BIFL - Week 2 Review

Juse and the Argonauts 124, Chip Lohmiller 129
Our re-cap this week starts off with a barn-burner, as Week 2's highest-scoring teams met in an epic clash. Somebody drafted Juse a hell of a receiving corps (actually, two of these guys were keepers, so somebody drafted him one-third of a hell of a receiving corps), and with Brandon Marshall raring to go after coming off his suspension, they really came to play this week. Marshall, Plaxico Burress, and Anquan Boldin combined for an incredible 74 points (outscoring three Biffle franchises all by themselves). Add in 21 points from Julius Jones, and you've got what would amount to a fantasy victory in almost any league against almost any opponent in almost any week. Unfortunately for Juse, Chip Lohmiller is not just any opponent in any league. He is Dekker's team in BIFL, which needs he should, by every right, suck. And yet somehow he topped the Argos. Well, not somehow: he topped them by stocking up on players from by far this year's dominant division, the NFC East, in a week where two of them (Philly and Big D) were playing each other in a monday night shootout. Dekker's boys, Tony Romo, Brian Westbrook, and Terrell Owens, brought Lohmiller back from the dead to the tune of 75 points on Monday night. It's worth noting that 6 of those points came from a Brian Westbrook touchdown which, unless you haven't watched a second of sports broadcasting this week, you know was the result of DeSean Jackson's decision to perform his famous celebratory touchdown drop on the 1-yard line. Dekker's margin of victory? 5 points. Ooh that hurts. I suggest Mr. Jackson stay out of Oklahoma for the foreseeable future.

Pet Monkey 86.5, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 73.5
After last week, any kind of reasonable effort out of the Poon-Pounders would have been a vast improvement. And there was some improvement... from about three people. Eli Manning made for a big upgrade over Carson Palmer, dropping 22 points on the hapless Rams. Donald Driver had a respectable 11 points, and Chris Cooley went for 7, which is 7 more than he went for last week. Otherwise, though, this was more of an Aluminum Chef, without enough firepower to overcome even a modest week by Billy's Pet Monkey. Most of the Monkey's players were pretty mediocre in Week 2, but 164 receiving yards, 27 rushing yards, and two touchdowns were good for 28 points from Santana Moss, essentially proving to be the difference in this game. Apart from Moss, though, I see no evidence supporting Bardey's claim to have drafted Billy a good team, especially in the face of Juse's Sovic-drafted team putting up a huge week. I smell a side bet between Doit and myself.

Egon Spengler 61, Alligator Fuckhouse 81.5
On the other hand, the team I drafted for myself looked like a steaming pile of hot wet baby shit this week. Only one offensive touchdown, nobody but my kicker in double figures, and a goose-egg from my newly-acquired tight end: not exactly a world-beating performance. Souts' team was no offensive powerhouse either, aside from Anthony Gonzalez's 15-point performance, but the Fuckhouse proved once again this week how important IDPs can be. When Justin Tuck intercepted a Marc Bulger pass for a touchdown, Souts came running from the back of the bar we were at and danced a little jig in my face, prompting Trost to call it "the whitest thing I've ever seen." White though it may have been, it was enough, combined with another Int-TD later from Patrick Willis, to put Souts securely ahead of me. That puts both owners of last year's Pet Monkey suckfest at 2-0 for the 2008 season. Perhaps this was one divorce that was good for the kids?

Sky Vault Centurions 111.5, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 90
I finally took a few minutes this week to Wikipedia these two team names, about whose origins I was totally clueless. As it turns out, I was vaguely familiar with The Centurions, part of the 80's flood of cartoon-comic book-action figure series involving teams of superheroes with detachable/interchangeable weapon parts (providing the toy companies the opportunity to sell all sorts of accessory packages). I think I actually had a few of the action figures, as good guy Max Ray and bad guy Hacker look familiar to me. I think when I was a kid I thought I just had a few fucked up GI Joe figures, but they were actually Centurions. By the way, if I never mentioned it before, I played with GI Joes for waaay too long when I was a kid. Like I'm pretty sure most kids stop by like 1st or 2nd grade, and I went up to 7th grade. I actually remember having the conscious thought entering 7th grade "If I ever want to make any friends, I've got to stop playing with GI Joes." A similar decision was made a year or two later with comic books. Then somewhere along the line I lost those inhibitions, and now I just do whatever ultra geek-ass hobby my brain can come up with ("Spend an entire summer mastering Guitar Hero? Yeah! Waste five to six hours a week writing a fantasy football blog that will be read by almost no one? Definitely!").
Jeff Stryker, on the other hand, was apparently the star of hetero-, bi-, and homo-sexual porn films whose work I was entirely unfamiliar with (really, I swear). My favorite portion of the Wikipedia bio concerns Stryker's legal issues: "He is also noted for the “Jeff Stryker Cock and Balls,” a rubber dildo fashioned from a cast of his penis and widely sold in sex stores..." "Stryker sued Health Devices Inc. and California Publishers Liquidating Corp. for over $1 million for breach of contract and piracy when they sold a bootleg dildo of his genitals without paying him sufficiently." If I had a nickel for everytime somebody sold a bootleg dildo of my genitals... Anyways these two played a fantasy football game and I already forget what happened. Jay Cutler did good I think. Blah blah blah.

Manatee Eaters 81.5, Skinny White Guys 70.5
I have almost nothing to say about this unexciting match-up. Chuck won on the strength of several good but unspectacular performances, including 14 points each for Peyton Manning and Reggie Bush, and 13 points each for DeSean Jackson and Jason Witten. Jeremy Shockey had a big 0-fer, which would have hurt had Devery Henderson not had one as well for Bardey. Way to go, Skins' secondary! Anyways, Bardey had a similar batch of decent showings, including Tony Scheffler (18), Donovan McNabb (15), Matt Forte (11) and Santonio Holmes (10), so it was really the little guys--the IDPs and kickers--that made the difference in this one.

Cholish Chachfaces 110, FUBAR 96
The Chachfaces came out with guns blazing this week, ensuring another week of high scoring and no winning for Spencer. FUBAR had to be happy with the play of Calvin Johnson, who put up 28 points against the Packers, and Frank Gore, who had a respectable 13 points, but no one else really stepped up. Still, 96 points is a good week, but Chalski had a better week. Philip Rivers led the charge with 33 points, and he and Cutler look to be establishing themselves as the future of the QB position in fantasy football. The smashmouth rushing combo of Marshawn Lynch and Marion Barber stiff-armed their way to 34 points, and the receiving tandem of Reggie Wayne and Torry Holt was not far behind with 30. Although Rivers' performance was exceptional, I wouldn't be surprised to see this kind of output from the Chachfaces every week, making them a definite contender for the Biffle crown. Meanwhile, I think we can look forward to another futile season of awful, awful luck for the Spence-Frogg.

It's already Friday evening as I post this, so Previews will have to come soon or not at all (that's what she said!). Luckily, I'm too broke and too tired from last night's 9-mile run (that's right, bitches! Fitness!) to do anything tonight or tomorrow, so expect more geekitude soon.