...for Michael Turner.
I'm crazy in love. All week I've been dreaming about him. At school my students wonder where my head is at as I sit at my desk, idly doodling his #33, trying out different variations of "Mrs. Michael Turner," "Mr. & Mrs. Michael and Sovic Turner," "Mrs. Michael Turnersovic." I can't stop thinking about him; he just keeps running (get it?) through my brain. And late at night, when I'm lying in bed? I don't even want to tell you how I think about his ass. He's got an enormous ass. I think it's where his power comes from. I swear when he's cruising down the field it looks like the top end of a man and the back end of a horse. Is it wrong to love a centaur? I feel like I could pound that ass for hours and hours and he might not even notice! And he'd never complain, because Michael is patient and supportive. For years he sat behind LaDainian Tomlinson (lucky stiff), just quietly waiting for his chance to shine until he finally got it with the Falcons. And then he pounced. No, my Michael ain't a whiner or a dog; he's a supportive lover who'd let me tap that big baboon ass all night long without a complaint. He'd just occasionally look back and give me that smile. You know that smile of his, right?
Oh, fuck yeah.
By the way have I mentioned yet that my Dad shouldn't read this post? Dad, if you're reading this, go back like 2 paragraphs and stop. Also if any of my students Googled me and found this, you should stop reading, too. This is totally inappropriate for children your age. Anyways, here's your Biffle Week 1 Review:
Juse & the Argonauts 74, Pet Monkey 96
This was a battle of the shadow-teams, as Juse's Sovic-picked squad faced off against Billy's Bardey-selected roster. The result may be an indication of our puppet-picking styles (Bardey: consulting magazine rankings, fellow drafters, Billy's past tendencies; Sovic: chugging whiskey, puking on copy of Football Prospectus 2006, seeing which name had most bile). Then again, it could be the result of one of Billy's key players (Willie Parker) going off on the hapless Texans defense, whereas one of Justin's (Willis McGahee) never got off the bench. Outside of Parker's 33, neither team had any terribly impressive players. The Argos' Plaxico Burress looked good (15 pts, all of it yardage), and Monkey's Ben Roethlisberger (14 pts) had a respectable passing day to complement Parker's rushing, but both these teams are going to need someone to step up Fast Willie-style every week if they hope to contend this season.
Alligator Fuckhouse 69, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 28.5
This... was incredible. I wish I could devote this space to congratulating Souts on his first solo BIFL victory, but something far more historic happened here. Historically awful. Like, Dark Ages awful. I'm talking Bubonic Plague. Picture the elephant man, stung by a thousand bees, and shat upon by a herd of cows, and then shuddering at the sight of something far uglier: Dick's 28 and a half points this week. I don't have the time this week to go digging back into the archives, but if anyone can find a worse performance than this in Biffle history I will buy them dinner. Let's inspect this historic roll call: Carson Palmer - 2 points. Palmer's quarterback rating this week is only measurable in the Kelvin scale. LaDainian Tomlinson - 10 points. 10 points! Like manna from heaven! Pretty shitty for the #1 draft pick, though. Fred Taylor - 1 point. I'm pretty sure the Jags offensive line came down with leprosy. I saw a replay where Titans' D-lineman Albert Haynesworth found an ear on the field. Laveranues Coles - 0 points. Inside scoop: I ran into Brett Favre last weekend and he told me that Laveranues Coles refuses to shower with the other guys. And when the coach finally made him, he wore a t-shirt and jean shorts into the shower. Brett told me he would "never throw to that faggot." I thought it was harsh. Shaun McDonald - 2 points. Who? Oh right I remember that guy: Dick's 3rd-highest offensive scorer, right? Chris Cooley - 0 points. Maybe ought to spend less of his prep time for the game blogging and more of that time, well, prepping for the game. IDPs: 6.5 points. Thank god for these guys, or this might have been embarrassing! Nick Folk: 4 points. Didn't the Cowboys score like 5 touchdowns? Did this dude miss a PAT?
Oh man I'm so happy I started this blog so there'll be a persistent link to this performance forever and ever. I'll just post it every so often, when I'm feeling blue. OK moving on,
Jeff Stryker is not really gay 78.5, Egon Spengler 97
[see introduction]
Skinny White Guys 98, Sky Vault Centurions 93
This was one of the closer games this week, and the team's performances were eerily similar: strong comebacks from quarterbacks recovering from illness/injury (McNabb, 30, overcoming shoulder tendinitis, Cutler, 21, overcoming diabetes--seriously); and nearly identical running back production (22 from Grant/Smith, 21 from Portis/Jacobs). Andre actually dominated the wide receiver match-up, especially since Hines Ward and Ben Roethlisberger apparently made a Survivor-style alliance to shut out Santonio Holmes, and more than made up for the 9-point McNabb-Cutler disparity. So how did Bardey win this game? Easy: Mario Williams. You gotta love IDPs, or else Bardey does, because Super Mario's 8 points put him over the top in Week 1.
FUBAR 99, Manatee Eaters 110
As predicted, both of these teams came out strong to start the season. Drew Brees (29) fired up the Saints' offensive machine for what looks to be another season of fireworks, Frank Gore (22) looked like the Frank Gore we all expected to see in 2007, and Calvin Johnson and Lee Evans (12 each) both had solid days. If Spencer's top gun, Joseph Addai, had stepped up, he might have had the game in hand. Unfortunately, Addai apparently suffered a non-concussion, leading to the funniest series of RotoWire updates I've seen in a while, leading each story with the unlikely "Addai (head)..." Chuck, meanwhile, rode to victory on the shoulders of consistent performance across his team, including Peyton Manning (14), Reggie Bush (26), Edgerrin James (12), and Randy Moss (17).
Cholish Chachfaces 101, Chip Lohmiller 105
I'll tell you who Chalski hates this week: Donte' Stallworth. After strong showings from Marion Barber (22), Jerricho Cotchery (16), Reggie Wayne (14) and Marshawn Lynch (14), Mark must have felt like he was well-situated for a win. He was heading into Monday night with a sizeable lead, and all Dekker had playing was a last minute fill-in for the injured Donte' Stallworth: Denver receiver Eddie Royal. I'm sure by now we all know what happened with Mr. Royal on Monday night, as he went off for 146 receiving yards and a touchdown, leading Lohmiller to barely eclipse the Chachfaces in this week's closest game.
Royal and others started off the season with some surprising performances, but ultimately nothing surprises Commandant Lassard, as I correctly predicted all six of this week's games. If you want to know the future, stay tuned for my Week 2 predictions.
2 comments:
damn, viche well done. i wish i'd had the foreskin, er site, to draft turner. oh wait - i did in the 8th round last year specifically to keep him this year. i'm an idiot.
well done going 6-0 on the predictions - you should clearly open a sports betting account.
6-0 for picks? Fuck. I can't compete. Excellent first week of notes.
Post a Comment