BIFL - Playoffs Round 1 Review

Gee, with Donovan McNabb sipping Mai Tais in St. Barth's, Anquan Boldin working on his much-anticipated alto sax jazz fusion album ("Return of the Q"), and Chris Johnson browsing eastern North Carolina's yard sales and swap meets (a Sunday habit dating back to his college days), the bye week-laden HotCocks and I had almost forgotten that there were BIFL games last weekend. Bereft though the league must have been at our absence, I figured I'd do some write-ups anyway. Here you go:


Alligator Fuckhouse (95) defeats Pet Monkey (66)
Souts just continues to disprove the nay-sayers. First they told him "You'll never make it through the DTD pledge process, Steve; you fainted when people started yelling at you." But he perservered. Then it was "You'll never make it in the cut-throat world of Manhattan commercial real estate, Steve; they'll see right through your shit-eatinggrin and ass-kissing ways." But his grin ate more shit than anyone could have expected and his lips actually caught hemorrhoids - heretofore thought impossible - from kissing ass so well. Then, when he announced his intentions to run in the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, they told him "You're too small, Souts. You're not fast enough, Souts. Give up your foolish dreams, Steve." But again, he proved them wrong.* And then, in last week's Playoff Power Rankings, I put Steve at the bottom of the list and his week one opponent, Billy, at #2. Once again, Souts proved us all wrong. Although, let's be honest, he didn't do anything fantastic. It was more that Pet Monkey made me look really, really dumb for ranking him so highly. Billy's team was abysmal this week, taking all the momentum they had built up over the second half of the season and flying right off a cliff with it. Aaron Rodgers had not been below 20 points since Week 2. He was as much of a lock for solid fantasy output as anyone in the league. And he posted seven points. Naturally, his receiving target Donald Driver (2) suffered as well. Opposite him in the Monkey formation? The much-maligned Randy Moss (0), who supposedly took the week off. Those three guys, Julius Peppers (0), and David Akers (6) all had their worst weeks of the season in Week 14. Not a good way to go into the playoffs. Meanwhile, Alligator Fuckhouse may not have been spectacular, but they were certainly good, especially Thomas Jones (21). I've been declaring TJ "done" for two years already, and he's now the 5th-best running back in fantasy for 2009. I will surely do the same thing next year and the year after that. At some point, I'll be right, but until then I'll just keep looking like an idiot. The Fuckhouse also got help in Round 1 from Wes Welker (12), picking up the slack left by Moss, and another outstanding IDP performance. This week's AF IDP superstar was Keith Bulluck (12), who scored more than all but one Pet Monkey player (Derrick Mason, 17). Yikes.

Bardois Bourgeoisie (135) defeats Merriman's Bitch Chokers (118)
Ideally, this write-up would just be a compendium of Will's comments on last week's Lassard post, his texts to me and Bardey during the games on Sunday, and a transcript of whatever he mumbled as he cried into Katie's arms on Sunday night. But I promised to lay off because he has apologized profusely for his sniveling, so I will try to give as objective an assessment of this game as possible. First: the Bitch Chokers played well. Their 118 points would have beaten either of the other teams playing meaningful football in Week 14, and would have beaten me if I'd been playing. Adrian Peterson (25), Peyton Manning (18), Ricky Williams (16), Miles Austin (13), and Brent Celek (12) were all as good as they should have been. They just weren't good enough to beat the best week of Bardey's otherwise unremarkable season. And it sucks, but that's the way the fantastical cookie crumbles. Let's look at this amazing outburst from the Bourgeoisie: Brett Favre (9) was nothing special, and Kevin Smith (7) managed to knock himself out for the season. But Bardey's stud receivers turned into supermegastud receivers, with Brandon Marshall and Andre Johnson combining for 72 points. That alone would have beaten Billy. I'm tempted to look back through the annals to see if any BIFL receiver combo has ever combined for that many points, but it would take a really long time and I'm fairly confident that it's never happened, so I'm gonna go ahead and declare it a record. Still, that 72 wouldn't have been enough on its own to take out Shoaf. Another stud was needed, and he came in most unlikely form.

This guy plays for my team, and I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever seen his face. His name is Quinton Ganther, and he turned 50 rushing yards and two touchdowns into a bucking-the-odds victory for the Bourgeoisie. As recently as November 11th, this guy was not on an NFL roster. Amazing. And if Will is looking for a new decoration for, say, his dart board, trash can liner, or urinal cake, I recommend the above picture. Meanwhile, Bardey will be unwrapping a QG Fathead™ from me this Christmas morn.

*Note: that might have been Steve Prefontaine.