Normally, I spend an entire weeknight writing one of these weekly reviews. Sure, I'll watch PTI, eat dinner, watch NBA hoops, play Rock Band, and practice my piano while I'm writing it, but it's still like a 5 hour process. This week, however, I've run out of weeknights and I'm planning on leaving the house in about an hour to try to meet up with Billy and Danny Lee for drinks before we spend the rest of the weekend at Chip Hamner wedding festivities, so time is very short. I'm gonna try to just bang it out. If there are typos, grammatical errors, or sentences that simply don't make sense, bear with me.
So, we're closing in on the playoffs, with only three weeks to go. And since we haven't changed the schedule one bit from last year, that means everybody's got at least one intradivisional match-up and one geographical rivalry game on their plate. Some of those geographies have changed since last year so that the match-ups don't make sense anymore, but the point is the next three weeks are crucially important. I'm pretty awful at calculating "If X then Y but not Z" type situations (though I do know that Coke Zero is more like Coke than it is like Diet Coke and also more like Coke than Diet Coke is -- graph it) so I'm not gonna be able to tell you exactly who needs to win which games and what all the permutations of possible playoff teams are. Maybe our mathier commish can handle that one. What I can do is add up numbers, and then divide them, so that's what I did. I took the results from the last five weeks and calculated each team's average points per game. Then I compared the ppg's of the teams that play each other over the next three weeks, and determined the probable result of those games.
Some of my findings were shocking: Soutendijk, for example, has averaged 98.4 ppg over the past 5 weeks, 4th highest in the league. I, on the other hand, have averaged 90.7 ppg (7th) and yet I've won 4 games in a row over teams with otherwise excellent records. If our scoring trends hold, though, Soutendijk can expect to win all three of his final games, and I can expect to lose all three. This will put him, incredibly, into the playoffs, and leave me out. God I hope the numbers lie. Here's what my statistical projections do for the rest of you.
FUBAR averages 91.5ppg to go 1-2 in his final three games.
Sky Vault Centurions average 100.9ppg to go 3-0 in their final three.
Egon Spengler averages 90.7ppg to go 0-3.
Cholish Chachfaces average 86.6 to go 1-2.
Santonio Holmes averages 90.9 to go 2-1.
Alligator Fuckhouse averages 98.4 to go 3-0.
Manatee Eaters average 76.7 to go 0-3.
Jeff Stryker is a total faggot averages 114.6 to go 3-0.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon averages 82.7 to go 1-2.
Chip Lohmiller averages 108.5 to go 3-0.
Pet Monkey averages 88.0 to go 1-2.
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts average 71.5 to go 0-3.
I have no doubt that many, if not most of those projections will be proven wrong, but that's what would happen if everybody performed exactly as they have for the past five weeks. If that were to happen, your playoff teams would be:
Jeff Stryker, 9-4
Sky Vault Centurions, 9-4
Chip Lohmiller, 8-5
FUBAR, 7-5-1
Manatee Eaters, 7-6
Alligator Fuckhouse, 7-6
And the rest of us will be rocking it out in the consolation bracket. I have no doubt that at least one of the teams mentioned there will not make it, and one of the teams not mentioned will, but Dick, Bardey, Chalski, Meyers and I are all, statistically speaking, fighting uphill battles to make it into the playoffs. Justin is not so much fighting an uphill battle as he is attempting to scale a sheer cliff, carrying a sack of paperweights, with only a pair of dull plastic forks.
Before we get too caught up in what's to come, though, let's take a look back at what has been.
Week 10:
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 78.5, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 113
See? Statistics would have predicted that Will would beat Justin, and he did! Then again, a blind, deaf alien from the planet Xirkon probably could have predicted this outcome. Kurt Warner (27) and Adrian Peterson (30) had their customary big days, scoring more than 50% of Stryker's points for the week. I still wouldn't trust Adrian Peterson to get me into and through the playoffs healthy, but he has gotten through Week 10 and this week put up his sixth and bet-deciding 15+ point game. I now owe Will 20 bucks and a swift kick in the nuts. Guess which one's getting delivered first? As for Juse, he actually got some decent outings from Brandon Marshall (14) and Tony Gonzalez (25), but his snake-bitten season continues with yet another running back going down. This time it was Jamaal Charles, who was hobbled by ankle trouble, gaining only 8 yards on 3 carries. That made him two points better, however, than Jake Delhomme, who was absolutely atrocious last week, against the Raiders, no less.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 82.5, Santonio's Blunts 104.5
The key to a good blunt is the distribution, and Bardey has clearly learned that from his team's namesake as evidenced by the balance of his attack this week. Five Blunts scored in double figures this week, including Donovan McNabb (20), Matt Forte (16), Marques Colston (14), Ryan Grant (13), and Ray Lewis with an impressive 10 defensive points without a pick-six. Holmes himself (2 pts) apparently spent the whole game asking Mike Tomlin if he thought it was "weird, when you really think about it, how we dress ourselves up in these ridiculous costumes every week and run around this field chasing after a pig skin when there's so much suffering and destruction going on in the world. Man." Also I think Steve Smith (0) actually rode to the game with Santonio, which is weird in itself because one was playing in Pittsburgh and the other was in Oakland. Some trippy shit.
Egon Spengler 91.5, FUBAR 91
Speaking of trippy shit, the ending of this game was ridiculous. Going into Monday night, I was trailing Spencer by a decent amount and had Isaac Bruce and Anquan Boldin going against his Frank Gore. With Boldin (22) having another huge night and Gore getting some decent yardage but no TD's, I was closing in all night. But coming down to San Fran's final drive, I was still down 94-91.5 with only Isaac Bruce able to catch me up. I was hoping they might toss it to him in the end zone, but from the 3-yard line, the dynamic duo of Singletary and Martz called two straight run plays, first with Gore, then with Michael Robinson. Neither got in the end zone, and the game was over. I conceded victory. But then an amazing thing happened: 3 points just disappeared from Spence's score. As it turns out, that unsuccessful touchdown run by Frank Gore had actually lost a yard, and that yard brought him from 100 on the night to 99. That means a yardage score of 9, rather than 10, and the loss of the 2-point 100+ bonus. 1 yard and 3 points later, I was the victor. Spencer ended the night by declaring that he was gonna go slit his wrists. I hope that's not true, if only because I need him to beat up on Sky Vault and Holmes the next couple weeks to help my playoff chances. You've got so much to live for, Spence! Think of the Nooch!!!
Sky Vault Centurions 121, Cholish Chachfaces 82
You know what? I gotta go. So I'm gonna post for now, and then try to come back and add to this when I get home drunk tonight. Should be interesting.
So I'm back, and not nearly as drunk as could have been expected. You know who's drunk, though? Mam Siotke. Spent the latter part of this evening holding him up and watching his girlfriend scold him. Good times. Anyways...
The Centurions are strong to quite strong, to really incredibly fucking strong. How strong are they? Two of Dre's boys went blank and he still had the high score of the week. That's what happens I guess when three guys combine for 80 points (Cutler 35, Jacobs 24, Mewelde 21). To me, Sky Vault looks like the dominant team heading into the home stretch. Keep in mind that the team leader, Clinton Portis, didn't play this week (and it looks like won't play again next week) but should be healthy in time for the playoffs. And can you ask for more dependable receivers in terms of getting you at least 9-10 pts a week than Larry Fitzgerald and Hines Ward? Ok, ok. I'll get off the good Doctor's jock now. Let's focus on Chalski's jock instead, which like the actual Cholach's jock in college, was pretty much completely devoid of scoring this week. 21 out of Reggie Waye is certainly nice, as is the customary 18 by Philip Rivers, but most of the rest of this team falls under the label of 2008 disappointment.
Manatee Eaters 59.5, Chip Lohmiller 113
Here's what I said in my preview last week: "Wow. Dekker is starting Joe Flacco this week. Normally that'd be enough for me to declare Chuck the winner." So, I'm dumb. My apologies to Dekker, Joe, and the entire Flacco family. Apparently the guy's a stud, I just didn't recognize what a football factory the fucking Delaware Fightin' Blue Hen program was. Joe the Passer went for 21 points, which was good for only the 3rd-highest scorer on the Lohmiller roster behind Maurice Jones-Drew (27) and Eddie Royal (24). And what can I say about Chuck's team that I haven't already said? They are jokers. Pretenders. Posers. Their 7-3, West-leading record disgusts me, and what disgusts me even more is that they'll probably slide into the playoffs on the strength of their flukey early-season dominance, while my team is still fighting for our playoff lives. Having trouble breaking that elusive 65-point barrier, Chuckles? Well, that's probably just a one-week aberration, right? Oh wait, it's happened three of the past four weeks. I might feel bad about all this McNut-hating if I wasn't such a Minnesota Bearcats supporter in years past. But this season, it just isn't deserved.
Pet Monkey 72, Alligator Fuckhouse 117
Speaking of hating on BIFL teams, I've given Souts' squad a lot of shit this year here on Lassard.com, or whatever the fuck it's called*, but it's time for me to eat my words. For the past month or so, this has been a fuckhouse on fire, and this rout of team rhinoplasty was no exception (p.s. saw the new schnozz tonight, and Billy's hardly recognizable. have you guys seen Dirty Dancing's Jennifer Grey since she got her shit done? it's like that. whole new person.) Leading the Fuckhouse was wahoo-wah Thomas Jones (34), who has really been coming on strong lately in the Jets' high-powered offense. Normally a good quarterback can open things up for a running back, but I actually think the opposite has happened with Brett Favre. He's made so many dumbass fucktard throws this season that I think teams just sit back in pass coverage assuming that they'll grab a few easy interceptions, and don't even think about the holes that D'Brick, Mangold et al are creating for the running game. Kellen Winslow (23) and Matt Ryan (19) also made solid contributions for AF this week, whereas nothing for Pet Monkey was particularly solid other than the fact that he featured an IDP named Dewayne. Love that 'e' in there, letting you know "this guy's name is pronounced the way black people pronounce it."
And... there goes the thumping that means the girl in the room above me is getting boffed. That's gonna do it for me [retrieves lotion from under bed].
*ok, so i'm a little drunk
11.14.2008
11.12.2008
NBD - Week 10 Review
Well, gentlemen, we're headed into the home stretch of the fantasy season, with only three weeks' worth of games before our playoffs begin. With that in mind, and with so many teams bunched in the middle with 4-6, 5-5, or 6-4 records, I decided to look ahead and see what we might expect to happen in these final three regular season weeks. Unfortunately, despite being a literary genius in two languages and having even passed the bc calculus exam in high school (thanks, Ms. DeMaria!), I am absolute shit at holding and calculating combinations in my head. Once I get past, like, two possible combinations, I'm done. And with 12 teams playing each other over three weeks, there are like probably at least 4 possible combinations that could happen. It may be more, I'm not sure. There's something about a factorial.
So but anyways, here's how I decided to predict the remainder of the season. First, I looked at each team's performance over the past 5 weeks to get an idea of what we could expect from each team in their current configurations. The big surprise here was that the top scorer over the past 5 weeks has been none other than yours truly! That's right, in the second half of the season I've averaged a whopping 98.1 points per game. I am followed, not surprisingly, by the 7-3 $5 Foot Long (96.4ppg), then the somewhat surprising CH Croakies (96.0ppg), and then the extremely surprising Woody's Warriors (94.9ppg). So once I determined each team's points-per-game average, I compared each team to their upcoming opponents and established a probable record for their next three games. Adding this probable record to their established record, I was able to determine who will make the playoffs. The results may shock you:
Team / Current Record / Final-3 Prediction / Final Record
$5 Foot Long / 7-3 / W-W-W / 10-3
Matt Ryan Loves Dogs / 7-3 / W-L-W / 9-4
Wyld Stallyns / 7-3 / L-W-L / 8-5
Lassard Blows Harris / 5-5 / W-W-W / 8-5
CH Croakies / 5-5 / W-L-W / 7-6
Stadler & Waldorf / 4-6 / W-W-W / 7-6
Chestpubes & Ballfro / 5-5 / L-W-L / 6-7
Burke City Giants / 6-4 / L-L-L / 6-7
Woody's Warriors / 3-7 / W-W-L / 5-8
Tri Steeg Area / 5-5 / L-L-L / 5-8
Dutch Rudders / 3-7 / L-L-W / 4-9
Mephistopheles / 3-7 / L-L-L / 3-10
That's right, bitches. If the trends of the last 5 weeks hold, you'll be seeing Stadler & Waldorf in the playoffs. Now, we all know that fantasy football is not nearly as predictable as simple statistical projections, and that so much is based on weekly match-ups, injuries, and simple luck. But it is interesting to see the possibilities here, including the very real chance that a team like the Burke City Giants, who currently sit alone at the #4 spot with a 6-4 record, could bomb out of the playoffs, while a team like mine which languished in last place for most of the season could sneak in. The important games will be those between the teams currently 4-6, 5-5, or 6-4. I'll be highlighting those each week in my Previews. For now, though, let's take a gander back at NBD '08 Week 10.
Stadler & Waldorf 113.32, Mephistopheles 103.68
Despite their usual standings as league pincushions, the Tarasovics came out fighting this week, and of course it was at the expense of each other. Ray J's been getting big numbers out of Drew Brees (23) and occasional breakouts from DeSean Jackson (15) all year, but the rest of his big showing this week came from some unexpected sources. I was flabbergasted to see my own draftee, Ricky Williams, enter the Mephistophelian revolving door of running backs, and even flabbergasted-er to see him drop 19 points on me during the early games. And Todd Heap (18)? I honestly thought he was dead. But those pleasant surprises weren't pleasant enough in the face of the Stadler & Waldorf onslaught. The rookie combo of Matt Ryan (18) and Matt Forte (19) continues to impress. This week they received some veteran assistance in the form of Tony Gonzalez's biggest day of the season, and Gonzo's second touchdown in the waning moments of the Kansas City-San Diego game was a huge difference-maker in this one. Later that night, Brandon Jacobs' 23-point outing sealed the deal, putting the game out of the reach of Ray's Monday Night kicker, Neil Rackers (11).
CH Croakies 127.80, Woody's Warriors 84.90
I had hoped that my 113-point outing would be enough to secure me top scorer honors for the second week in a row, but I was even't close to matching the week 10 Croakies squad. The Croakies, who had yet to top 104 points this season, went way beyond that in pouring it on over the hapless Warriors, with almost the entire team in double-digits. Leading the way were Adrian Peterson (29) and the Green Bay Defense (20), which seems somewhat paradoxical considering that they were playing each other. In looking back at my Week 10 Preview, I'm sort of shocked that I didn't take Elliott to task for the fact that he was starting Joe Flacco and Kevin Smith, but I'm glad I didn't. Flacco (18) is apparently eager to show everyone that Matt Ryan is not the only rookie quarterback who can lead his team to success, and Kevin Smith (18) hasn't remotely matched fellow NFC North rookie rusher Matt Forte this season, but he came pretty close on Sunday. With all of these big performances from the Croakies, we shouldn't overlook the huge day by Woody's Maurice Jones-Drew (27), who persists in being an all-or-nothing fantasy play. Unfortunately for Woody, he blew one of his "all's" on a day when most of the rest of the Warriors brought nothing, and some brought even less (I'm looking at you, Marc Bulger's -0.4 pts).
Chestpubes & Ballfro 79.26, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 88.42
The Mercenary Award for the week goes to Brady Quinn, who was picked up by Colly last Wednesday, scored 18 points for him on Thursday, and was promptly sent back to the waiver wire this Wednesday. One has to question the wisdom of such a quick drop, especially considering that Quinn was Chestpubes & Ballfro's leading scorer last week. Perhaps his sculpted and likely clean-shaven torso simply did not jibe with the C & B ethos. He certainly did not seem to inspire his teammates to greatness, as the only other decent scorers for Colly this week, Roddy White (13) and LaDainian Tomlinson (11), were actually well below what you'd hope for from them. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs continued their march towards the top of the rankings with a fourth straight win. Most of Koehler's squad was pretty lame this week (5 points or less for 5 starters), but when Thomas Jones (33) has the biggest day of his fantasy career and Kurt Warner (25) continues his campaign for MVP with his third straight 20+ point game, much lameness can be overcome.
The Dutch Rudders 79.54, Burke City Giants 101.08
I was unfamiliar with the term "Dutch Rudder" before Derek chose it as his name a little while back, and an Urban Dictionary search still leaves some equivocation as to whether it refers to a man getting masturbatory assistance from another person controlling their arm movements, or the act of steering another person around a room by sticking your dick up their ass. Either way, Michael Toobin is probably horrified, even though his team effectively cock-caulked Derek's this weekend and forced Eli Manning (15), LenDale White (8) and company to hold the arms of DeAngelo Williams (20), Reggie Wayne (17) and Michael Turner (16) as they brought themselves to completion all over the faces of the New York Giants' Defense (25). Man, I'm glad we've got Dads in the league.
[Note: to complete the Dad freak-out, I just did a video search for "Dutch Rudder" to try to embed in the blog, but my browser froze and broke down. I thought I had lost this entire post, which probably would have served me right. But the auto-save feature brought me back to life, demonstrating the wonderful convenience of modern computers. Then again, this same wonderful convenience is what will bring up "Dutch Rudder" everytime somebody using my computer searches for something starting with the letter D from now on. Win some, lose some.]
$5 Foot Long 90.08, Lassard Blows Harris 108.16
I was just talking to a buddy of mine about how each of us had traded for Anquan Boldin a few weeks back in other fantasy leagues, and how smug and happy we felt for having unloaded our useless players for a guy who has simply exploded over the past month. Papkin actually drafted Boldin, who led his team with 23 this week, so he's probably not quite as taken with Q as we are, but he's gotta be loving the production he's getting out of his 4th-rounder. His 1st-rounder, it should be noted, was Willie Parker, which might have been crippling for some owners, but Papkin's astute pick-up of his replacement, Mewelde Moore (23), has paid huge dividends. This week, Boldin and Moore were enough to take down the league's top team, though I should add that they got a significant helping hand from Donovan McNabb (22), who is amazingly 10 weeks into the season without a ruptured spleen, concave meniscus, or split gash. Haller got the week off to a huge start on Thursday night thanks to Cutler, Marshall and Torain (60 combined points), but could only manage half that from all the rest of his guys on Sunday. With Torain done for the season and Portis struggling with a strained MCL, Haller's regular season powerhouse may be limping into the playoffs - wait, he's got BenJarvus Green-Ellis, too? What the fuck have the rest of us been doing with the waiver wire?
Wyld Stallyns 78.84, Tri Steeg Area 60.10
Like the lungs of these two owners, this was a hideous pair of performances. Both of these rosters featured 0-fers this week, but while I'm pretty sure DeYoung should have known ahead of time that Steven Jackson wasn't going to play, Manning probably had no reason to suspect that Bernard Berrian wasn't going to show up, especially after his dominance the past few weeks.
[program interruption: just watched Rudy Fernandez hit a nasty jumper after a spin move to ice this game for Portland. Go Blazers! Also, Oden appears to have made it through an entire game without hurting himself. Way to go, G.O.]
Back to the Stallyns-Steegers match-up: Ultimately, DeYoung's early advantage thanks to Eddie Royal's big Thursday night (22) proved to be the difference in this one. Peyton Manning (20) made an effort to bring the game back into reach, but the rest of the Area did next to nothing to help (Lee Evans - 2, Jonathan Stewart - 2, Owen Daniels -1).
Thus ends another exciting week of NBD football. Things are really heating up in the playoff race; tune back in this weekend for a preview of all the important match-ups in Week 11.
So but anyways, here's how I decided to predict the remainder of the season. First, I looked at each team's performance over the past 5 weeks to get an idea of what we could expect from each team in their current configurations. The big surprise here was that the top scorer over the past 5 weeks has been none other than yours truly! That's right, in the second half of the season I've averaged a whopping 98.1 points per game. I am followed, not surprisingly, by the 7-3 $5 Foot Long (96.4ppg), then the somewhat surprising CH Croakies (96.0ppg), and then the extremely surprising Woody's Warriors (94.9ppg). So once I determined each team's points-per-game average, I compared each team to their upcoming opponents and established a probable record for their next three games. Adding this probable record to their established record, I was able to determine who will make the playoffs. The results may shock you:
Team / Current Record / Final-3 Prediction / Final Record
$5 Foot Long / 7-3 / W-W-W / 10-3
Matt Ryan Loves Dogs / 7-3 / W-L-W / 9-4
Wyld Stallyns / 7-3 / L-W-L / 8-5
Lassard Blows Harris / 5-5 / W-W-W / 8-5
CH Croakies / 5-5 / W-L-W / 7-6
Stadler & Waldorf / 4-6 / W-W-W / 7-6
Chestpubes & Ballfro / 5-5 / L-W-L / 6-7
Burke City Giants / 6-4 / L-L-L / 6-7
Woody's Warriors / 3-7 / W-W-L / 5-8
Tri Steeg Area / 5-5 / L-L-L / 5-8
Dutch Rudders / 3-7 / L-L-W / 4-9
Mephistopheles / 3-7 / L-L-L / 3-10
That's right, bitches. If the trends of the last 5 weeks hold, you'll be seeing Stadler & Waldorf in the playoffs. Now, we all know that fantasy football is not nearly as predictable as simple statistical projections, and that so much is based on weekly match-ups, injuries, and simple luck. But it is interesting to see the possibilities here, including the very real chance that a team like the Burke City Giants, who currently sit alone at the #4 spot with a 6-4 record, could bomb out of the playoffs, while a team like mine which languished in last place for most of the season could sneak in. The important games will be those between the teams currently 4-6, 5-5, or 6-4. I'll be highlighting those each week in my Previews. For now, though, let's take a gander back at NBD '08 Week 10.
Stadler & Waldorf 113.32, Mephistopheles 103.68
Despite their usual standings as league pincushions, the Tarasovics came out fighting this week, and of course it was at the expense of each other. Ray J's been getting big numbers out of Drew Brees (23) and occasional breakouts from DeSean Jackson (15) all year, but the rest of his big showing this week came from some unexpected sources. I was flabbergasted to see my own draftee, Ricky Williams, enter the Mephistophelian revolving door of running backs, and even flabbergasted-er to see him drop 19 points on me during the early games. And Todd Heap (18)? I honestly thought he was dead. But those pleasant surprises weren't pleasant enough in the face of the Stadler & Waldorf onslaught. The rookie combo of Matt Ryan (18) and Matt Forte (19) continues to impress. This week they received some veteran assistance in the form of Tony Gonzalez's biggest day of the season, and Gonzo's second touchdown in the waning moments of the Kansas City-San Diego game was a huge difference-maker in this one. Later that night, Brandon Jacobs' 23-point outing sealed the deal, putting the game out of the reach of Ray's Monday Night kicker, Neil Rackers (11).
CH Croakies 127.80, Woody's Warriors 84.90
I had hoped that my 113-point outing would be enough to secure me top scorer honors for the second week in a row, but I was even't close to matching the week 10 Croakies squad. The Croakies, who had yet to top 104 points this season, went way beyond that in pouring it on over the hapless Warriors, with almost the entire team in double-digits. Leading the way were Adrian Peterson (29) and the Green Bay Defense (20), which seems somewhat paradoxical considering that they were playing each other. In looking back at my Week 10 Preview, I'm sort of shocked that I didn't take Elliott to task for the fact that he was starting Joe Flacco and Kevin Smith, but I'm glad I didn't. Flacco (18) is apparently eager to show everyone that Matt Ryan is not the only rookie quarterback who can lead his team to success, and Kevin Smith (18) hasn't remotely matched fellow NFC North rookie rusher Matt Forte this season, but he came pretty close on Sunday. With all of these big performances from the Croakies, we shouldn't overlook the huge day by Woody's Maurice Jones-Drew (27), who persists in being an all-or-nothing fantasy play. Unfortunately for Woody, he blew one of his "all's" on a day when most of the rest of the Warriors brought nothing, and some brought even less (I'm looking at you, Marc Bulger's -0.4 pts).
Chestpubes & Ballfro 79.26, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 88.42
The Mercenary Award for the week goes to Brady Quinn, who was picked up by Colly last Wednesday, scored 18 points for him on Thursday, and was promptly sent back to the waiver wire this Wednesday. One has to question the wisdom of such a quick drop, especially considering that Quinn was Chestpubes & Ballfro's leading scorer last week. Perhaps his sculpted and likely clean-shaven torso simply did not jibe with the C & B ethos. He certainly did not seem to inspire his teammates to greatness, as the only other decent scorers for Colly this week, Roddy White (13) and LaDainian Tomlinson (11), were actually well below what you'd hope for from them. Meanwhile, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs continued their march towards the top of the rankings with a fourth straight win. Most of Koehler's squad was pretty lame this week (5 points or less for 5 starters), but when Thomas Jones (33) has the biggest day of his fantasy career and Kurt Warner (25) continues his campaign for MVP with his third straight 20+ point game, much lameness can be overcome.
The Dutch Rudders 79.54, Burke City Giants 101.08
I was unfamiliar with the term "Dutch Rudder" before Derek chose it as his name a little while back, and an Urban Dictionary search still leaves some equivocation as to whether it refers to a man getting masturbatory assistance from another person controlling their arm movements, or the act of steering another person around a room by sticking your dick up their ass. Either way, Michael Toobin is probably horrified, even though his team effectively cock-caulked Derek's this weekend and forced Eli Manning (15), LenDale White (8) and company to hold the arms of DeAngelo Williams (20), Reggie Wayne (17) and Michael Turner (16) as they brought themselves to completion all over the faces of the New York Giants' Defense (25). Man, I'm glad we've got Dads in the league.
[Note: to complete the Dad freak-out, I just did a video search for "Dutch Rudder" to try to embed in the blog, but my browser froze and broke down. I thought I had lost this entire post, which probably would have served me right. But the auto-save feature brought me back to life, demonstrating the wonderful convenience of modern computers. Then again, this same wonderful convenience is what will bring up "Dutch Rudder" everytime somebody using my computer searches for something starting with the letter D from now on. Win some, lose some.]
$5 Foot Long 90.08, Lassard Blows Harris 108.16
I was just talking to a buddy of mine about how each of us had traded for Anquan Boldin a few weeks back in other fantasy leagues, and how smug and happy we felt for having unloaded our useless players for a guy who has simply exploded over the past month. Papkin actually drafted Boldin, who led his team with 23 this week, so he's probably not quite as taken with Q as we are, but he's gotta be loving the production he's getting out of his 4th-rounder. His 1st-rounder, it should be noted, was Willie Parker, which might have been crippling for some owners, but Papkin's astute pick-up of his replacement, Mewelde Moore (23), has paid huge dividends. This week, Boldin and Moore were enough to take down the league's top team, though I should add that they got a significant helping hand from Donovan McNabb (22), who is amazingly 10 weeks into the season without a ruptured spleen, concave meniscus, or split gash. Haller got the week off to a huge start on Thursday night thanks to Cutler, Marshall and Torain (60 combined points), but could only manage half that from all the rest of his guys on Sunday. With Torain done for the season and Portis struggling with a strained MCL, Haller's regular season powerhouse may be limping into the playoffs - wait, he's got BenJarvus Green-Ellis, too? What the fuck have the rest of us been doing with the waiver wire?
Wyld Stallyns 78.84, Tri Steeg Area 60.10
Like the lungs of these two owners, this was a hideous pair of performances. Both of these rosters featured 0-fers this week, but while I'm pretty sure DeYoung should have known ahead of time that Steven Jackson wasn't going to play, Manning probably had no reason to suspect that Bernard Berrian wasn't going to show up, especially after his dominance the past few weeks.
[program interruption: just watched Rudy Fernandez hit a nasty jumper after a spin move to ice this game for Portland. Go Blazers! Also, Oden appears to have made it through an entire game without hurting himself. Way to go, G.O.]
Back to the Stallyns-Steegers match-up: Ultimately, DeYoung's early advantage thanks to Eddie Royal's big Thursday night (22) proved to be the difference in this one. Peyton Manning (20) made an effort to bring the game back into reach, but the rest of the Area did next to nothing to help (Lee Evans - 2, Jonathan Stewart - 2, Owen Daniels -1).
Thus ends another exciting week of NBD football. Things are really heating up in the playoff race; tune back in this weekend for a preview of all the important match-ups in Week 11.
11.09.2008
BIFL - Week 10 Preview
Whoops! Was hoping to do an expansive preview this week, but I just woke up on Sunday morning with not a lot of time til the games start, so I'll dive right in and hopefully get these done with enough time to find a weird nature picture and a hot lady.
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-7) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (5-4)
OK so we already know a little bit about this game: Ryan Torain, Brandon Marshall, and D'Qwell Jackson have already gone for Juse. Just when it looked like Justin had found a running back who would be productive and healthy, Torain destroyed his knee. What Shoaf is to quarterbacks, Juse is to running backs. Anyway, Will also had one guy play already, but you would hardly know it by his score, since Braylon Edwards managed a mere point. Even with a lead, though, I don't see the Argos staying ahead of Kurt Warner going against the Niners and Adrian Peterson going against the Packers.
Stryker by 5
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (5-3-1) vs. Santonio's Blunts (3-6)
Bardey's wide receiver opponents (Atlanta, Baltimore and Indy) are all among the top 10 at keeping down fantasy receivers. His running back opponents (Minnesota and Tennesssee) are among the top 11 at keeping down fantasy running backs. His quarterback opponent (the Giants) are #4. Dick has two guys going against the Raiders. Need I go on?
Poon-Pounders by 12
Sky Vault Centurions (5-4) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (4-5)
Well this is pretty unfair. Three days ago I'm pretty sure I would have picked the Chachfaces. I think the Rams-Jets game will be a shootout and Torry Holt will get some of those points. I think Tim Hightower will have a big day against San Fran. I think Philip Rivers will probably be solid versus the Chiefs. But I only think all these things. I know that Jay Cutler blew up against the Browns on Thursday for 35 points. I don't really see Andre wasting that performance.
Sky Vault by 10
I hate these thursday games, by the way.
I also really want some breakfast.
Egon Spengler (5-4) vs. FUBAR (6-2-1)
Fucking 14 points from the kicker already? God damn I hate these thursday games. I'm pinning my "comeback" hopes on Brett Favre, who I think might be capable of another one of those 6-touchdown games against St. Louis today. I also think he might be capable of a 6-interception day. I'm fucked.
FUBAR by 5
Manatee Eaters (7-2) vs. Chip Lohmiller (4-5)
Wow. Dekker is starting Joe Flacco this week. Normally that'd be enough for me to declare Chuck the winner, but Eddie Royal may have saved the day by post 26 points already. I'm also not anticipating huge days out of any of Chuck's guys.
Lohmiller by 4
Pet Monkey (4-5) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (3-6)
I'll just re-print the smackboard here:
William Meyers (Nov 7 1:30 AM): after watching tonights game, i was not at all surprised to come back and see that i was playing against kellen winslow. it's a miracle souts doesnt have cutler.William Meyers (Nov 7 1:30 AM): no sir, no bitterness here.
I love you Billy. And your squad of losers.
Fuckhouse by 6
Last week: 2-4 (yikes! fucking tie)
Overall: 35-19
Oh, no.
Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-7) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (5-4)
OK so we already know a little bit about this game: Ryan Torain, Brandon Marshall, and D'Qwell Jackson have already gone for Juse. Just when it looked like Justin had found a running back who would be productive and healthy, Torain destroyed his knee. What Shoaf is to quarterbacks, Juse is to running backs. Anyway, Will also had one guy play already, but you would hardly know it by his score, since Braylon Edwards managed a mere point. Even with a lead, though, I don't see the Argos staying ahead of Kurt Warner going against the Niners and Adrian Peterson going against the Packers.
Stryker by 5
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (5-3-1) vs. Santonio's Blunts (3-6)
Bardey's wide receiver opponents (Atlanta, Baltimore and Indy) are all among the top 10 at keeping down fantasy receivers. His running back opponents (Minnesota and Tennesssee) are among the top 11 at keeping down fantasy running backs. His quarterback opponent (the Giants) are #4. Dick has two guys going against the Raiders. Need I go on?
Poon-Pounders by 12
Sky Vault Centurions (5-4) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (4-5)
Well this is pretty unfair. Three days ago I'm pretty sure I would have picked the Chachfaces. I think the Rams-Jets game will be a shootout and Torry Holt will get some of those points. I think Tim Hightower will have a big day against San Fran. I think Philip Rivers will probably be solid versus the Chiefs. But I only think all these things. I know that Jay Cutler blew up against the Browns on Thursday for 35 points. I don't really see Andre wasting that performance.
Sky Vault by 10
I hate these thursday games, by the way.
I also really want some breakfast.
Egon Spengler (5-4) vs. FUBAR (6-2-1)
Fucking 14 points from the kicker already? God damn I hate these thursday games. I'm pinning my "comeback" hopes on Brett Favre, who I think might be capable of another one of those 6-touchdown games against St. Louis today. I also think he might be capable of a 6-interception day. I'm fucked.
FUBAR by 5
Manatee Eaters (7-2) vs. Chip Lohmiller (4-5)
Wow. Dekker is starting Joe Flacco this week. Normally that'd be enough for me to declare Chuck the winner, but Eddie Royal may have saved the day by post 26 points already. I'm also not anticipating huge days out of any of Chuck's guys.
Lohmiller by 4
Pet Monkey (4-5) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (3-6)
I'll just re-print the smackboard here:
William Meyers (Nov 7 1:30 AM): after watching tonights game, i was not at all surprised to come back and see that i was playing against kellen winslow. it's a miracle souts doesnt have cutler.William Meyers (Nov 7 1:30 AM): no sir, no bitterness here.
I love you Billy. And your squad of losers.
Fuckhouse by 6
Last week: 2-4 (yikes! fucking tie)
Overall: 35-19
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
11.08.2008
NBD - Week 9 Review & Week 10 Preview
It's been a roller-coaster of a week in the Life of Lassard: Returning from Chapel Hill last weekend I headed into the Monday night Skins game in high spirits, only to see them sputter terribly against the Steelers. Tuesday was, of course, the big election, putting me back in a positive state of mind, but I passed out even before the acceptance speech and woke up feeling sick as a dog on Wednesday. On Thursday I returned to work and spent the night playing poker, eating delicious food, and receiving massages from the hired help, which meant a bit of a hangover on Friday, which was exacerbated by a rough day from the kids. Unable to take out my aggressions on the children themselves, I was looking to blow off some steam playing soccer last night, but instead was the recipient of a rifle-shot to the head that exploded my glasses and bloodied and bruised my right eye. A few band-aids, beers, and percocets later, I was off to a blissful eleven hours of sleep. All of which is a long way of saying that it's Saturday afternoon and I still haven't written a review of last week's games, much less a preview of this week's. So without further ado, here's your Week 9 Review:Stadler & Waldorf 101.60, Woody's Warriors 79.82
So not only did I dominate the Research Triangle in my superhot Lieutenant Dangle costume last weekend, but my fantasy team dominated the NBD. I had wisely predicted a rare victory for my boys, but even I could not have foreseen being Week 9's highest scorer. And I did it without the benefit of any single huge-day performance; instead, S & W featured a balanced attack in all aspects of the game, running (Brandon Jacobs' 18), passing (Matt Ryan's 15), receiving (Andre Johnson's 12) and defense (the Giants' 16). On the surface, it may have looked as though Woody and his Warriors would have stuck with me, considering that he, too, had five players in double figures. But fellow Wahoo Heath Miller helped me out by leaving the game with an injury and without a point, and Fred Taylor played but was almost equally ineffective. My fears of Brian Westbrook also proved to be relatively unfounded, as he had a pedestrian 10-point Sunday.
CH Croakies 82.14, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 94.58
I heard Kurt Warner's name mentioned the other day in consideration for the MVP award. 9 weeks ago that would have seemed ridiculous to me, and probably did to Koehler, too, who selected him in the 15th round and probably expected him to be a one-week play filling in for Tom Brady. But with Brady out, Warner has certainly been the replacement of the year if not the MVP. He proved that again this week by leading MRLD with 21 points. Another surprise is that he was closely followed by his teammate, running back Tim Hightower (18), who may be developing into a second-half powerhouse a la last year's Ryan Grant now that he's taken the starting job from Edgerrin James. In another league I'm in, I traded Hightower away for Anthony Gonzalez. Good job, me. But back to this game: Elliott got some good games out of Adrian Peterson and Derrick Mason (20 each), but not much else of note. Especially disappointing for both personal and fantasy reasons must have been the 7-point performance by Jason Campbell, who was intercepted for the first time this season.
Chestpubes & Ballfro 93.64, Burke City Giants 66.06
I almost bought a bootleg copy of "Stepbrothers" on the subway last Sunday, but before I could look through the stack the "saleslady" got into a customer service dispute. The crazy, loud guy on the train (each car is assigned one) had purchased Max Payne the week before, but apparently the video had cut off "after he drinks the blue stuff." The bootleg lady explained in her broken English that she was sorry, and that if he brought her the DVD the next time they rode together that she would happily exchange it for another. I never imagined that the crazy train guy could make a cogent argument for the return of his bootleg, or that the Asian bootlegger would respond so receptively to his complaint, but it seemed like they legitimately worked it out. This is why I love New York.
In actual fantasy news, Chestpubes & Ballfro (who get their name from "Stepbrothers," in case the connection there wasn't apparent) rode Chris Johnson to victory yet again this week, and if Warner is a legitimate MVP candidate, Johnson (22) would seem a virtual shoo-in for Rookie of the Year. C&B was also helped by 20 points each from Donald Driver and the Steelers Defense, whose combined efforts almost makes one forget that Colly started Jamarcus Russell (3) this week. The Burke City Giants quarterback, Matt Schaub, actually did even worse, but that might be due to the torn MCL he suffered. With Schaub and Miller injured, can Thomas Jones, Chris Long, and Chris Canty be far behind?
The Dutch Rudders 55.88, Lassard Blows Harris 90.36
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Last season's regular champ, Derek Haller, was ranked third in my Power Rankings a little over a month ago and had started the season 3-0. Now, heading into week 10, they are still sitting on those three wins, having suffered six straight losses. In that stretch, he has had only two games over 68 points, proving that the streak is not simply a matter of bad luck. So what's gone wrong for the former-Leadfarmers? Well, Marion Barber (4)has been boom-or-bust, with a couple big games but no consistency. Plaxico Burress' (3) antics have apparently not only rubbed Coach Tom Coughlin the wrong way, but he seems to have been taken out of the game plan to some extent and ignored by Eli Manning (13), who has been solid but unspectacular himself. Whatever the cause, they stood little chance against Papkin's squad this week. Donovan McNabb led the way with 22 points, and was ably supported by Ronnie Brown (15) and Anquan Boldin (15), who's been going gangbusters since returning from that vicious headshot that kept him out for a month. He is an inspiration to other sufferers of head trauma, such as myself and Gary Busey.
$5 Foot Long 66.98, Wyld Stallyns 71.76
While Derek has been sliding towards the bottom of the standings, DeYoung has been climbing to the top, winning his fourth game in a row this week in an important match-up with league-leading $5 Foot Long, nee Hamster Now Guinea Pig. Despite the fact that star running back Steven Jackson (2) toyed with Deezer's emotions this week by declaring himself fit to play when he clearly wasn't, the Stallyns eked out an unpretty victory. While none of the Stallyns went off this week, 15 each from Aaron Rodgers and Braylon Edwards and 13 from Eddie Royal complemented a strong special teams day, with a combined 22 points from Matt Bryant and the Minnesota D. Haller, meanwhile, was hindered by sub-par performances from his usual stalwarts, Brandon Marshall (3), Joe Addai (4), and Clinton Portis, who was in double figures but had one of his weakest fantasy performances of the season.
Mephistopheles 68.08, Tri Steeg Area 88.28
Having scored 850 points this year, Kevin Manning's Tri Steegers are second in the league in scoring, but due to consistent bad luck they are only a game above .500. Normally, when Kex scores 88 points, it's a good day but his opponent invariably scores like 96 points. This week, though, he was taking on the hapless Mephistopheles, so 88 was more than enough to secure a W. Topping the Tri Steeg box score was Peyton Manning, who continued his 2008 resurgence with 20 points. Also making healthy contributions were Bernard Berrian (16), who's been on an impressive run lately as Gus Frerotte's preferred target, and Owen Daniels (13). The Chief's team continues to be hobbled by their lack of running back talent, and this week the roulette wheel by which he determines starters landed on Kevin Faulk and Ricky Williams. They produced nearly 13 points. Of the five backs that Ray drafted, only one (Warrick Dunn) remains on his roster, while Larry Johnson, Laurence Maroney, Rashard Mendenhall, and Deuce McAllister have all been injured, arrested, or ill-advisedly dropped. At least he's not starting Cedric Benson anymore, though. Oh wait, Benson went for 17 last week. Whoops!
And now having looked at all the Week 9 games, let's head straight into the slate for Week 10!
Stadler & Waldorf (3-6) vs. Mephistopheles (3-6)
Is it possible that with consecutive games against fellow bottom-dwellers Woody's Warriors and Mephistopheles my batch of lovable losers could gain their first back-to-back wins of the season? Ray J and I have already faced off once this week, and his Steelers dominated my Redskins, so I'm not holding out much hope for this match-up either. Some of my biggest scorers (Matt Forte and Andre Johnson) are taking on some difficult defenses, and my flex this week is Ray Rice, who is in the enigmatic Baltimore backfield. I'd be psyched for two in a row, but at this point have learned not to get my hopes up.
Mephisto by 3
CH Croakies (4-5) vs. Woody's Warriors (3-6)
It makes sense to note here that for the rest of the season, I'll have a bit of an advantage in my picks due to the fact that there'll be Thursday night games, and I've only gotten maybe one set of predictions out before Friday so far this year. So I know already that Jamal Lewis has 14 for E, but that's safely within the range of what you'd expect from him, so it shouldn't color my prediction too much. Brian Westbrook is still pretty much the only player that scares me on Woody's roster, and he's taking on the stout defense of the Giants, so I don't feel like I'm cheating at all by taking
Croakies by 8
Chestpubes & Ballfro (5-4) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (6-3)
Again, I've already got some inside info on this match-up knowing that Brady Quinn had a solid fantasy debut with 18 points and Tony Scheffler chipped in with 9. I see the high scoring continuing in this match-up for both teams, with several dynamic players going against weak defenses (Roddy White vs. NO, Tomlinson vs. KC, Tim Hightower vs. SF, Frank Gore vs. AZ). Despite Colly's early lead, I give MRLD the nod in what should be a an exciting game that will likely not be settled 'til Monday night.
MRLD by 6
The Dutch Rudders (3-6) vs. Burke City Giants (5-4)
Having written in this very post about all the reasons for Derek Haller's lack of success, it would be difficult to justify picking him to win here. Further adding to my doubts about Dutch success this week is the fact that Michael Turner is taking on New Orleans, who has just the kind of porous defense he's exploited all season long.
Giants by 9
$5 Foot Long (7-2) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (4-5)
OK. I've got a pretty unfair advantage in picking this one. Haller has already locked in almost 60 points, which in some weeks is enough by itself to beat Lassard Blows Harris. Still on the docket are Steve Smith going against a lame Raiders team and Donnie Avery against the Jets in a game that will probably be a shootout. Meanwhile Papkin's leader, Donovan McNabb, is taking on the Giants. I should probably recuse myself from picking here, but I like free stats-padding as much as the next guy.
Foot Long by 12
Wyld Stallyns (6-3) vs. Tri Steeg Area (5-4)
Here again we know that Eddie Royal has already notched a bodacious 22 points for the Stallyns, which is well more than I would have expected from him. But you know what? I don't think it matters. Deezer doesn't have much to replace Steven Jackson with, and Braylon Edwards' poor performance on Thursday night pretty much negates Royal's. Plus, 5 straight wins is simply too much to give DeYoung.
Tri Steeg by 7
Last week: 3-3
Overall: 35-19
After that ball hit me in the face last night I looked kinda like this:
My vision was pretty blurry too, and I think I may have been concussed, but I'm pretty sure the woman who helped bandage me up looked like this:
Not a bad trade-off, right?
11.05.2008
BIFL - Week 9 Review
Last night, the citizens of the United States of America witnessed and participated in an historic moment in their history as a nation. It was an event 232 years in the making, since our country's leaders first came together and declared us one people, united together in the dream of affording every citizen life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And today, that dream is one giant step closer to being a reality for all. At 10:47pm, on CNN, Americans paused as Anderson Cooper made the announcement from his New York studio: he was about to interview Black-Eyed Peas frontman and mega-producer Will.i.am in Chicago via Hologram. That's right, bitches. Holograms! We finally did it!
When Will, clad in his traditional steampunk cap and purple hoodie suit ensemble, appeared in the studio as if by magic, and spoke of the text message he had received from his mom, I knew that all across America other young African Americans were also receiving text messages from their mothers and fathers and grandparents. SMS networks across the country and indeed around the world were ablaze with the texts of a revolution: a man had been interviewed via hologram, and it was a black man. To his credit, Will appeared in the hologram not as the first black American to be interviewed holographically, but as the first American to be interviewed holographically who also happened to be black.
In light of this historic night, I think that we can safely say that America has entered a post-racial society of once-imaginary technological advancement. In the next few years, I see Hispanic Americans riding hoverboards; I see Muslim Americans driving flying cars; I see the children of immigrants and the children of Mayflower families playing in the clouds together with their jetpacks. And one day, when Americans of all races are beaming up for the summer to their rental units on Mars, we may even see it: a black President.
Yes we can.
Before we move on into the bright future of peace and harmony augured by Will.i.am's achievement, it's always a good idea to look back at what came before. With that in mind, here's Week 9 in BIFL:
Santonio's Blunts 84, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 49.5
Woof. A couple of weeks ago I traded Dwayne Bowe and Steven Jackson to Justin for Anquan Boldin, Isaac Bruce and Sammy Morris. I haven't used Bruce yet and Morris has been injured, but Boldin has been great. After one week of getting the upper hand of a trade, you feel like a winner, but after two weeks, you wonder if you should be feeling a little guilty. Steven Jackson, apparently eager to get into the good graces of his new owner, said that he was ready to play this week but clearly wasn't, mustering up a measly 1 point. Bowe was better, posting a respectable 8 points, but he was acquired to be a lesser complement to Plaxico Burress and Brandon Marshall, who combined had only 5 points. All of this is a roundabout way of saying that Justin's team ate some serious dick in Week 9. His opponent, the Blunts, were hardly extraordinary, but Donovan McNabb (21), Matt Forte (14), and Andre Johnson (12) were the Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida of this game: big swing states with many fantasy electoral points that put the contest out of reach.
FUBAR 81.5, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 81.5
Is there anything less satisfying than a tie? As much joy as it brings me to see the assymetry of two of those X-Y-Z records on the standings board, if the cutoff for making the playoffs was 7-6 and I found myself 6-6-1, I would probably shit a break and demand a recount or something. Let's get on setting a tiebreak system before that happens. Traditionally, bench points are used in fantasy as a tiebreaker, and that would lead Spencer (10 bench points) to take this one over Dick (8 bench points). I actually think it makes more sense, however, to look at the benches and the starting lineups and determine each team's optimal score. All of Spence's bench points came from Kolby Smith, who managed 10 points before suffering a knee injury that will apparently end his season. Put him in the line-up for Joseph Addai (4) and FUBAR has this game clearly won. Dick, on the other hand, had three bench scorers: Nick Folk (2), Hank Baskett (2), and Patrick Crayton (4). Put any of these guys in the line-up and the team's total stays the same or goes down. Ergo, Dick did the better job of managing his team this week, and thus deserves the win! Congrats, Dick! In my heart and on this blog (if nowhere else), you've got a victory.
Oh, as for real scoring in this one: CJ3(15), Bulger (14), D. Ward (14), Rashied Davis (12) for Spence. Driver (21) and E. Manning (11) for Dick. Jesus, is that all in double figures for Dick? Maybe he should lose after all.
Cholish Chachfaces 75, Egon Spengler 80
Had Mark and I tied (which looked conceivable basically until the end of Monday night's Steelers-Redskins debacle), and had we used my new ingenious tiebreaker system to determine the outcome, Chalski would have lost big time. He left a lot of points on the bench. Of course, no one could fault the Cholach for starting Marshawn Lynch (8) over Ray Rice (19), or Marion Barber (5) over Tim Hightower (18), but those decisions cost Chalski 24 points that he really could have used in this important BIFL East match-up. My own running backs, on the other hand, were the engine that drove Spengler success this week. Michael Turner (15) proved once again that he will top 100 yards as long as the defense he's playing is absolutely dickless, and Chris Johnson (21) put up another week that quietly has me shifting my early-season Burner man-love to his backfield mate (get it? man-love? backfield mate? oh my god, I'm funny) Usually rookie running backs tend to wear down as their first pro season wears on, and the small, light Johnson seems a very likely candidate for this sort of erosion, but during overtime of a Week 9 game he looked like a tank, rattling off 7- to 10-yard runs seemingly every time he touched the ball. Anyways, as was previously mentioned, Anquan Boldin (14) also had a hand in the Egon Spengler win.
Manatee Eaters 103.5, Sky Vault Centurions 96
Jesus, does anyone realize that Bernard Berrian (20) is averaging 19 fantasy points over his last four games? I would love to give Chuck a hard time and suggest that he's the recipient of some lucky success after making a homer pick, but I actually rode a similar wave of Berrian production two seasons ago into the playoffs, so I can't criticize. I can warn him, however, that a guy who gets all his points on big plays (this week: 2 catches for 104 yards and 1 touchdown) is always a threat to post an 0-fer type game, and since Chuck's likely entry into the playoffs this season will be a rare treat for him, he should know that he'll want some consistency in that part of the season. The MEaters will hope that that consistency will come in the form of Peyton Manning (20), Ronnie Brown (14) or Steve Slaton (11). The Centurions' most consistent player - and maybe the league's - has been Clinton Portis, but this week's dismal contest against the Steelers brought his weakest showing since the opener (13 points). Brandon Jacobs (19) tried to pick him up, and Jay Cutler (16) looked to be back on the horse after a lousy game against the Patriots and the bye, but their efforts weren't enough to put them past Chuck's crew.
Jeff Stryker is not really gay 106, Pet Monkey 76
Nothing makes me angrier than Shoaf having a successful fantasy team, except when he has a successful fantasy team because of Adrian Peterson, who I love to root against. So it's safe to say that following his fourth consecutive win, and with Peterson (21) posting his second-highest point total of the season, I'm full of bitterness, hatred, and vitriol. I suppose that's nothing new, though. Stryker was the league's high scorer this week, but he hardly needed to be against a lame effort by a Pet Monkey squad still recovering from last week's Hollywood rhinoplasty. Billy may now boast a cute button nose, but that's about all he'll be boasting about. Aaron Rodgers (15) and Willie Parker (13) were the only Monkey starters in double figures, and while Billy lamented his last-minute substitution of Parker-for-Norwood on the smackboard, reversing that decision would only have netted him 1 more point, which still leaves him 29 short of Will's squad.
(NB: I'm aware of the fact that Billy's "lame" point total was actually only a few lower than my own Week 9 total. But they're totally different situations. You can't even compare them. Think about it.)
Alligator Fuckhouse 104.5, Chip Lohmiller 108
This hot Dutch-on-Dutch match-up was the shootout of the week, with the dust remaining unsettled until Monday night, when Shaun Suisham's two field goals - the only scoring the Redskins did - pushed Dekker finally into winning position. Soutendijk's strong performance came from some unexpected sources, which is kind of redundant since anyone on Souts' team having a "strong performance" is, by definition, "unexpected." Anyways, Chad Johnson (15) still didn't gain much in the way of yardage, but he did catch two touchdowns in the Bengals' first win of the season. Antonio Bryant (19) and Owen Daniels (15) also chipped in, and even one of the Fuckhousers' IDPs, Darelle Revis (10) got in on the scoring action. It was all for naught, though, as Lohmiller rode a pair of old-timers (Jeff Garcia, 19, and Derrick Mason, 21) and a rookie (Eddie Royal, 12) to eventual victory.
Good to be back at full strenth. More to come on Friday or Saturday with Week 10 projections and the usual pictures of naked ladies and weird nature.
When Will, clad in his traditional steampunk cap and purple hoodie suit ensemble, appeared in the studio as if by magic, and spoke of the text message he had received from his mom, I knew that all across America other young African Americans were also receiving text messages from their mothers and fathers and grandparents. SMS networks across the country and indeed around the world were ablaze with the texts of a revolution: a man had been interviewed via hologram, and it was a black man. To his credit, Will appeared in the hologram not as the first black American to be interviewed holographically, but as the first American to be interviewed holographically who also happened to be black.
In light of this historic night, I think that we can safely say that America has entered a post-racial society of once-imaginary technological advancement. In the next few years, I see Hispanic Americans riding hoverboards; I see Muslim Americans driving flying cars; I see the children of immigrants and the children of Mayflower families playing in the clouds together with their jetpacks. And one day, when Americans of all races are beaming up for the summer to their rental units on Mars, we may even see it: a black President.
Yes we can.
Before we move on into the bright future of peace and harmony augured by Will.i.am's achievement, it's always a good idea to look back at what came before. With that in mind, here's Week 9 in BIFL:
Santonio's Blunts 84, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 49.5
Woof. A couple of weeks ago I traded Dwayne Bowe and Steven Jackson to Justin for Anquan Boldin, Isaac Bruce and Sammy Morris. I haven't used Bruce yet and Morris has been injured, but Boldin has been great. After one week of getting the upper hand of a trade, you feel like a winner, but after two weeks, you wonder if you should be feeling a little guilty. Steven Jackson, apparently eager to get into the good graces of his new owner, said that he was ready to play this week but clearly wasn't, mustering up a measly 1 point. Bowe was better, posting a respectable 8 points, but he was acquired to be a lesser complement to Plaxico Burress and Brandon Marshall, who combined had only 5 points. All of this is a roundabout way of saying that Justin's team ate some serious dick in Week 9. His opponent, the Blunts, were hardly extraordinary, but Donovan McNabb (21), Matt Forte (14), and Andre Johnson (12) were the Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida of this game: big swing states with many fantasy electoral points that put the contest out of reach.
FUBAR 81.5, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 81.5
Is there anything less satisfying than a tie? As much joy as it brings me to see the assymetry of two of those X-Y-Z records on the standings board, if the cutoff for making the playoffs was 7-6 and I found myself 6-6-1, I would probably shit a break and demand a recount or something. Let's get on setting a tiebreak system before that happens. Traditionally, bench points are used in fantasy as a tiebreaker, and that would lead Spencer (10 bench points) to take this one over Dick (8 bench points). I actually think it makes more sense, however, to look at the benches and the starting lineups and determine each team's optimal score. All of Spence's bench points came from Kolby Smith, who managed 10 points before suffering a knee injury that will apparently end his season. Put him in the line-up for Joseph Addai (4) and FUBAR has this game clearly won. Dick, on the other hand, had three bench scorers: Nick Folk (2), Hank Baskett (2), and Patrick Crayton (4). Put any of these guys in the line-up and the team's total stays the same or goes down. Ergo, Dick did the better job of managing his team this week, and thus deserves the win! Congrats, Dick! In my heart and on this blog (if nowhere else), you've got a victory.
Oh, as for real scoring in this one: CJ3(15), Bulger (14), D. Ward (14), Rashied Davis (12) for Spence. Driver (21) and E. Manning (11) for Dick. Jesus, is that all in double figures for Dick? Maybe he should lose after all.
Cholish Chachfaces 75, Egon Spengler 80
Had Mark and I tied (which looked conceivable basically until the end of Monday night's Steelers-Redskins debacle), and had we used my new ingenious tiebreaker system to determine the outcome, Chalski would have lost big time. He left a lot of points on the bench. Of course, no one could fault the Cholach for starting Marshawn Lynch (8) over Ray Rice (19), or Marion Barber (5) over Tim Hightower (18), but those decisions cost Chalski 24 points that he really could have used in this important BIFL East match-up. My own running backs, on the other hand, were the engine that drove Spengler success this week. Michael Turner (15) proved once again that he will top 100 yards as long as the defense he's playing is absolutely dickless, and Chris Johnson (21) put up another week that quietly has me shifting my early-season Burner man-love to his backfield mate (get it? man-love? backfield mate? oh my god, I'm funny) Usually rookie running backs tend to wear down as their first pro season wears on, and the small, light Johnson seems a very likely candidate for this sort of erosion, but during overtime of a Week 9 game he looked like a tank, rattling off 7- to 10-yard runs seemingly every time he touched the ball. Anyways, as was previously mentioned, Anquan Boldin (14) also had a hand in the Egon Spengler win.
Manatee Eaters 103.5, Sky Vault Centurions 96
Jesus, does anyone realize that Bernard Berrian (20) is averaging 19 fantasy points over his last four games? I would love to give Chuck a hard time and suggest that he's the recipient of some lucky success after making a homer pick, but I actually rode a similar wave of Berrian production two seasons ago into the playoffs, so I can't criticize. I can warn him, however, that a guy who gets all his points on big plays (this week: 2 catches for 104 yards and 1 touchdown) is always a threat to post an 0-fer type game, and since Chuck's likely entry into the playoffs this season will be a rare treat for him, he should know that he'll want some consistency in that part of the season. The MEaters will hope that that consistency will come in the form of Peyton Manning (20), Ronnie Brown (14) or Steve Slaton (11). The Centurions' most consistent player - and maybe the league's - has been Clinton Portis, but this week's dismal contest against the Steelers brought his weakest showing since the opener (13 points). Brandon Jacobs (19) tried to pick him up, and Jay Cutler (16) looked to be back on the horse after a lousy game against the Patriots and the bye, but their efforts weren't enough to put them past Chuck's crew.
Jeff Stryker is not really gay 106, Pet Monkey 76
Nothing makes me angrier than Shoaf having a successful fantasy team, except when he has a successful fantasy team because of Adrian Peterson, who I love to root against. So it's safe to say that following his fourth consecutive win, and with Peterson (21) posting his second-highest point total of the season, I'm full of bitterness, hatred, and vitriol. I suppose that's nothing new, though. Stryker was the league's high scorer this week, but he hardly needed to be against a lame effort by a Pet Monkey squad still recovering from last week's Hollywood rhinoplasty. Billy may now boast a cute button nose, but that's about all he'll be boasting about. Aaron Rodgers (15) and Willie Parker (13) were the only Monkey starters in double figures, and while Billy lamented his last-minute substitution of Parker-for-Norwood on the smackboard, reversing that decision would only have netted him 1 more point, which still leaves him 29 short of Will's squad.
(NB: I'm aware of the fact that Billy's "lame" point total was actually only a few lower than my own Week 9 total. But they're totally different situations. You can't even compare them. Think about it.)
Alligator Fuckhouse 104.5, Chip Lohmiller 108
This hot Dutch-on-Dutch match-up was the shootout of the week, with the dust remaining unsettled until Monday night, when Shaun Suisham's two field goals - the only scoring the Redskins did - pushed Dekker finally into winning position. Soutendijk's strong performance came from some unexpected sources, which is kind of redundant since anyone on Souts' team having a "strong performance" is, by definition, "unexpected." Anyways, Chad Johnson (15) still didn't gain much in the way of yardage, but he did catch two touchdowns in the Bengals' first win of the season. Antonio Bryant (19) and Owen Daniels (15) also chipped in, and even one of the Fuckhousers' IDPs, Darelle Revis (10) got in on the scoring action. It was all for naught, though, as Lohmiller rode a pair of old-timers (Jeff Garcia, 19, and Derrick Mason, 21) and a rookie (Eddie Royal, 12) to eventual victory.
Good to be back at full strenth. More to come on Friday or Saturday with Week 10 projections and the usual pictures of naked ladies and weird nature.
11.01.2008
NBD - Week 9 Preview
Checking in from Chapel Hill this weekend where DeYoung, Trost and I are visiting Elliott for Halloween. We were Lieutenant Dangle, Thor, 80's Rocker, and Point Break bank robber. Trost drank so much vodka that he took a nap on the lawn next to the bar we were at, which is when he lost his phone and camera. I spent the end of the night consoling him on a random street corner of Chapel Hill and trying to warm my bareass legs. We are nearly 30 years old. When does this end?Let's not think about it and just look at the week 9 match-ups.
Stadler & Waldorf (2-6) vs. Woody's Warriors (3-5)
I haven't had many chances to win this year, and probably won't for the remainder of the season, but this seems like it might be one of them. The one thing that scares me is Brian Westbrook, but I'm not gonna let that deter me from picking myself.
S&W by 5
CH Croakies (4-4) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (5-3)
The Croakies' A-Pete seems like he's probably due for a big day, and the likely success of Koehler's Kurt Warner will probably be mitigated by having Larry Fitzgerald playing for Elliott.
Croakies by 4
Chestpubes & Ballfro (4-4) vs. Burke City Giants (5-3)
Colly has a man-crush on Kevin Curtis, pretty much entirely due to having a fun way of pronouncing his name, but he'll have to play against him this week which may cause some agita. It may be that sort of internal turmoil that has led him to start JaMarcus Russell at quarterback, and will also lead him to defeat this week.
Burke City Fantasy Football Giants by 6
The Leadfarmers (3-5) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (3-5)
OK I'm tired of doing this I just want to hang out in Chapel Hill and stop writing so...
LBH by 8
Hamster Now Guinea Pig (7-1) vs. Wyld Stallyns (5-3)
Lotta red Q's on the Stallyns squad this week.
Guinea Pig by 10
Mephistopheles (3-5) vs. Tri Steeg Area (4-4)
From Cedric Benson & Warrick Dunn to Kevin Faulk & Ricky Williams. Yikes.
Tri Steeg by 13
Last week: 5-1
Overall: 32-16
BIFL - Week 9 Preview
Already Week 9? Damn this shit goes quick. Playoffs are a month away; let's see who's gonna make em:
Santonio's Blunts (2-6) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-6)
This is a game of almost no consequence, except for assessing which of these franchises has fallen further from grace since their fantasy glory days. Actually, I'm not sure that Justin ever had any glory days, but he was the commissioner for a while. I've never known Doit to go into the weekend, or even, say, Wednesday, without setting his lineup, but as of this posting (Saturday, 12:15pm) he's still got two bye weekers and one empty slot starting. For that alone,
Juse by 8
FUBAR (6-2) vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (5-3)
We're nearing the end of bye week season, but it's not over yet and these two teams are decimated by it this week with FUBAR missing Brees and Gore and Poon missing LDT and Steve Smith. As a result, this game will suck, but there has to be a winner.
Poon-Pounders by 4
Cholish Chachfaces (4-4) vs. Egon Spengler (4-4)
This should be a good match-up, with two .500 teams battling for a hopeful playoff spot in the East. Chalski will miss Philip Rivers, whose Chargers have a bye, but the Texans can't play defense so Gus Frerotte might not be as big a downgrade as he seems. Still, Michael Turner goes off on bad teams, and the Raiders are nothing if not bad.
Spengler by 9
Manatee Eaters (6-2) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (5-3)
For weeks I've been telling you that Andre's team is good and Chuck's team is not good. You think I'm gonna change my tune this week?
Sky Vault by 7
Jeff Stryker is not really gay (4-4) vs. Pet Monkey (4-4)
Read the first sentence of my Chachfaces-Spengler preview, and substitute the word "West" for "East." I noticed that Shoaf is starting Michael Bennett, and I wasn't even aware that he was still in the league, so I opened up his "News" brief to see if there was something Will knew that I didn't: "The Buccaneers may activate Bennett for Sunday's game at Kansas City, the St. Petersburg Times reports." That sounds positive.
Monkey by 13
Alligator Fuckhouse (3-5) vs. Chip Lohmiller (3-5)
I can think of almost nothing to say about these two lousy, lousy teams. Brian Westbrook will probably go nuts again this week, and I think Terrell Owens is ready to come back and have a decent performance, even against a solid Giants D.
Lohmiller by 10
Last week: 4-2
Overall: 33-15
Santonio's Blunts (2-6) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-6)
This is a game of almost no consequence, except for assessing which of these franchises has fallen further from grace since their fantasy glory days. Actually, I'm not sure that Justin ever had any glory days, but he was the commissioner for a while. I've never known Doit to go into the weekend, or even, say, Wednesday, without setting his lineup, but as of this posting (Saturday, 12:15pm) he's still got two bye weekers and one empty slot starting. For that alone,
Juse by 8
FUBAR (6-2) vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (5-3)
We're nearing the end of bye week season, but it's not over yet and these two teams are decimated by it this week with FUBAR missing Brees and Gore and Poon missing LDT and Steve Smith. As a result, this game will suck, but there has to be a winner.
Poon-Pounders by 4
Cholish Chachfaces (4-4) vs. Egon Spengler (4-4)
This should be a good match-up, with two .500 teams battling for a hopeful playoff spot in the East. Chalski will miss Philip Rivers, whose Chargers have a bye, but the Texans can't play defense so Gus Frerotte might not be as big a downgrade as he seems. Still, Michael Turner goes off on bad teams, and the Raiders are nothing if not bad.
Spengler by 9
Manatee Eaters (6-2) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (5-3)
For weeks I've been telling you that Andre's team is good and Chuck's team is not good. You think I'm gonna change my tune this week?
Sky Vault by 7
Jeff Stryker is not really gay (4-4) vs. Pet Monkey (4-4)
Read the first sentence of my Chachfaces-Spengler preview, and substitute the word "West" for "East." I noticed that Shoaf is starting Michael Bennett, and I wasn't even aware that he was still in the league, so I opened up his "News" brief to see if there was something Will knew that I didn't: "The Buccaneers may activate Bennett for Sunday's game at Kansas City, the St. Petersburg Times reports." That sounds positive.
Monkey by 13
Alligator Fuckhouse (3-5) vs. Chip Lohmiller (3-5)
I can think of almost nothing to say about these two lousy, lousy teams. Brian Westbrook will probably go nuts again this week, and I think Terrell Owens is ready to come back and have a decent performance, even against a solid Giants D.
Lohmiller by 10
Last week: 4-2
Overall: 33-15
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