BIFL - Week 11 Review

Ugh. Another week where I had hoped to do an extensive write-up and just got swamped with shit, including parent-teacher conferences, birthday celebrations, and the impending (3 hrs from now) first round of the NY Co-Ed Friday Night Soccer League playoffs. This will almost certainly be the end of Bacon United's season, and it could not come soon enough. So anyways, review will be abridged this week, and hopefully I'll find some time during the day on Saturday to write at some length about the playoff situation.

Also wanted to note that the UVA alum magazine I got today featured a birth announcement for Jay Gyuricza and a wedding announcement for Kevin Hudak. With all these Delts settling down, can it be long before my jar of Jergens 24-Hour Moisture finally pops the question after a seemingly endless courtship? I did see a Kay Jewelers bag in the trash the other day, but I'm not holding my breath. [Honey, if you're reading this, a Christmas engagement would be fabulous!]

Here's Week 11:
Alligator Fuckhouse 60.5, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 82
I really thought Souts was gonna keep up his recent string of 100+ outings and march into the playoffs, but that dream pretty much died this week with only one Fuckhouser in double-digits (the recently beastly Thomas Jones, 19). The Jusers weren't exactly a house on fire this week either, but former Spenglerian Dwayne Bowe matched TJ point-for-point, and the rest of the squad was just enough better to take this one.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 72, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 75
As predicted, this game sucked; and as predicted, Will's was the suckier team in it. Has anyone else noticed that the Poon-Pounders' DeAngelo Williams has been going insane for the past 6 weeks? He did it again in Week 11 (28 pts), continuing to overshadow LaDainian Tomlinson, although his 15 was certainly useful in this game.

Santonio's Blunts 85, Egon Spengler 118.5
This was great. Over in the other league, I'm making an unlikely late charge to sneak into the playoffs after starting the season 0-4. Three of the players leading that charge have been Andre Johnson, Ryan Grant, and Matt Forte, which is basically the nucleus of Bardey's BIFL squad. Somehow this week, I managed to rout Bardey despite 32 points out of Grant/Forte, and still win my NBD game by a solid margin as well. Having Brandon Jacobs in that league and Anquan Boldin (22), TJ Houshmandzadeh (22), and Michael Turner (20) in this one certainly didn't hurt.

FUBAR 113.5, Sky Vault Centurions 98
Having handed Spencer such a heartbreaking loss last week, I was happy to root for him in this match-up this week that served to give me an edge over Andre in the Eastern Conference playoff standings. Both teams were at it hammer and tongs this week, with 50 total RB points for FUBAR's Addai-Gore combo and 40 WR points for Sky Vault's Fitzgerald/Ward/Avery trio. Unfortunately for Dre and Redskins fans, though, the Centurions' workhorse, Clinton Portis (6), has been struggling with some injury problems at exactly the wrong time of the season.

Cholish Chachfaces 110.5, Manatee Eaters 97
This score looks just like the last one. And Chalski's running backs (Marshawn Lynch and Marion Barber) scored 48 points, just like Spence's scored 50. Weird. Anyways, Lance Moore sounds way more like a gay porn star's name than Jeff Stryker does, and he's been scoring as much as one too (20 this week). Manatee Eaters sounds like it could be a porno as well, albeit one that serves an exremely perverted niche market. Manatees probably do have big dicks, though. Huge, fat, slow dicks. That reminds me, I was listening to public radio this afternoon and they were doing a segment all about semen and animal sex (your tax dollars!). Turns out that some ducks have 14-inch dicks. Also they're serial rapists, apparently, and lady ducks have multiple "off-ramps" in their vaginas so that they can divert rape-semen away from their ovaries. Crazy shit. Also a dragonfly's dick is like a pipe-cleaner with bristles on it so that it can clean all the other dragonfly semen out of the lady dragonfly's cooch before he blows his load in there. Can't make that up.

Pet Monkey 64, Chip Lohmiller 72
No one on Billy's team scored as much as Dekker's kicker, Mason Crosby (16). I'm pretty sure that tells the whole story on this game. Plus I just wasted a bunch of time writing about dragonfly dicks.

Fin.