BIFL - Week 10 Review A

You should watch this with sound on, but not at work. Prodigious use of the n-word (albeit the good -a version not the bad -er one) and cursing.

Fuck you, Gumby!


Kurt Beran (142) defeats Vatican Dragons (89)
Like the brilliant narrator of the video above, Chuck boasted one of the greatest offenses of all time this week. Well, probably not quite, but it was certainly a huge week for the Phonarchs. When you can leave a 25-point receiver (Mike Thomas) and 27-point quarterback (John Kitna) on your bench and still go north of seven-score, you're having a good week. Roddy White (30) should run for mayor of Atlanta, I think. (Sidenote: I just googled to find out who the current mayor of Atlanta was, with the intent of writing a sentence like "There's no way any self-respecting Atlantan would vote for ____________ over him," but I ended up spending half an hour reading Kasim Reed's Wikipedia entry, and by the time I was done had totally forgotten what I was reading it for. It wasn't even interesting. This is my brain at 30.) David Garrard (30) topped Roddy, even. Brandon Lloyd (21), Frank Gore (20) - all deserve your imaginary applause for their fantasy performance this week. The Vatican Dragons had a few standouts of their own, including the high individual scorer in this match-up, Matt Cassel (36). And after it became clear that the Eagles were going to score a gajillion points on Monday night, Andre might have become hopeful that DeSean Jackson was going to put up some ridiculous score to make a match of it, his early touchdown proved to be his only big play, leaving him with a respectable - but not insane - 17 points.

Juse and the Argonauts (137) defeat Cholish Chachfaces (112)
The fact that Jackson didn't go insane, however, should not obscure the fact that Michael Vick did, in fact, go absolutely fucking insane (55 pts). There were four other scorers over 20 points in this match-up, and I'm probably not even going to mention them. Jesus Christ, was Vick unstoppable on Monday night. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to hear Steve Young and Matt Millen, whose opinions I normally value near the ramblings of that homeless guy who lives near my bus stop, rating Vick's performance as conceivably the best of all time. Thanks boys; for a second there, I thought that maybe the Redskins were just an atrociously awful football team. That would have been a bummer. But as it turns out, Vick is just a kind of supra-God, fashioned from the most powerful aspects of the various monotheistic deities and pantheistic demi-deities, so the 'Skins - mere mortals - could not really have been expected to compete. Also interesting to note that, in a rare switch, Young and Millen were actually more effusive about the quarterback play on Monday night than Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden. Maybe Vick needs to do a few more Wrangler ads before he earns their esteem.
By the way, anybody notice that the Argonauts are now alone on top of the Western Conference? With conceivably the top fantasy player for the remainder of the season on their team?

Alligator Fuckhouse (129) defeats Cow Fister (59)
God damn, there were a lot of big scores in BIFL this week. There were four teams with more than 125 points, which as far as I can tell has not happened since Week 3 of 2004 (yup, I went all the way back in our History section), when the feat was achieved by the Oklahoma City Redhawks, Ass-Ramming HotCocks, Minnesota Bearcats, and There's a Place for Us - God, how I love hearing all the old franchise names again. (I also unearthed this gem. Gotta be the biggest margin of victory ever.) Anyways, my point is that there are many weeks where nobody reaches the 125-point mark, and this week there were four. Cow Fister was not one of those teams. In fact, they were not one of those teams that reached half that total. That simply will not do against a Fuckhouse team that put every single running back and wide receiver into double-figures. Mike Wallace (27) led the way, finding support, warmth, and a sense of strength in the arms of Jeremy Maclin (16), Peyton Hillis (14), Ahmad Bradshaw (13), and Danny Amendola (12). Souts responded to this success as he usually does: sheer panic. He immediately traded away Ahmad Bradshaw for Dwayne Bowe. Souts felt that he had enough strength at running back that he could afford to trade away the 8th-best player at that position this season, and with Rashad Mendenhall and Shonn Greene in the stable, who can argue with him?