I'm moving in to my new apartment today. With an empty room in a new apartment, the world seems full of possibilities. It's a clean slate! I can be whoever I want to be! This is gonna be the coolest apartment I've ever had! Then the upacking begins, and as box after box is emptied, and all the same sorry shit you've been carting around for years begins to populate the room, you realize that this is just your old aparment in a different location and configuration.
The same thing happens when you've had a shitty Week 1. OK, you think, we're off to a slow start, but you can't judge anything by one week, right? It's probably just a coincidence that all my guys laid eggs last week; that just means that this week they'll probably all go big! Right?!? Then you look at your roster, and it's the same old shitters on there. Let's see what we've got on tap after the jump (click the "Read More" button).
Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (0-1) vs. Sweaty Empanadas (0-1)
The Skins offense and Clinton Portis (after his first run) looked pretty lousy last week, but i like them to get back in the swing of things this week against St. Louis. The same can not be said for many of Portis' MRLD teammates, though. Papkin's team features a lot of Steelers (Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, and Heath Miller) taking on a suddenly Urlacher-less Bears squad. Pittsburgh went off against a supposedly good defense last week, so I see no reason why they won't lead the Sweaty Empanadas to victory this week.
Bartelby (1-0) vs. I'm at the Pizza Hut (0-1)
I'm not sure if it's just a New York thing but Rex Ryan, the new coach of the Jets, has been getting a ton of press and I love it. Every thing this guy's said and done so far, I like. I don't know how the fuck the Skins ended up with Aw Shucks Zorn if there was a possibility we could have hired this guy. And I think he takes it to Tom Brady this week, limiting Pizza Hut's offense. I also think Minnesota's likely to bottle up Kevin Smith, leaving only Reggie Wayne to carry this team against the minions of Satan, who're taking on a panoply of lousy defenses this week (Arizona, Cincy, San Fran, Buffalo). Advantage: Bartelby.
Burke City Giants (1-0) vs. Woody's Warriors (0-1)
I like Woody's Warriors this week. I think Michael Turner will have his first breakout game of the season. I think Thomas Jones will be able to do some damage against the Pats. I think Calvin Johnson will deliver his first touchdown of the season. And I assume he'll sit McNabb, who I'm 90% sure won't play, for Trent Edwards, who could have a decent day at Tampa Bay. But I also think that Michael Toobin's team is really, really good. I'm not picking against them until I see some weakness. The road to the title runs through Burke City.
You Got Got (0-1) vs. Wild Stallions (1-0)
I project multiple touchdowns this weekend for Maurice Jones-Drew. The Cardinals aren't great against the run or the pass, and he can do both. He is also, if I judge by last week, the only Jaguar allowed to touch the ball. Chris Johnson's probably up for big things as well taking on the perforated-for-easy-tear Texans. On the DeYoung side of things, we've got two rookies in the line-up, including Knowshon Moreno, who if I'm correct isn't really the lead back for Denver yet. Didn't they use more of Correll Buckhalter last week? And aren't they kind of shitty anyway? Looks to me like the Stallions Get Got.
A-Town Starbuckers (1-0) vs. YouBelong2Kanye (0-1)
Sometimes I wonder if when the Haller brothers get together, if they just say "Hey brother" back and forth in the Hulk Hogan voice until their dad tells an off-color joke that makes everybody uncomfortable and finally shuts them up. I think Matt's new team name is a reference to the Kanye-Taylor Swift "scandal" from the VMAs, and that was my least favorite "news" story of this week, so I'm giving this one to the Starbuckers, even though I didn't think the song that that name comes from is very funny.
The Death Panel (1-0) vs. Deuceburger (1-0)
One of the things I unearthed as I unpacked was a photo of Kex and I from Beach Week II. In it, we are beer pong teammates, both of us with our Burke Soccer t-shirts wrapped around our heads, sunburnt torsos exposed, fingers lodged in each other's belly buttons. It is one of the grossest and happiest pictures I've ever seen, and I only wish Manning and I could rekindle our cooperative spirit this week rather than facing off. But alas, we must compete against each other. Manning has Adrian Peterson going against the Lions. I am pretty worried that he alone is going to outscore my entire team. Looks like this Sunday, instead of sliders I'll be eating Deuceburger.
Last week: 4-2. Not bad.
Good luck to everyone but Kex, cuya madre puede chupar en mis cojones, guey.
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3 comments:
Excellent prediction ref the Jets thwarting the Brady express. I wondered if you were ever going to get around to our game after your Ryan beatification and Zorn castigation. Thanks as always for your work. You make getting home to this also empty apartment worthwhile.
Need to keep R.Wayne and D. Clarke under 46 tonight and Elliott is mine. I'm still worried. I have only two words in closing: Frank Gore.
I am aware that Elliott has Dallas Clark, not the recipient of "The Catch", but wait, the recipient of "The Catch" is Santonio Holmes.
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