NBD - Week 4 Review

First of all, let me say ketiva ve-chatima tovah to the Toobins, the Hallers, and Papkin, who celebrated Rosh Hashanah this week. Rosh Hashanah, for those of you who don't know, marks the beginning of the new year in the Jewish calendar, and was celebrated from sundown Monday to sundown Wednesday this week. Unlike the secular (or "actual") New Year, Rosh Hashanah actually has some deeper meaning beyond drinking yourself into oblivion, making out with the nearest sloppy beast at midnight, and spending the next day slaving over a hot stove to make black-eyed peas for your friend's retarded tradition, only for him to complain that they're undercooked. But I digress: as the kick-off to the High Holidays, Rosh Hashanah marks the beginning of a period of repentance for the Jewish people which concludes on Yom Kippur next Thursday. And those Jews aren't just repenting for the heck of it: they're trying to save their asses, because Rosh Hashanah is the day when God opens the three books of account, recording the names of the wicked, the righteous, and what are traditionally known as the "ech, who knows?"
For me, Rosh Hashanah meant two days off of school, most of which was spent in quiet reflection and watching Champions League soccer. But in between taking hits from blowing on my shofar, I thought about the image of G_d, sitting on his throne as the books of account are opened and each person's deeds pass in front of him, to be judged as wicked, redeemable or righteous. Something about it seemed so familiar... and then it hit me, Ronnie Mervis's power rankings! Last year I separated the teams of NBD into the righteous, the respectable, and the repellant on a weekly basis. And while I'm ot about to start doing that every week again, I thought the 4-week mark would be a good time to take stock of the league. Without further ado...
Commandant Lassard's 2008 First Quarter Power Rankings

12) Cmdt. Mauser - Stadler & Waldorf

My team is not even good enough to merit equivalence to the original Police Academy villain. No, we are the replacement villain for those years when the actor who played Captain Harris decided to do summer stock: Commandant Mauser. Going into this year without a legit top keeper option, I knew things would be bad... but I did not know they would be this bad. My top two draft picks (one of whom was a keeper that cost me an 8th-round pick) have scored a total of 32 points. I have turned Nate Burleson into Hank Baskett into David Patten into Kevin Walter. My squad has scored 50 less points than the nearest low scorer, with no real hope on the horizon. Yowzer, yowzer, indeed.
11) Capt. Thaddeus Harris - Woody's Warriors

As an acronym, WW suits this team well: the Walking Wounded. The Warriors came into this season looking to rely on Brian Westbrook and Carson Palmer; now, both are down. The supporting cast around them is middling at best: Maurice Jones-Drew has had a disappointing performance so far, and Palmer's backups are Matt Ryan and Matt Cassel, two Matts that even I passed on when I realized that Matt Hasselbeck and Matt Schaub weren't getting it done. If Westbrook comes back strong (and indeed, it didn't seem like that serious of an injury) and Woody can find a respectable QB, he'll jump up these rankings quickly. Until then, though, he's down here with the Mausers of the world.

10) Capt. Peter Lassard - Chestpubes & Ballfro

On the surface, Commandant Lassard's brother Pete seems like a good guy. He follows the code of protect and serve; he encourages the growth of the force by encouraging recruiting at the Academy; and he's played by Howard Hesseman, who was a loveable rascal first on WKRP in Cincinnati and then again on Head of the Class. But the truth is that Capt. Lassard is a guy who's only looking out for himself and how his brother Eric's successes or failures will reflect on him. Ultimately, the brothers Lassard appear the same, but scratch the surface and their ideologies are entirely different. The same is true of myself and my roommate, Joe Colly. True, we can agree that Tony Romo, LaDainian Tomlinson and Chris Johnson are good fantasy players. But Chestpubes & Ballfro, as presently configured, feature a backup kicker and a backup defense. And frankly, that is something I just can not support.9) Sgt. Proctor - Lassard Blows Harris

If Papkin is right, and Commandant Lassard really is blowing sworn enemy Captain Harris, then Sergeant Proctor is the guy hiding in the corner jerking off, a role that suits weird stalker Sam just right (see: his Sovicesque avatar; my gmail inbox). Papkin's team is actually .500, and his scoring total is not that low, so what has him down here towards the bottom of the rankings? The same thing that torpedoed Woody's Warriors: health. Willis McGahee hasn't looked 100% since the season started, and he apparently had his eyes pecked out a few weeks ago to boot. Anquan Boldin is a stud, but his head looked like a pecan in a nutcracker this weekend when he got crunched between two Jets DBs. Willie Parker has his 12th knee injury since coming into the league 3 years ago. Donovan McNabb is a ticking time bomb. If Papkin can make it through the next 5 or 6 weeks with a healthy team and a decent record, he'll have a shot, but I don't see it happening.
8) Ofc. Sweetchuck - Matt Ryan Loves Dogs

Like Officer Sweetchuck, who overcame his tiny stature and history of being picked on as a store clerk to become one of the Academy's finest cadets, Koehler has had to fight for success against the odds this season. The seeming cornerstone of the squad, Tom Brady, went down early, never to return, but Kurt Warner has been an admirable fill-in. Unfortunately, the rest of the roster is pretty unspectacular. Frank Gore has been outstanding, but TJ Houshmandzadeh and the Cincy offense have sputtered, Thomas Jones looks as ordinary as he did last year, and Roy Williams seems to lose more and more touches every week to Calvin Johnson. So while it's nice to root for MRLD, like Sweetchuck, they'll never be more than a bit player.

7) Ofc. Zed - Mephistopheles

Oddly enough, the one amongst us with an actual history in law enforcement fills the spot named after that least law-abiding of patrolmen, former gang member Officer Zed. Like Zed,though, Ray is trying to live down his past by putting together a team that might actually be decent. Drew Brees is absolutely killing it this year, and at the moment he's the 2nd-highest scorer in all of fantasy. Greg Jennings is third among receivers, and Larry Johnson has looked in the past two weeks like Larry Fucking Johnson. With support from Laveranues Coles, David Garrard, and DeSean Jackson, that's the makings of a quality squad. The only questionable aspect of Mephisto's management is his slow-growing understanding of the importance of the waiver wire (just last week he was wondering to me why it is that all of us wake up at 3:45 on
wednesday mornings to pick guys up). Lame grabs like Brandon Lloyd and Cedric Benson aren't making this team any better, but a few additions with some actual talent could turn this team into a legit contender.

6) Sgt. Laverne Hooks - Tri Steeg Area
I'll be honest, I can't think of any comparisons to draw between Kex, his team, and the diminutive, pipsqueak-voiced Sergeant Hooks. But it is funny to imagine Manning with a jheri curl poking out from beneath his police cap, speaking in a high-pitched little whisper through a megaphone. Anyways, Tri Steeg Area's got the potential for some crazy high-scoring weeks. He's got players like Terrell Owens, Lee Evans and Reggie Bush (and JT O'Sullivan?) who are capable of enormous fantasy days. Then again, they're also capable of big fat stinkers. As long as somebody different is stepping up each week, this team will keep winning games. But a couple of those stinkers on the same week, and Kex is gonna be looking awfully meek... like Sgt. Hooks?

5) Sgt. Larvell Jones - CH Croakies

When I was a kid, Michael Winslow's portrayal of Jonesy, the human sound sampler, was pretty much the be-all end-all of comedy. I mean, he could sound like anything! A siren! A squeaky pair of shoes! An alien spaceship transmission! There was nothing he couldn't do. Now that I'm older, and I've been exposed to the more nuanced and complex comedic stylings of modern masters like Will Ferrell, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Johnny Knoxville, I know that that sound effect-based humor was empty, shallow. You know what else is empty and shallow? The fantasy success of Adrian Peterson. His 420 rushing yards, 52 receiving yards, and 3 touchdowns are like a giant bag of Jolly Ranchers: they'll crank you up with a sugar rush early in the season, but you know that somewhere down the line Peterson's body is going to crumple like that empty bag of fruit-flavored hard candy and Elliott's chance at success is going to puke all over itself and pass out like an overfed kid on Halloween. Until that happens, though, it's a pretty good team.

4) Sgt. Debbie Callahan - Burke City Giants

I've always wanted to say this in a write-up about Michael Toobin's fantasy team: Sergeant Callahan had enormous tits. The Burke City Giants' stregth comes from a killer pair as well: Marshawn Lynch and Michael Turner. Thus far this season, they are number 1 (Turner) and number 7 (Lynch) in overall scoring for running backs, averaging 33 points a week between them. That's just about my weekly scoring average, total. On top of that, Michael's got Steve Slaton as his third RB, and he's been putting up some pretty big performances lately as well. Add in Reggie Wayne, who I believe will only get better as the season goes on, and this is a formidable group. Almost as formidable as those 36DDs on Sergeant Callahan.

3) Sgt. Moses Hightower - The Leadfarmers

Who better to occupy the spot named after a toughass black dude than the team named after a (admittedly fake) toughass black dude? Like Bubba Smith, the Leadfarmers' game is built on power and size. Power: Marion Barber knocking out linebackers, Brett Favre breaking fingers with his passes. Size: Plaxico Burress and Randy Moss (though he's admittedly been a disappointment) towering over defenseless cornerbacks, LenDale White bellying his way into the endzone. Obviously we're not going to see 6 touchdowns out of Favre every week, and Chris Johnson might steal more and more touches from White as the season goes on, but as long as Favre doesn't die and Barber keeps punishing instead of being punished, I see no reason that the Leadfarmers can't put a winning team out there every week (assuming Plaxico can convince his team to let him back on the field, that is).

2) Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry - Wyld Stallyns

It pains me, after years of mocking DeYoung, to put him this high in my rankings. And maybe this'll serve as just the kind of jinx he needs to knock him back down to the bottom. But like his ultra-conservative brother, Sergeant Tackleberry, DeYoung's got the big guns this season. Admittedly, these are not necessarily fantasy names that would have blown you away (get it? big guns-blown away?) last season. But 2007's average Philip Rivers and Santana Moss have turned into 2008's #3 quarterback and #2 wide receiver. The Stallyns' running back situation might not look ideal at first glance, but Julius Jones has been carrying the load surprisingly well, and Steven Jackson traditionally gets better and better as the season goes on (check out my write-up of Egon Spengler in the BIFL power rankings for some statistical evidence of this). Throw Marques Colston back in the mix in a few weeks, plus the possibility that Braylon Edwards snaps out of his coma, and this is a powerful team from top to bottom.

1) Sgt. Carey Mahoney - Hamster Now Guinea Pig

It would be hard to say whose success is more undeserved: Steve Guttenberg's or Matt Haller's. And yet here they both are, atop the rankings. Mahoney is here for his effortless cool, his calm in the face of pressure, his steady leadership of his fellow cadets, and his midriff-baring half-shirts. Haller is here for entirely different reasons, mainly Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. I've said it before, but it doesn't make it any less true, that Cutler-Marshall is this year's Brady-Moss, capable of putting up huge numbers in any given week. On top of that, Haller's got a great 1-2 RB combo going with Clinton Portis and Joe Addai and two more solid receivers in Steve Smith and Santonio HOlmes. Edgerrin James is a more than capable bench back, and now that Bobby Engram is healthy again he should be a solid fill-in as one of the only legitimate options for Matt Hasselbeck in Seattle. This is a team full of studs. I'm pretty sure I don't have a single player on my team that would start for this team, and for that Haller has achieved the coveted number one spot. The only question is, can he keep it?
I'll re-visit the rankings a few weeks down the road to answer that, and other questions. Meanwhile, I've already written pages without even addressing the week 4 slate, so let me do this quickly:

Michael Pemulis 59.88, Hamster Now Guinea Pig 95.14

A 21-point day for Edgerrin James plus 28 from Cutler-Marshall is basically enough right there to put my team away. Negative points from my top draft pick, Ryan Grant, seals the deal.

CH Croakies 103.54, The Leadfarmers 94.96

Two top teams squared off, with E getting the best of this one thanks to Adrian Peterson (21), Jason Campbell (18), and Jamal Lewis (15), whose combined efforts were enough to overcome Brett Favre's huge day (35).

Chestpubes & Ballfro 88.3, Tri Steeg Area 105.08

24 each out of Romo and LDT wasn't enough to push the rest of the under-performing Chestpubers over the well-balanced attack of Tri Steeg, featuring the Tampa Bay D (18), Earnest Graham (17), Lee Evans (17) and TO (15).

Wyld Stallyns 97.4, Mephistopheles 118.72

Mephisto breaks a 13-game losing streak thanks to huge efforts by LJ (30), Brees (25) and Greg Jennings (23). Steven Jackson's 25 gives Deezer hope for his primary back, but hope is traditionally abandoned by those entering Mephistopheles' domain.

Lassard Blows Harris 66.38, Woody's Warriors 79.02

Nothing really special here, just two mediocre teams having lame weeks against each other. And the both outscored me. [sigh] Congrats to Woody, though, for notching his first win of the season. I'm still waiting on mine. [sigh] [again]

Burke City Giants 83.96, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 74.38

Steve Slaton (18) has his second straight week as a fantasy stud gaining most of his points through the air, proving that he may be Bush Lite (or Bush Heavy, considering Reggie's relative lack of fantasy success). Jake Delhomme (20) also had a solid day, topping Koehler's high scorer Kurt Warner (18).

Woof. I've been working on these rankings for like three days now, so I'm kind of exhausted, but I'll be back tomorrow with Week 5 previews. See you then.

BIFL - Week 4 Review

You know what used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid? This.

The episodes themselves tended to be pretty silly and fun rather than legitimately scary, but the intro and outro used to have me shitting my pants, especially when I watched the show in the basement of my old house on Winnipeg Court. After watching, I'd have to walk up two flights of stairs to get to my room, and to my frightened pre-adolescent brain those stairs were exactly like the ones you descended (and then ascended) during the intro and outro of "Tales from the Crypt."
By the way, HBO, I know you're hot shit because you gave us "The Sopranos" and "The Wire" and all, but in the midst of making suckfests like "True Blood," "In Therapy," "John from Cincinnati," and the latest Hookers at the Point update, maybe you could give us something actually entertaining, like TFTC used to be. I'd watch the episode where Joe Pantoliano transplants a cat's nine lives into his (SPOILER ALERT: the cat died in the procedure! Think about the ramifications of that!) a thousand times before I'd once watch that episode of "Entourage" where it looks like Vince's career in Hollywood might be over, only to be saved by a fantastic twist of fate and some clever maneuvering by E and Ari.*
So what does a nerdy little kid sprinting up his suburban basement stairs have to do with fantasy football? Well, like 10-year-old Sovic, you too should be scared out of your mind: we're four weeks into the fantasy season, over a quarter of the way through, and you still have no idea whether your team is great or awful. You're probably 2-2 (more than half of us are), your team team will drop sixty points in a week (as Dekker's did from week 2 to week 3) and then jump sixty points the next (as mine did from week 2 to week 3). Fortunately, I am here to help assuage your fears. You may have no idea whether your team is awful or awesome, but I know exactly how good you are. And I am willing to share my wisdom with you. To that end, here are your quarterly BIFL Power Rankings...
*oh wait, that's every episode for five seasons now

12. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-2)
In preparation for these rankings, I made some notes on each roster, including strengths, holes, disappointments, surprises, and key pick-ups. Next to "strengths" in my notes for Alligator Fuckhouse, I have "???". Souts' heavy reliance on the AFC North has proven disastrous, as Jamal Lewis, Chad Johnson, Kellen Winslow, and Chris Perry have all disappointed. To salvage his season, Souts will need Deuce McAllister to explode (in a good way, not the bad way he normally does) or will need a huge pick-up off the waiver wire.

11. Skinny White Guys (1-3)
Matt Forte has been a pleasant surprise for Bardey, and Donovan McNabb has managed to stay healthy. That's about all that's gone right for Bardois this season. Ryan Grant has changed his strategy from breaking big runs and scoring touchdowns last year to nursing sore hamstrings and eating bags of dicks this year. The much-vaunted wideout trio of Andre Johnson, Santonio Holmes, and Marques Colston has been ineffective, inactive, and injured, respectively. Doit made a good move to shore up his running game by adding Earnest Graham, but he'll need a few more trades like that to be competitive.

10. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (1-3)
Having a few outstanding players can do a lot for you in fantasy. Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings are both big-day guys who can break out in any given week and win a game for you. Unfortunately, being dependent on one or two guys is usually not going to get you all the way to a championship, hence Will's tendency every year to get to the playoffs and then quickly bow out. This year, he's off to a slow start, meaning that even making the playoffs might be a long shot.

9. Juse and the Argonauts (1-3)
Let me start by saying this: Juse has an incredible set of receivers. Brandon Marshall, Anquan Boldin, and Plaxico Burress are all legit #1 receivers. But Boldin just had his head smooshed and Plax just got suspended by his own team. Julius Jones has been playing pretty decently, but I'm not really sure I see that continuing, and Willis McGahee and Darren McFadden have yet to prove that their worth their early-round selections. If those receivers get back on track once they're playing again and somebody else steps up for the Argos, this team will rocket up these rankings, but until then, he's relegated to the bottom third.

8. Pet Monkey (3-1)
Billy's team looked pretty awful to me heading into this season, but he's had a few pleasant surprises that have propelled him to a strong start. Aaron Rodgers has been a more-than-able replacement, at least in fantasy terms, in Green Bay. Santana Moss has been playing great in Washington's new West Coastish offense. And Larry Johnson has started to resemble the LJ of old. That said, I don't see a lot of other talent on this team; Rodgers just suffered a shoulder injury to his throwing arm, and LJ is in a lousy offense. So while Billy is one of the few owners with a positive record, I have a feeling it won't be positive for long.

7. Manatee Eaters (4-0)
I get confused every time I look at Chuck's team and see a picture of myself. I also get confused when I look at his roster and compare it to his record. The Eaters have had a huge disappointment this year in Randy Moss, who apparently has decided to go on strike in protest of the dirty hit he didn't see on Tom Brady. The Eaters' QB, Peyton Manning, didn't tear up his knee as badly as Brady, but he doesn't quite seem like the Peyton of old, either. One thing Chuck does have going for him is a good early record and a preponderance of running backs. Reggie Bush, Steve Slaton, Ronnie Brown, and Steve Slaton are all startable fantasy players. If he can convert them via trade into some startable receivers, he'll be a force in the playoffs. As is, though, that 4-0 start might get him to the post-season, but it won't get him through it.

6. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (2-2)
If you have LaDainian Tomlinson, you're pretty much guaranteed not to be in the bottom half of my power rankings. But LDT is not the alpha and omega of the Poon-Pounders. Laveranues Coles and Steve Smith are starting to look like the 2006 versions of themselves, especially with Coles and Favre seemingly developing a strong rapport in New York. Eli Manning is unspectacular, as ever, but I hate to say he's pretty uncraptacular as well, and as far as fantasy goes having a merely decent quarterback can get you pretty far. If Chris Cooley can start getting a piece of some of these Redskins touchdowns or Dick can find a solid RB2, this team will be a force.

5. Egon Spengler (2-2)
Here's what this team is going to need to succeed: management. Egon Spengler has got two quarterbacks (Favre and Jason Campbell) in the top 10 fantasy-wise. I've got three running backs (Michael Turner, Chris Johnson, and Steven Jackson) in the top 12, including the #1 back right now (my boyfriend). I've got no legit #1 receiver, but I've got like 8 decent ones. What I'll need to do is manage the starting lineup well. As the season goes on and I get to know my players better, that should be easier and easier. It'll probably be easiest right as I'm easing into the playoffs and another BIFL championship.
Coincidentally, I was doing a little research into my boy Steven Jackson the other day. He was starting slow and I was considering trading him. Here's what I found:
In 2007, he averaged 69 rushing yards, .25 touchdowns, and 17 rec yds in the first 8 weeks and stepped that up to 91/.5 td/26 in the next 8. In 2006, the difference was even more dramatic: 86/.375/40 for the first half, 103/1.2/59 for the second.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you fuckers know what's good for you, you won't let me and S-Jax into the playoffs.

4. Chip Lohmiller (2-2)
I think it's pretty well-established by now that the NFC East is the strongest division in football, and Dekker has a stranglehold on its fantasy superstars. Tony Romo and Terrell Owens are in one of football's most powerful offenses, and Brian Westbrook is the Eagles' offense. On top of that, Lohmiller has Chris Chambers and Eddie Royal, receivers in the two best offenses outside of the NFC East. What keeps this group out of my top 3 is question marks. Owens is starting to squawk in Dallas, and despite a few seasons of seemingly happy relations, you never know when things are going to go sour with him. Westbrook missed last week, and might be out again this week. He's never really made a full season healthy, and while missing weeks 4 and 5 isn't such a big deal for this team, missing weeks 14 and 15 will be. Eddie Royal came out like gangbusters to start the season, but with Brandon Marshall back in the picture he's returned to earth. The potential for a juggernaut is certainly there, but there are too many question marks right now.

3. FUBAR (2-2)
Drew Brees is the top player in fantasy right now. Frank Gore is the second-highest scoring running back. Calvin Johnson is establishing himself as an elite fantasy wide receiver. Joseph Addai is a sleeping giant. LeRon McClain and Felix Jones are solid bench options. I say it every year, and I'll say it again: the Frogg's team is for real. The problem is that he's got the worst luck of any fantasy player I've ever seen, regularly leading the league in close losses and points against. If he can figure out what he did to anger the gods and turn it around (I've heard that Jobu likes cigars, rum) he's got a shot at the title.

2. Sky Vault Centurions (2-2)
What I almost always like about Andre's teams can be summed up in two words: balance & consistency. He might not always have fantasy superstars on his roster, but he's got a lot of solid players who you know are gonna produce points every week. Clinton Portis fits that description; Larry Fitzgerald fits that description; Hines Ward fits that description. On top of that, he's got burgeoning fantasy monster Jay Cutler. Roy Williams has been a disappointment so far this season, but with two other quality receivers, Andre can afford to wait around and see if he regains form later in the season. When you play the Centurions, you know you're going to need a supreme performance to beat them, and for that he grabs the #2 spot. But they're still not quite...

1. Cholish Chachfaces (2-2)
Let's get something straight: Mark is a bitch. He floats around from smackboard to smackboard, starting shit, bad-mouthing players and owners, and bringing in completely irrelevant playoff baseball chatter. But though he may be a bitch, his team is scary good. It starts with that RB engine featuring two legitimate #1 backs, Marion Barber and Marshawn Lynch. Philip Rivers has quickly joined the top ranks of fantasy players this season, averaging over 20 points. The wide receiver position has been slightly disappointing, but I don't believe Reggie Wayne will be held down for long, Torry Holt may see his offense re-energized by the Rams' coaching change, and Jerricho Cotchery is catching passes from the ol' gun-slinger, whose many interceptions won't hurt Cotchery's value any. No one on Chalski's bench is scaring me right now, but as long as he keeps this core healthy and intact, I don't see a better team in the league right now.

It'll be interesting to see how the next couple weeks play out, especially with people negotiating bye weeks and the continual pile-up of injuries, and we'll re-visit the power rankings in another month or so to see how wrong I was.
Having devoted a lot of time to the rankings this week, you'll excuse me if the Week 4 write-ups are a little shorter than usual.

Egon Spengler 90.5, Juse and the Argonauts 109
I'm not sure if it's awesome or bullshit that Justin got his first win against the man who drafted his team for him, but whichever it was, it happened. Big days out of Delhomme (21), Boldin (17), Marshall (11) and Isaac Bruce (11) gave the Argos their second-highest score of the season, enough to beat a Spengler squad that left Favre's 35 and Chris Johnson's 19 on the bench.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 99.5, Chip Lohmiller 85.5
Dick didn't get the memo about Carson Palmer's injury in time to sit him, but Palmer's 0-fer was more than made up for by Laveranues' big day. Lohmiller has his own injury woes with Westbrook out and Rashard Mendenhall going down for the season in his first start. MJD (4) appears to be injured too with a case of acute cantscoreitis.

Pet Monkey 110.5, Sky Vault Centurions 84
The return of LJ and the continued strength of Santana Moss carried the day for the Monkey in this one. Andre had plenty of solid performances, but no huge days and a few stinkers by Josh Reed (4), Hines Ward (5), and Todd Heap (0).

Manatee Eaters 88, Alligator Fuckhouse 75.5
Chuck's team eats manatees, Souts' team eats shit. Jamal Lewis and Chad Johnson had their best days of the year, but at 14 and 10, respectively, those best days aren't particularly good.

Cholish Chachfaces 78, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 119.5
OK, I was trying to ignore this week's game outcomes when I wrote the player rankings for fear that they might overly influence me. Had I seen 78 points from Chalski, he probably wouldn't have gotten that #1 spot. But I still fear the Chach, and despite solid days out of Warner (18), Peterson (20) and Jennings (26), I still think Stryker are a bunch of posers.

Now that you all know where you stand and how you've done so far, let's see some trades out there! Remember, trading freezes the value of a keeper for another season, so if you've got an equivalent keeper to someone on another team, it benefits you both to make the trade. Wes Welker was a 12th-rounder for me this year: Who wants him in the same round next year when he gets Tom Brady back? Call me!

NBD - Week 4 Preview

Open scheduling begins this week, with the largest slate of teams sitting of any week of the season (Detroit, Indy, Miami, New England, New York Giants, and Seattle). That means trades, random waiver-wire pick-ups, and odd starters. But will it begin to separate the wheat from the chaff in our almost entirely 2-1 league? A lot can change in a few weeks in fantasy, and our league standings are likely to be largely determined by who manages these bye weeks the best. Here's how I see it panning out in Week 4:

Michael Pemulis (0-3) vs. Hamster Now Guinea Pig (2-1)
I really don't think I'm gonna go winless this season. Or at least I really don't want to go winless this season. But I'm looking at these two teams, and Haller's looks much, much better than mine. But Haller is starting Hank Baskett against me this week, which should entertain those of you who mocked me mercilessly for starting him earlier this season. It should get even funnier when he scores like 20 points on my head.
Guinea Pig by 12

Chapel Hill Croakies (2-1) vs. The Leadfarmers (3-0)
I played the first game of the season of NYC Co-ed Soccer's Lower East Side division last night, and let me tell you, I could have used some Chapel Hill (or any other kind of) croakies. It was rainy and humid, allowing for maximum glasses slippage, and those of you who witnessed/participated in the old Burke soccer team under the tutelage of Kaiser Wilhelm would have happily recognized the sight of me grasping around on the ground for my fallen specs while still sticking a random hoof out to try and play defense. I played goalie for the second half and literally couldn't see any time the ball went on the side of the field where the lights were. That did not keep me from gaining a clean sheet, however, as well as a 3-1 victory thanks in part to a Trost goal.
But I digress: fantasy-wise, how the fuck do these two teams have one loss between them? The Croakies' Adrian Peterson is good, when he's healthy, and the Leadfarmers' Marion Barber is a stud, but otherwise I'm not seeing a lot of talent on these teams. And though it's a bye week, Elliott doesn't really have anybody significant out this week, while Derek is missing only the Eli-Plax connection and Randy Moss, who's been shit this year. Anyways, I don't see much out of either side this week, but over the past year-plus, our league has tended more towards parity than anything else, so...
Croakies by 3

Chestpubes & Ballfro (2-1) vs. Tri Steeg Area (1-2)
This should be a good match-up, as both these teams are pretty strong (despite Tri Steeg's record) and neither is greatly affected by the bye week (Kex is missing Peyton Manning, but JT O'Sullivan should be an able replacement playing the porous Saints' D). At the moment, Colly still has a questionable Darren McFadden and Darren Sproles in his line-up over LaDainian Tomlinson and Felix Jones. He's got a bunch of wedding festivities this weekend, but I'm going to assume that he finds a few minutes to adjust his roster. Even with those guys active, though, I'm a pretty big believer in Kex's starters this week, as TO is traditionally a 'Skin-killer, Lee Evans is playing the awful Rams, and Sean Payton seems to have finally figured out how to use Reggie Bush in New Orleans. Should be a tight game, but...
Tri Steeg by 2

Wyld Stallyns (2-1) vs. Mephistopheles (0-3)
This is always one of my favorite match-ups of the year, featuring one of my oldest friends facing off against the guy who used to have to give me rides to and from his house for sleepovers. However, I've yet to see any smack talk on the message boards, comment section, or e-mail, so hopefully these two have been in contact to maintain the tradition. I'd also like to see Ray have some success and Jon have some failure, but there are some risky plays at work for Mephistopheles this week. Brandon Lloyd had a big outing last week, but he apparently also has some injury issues and also has some issues with being an enormous pussy. Rashard Mendenhall is starting, which is nice, but it's his first start ever and it's against a strong Ravens defense playing on Monday night, which is about the only time aging fucks like Ray Lewis come to play anymore.
Stallyns by 8

Sovic is 2 Girls 1 Cup (2-1) vs. Woody's Warriors (0-3)
Here are some people I don't believe in this week: Willis McGahee against a stout Pittsburgh run defense and losing goal-line touches to Leron McClain; Torry Holt, whose team sucks and is playing the red-hot Bills; and LJ Smith, who it looks like isn't playing at all. Here's some folks I do believe in: Carson Palmer getting his balls back against the Browns; Maurice Jones-Drew running all day against a lousy Texans team; Correll Buckhalter filling in respectably for Brian Westbrook. The former are all on Papkin's squad, while the latter all play for Woody. And after picking my dad and I to lose, I've got to give love to at least one of my winless brethren.
Woody by 6

Burke City Giants (2-1) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (2-1)
Michael Toobin is one of the owners most affected by this week's bye, as both his starting receivers (Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker) will be riding the pine. In their stead are Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant, a questionable tandem at best. Michael Turner is playing a legit run defense in Carolina, which doesn't necessarily mean a horrible day but probably means no 30-point outing, leaving Marshawn Lynch to carry this team - which he may very well be able to do running all day on the Rams. Then again, once the Bills have a lead, they might start handing it off to Fred Jackson. Koehler, on the other hand, has pretty much his full complement of starters, including Frank Gore, who'll need to do a lot (running and catching) to catch up with the New Orleans freight train offense.
Matt Ryan by 10

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 10-8

Here's a hot chick:

And here's some weird nature shit:

Enjoy Week 4. Beat them Cowboys!

BIFL - Week 4 Preview

With Week 4, bye week season begins, so this'll be the first time (well, other than the random Ravens-Texans week off) that we'll see last-minute pick-ups and fill-ins. Scores should drop a bit, and we might see some truly feeble performances, though it'll be hard to be feebler than Dick's Week 1 or Souts Week 3. Let's see who's really gonna eat it this week:

Egon Spengler (2-1) vs. Juse and the Argonauts (0-3)
I'll admit it: I'm deathly afraid of Brandon Marshall against the Chiefs. My only hope is that the Broncos first three touchdowns will be on pass plays to Eddie Royal or Tony Scheffler or whoever, and then the run game will take over. Otherwise, though, I like the guys I drafted for myself over the guys I drafted for Juse. Either way, I sort of win.
Spengler by 4

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (1-2) vs. Chip Lohmiller (2-1)
Fear again informs my decision here, but this time it's fear of Lohmiller's Tony Romo and T.O. beating up on the 'Skins as they did last season. If I allow that fear to govern my decisions, though, I'm letting the terrorists win, so I'm going to say the boys in Burgundy and Gold hold strong and lock 'em down a bit. Plus I like a few Iron Chef players this week, as Carson Palmer is due to get back on track against the Browns, LDT should rip apart the Raiders even with questionable health, and Steve Smith should have at least a few big plays against the Texans.
Iron Chef by 5

Pet Monkey (2-1) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (2-1)
You would think that with three players on a bye and three players ruled Out, Dr. Dre would have a hard time putting a starting line-up together this week, but in truth all his starters seem pretty legit. Josh Reed is certainly not a guy I'd want to rely on every week, but when you're playing the Rams, every offensive players is pretty much a good fantasy bet. Billy, on the other hand, is not overly affected by the bye week, but his list of opponents (Tampa Bay, Minnesota, Carolina, Dallas) is like a who's who of fantasy-killers.
Centurions by 7

Manatee Eaters (3-0) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-1)
Both these teams look pretty lame to me this week, despite their winning records. Several of Chuckles' best players are taking the week off, and several of Souts' best players are simply not very good. However, the Fuckhouse has a bunch of guys going in the Cincinnati-Cleveland game, which should be high-scoring, so I'll give it to them in a squeaker.
Fuckhouse by 2

Cholish Chachfaces (2-1) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (0-3)
Has anyone else noticed that all Jeff Stryker's IDPs are Steelers? So far as I know, Will has some Philadelphia ties, but no claim to Steelers fandom, and in fact has been to Pittsburgh only once, when we visited for some kind of Delt meeting(?) in college and stayed with my aunt. Shoaf, what the fuck were we there for? I can't really remember doing anything there. Anyways, Adrian Peterson is Questionable this week (shocker!) and Chalski's team is awesome and finally starting Philip Rivers.
Chachfaces by 14

FUBAR (1-2) vs. Skinny White Guys (1-2)
I really want to take the Gringos Flacos here, as Matt Forte, Ryan Grant, Andre Johnson, and Santonio Holmes are integral parts of other fantasy teams for me. Unfortunately, though, FUBAR's got Drew Brees and Frank Gore playing against each other, and I'm not confident in the Saints stopping the Niners or the Niners stopping the Saints, plus Lee Evans should catch 6-7 deep touchdown passes on the Rams, so I'm afraid it's a bad day for me and Bardey.
FUBAR by 7

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 14-4

Here's a hot chick:



And here's some crazy nature:

Good luck to all in Week 4, even Justin. I'm magnanimous like that, bitches.

NBD - Week 3 Review

Michael Pemulis 56.92, The Leadfarmers 89.66
In retrospect, re-naming my team after a character in a novel by an author who recently hung himself might not have been the best idea, as suicide is rarely a strong inspirational source for your average NFL player. Then again, even a long-winded, overly verbose, end-noted David Foster Wallace composition could not make any sense out of this random collection of sorry players that I call a team. A month ago I described Matt Forte as the big risk-reach of my draft, but his 22 points this week (and 14+ points per week average) were the only thing keeping this team even remotely respectable. It doesn't take much to beat these losers, but The Leadfarmers had a perfectly decent week, led by Marion Barber (20), LenDale White (17) and Eli Manning (16). Josh Scobee provided some last-minute heroics in the Indy-Jacksonville game, and had the Pemulis-Leadfarmer match-up been even remotely close, he probably would have provided the difference in this one with his 12 mighty kicker points.

Hamster Now Guinea Pig 103.76, Mephistopheles 95.54
Poor Mephistopheles. Down 0-2, at the bottom of the league in scoring, and with only a brief bit of early success last year on his fantasy resume, Ray came into this week ready to play. He got another strong start from Drew Brees (21), the first Larry Johnson sighting of 2008 (18), and even 10 points out of Marvin Harrison, which may be the first time Marvin the Martian has seen double figures since Ray traded for him mid-season last year. Unfortunately, that was not enough to overcome Matt Haller's Hamster squad, who succeeded again on the strength of the Denver Cutler-Marhsall connection (40) and a great running back 1-2 punch with Joe Addai (21) and Clinton Portis (15). Speaking of Portis: the Skins: not bad? I think we're still significantly behind every other team in our division, but with our cupcake schedule outside the NFC East (4 awful NFC West teams and at least 2 lousy AFC North teams), I think we have a decent chance at going over .500 for the season. I know this is totally un-Skins-fanly of me, but would it be alright to be happy with a team with a merely decent season?

Burke City Giants 109.74, Tri Steeg Area 68.34
You know, for having the high score, the BC Giants sure did have some clunkers this week. Jake Delhomme (4) was essentially worthless, Reggie Wayne (7) hardly looked like the 1st-round pick he was, and Wes Welker (7) is still getting yardage post-Brady, but not getting touchdowns. Michael Toobin had by far the weaker of the Bushes in this contest (Michael Bush's 6 to Reggie Bush's 25), so how did he post such a spectacular score? It's easy when you've got Michael Turner (28), who has now looked like the best RB in fantasy in 2 out of 3 starts, and Marshawn Lynch (23) who in his second season has driven his team to an unexpected 3-0 start. If this combo can continue to perform, it could erase a lot of sins for the rest of the Burke City roster. And when the rest of the team is on, the Giants will be a title contender. And what of Tri Steeg Area? Well, I already mentioned Reggie Bush's big day, and that's about all there is that's worth mentioning.

CH Croakies 66.14, Chestpubes & Ballfro 55.40
Yuck. When two teams do this poorly, what is there really to be said? Congratulations to the Croakies' Larry Fitzgerald for leading this game in scoring with 17 points, though I'm sure Elliott was happier to see the "L" next to his name than his 109 yards and touchdown. Nate Kaeding also had a big week, kicking his way to 12 points on Monday night. Colly also had some action on Monday night, as he eagerly watched his star running back for the Chargers dance his way to 87 yards and two touchdowns. Unfortunately, that star running back, LaDainian Tomlinson, was on Colly's bench, while the other Chargers RB, Darren Sproles, was in Colly's lineup with considerably inferior results. In fact, Colly left most of his big scorers (LDT, Roddy White - 18, Felix Jones - 14) on the bench this week, and it probably cost him the game. In his match-up message board (which not nearly enough of you are taking advantage of), Colly lamented that "[his] team utterly shat the bed this week," but was it really the team, Coach Colly, or was it your usage of them? Sometimes, fantasy success is about taking a long, hard look in the mirror.

Wyld Stallyns 101.78, Woody's Warriors 70.64
I spoke to DeYoung on the phone this week. This is generally not very easy to do; I usually have to call him at work (703-971-6334, just ask for the FuelPak Y2K Update Team!) to get an answer or call-back. Another benefit of speaking to Jon at work is that he can't spend half an hour talking about UVA's football program because he's got to go help the UPS guy load the truck out back. Unfortunately, our little chat this week occurred after work hours, so I couldn't avoid the life and times of Al Groh, but I did get a little extra info on the 2008 Wyld Stallyns. Although I'd written re-caps for the past few weeks, I hadn't really inspected Deezer's team in full detail; they're actually pretty good. When I remarked that it looked like a pretty solid team, DeYoung let me in on a little secret: his draft strategy this year was to draft good players in the later rounds. Imagine! If you'd told me that before the draft, I would've called you a fool (the later rounds are for shitters!), but it seems to have worked so far for the 2-1 Stallyns. We'll see if this trend catches on amongst fantasy experts in seasons to come. In the meantime, DeYoung spent this week beating down on Woody's Warriors, whose 23 points from Maurice Jones-Drew and 13 from Fred Taylor were cancelled out by an injured Brian Westbrook (1) and a hideous outing by the New England D (-4!). The Stallyns' San Diego D, on the other hand, were third on the team with 17, behind Julius Jones (20) and Aaron Rodgers (19).

Sovic is 2 Girls 1 Cup 71.54, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 101.78
What if I told you that I was 2 girls 1 cup? That I am actually both girls, and the cup, and the poop? Would that just blow your mind? Would it make the video more or less disgusting to you? These are the questions we are all forced to ponder when I'm tired and I've already written 11 game re-caps this week. Anyway, I set myself up pretty well last week for a win-win situation, when I said that I wanted Papkin to go all the way to the finals unbeaten and then get slammed in the FantasyBowl a la the 2007 Patriots. If Papkin won, I'd be one step closer to my goal; if he lost, well then Papkin lost and we're all happy. Sure enough, the latter occured as Koehler's Matt Ryan squad came up big this week. The canophiles were led by the Philly Defense (24), who utterly destroyed the Steelers' offensive line, much to Koehler's delight and Elliott's chagrin. Frank Gore (22) had another good week, further justifying the decision to keep him despite an underwhelming 2007, and TJ Houshmandzadeh (21) had his first week looking like the Housh of old. Combined with Kurt Warner (15) and Dwayne Bowe (10), that was more than enough to overcome Papkin's paltry performance, whose only real standout was the Tennessee Defense with 19.

Week 4 previews soon to come.

BIFL - Week 3 Review

I've been accused of giving Biffle the short shrift, and they have so far been the second Review/Preview written every week, so I've decided to flip the script this week and give my early attentions to my longest-tenured league.
Speaking of long-tenured, let me make a personal admission: lately, I've been feeling pretty fucking old. I don't have a problem with it: I'm not nostalgic for the "good old days" of my youth; I'm not feeling crickety or run-down (in fact, I'm in better shape now than I've been for the past 10 years or so); I don't feel any pressure to "settle down." But I've got more gray hairs all the time, I've got former students who I taught as children going into college, my memory is absolutely terrible, and I've been living in New York and teaching for longer than I lived in Charlottesville - and those four years felt like a lifetime.
Nowhere is my rapid advancement into old age more apparent than in the realm of sports - not so much in my own participation, which hasn't been particularly active since high school, but in the athletes I follow. Here's something you probably didn't hear about amidst news of the NFL, Ryder Cup, and MLB playoff hunt this weekend: Shareef Abdur-Rahim announced his retirement. For those of you who aren't NBA fans as I am, Abdur-Rahim is a guy who came into the league in '96 after only a year at Cal-Berkeley, and was almost immediately the best player on a nascent Vancouver Grizzlies team. 'Reef had his best years in Vancouver, but eventually went on to play in Atlanta, Portland, and Sacramento. His career was pretty unremarkable, except for setting a record for unremarkability: he had the most games played without a playoff appearance. The point of this is not to eulogize Abdur-Rahim; I don't even really care that he's retiring. The significance here is that I remember distinctly this guy's entire career, and that's 12 seasons in the NBA. I remember his seasons in Vancouver, thinking that he was gonna be one of the top 5 players in the Association for a long time (I have a weakness for power forwards with good post moves). I remember his trade to Atlanta, when it seemed brutally unfair that a guy who languished so long on such an awful team could somehow move to an even more awful team. I remember his brief stint on the Blazers, when he was one of the few likeable players on my once-favorite team. And I remember him as a crafty veteran for the past few seasons on a sub-par Sacramento Kings team (think a poor man's Antonio McDyess in his current Pistons stint). And now he's done. The start and end of a dozen years as a professional athlete, and I was basically an adult for both of them. That is getting old.
So what's all this SA-R business have to do with fantasy? Well, when I look at the top scorers in fantasy so far this season, part of me wants to say "well these are all just early-season deviations and I'm sure soon enough the Mannings and Tomlinsons and Mosses will be back near the top." But maybe these guys aren't just having down-weeks, and maybe they're not having injury problems. Maybe they're just old, and on the downside of their careers.
I can barely remember my first season of fantasy football: I inherited an already-drafted team and maybe checked my line-up once a week (a far cry from writing a 5,000-word blog entry about it). But I do remember that I had a rookie named LaDainian Tomlinson, and though there wasn't a ton of buzz about him league-wide yet, I got to see the kind of stats he was putting up each week and saw the beginning of an incredible career. Now I find myself wondering: is this just a toe injury, or is this the beginning of the end? Chances are, LDT will still be a productive running back for a few years to come, but given the lifespan of an average NFL rusher, the end of his Hall of Fame career is probably in sight. And when it's gone, that's one more career I'll have seen from start to finish. And that'll be just one more sign that I am fucking old. And you fuckers are, too.*

*and Will and Juse and Mark are really old.
Wow, that went from a simple fantasy intro to a meditation on my quarter-life crisis. Um, let's re-cap some games before I start crying.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 100.5, Juse and the Argonauts 86.5

As advertised on their smack board, this was a battle for the basement of the Western division, although thanks to how disgracefully bad Will's team is, neither team actually ended up at the absolute bottom of the standings. Dick actually had a very solid week on the strength of LaDainian Tomlinson's first big showing of the year (20 pts). That performance was part of a 38-point Monday night (with Laveranues Coles' 13 and David Harris' 5) that brought the Poon Pounders roaring back on an Argonauts team that could only watch helplessly as their Sunday lead dissipated into nothing. When you're 0-3, it's always nice to look for a bright side, and there are a few for Juse: Brandon Marshall (23) is already the third-highest scoring wide receiver this year, and he's only played in two games to everyone else's three. Julius Jones (22), who I had assumed was just about done as a fantasy factor, has parlayed the Seahawks receiveritis epidemic and a Maurice Morris injury into two unexpectedly outstanding weeks. Unfortunately for the Big Fancy F, nobody else really stepped up this week.

Egon Spengler 122, Pet Monkey 114
If Pet Monkey were a student in my class, I would say to him what I have said to so many students over the years: "!Ay, pobrecito!" The phrase is roughly equivalent to Livia Soprano's "Aw, poor you!" (about 5 mins in) in perfectly expressing the false compassion I feel for Billy in being the 2nd-highest scorer of the week - by a wide margin, no less - and still losing. But unfortunately for Billy, that's what you get when you step to the Spengler. The big boy again for us this week was Michael Turner (30), but he got a healthy dose of support from TJ Housh (22) in his 2008 breakout and free agent pick-up Anthony Fasano (12). Monday night was a bit of a nail-biter for me, with Billy's Nate Kaeding (13), Chansi Stuckey (10) and Antonio Gates (8) edging him ever closer to me, but Brett Favre's 18-point performance, despite the picks, kept me ahead. As for Roddy White (21), Aaron Rodgers (20), Larry Johnson (20), and Santana Moss (13), I have another common teacher comment: "Good Effort!"

Alligator Fuckhouse 45.5, Sky Vault Centurions 98.5
Coming into this week, Alligator Fuckhouse was 2-0 to the Centurions' 1-1, but Souts' victories had come at the expense of two weak outings, including Dick's historically bad Week 1 performance and my completely aberrant Spengler showing in Week 2. Meanwhile, Andre was averaging over 100 points a week. The fantasy gods will only hide such inequities for so long, and this week proved it (unless of course you're Spencer, in which case the fantasy gods will fuck you again and again and again). The Fuckhouse turned in a putrid performance, with only Trent Edwards (11) reaching double figures. The Centurions, on the other hand, laid a solid foundation with their offensive big guns (Fitzgerald-20, Cutler-16, Portis-13), but really secured the victory with defense (Antoine Winfield's 10) and special teams (Robbie Gould's 12).

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 58.5, Manatee Eaters 85
Of course, the big story in the NFL this week was Ronnie Brown's return from obscurity to have an utterly huge day, running for 4 touchdowns and passing for another. The big fantasy story is that nobody actually played him, including Chuck who left his 43 points on the bench. If he had played Brown, instead of, say, Edgerrin James (8), he might have actually squared or cubed the score of his opponent, the lowly Jeff Stryker is not really gay. Following the untimely death of 1st-round pick Laurence Maroney and the mysterious disappearance of Braylon Edwards (2), the only person left carrying the Jeff Stryker standard is Adrian Peterson. And in weeks like this one, where AP fails to go crazy (7), there's little chance of success for Shoaf. Meanwhile, Chuck's active players didn't do nearly as much as his bench, but 24 from Reggie Bush, 9 from Peyton Manning, and 8.5 out of IDP DeMeco Ryans were enough to put him well overtop Will's batch of losers.

Skinny White Guys 53, Cholish Chachfaces 89
Like his fellow Manhattanite Souts, Bardey had a dreary Week 3, with the Skinny White Guys only barely surpassing the Fuckhouse's meager output. A brief perusal of the scoreboard reveals that Matt Forte (20) is responsible for nearly forty percent of that paltry score, so without the Bears' standout rookie, we're talking about a truly ugly fantasy performance here. Mark had a fine week, I suppose, with that Barber-Lynch 1-2 punch (23 and 21 pts, respectively) carrying him once again. But then, at 6:26 on Monday evening, everything changed when Mark made the fateful decision to post a message on my game's smackboard. That simple act was ballsy and stupid enough, but what's worse is that Chalski had the temerity to question the early-season dominance of one Michael Xavier Turner, suggesting that his success had been the result of weak opponents, rather than his equine heritage and the steady support of his lover, waiting patiently for the end of the season in his lonely little room in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. From that moment forward a dark cloud descended on the Chachfaces' season. If you've got any of Chalski's players in other leagues, I suggest you trade them soon for cents-on-the-dollar, for a terrible and frightful fate surely awaits them all.

Week 9, Marcus. Week 9.
(By the way, keep this quiet, because we don't want Mark to hear, but he's got Philip Rivers, the only player currently ahead of Turner in fantasy scoring, on his bench. I guess he feels better with Matt "My receivers were homeless yesterday, and my spine will be tomorrow" Hasselbeck. Shhhhh!!! Don't tell!)

FUBAR 93.5, Chip Lohmiller 71
Who the fuck is Cortland Finnegan? I mean, I don't expect to know every single IDP we've got in this league, but I watch a shitload of football coverage, and presumably the top IDPs are actually good defensive players who would stand out in a game, but I've definitely never heard of Cortland Finnegan, a defensive back for the Titans who supplied FUBAR with 11 points this week. Although his name stands out to me for its unfamiliarity, there were a few names I knew well Fucking Chip Lohmiller Up Beyond All Recognition this week. Drew Brees and Frank Gore went for 24 points each, aided by Kevin Boss's 11. And despite leaving Joe Addai's 20 on the bench, Spence achieved a relatively easy victory over Dekker, whose NFC East connection let him down. Romo-Westbrook-Owens combined for a mere 16 points this week (most of that being Romo), leaving Maurice Jones-Drew (23) as the lone bright spot for Lohmiller. After leaving early in the game in Week 3, Westbrook could be out or looking at a lighter load next week, but Dekker should easily plug the hole with Rashard Mendenhall, who'll be getting his first NFL start with Willie Parker down.

Whew. That was a god damned novella. Back in a few with Week 4 predictions.

BIFL - Week 3 Preview

This is gonna have to be quick. It's 12:50, I'm in bed, and my head is killing me. Fucking sake bombs.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon vs. Juse and the Argonauts
Juse's guys are healthy. Dick's are not.
Juse by 5

Egon Spengler vs. Pet Monkey
Hollywood is a bitch.
Spengler by 8

Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Sky Vault Centurions
I can't believe Souts beat me last week. I feel dirty.
Centurions by 6

Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. Manatee Eaters
AP might be hurt. Who's Andre Hall?
Manatee by 4

Skinny White Guys vs. Cholish Chachfaces
I can't even make comments anymore my head hurts so much.
Chachfaces I guess

Chip Lohmiller vs. FUBAR
Spencer fix your logo, ass.
Lohmiller by 9 or so.

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 10-2
I'm gonna go puke.