BIFL - Week 8 Review B & Paper Playoffs

It's getting to (or perhaps past) that time of the season when I usually provide some kind of power rankings or statistical breakdowns or something. This season, I've decided to give my prognostication skills a little workout, so taking a cue from the Shutdown Corner blog, which features a weekly "Absurdly Premature Playoff Picture" post, I figured I'd construct my own paper playoffs for BIFL.
What was my process, you ask? Pshaw, it was nothing. But okay if you insist I'll explain: First I calculated a sort of power ranking for each team by simply adding up the scoring averages of its best QB, 2 RBs, 3 WRs, and TE (I also slightly factored in bench strength and other factors like injuries, but for the most part just pure math). I then projected the remaining record for each team, giving them a win for every team they played with a lower power ranking and a loss for every team they played with a higher ranking. Then I looked at how the projected final standings worked out, went through the playoff match-ups using the power rankings again, and predicted winners. Voila! After the jump, the exciting results...


Playoff Seeds:
#1: I'm Fucking In (Eastern Division Champs)
#2: Cow Fisters (Western Division Champs)
#3: Kurt Beran
#4: Ass-Ramming HotCocks
#5: Your Stepdad
#6: Vatican Dragons

First Round:
HotCocks vs. Stepdad
Dekker finally gets his revenge for years of fantasy inferiority to Soviche, as the HotCocks' quarterback revolving door and injury-prone receiving corps lets him down. Having developed a fantastic rapport with Rex Grossman, new Redskin Randy Moss leads the Stepdads to victory, along with whoever's playing best from Dekker's amazingly deep RB group.

Kurt Beran vs. Vatican Dragons
Matt Forte's up-and-down season hits another down, and with no support from the RB2 position, Andre's solid receivers are left stranded. Beran's Roddy White and Philip Rivers continue their dominant seasons and extend the winning streak that brought Chuck screaming into the playoffs.

Second Round:
I'm Fucking In vs. Your Stepdad
TO inexplicably has another outstanding week, but it's not enough to overcome an IFI squad that is stacked at receiver and features fantasy's top running back in Arian Foster. Drew Brees scores less than you think he should, but more than most other quarterbacks, just like every other week this season.

Cow Fister vs. Kurt Beran
Either Peyton Manning or Adrian Peterson has a sub-par game, and with the rest of his squad merely average, Will watches a team that led its Division from wire to wire fall in their first playoff game. K-Ber's leading scorer is a quarterback who is not currently on any of our rosters.

BIFL Bowl
I'm Fucking In vs. Kurt Beran
The Fantasy Gods finally repay the years of horrible luck they've heaped upon Spencer, who are appropriately led in scoring by Antonio Gates (33), capping off the single most dominating season ever by one fantasy player over the rest of his position. Beran puts up a valiant effort, but by this point LaDainian Tomlinson's femurs have been pulverized, and the wily veteran crumbles in the first quarter, leaving Chuck with 1 point from the RB1 position. Paper Congratulations to you, Spence Frogg!

It seems kind of anti-climactic to go back and look at Week 8 games now that we know who's winning the whole thing and exactly how it's happening, but I suppose it makes sense to at least see how last night's Menomenas worked out:

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (111) defeat Kurt Beran (107)
A seemingly absent Mario Williams (1) delivered far less than the needed five that would have led the Phonarchs to a come-from-behind victory. This was a battle of quarterbacks scoring far more than they had any business doing, with Chuck's David Garrard (32) leading the way, followed closely by Matt Stafford (24); I even had Josh Freeman (19) on my bench. I wouldn't be shocked if those totals represent the high point for all three this season. K-Ber also had a strong game out of Brandon Lloyd (25), who apparently only needed a 10-hour flight and some bangers and mash to get himself back on track after a two-game schneid.  Frank Gore (19) also had a nice day on the other side of the pond, but neither was good enough to secure a win for Chester McNester. The big stories for the victors were two mid-season pick-ups, Kenny Britt and LeGarrette Blount. Britt, of course, was last week's breakout hero with 47 points, but just as quickly as I thought I'd found my franchise's next great receiver, he went down in the first quarter with a hamstring injury that may have him out for the rest of the season. Stepping right in to take his place as HotCock savior, however, was Blount. I picked this guy up for $1 and stashed him back in early October, as soon as the rumors began stirring that he was in for more playing time. It took a couple weeks, but when I finally felt he was ready for the start, he delivered. Was this an amazing act of fantasy prescience on my part? Not really. I simply acted on the axiom that thuggish, angry young black men who punch opponents on the field and still get drafted are probably pretty good athletes. This week, every week.
Props also to 2010 Larry Fitzgerald for dressing up for Halloween as 2005-2009 Larry Fitzgerald. I know, I know, it's not his fault he's sucking this season, it's because of his quarterbacks. But while "It's not your fault" may unlock Good Will Hunting's inner demons, it doesn't put any points on my fantasy scoreboard.

Juse and the Argonauts (99) defeat Vatican Dragons (97)
Dre really should have taken my advice. Had he plugged in a DL for Justin Tuck just before last night's game, he might have gotten the Dragons the three points they needed to take this one. Alas, Reggie Wayne posted a mere nine, which kept the Argonauts on top. If you've read this shit with any regularity for the past few years, you know I love multiple, even scoring contributions, and the Argonauts effort this week was like WikiFantasy. No one was outstanding, but Ryan Fitzpatrick, Darren McFadden, Marques Colston, Percy Harvin, and Jason Witten were all between 13 and 16 points. Also, with the exception of Fitzpatrick, all their last names end in N. Holy shit, I just checked and Justin also has Steven Jackson, James Harrison, Jared Allen, Jason Hanson, and Cedric Benson. I think I just discovered the secret to Justin's success this year. Is the final N the new fancy ƒ?