BIFL - Week 2 Previews & Predictions

Let's dig in to some Week 2 match-ups, keeping in mind what we've learned from this week's rivalries post:

Alligator Fuckhouse (1-0) vs. Charm City Kung Fu Rodents (1-0)
Historically, the Fuckhouse franchise has the edge here, but Andre's ineptitude was mostly in the face of Schank ownership, and Souts has yet to establish the dominance that Illadelphia Eagles and Bardois Sucks at Frolf fans had come to expect. This year's match-up has the distinct odor of fanciness, with the two prettiest quarterbacks in the league, Tom Brady and Tony Romo, at play. The fanciness continues with the Rodents' Willie Parker, whom CBSSporst.com reports has "tender hamstrings." Hamstring injuries are common in the NFL, but this is the first time I can recall a player being described as "tender." Doesn't bode well for Andre, who has never been accused of being tender. Then again, Souts has never been called "rugged," but I still tip this one to Alligator Fuckhouse.

I'm in love with this new jumping technology I've discovered, so to read the rest of the predictions you'll have to click below.

Cholish Chachfaces (0-1) vs. FU BAR (1-0)
This looks like a pretty even match-up to me, which is appropriate considering that these two teams were involved in one of only two ties in the history of BIFL (in fact, Spence was involved in both). FUBAR will likely be getting the majority of their points from one game: Saints-Eagles. Even with the Eagles relatively stout defense, Brees is an unstoppable fantasy force; and the porous Saints D will probably find Westbrook pretty unstoppable in his own right. Chalski, on the other hand, will be monitoring the Steelers-Bears game, where the Roethlisberger-Holmes connection will try to replicate last week's success against a Bears' D that's missing its anchor. These four should ramp up the scores for both of these teams, but with a slightly stronger supporting cast, I give the edge to the people of Choland. (By the way, did we ever consider that Mark might be Polnese?)

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (0-1) vs. Bardois Bourgeoisie (0-1)
Bardey and I have a nice little Sunday planned out for us. Meeting Bost in the morning to watch some EPL soccer (Chelsea v. Tottenham). Then heading over to Barrow Street Ale House, my favorite Manhattan bar, to watch the NFL games, including the Skins who - if there is any justice in this godforsaken world - will be beating up on the miserable Rams. Then I'll retire to my new apartment after several weeks of homelessness. It really should be a lovely day. It's just a shame that it'll be marred by Bardey's bitterness over the way I'll be slaughtering his fantasy football team. Listen: Kevin Smith is taking on a stout Minny run D. He ain't doing shit. Matt Forte is taking on the SuperBowl champion Steelers. He ain't doing shit. Braylon Edwards and Brandon Marshall are douchers. They ain't doing shit. My team, on the other hand, features Michael Turner, who scored 4 touchdowns last year against the Panthers, this week's opponent. Chris Johnson is going to run all over the Texans. Even David Garrard, who passed for about 17 yards last week, is set for a big day against the leaky Arizona pass D. This shit is over before it started. I feel so bad about it that I might just take booth-saving duty so that Doit can enjoy the end of the soccer game before his world comes crashing down on him, HotCock style.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (0-1) vs. Pet Monkey (0-1)
All indications are that Billy will win this one. He's got three studs - Aaron Rodgers, Clinton Portis, and Roddy White - going in favorable match-ups. His opponent, Dick, is starting Derrick Ward (the second running option, and not the goal-line back, in an unexciting offense), and has only DeAngelo Williams as a promising scorer. And yet... History defines this match-up. In their ten games in the last five years, this series has gone Billy-Dick-Dick-Dick-Billy-Dick-Dick-Dick-Billy. Sometimes rhythm is more powerful than probability. I give this one to the Iron Chef.

Chip Lohmiller (0-1) vs. Juse and the Argonauts (1-0)
Dekker has won four in a row against Rousseau, and I like him to continue that trend this weekend. I'm gonna go ahead and say that Maurice Jones-Drew will be this weekend's top running back, and Reggie Wayne is as likely as anyone to be the top receiver. That's a good start. Juse, on the other hand, is starting three players in the Chiefs-Raiders game, which may be one of the worst displays of football we see all season. No matter the result, this game will put Dekker and Juse in a tie for most frequent match-up (this will be the eleventh time they've played). And if things go as I expect, they'll be competing again later this season to see if Chip Lohmiller can tie the record for longest active streak.

I'm Here for the Gangbang (1-0) vs. Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (1-0)
I am playing against Adrian Peterson this week over in NBD, and I am deathly afraid of what he's going to do to the Lions. After seeing him dismantle the Browns, who are relative titans compared to the Lions, I wouldn't be surprised if some poor, unsuspecting Lions linebacker or safety dies tomorrow. I hope that at the very least, they have paramedics at the ready. I actually think Chuck will have a good week. He's got a good team with not many scary opponents. But I'm actually afraid of Adrian Peterson - like hiding in my closet getting ready to stiffarm me when the lights go out afraid - so I'm going with the Bitch-Chokers in this one.

Last week: 4-2. Off to a good start.
Good luck to everyone this week except Bardois, who's gonna start this season 0-3, just like his beloved Hoos. Fire Jon Bardey!

Now, Week 2: Engage!