As our draft order has been announced and the keeper declaration deadline nears, it's time for my annual assessment of each team's options. Some of us have difficult decisions ahead of us, with a number of players available who would give us value at their draft spots. Still others (Billy) stare at a bare cabinet, bereft of talent. Either way, it's good to try and get an idea of what these other fuckers might be up to. To that end:
Bardois - lacks the franchise player that we all expected Larry Johnson (2nd round) to be a year or two ago, but still has plenty of options for supporting talent, including the afore-mentioned Mr. Johnson, Thomas Jones (2) and the finally-starting Michael Turner (8) all options at the running back spot. If he follows the pervasive fantasy expert wisdom these days and moves away from the traditional supremacy of rushers, he could lean towards Andre Johnson (3) or Santonio Holmes (6).
Hollywood Meyers - used last year's 1st-round pick on Travis Henry, who is currently unemployed (which must make it hard to buy weed and pay child support -- and i presume that's the order of priority for him), and has another of last year's over-hyped running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew, available in the 2nd. Beyond that, Ben Roethlisberger looks like the only solid keeper option, though his value does look good all the way down in round 9.
Chester McNester - a few of Chuck's big guns (Shaun Alexander and Marvin Harrison) have gone defunct in the off-season, but his engine of Tom Brady and Randy Moss (1 and 5, respectively) still looks awfully appealing. If Chuck thinks the 1st round is too high for Brady or if he doesn't feel he can trust Moss for another year, Jason Witten (9) certainly made a strong case for himself last year as the top tight end in the league.
Sussenfrank - takes over a team from Cody that may have been abandoned for its suckiness as much as for any sort of financial or time commitment reasons. Souts is welcomed back to the league with a trio of 1st-round options that includes the jobless Cedric Benson, the suspended Steve Smith, and the touchdown-less Willie Parker. Jamal Lewis, however, was a pleasant surprise in the 6th for Cody last year, and may prove to be a good value for Souts this season; and if David Garrard can continue his success from the second half of last year, he's certainly worth a 12th-round selection.
Inspecta Dekk - does not find himself with a wealth of options, but the ones he does have -- T.O. in the 3rd and Brian Westbrook in the 4th -- look strong. If he fears for Westbrook's physical health or Owens' mental health, he may find himself wondering if Ronnie Brown (1) can repeat his brief but outstanding performance last year (before his legs exploded).
Dick - will finally be forced to loose his vice-like grip on Edgerrin James this year, a boon to anyway in the league in search of a washed-up runner in a lousy running offense, but his draw as the 1st pick in the draft secures him the services of LDT. In support of Tomlinson, we could see Fred Taylor (6) as a reasonable, if aging, RB-2 or Chris Cooley (7) in the tight end spot.
Dr. Dre - has two Super Bowl winners amongst his possible keepers, and either would probably represent a good value with Brandon Jacobs in the 7th or Eli Manning in the 9th. Our collective fears of a Portis-Betts time-share dropped Sheriff Gonna-Gitcha to the 2nd round last year, but as an almost definite 1st-round selection this year, Andre would be hard-pressed not to keep him. With Portis, Jacobs, and Kenny Watson (13) all available to him, Dre did a pretty good job of preparing his team for the post-LDT era.
Juse - traded 1st-round albatross Reggie Bush away last season for two keepable players, Plaxico Burress (4) and Julius Jones (6), who now finds himself the starter in Seattle without the touchdown-poaching presence of Marion Barber. Of his own draft picks, Roy Williams seems like an unlikely reach in the 2nd round, but Brandon Marshall almost certainly out-values his 8th-round spot -- provided Justin is willing to go through at least the first two games of the season without his services.
Marcus Brody - once got lost in his own museum, but that didn't stop him from building a solid potential running back corps with Marshawn Lynch (2) and Marion Barber (7). This combo would also give Chalski arguably the toughest team in the league, as I have personally witnessed both of these guys literally punch defenders in the face to get into the end zone. If Chalski wants to get a little fancier, however, he could also exercise a 7th-round on option on smiley faggot playboy Tony Romo. [Update: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHALSKI! YOU OLD FUCK!]
God Shammgod - has won the league two years running on the wide back of Steven Jackson (1), and despite Jax's holdout, this year will probably be no different. Reggie Wayne (1) was another significant piece of those two championships, so his services would be welcome again, but as a receiver it'll be hard to beat the value of Wes Welker all the way down in the 13th round. The loss of team talisman and Hall of Fame Hot-Cock Willis McGahee will hurt, but if Sovic is looking for sentimental favorites, he need look no further than the 10th round for detired Southern fucktard Brett Favre [Update: Brett Favre is a Jet. Holy shit, that's weird].
Spence-Frogg - had a seemingly unstoppable running back combo going into last year with Joseph Addai (1) and Frank Gore (2), but somehow the fantasy gods seemed to conspire against him. Still, Jones(!) will have a hard time resisting the temptation to go with these two again, unless he feels really bullish on Torry Holt (1), Anquan Boldin (3), or Calvin Johnson (6).
William K. Shoot - fancies himself in wonderful position with Adrian Peterson, who some are touting at the #1 spot, available in the second round and Braylon Edwards, one of this year's top wide receivers, available in the 5th. Then again, Will declared himself a "genius" mid-way through the 2007 season and then proceeded to get bumped in the first round of the playoffs, so he probably doesn't have the first shit of an idea what he's talking about. Should he second-guess his genius instincts, he might think about keeping Greg Jennings in the 9th.
Hopefully this has given you a good idea of where you and the other owners stand heading into this season, and reminded you of all the horrible, horrible mistakes you made last year when you were drafting, trading, picking up free agents, and just generally fucking up the awful bunch of losers you call a team. In a week and a half you'll all announce your keepers for real, and we'll have an idea of the nucleus of your team that's going to lose to me, again, in 2008.
Your attempts to contend bore me. Good day.
Bardois - lacks the franchise player that we all expected Larry Johnson (2nd round) to be a year or two ago, but still has plenty of options for supporting talent, including the afore-mentioned Mr. Johnson, Thomas Jones (2) and the finally-starting Michael Turner (8) all options at the running back spot. If he follows the pervasive fantasy expert wisdom these days and moves away from the traditional supremacy of rushers, he could lean towards Andre Johnson (3) or Santonio Holmes (6).
Hollywood Meyers - used last year's 1st-round pick on Travis Henry, who is currently unemployed (which must make it hard to buy weed and pay child support -- and i presume that's the order of priority for him), and has another of last year's over-hyped running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew, available in the 2nd. Beyond that, Ben Roethlisberger looks like the only solid keeper option, though his value does look good all the way down in round 9.
Chester McNester - a few of Chuck's big guns (Shaun Alexander and Marvin Harrison) have gone defunct in the off-season, but his engine of Tom Brady and Randy Moss (1 and 5, respectively) still looks awfully appealing. If Chuck thinks the 1st round is too high for Brady or if he doesn't feel he can trust Moss for another year, Jason Witten (9) certainly made a strong case for himself last year as the top tight end in the league.
Sussenfrank - takes over a team from Cody that may have been abandoned for its suckiness as much as for any sort of financial or time commitment reasons. Souts is welcomed back to the league with a trio of 1st-round options that includes the jobless Cedric Benson, the suspended Steve Smith, and the touchdown-less Willie Parker. Jamal Lewis, however, was a pleasant surprise in the 6th for Cody last year, and may prove to be a good value for Souts this season; and if David Garrard can continue his success from the second half of last year, he's certainly worth a 12th-round selection.
Inspecta Dekk - does not find himself with a wealth of options, but the ones he does have -- T.O. in the 3rd and Brian Westbrook in the 4th -- look strong. If he fears for Westbrook's physical health or Owens' mental health, he may find himself wondering if Ronnie Brown (1) can repeat his brief but outstanding performance last year (before his legs exploded).
Dick - will finally be forced to loose his vice-like grip on Edgerrin James this year, a boon to anyway in the league in search of a washed-up runner in a lousy running offense, but his draw as the 1st pick in the draft secures him the services of LDT. In support of Tomlinson, we could see Fred Taylor (6) as a reasonable, if aging, RB-2 or Chris Cooley (7) in the tight end spot.
Dr. Dre - has two Super Bowl winners amongst his possible keepers, and either would probably represent a good value with Brandon Jacobs in the 7th or Eli Manning in the 9th. Our collective fears of a Portis-Betts time-share dropped Sheriff Gonna-Gitcha to the 2nd round last year, but as an almost definite 1st-round selection this year, Andre would be hard-pressed not to keep him. With Portis, Jacobs, and Kenny Watson (13) all available to him, Dre did a pretty good job of preparing his team for the post-LDT era.
Juse - traded 1st-round albatross Reggie Bush away last season for two keepable players, Plaxico Burress (4) and Julius Jones (6), who now finds himself the starter in Seattle without the touchdown-poaching presence of Marion Barber. Of his own draft picks, Roy Williams seems like an unlikely reach in the 2nd round, but Brandon Marshall almost certainly out-values his 8th-round spot -- provided Justin is willing to go through at least the first two games of the season without his services.
Marcus Brody - once got lost in his own museum, but that didn't stop him from building a solid potential running back corps with Marshawn Lynch (2) and Marion Barber (7). This combo would also give Chalski arguably the toughest team in the league, as I have personally witnessed both of these guys literally punch defenders in the face to get into the end zone. If Chalski wants to get a little fancier, however, he could also exercise a 7th-round on option on smiley faggot playboy Tony Romo. [Update: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHALSKI! YOU OLD FUCK!]
God Shammgod - has won the league two years running on the wide back of Steven Jackson (1), and despite Jax's holdout, this year will probably be no different. Reggie Wayne (1) was another significant piece of those two championships, so his services would be welcome again, but as a receiver it'll be hard to beat the value of Wes Welker all the way down in the 13th round. The loss of team talisman and Hall of Fame Hot-Cock Willis McGahee will hurt, but if Sovic is looking for sentimental favorites, he need look no further than the 10th round for detired Southern fucktard Brett Favre [Update: Brett Favre is a Jet. Holy shit, that's weird].
Spence-Frogg - had a seemingly unstoppable running back combo going into last year with Joseph Addai (1) and Frank Gore (2), but somehow the fantasy gods seemed to conspire against him. Still, Jones(!) will have a hard time resisting the temptation to go with these two again, unless he feels really bullish on Torry Holt (1), Anquan Boldin (3), or Calvin Johnson (6).
William K. Shoot - fancies himself in wonderful position with Adrian Peterson, who some are touting at the #1 spot, available in the second round and Braylon Edwards, one of this year's top wide receivers, available in the 5th. Then again, Will declared himself a "genius" mid-way through the 2007 season and then proceeded to get bumped in the first round of the playoffs, so he probably doesn't have the first shit of an idea what he's talking about. Should he second-guess his genius instincts, he might think about keeping Greg Jennings in the 9th.
Hopefully this has given you a good idea of where you and the other owners stand heading into this season, and reminded you of all the horrible, horrible mistakes you made last year when you were drafting, trading, picking up free agents, and just generally fucking up the awful bunch of losers you call a team. In a week and a half you'll all announce your keepers for real, and we'll have an idea of the nucleus of your team that's going to lose to me, again, in 2008.
Your attempts to contend bore me. Good day.
2 comments:
I was more interested in your writing when your fantasy team sucked. I feel like I'm reading Bill Simmons write about the Celtics/Patriots/Red Sox. When you start losing again, I'll start reading again...
Sovic, I'm just kidding. I love you and your witty columns. You complete me and make me want to be a bigger man.
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