Quick note: this year, instead of putting out a full week's worth of game reviews in one post, I'll be spreading them out over a few days. This makes it easier on me in that I can spend a little time each day writing instead of several hours on Tuesday or Wednesday night, and better for you in that you can check Commandant Lassard almost any day and there will be some new content, and if you (gasp) don't check every day, you can just scroll down and see what you missed.
If you're just tuning in, don't miss Week 1 Part A and Part B.
I'm Here for the Gangbang (96) defeats the Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (79)
Occasionally I like to troll the scoreboards on a Monday afternoon, see which games are likely to be affected by the Monday Night Football game, and declare the one most up for grabs... the Monday Night Match-Up(!). This designation carries no weight. It's probably noticed by one or two people, if that. It raises my level of anticipation from slight to modest. But it makes me feel good to give things titles, and when I capitalize things, in my head it sounds like Don Pardo is reading it. And thus: the Monday Night Match-Up. This week's MNMU featured (I Now Pronounce You) Chuck and Dick. After Sunday, it was a tight contest at 71 - 69.5. That slight edge was held by Chuck after a 17-point day from Matt Ryan, 16 each from Frank Gore and Roy Williams, and an amazing 12 IDP points from Osi Umenyiora. Dick had answered with a strong IDP of his own in London Fletcher (10 pts), and decent efforts from DeAngelo Williams (13), Kurt Warner (11), and Hines Ward (10). So the MNMU (or "menomuna") came down to Chuck's Randy Moss and Stephen Gostkowski against Dick's LaDainian Tomlinson. Unfortunately, as Bardey pointed out on the smackboard, this ain't 2006. Randy Moss is no longer turd burgling in Oakland, and LaDainian Tomlinson is no longer Superman. So Dick got pasted. Next time I lay a menomuna on you guys, it better be fucking better than this.
Juse and the Argonauts (76) defeat Pet Monkey (64)
On Sunday morning, I predicted that this face-off would be unexciting, and it was. I also posed a number of questions that were raised by the match-up. Here is what I came up with: late 2008; so far, yes; doesn't look like it - maybe the receivers do matter; eh - not yet, but maybe getting there; yes, indeed, Cedric Benson; nailed it anyway.
Aaron Rodgers (16) had a pretty good day for Juse. I wish he were my quarterback. Cedric Benson (16) had a pretty good day for Billy. I still don't wish he were my running back. But I might, in a couple weeks.
So that's it for the Week 1 wrap-up.
With this being the fifth anniversary of the opening season of the modern BIFL, as well as the last season of the '00s, and with me having a lot of time on my hands, I've been working on some historical shit. The first of that will be coming out in a couple days, and then I'll be doing Previews & Predictions for Week 2, so keep your eyes peeled.
Showing posts with label BIFL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BIFL. Show all posts
9.17.2009
9.15.2009
BIFL - Week 1 Review B
Quick note: this year, instead of putting out a full week's worth of game reviews in one post, I'll be spreading them out over a few days. This makes it easier on me in that I can spend a little time each day writing instead of several hours on Tuesday or Wednesday night, and better for you in that you can check Commandant Lassard almost any day and there will be some new content, and if you (gasp) don't check every day, you can just scroll down and see what you missed.
If you haven't checked Part A yet, click here.
I saw the movie "9" today, and let me just say that if you love sock puppets, the show "Destroy! Build! Destroy!" featuring Andrew WK, and the apocalypse, this is the film for you. I don't want to give too much away, but it involves the last human on earth imbuing these little ragdoll creations of his with life. Not unlike the way I use this blog to bring life to the empty tallying of numbers and statistics that is fantasy football. Segue!
Charm City Kung Fu Rodents (87) defeat Cholish Chachfaces (75)
In my Week 1 Previews and Predictions, I noted that "Tony Romo should have no problem carving up the no-longer-fearsome Tampa 2;" "Larry Fitzgerald will almost certainly get the better of Josh Morgan in their receiver match-up;" and predicted that the Chargers run game would be more successful than the air attack. Well, Romo romped to 34 points, Fitzgerald scored 13.5 points to Josh Morgan's 3, and Darren Sproles and LaDainian Tomlinson combined for 23 points, the same as Mark's combo of Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson. Now, I admit that those weren't terribly bold or against-the-grain predictions, but in light of all the players I accuse of sucking who routinely prove me wrong, I wanted to point out that I am occasionally right. Beyond Romo and Fitgerald, only Dustin Keller (10.5 pts) really contributed for the Rodents this week, but considering the uniform mediocrity on the Chachface side of things, that was enough to get it done. Mark has to be worried about Steve Smith (3 pts), who is undoubtedly one of the most talented receivers in the game, but who is currently catching passes from a guy playing some absolutely atrocious football. Here's hoping Delhomme can either find his way, or the Panthers can find somebody to replace him.
Merriman's Bitch Chokers (134) defeat Chip Lohmiller (103)
I have long been on record as an Adrian Peterson hater. Coming into the league, I thought he was going to be an injury-prone bust, and fantasy-wise, he's been owned by Will in BIFL and Elliott in NBD, and those are the two owners whose teams I love to hate the most. We're entering year 3 of the Peterson era, and I still hate him, but now I hate him more like I hate LeBron James and hated Michael Jordan: he's just too fucking good. In this run on Sunday
he appears to be angry at #24 Eric Wright not for trying to tackle him, which was basically a lost cause, but for thinking that he might be able to tackle him. He's so mad, in fact, that he turns around and needlessly slows down to punch #22 Brandon McDonald in the face before streaking ahead for a touchdown. This fucker is so mean. We get it, AP, or AD, or whatever. You're good. You don't have to be a dick about it.
OK my little Peterson tirade means that I'll just briefly mention that the rest of Will's team was really good this week, too, with Greg Jennings (22), John Carlson (21), Peyton Manning (16), and Cadillac Williams (15) all chipping in on Week 1's high score. Chalski, in a losing effort, got very respectable days from Reggie Wayne (24.5) and Maurice Jones-Drew (17). From my perch at Off the Wagon (NYC's Cheapest Sports Bar!) I got to see a lot of that Jags-Colts game, and I will tell you this: Reggie looked good, making plenty of athletic, line-dancing catches, and MoJo appeared to be either running or receiving the ball on roughly 90% of Jacksonville's offensive downs. If that guy's still alive come Week 10, I'll be shocked.
Two more games to go in tomorrow's Part C.
If you haven't checked Part A yet, click here.
I saw the movie "9" today, and let me just say that if you love sock puppets, the show "Destroy! Build! Destroy!" featuring Andrew WK, and the apocalypse, this is the film for you. I don't want to give too much away, but it involves the last human on earth imbuing these little ragdoll creations of his with life. Not unlike the way I use this blog to bring life to the empty tallying of numbers and statistics that is fantasy football. Segue!
Charm City Kung Fu Rodents (87) defeat Cholish Chachfaces (75)
In my Week 1 Previews and Predictions, I noted that "Tony Romo should have no problem carving up the no-longer-fearsome Tampa 2;" "Larry Fitzgerald will almost certainly get the better of Josh Morgan in their receiver match-up;" and predicted that the Chargers run game would be more successful than the air attack. Well, Romo romped to 34 points, Fitzgerald scored 13.5 points to Josh Morgan's 3, and Darren Sproles and LaDainian Tomlinson combined for 23 points, the same as Mark's combo of Philip Rivers and Vincent Jackson. Now, I admit that those weren't terribly bold or against-the-grain predictions, but in light of all the players I accuse of sucking who routinely prove me wrong, I wanted to point out that I am occasionally right. Beyond Romo and Fitgerald, only Dustin Keller (10.5 pts) really contributed for the Rodents this week, but considering the uniform mediocrity on the Chachface side of things, that was enough to get it done. Mark has to be worried about Steve Smith (3 pts), who is undoubtedly one of the most talented receivers in the game, but who is currently catching passes from a guy playing some absolutely atrocious football. Here's hoping Delhomme can either find his way, or the Panthers can find somebody to replace him.
Merriman's Bitch Chokers (134) defeat Chip Lohmiller (103)
I have long been on record as an Adrian Peterson hater. Coming into the league, I thought he was going to be an injury-prone bust, and fantasy-wise, he's been owned by Will in BIFL and Elliott in NBD, and those are the two owners whose teams I love to hate the most. We're entering year 3 of the Peterson era, and I still hate him, but now I hate him more like I hate LeBron James and hated Michael Jordan: he's just too fucking good. In this run on Sunday
he appears to be angry at #24 Eric Wright not for trying to tackle him, which was basically a lost cause, but for thinking that he might be able to tackle him. He's so mad, in fact, that he turns around and needlessly slows down to punch #22 Brandon McDonald in the face before streaking ahead for a touchdown. This fucker is so mean. We get it, AP, or AD, or whatever. You're good. You don't have to be a dick about it.
OK my little Peterson tirade means that I'll just briefly mention that the rest of Will's team was really good this week, too, with Greg Jennings (22), John Carlson (21), Peyton Manning (16), and Cadillac Williams (15) all chipping in on Week 1's high score. Chalski, in a losing effort, got very respectable days from Reggie Wayne (24.5) and Maurice Jones-Drew (17). From my perch at Off the Wagon (NYC's Cheapest Sports Bar!) I got to see a lot of that Jags-Colts game, and I will tell you this: Reggie looked good, making plenty of athletic, line-dancing catches, and MoJo appeared to be either running or receiving the ball on roughly 90% of Jacksonville's offensive downs. If that guy's still alive come Week 10, I'll be shocked.
Two more games to go in tomorrow's Part C.
9.14.2009
BIFL - Week 1 Review A
Quick note: this year, instead of putting out a full week's worth of game reviews in one post, I'll be spreading them out over a few days. This makes it easier on me in that I can spend a little time each day writing instead of several hours on Tuesday or Wednesday night, and better for you in that you can check Commandant Lassard almost any day and there will be some new content, and if you (gasp) don't check every day, you can just scroll down and see what you missed.
For those of you who haven't heard: I'm unemployed. My teaching certification expired this spring, and even though I fulfilled the requirements to re-new it this summer, New York City put on a hiring freeze for teachers, so my principal was unable to re-hire me. So now I'm out a job. Oh, and I'm homeless. My lease ran out at the end of august, and both my roommates moved back to DC. For the past week I've been crashing with Bost and Delconte (special thanks to them for being excellent - and largely absent - hosts). So my life is largely an empty, lifeless shell of what it was a few months ago. But all summer long, as my situation has become more and more hopeless, there has been one bright spot on the horizon. One lone ray of hope shining through the murk of despair: football season. And yesterday, at long last, it finally arrived. The results: the Skins lost to hated conference rivals, the Giants, and perhaps worse, my fantasy team lost to the awfulness that is Soutendijk. Fuck you, life. Fuck you very much.
Let's see who else has good reason to extend a long middle finger to the Lord above:
FU BAR (100+ 103.5) defeats Bardois Bourgeoisie (75)
Spencer's still got an IDP going tonight, but this one's already in the bag as Spence will only add to his already-sizable lead. Seems like a lot of the traditional, expected fantasy powerhouses came out flat in Week 1, and this contest was no exception. Bardey's top talents, Matt Forte and Andre Johnson, combined for 8.5 points, and Spencer's horse, Calvin Johnson, had a rather pedestrian 9 points. But at least one of 2008's fantasy monsters picked up where he left off last year, and then some. Drew Brees' six touchdowns were enough to give him a 40-point day. Normally relying on one player for 40% of your points would not be a good thing, but I feel confident that the Frogg (and Bardey, who owns Brees in the Uberleague, and I, who own him in NBD) would take that ratio every week if the New Orleans passing game keeps this up every week. Unfortunately, Brees can't take on the Lions every week, but if he can even approach last year's numbers, FU BAR should be in good shape.
Alligator Fuckhouse (71+ 122) defeats Ass-Ramming HotCocks (64)
Oh boy. Souts still has three big guns to go tonight (Tom Brady, Fred Jackson, Wes Welker), and already - unless those three combine for like 4 fumbles and no positive yardage - he's got me beat. This was a lousy week for the HotCocks, starting Chris Johnson's lackluster opening on Thursday night, and then continuing into Sunday, when John Clayton reported that Anquan Boldin would sit (he played, but only in a limited fashion) and then discovered that Kevin Walter was sitting as well, necessitating a last-minute iPhone substitution from the bar (thanks, Bardey). It didn't help. Boldin and Walter's replacements, Torry Holt and Austin Collie, gave me five big points, surpassed by my stud Michael Turner's massive six. Did I mention that Donovan McNabb broke a rib on Sunday? For those keeping track, that makes Boldin, Walter, McNabb, and Pierre Thomas all injured for me. Fuck. Meanwhile, Souts team was like a who's-who of guys who stand to make me look like an idiot. I called into question a lot of Souts' drafting decisions, and declared his keeper, Thomas Jones, "done." So, of course, Jones went for 26 and his little brother dropped 22 on the Fuckhouse bench. At this point, I'm looking for a huge night out of Brady-Welker so that at least I'll have lost to a strong opponent, and not just shitty old Soutendijk having a lucky week.
Check back in the next few days for the remaining BIFL Week 1 games.
For those of you who haven't heard: I'm unemployed. My teaching certification expired this spring, and even though I fulfilled the requirements to re-new it this summer, New York City put on a hiring freeze for teachers, so my principal was unable to re-hire me. So now I'm out a job. Oh, and I'm homeless. My lease ran out at the end of august, and both my roommates moved back to DC. For the past week I've been crashing with Bost and Delconte (special thanks to them for being excellent - and largely absent - hosts). So my life is largely an empty, lifeless shell of what it was a few months ago. But all summer long, as my situation has become more and more hopeless, there has been one bright spot on the horizon. One lone ray of hope shining through the murk of despair: football season. And yesterday, at long last, it finally arrived. The results: the Skins lost to hated conference rivals, the Giants, and perhaps worse, my fantasy team lost to the awfulness that is Soutendijk. Fuck you, life. Fuck you very much.
Let's see who else has good reason to extend a long middle finger to the Lord above:
FU BAR (
Spencer's still got an IDP going tonight, but this one's already in the bag as Spence will only add to his already-sizable lead. Seems like a lot of the traditional, expected fantasy powerhouses came out flat in Week 1, and this contest was no exception. Bardey's top talents, Matt Forte and Andre Johnson, combined for 8.5 points, and Spencer's horse, Calvin Johnson, had a rather pedestrian 9 points. But at least one of 2008's fantasy monsters picked up where he left off last year, and then some. Drew Brees' six touchdowns were enough to give him a 40-point day. Normally relying on one player for 40% of your points would not be a good thing, but I feel confident that the Frogg (and Bardey, who owns Brees in the Uberleague, and I, who own him in NBD) would take that ratio every week if the New Orleans passing game keeps this up every week. Unfortunately, Brees can't take on the Lions every week, but if he can even approach last year's numbers, FU BAR should be in good shape.
Alligator Fuckhouse (
Oh boy. Souts still has three big guns to go tonight (Tom Brady, Fred Jackson, Wes Welker), and already - unless those three combine for like 4 fumbles and no positive yardage - he's got me beat. This was a lousy week for the HotCocks, starting Chris Johnson's lackluster opening on Thursday night, and then continuing into Sunday, when John Clayton reported that Anquan Boldin would sit (he played, but only in a limited fashion) and then discovered that Kevin Walter was sitting as well, necessitating a last-minute iPhone substitution from the bar (thanks, Bardey). It didn't help. Boldin and Walter's replacements, Torry Holt and Austin Collie, gave me five big points, surpassed by my stud Michael Turner's massive six. Did I mention that Donovan McNabb broke a rib on Sunday? For those keeping track, that makes Boldin, Walter, McNabb, and Pierre Thomas all injured for me. Fuck. Meanwhile, Souts team was like a who's-who of guys who stand to make me look like an idiot. I called into question a lot of Souts' drafting decisions, and declared his keeper, Thomas Jones, "done." So, of course, Jones went for 26 and his little brother dropped 22 on the Fuckhouse bench. At this point, I'm looking for a huge night out of Brady-Welker so that at least I'll have lost to a strong opponent, and not just shitty old Soutendijk having a lucky week.
Check back in the next few days for the remaining BIFL Week 1 games.
8.06.2008
BIFL - Keep the Populace Alarmed
As our draft order has been announced and the keeper declaration deadline nears, it's time for my annual assessment of each team's options. Some of us have difficult decisions ahead of us, with a number of players available who would give us value at their draft spots. Still others (Billy) stare at a bare cabinet, bereft of talent. Either way, it's good to try and get an idea of what these other fuckers might be up to. To that end:
Bardois - lacks the franchise player that we all expected Larry Johnson (2nd round) to be a year or two ago, but still has plenty of options for supporting talent, including the afore-mentioned Mr. Johnson, Thomas Jones (2) and the finally-starting Michael Turner (8) all options at the running back spot. If he follows the pervasive fantasy expert wisdom these days and moves away from the traditional supremacy of rushers, he could lean towards Andre Johnson (3) or Santonio Holmes (6).
Hollywood Meyers - used last year's 1st-round pick on Travis Henry, who is currently unemployed (which must make it hard to buy weed and pay child support -- and i presume that's the order of priority for him), and has another of last year's over-hyped running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew, available in the 2nd. Beyond that, Ben Roethlisberger looks like the only solid keeper option, though his value does look good all the way down in round 9.
Chester McNester - a few of Chuck's big guns (Shaun Alexander and Marvin Harrison) have gone defunct in the off-season, but his engine of Tom Brady and Randy Moss (1 and 5, respectively) still looks awfully appealing. If Chuck thinks the 1st round is too high for Brady or if he doesn't feel he can trust Moss for another year, Jason Witten (9) certainly made a strong case for himself last year as the top tight end in the league.
Sussenfrank - takes over a team from Cody that may have been abandoned for its suckiness as much as for any sort of financial or time commitment reasons. Souts is welcomed back to the league with a trio of 1st-round options that includes the jobless Cedric Benson, the suspended Steve Smith, and the touchdown-less Willie Parker. Jamal Lewis, however, was a pleasant surprise in the 6th for Cody last year, and may prove to be a good value for Souts this season; and if David Garrard can continue his success from the second half of last year, he's certainly worth a 12th-round selection.
Inspecta Dekk - does not find himself with a wealth of options, but the ones he does have -- T.O. in the 3rd and Brian Westbrook in the 4th -- look strong. If he fears for Westbrook's physical health or Owens' mental health, he may find himself wondering if Ronnie Brown (1) can repeat his brief but outstanding performance last year (before his legs exploded).
Dick - will finally be forced to loose his vice-like grip on Edgerrin James this year, a boon to anyway in the league in search of a washed-up runner in a lousy running offense, but his draw as the 1st pick in the draft secures him the services of LDT. In support of Tomlinson, we could see Fred Taylor (6) as a reasonable, if aging, RB-2 or Chris Cooley (7) in the tight end spot.
Dr. Dre - has two Super Bowl winners amongst his possible keepers, and either would probably represent a good value with Brandon Jacobs in the 7th or Eli Manning in the 9th. Our collective fears of a Portis-Betts time-share dropped Sheriff Gonna-Gitcha to the 2nd round last year, but as an almost definite 1st-round selection this year, Andre would be hard-pressed not to keep him. With Portis, Jacobs, and Kenny Watson (13) all available to him, Dre did a pretty good job of preparing his team for the post-LDT era.
Juse - traded 1st-round albatross Reggie Bush away last season for two keepable players, Plaxico Burress (4) and Julius Jones (6), who now finds himself the starter in Seattle without the touchdown-poaching presence of Marion Barber. Of his own draft picks, Roy Williams seems like an unlikely reach in the 2nd round, but Brandon Marshall almost certainly out-values his 8th-round spot -- provided Justin is willing to go through at least the first two games of the season without his services.
Marcus Brody - once got lost in his own museum, but that didn't stop him from building a solid potential running back corps with Marshawn Lynch (2) and Marion Barber (7). This combo would also give Chalski arguably the toughest team in the league, as I have personally witnessed both of these guys literally punch defenders in the face to get into the end zone. If Chalski wants to get a little fancier, however, he could also exercise a 7th-round on option on smiley faggot playboy Tony Romo. [Update: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHALSKI! YOU OLD FUCK!]
God Shammgod - has won the league two years running on the wide back of Steven Jackson (1), and despite Jax's holdout, this year will probably be no different. Reggie Wayne (1) was another significant piece of those two championships, so his services would be welcome again, but as a receiver it'll be hard to beat the value of Wes Welker all the way down in the 13th round. The loss of team talisman and Hall of Fame Hot-Cock Willis McGahee will hurt, but if Sovic is looking for sentimental favorites, he need look no further than the 10th round for detired Southern fucktard Brett Favre [Update: Brett Favre is a Jet. Holy shit, that's weird].
Spence-Frogg - had a seemingly unstoppable running back combo going into last year with Joseph Addai (1) and Frank Gore (2), but somehow the fantasy gods seemed to conspire against him. Still, Jones(!) will have a hard time resisting the temptation to go with these two again, unless he feels really bullish on Torry Holt (1), Anquan Boldin (3), or Calvin Johnson (6).
William K. Shoot - fancies himself in wonderful position with Adrian Peterson, who some are touting at the #1 spot, available in the second round and Braylon Edwards, one of this year's top wide receivers, available in the 5th. Then again, Will declared himself a "genius" mid-way through the 2007 season and then proceeded to get bumped in the first round of the playoffs, so he probably doesn't have the first shit of an idea what he's talking about. Should he second-guess his genius instincts, he might think about keeping Greg Jennings in the 9th.
Hopefully this has given you a good idea of where you and the other owners stand heading into this season, and reminded you of all the horrible, horrible mistakes you made last year when you were drafting, trading, picking up free agents, and just generally fucking up the awful bunch of losers you call a team. In a week and a half you'll all announce your keepers for real, and we'll have an idea of the nucleus of your team that's going to lose to me, again, in 2008.
Your attempts to contend bore me. Good day.
Bardois - lacks the franchise player that we all expected Larry Johnson (2nd round) to be a year or two ago, but still has plenty of options for supporting talent, including the afore-mentioned Mr. Johnson, Thomas Jones (2) and the finally-starting Michael Turner (8) all options at the running back spot. If he follows the pervasive fantasy expert wisdom these days and moves away from the traditional supremacy of rushers, he could lean towards Andre Johnson (3) or Santonio Holmes (6).
Hollywood Meyers - used last year's 1st-round pick on Travis Henry, who is currently unemployed (which must make it hard to buy weed and pay child support -- and i presume that's the order of priority for him), and has another of last year's over-hyped running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew, available in the 2nd. Beyond that, Ben Roethlisberger looks like the only solid keeper option, though his value does look good all the way down in round 9.
Chester McNester - a few of Chuck's big guns (Shaun Alexander and Marvin Harrison) have gone defunct in the off-season, but his engine of Tom Brady and Randy Moss (1 and 5, respectively) still looks awfully appealing. If Chuck thinks the 1st round is too high for Brady or if he doesn't feel he can trust Moss for another year, Jason Witten (9) certainly made a strong case for himself last year as the top tight end in the league.
Sussenfrank - takes over a team from Cody that may have been abandoned for its suckiness as much as for any sort of financial or time commitment reasons. Souts is welcomed back to the league with a trio of 1st-round options that includes the jobless Cedric Benson, the suspended Steve Smith, and the touchdown-less Willie Parker. Jamal Lewis, however, was a pleasant surprise in the 6th for Cody last year, and may prove to be a good value for Souts this season; and if David Garrard can continue his success from the second half of last year, he's certainly worth a 12th-round selection.
Inspecta Dekk - does not find himself with a wealth of options, but the ones he does have -- T.O. in the 3rd and Brian Westbrook in the 4th -- look strong. If he fears for Westbrook's physical health or Owens' mental health, he may find himself wondering if Ronnie Brown (1) can repeat his brief but outstanding performance last year (before his legs exploded).
Dick - will finally be forced to loose his vice-like grip on Edgerrin James this year, a boon to anyway in the league in search of a washed-up runner in a lousy running offense, but his draw as the 1st pick in the draft secures him the services of LDT. In support of Tomlinson, we could see Fred Taylor (6) as a reasonable, if aging, RB-2 or Chris Cooley (7) in the tight end spot.
Dr. Dre - has two Super Bowl winners amongst his possible keepers, and either would probably represent a good value with Brandon Jacobs in the 7th or Eli Manning in the 9th. Our collective fears of a Portis-Betts time-share dropped Sheriff Gonna-Gitcha to the 2nd round last year, but as an almost definite 1st-round selection this year, Andre would be hard-pressed not to keep him. With Portis, Jacobs, and Kenny Watson (13) all available to him, Dre did a pretty good job of preparing his team for the post-LDT era.
Juse - traded 1st-round albatross Reggie Bush away last season for two keepable players, Plaxico Burress (4) and Julius Jones (6), who now finds himself the starter in Seattle without the touchdown-poaching presence of Marion Barber. Of his own draft picks, Roy Williams seems like an unlikely reach in the 2nd round, but Brandon Marshall almost certainly out-values his 8th-round spot -- provided Justin is willing to go through at least the first two games of the season without his services.
Marcus Brody - once got lost in his own museum, but that didn't stop him from building a solid potential running back corps with Marshawn Lynch (2) and Marion Barber (7). This combo would also give Chalski arguably the toughest team in the league, as I have personally witnessed both of these guys literally punch defenders in the face to get into the end zone. If Chalski wants to get a little fancier, however, he could also exercise a 7th-round on option on smiley faggot playboy Tony Romo. [Update: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHALSKI! YOU OLD FUCK!]
God Shammgod - has won the league two years running on the wide back of Steven Jackson (1), and despite Jax's holdout, this year will probably be no different. Reggie Wayne (1) was another significant piece of those two championships, so his services would be welcome again, but as a receiver it'll be hard to beat the value of Wes Welker all the way down in the 13th round. The loss of team talisman and Hall of Fame Hot-Cock Willis McGahee will hurt, but if Sovic is looking for sentimental favorites, he need look no further than the 10th round for detired Southern fucktard Brett Favre [Update: Brett Favre is a Jet. Holy shit, that's weird].
Spence-Frogg - had a seemingly unstoppable running back combo going into last year with Joseph Addai (1) and Frank Gore (2), but somehow the fantasy gods seemed to conspire against him. Still, Jones(!) will have a hard time resisting the temptation to go with these two again, unless he feels really bullish on Torry Holt (1), Anquan Boldin (3), or Calvin Johnson (6).
William K. Shoot - fancies himself in wonderful position with Adrian Peterson, who some are touting at the #1 spot, available in the second round and Braylon Edwards, one of this year's top wide receivers, available in the 5th. Then again, Will declared himself a "genius" mid-way through the 2007 season and then proceeded to get bumped in the first round of the playoffs, so he probably doesn't have the first shit of an idea what he's talking about. Should he second-guess his genius instincts, he might think about keeping Greg Jennings in the 9th.
Hopefully this has given you a good idea of where you and the other owners stand heading into this season, and reminded you of all the horrible, horrible mistakes you made last year when you were drafting, trading, picking up free agents, and just generally fucking up the awful bunch of losers you call a team. In a week and a half you'll all announce your keepers for real, and we'll have an idea of the nucleus of your team that's going to lose to me, again, in 2008.
Your attempts to contend bore me. Good day.
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