NBD Team Reports - 9/22/11

Faced with increased professional responibilities (I'm now the Union Rep at my school) and increased personal commitments (I've got a real, live girlfriend for the first time in recent memory), I've been forced to re-consider the amount of time I spend as Lassard every week. I also discovered, whilst writing last year's Years in Review, that it's a lot more interesting for me to write about each team with a kind of narrative arc than it is to simply re-cap games every week. With those factors in mind, I've decided to re-structure this blog a little bit. Every week this season, I'll be writing Team Reports, but not for every team in every league. Instead, I'll be rotating around, which gives me the opportunity to write a little bit less but take a more indepth look at what each team has done over a period of time, rather than just finding creative ways to say X scored __ points, Y scored ___ points, and the team won/lost. I'm starting this off with half of the NBD teams. I hope you enjoy it, and if you didn't get mentioned this week, rest assured that your time will come soon.


Buck Stops Here (Ray)
While most NBD followers fretted over this summer's lockout in fear of lost games and aimless autumn Sundays, the long-suffering fanbase of Buck Stops Here secretly rejoiced. After all, the longer it took for the players to return to the field, the greater the chance that BSH's doddering, senile owner, Ray Tarasovic, might succumb to Father Time, allowing the franchise to pass into the hands of a competent owner before another down of ugly football could be played. Alas, the players and owners came to agreement, and another hopeless season of Buck-Stopping commenced. Accustomed to years of outdated scouting techniques and shoddy drafting, BSH fans were shocked to see their senile owner select two competent running backs, Rashard Mendenhall and Matt Forte, in the first two rounds. Soon, though, they found themselves basking in the comfortable light of mediocrity as the ancient Tarasovic hitched his wagon to the Kansas City Chiefs, re-signing QB Matt Cassel and drafting his primary targets Dwayne Bowe and Jonathan Baldwin.
The foolishness of that strategy quickly became evident, as Cassel and Baldwin have already been cut. After a 2-point Week 1 performance, Bowe might have been on thin ice as well, but while BSH starter Mark Sanchez (19 pts) avoided Bowe, he did manage to connect with Plaxico Burress (13) and Jimmy Graham (12). That passing attack was well-balanced with a strong running performance by Matt Forte (22) and Reggie Bush (15), who managed to combine for a victory over the Sloppy Joe Pickle Pumpers, 92-87.
While the Sanchez-Burress connection was humming in Week 1, an injury to Plax left him unproductive in Week 2, forcing Sanchez (16) to utilize Bowe (11). With only one receiver to worry about, DadBowl opponent the Burke City Giants were able to focus their energies on slowing the considerable BSH rush attack, holding Mendenhall (14) and Forte (17) to reasonable numbers and utterly eliminating Bush's impact on the game (2). Despite a vast improvement in the kicking game - the Buck-Stoppers upgraded Adam Vinatieri to Nick Folk (12) - Tarasovic's squad lost a squeaker on Monday night, with his Giant Defense (13) barely losing out to Burke City's Giant offenders. Chalk up another nail-biter in the ongoing DadBowl series, 95-93.
Heading into Week 3, Ray will look to jump-start the offense by finally inserting powerhouse Steve Smith into the starting line-up and see if the presence of rookie QB Andy Dalton on the bench can spur Mark Sanchez into taking charge of this team.

Finga Sniffs (Kex)
Old-school Finga Sniffs fans have never forgiven owner Kevin Manning for uprooting the franchise years ago, famously sneaking moving trucks out of Burke's Harvester Stadium in the middle of the night and high-tailing it to the West coast. The departure of the team heralded an economic downturn for the entire Shiplett region, but the results for the team that left them behind have been, like their new Southern California digs, far sunnier. The Sniffs fared especially well this past off-season, when they secured the services of last year's pleasant surprises Peyton Hillis and Stevie Johnson for cents on the dollar, and locked up the second spot in the draft. While that second overall pick, Arian Foster, hasn't worked out yet due to injury concerns, it's only a matter of time til he returns to his past productivity. Fortunately, the Sniffs have not had to rely on the running game.
In Week 1, it was all passing for the Los Angelenos, as Tom Brady (36) had a record-setting Monday night lobbing the ball to Stevie Johnson (13) and Miles Austin (15). The aerial fireworks, however, were undercut by a pedestrian run attack (21 combined from Hillis and Fred Jackson) and an atrocious defensive and kicking effort (-3 total points from the injured Nate Kaeding and the Pittsburgh Steelers).
Having lost their opener to Moseley's Mask, 121-92, and with potential dissension in the locker room over the imbalance in effectiveness, the Sniffs season might have been over before it began. But with the veteran leadership of Brady on hand, the fiery Fingamen instead turned that turmoil into triumph, posting an absurd 160 points in their follow-up effort and trouncing a not-inconsiderable Stuffed Quahog performance (115). Brady (29) once again surgically dissected the defense, featuring Miles Austin (32) but also involving Johnson (16) and Dallas Clark (9). Foster (4) made an unimpressive return, but Hillis (22) and F-Jax (26) showed why the Sniffs can afford to be patient in returning their top runner.
Though they will likely be without Austin's services next week, the Fingamen will hope that the addition of Fred Davis to the line-up will give them the needed edge to take advantage of an 0-2 (and already reeling) Bunk's an Alcoholic squad.

Sloppy Joe Pickle Pumpers (Papkin)
Sloppy Joe Pickle Pumpers owner Sam Papkin managed (once again) to escape an off-season full of legal woes - including charges of sexual harassment, money laundering, dereliction of child support, and hygienic malfeasance - unscathed. But Commissioner Fauxdell, unlike a jury of the nearest anyone could find to Papkin's "peers," was not nearly as lenient, and punished the Pickle Pumpers by bumping them to the end of the draft. Fortunately for Pumpers fans, the cupboard was not entirely bare to begin with, with Mike Tolbert and Brandon Lloyd holding over from last year on the cheap.
Impressed by his new draftees in the shortened pre-season, Sam started the season with those two on the bench, and promptly learned that the chemistry between quarterback Matt Schaub (11) and top receiver Roddy White (6) still needed some time to develop. With nothing special happening on the ground, the Pumpers relied on a strong Baltimore Ravens Defense (22) to keep them in the game, but ultimately fell to the Buck Stops Here, 92-87.
In Week 2, Schaub (17) once again failed to connect significantly with White (8), but he found success in the short passing game, hooking up successfully with tight end Tony Gonzalez (20). The rushing game also got their legs under them, with first-rounder Michael Turner (21) proving his worth and Brandon Jacobs (13) ably supporting him. Despite a 20-point drop from the Ravens D (2), the Pumpers notched a victory over Hate My Aura, 102-96.
Week 3 should provide Schaub and White a strong opportunity to get on the same page, taking on the notoriously weak secondary of Woody's Warriors, but the Warriors are 0-2 and will be desparate for a win, so nothing is guaranteed.

Wild Stallions (DeYoung)
Used to the old-fashioned, button-down ways of reclusive owner Jon DeYoung, many NBD followers were surprised by the Wild Stallions' selections of a running back nicknamed "Shady" and a pretty-boy, tabloid fodder quarterback in the 2011 draft. Pressed to reconcile such picks from a franchise that had previously required players to conceal any visible tattoos and banned music recorded after 1972 from the locker room, DeYoung explained that "Wild Stallions football is good football, and them two boys are good football players." He then cocked his shotgun and insisted that all intruders had exactly 10 seconds to get off his secluded Wyoming property.
Sure enough, Tony Romo (20) and LeSean McCoy (26) showed up loaded for bear in Week 1, and led an effective Stallions attack. The rushing game, in particular, looked strong, with Tim Hightower (16) providing a nice Thunder element to McCoy's Lightning. Romo's primary target was Mike Williams (11), and their efforts combined with the ground attack was enough to overwhelm an unimpressive It's Blam-a-Lam squad, 109-86.
Week 2 brought another opportunity to tee off on a weak opponent, and once again Romo (22) and McCoy (24) led the way. Though Romo did not connect significantly to any of the Stallions receivers, he threw enough screens, swings, and dump-offs to McCoy, James Starks (12) and Hightower (11) to post another strong total. That proved more than enough to manhandle the Warriors, who managed only 55 points in the rout.
Off to a 2-0 start, the Stallions will face their first test in Week 3, squaring off against Philip Rivers, Adrian Peterson, and the rest of Moseley's Masked Men.

Stuffed Quahog (Elliott)
During the summer's labor negotiations between NBD players and owners, no owner was more instrumental in ending the lockout than Stuffed Quahog owner Elliott Toobin. As Players' Association representative Ken Simonton told reporters, "not a day - not an hour, even - went by when I didn't hear from E[lliott]. First, he'd e-mail me to schedule a meeting. Then, he'd text me to let me know that he'd e-mailed me. Then, he'd call me to explain some of the wording in the text he'd sent and make sure I hadn't taken offense. Then, when I'd e-mail him back about the meeting, he'd immediately respond to ask why I hadn't mentioned the text or the subsequent call about the text in the e-mail. Before long, the protection of our players' safety and securing guaranteed contracts took a back seat to simply keeping track of all the communications I had received from that [redacted]. To be perfectly honestly with you, even now, months after the negotiations ended, I still wake up to the phantom sound of my BlackBerry buzzing with another message."
An integral role in ending the lockout did not guarantee Stuffed Quahog a successful draft, though, and aside from Calvin Johnson and Antonio Gates, the Oysters entered the season largely devoid of star power.
Despite an apparent lack of firepower, the Quahog put up a respectable point total in Week 1 thanks to the afore-mentioned Megatron (21) and surprisingly strong contributions from Cedric Benson (18), the New York Jets Defens (18), and Neil Rackers (10). Those contributions, however, were like drops in the ocean when put up against Week 1 high scorer Dint Clidier, who easily handled the Stuffed Ones, 133-105.
Rex Grossman took over under center the following week, and notched a respectable 17 points, connecting with great success to Vincent Jackson (29) and CJ (15). Despite underwhelming outings from the running back corps, the Oysters managed another solid point total thanks again to the "extra" contributions of Rackers (11) and the Jets (19). But for the second straight week, Elliott's boys found themselves up against the week's biggest scorers, and lost handily to the Finga Sniffs, 160-115.
Having faced two powerhouses in two weeks, the Quahogs will welcome the opportunity to take on an injury-racked Blam-a-Lam unit in Week 3, but must contend with the Blam-a-Lammers determination to prove that they do, indeed, know what Ram Jam is saying after "Whoa-oh, Black Betty..."

Woody's Warriors (Woody)
Americans love an underdog. Since overcoming those haughty Redcoats back in '76, we've always rooted for the guy who didn't seem to have a chance but had a lot of heart, and perhaps that explains how Woody's Warriors have become America's Team. Because despite a truly horrific record of failure and yearly demonstrations of gross mismanagement, this franchise continues to generate love and admiration - if not respect or any remote semblance of fear - around the league. The chances they take - be it on a star receiver without a quarterback (Reggie Wayne), a running back returning from a season-ending injury (Ryan Grant), another back who everyone declared washed up two years ago (LaDainian Tomlinson), or a quarterback who's never made a full season (Matthew Stafford) - reflect the journey of their owner, a one-time whippit addict and compulsive liar who overcame his troubled past to take over a squad of loveable misfits.
Although Woody's pre-season trade of Ray Rice and Kenny Britt for Aaron Rodgers and Knowshon Moreno was much-maligned, Rodgers certainly held up his end of the bargain in Week 1, notching 25 points. But while Wayne (17) thrived with Rodgers under center, fellow receiver Jacoby Ford (0) clearly had yet to develop any rapport with the new acquisition. Rodgers' trademate Moreno (4) was ineffective, allowing the Hate My Aura defense to key on backfield mate Steven Jackson, limiting him to 12 points. With no other breakouts from the Warriors, the underdog label was ensured for another season with a 92-88 loss.
Just in case America got too excited by a mere 4-point deficit, Woody made sure to prove once again in Week 2 that his team has truly no business on a fantasy football field. Rodgers (22) was solid once again, and Mason Crosby (12) made a valiant effort from the kicker slot, but no other Warrior exceeded seven points, and most were well short of that. Oh, Woody.
Next week brings the Pickle Pumpers, a team that has scored less than all but three NBD franchises so far, giving us another chance to get our hopes up for a Warrior win, only to shake our heads lovingly afterwards, happily exclaiming... "Oh, Woody!"