BIFL - Week 12 Preview

Oh, were some of you disappointed not to get a drunk posting last week? Well, I've got news for you. It's Saturday night. It's 2am. And I'm ready to make some predictions, motherfuckers. You can take a wild guess as to my state of inebriation. Get ready to get appointed! Let's get this shit started!

Chip Lohmiller (6-5) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (3-8)
Juse has already got 3.5 points in this game thanks to LaMarr Woodley. That's LaMarr, L-a-capital M-a-r-r. One r wasn't enough for those parents to make sure it wasn't La-Mah. Anyways, Lohmiller has been eating multiple dicks lately because his whole team is Brian Westbrook and Brian Westbrook hasn't been doing shit. This week, Westbrook is taking on Baltimore, so even if he was ready to stop being a shitbag, Bart Scott probably wouldn't let him. Maurice Jones-Drew is taking on Minnesota, and all the fantasy experts always insist that you can't run on them and they're a crazy awesome run defense, even though they don't seem to actually be a decent football team in any way when you watch them on television. So anyway the point is that Lohmiller should suck, but you also have to keep in mind that he's playing Juse, who has put together an incredibly horrible fantasy football team for an unprecedented 12th year in a row. What?! I'm not supposed to say it, just because he's our former commish?!? I'm tired of Juse's teams sucking. I especially am tired of it because I drafted this year's team. And my team is awesome, and I've won the league the last two years, so clearly I don't suck at drafting. But drafting a team for Juse is like Clinton building up a robust, productive economy just for it to be taken over by a bunch of bumbling idiots who will, in eight years, drive it into the ground. Good god, am I still on the same paragraph I started half an hour ago? fuck that.
Lohmiller by 5

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (6-4-1) vs. Manatee Eaters (7-4-0)
First time through I typed "pouncing poon," which to be honest is a much cooler name. Anyways... If you look at the record of these two teams, this looks like a great match-up. But honestly, these two teams suck. My hatred of the Manatee Eaters is well-chronicled on this blog, but perhaps I've never explained: any success this team has had has been based on fluke Wildcat plays for Ronnie Brown, random huge plays for Steve Slaton, and the standard 3-game streak every season where Bernard Berrian pretends to be a legitimate NFL receiver. But that shit doesn't keep happening in the NFL, and Chuck's team is the living proof. Meanwhile, Dick's team is full of guys who I'll never ever have on my fantasy squad just because I think they're assholes. Steve Smith? Asshole. Eli Manning? Douchebag. DeAngelo Williams? Dipshit. Fuck Dick's team. They'll probably win though.
Poon by 4

Pet Monkey (4-7) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (6-5)
I've got a head start on this one, considering that Willie Parker, who you'd hope would have a solid performance, has given Billy only three points. That puts Billy at a distinct disadvantage, even though I hate Will's team so much that it hurts. I want Billy to win this game so badly that I'm gonna pick him despite not actually thinking that it's gonna happen.
[I'll be honest with you guys. I haven't typed a sentence correctly in about 15 minutes. There's a lot of self-editing going on here, and I'm struggling. But I'm gonna push onward and try to complete this post.]
One thing I'm really interested in in this game is to see what Larry Johnson does. Dude is on a precipice right now. I kind of feel like he's either going to go for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns in this game, or 4 yards and no touchdowns and a lifetime of pain and resentment. Like based on the next two weeks this guy is either gonna be on the cover of every fantasy mag next year or the cover of every tabloid mag next month. Just way unstable. And he paints!! Did you see Hard Knocks last year?!? Dude paints!
Pet Monkey by 1

FUBAR (7-3-1) vs. Santonio's Blunts (4-7)
Oh snap! Did you guys see this?
Jonathan Bardey (Nov 22 12:22 AM): you're the fucking 2nd lowest scoring team in the league yet in position to make the playoffs. i'm gonna change that for you this week.
Straight calling out the Frogg! JB has faced the reality that he's done across the board in fantasy football this year and he is resentful! He's got a point, I guess, but Spence does have Drew Brees, Frank Gore, and Calvin Johnson, and those guy have been enough this season to keep any mediocre team afloat. Then again, Bardey's guys are playing the shittiest of defenses this week, including such luminaries as St. Louis, New Orleans, and Cleveland. And also a Bardey victory plus my own victory helps out my playoff position. So yeah! We're gonna change that for you this week, Spence!
Blunts by 8

Alligator Fuckhouse (4-7) vs. Egon Spengler (7-4)
Souts has already failed to take Chad Johnson out of his line-up despite his non-play on Thursday, so his already-woeful team is already off to a bad start. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna beat up on him, and I'm also pretty sure that I got home, drunk, 40 minutes ago and I'm ready to sleep. So let's move on.
Spengler by 10

Cholish Chachfaces (5-6) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (6-5)
I think this is maybe the most important match-up, playoff-wise, of the week. It's a shame I can barely keep my eyes open to write a preview of it. Oh fuck I'm passing out. Sorry guys.
Sky Vault by 5

Last week: 2-4
Overall: 41-25