs. Here in NBD, the results are no less surprising: despite having been out-scored by five different franchises, featuring a starting running back tandem that comes from the same team, holding on to a wide receiver who is still contract-less and suspended, and being run by Disco Inferno (it's been too long), somehow Sir Lucious Left Fut is the sole undefeated NBD squad. (By the way, there's also only one winless team; it's called Parity, ladies and gentlemen, and it's the hallmark of the Commissioner Sovic era). This week's win came at the expense of the defending champion Wild Stallions, and while championship holdovers* Philip Rivers (26) and Rashard Mendenhall  (20) played like champions, the rest of the Stallions apparently didn't see the sign posted on the way out of the locker room. Or else maybe they mis-read and thought it said "Play Like Shit Today." Either way, it's Lucious Left Fut that looked more like winners. Former Stallion Aaron Rodgers (24) led the charge, followed by a somewhat unlikely trio. Two-thirds of this trio (Thomas Jones-16 and Marion Barber-12) have the unusual commonality of being the lead rusher on their teams despite not actually being the best running back there (at least, I hope that's the case with Barber; feeling pretty dumb about Felix Jones these days). The final third is Antonio Gates (17), whose performance was unlikely not in its excellence, but in the fact that it came on Elliott's team rather than Sherwood's. Woody, seriously, what the fuck were you doing at the draft this year? If we submit to conducting next year's draft via "Webex," will you promise to go back to drafting Gates in the third round?

(*granted, Rivers was not on the Stallions team that played in the NBDBowl, but he was on the squad to start the championship season. In fact, he was traded away for Mendenhall, and this year DeYoung managed to get both on the same squad.)


Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (104) defeats Woody's Warriors (96)
Speaking of Woody, his Warriors lost in a pretty tight contest to fellow Carolinians Matt Ryan Loves Dogs. Last year, Koehler benefitted from the unexpected emergence of Cedric Benson (drafted in the 4th round) as a legitimate back. This year, he may have a similar breakout on his hands in 9th-round selection Darren McFadden, who has suddenly overcome years of shittiness and looks like the guy the Raiders drafted as a top college prospect back in 2008. I'm going to go ahead and predict right now that Koehler drafts Beanie Wells in the 5th next year and that he explodes for 1400 yards and 12 touchdowns. But if any of the rest of us take him he remains a fumble- and injury-prone shitter. Damn you, Koehler. Anyways, Benson (21) and McFadden (18) combined with Michael Turner (19) to give MRLD a killer running back triad this week. Their numbers were supplemented by Joe Flacco (22), who rewarded Koehler's patience after a lackluster first two weeks with 262 yards and three touchdowns. As an owner of the Flacco-to-Boldin connection in another league, I approve. In that same league, however, I own Maurice Jones-Drew (9), who has been a disappointment to both Woody and I, unless Eric was anticipating a 7-point average from the third overall selection. Despite MJD's lameness, the Warriors still had a shot at this one going into Monday night. Jay Cutler (16) had a pretty good night and the Bears won the game, but another touchdown or two would have given Sherwood the victory.

McClusterfuck (103) defeats Cutler Crushes Cavallari (100)
While the Matt Ryan Loves Dogs-Woody's Warriors match-up was close and came down to Monday night, the McClusterfuck-Cutler Crushes Cavallari match-up was even closer and came even downer to Monday night. Despite having an utterly hideous roster (seriously, 9.5 combined points out of three running backs this week), the McClusterfuck now finds itself 2-1. Our success can be attributed to one man: Austin Collie (29). I don't know how, or why, but Austin Collie is fucking awesome this year. I considered writing a tribute to Collie akin to 2008's ode to Michael Turner or 2009's paean to Chris Johnson, but something about the fact that Collie is a handsome, clean-cut white guy somehow makes it a little creepier to write him a whole online love letter, so I'll keep it brief and say that if he keeps this up I'll totally blow him at the end of the season. Anyway, Austin was helped to victory this week by Drew Brees (25), who - barring a league veto - may have thrown his last pass to Collie, Santana Moss (16), Zach Miller (12), and the rest of the McClusterfuck crew. After the game was over, Matt and I consummated a trade that will send Brees to Hallertown in exchange for Matt Ryan (20) and Matt Forte (4 - wait, seriously, 4? Fuck, what did I do?) Breesus Christ has been the leader of the Death Panel/McClusterfuck for 19 games now, and we'll miss him terribly, but we needed help at RB, and this was the best solution. We'll miss you, Drew, and we wish you well.

Unless we meet in the playoffs, and then we will crush you.

ChzWhthrstDghterSlyr (87) defeats Dey Eat Da Poo Poo (67)
Last year I ran a sidebar that attempted to explain all the various name changes that our teams underwent over the course of the season, providing links where appropriate. Most of the time, I knew what the story was, but hoped to enlighten the old men and pop culture illiterates of the league. But this year, I have to plead ignorance on Derek's name. As far as I can tell, it parses to "Chaz (i.e. Charlie) Whitehurst Daughter Slayer." I wikipedia'd Charlie Whitehurst, and found nothing about a slain daughter. I was actually kind of relieved, because if Whitehurst really had lost a daughter, that would have been in really poor taste. So then I Googled "Charlie Whitehurst daughter," but all I came up with was a cute story about Matt Hasselbeck's daughter thinking that Whitehurst looked like Jesus Christ. But that's Hasselbeck's daughter, not Whitehurst's, and nobody was slain. So I just have no idea. I can understand abbreviating words to fit into Yahoo's draconian letter limit, or making obscure references, or pushing the boundaries of good taste, but when you combine all three and come up with something unintelligible, it may be time to come up with something new. Manning's name, on the other hand, comes from this very funny clip:

Bigotry! And ignorance! Always funny.
Why am I spending so much time on team-name analysis? Because this game was kind of lame, and I don't have much to say. Get better, boys, and you'll earn a little more time on the blog.

That about wraps it up for Week 3. It's nice to get back to the blog, and I look forward to more regular posting in the future. Thanks for hanging in the first few weeks, and please have at it in the Comments below.