Speaking of long-tenured, let me make a personal admission: lately, I've been feeling pretty fucking old. I don't have a problem with it: I'm not nostalgic for the "good old days" of my youth; I'm not feeling crickety or run-down (in fact, I'm in better shape now than I've been for the past 10 years or so); I don't feel any pressure to "settle down." But I've got more gray hairs all the time, I've got former students who I taught as children going into college, my memory is absolutely terrible, and I've been living in New York and teaching for longer than I lived in Charlottesville - and those four years felt like a lifetime.
Nowhere is my rapid advancement into old age more apparent than in the realm of sports - not so much in my own participation, which hasn't been particularly active since high school, but in the athletes I follow. Here's something you probably didn't hear about amidst news of the NFL, Ryder Cup, and MLB playoff hunt this weekend: Shareef Abdur-Rahim announced his retirement. For those of you who aren't NBA fans as I am, Abdur-Rahim is a guy who came into the league in '96 after only a year at Cal-Berkeley, and was almost immediately the best player on a nascent Vancouver Grizzlies team. 'Reef had his best years in Vancouver, but eventually went on to play in Atlanta, Portland, and Sacramento. His career was pretty unremarkable, except for setting a record for unremarkability: he had the most games played without a playoff appearance. The point of this is not to eulogize Abdur-Rahim; I don't even really care that he's retiring. The significance here is that I remember distinctly this guy's entire career, and that's 12 seasons in the NBA. I remember his seasons in Vancouver, thinking that he was gonna be one of the top 5 players in the Association for a long time (I have a weakness for power forwards with good post moves). I remember his trade to Atlanta, when it seemed brutally unfair that a guy who languished so long on such an awful team could somehow move to an even more awful team. I remember his brief stint on the Blazers, when he was one of the few likeable players on my once-favorite team. And I remember him as a crafty veteran for the past few seasons on a sub-par Sacramento Kings team (think a poor man's Antonio McDyess in his current Pistons stint). And now he's done. The start and end of a dozen years as a professional athlete, and I was basically an adult for both of them. That is getting old.
So what's all this SA-R business have to do with fantasy? Well, when I look at the top scorers in fantasy so far this season, part of me wants to say "well these are all just early-season deviations and I'm sure soon enough the Mannings and Tomlinsons and Mosses will be back near the top." But maybe these guys aren't just having down-weeks, and maybe they're not having injury problems. Maybe they're just old, and on the downside of their careers.
I can barely remember my first season of fantasy football: I inherited an already-drafted team and maybe checked my line-up once a week (a far cry from writing a 5,000-word blog entry about it). But I do remember that I had a rookie named LaDainian Tomlinson, and though there wasn't a ton of buzz about him league-wide yet, I got to see the kind of stats he was putting up each week and saw the beginning of an incredible career. Now I find myself wondering: is this just a toe injury, or is this the beginning of the end? Chances are, LDT will still be a productive running back for a few years to come, but given the lifespan of an average NFL rusher, the end of his Hall of Fame career is probably in sight. And when it's gone, that's one more career I'll have seen from start to finish. And that'll be just one more sign that I am fucking old. And you fuckers are, too.*
*and Will and Juse and Mark are really old.
Wow, that went from a simple fantasy intro to a meditation on my quarter-life crisis. Um, let's re-cap some games before I start crying.
Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 100.5, Juse and the Argonauts 86.5
As advertised on their smack board, this was a battle for the basement of the Western division, although thanks to how disgracefully bad Will's team is, neither team actually ended up at the absolute bottom of the standings. Dick actually had a very solid week on the strength of LaDainian Tomlinson's first big showing of the year (20 pts). That performance was part of a 38-point Monday night (with Laveranues Coles' 13 and David Harris' 5) that brought the Poon Pounders roaring back on an Argonauts team that could only watch helplessly as their Sunday lead dissipated into nothing. When you're 0-3, it's always nice to look for a bright side, and there are a few for Juse: Brandon Marshall (23) is already the third-highest scoring wide receiver this year, and he's only played in two games to everyone else's three. Julius Jones (22), who I had assumed was just about done as a fantasy factor, has parlayed the Seahawks receiveritis epidemic and a Maurice Morris injury into two unexpectedly outstanding weeks. Unfortunately for the Big Fancy F, nobody else really stepped up this week.
Egon Spengler 122, Pet Monkey 114
If Pet Monkey were a student in my class, I would say to him what I have said to so many students over the years: "!Ay, pobrecito!" The phrase is roughly equivalent to Livia Soprano's "Aw, poor you!" (about 5 mins in) in perfectly expressing the false compassion I feel for Billy in being the 2nd-highest scorer of the week - by a wide margin, no less - and still losing. But unfortunately for Billy, that's what you get when you step to the Spengler. The big boy again for us this week was Michael Turner (30), but he got a healthy dose of support from TJ Housh (22) in his 2008 breakout and free agent pick-up Anthony Fasano (12). Monday night was a bit of a nail-biter for me, with Billy's Nate Kaeding (13), Chansi Stuckey (10) and Antonio Gates (8) edging him ever closer to me, but Brett Favre's 18-point performance, despite the picks, kept me ahead. As for Roddy White (21), Aaron Rodgers (20), Larry Johnson (20), and Santana Moss (13), I have another common teacher comment: "Good Effort!"
If Pet Monkey were a student in my class, I would say to him what I have said to so many students over the years: "!Ay, pobrecito!" The phrase is roughly equivalent to Livia Soprano's "Aw, poor you!" (about 5 mins in) in perfectly expressing the false compassion I feel for Billy in being the 2nd-highest scorer of the week - by a wide margin, no less - and still losing. But unfortunately for Billy, that's what you get when you step to the Spengler. The big boy again for us this week was Michael Turner (30), but he got a healthy dose of support from TJ Housh (22) in his 2008 breakout and free agent pick-up Anthony Fasano (12). Monday night was a bit of a nail-biter for me, with Billy's Nate Kaeding (13), Chansi Stuckey (10) and Antonio Gates (8) edging him ever closer to me, but Brett Favre's 18-point performance, despite the picks, kept me ahead. As for Roddy White (21), Aaron Rodgers (20), Larry Johnson (20), and Santana Moss (13), I have another common teacher comment: "Good Effort!"
Alligator Fuckhouse 45.5, Sky Vault Centurions 98.5
Coming into this week, Alligator Fuckhouse was 2-0 to the Centurions' 1-1, but Souts' victories had come at the expense of two weak outings, including Dick's historically bad Week 1 performance and my completely aberrant Spengler showing in Week 2. Meanwhile, Andre was averaging over 100 points a week. The fantasy gods will only hide such inequities for so long, and this week proved it (unless of course you're Spencer, in which case the fantasy gods will fuck you again and again and again). The Fuckhouse turned in a putrid performance, with only Trent Edwards (11) reaching double figures. The Centurions, on the other hand, laid a solid foundation with their offensive big guns (Fitzgerald-20, Cutler-16, Portis-13), but really secured the victory with defense (Antoine Winfield's 10) and special teams (Robbie Gould's 12).
Coming into this week, Alligator Fuckhouse was 2-0 to the Centurions' 1-1, but Souts' victories had come at the expense of two weak outings, including Dick's historically bad Week 1 performance and my completely aberrant Spengler showing in Week 2. Meanwhile, Andre was averaging over 100 points a week. The fantasy gods will only hide such inequities for so long, and this week proved it (unless of course you're Spencer, in which case the fantasy gods will fuck you again and again and again). The Fuckhouse turned in a putrid performance, with only Trent Edwards (11) reaching double figures. The Centurions, on the other hand, laid a solid foundation with their offensive big guns (Fitzgerald-20, Cutler-16, Portis-13), but really secured the victory with defense (Antoine Winfield's 10) and special teams (Robbie Gould's 12).
Jeff Stryker is not really gay 58.5, Manatee Eaters 85
Of course, the big story in the NFL this week was Ronnie Brown's return from obscurity to have an utterly huge day, running for 4 touchdowns and passing for another. The big fantasy story is that nobody actually played him, including Chuck who left his 43 points on the bench. If he had played Brown, instead of, say, Edgerrin James (8), he might have actually squared or cubed the score of his opponent, the lowly Jeff Stryker is not really gay. Following the untimely death of 1st-round pick Laurence Maroney and the mysterious disappearance of Braylon Edwards (2), the only person left carrying the Jeff Stryker standard is Adrian Peterson. And in weeks like this one, where AP fails to go crazy (7), there's little chance of success for Shoaf. Meanwhile, Chuck's active players didn't do nearly as much as his bench, but 24 from Reggie Bush, 9 from Peyton Manning, and 8.5 out of IDP DeMeco Ryans were enough to put him well overtop Will's batch of losers.
Of course, the big story in the NFL this week was Ronnie Brown's return from obscurity to have an utterly huge day, running for 4 touchdowns and passing for another. The big fantasy story is that nobody actually played him, including Chuck who left his 43 points on the bench. If he had played Brown, instead of, say, Edgerrin James (8), he might have actually squared or cubed the score of his opponent, the lowly Jeff Stryker is not really gay. Following the untimely death of 1st-round pick Laurence Maroney and the mysterious disappearance of Braylon Edwards (2), the only person left carrying the Jeff Stryker standard is Adrian Peterson. And in weeks like this one, where AP fails to go crazy (7), there's little chance of success for Shoaf. Meanwhile, Chuck's active players didn't do nearly as much as his bench, but 24 from Reggie Bush, 9 from Peyton Manning, and 8.5 out of IDP DeMeco Ryans were enough to put him well overtop Will's batch of losers.
Skinny White Guys 53, Cholish Chachfaces 89
Like his fellow Manhattanite Souts, Bardey had a dreary Week 3, with the Skinny White Guys only barely surpassing the Fuckhouse's meager output. A brief perusal of the scoreboard reveals that Matt Forte (20) is responsible for nearly forty percent of that paltry score, so without the Bears' standout rookie, we're talking about a truly ugly fantasy performance here. Mark had a fine week, I suppose, with that Barber-Lynch 1-2 punch (23 and 21 pts, respectively) carrying him once again. But then, at 6:26 on Monday evening, everything changed when Mark made the fateful decision to post a message on my game's smackboard. That simple act was ballsy and stupid enough, but what's worse is that Chalski had the temerity to question the early-season dominance of one Michael Xavier Turner, suggesting that his success had been the result of weak opponents, rather than his equine heritage and the steady support of his lover, waiting patiently for the end of the season in his lonely little room in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. From that moment forward a dark cloud descended on the Chachfaces' season. If you've got any of Chalski's players in other leagues, I suggest you trade them soon for cents-on-the-dollar, for a terrible and frightful fate surely awaits them all.
Like his fellow Manhattanite Souts, Bardey had a dreary Week 3, with the Skinny White Guys only barely surpassing the Fuckhouse's meager output. A brief perusal of the scoreboard reveals that Matt Forte (20) is responsible for nearly forty percent of that paltry score, so without the Bears' standout rookie, we're talking about a truly ugly fantasy performance here. Mark had a fine week, I suppose, with that Barber-Lynch 1-2 punch (23 and 21 pts, respectively) carrying him once again. But then, at 6:26 on Monday evening, everything changed when Mark made the fateful decision to post a message on my game's smackboard. That simple act was ballsy and stupid enough, but what's worse is that Chalski had the temerity to question the early-season dominance of one Michael Xavier Turner, suggesting that his success had been the result of weak opponents, rather than his equine heritage and the steady support of his lover, waiting patiently for the end of the season in his lonely little room in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. From that moment forward a dark cloud descended on the Chachfaces' season. If you've got any of Chalski's players in other leagues, I suggest you trade them soon for cents-on-the-dollar, for a terrible and frightful fate surely awaits them all.
Week 9, Marcus. Week 9.
(By the way, keep this quiet, because we don't want Mark to hear, but he's got Philip Rivers, the only player currently ahead of Turner in fantasy scoring, on his bench. I guess he feels better with Matt "My receivers were homeless yesterday, and my spine will be tomorrow" Hasselbeck. Shhhhh!!! Don't tell!)
(By the way, keep this quiet, because we don't want Mark to hear, but he's got Philip Rivers, the only player currently ahead of Turner in fantasy scoring, on his bench. I guess he feels better with Matt "My receivers were homeless yesterday, and my spine will be tomorrow" Hasselbeck. Shhhhh!!! Don't tell!)
FUBAR 93.5, Chip Lohmiller 71
Who the fuck is Cortland Finnegan? I mean, I don't expect to know every single IDP we've got in this league, but I watch a shitload of football coverage, and presumably the top IDPs are actually good defensive players who would stand out in a game, but I've definitely never heard of Cortland Finnegan, a defensive back for the Titans who supplied FUBAR with 11 points this week. Although his name stands out to me for its unfamiliarity, there were a few names I knew well Fucking Chip Lohmiller Up Beyond All Recognition this week. Drew Brees and Frank Gore went for 24 points each, aided by Kevin Boss's 11. And despite leaving Joe Addai's 20 on the bench, Spence achieved a relatively easy victory over Dekker, whose NFC East connection let him down. Romo-Westbrook-Owens combined for a mere 16 points this week (most of that being Romo), leaving Maurice Jones-Drew (23) as the lone bright spot for Lohmiller. After leaving early in the game in Week 3, Westbrook could be out or looking at a lighter load next week, but Dekker should easily plug the hole with Rashard Mendenhall, who'll be getting his first NFL start with Willie Parker down.
Who the fuck is Cortland Finnegan? I mean, I don't expect to know every single IDP we've got in this league, but I watch a shitload of football coverage, and presumably the top IDPs are actually good defensive players who would stand out in a game, but I've definitely never heard of Cortland Finnegan, a defensive back for the Titans who supplied FUBAR with 11 points this week. Although his name stands out to me for its unfamiliarity, there were a few names I knew well Fucking Chip Lohmiller Up Beyond All Recognition this week. Drew Brees and Frank Gore went for 24 points each, aided by Kevin Boss's 11. And despite leaving Joe Addai's 20 on the bench, Spence achieved a relatively easy victory over Dekker, whose NFC East connection let him down. Romo-Westbrook-Owens combined for a mere 16 points this week (most of that being Romo), leaving Maurice Jones-Drew (23) as the lone bright spot for Lohmiller. After leaving early in the game in Week 3, Westbrook could be out or looking at a lighter load next week, but Dekker should easily plug the hole with Rashard Mendenhall, who'll be getting his first NFL start with Willie Parker down.
Whew. That was a god damned novella. Back in a few with Week 4 predictions.
1 comment:
As always, Sovic, great job. However, there are two points in which I wholeheartedly agree: I am old, and my team is a batch of losers. This is a sad season.
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