I went unexpectedly loquacious during this week's write-ups, so I'll keep this intro pretty short and simple: Week 4 is done, which means it's time for the transaction window to open. Read the details on how this will work in the previous post, and e-mail me your free agent auction bids by midnight eastern time on Tuesday, May 12th. I have sent mine to Will for safe-keeping.
I'm sure it won't surprise any of you to know that I've been doing some research in preparation for the impending transaction window; I hope that you have too. One thing that's been interesting about it is how granular you can get in thinking about how these guys can help you. Some of the best fantasy seasons in history have hinged on a handful of huge performances, and depending on where those performances fall during the course of the season, even the all-time greats can be rendered somewhat irrelevant to our purposes. To wit: DeShaun Watson was undoubtedly great last year; Priest Holmes emerged as a dominant force in 2001; and Arian Foster had a run in 2014 where he scored at least 25 points in three out of four games. But this week, they all coincided to produce absolute shit (at least relative to the level of this league). For Cody's team, on the other hand, all the various seasons on his roster seemed to hit a spike in Week 4, leading to an absolute demolition of his cross-Austin rival. (I spent some time in Austin recently and visited both Cody and Beb's homes, but I'm still not sure if their locations are technically "cross-Austin." They may very well be "across-the-street-Austin" but that is not nearly as lyrical.) You'll note that Shaun Alexander has finally taken over as the lead back in 2001 Seattle; he'll have some pretty big games over the next month.
When Joe drafted Antonio Gates as his tight end, he did so in homage to Eric Sherwood, the faux-Hawaiian who prioritized acquiring Gates in the NBD draft year after year, only to stop paying attention to his roster and start injured/bye week players within 4-6 weeks. Well, now Colly has followed in Sherwood's footsteps in the latter fashion, leaving an empty spot in his starting lineup for the second week in a row. Of course, this isn't really his fault; and this week, he's not even going to be punished for it, because Elliott finds himself in the exact same situation. Frankly, it's a little embarrassing that Elliott didn't remember that Shaun Alexander in 2004 and Christian McCaffrey fourteen years later had the same bye week, but I guess some people just aren't real football fans. Equally embarrassing was the rest of Elliott's squad, which could manage only two players in double-digits. Joe's team, on the other hand, was led by the very man who embodied his Sherwood hat-tip in the first place: Antonio Gates.
Insert something about lines, spreads, hedges, futures, shorts and longs here. That's all I hear when I try to talk to these two about sports and it's about as interesting as hearing two accountants talk about the loopholes they found for their rich asshole clients. In this case, Bardey found himself an easy payday by laying money on two different Randy Mosses that both paid off well. So far, I think '07 Moss has been the dominant receiver, but on Week 3 in 2003 Randy caught for 172 yards and three touchdowns, which is a hell of a day by a receiver. I wish I could include this in the Historical Highlight Reel but I can't find any videos of this particular performance. By the way, I just realized (thanks to a Bardey comment from the Week 2 post) that if you're reading this blog on a smart-phone you're probably not seeing the video links. Click "View web version" or read it on a laptop if you want visual aids.
As for Dekker: by investing his resources in Kurt Warner '02 and Clinton Portis '02, it's almost as though he fully poured himself into two properties that he had some vague familiarity with, but no real knowledge of how they would operate or what kind of profits they could provide. Too soon for that kind of joke? Probably too soon. He can handle, it he's a big boy. He's probably not reading this blog either.
From the ages of 11-18, I probably spent more time with Jon DeYoung than any other human: defining our senses of humor on Kids in the Hall reruns; developing our love of obscure athletes through endless sessions of NBA Live '95; building a vocabulary all our own on the frisbee golf course; and just generally leaning on each other to survive our tweenage and teenage years. And considering the degree to which your personality is formed in those years, it stands to reason that my and Jon's neural networks probably developed identically in many ways. Even now, over thirty years after our friendship began, and after significant separations of time and distance, we managed to draft incredibly similar teams, leading to a match-up that featured not one, not two, but three face-offs of the same player: Aaron Rodgers '11 vs. '14, LaDainian Tomlinson '03 vs. '04, and Calvin Johnson '10 vs '12. Unfortunately for me, although our brains are undoubtedly similar, DeYoung's has always been the finer one for details, especially when it comes to sports*, and mine has always been more focused on things like having an even rudimentary sense of direction. As a result, Jon chose the better season in every single one of those match-ups, and ended up trouncing me pretty thoroughly in the process.
*I have a distinct memory of introducing Jon to my dad shortly after we first met and having my Dad quiz him on NCAA schools, of which Deezer knew every single team nickname. For old time's sake, Jonny: South Dakota State University?
Screen's was the lone unbeaten team heading into Week 4, and now that streak, too, has ended. (Thankfully, Dekker's beaten streak lives on.) Honestly, I don't have a whole lot more to say about this game than that: Screen's team did fine, but Kex's team was better. So instead I'll throw this out there: there's been a lot of talk about how the crew of Lake Braddock high school friends has stayed remarkably close over the years, but have you also noticed that at least three of the members of that crew are gringos who've developed fluency in Spanish (these two, plus me--also I think Elliott knows "business Spanish," whatever that is)? Can the supposed geniuses of Thomas Jefferson say that, Bardey and Dekker? What about the well-heeled graduates of the Bronxville Broncos, Souts? I won't even ask about those of you who hail from backwater schools like Chaparral and Chattahootchee, I know you fuckers no hablan castellano. Last post I advised that those of you with sons raise them to be quarterbacks, but perhaps I should be advising that they learn Spanish, to ensure life-long friendships!
Nah, forget that. Teach them to be quarterbacks.
Did you know that I haven't had a single player score 30 points this season? Of all these supposed historical greats, not one. Souts had three this week, and another player within sixteen hundredths of that mark. I mean, Trey actually had a pretty good week. 22.9 out of a receiver in this non-PPR format is great, and 28.8 out of Tomlinson is vintage LDT. The average score through four weeks in this league is 90.79 (good lord I haven't even sniffed that number) so Trey's total here wins more games than it loses, but he wasn't even close in this one. You would think with such fantasy acumen, Souts would be able to follow some simple directions about when to send in his free agent bids, but alas: he could not. (Just kidding, Souts: I know my directions were ridiculously complicated; it's surprisingly hard to write those processes up in a concise and accurate way!) Rest assured, though, that as of this moment, my free agent auction bids are safely in the hands of CPA William K. Shoot, of Price Waterhouse Coopers, so that they will be unaffected by any bids you guys send my way over the next two days. But I swear to god if someone outbids me on the guy I really want, I'm gonna fucking murder someone, and by "someone" I mean Will, which will allow me to lie about my bids. He was so complimentary about the league and so regretful about not being able to be involved, and then was willing to be the repository of my free agent bids; and I murdered him for it! My god, life is cruel. This would make a great true crime podcast, though.
Here are your Week 4 standings. Stay healthy and sane!
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