NBD - Week 6 Review

In case anyone didn't continue checking in on the comments section after making their own last week, I wanted to update everybody on the issues I brought up in last week's post.

For this year:
1) Defensive and Special Teams scoring will remain as is for the rest of the season, meaning that your defenses will only be earning defensive points, and kickoff/punt touchdowns or fumbles will be credited to the individuals that achieve them.

2) The waiver wire is apparently working fine. I will continue to get whatever awful players I want every week.

For next year:
1) The idea of a waiver wire auction system has been roundly rejected and shall never be spoken of again.

2) The most universally-supported system of selecting draft order next year appears to be the lottery system, where the draft order will be drawn out of a hat where the lower-placed teams have more names in the hat (12 names for last place, 11 names for 2nd-to-last, etc). I have literally no statistics education, so if there is a better distribution pattern I should be following and you're aware of it, let us know. If you're ear the bottom and thinking of tanking (good luck getting by me!) keep in mind that teams that tank in the NBA have traditionally been karmically screwed and the team with the best odds in the lottery almost never wins it. I very much like DeYoung's suggestion that the lottery order will allow you to pick your spot in the draft, rather than locking you into a certain position. However I should note that when we did something similar in another league a few years back, pretty much everyone ended up taking the spot they were in anyway.

OK enough rules discussion, let's look at the games:
Stadler & Waldorf 82.54, Lassard Blows Harris 87.90
[sigh]
[enormous, breathy sigh, laden with the weight and sorrow of a man who's spirit, already near its very nadir, was briefly supported by a gentle breeze from below, only to be thrown down once again with brutal and indifferent force by the hand of fate, to be wracked upon the ruins at the very depths of despair]
I really thought I had it this week. First of all, let me say this: Stadler & Waldorf did a lot of things right in Week 6. Mid-week waiver wire pick-up Matt Ryan (16) had the best fantasy week of his young and promising fantasy career. My wide receiver strategy of playing both Texans receivers against the lousy Miami secondary paid off to the tune of 32 points (22 for Andre Johnson, finally looking legit the last 2 weeks, and 10 for Kevin Walter). And Matt Forte (17) continued to be the MVP of this squad - although admittedly that's like being the prettiest pig at the fair - and our main source of hope for the future. Going into Monday night's game, I had Brandon Jacobs and the Giants' Defense going against Kevin Boss, needing to outscore him by 15 points. Considering Jacobs' 14 ppg average, the Giants D's 7.8 ppg average, and Boss' 4.6 ppg average, this hardly seemed like a lot to ask. Jacobs (13) basically held up his end of the bargain, and likely would have had a few more points if the Giants had been able to run it out late, as you would have expected with them taking on the previously lame Browns. But the Giants Defense got completely stomped, ending up with -1 points. To them, and to Le'Ron McLain (-2), I say: fuck you, you motherfucking ass warts.
To Papkin, I say: I give up, dude. You win. As long as I continue to hate on you in these write-ups, as long as I continue to point out the fallacies of logic and incoherence of your e-mails, as long as I continue to argue with you over the slightest details and mundanities of this game, our mutual shared obsession, I seem fated to go nowhere. And so, I throw in the towel. Congratulations on your win. Strong performances by Donovan McNabb (19), Vincent Jackson (19), Ronnie Brown (15), and Joe Nedney (15). Best of luck in the weeks to come.
CH Croakies 77.22, Wyld Stallyns 87.22
I mentioned earlier that Andre Johnson, a top pre-season receiver pick, had been a huge disappointment this season up until last week. Apparently, he must have trained in the off-season with Braylon Edwards, DeYoung's top point-scorer this week (23). Edwards' performance on Monday night netted him considerably more fantasy points than he had picked up in his first four games combined, and he certainly looked like the Braylon of last year, breaking off big plays and several times forcing Aaron Ross to bite so hard on a move that he simply fell over. The only other outstanding showing this week for the Stallyns came from Aaron Rodgers, who is either not really bothered by his shoulder problems or is just so damned determined to prove he is a worthy successor to toughguy Favre that he's willing to play until his arm falls off.
Elliott got some decent weeks out of Jamal Lewis (15), Larry Fitzgerald (14), and Nate Kaeding (12), but when Adrian Peterson, on whom E relies for a significant portion of his scoring, scores less than 7 points, three decent showings by the other guys is rarely going to produce a victory.

Chestpubes & Ballfro 75.34, Hamster Now Guinea Pig 83.88
Can we go ahead and call Clinton Portis the best player in fantasy right now? Even on a Sunday when the Skins suffered a truly horrendous loss (and I really don't want to get into it but I probably won't be able to avoid it writing 2 league reviews and 2 league previews this week), he contributed a monster game with 26 fantasy points, 2nd-most by any player. Not only does he lead all RBs in total scoring this season, but he has done it consistently, without any real clunkers like Reggie Bush and Michael Turner have. His points were desperately needed, too, as two of Haller's other starters, Bobby Engram and Joseph Addai, combined for 0.3 points. The other big step-ups for the Hamster crew this week were Marcedes Lewis (12) and Jay Cutler (14). Ballfro had some big days as well, getting 17 points from Roddy White and 23 from Tony Romo. But that was hardly enough to overcome mediocre-to-poor performances from the rest of the team, and with Romo down for the next month Colly will find himself in search of a new quarterback this week. This is probably why you keep some decent reserves on the bench, rather than extra kickers and defenses.

The Leadfarmers 67.46, Tri Steeg Area 113.04
Wow. This was a blowout.
In my preview of this game, I noted that the Manning brothers (Peyton and Eli, not Kevin) would be squaring off in this game, and that Eli would clearly have the better fantasy day. Well, I was wrong on two counts, as Derek started Brett Favre (7) rather than Eli (10), and Peyton (23) had a far better day than either one, decimating what had been a rather vicious Ravens defense. Peyton's big outing was just the beginning of a big day for the Tri Steeg, with the Tampa Bay Defense (21), Bernard Berrian (19), and Reggie Bush (18) all coming up huge. And even with nearly the top score in the league this week, Kex's crew actually could have been even better, having left Michael Pittman's 13 points on the bench.
The Leadfarmers, on the other hand, are on the shneid with three straight losses and their second straight week below 70 points. Are Brett Favre's early-season heroics over? Has Chris Perry completely outlived his usefulness? Was Randy Moss' big week last week a return to form or a one-week aberration? What will the changes in Dallas mean to Marion Barber's production? These are the questions that must keep Derek awake at night. And if not, at least they give me something to write about.

Burke City Giants 73.68, Mephistopheles 78.80
Last year, the DadBowl was decided by barely more than a point, setting the stage for a spirited rivalry for years to come. This year's contest wasn't quite as close, but it was still a good match-up that evened the series. There were a lot of very middling performances for both of these squads this week, even from previously proven studs like Michael Turner and Steve Slaton for Burke City (5 & 6, respectively) and Laveranues Coles and Cedric Benson (6 & 0, respectively). OK, Cedric Benson is not a "previously proven stud," he actually sucks, but I like to point out that my Dad thought he was going to be solid this week. Anyways, the one big standout performance this week came, once again, from Mephisto's Drew Brees (26), who is arguably competition for Portis as fantasy player of the year so far. Like Portis, Brees has not only been outstanding, he's been consistently outstanding, with only one week below 17(!) points back in week 2 when he played the Redskins. And all this with various injuries to some of his top receivers, Marques Colston, Jeremy Shockey, and David Patten. With some of those guys coming back in the next couple weeks, it'll be interesting to see if Brees can go even bigger. If he does, and if Greg Jennings (14) can continue to play well, Ray's Devils may be as big a post-season factor as the Devil Rays.

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 103.14, Woody's Warriors 113.54
Having started Matt Ryan this week and owning Michael Turner and Roddy White in other leagues, I am ready to declare solidarity with Koehler as an (admittedly bandwagon) Atlanta Falcons fan this year. I am hoping he can teach me the Dirty Bird the next time I see him. So it makes me sad to see that MRLD put up a pretty excellent performance this week and yet still couldn't pull out a victory. The biggest suprise for Koehler had to be Thomas Jones (26), whose three touchdowns gave him what was likely his biggest fantasy performance ever. Frank Gore (18) was solid in the run game as well, and defense and special teams chipped in with 32 combined points out of the Philadelphia Defense and kicker Jason Elam. But that was not enough to top the even bigger running back day by Woody's Warriors. Maurice Jones-Drew and Correll Buckhalter provided a combined 52 points this week, and together with David Akers (16), Kyle Orton (15), and Calvin Johnson (13) - who was actually questionable heading into the game - they were the top-scoring Week 6 team. I actually predicted that this game would be a high-scoring contest, and foresaw a double-digit margin of victory, but I certainly didn't expect for the victors to be led by names like Buckhalter, Orton, and Akers. Well done, Woody.

So that does it for Week 6. I'd like to note that, for the second straight season, we seem to have achieved a pretty high level of parity here in Native Burke Dwellers. At nearly the half-way point of the season, 8 teams (2/3 of the league) are at 3-3, with only Manning and myself looking significantly better/worse than the rest of the league in terms of scoring (I'll let you figure out who's who). In the next few weeks I'll look back to the pre-season to reflect on my post-draft comments (I'm guessing there's a lot of stupidity to be reviewed there) and update my power rankings.

Oh also, The Pick-Up Artist is back for another season on VH1. I highly recommend it.

And if you were interested in that super-slo-mo show I mentioned last week on DiscoveryHD, it turns out it's on Wednesday nights, not Thursdays. It's called Time Warp, and it looks awesome.

BIFL - Week 6 Preview

I woke up this morning nearly on top of my laptop. Normally when that happens, it's because I've gotten overly excited about internet porn and attempted to hump my computer, but I believe the cause last night was that I had the brilliant idea to try to write a blog post and make my predictions while I was hideously drunk. Fortunately, it takes my computer a couple minutes to start up and connect to our wireless, and I think those few minutes were enough for me to pass out. Anyways, here are my non-drunk, slightly hungover predictions for Week 6.

Oh also, I'm heading back out to bars to watch today's games, and I'm leaving before noon, so Will: please check and see if Roddy White is gonna play for my Uberleague team today, and if not, check on Anthony Gonzalez's status. If neither is gonna start, please add Antwaan Randle El to my roster and start him. You can drop Laurence Maroney. He's a fucker.

Juse & the Argonauts (1-4) vs. Manatee Eaters (5-0)
At 1-4, Juse's team would seem to be much, much worse than the undefeated Eaters, but looking at the rosters, the difference doesn't seem quite that stark to me. Juse's Willis McGahee is pretty worthless, what with all his injuries and Le'Ron Mc'Cla'in around, but if he's ever gonna have a big week, it'll be this one against the Colts. And Chuck's Peyton Manning is pretty solid, but will probably struggle against the solid D of the Baltimore. Juse still has that nasty wide receiver group, and Chuck is starting Bernard Berrian. You know what? Let's give it to the underdog.
Arghhhonauts by 5

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (3-2) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (3-2)
Clinton Portis and Brandon Jacobs going against the Rams and Browns, respectively, looks pretty damn unstoppable to me. A probably LDT and a questionable Laveranues Coles seem relatively more stoppable. As far as stopability goes, I have to give the edge to Andre.
Centurions by 8

Egon Spengler (2-3) vs. Chip Lohmiller (2-3)
One of these teams is gonna come out of this contest 2-4, and that doesn't seem right. These are decent teams. Unfortunately I think it's gonna be me. Here's who I'm afraid of this week: Tony Romo against Arizona (6th in points given up to QBs), MJD against Denver (3rd in points given up to RBs), TO against Arizona, and Shaun Suisham against St. Louis (3rd in points given up to kickers). That's right, I'm afraid of a kicker, but that's probably appropriate when you're about to lose to Chip Lohmiller.
Lohmiller by 9

Pet Monkey (3-2) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (3-2)
Billy has four potential starters on Byes this week (Larry Johnson, Ben Roethlisberger, LenDale White, Willie Parker) and as of this posting he's starting a receiver who's definitely out (Reggie Brown) and another who's questionable (Roddy White). I feel like I don't even need to look at Mark's roster to confidently pick him as the winner. So I won't.
Chach by 6

I'm watching SportsCenter right now and Hannah Storm is doing her weekly segment with Emmitt Smith. Emmitt just picked Clinton Portis as his RB-to-watch this week... and then promptly forgot what team he played for. This guy is a fucking moron. How does he still have a job?

FUBAR (3-2) vs. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-3)
Soutendijk's team is awful. And if he goes to Landsdowne today instead of Off the Wagon, I'm pretty sure I'm officially de-friending him. Congrats, Spence. You are the beneficiary of my personal dislike for Steve.
FUBAR by 12

Skinny White Guys (2-3) vs. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (1-4)
Will wonders aloud on the smackboard why these two teams suck this year. My guess is that it has something to do with starting guys like Warrick Dunn, Steve Breaston, and Vincent Jackson. For Bardey, it probably has to do with how big of a disappointment Ryan Grant has been. Despite their mutual suckiness, I must pick a winner. I predict that this is the week that Adrian Peterson blows up for like 40 points, and next week is the week he actually blows up, leaving little specks of purple, yellow and black all over Soldier Field.
Jeff Stryker by 4

Last week: 4-2
Overal: 20-10

Drool on this:

But look at what can happen to it:



Good luck to all in Week 6, except for Dekker, who I hope gets a hernial growth in his jaw.

NBD - Week 6 Preview

Your Week 6 bye teams are: Buffalo, Kansas City, Tennessee, and Pittsburgh, which means you'll be missing maybe one respectable fantasy quarterback and maybe two quality fantasy receivers. Running backs might be a scramble, however, with Marshawn Lynch, Larry Johnson, Chris Johnson, and LenDale White all sitting. Our games:

Stadler & Waldorf (1-4) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (2-3)
I both look forward to and dread this match-up every year, as nothing would give me more pleasure than to beat Sam. And yet, my team is atrocious, so the odds of it happening are relatively slim. This week, for example, I appear to be starting two Houston Texans receivers. Why? I have no idea. They're playing the Dolphins, who are second-worst in the league at giving up fantasy points to receivers (where does he get these wonderful stats?), so that's a positive, I guess. Still, not a lot of confidence for me playing against the reborn Ronnie Brown, the recovered Justin Fargas, and Donovan McNabb, who'll have nothing to do but pass against the 49ers as Brian Westbrook sits with broken ribs.
LBH by 3

CH Croakies (3-2) vs. Wyld Stallyns (2-3)
The Redskins should beat the living shit out of the Rams this Sunday, but with Jason Campbell on Elliott's team and Santana Moss on DeYoung's, the fantasy results of that may negate each other in this game. Instead, the difference-maker should be E's Adrian Peterson playing a helpless Detroit Lions defense, whereas Jon's Steven Jackson should be relatively bottled up by London Fletcher-Baker et al.
Croakies by 8

Chestpubes & Ballfro (3-2) vs. Hamster Now Guinea Pig (4-1)
Colly's roster has a lot of red on it, with possible sits for Roddy White, Darren McFadden and LaDainian Tomlinson. I'm sure LDT will play against his hated Patriots, but I'm not so sure about the other two, and even in McFadden plays he'll be losing touches to the returning Fargas. Haller, on the other hand, has Cutler-Marshall playing at Mile High against a not-as-stout-as-usual Jax defense and Clinton Portis against the hapless Rams.
Hamster by 9

The Leadfarmers (3-2) vs. Tri Steeg Area (2-3)
I think these guys have some kind of pact to try and piss me off, because as of Saturday afternoon Derek has a starter with a bye week (LenDale White) and Manning has an empty spot in his starting line-up (TE). Educated guessing tells me that Derek will be plugging that whole with the useless Chris Perry, whereas Manning has Owen Daniels and a questionable Kellen Winslow as options at tight end. This game also features the Manning brothers going against each other, and I've heard various football pundits discussing who is the better Manning brother this season. Fantasy-wise, this week, it'll be Eli playing the Browns, not Peyton playing the Ravens. But I still give the edge in this one to the Tri Steeg.
Area by 5

Burke City Giants (4-1) vs. Mephistopheles (2-3)
The second annual DadBowl! I hope these two can get a break from Arts & Crafts time this sunday to head down to the rec room of their nursing home and watch the games. Don't go in there to visit without ear plugs, though. These old deaf fuckers turn the volume up LOUD. What they're likely to see is a pretty ugly game. Michael's RB opponents are all amongst the league's best at shutting down the run game, and Ray's RBs (Warrick Dunn and Cedric Benson) simply have no run game to shut down. If it comes down to WRs, Michael's big boy Reggie Wayne is going up against the solid Ravens' D, whereas Mephisto's Greg Jennings takes on a porous Seahawks secondary.
Luciferians by 7

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (3-2) vs. Woody's Warriors (1-4)
As I noted in the Week 5 Review, Woody's team gets closer and closer to overtaking mine for worst in the league every week, and with Calvin Johnson now following Brian Westbrook to the trainer's room, this could be the week he completes the takeover. Koehler's team looks better to me at almost every position, and neither MRLD nor the Warriors have any particularly frightening defenses on their opposition list. Should be high-scoring, and a blowout.
SPCA by 12

Last week: 6-0! Thanks to my late switch in support of Chestpubes. Well done, Will Ferrell.
Overall: 20-10

God damn these half-Japanese girls:
And these semi-retarded pigs:

Good luck to all in Week 6, except for Papkin, who I hope gets mauled by said semi-retarded pigs.

BIFL - Week 5 Review

As you will hear about in a bit, my team lost this week, dropping us to 2-3. 2-3! This is a team that still has the cornerstone of their 2006 & 2007 championship teams, Steven Jackson; the top running back in the league, Michael Turner; and two of the top 10-scoring quarterbacks. And now we have the same record as Alligator Fuckhouse, a team that has twice failed to top 50 points, and has only once topped 80. It seems so unfair, and so unlucky.
We are all well aware of the luck aspect of fantasy football. There are always teams that score a ton and yet perpetually seem to just barely lose, while some other schmuck sports a winning record with a team full of shitbirds. This season, for example, the afore-mentioned Fuckhouse squad is pretty miserable, but their opponents have scored a mere 339 points (68 points a week), well below the league average. Justin's opponents, by contrast, have scored 540 points, meaning that the Argonauts have needed 108 points a week just to be competitive. Seems unfair, but it all evens out in the end, right? I decided to do some research to find out.
I went back through our league history, looking at Points Against for every year we have records (2004 to the present). Over the 4+ years of our league so far, the average weekly score is 91.92 points, meaning in any given season we should expect about 1,195 points to be scored against us in the regular season. If Justin continues on his current course, he'll end up with 1,404 points scored against him. That would be bad, but it would not be the unluckiest season ever: that distinction belongs to Spencer. Last season, Spencer had 1,423.5 points scored against him, and that was a pretty huge statistical outlier. Other than that, only two teams have ever even had more than 1,300 scored against them, and those were both back in 2004 (Chalski and Will), our highest scoring season. The luckiest season, on the other hand, belongs to 2007's Dekker team, which had a mere 943 points scored on it. Like with Spence's record-setter, that is truly an exceptional performance: only three other teams in history have had less than 1,100 scored against them (Schank and Rousseau in 2006, Dekker in 2005). In general, the statistics even out far more than that, but there are still winners and losers in terms of luck in BIFL. Without further ado, I give you the unluckiness quotient for each franchise in BIFL history:
Team Average Points Against
Dekker 84.22
Schank/Souts 85. 37
Dick 89.87
Sovic 90.25
Juse 90.68
Chuck 91.70
Bardey 92.86
Dre 93.61
Shoaf 94.87
Jones(!) 95.5
Billy 96.47
Chalski 97.57
Congratulations, Chalski! As you've long suspected, you are the unluckiest owner in the history of BIFL. But at least you're only a little unluckier than your nearest competitors in unluckiness. Dekker and Schank/Souts, on the other hand, seem to be significantly luckier than anybody else in the league. And yet neither has ever won the league, despite this incredible good fortune. And I've won it twice! I guess ultimately, luck is no substitute for talent. Let's take a look at who was lucky and who was talented this week:

Sky Vault Centurions 122, Juse and the Argonauts 64
Juse's unluckiness quotient for this season may have been a little skewed by the beating he took from Andre this week. I can't imagine the explanation for why Andre benched Clinton Portis (23), one of this season's top backs, in favor of Jonathan Stewart, but clearly it didn't matter. Brandon Jacobs (27) scored enough for two RBs. Dre's receivers were no slouches either, with Larry Fitzgerald, Hines Ward, and Roy Williams combining for 41 points. The Argos' had a big day from a receiver as well, getting 16 from Isaac Bruce. Bruce has now averaged almost 13 points over the last four weeks, and is improbably looking like the fantasy factor he was back in the Greatest Show on Turf days. With only Jake Delhomme (17) matching his scoring, however, his return to greatness is being largely wasted on this Argo squad.

Egon Spengler 80, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 91.5
With all this luck talk going about, perhaps I should count myself lucky that Dick left DeAngelo Williams' 34 points on the bench this week. Then again, I still lost, so who the fuck are you to tell me I should feel lucky, asshole? Anyways (as if you deserve any explanation), I actually thought I had a chance going into Monday night's game. Dick had put up a reasonably decent week thanks to Eli Manning (18), Chris Cooley (18), and Donald Driver (14). I was 15 points down after Sunday night, sure, but I had Robert Meachem and Will Smith going for New Orleans, and considering the Saints' high-flying offense, 60 yards and a touchdown for Meachem and 5-6 tackles from the Fresh Prince didn't seem that much to ask. Well, early on Meachem dropped a pass that could've gone for a touchdown, and from then on Drew Brees gave him the cold shoulder, effectively ending my chances for the week.

Manatee Eaters 131.5, Pet Monkey 70.5
Agh! Chuck's team had a frighteningly good week, outscoring Hollywood Meyers by more than 60 points. The lowest offensive scorer (and the only one not in double-figures) for the Eaters was DeSean Jackson (7), which is to be expected considering he was going up against the unstoppable juggernaut that is the Redskins. How about those Redskins, by the way? Do you think Chuck and Billy would be upset if, instead of talking about their game or their teams, I just spent the entire write-up talking about the Redskins? I can't really recall either of them ever commenting on the blog here, so either they don't read it, or they're just a couple of lazy fucks who read without truly appreciating it. Either way, fuck em. The Redskins have been the shit so far this season (well, except for that first game). Our left coast offense is efficient and consistent (Zorn!). Our defense is tough and spirited. Our media-friendly players, Clinton Portis and Chris Cooley and, increasingly, Jason Campbell, are the best in the league at being outlandish without being annoying (take notes, Chad Ocho Cinco). Fuck me I love Eastern Motors. Hip hip hooray.

Alligator Fuckhouse 48, Cholish Chachfaces 63
Ugh. Maybe I should have saved my Redskins rant for this write-up, because there sure isn't a lot to say about the scoring in this game, besides the fact that there was none. Soutendijk is on his way to a historically bad season. This week he had only two players, a linebacker (Patrick Willis, 11) and a kicker (Ryan Longwell, 14) in double digits. Beyond that, no one got even higher than 5 points. Granted, his top running backs had the week off, but it's not like you're going to expect a huge output from Jamal Lewis and Thomas Jones. Meanwhile, Marcus did nothing to justify his #1 ranking in last week's power rankings, but he did get one lucky week to counteract his history of unluckiness. A perfectly average performance by Reggie Wayne (15) and a sub-par outing by Philip Rivers (10) were enough to put him on top of this ugly contest.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 92, FUBAR 102.5
After Sunday, this game looked like a classic Monday Night Match-Up. Will was up by 4.5 points with one of fantasy's most dynamic runners, Adrian Peterson, going up against Spencer's Drew Brees, the second-leading scorer in all of fantasy this year. And did I mention that the Saints can't stop the run and the Vikings can't stop the pass? By midnight on Monday the score of this game should have been a million to a million and one. But something happened to Adrian Peterson (my guess? he realized he's a huge pussy) and Drew Brees had an only moderately outstanding day (17), meaning a pedestrian scoreline and a victory for Spencer. I have a bet going with Will that AP will not get 6 weeks with 15 points or more scoring. Already he's got three, and in the next two weeks he faces Detroit (who is absolutely atrocious) and Chicago (which has a good defense that AP regularly destroys), so he'll probably be up to 5 by week 7. Not good, right? But then Minny has their bye week, and I feel confident that, given two weeks to himself, Peterson will find a way to injure himself for the rest of the season. Maybe he'll slip in the shower and knock his head against the side, falling into a coma. Maybe he'll slip on the wet deck of a Minnesota party boat and drown in Lake Spinnapataunka, or whatever the fuck they call their lakes up there. Maybe he'll just sleep wrong and have a sore back the next day. I don't know. But I believe in Purple Jesus' ability to crumple and wither before the season is through. Don't let me down, Adrian.

Skinny White Guys 93, Chip Lohmiller 86.5
Statistically speaking, Dekker should have won this week. His 86.5 is a good two-and-a-half points better than his average historical score-against, so he must have been shocked to find that a completely mediocre performance is not enough to win some fantasy games. I've almost getting sick of saying that Lohmiller's squad is NFC East-based, but sure enough those were his top scorers again this week. Tony Romo (17), Terrell Owens (14), and Brian Westbrook (14) again had outstanding weeks despite the fact that the Cowboys barely beat the lowly Bengals and the Eagles got humiliated by the Redskins. Comparing those scores to Bardey's, I can't actually figure out how the White Guys won (I'm not about to start doing math), but win they did. Andre Johnson (21) showed up for the first time this season, and Matt Forte (17) continued to be this year's most effective rookie, but other than that there was nothing outstanding for the White Guys. They won, though. Trust me.

Thus concludes Week 5 of BIFL. 5 straight weeks where Ive gotten the Reviews and (hopefully) the Previews in. We'll see how long this lasts. I'm starting to feel exhaustion set in. See you on Saturday for Week 6 predictions?

NBD - Week 5 Review

Normally I try to start these blog posts with some sort of timely or humorous or reflective introduction that I then find a way to tie in to fantasy. Last week I did some research into Rosh Hashanah so that I could explore and explain some of the traditions involved. I really put some effort into it, especially in finding a way to tie it in to the power rankings that I came up with. Not a word of response from the league's Jewish contingent. Thanks guys. Anyways, this week I am foregoing all that rigmarole because a) apparently you fuckers couldn't care less and b) I have some actual league business to discuss. So even if you don't read the game reviews, please at least read about our IMPORTANT LEAGUE ISSUES and provide your input in the comments section below. Thanks.
IMPORTANT 2008 LEAGUE ISSUE #1:
Ray Tarasovic has reported some scoring issues the past few weeks that are at odds with our supposed rules. Ray's team features DeSean Jackson, who besides being a receiver who was utterly shut down by the Redskins, is also the Eagles' punt returner. Mephistopheles was penalized for a fumble in Week 4 when Jackson fumbled on a punt return, and was also rewarded in Week 5 when Jackson returned a punt for a touchdown. Now, when I set the scoring and positional settings at the beginning of the season, it was my intention that scores on punt and kick returns would be attributed to the Special Teams, and thus Jackson's points should have gone to the Philadelphia D/ST. As it turns out, though, Yahoo has been giving those points to individual players, and what I thought was D/ST has in fact just been D. None of your Defenses are getting Special Teams points. This wouldn't be such a big deal, but a few people have asked since before the season began, and I've always explained the scoring system as the way I thought it was operating, and not the way it actually has been operating.
So the question becomes what to do about it now. So far, I don't think any outcomes have been drastically affected. Jackson's negative points for the fumble or positive points for the TD wouldn't have changed the outcome of either of those games, nor were Reggie Bush's two punt return TDs enough for Kevin Manning to win this weekend.
The scoring system for the league was locked after the first set of games, so I can't change the settings, but I do have the power to adjust individual game scores, meaning I could go through the games each week and make adjustments where appropriate. This would be a bit of a pain for me, but as it was my mistake to begin with I have no problem doing it. The problem with this is that the stats provided by Yahoo will still reflect the current scoring system, so when you're picking up free agents/making roster decisions, you will have to factor in the difference in punt/kickoff returns yourself.
My inclination would be to go on scoring punt/kickoff returns as we have so far this season, attributing these points to individual players rather than Defenses, since it hasn't really affected any outcomes so far and we should all know the deal from here on out. But if anyone has made decisions based on how I said the scoring would operate, and feels that this has put them at a disadvantage, I certainly want to put that right. Your input in the comments section would be much appreciated. I'm very sorry if anyone has been screwed by this; I assure you it was entirely unintentional.

IMPORTANT 2008 LEAGUE ISSUE #2:
This issue has to do with the waiver wire, which has always been problematic. As it stands now, our waiver wire priority re-sets to the inverse of the standings every week. I have been in last place since the season began, so I've pretty much dominated that priority (yay for me!). Last week, I put in three claims, and got all three. This might not be surprising, since none of my pick-ups were exactly barn-burners (NY Giants Def, Kevin Walter, and Brandon Jackson). The same thing happened with my waiver-wire pick-ups this week, and the fact that I got all three both weeks makes me worried that because of my waiver wire priority, all of my waiver claims are being processed before the #2 waiver priority, and then all of #2's claims are being processed before #3, etc. This is not how it should be operating. However I don't know if this is actually what's happening or if I'm just picking up guys that no one else wants, so I need for you guys to keep an eye out for it. If you put in a waiver claim for someone, and someone gets that player as their second waiver-wire pick-up before you get your first, please let me know and I will try to find a way to fix that. This leads me into

IMPORTANT 2009 LEAGUE ISSUE #1:
In one of my other leagues this year, we have instituted a new waiver wire policy that I thought I'd propose for our league next year. Basically it's an auction system, with each week starting with essentially a silent auction on all the waiver wire players. At the beginning of the season, each owner has $100 free agent dollars, and each week they put bids in on the players they want. On Wednesday, the player is awarded to the owner who has put in the highest bid, and the owner's free agent budget is debited in that amount. It's been pretty fun for us in that other league, and gives you a whole new reason to make fun of someone when they totally overpay for, say, the NY Giants defense, Kevin Walter, or Brandon Jackson. This doesn't need to be decided until next summer, obviously, but I thought I'd put it out there now.
An even bigger decision facing us next year is

IMPORTANT 2009 LEAGUE ISSUE #2:
Draft order. Now that we're switching over to the Option B keeper system, where only players drafted after the 3rd round can be kept, the draft order again becomes extremely important. The top picks in the draft next year will actually be legitimate top draft picks, and not useless fuckers like Ryan Grant. Which brings up the question of how we determine draft order. Traditionally, the draft order is simply the inverse of the final standings. I remember a few years ago there was some concern over tanking, so we reversed the bottom 6 (i.e. #7 in the final standings gets 1st pick, #8 gets 2nd pick, etc.) Honestly I don't think anyone in this league is a big enough bitch to tank, and if they are, then fantasy football means way too much to them and they can have the top pick for all I care (and this is coming from someone for whom fantasy obviously means a lot). But I also think that simple inverse of the standings is kind of boring (even though it could very well benefit me since my team is so shitty this year), so I wanted to provide some options and have a vote, because it's been nearly two months since we all argued over something. Anyways, here's my options:
A) Inverse of final standings (yawn)
B) Random drawing. With our keepers next year likely not being the cornerstones of our teams, you can make a case that the league winner doesn't necessarily have any advantage heading into next year, and thus we should all have an even shot at the top draft pick. So I'll just put everyone's name in a hat and pick out the draft order.
C) NBA Lottery style. We will use inverse of final standings, but not directly. Again I will draw names out of a hat, but the 12th-place team will get 12 names in the hat, 11th-place will get 11 names, all the way down to 1st-place getting one name. Thus it'll be more likely that the last place teams get higher draft picks, but not necessarily a direct correlation. If someone with a statistics background wanted to provide a more appropriate name/hat distribution, I would be open to that.
D) Some kind of cool, crazy shit I've never even thought of or heard about. Maybe a Survivor-style competition to be held over the summer, where we draft in the reverse order of when you got kicked off the island? (Hope you like the 12-spot, Papkin!)

Again, your input/vote on all these issues in the Comments section would be much appreciated.

Now on to the Week 5 games:

Stadler & Waldorf 115.42, Wyld Stallyns 53.06
I had no reason to believe I'd have a big game this week other than the fact that I hadn't had one yet, and sure enough it came to pass. I didn't even need one! But I had one anyway to post the top score in the league this week. One shining moment in the sun. Oh but did the Stallyns eat it. The Eagles seemingly focused every ounce of their defensive energy on stopping Santana Moss, and they did to the tune of 0 fantasy points, apparently not noticing that they were being dominated instead by Clinton Portis and Chris Cooley. Deezer's got a strong QB tandem this year, but he started the wrong half of it this week, disregarding Aaron Rodgers 24 points to Philip Rivers' 10. But even that wouldn't have helped catch Brandon Jacobs (27), Andre Johnson (19), Matt Forte (18), and Hines Ward (15).
[Oh as I'm writing this I just saw an ad for "Time Warp," a show on DiscoveryHD where they show shit blowing up in super slow motion. Consider this a note to myself to DVR that show. It's next thursday at 8.]
[PS. in the off-season I could see this blog developing into a 'Dirty Jobs' review site. I'm pretty sure I can corner that market. Sorry.]

CH Croakies 66.04, Hamster Now Guinea Pig 103.98
The afore-mentioned dominance by Portis didn't leave much room for fantasy scoring by Jason Campbell (8), and after Adrian Peterson (4) got surprisingly shut down by the New Orleans defense, Elliott's receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Isaac Bruce (17 each) were lafted stranded on an island with no support. Matt Haller's Hamster team was my top-ranked contender last week, and they did their best to justify that ranking this weekend. Even on a day when the Cutler-Marshall Project didn't match their previous success (17 points between them), Haller got enough offense out of his RBs (Portis for 22 and Addai for 13) and his defense (Bears, 18) to break the century mark. Of note: the top scorer in this game was Ben Roethlisberger's 24, squandered on Elliott's bench.

Chestpubes & Ballfro 99.64, The Leadfarmers 67.68
The defending champ took umbrage at his Peter Lassardian #10 rating, and came out to prove himself this week. After getting blanked by the Skins in Week 4, I had sort of written off Felix Jones for some reason, but he came roaring back in Week 5 with 16 points, one shy of his backfield mate Tony Romo (17). Roddy White led the Ballfros with 19 and Donald Driver (14) had his biggest outing of the year, all of which was enough to prove that even when LaDainian Tomlinson and Chris Johnson have limited days, C&B is a contender. The Leadfarmers also had a solid day out of their receivers, with Muhsin Muhammed having another strong outing (13) and Randy Moss making his first appearance of the year (17). Moss' breakout must be reassuring for Derek, but the performances from the rest of his team must be depressing, to say the least. Miles Austin and Vernon Davis dropped some goose eggs, and LenDale White was only the slimmest of margins better, rushing for 4 yards. Even Marion Barber (9) was not his usual self. Man, there were a lot of Cowboys in this game.

Lassard Blows Harris 69.04, Mephistopheles 92.60
After a 2-0 start to the season in which he averaged nearly 110 points, Papkin saw fit to start talking shit, requesting that someone "please... put up some effort to beat me." Well, he's certainly gotten his wish, as this made the third consecutive week that he got beaten, this time by Mephistopheles. Ronnie Brown (19) proved this week that Wildcat Provisions was no fluke, and Mewelde Moore (11) was surprisingly decent as a fill-in for Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall. But Beyond that LBH didn't do much. Ray's squad is moving in the opposite direction, gaining their second straight win this week after nearly a year of futility. Interestingly enough, the Chief's last two victories came against DeYoung and Papkin, the same two opponents he beat this year. This week's win came on the strength of a huge day by waiver-wire pick-up the Carolina Defense (19), Chris Cooley (17), Greg Jennings (15), and Drew Brees (14).

Burke City Giants 109.54, Woody's Warriors 66.56
Don't look now, but Woody's Warriors are closing in on my coveted #12 spot! Languishing with the same abysmal 1-4 record, the Warriors are less than five points ahead of Stadler & Waldorf in the standings. In fact, the only thing that kept them from reaching the cellar this week was the surprisingly strong performance of Kyle Orton (22). Woody employed an unusual strategy this week, starting both Correll Buckhalter and Brian Westbrook, who's been dinged up. Dings or no, Westbrook put up 14 points, but that left nothing for Buckhalter. By contrast, Michael's team was the model of a balanced onslaught attack. With five Burke City players over the 15-point mark, even a strong performance by Woody would have made a win unlikely. The running back combo of Steve Slaton (21) and Michael Turner (18) led the way, followed closely by the Minny Defense (17), Jake Delhomme (17) and Reggie Wayne (16). With such a balanced, consistent attack, Toobin's team has earned themselves a spot right at the top of the league.

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 102.60, Tri Steeg Area 93.78
With an average point differential of almost 40 points in the other five games this week, it was nice to have one contest that was not a complete blowout. Matt Ryan and Tri Steeg both played well this weekend, but of course Tri Steeg lost. I say of course because Manning's team has continued a trend this season that began last year in which they put up a solid score every week and still lose the majority of their games. Manning is currently leading the league in scoring, and yet has a losing record at 2-3. Since joining the league last year, he has averaged 86 points in his losses; most weeks, that's enough to beat half the league if you're lucky enough to be playing the right opponent. So far, luck has not been Tri Steeg's strong suit. This week brought them up against an MRLD group that was just a little bit better at each position. Koehler's team was led by TJ Houshmandzadeh (21), Kurt Warner (19), and Tim Hightower (17). It's worth noting that Hightower was one of Koehler's supplemental round selections, and he is hardly the first to have been productive this season: both of Derek Haller's picks from that round, Muhsin Muhammed and Chris Perry, have been solid contributors.

OK now that I'm through the game reviews, I want to draw people's attention back to the issues mentioned above. Please put some thought into your responses and post a comment to let me and the rest of the league know how you'd like to deal with these. Thanks.

NBD - Week 5 Preview

This week's games will be the first test of my Power Rankings, and the first chance for the losers in the bottom half to prove they belong elsewhere. Let's dive right in:

Stadler & Waldorf vs. Wyld Stallyns
DeYoung's team is clearly better than mine. And he's not necessarily facing tough defensive match-ups or anything like that. But one of his running backs is the back-up to mine, and the other one is kind of a pussy. Plus I just think that after 4 weeks, it's my time.
Muppets by 5

CH Croakies vs. Hamster Now Guinea Pig
I picked Haller's team as the top-ranked team in the league, so it'd be hard to pick against him here. Elliott has decided to make it even easier on me by starting Rudi Johnson. Seriously? You might as well start Jerious Norwood. Oh no wait, you are!
Guinea Pig by 11

Chestpubes & Ballfro vs. The Leadfarmers
I kind of want to pick this one without looking at the teams and basing it just on the summer '08 movies their names come from. Stepbrothers, whence "Chestpubes & Ballfro," was rioutously funny, with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly basically competing to see who could appear more retarded. I'm not sure that anyone beside myself, Colly, and our unemployed friend Hambone saw it, but it was incredibly funny. Tropic Thunder, whence "The Leadfarmers," was also extremely funny, and featured a strong combination of dumb, low-brow humor and Hollywood satire. It also had some pretty legit action sequences. I loved them both, but it seems like Tropic Thunder had a bit more to offer audiences, especially if you consider the fake previews part of the movie. That shit was ridiculous.
Leadfarmers by 6

Lassard Blows Harris vs. Mephistopheles
Papkin is starting two receivers on the same team this week, Chris Chambers and Vincent Jackson. Not necessarily a bad move, but I don't think I've ever seen it before. Thought I'd point it out. You know what is a bad move, though? Starting Mewelde Moore. You know what else is? Starting Fred Jackson. Mephistopheles appears to be starting players who are actually fantasy-relevant, so I'm pretty sure I've got to give them the nod here.
The Fru-its of the Dev-il by 8

Burke City Giants vs. Woody's Warriors
I'm a little concerned about the fact that Woody still has Jerricho Cotchery in his starting line-up even though his team has a bye this week. He's also still starting Correll Buckhalter, even though I'm pretty sure Brian Westbrook is gonna be back on the field this week. It makes it hard for me to make picks when you bastards don't bother setting your line-ups until Sunday morning. But last week I had to let Sherwood know that Carson Palmer was injured, so I'm guessing he's busy these days and is neglecting his duties.
First: Giants by 8
Second: Woody, get your shit together!

You know what? I just thought about Will Ferrell singing "Por ti, volareeeeee..." and decided to change my vote on the Joe/Derek game.
Ballfro by 4

(note: this shit is bootleg)

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs vs. Tri Steeg Area
I like some of Koehler's starts at the "lesser" positions this week. His WR3 is Amani Toomer, who will be picking up the slack for a suspended Plaxico Burress. Anthony Fasano, his tight end, is playing the Chargers, who have given up a touchdown to a TE in every game so far this season. Kex, on the other hand, is starting Kellen Winslow, who has a bye, and doesn't even have another tight end to plug in if he gets around to checking his line-up tomorrow morning. HEY MOTHERFUCKERS! I'M SPENDING HOURS UPON HOURS EVERY WEEK WRITING THOUSANDS OF WORDS ABOUT THIS LEAGUE!! YOU THINK YOU COULD FIND FIFTEEN MINUTES ON, SAY, WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY TO CHECK YOUR LINE-UP AND MAYBE PICK UP A FREE AGENT OR TWO?!?
Matt Ryan by one metric shit-ton

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 14-10

Beauty is fleeting:



But true love is forever:
Good luck in Week 5, except for DeYoung, who should probably get an early-80's computer terminal that weighs roughly 7,000 pounds tossed at his head.

BIFL - Week 5 Preview

With fewer teams and less prominent offenses on byes this week, BIFL squads should be at pretty much full strength unless they've been relying on Derek Anderson, Jamarcus Russell, or Marc Bulger. And if they have... well then "full strength" is kind of a relative term anyway, isn't it?

Sky Vault Centurions vs. Juse and the Argonauts
Well, as I said, bye weeks won't affect these two teams much, but that doesn't keep Juse from having plenty of players sidelined by P's, Q's and O's. Plaxico Burress is on the bench for missing a Giants team meeting, and Anquan Boldin is on the bench for missing a couple hundred thousand brain cells after last week's devastating hit. Leaving Juse to rely heavily on his Seahawks (Julius Jones and Deion Branch, returning to the lineup for the first time this season) against a stout New York defense. With Juse's big gun (Brandon Marshall) being offset in points by the Centurions' Jay Cutler, and Larry Fitzgerald (also a Centurion) potentially picking up some of the slack from Anquan Boldin, these teams fates seem intertwined to Andre's advantage.
Centurions by 9

Egon Spengler vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon
OK, I'll admit to being a little worried this week, despite the fact that Dick's team is a steaming pile of dogshit. But I'm starting Jason Campbell, who despite looking good so far this season hasn't overcome his tendency to hold on to the ball for hours at a time, going against the crazy swarm-blitz defense of the Eagles. Michael Turner is in Green Bay, and has yet to prove that he can produce anywhere outside of Atlanta, and Chris Johnson is up against the solid defense of the Ravens. All the same, I don't really see Eli Manning having a big day without his boy Plax, and the Dolphins and Chiefs (LDT and Steve Smith's opponents), despite being awful teams, actually have pretty good defenses. Also I would just never pick Dick to beat me, so...
Spengler by 5

Manatee Eaters vs. Pet Monkey
Peyton Manning hasn't done much yet this season, but he just had a week off to get ready for this game and he's playing the Texans, a team he loves to pick apart. With the rest of these teams looking pretty evenly-matched to me, the disparity in quarterbacks - Pet Monkey's Ben Roethlisberger is questionable to start, as is his back-up Aaron Rodgers - will probably be the difference-maker in this one.
Eaters by 4

Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Cholish Chachfaces
Woof. This is gonna be ugly. In case you missed it, I put out some BIFL power rankings earlier this week, and these two teams were at the extremes. If you haven't read it, I bet you can guess who was at the top and who was at the bottom without even visiting the link: Souts' team is starting Trent Edwards, Deuce McAllister, Michael Pittman, and Antonio Bryant. Chalski's team is starting Philip Rivers, Marshawn Lynch, Marion Barber, and Reggie Wayne. This should be fun.
Cholachs by 15

Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. FUBAR
Spencer has a logo! Spencer has a logo! After months of lobbying, I finally see something besides a little red X in the spot where the FUBAR team picture is supposed to be. Granted, it's a low-res image of what looks like a 2-man, mustached heavy metal band, but it's a logo nonetheless, and it removes the factor I normally use for deciding against the Frogg in close contests. It wouldn't really have mattered this week, though, as I don't see this being a close contest. Will was hitting me up for advice this week on deciding whether to start Warrick Dunn or Mewelde Moore. Whichever shitter he chose would be facing off with the FUBAR combo of Frank Gore and Joe Addai. That's not a good match-up.
FUBAR by 13

Skinny White Guys vs. Chip Lohmiller
Here's what I know: the Cincinnati Bengals are an abysmal team. The Cowboys are a good team. The Cowboys' dynamic duo, Tony Romo and Terrell Owens, are supposedly fighting, and need to prove to America that they're getting along. So TR and TO are probably gonna blow up this week. But there's other stuff I know: the Detroit Lions are an abysmal team. Matt Forte is turning into an excellent professional football player who can run and receive. His team, the Bears, hates the Lions. He is probably gonna blow up this week. Here's one more thing I know: Ryan Grant has difficulty urinating in public restrooms when there are other men in the bathroom, so if he steps up to the urinal and then someone else enters the bathroom he just has to stand there for thirty seconds, pretend he's pissing, do a fake shake-off and leave. It's really sad.
Lohmiller by 8

You may have noticed that the Week 4 Review was a game short. I had decided to hold off on reviewing Bardey's performance until he was out of the Grand Canyon and back into satellite range, but apparently he didn't like that, so here ya go:

FUBAR 84, Skinny White Guys 69
FUBAR's leading scorer this week, as in most weeks, was Drew Brees with 24 points. His second-leading scorer was Lee Evans, with 16. His third-leading scorer was Frank Gore, with 13. Oh wait you know who else had 13? The kicker, Rian Lindell. That's pretty good for a kicker, huh? Oh but Bardey's kicker, Jeff Reed, had 13 as well! Oh ho ho, we've got a game here! But maybe not, because Bardey's kicker-13 was not the 3rd- or 4th-highest scorer, it was his first. In fact it was one of only three Skinny White Guys in double figures, complementing Bardey's top running back's 0-point day and his top wide receiver's 3-point day. Things are ugly in White Guy land, with no respite in sight. Time for Bardey to make some moves.
So that finishes off your review of Week 4, as well as your preview of Week 5.

Last week: 2-4 (uf)
Overall: 16-8 (still silly)

Here's something beautiful:

And here's something hideous:

Good luck in Week 5, except for Dick, who I hope gets stabbed with a dull blade by a fat, tattooed snorkeler in a speedo.