BIFL - Week 4 Review A

"I make a living in the movies, but for the past 20 years, I've also been a cop. And along with some of the finest officers on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. My name is Steven Seagal. That's right, Steven Seagal, Deputy Sherriff."

If you're not watching this show on A&E, I honestly don't know what you could be doing with your time that makes life worth living. The same man who broke a thousand arms backward in a hundred movies that featured the "BN" tag for brief nudity in their HBO intros is now the star of his own reality show, detailing his exploits as a Louisiana cop. We also get to see him practice his samurai swordsmanship, front a blues band, and totally change his diction and accent when dealing with black perps/complainants (note: this would be even funnier if it weren't tinged with the awareness that I also speak totally differently to black people - mostly cab drivers - when I'm drunk, referring to them repeatedly as "brother").

Anyways, if you get a chance, check out 'Steven Seagal: Lawman;' it's the perfect accompaniment to some fantasy football game re-caps.

NBD - Week 4 Review A

I'm watching "Inside the NFL" on Showtime right now and they've got Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood mic'd up. He seems like a really fun-loving guy, making jokes and cracks on the sidelines, calling Josh Scobee (who hit an awesome game-winning 59-yard field goal) "Scobee Bryant." Lots of fun. Somehow, though, the mics never caught him talking about this little incident, as reported in Sports Illustrated this week:
Escaped With minimal injuries after being pistol-whipped, Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood. According to Jacksonville police, Osgood, 30, was watching TV at the home of 19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader Mackenzie Putnal on Sept. 27 when the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head and struck Osgood and Putnal, as well as her dog, before Osgood jumped out a second-floor window. Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder, who eventually fled. Bartletto was later arrested and was being held without bail while facing charges of aggravated battery, false imprisonment, armed robbery and burglary.
There is just way too much to be amazed by in this story. First of all: "19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader." 19! Kassim Osgood is a few months older than me, which is to say 30, which makes this more than a little creepy. I Googled Ms. Putnal and the first thing that came up was her alma mater, Sandalwood High School, from which she graduated in 2009. Wow. Then again, Osgood and Putnal were just "watching TV," so I'm sure there was nothing untoward happening.
Next: "the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head..." Plastic bag? Is he into auto-erotic asphyxiation?
And then: "Osgood jumped out a second-floor window." Kind of sounds like Osgood pulled a Costanza and shoved the teenager and the dog aside to save himself, no?

By the way, I'm pretty sure Eric the Clown in that episode is played by Jon Favreau.
Finally: "Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder..." Holy fuck are you kidding me? My dad was a cop for like 100 years and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any stories as good as trading gunfire with a 19-year-old cheerleader who's using a laser-sighted pistol. This is incredible. If I wasn't so heavily invested in Dexter McCluster breaking out this year to justify the McClusterfuck franchise, I would 100% pick up Osgood and name my team the Laser-Sighted Jailbaits. I don't see how any of our fantasy match-ups can live up to the excitement of this story, but until ESPN does a dramatic re-enactment as part of their "60 for 60" celebration in 2040, we'll have to make do.
(After the jump)

BIFL - Week 3 Review

Here's the good news: after over a year of un-, under-, and semi-employment, a forced exile from my beloved Brooklyn, and a stretch of living with my parents at age 30, I am finally back in New York and back at work. Though working for the US Census, taking care of my nephews, and expediting at Danny Lee's restaurant in DC were all fun, teaching obnoxious urban kids is what I'm meant to do and now I'm back at it.
Here's the bad news: you don't really give a shit about any of that; you just want your weekly fantasy game re-capped in a witty, clever, overly verbose fashion. And due to the circumstances listed above in "the good news," my life has been super-crazy lately and I haven't been able to devote any time to Lassard. Well, it's sucked for both of us, but I feel like I'm ready to dive back in. Let's get started:

NBD - Week 3 Review

Hey! Did the fantasy football season start? I totally hadn't noticed. It's been like 90 degrees up here in NYC and presumably even hotter in the various Southern climes where you all reside, so I figured I still had a while before I needed to resume my Lassardian duties. Imagine my surprise when I booted up the ol' league site and found that we were already three weeks in with the McClusterfucks sitting pretty at 2-1 (albeit with a paltry point total). I thought about going back and re-constructing some draft criticism and Reviews for Weeks 1 and 2, but then I remembered that I (finally) have a job this season and I don't really have time to go cruising down memory lane in remembrance of games that are already well in our collective rearview mirrors. I do, however, have a few spare hours this Thursday evening to look back at the Week 3 games, and will hopefully be able to do so again for the rest of the season. Without further ado, the first Lassard post of the 2010 fantasy season:

Patience

It's coming. I promise. All you need is just...

Jokes and jokes and jokes

I found this legitimately quite funny:

NBD 2010 - Keeper Possibilities

I was sitting around today watching the World Cup or the U.S. Open or some other such summer sport nonsense when an ad for the Hall of Fame Game (August 8th) unexpectedly popped up. I nearly crapped myself. Amidst all the hooplah over the draft and then Albert Haynesworth's ridiculous trade demands, I'd forgotten that at some point in the not-too-distant future, football players will actually take the field and play actual football games. And with those games will come fantasy. With this realization upon me, I knew I had to do something, but that Hall of Fame Game is still 48 days away, with the regular season even more removed. There wasn't that much I could do, really, except...
publish the list of possible NBD Keepers for this season, despues de saltar.