BIFL - Week 9 Review

Last night, the citizens of the United States of America witnessed and participated in an historic moment in their history as a nation. It was an event 232 years in the making, since our country's leaders first came together and declared us one people, united together in the dream of affording every citizen life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And today, that dream is one giant step closer to being a reality for all. At 10:47pm, on CNN, Americans paused as Anderson Cooper made the announcement from his New York studio: he was about to interview Black-Eyed Peas frontman and mega-producer Will.i.am in Chicago via Hologram. That's right, bitches. Holograms! We finally did it!

When Will, clad in his traditional steampunk cap and purple hoodie suit ensemble, appeared in the studio as if by magic, and spoke of the text message he had received from his mom, I knew that all across America other young African Americans were also receiving text messages from their mothers and fathers and grandparents. SMS networks across the country and indeed around the world were ablaze with the texts of a revolution: a man had been interviewed via hologram, and it was a black man. To his credit, Will appeared in the hologram not as the first black American to be interviewed holographically, but as the first American to be interviewed holographically who also happened to be black.
In light of this historic night, I think that we can safely say that America has entered a post-racial society of once-imaginary technological advancement. In the next few years, I see Hispanic Americans riding hoverboards; I see Muslim Americans driving flying cars; I see the children of immigrants and the children of Mayflower families playing in the clouds together with their jetpacks. And one day, when Americans of all races are beaming up for the summer to their rental units on Mars, we may even see it: a black President.
Yes we can.

Before we move on into the bright future of peace and harmony augured by Will.i.am's achievement, it's always a good idea to look back at what came before. With that in mind, here's Week 9 in BIFL:

Santonio's Blunts 84, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 49.5
Woof. A couple of weeks ago I traded Dwayne Bowe and Steven Jackson to Justin for Anquan Boldin, Isaac Bruce and Sammy Morris. I haven't used Bruce yet and Morris has been injured, but Boldin has been great. After one week of getting the upper hand of a trade, you feel like a winner, but after two weeks, you wonder if you should be feeling a little guilty. Steven Jackson, apparently eager to get into the good graces of his new owner, said that he was ready to play this week but clearly wasn't, mustering up a measly 1 point. Bowe was better, posting a respectable 8 points, but he was acquired to be a lesser complement to Plaxico Burress and Brandon Marshall, who combined had only 5 points. All of this is a roundabout way of saying that Justin's team ate some serious dick in Week 9. His opponent, the Blunts, were hardly extraordinary, but Donovan McNabb (21), Matt Forte (14), and Andre Johnson (12) were the Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida of this game: big swing states with many fantasy electoral points that put the contest out of reach.

FUBAR 81.5, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 81.5
Is there anything less satisfying than a tie? As much joy as it brings me to see the assymetry of two of those X-Y-Z records on the standings board, if the cutoff for making the playoffs was 7-6 and I found myself 6-6-1, I would probably shit a break and demand a recount or something. Let's get on setting a tiebreak system before that happens. Traditionally, bench points are used in fantasy as a tiebreaker, and that would lead Spencer (10 bench points) to take this one over Dick (8 bench points). I actually think it makes more sense, however, to look at the benches and the starting lineups and determine each team's optimal score. All of Spence's bench points came from Kolby Smith, who managed 10 points before suffering a knee injury that will apparently end his season. Put him in the line-up for Joseph Addai (4) and FUBAR has this game clearly won. Dick, on the other hand, had three bench scorers: Nick Folk (2), Hank Baskett (2), and Patrick Crayton (4). Put any of these guys in the line-up and the team's total stays the same or goes down. Ergo, Dick did the better job of managing his team this week, and thus deserves the win! Congrats, Dick! In my heart and on this blog (if nowhere else), you've got a victory.

Oh, as for real scoring in this one: CJ3(15), Bulger (14), D. Ward (14), Rashied Davis (12) for Spence. Driver (21) and E. Manning (11) for Dick. Jesus, is that all in double figures for Dick? Maybe he should lose after all.

Cholish Chachfaces 75, Egon Spengler 80
Had Mark and I tied (which looked conceivable basically until the end of Monday night's Steelers-Redskins debacle), and had we used my new ingenious tiebreaker system to determine the outcome, Chalski would have lost big time. He left a lot of points on the bench. Of course, no one could fault the Cholach for starting Marshawn Lynch (8) over Ray Rice (19), or Marion Barber (5) over Tim Hightower (18), but those decisions cost Chalski 24 points that he really could have used in this important BIFL East match-up. My own running backs, on the other hand, were the engine that drove Spengler success this week. Michael Turner (15) proved once again that he will top 100 yards as long as the defense he's playing is absolutely dickless, and Chris Johnson (21) put up another week that quietly has me shifting my early-season Burner man-love to his backfield mate (get it? man-love? backfield mate? oh my god, I'm funny) Usually rookie running backs tend to wear down as their first pro season wears on, and the small, light Johnson seems a very likely candidate for this sort of erosion, but during overtime of a Week 9 game he looked like a tank, rattling off 7- to 10-yard runs seemingly every time he touched the ball. Anyways, as was previously mentioned, Anquan Boldin (14) also had a hand in the Egon Spengler win.

Manatee Eaters 103.5, Sky Vault Centurions 96
Jesus, does anyone realize that Bernard Berrian (20) is averaging 19 fantasy points over his last four games? I would love to give Chuck a hard time and suggest that he's the recipient of some lucky success after making a homer pick, but I actually rode a similar wave of Berrian production two seasons ago into the playoffs, so I can't criticize. I can warn him, however, that a guy who gets all his points on big plays (this week: 2 catches for 104 yards and 1 touchdown) is always a threat to post an 0-fer type game, and since Chuck's likely entry into the playoffs this season will be a rare treat for him, he should know that he'll want some consistency in that part of the season. The MEaters will hope that that consistency will come in the form of Peyton Manning (20), Ronnie Brown (14) or Steve Slaton (11). The Centurions' most consistent player - and maybe the league's - has been Clinton Portis, but this week's dismal contest against the Steelers brought his weakest showing since the opener (13 points). Brandon Jacobs (19) tried to pick him up, and Jay Cutler (16) looked to be back on the horse after a lousy game against the Patriots and the bye, but their efforts weren't enough to put them past Chuck's crew.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 106, Pet Monkey 76
Nothing makes me angrier than Shoaf having a successful fantasy team, except when he has a successful fantasy team because of Adrian Peterson, who I love to root against. So it's safe to say that following his fourth consecutive win, and with Peterson (21) posting his second-highest point total of the season, I'm full of bitterness, hatred, and vitriol. I suppose that's nothing new, though. Stryker was the league's high scorer this week, but he hardly needed to be against a lame effort by a Pet Monkey squad still recovering from last week's Hollywood rhinoplasty. Billy may now boast a cute button nose, but that's about all he'll be boasting about. Aaron Rodgers (15) and Willie Parker (13) were the only Monkey starters in double figures, and while Billy lamented his last-minute substitution of Parker-for-Norwood on the smackboard, reversing that decision would only have netted him 1 more point, which still leaves him 29 short of Will's squad.

(NB: I'm aware of the fact that Billy's "lame" point total was actually only a few lower than my own Week 9 total. But they're totally different situations. You can't even compare them. Think about it.)

Alligator Fuckhouse 104.5, Chip Lohmiller 108
This hot Dutch-on-Dutch match-up was the shootout of the week, with the dust remaining unsettled until Monday night, when Shaun Suisham's two field goals - the only scoring the Redskins did - pushed Dekker finally into winning position. Soutendijk's strong performance came from some unexpected sources, which is kind of redundant since anyone on Souts' team having a "strong performance" is, by definition, "unexpected." Anyways, Chad Johnson (15) still didn't gain much in the way of yardage, but he did catch two touchdowns in the Bengals' first win of the season. Antonio Bryant (19) and Owen Daniels (15) also chipped in, and even one of the Fuckhousers' IDPs, Darelle Revis (10) got in on the scoring action. It was all for naught, though, as Lohmiller rode a pair of old-timers (Jeff Garcia, 19, and Derrick Mason, 21) and a rookie (Eddie Royal, 12) to eventual victory.

Good to be back at full strenth. More to come on Friday or Saturday with Week 10 projections and the usual pictures of naked ladies and weird nature.

NBD - Week 9 Preview

Checking in from Chapel Hill this weekend where DeYoung, Trost and I are visiting Elliott for Halloween. We were Lieutenant Dangle, Thor, 80's Rocker, and Point Break bank robber. Trost drank so much vodka that he took a nap on the lawn next to the bar we were at, which is when he lost his phone and camera. I spent the end of the night consoling him on a random street corner of Chapel Hill and trying to warm my bareass legs. We are nearly 30 years old. When does this end?

Let's not think about it and just look at the week 9 match-ups.

Stadler & Waldorf (2-6) vs. Woody's Warriors (3-5)
I haven't had many chances to win this year, and probably won't for the remainder of the season, but this seems like it might be one of them. The one thing that scares me is Brian Westbrook, but I'm not gonna let that deter me from picking myself.
S&W by 5

CH Croakies (4-4) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (5-3)
The Croakies' A-Pete seems like he's probably due for a big day, and the likely success of Koehler's Kurt Warner will probably be mitigated by having Larry Fitzgerald playing for Elliott.
Croakies by 4

Chestpubes & Ballfro (4-4) vs. Burke City Giants (5-3)
Colly has a man-crush on Kevin Curtis, pretty much entirely due to having a fun way of pronouncing his name, but he'll have to play against him this week which may cause some agita. It may be that sort of internal turmoil that has led him to start JaMarcus Russell at quarterback, and will also lead him to defeat this week.
Burke City Fantasy Football Giants by 6

The Leadfarmers (3-5) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (3-5)
OK I'm tired of doing this I just want to hang out in Chapel Hill and stop writing so...
LBH by 8

Hamster Now Guinea Pig (7-1) vs. Wyld Stallyns (5-3)
Lotta red Q's on the Stallyns squad this week.
Guinea Pig by 10

Mephistopheles (3-5) vs. Tri Steeg Area (4-4)
From Cedric Benson & Warrick Dunn to Kevin Faulk & Ricky Williams. Yikes.
Tri Steeg by 13

Last week: 5-1
Overall: 32-16

BIFL - Week 9 Preview

Already Week 9? Damn this shit goes quick. Playoffs are a month away; let's see who's gonna make em:

Santonio's Blunts (2-6) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-6)
This is a game of almost no consequence, except for assessing which of these franchises has fallen further from grace since their fantasy glory days. Actually, I'm not sure that Justin ever had any glory days, but he was the commissioner for a while. I've never known Doit to go into the weekend, or even, say, Wednesday, without setting his lineup, but as of this posting (Saturday, 12:15pm) he's still got two bye weekers and one empty slot starting. For that alone,
Juse by 8

FUBAR (6-2) vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (5-3)
We're nearing the end of bye week season, but it's not over yet and these two teams are decimated by it this week with FUBAR missing Brees and Gore and Poon missing LDT and Steve Smith. As a result, this game will suck, but there has to be a winner.
Poon-Pounders by 4

Cholish Chachfaces (4-4) vs. Egon Spengler (4-4)
This should be a good match-up, with two .500 teams battling for a hopeful playoff spot in the East. Chalski will miss Philip Rivers, whose Chargers have a bye, but the Texans can't play defense so Gus Frerotte might not be as big a downgrade as he seems. Still, Michael Turner goes off on bad teams, and the Raiders are nothing if not bad.
Spengler by 9

Manatee Eaters (6-2) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (5-3)
For weeks I've been telling you that Andre's team is good and Chuck's team is not good. You think I'm gonna change my tune this week?
Sky Vault by 7

Jeff Stryker is not really gay (4-4) vs. Pet Monkey (4-4)
Read the first sentence of my Chachfaces-Spengler preview, and substitute the word "West" for "East." I noticed that Shoaf is starting Michael Bennett, and I wasn't even aware that he was still in the league, so I opened up his "News" brief to see if there was something Will knew that I didn't: "The Buccaneers may activate Bennett for Sunday's game at Kansas City, the St. Petersburg Times reports." That sounds positive.
Monkey by 13

Alligator Fuckhouse (3-5) vs. Chip Lohmiller (3-5)
I can think of almost nothing to say about these two lousy, lousy teams. Brian Westbrook will probably go nuts again this week, and I think Terrell Owens is ready to come back and have a decent performance, even against a solid Giants D.
Lohmiller by 10

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 33-15

NBD - Week 8 Review

If anyone else is watching the Wizards opening game against the Nets right now, we may be seeing some historically bad professional basketball here, especially with the full second unit for each team on the court in the 2nd quarter. Kudos to Nick Young and Andray Blatche, though, for bringing back early-90's black hairstyles. Anyways, back to your regularly scheduled truncated fantasy football notes:

Stadler & Waldorf 77.58, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 104.34
If I win all my games from here on out I'll finish 7-6 and probably won't make the playoffs. I declared my solidarity with MRLD a few weeks ago, so I was happy to spot them a victory here. Also helping were Kurt Warner (22) and Frank Gore (16).

CH Croakies 89.02, Burke City Giants 89.30
Squeeeeeak! This must have been a nerve-wracking Monday night for the Toobins. Michael went into the game with a nearly 20-point lead and Reggie Wayne to play, but Peyton Manning seemed to only have eyes for Elliott's Dallas Clark, and as the game progressed the Croakies inched closer and closer. Alas, a 14-yard pass in the fourth quarter brought Wayne up to the princely sum of 2.9 points, which was enough by less than 3/10ths of a point to stay ahead of Clark's massive night (21).

Chestpubes & Ballfro 83.28, Lassard Blows Harris 82.22
Another tight one. In case anyone hasn't noticed, Roddy White has been blowing up lately and this Sunday was no exception (23). He was matched by LDT and supported well by Chris Johnson (16) who is looking like a great candidate to replace Tomlinson as the top RB for the defending champs next season. That was about it for C&B, who had some seriously lame performances at many of the other positions, but that was just enough to sneak by the Harris-Blowers despite a strong return by Anquan Boldin (21). Good to see that he can play despite having a crushed head.



[Wizards game break: rookie Javale McGee appears to be over 9 feet tall]

The Leadfarmers 67.66, Wyld Stallyns 73.44
Some interesting facts about this game: I would have beaten both teams. DeYoung's San Diego Defense, drafted in the 7th round (first among D's) scored -2 points. Josh Scobee has an interest in amateur animal husbandry. 69% of the Stallyns scoring came from two players (Philip Rivers and Santana Moss). One of these facts was made up. If you know which one it was, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Commandant Lassard c/o Sovicorps Industries, 163 Huntington St. Apt. 2, Brooklyn NY 11231, identify the false fact and you will receive a prize.

Hamster Now Guinea Pig 104.38, Tri Steeg Area 69.92
Since the beginning of the season, I have had waiver wire priority while Haller's nearly undefeated team has been at the bottom of the totem pole. And yet, while I've managed to snag such fantasy luminaries as David Patten, Brandon Jackson, and Greg Camarillo, Haller ended up with Donnie Avery, averaging 15 points a game over his last 4 games, including 22 this week. What the fuck, man.

Woody's Warriors 116.34, Mephistopheles 77.46
Last week Woodrow briefly loosened my stranglehold on the bottom of the league table, but the top-scoring performance of Week 8 not only slammed me back into place, it also sent Pops Sovic back down with me and leapfrogged the Warriors over several other teams into 8th place. This victory came largely on the shoulders of the triumphant return of Brian Westbrook (33), but Antonio Gates (16) and Marc Bulger (15) also deserve some credit. Meanwhile, the Satanists - lowest-scoring team in the league - are shockingly finding little success with the backfield tandem of Cedric Benson (7) and Warrick Dunn (1). We have seen only one trade in all of the NBD this year. Surely one of you front-runners should make a move for Drew Brees in exchange for some keepable talent, no?

BIFL - Week 8 Review

Another brief entry this week; back to full strength soon I promise. Actually I'm watching coverage of NBA Opening Night right now and I'm pretty psyched. By next week this could conceivably be a fantasy basketball blog. Cross your fingers Clujers.

Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 87.5, FUBAR 90
This was a classic Monday night match-up, or would have been with Juse's Marvin Harrison taking on all of Spencer's IDPs. But the IDPs were strong, and Marvin Harrison was weak. Juse's RBs proved that he was smart to trade for S-Jax, even if he was out this week.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 107, Cholish Chachfaces 77
Dick made the questionable move of starting both Hank Baskett (0) and Kevin Curtis (4) over Laveranues Coles (12), but it didn't matter at all because the rest of his squad - Steve Smith (27), LDT (24), D'Angelo Williams (19) - rocked it. You know who sucked in this game? The kickers. 2 points each, guys? That's pussy shit.

Egon Spengler 95, Manatee Eaters 51.5
Two years ago, headed into Week 8, I traded a player from my position of strength (Javon Walker at wideout) to acquire a player at my position of weakness (Mike Vick at QB). Vick went on to score 28 points that week, leading the HotCocks to victory, and I went on to win the championship. This year, headed into Week 8, I traded from my position of strength (Steven Jackson at RB) to acquire a player at my position of weakness (Anquan Boldin at WR). Boldin led my team to victory this week with 21 points. Just sayin'.

Oh also, Chuck's team is not good.

Sky Vault Centurions 104.5, Chip Lohmiller 93.5
After the Sunday games - and let me just say real quick that it is some BULL SHIT that the Sunday night game was cancelled in deference to the world series - Dekker had a 4-point lead, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Shaun ("Su-eeeey") Suisham (16). Appropriate that a team named after a former Redskins' kicker would be led by the current one. To make up those 4 points, all Dre had was his own kicker, Rob Bironas. And then Rob Bironas did what ROB BIRONAS DO. He scored 13 points and won the game. These are the most kicker-centric Notes ever.

Pet Monkey 123, Santonio's Blunts 67.5
It's kind of depressing talking to Bardey about how bad his BIFL franchise is. And I do that pretty much every day over AIM. I guess what I'm saying is: fuck you, Billy; you really fucked over my lunch period today.

I should note, however, that Bardey and I were both cheered by what a badass Pet Monkey's Santana Moss (30) was this weekend.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 112, Alligator Fuckhouse 66.5
God, I hate Dallas Clark (21). I could get down with naming my kid BenJarvus, though. I dig the whole Ben- as a prefix thing. Like Ben-Gurion. That's something, right? An Israeli prime minister? An Israeli airport? An Israeli airport named after an Israeli prime minister? Souts, help me out here.

Later, dudes.

NBD - Week 8 Preview

Stadler & Waldorf (2-5) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (4-3)
Man, I've got a lot of dudes on bye this week.
Matt Ryan by 12

CH Croakies (4-3) vs. Burke City Giants (4-3)
Last week the Hallers clashed, this week it's the Toobins. Once again, the elder will prevail.
Giants by 6

Chestpubes & Ballfro (3-4) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (3-4)
Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and grabs me by the weiner.
Ballfro by 8

The Leadfarmers (3-4) vs. Wyld Stallyns (4-3)
Intriguing match-ups here. Eli Manning and Philip Rivers were traded for each other on draft day. Marion Barber and Julius Jones used to share a backfield. Randy Moss and Santana Moss have the same last name. Donald Lee (in the lineup as of 11:13am) is on a bye, Jason Witten is not.
Stallyns by 6

Hamster Now Guinea Pig (6-1) vs. Tri Steeg Area (4-3)
Chris Mortensen just referred to staph infections, like the one currently invading Tom Brady's knee like an unstoppable rebel force, as a "problem in society." Chris Berman heartily agrees it's a societal issue. Am I fucking crazy? Because that sounds retarded to me.
Tri Steeg by 4

Woody's Warriors (2-5) vs. Mephistopheles (3-4)
Amazingly, Ray-Ray is starting Cedric Benson yet again.
Warriors by 5

Last week: 3-3
Overall: 27-15

BIFL - Week 8 Preview

Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-5) vs. FUBAR (5-2)
Juse just got S-Jax from me. Looks like he's not playing.
FUBAR by 8

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (4-3) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (4-3)
I predict a close, bad game.
Poon-Pounders by 3

Egon Spengler (3-4) vs. Manatee Eaters (6-1)
I'm really starting to hate Chuck's team.
Spengler by 5

Sky Vault Centurions (4-3) vs. Chip Lohmiller (3-4)
Portis = god.
Centurions by 9

Pet Monkey (3-4) vs. Santonio's Blunts (2-5)
"Holmes' car had marijuana-filled cigars when he was stopped because his car looked like another one police had been seeking." I buy that reason, as long as you substitute "looked like another one police had been seeking" with "looked like one that was being driven by a black guy." Also if you haven't checked out Bardey's new logo, you should. Mouth-watering.
Blunts by 4

Jeff Stryker is not really gay (3-4) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (3-4)
If I ran into Emmit Smith and knew that I wouldn't get caught, I'm pretty sure I'd slit his throat. I wouldn't even feel the slightest bit of remorse. I honestly don't think he's intelligent enough to understand larger concepts like life, death, and the afterlife.
Unbelievably, Fuckhouse by 5

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 29-13