BIFL - Week 5 Review B

This game is awesome. Your games? Less so, but I'll recap them anyway:


Your Stepdad (91) defeats Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (89)
You know, the Fantasy Gods may not always treat me kindly, but at least we are on good enough terms that I usually know what they're up to. Here's what I had to say on Monday afternoon, when Dekker was looking to hold an 11.5-point lead with Randy Moss against Dick's Brett Favre, Braylon Edwards, and Ryan Longwell: "ESPN projects the Iron Chef to come away with the victory, but I think the fantasy gods might have a say in a game between a guy who got fucked so royally last week and a guy who didn't even set his line-up last week." Lo and behold, I was right. After being let down so brutally by Moss in his last game as a Pat, Dekker saw his Stepdads carried to victory by a 14-point night in his first appearance back as a Viking. Of course, that meant that Brett Favre (16) had a decent night as well for Dick, but Edwards' 7 and Longwell's 2 weren't enough to get the Poon-Pounders over the hump. As far as significant performances, this might as well have been a game of NBA Jam  because each team featured two big scorers and that was it. For the Iron Chef, there was the afore-mentioned Favre and Miles Austin (27), which would give you a chucker from distance and a small-forward type who would probably get pushed around by any team starting a center or power forward. The Stepdads' duo, on the other hand, consists of Moss and Terrell Owens (21), both of whom are tall, have ups, and can fight for the ball in traffic. You know what that means: Alley-oops. In NBA Jam as in BIFL, Dekker emerges the victor.

Juse and the Argonauts (119) defeat Cow Fister (82)
On the first play of the game Monday Night, the Vikings ran an end-around where Brett Favre handed off to Percy Harvin, Harvin handed off to Randy Moss, and Moss flicked a pass downfield to Favre for a 9-yard completion, which was called back and penalized because Favre was not an eligible receiver. Allow me to take you into the head of Adrian Peterson on that play-call:
"We were supposed to be Super Bowl contenders this year. We've got one of the best defensive lines in football. We've got a great offensive line. I'm here, and even if Chris Johnson was a better fantasy running back last year, I'm really the best running back in the league. I'm fast as shit and I fucking punish people who try to tackle me. And we've got a shoo-in, first ballot Hall of Fame quarterback. This is the guy who's supposed to lead us to the promised land. Except that our top receiver got injured, and this fucker - who sucks up every ounce of attention which should be headed my way - lacks inspiration or something and can't manage to lead us to a single victory, much less the promised land. We're 1-2. And this week we sought to rectify that by bringing in another old attention-whore, Randy Moss. Fine. That's just fine. Let Favre and Moss get all the ink, and let Randy run some deep routes to open up some room behind the line for me to run in. That sounds great. Let's get to work...
Wait, we're calling what? Some cutesy-ass trick shit? To get the new guy involved, get going with some of that playground, pitch-and-catch bullshit that these guys are known for? Are you fucking kidding me? Is that even legal? Because I'm pretty sure that's not legal. GIVE ME THE FUCKING BALL. I'M LIKE A GODDAMN SLEDGEHAMMER ON ICE SKATES IN THE OPEN FIELD. WE'RE 1-2 AND WE'RE TAKING ON ANOTHER TEAM WITH SUPER BOWL ASPIRATIONS. KNOCK OUT THE CUTE SHIT AND GIVE THE BALL TO THE BEST RUNNER IN THE GAME!!!! Oh, fuck me."
Eventually, the Vikings did hand the ball to Peterson (11), but couldn't get him in the end zone, and couldn't get him nearly close to eclipsing the Argonauts' sizeable lead. That lead was generated by some great across-the-board performances on Sunday, and like Will (in Monday's Comments), I'm always pleased by a strong Argos outing. No one quite reached superstar status for Justin, but six players were in double figures: Percy Harvin (21), Cedric Benson (19), Steven Jackson (15), Steve Smith 2.0 (14), Jason Witten (14), and Kevin Kolb (13). Other than Kolb, whose 13 is pretty pedestrian for a quarterback, that is just a fantastic all-around day for the Argonauts, and a great way to break our last unbeaten team of the year. If Will had won, it would have constituted another huge "Fuck you" from Darren McFadden to Juse, since Will's high scorer was Michael Bush (21), who replaced Run-DMC after a pulled hammy. In fact, two of the Cow Fisters point-leaders were Raiders (the other being Zach Miller, 12). That is a weird thing to say about a 4-1 team.

Vatican Dragons (125) defeat I'm Fucking In (86)
Speaking of teams contending for the BIFL title, this was a match-up that I would have hyped up if I were still writing game previews (maybe later in the season). Although it was ultimately not much of a contest, there's no denying that these are two of the big boys this year. Dre now stands atop the Eastern Conference with a strong point total, and though Spence has lost two games he's still well out in front in terms of points scored. This week was not one of those record-setting scoring games for the Kenny Powers crew, however, with several IFI starters going for no (Boldin, Olsen) or nearly no (Foster) points. Hakeem Nicks remained a bright spot, but his 27 points seem almost inconsequential in the face of fantasy's best quarterback, Philip Rivers (29) and fantasy's most occasional stud, Matt Forte (34). This is Forte's second 34-point Sunday of the season, and in between he's averaged less than six points a week. I guess we'll chalk it up to the Frogg's continuing bad luck that he chose Week 5 to do it again. And even though it's only half of Forte's scoring output, I should mention that Marcedes Lewis' 17 points is no joke, either. In one of my other leagues, I noticed that Lewis was available on the waiver wire this week, except that I already had two tight ends on my roster, both of whom I'm comfortable with. He ended up going for $3. It's a pretty deep year for tight ends, I'd say.

Louwer Loudoun Tribe (78) defeats Alligator Fuckhouse (68)

You said it, Kramer. This was a hideous game. Apart from Bardey's Kyle Orton (26), and I guess Kerry Rhodes (10), who had a good day for an IDP, there was not a lot happening in this one. Doit's starting running backs combined for 6 points. Souts' starting wideouts combined for 12. Do I really need to go on? One interesting note: Souts somewhat inexplicably has three quarterbacks on his roster these days. The only way that makes sense is if you really don't have confidence in any of them and want to play the best match-up each week. Which is a fine strategy, but it kind of backfires when you play the one who scores the least of the three (Carson Palmer, 12).