BIFL - Week 1 Preview

It's always hard to know what to expect going into the first week of the season (well, except for the Giants-'Skins game; I'm pretty sure I can expect the 'Skins to look awful and throw third-down passes a few yards short of the first-down marker all game), but that won't stop me from making some completely uneducated predictions about what's going to happen this week.

Juse & the Argonauts vs. Pet Monkey

The Argonauts are off to a strong start already with the 15-point performance of Plaxico Burress, but Santana Moss' 9 keeps Billy in the hunt. I don't see either of these teams having a terrible advantage over the other, but with a lot of question marks surrounding Justin's team (Derek Anderson getting over a concussion, Darren McFadden in his first NFL game, Willis McGahee not quite 100%, and Anquan Boldin not really liking his team), I have to give a slight edge to Billy.

Pet Monkey by 5.
Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon

Dick's team has both the best starting player on any roster (LaDainian Tomlinson) and the worst (Shaun McDonald? Really?) this week, and the advantage of one might just cancel out the other, as Tomlinson has been a relatively slow starter the last few years. These owners will both be minding their P's and Q's this week, with a number of Probable and Questionable players on either team. Soutendijk, in particular, may face a difficult decision sunday morning as to whether to play Jamal Lewis or not, but Chris Perry (currently on his bench) is getting the starting nod for the Bengals, and may not represent much of a dropoff if Lewis can't go. Tom Brady is liable to tear up the Chiefs; neither team has much going for it in the receiver department; and Dick's tight end already played but scored like he didn't. With that in mind:

Fuckhouse by 8

Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. Egon Spengler

This one's gonna look like a blowout early since I've already got 8.5 points out of my linebacker and pretty much my entire team plays at 1:00 on Sunday, whereas Will's curiously-defensive-about-their-sexuality squad plays most of their games later or Monday night. These teams look remarkably well-matched to me, with Maroney-Turner, Houshmandzadeh-Edwards, Welker-Jennings, and Bowe-Jackson all more or less washes. I'll definitely give Will the edge at tight end (anybody want to trade me a TE?), but I'd still take Favre over Schaub, leaving us with the Adrian Peterson-Steven Jackson matchup. I'm gonna give the advantage to Jackson, simply because he doesn't have a Chester Taylor around to take carries, so:

Egon Spengler by 4

Skinny White Guys vs. Sky Vault Centurions

Another year, another team by Andre whose name means nothing to me. Fortunately, I am familiar with the names of the players on his team, and in fact watched two of them (Clinton Portis and Brandon Jacobs) run all over the field on Thursday night. Unfortunately for Dre, none of those runs made it into the end zone. With the Gringos boasting perhaps the best receiving group in the league, Andre needed that running back advantage to put him ahead in this game. While Ryan Grant and Kevin Smith aren't striking fear into anyone's hearts, they're probably not much worse than the 21 points put up by Portis and Jacobs.

White Guys by 10

FUBAR vs. Manatee Eaters

This is a match-up between two teams whose causes I've championed in past Biffle seasons, so it's hard to know who to support, especially now that both teams actually look halfway decent. Spencer has a decided RB advantage, although unlike a lot of the experts, I don't see any reason to expect Frank Gore to be significantly better than he was last year. Chuck, on the other hand, has a very balanced offensive attack, with skill at the QB (Manning) and WR (Moss) positions, plus what could prove to be our first full-season two-TE set featuring Jeremy Shockey and Jason Witten. For that alone,

Eaters by 7

Cholish Chachfaces vs. Extremely Bitter

Matt Hasselbeck is pretty good, but Tony Romo is very good. Marshawn Lynch is very good, but so is Maurice Jones-Drew. Marion Barber is a beast, but Brian Westbrook is the entire Eagles' offense. Reggie Wayne is awesome, but Terrell Owens is (I shudder to say it) Hall of Fame good. See where this is going? These teams both look pretty good to me, but cumulatively, Dekker's is dominant.

Bitter by 10

Like last year, I'll be keeping track of my overall record. If you'd like to compete with me, post your predictions in the Comments section. I will destroy you.