BIFL Team Reports - 10/2/11

Faced with increased professional responibilities (I'm now the Union Rep at my school) and increased personal commitments (I've got a real, live girlfriend for the first time in recent memory), I've been forced to re-consider the amount of time I spend as Lassard every week. I also discovered, whilst writing last year's State of Your Team write-ups, that it's a lot more interesting for me to write about each team over a several-week span with a kind of narrative arc than it is to simply re-cap games every week. With those factors in mind, I've decided to re-structure this blog a little bit. Every week this season, I'll be writing Team Reports, but not for every team in every league. Instead, I'll be rotating around, which gives me the opportunity to write a little bit less but take a more indepth look at what each team has done over a period of time, rather than just finding creative ways to say X scored __ points, Y scored ___ points, and the team won/lost. This week we'll look at four BIFL franchises. I hope you enjoy it, and if you didn't get mentioned this week, rest assured that your time will come soon.



I'm Fucking In (Spence) 1-2
Years of Woodbridgean anguish finally turned to joy last December, as I'm Fucking In finally brought owner Spencer Jones and his long-suffering fanbase their first BIFL Championship. There were parades in the street, quarterbacks sent to DisneyWorld, and visits to the White House, but Jones had seen enough franchises flash through the heavens just to fall back to earth. He was determined to turn his franchise into a dynasty, not a one-year wonder. That brought some tough decisions, including the sad departure of BIFLBowl MVP Drew Brees. Brees and Jones parted ways under seemingly amicable terms, with Brees conceding that a small market team like Woodbridge could not afford to sink all their finances into a single player, and Jones acknowledging that Brees deserved to be one of the highest-paid players in the league. But while the two main faces in this soap opera put on happy faces, debate still rages up and down the Prince William County Parkway as to which is the bad guy. That debate characterizes the troubled undercurrent of doubts around this team's ability to repeat as champions. Despite Brees' departure, core IFIers Arian Foster, LeSean McCoy, and Mike Williams remain, and they are joined by such talents as Greg Jennings, Stevie Johnson and exciting young tight end Jimmy Graham.
Foster, however, has been an early-season no-show, scoring only 3 points in the first three weeks of 2011. In Week 1, McCoy (29) did his best to carry the backfield load entirely on his own shoulders, and the receiving trio of Jennings(14), Williams (11), and Johnson (12) had solid days. Graham (11) lived up to his pre-season hype as well, but against a monstrous effort from the Lower Loudoun Tribe, IFI needed some serious firepower from the quarterback position. Matt Ryan's 10-point day was far from Breesian, and with a weak defensive output (7 total), I'm Fucking In
fell 110-146 to their rivals from the neighboring county.
Week 2 saw Foster's brief return to action, though he looked little like the league-leading rusher that propelled Jones' boys to the trophy. Jones might have been better off leaving him on the bench. A similar error in judgement came at the quarterback position, where Ryan's 19 rode the pine in favor of Rex Grossman's 15-point outing. Those decisions, combined with a lousy outing from Williams (1), meant that Shady and Stevie's big day (23 and 16, respectively) went to waste. That gave I'm Fucking In two straight losses to start the defense of their championship, this one to the Cholish Chachfaces, 102-108.
But an outing against the Ass-Ramming HotCocks can sometimes cure all ills, and Week 3 gave Jones his first taste of victory in 2011. Ryan, back under center, put up a decent day (14), doing most of his damage through the air to the explosive Graham (18). Johnson (16) and Jennings (13) also made their presence felt catching Matty Ice's pinpoint passes, and the addition of Willis McGahee's experienced consistency (11) proved the perfect complement to McCoy's combustible talent (21). Jones will hope that this week prove to be a sign of things to come rather than an isolated incident, much as he hopes that last year's championship is the start of a perennial contender rather than a one-hit wonder.

Cow Fister (Shoaf) 0-3
For years, the players' union (and, secretly, the other owners in BIFL) have been trying to find a way to break Cow Fister owner and Texas oil baron Will Shoaf, complaining that he used his vast riches and ruthless team of lawyers to unfairly lock top talents such as Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning into long, unbreakable contracts. When the commissioner finally intervened this year, putting a cap on teams' ability to monopolize such elite players, Shoaf simply tipped back his ten-gallon hat and laughed in Commissioner Doit's face. "Haw haw! Y'all are gunna have to try better'n 'at to keep this ol' wildcat caged!" While nothing has been proven in court, it is widely believed that the same money that was formerly spent at the negotiating table was spent on bribing the accountants at Price Waterhouse into securing Shoaf the top pick in the draft, allowing him to lock down the same running back who had openly rejoiced when the league had finally informed him that he was out from under the billionaire's yoke. Back to the plow for you, Adrian Peterson.
In their first week, it almost seemed as though Peterson (9) and the rest of the crew were openly showing their displeasure with Shoaf's "luck," with nearly every Cow Fister scoring in single digits. Only franchise face and noted boot-licker Tony Romo (21) put up any kind of solid numbers, and the Fisters fell to Your Stepdad, 75-112.
A guy like Adrian Peterson can only rein in his talent for so long, however, and Week 2 saw him go right back to his usual production, leading the team with 29 points. His example set the pace for several other Fisters, including Tony Romo and Devery Henderson, who combined for 47 points through the air. With Romo also hooking up effectively with Santonio Holmes (10), the Fisters were looking good, but an unexpected outburst from opponent Kurt Beran left them on the wrong side of the scoreboard, which showed a 121-128 loss when all was said and done.
Having worked so hard in Week 2 and still failed, the air went right back out of this team in Week 3 and brought out an even poorer performance than in the uninspired Week 1. With his pretty-boy ailing, and deathly afraid of seeing him injured further, Shoaf threw the pouty and unpopular Jay Cutler onto the field. Though Cutler (23) played well enough to spark a potential quarterback controversy in Austin, the rest of the team showed their clear displeasure at being led by such a miserable prick. When asked about it after the game, Peterson remarked "Yeah, we all hate playing for Mr. Shoaf, and hearing the plays called by that doofy dipshit Tony [Romo] is infuriating, but when Jay [Cutler] is out there, you can't really focus at all because you just want to punch him in the face so bad. It's a really difficult situation, but we're taking it one game at a time, you know? It is what it is." Added Santonio Holmes (1),"Yeah, seriously. Fuck all these dudes." Only time will tell if the Cow Fisters can overcome this locker room tension to find the season's first win.

Cholish Chachfaces (Chalski) 2-1
As the lone minority owner in BIFL, Mark Michalski has long spoken up for the rights of the under-represented in the league. This year, he put his money where his mouth is in drafting one quarterback who is half-Mexican (Mark Sanchez) and another who is half-Castoridae*, Sam Bradford. With mixed-race Miles Austin, Italian Williams DeAngelo, and Frenchman Pierre Thomas on the roster, the Cholish Chachfaces are truly a paragon of the kind of diversity that BIFL promotes in the 21st Century.
Sadly, the forces of bigotry reared their ugly heads in the very first moments of the Chaches' 2011 season, as elements from a fundamentalist anti-Towhead group snuck onto the field at Choland Stadium in Jacksonville and brutally crippled kicker Nate Kaeding, attacking his knees with a yardage marker and screaming out "What's the frequency, Kaeding?" before being subdued by stadium security. Though the conspirators were all locked up and order was restored, the Chachfaces had a hard time recovering. A visibly shaken Bradford (5) was over- and under-throwing passes all day, and DeAngelo (3), whose upbringing in the Tuscan countryside could hardly have prepared him for such a scene, seemed completely lost. The experienced receiving trio of Andre Johnson (15), Miles Austin (15), and Anquan Boldin (13) tried to lead the team through a tough time, but their efforts were to no avail as the Ducks easily defeated the deflated Chachfaces, 114-78.
A week off, however, made a world of difference, as the Kaeding tragedy became a rallying point for the team. Michalski made the stunning announcement that the 'Faces would start each game with only ten men on the field in honor of their fallen comrade, leaving a blank at Defensive Back in Week 2. Though fans and commentators questioned the tactic, it had an obvious galvanizing effect on the team, with Miles Austin (36) in particular playing as though the hospitalized, comatose Kaeding's life depended on it. Ryan Mathews (18) and Andre Johnson (15) were similarly inspired, and although Bradford ran to the locker room in a moment of panic just before kickoff, the Sanchize (13) filled in decently. Only DeAngelo (3) seemed like he was still feeling the effects of the previous week's incident, though with the language barrier, it was hard to know if he actually had any idea what was going on at all.
That suspicion was confirmed in Week 3, when DeAngelo (2) was once again a no-show. Also failing to appear was a linebacker, who took the week off as this week's line-up sacrifice to honor the fallen Kaeding. Having earned himself a second start, Sanchez (28) showed definitively that he should be the one leading this offense by leading the team in scoring (28). Just as effective as Sanchez's aerial attack was Ryan Mathews ground assault (27), demonstrating that he finally may be ready to start putting up the numbers Chachface fans have been expecting since last year. Although opponent Alligator Fuckhouse put up a valiant effort, the onslaught of Sanchez, Mathews, Johnson (15), Greg Olsen (13), and rookie Denarius Moore (11) proved to be too much, and the Chachfaces brought home their second victory, 114-111.

*I'm gonna make you look it up to get the joke.

We the Ducks, You Sucka (Dre) 1-2
Little is known of eccentric We the Ducks, You Sucka owner Andre LaFollette, other than the fact that he made his fortune in signage after inventing Air Dancers, those inflatable characters that flutter as they fill up with air, waving madly over car washes and auto repair shops before collapsing to the ground and then inflating again. After buying the franchise over ten years ago, LaFollette has followed in the footsteps of his Air Dancers, reaching high into the sky only to collapse and begin the process anew, with curious new branding and a new team, every year. This year's theme is a Sergio Leone spaghetti western about an IRA bomber in the Mexican Revolution that has, admittedly, been in my Netflix queue for a while. But this does not make it any more explicable as a team name. But while their owner may be hard to pin down, refusing to give press conferences or even appear in public, hidden behind the tinted glass of his luxury box at Joppaville Stadium, this is a team with a definite identity. That identity reflects the character of its Chesapeake roots: hard-working, blue-collar, and conservative.
This is a team that prides itself on grind-it-out football, featuring a strong 1-2 running punch and a defense full of big names. That strategy proved effective in Week 1, with the hard-charging Michael Turner (14) and the quicker, lighter Matt Forte (23) combining to flummox the Chachface defense on the ground. The defense, composed of Hall of Famer Ray Lewis, pass-rushing terror Ndamukong Suh, and up-and-comer Joe Haden (18 combined), lived up to their world-class pedigree, and Eli Manning (16) did what he is paid to do: manage the game. Lafollette's sole concession to the modern, high-flying style of offense, DeSean Jackson (18), did his part, but for the most part these Ducks were happy to waddle their way to victory, 114-78.
Week 2 would prove to be less fortunate, for though the running tandem once again carried the weight (39 combined for Turner and Forte), the lack of offense coming from the passing game (the receivers managed a mere 7 points between them) would end up as the team's undoing. Manning (14) was once again fine, but unspectacular, with most of his completions coming on short gains to tight end Dallas Clark (10). With the defense unable to generate any turnover scores, the limitations of this style of team were shown and Alligator Fuckhouse came away with the win, 118-93.
Displeased with the passing game, LaFollette made the radical move of bringing in Colt McCoy to start game 3. McCoy (14) did not come out any worse than Manning had the week prior, looking to especially be developing some rapport with Plaxico Burress (11), but Manning was clearly offended at having gotten the hook so early in the season, and lit up the bench (30 pts) to show his displeasure. Other than McCoy and Burress, no other individual Duck reached double figures, which is especially troubling for the rushing offense (10 total points) on which this team will rely this season. Will this 128-75 blowout loss to the Lower Loudoun Tribe be a blueprint for teams looking to contain the Ducks all year, or will it serve as the low point springboard for a team that has the style to be dangerous come playoff time?