Some of you may be familiar with the "Bear Fight," a bar specialty which consists of the double-bomb combination of a Car Bomb (a shot of Jameson and Irish Cream dropped in a Guinness) and a Jäger Bomb (a shot of Jägermeister dropped in a Red Bull). It is an agressive drink. It means business, and should not be messed with. And I can't really think of two friends who would more happily partake in a Bear Fight than Dekker and Billy. Their fantasy match-up this week was something of a bear fight as well, with both teams bringing power, weight, and some gnarly teeth. However, if you've ever seen "The Golden Compass," you know that the end of a bear fight can be ugly (in that one, one bear rips the other's jaw off), as it was here. The Lohmillers put up a good fight, even though some of their normal studs were a bit off the mark. Antonio Gates (25) hit double-digits for only the second time this year, but did it in a big way. Ray Rice (14) was solid. But one outstanding tight end and a decent performance from a running back aren't going to keep your bearjaw hinged, as Pet Monkey proved. While Randy Moss (8) was quiet, nearly every other Monkey stepped up this week. Aaron Rodgers (25) did what he's done all season long. Donald Driver (22) continued his year-long frustration of Greg Jennings owners. And Undead Laurence Maroney (20), ignoring the evidence of the past three years that he's a useless running back, was the only thing working in the Pats' offense Monday night. By taking out the (previously) top team in the league, Billy confirmed himself a prime post-season contender. Now all he has to do is get there. Pet Monkey has the top score total among 6-6 teams, but likely needs a win this week to ensure his spot. What'll it be, Billy? Another week as Grizzly Bear? Or will you go out like a Panda?
Ophidiophobia is the fear of snakes. It's always struck me as kind of a stupid fear. After all, most snakes are small. They have no arms and legs to grab you with. While their strike is quick, if you were to see a snake and run away, there's pretty much no chance in hell that they'd catch you. Furthermore, a snake doesn't really have any reason to attack you unless you step on it, and if you step on it near the head, you've already neutralized its attack. Really, there are only two reasons to fear snakes: 1) You're saving the Ark of the Covenant from the Nazis and find yourself in a pit full of venomous ones; 2) you're a mouse.
This week, Chuck was a snake. Joe Flacco's rattle (13) warned us of any danger. Roddy White's fangs (11) were large, but contained no poison. Jon Beason's scales (11) were dry and actually felt kind of cool, not slimy and gross as generation after generation of kids grows to mistakenly believe. There are a dozen predators in the fantasy jungle to fear more than the snake. Unless you're the mouse. Juse was the mouse. (High scorer: Zach Miller, 7. Ouch.)
I don't really have a tortured extended metaphor to build around this game and this picture, I just had to include it before I was done. And if you need a connection... well the Iron Chef certainly did take it up the ass from the Bitch Chokers this week. Things were already off to an uninspired start for Dick (high scorer: Ryan Longwell, 14) when Kurt Warner decided that his brain had just a little too much Tau to play that day. With only LaDainian Tomlinson (13) and Dallas Clark (12) joining Longwell in double-figures, there wasn't much hope for the Poon-Pounders to take down the league's new top dog (or should I say, top antelope? The dog appears to be a power bottom). Will achieved dog-fucker status thanks to yet another big week from Miles Austin (22) and Ricky Williams (17). Williams, age 32, is now the sole ball-carrier for the Dolphins. One wonders if the newfound heavy workload on his old frame will lead to a breakdown as the weeks drag on? I would hate to see Will's team make it to the BiffleBowl only to see his championship hopes derailed yet again, this time by the inevitable destruction of an aging running back. I mean... I would really hate to see that.
3 comments:
Sovic, nothing would make me happier than to win bifl...and then chat with you about it every night while we watch cluj stats turn red. 3 months of hearing me talk about my wonderful bifl team when it all came together. Oh god, that would be awesome. I'm fucking sitting in a puddle here thinking about it. Oh god. AP and Ricky: take me to the top.
1) i watched a few episodes of the league the other night. i didnt think it was nearly as bad as you made it out to be. everything related to fantasy football was not funny, but that represented a small portion of the entire show. i think i laughed out loud 1.8 times per episode on average, and smiled once or twice more.
2) what happened to our power rankings? stop making promises that you cannot fulfill. my emotions are not to be toyed with.
3) did you bring up the bear fight thing because you were aware that dekker and i actually did a bear fight on saturday, or was that just a silly coincidence?
billy:
1) i only watched the first episode, so maybe it has improved. however, 1.8 laughs in 22 minutes of scripted programming does not seem like a high figure to me.
2) fuck. they're coming.
3) sometimes, you don't really know things, but you feel them in your bones. did i know that you and dekker had just done a bear fight? no. did i even know you had been hanging out? no. but we've known each other a pretty long time, and at this point i think you could call it an educated guess.
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