NBD - Week 4 Review

First of all, let me say ketiva ve-chatima tovah to the Toobins, the Hallers, and Papkin, who celebrated Rosh Hashanah this week. Rosh Hashanah, for those of you who don't know, marks the beginning of the new year in the Jewish calendar, and was celebrated from sundown Monday to sundown Wednesday this week. Unlike the secular (or "actual") New Year, Rosh Hashanah actually has some deeper meaning beyond drinking yourself into oblivion, making out with the nearest sloppy beast at midnight, and spending the next day slaving over a hot stove to make black-eyed peas for your friend's retarded tradition, only for him to complain that they're undercooked. But I digress: as the kick-off to the High Holidays, Rosh Hashanah marks the beginning of a period of repentance for the Jewish people which concludes on Yom Kippur next Thursday. And those Jews aren't just repenting for the heck of it: they're trying to save their asses, because Rosh Hashanah is the day when God opens the three books of account, recording the names of the wicked, the righteous, and what are traditionally known as the "ech, who knows?"
For me, Rosh Hashanah meant two days off of school, most of which was spent in quiet reflection and watching Champions League soccer. But in between taking hits from blowing on my shofar, I thought about the image of G_d, sitting on his throne as the books of account are opened and each person's deeds pass in front of him, to be judged as wicked, redeemable or righteous. Something about it seemed so familiar... and then it hit me, Ronnie Mervis's power rankings! Last year I separated the teams of NBD into the righteous, the respectable, and the repellant on a weekly basis. And while I'm ot about to start doing that every week again, I thought the 4-week mark would be a good time to take stock of the league. Without further ado...
Commandant Lassard's 2008 First Quarter Power Rankings

12) Cmdt. Mauser - Stadler & Waldorf

My team is not even good enough to merit equivalence to the original Police Academy villain. No, we are the replacement villain for those years when the actor who played Captain Harris decided to do summer stock: Commandant Mauser. Going into this year without a legit top keeper option, I knew things would be bad... but I did not know they would be this bad. My top two draft picks (one of whom was a keeper that cost me an 8th-round pick) have scored a total of 32 points. I have turned Nate Burleson into Hank Baskett into David Patten into Kevin Walter. My squad has scored 50 less points than the nearest low scorer, with no real hope on the horizon. Yowzer, yowzer, indeed.
11) Capt. Thaddeus Harris - Woody's Warriors

As an acronym, WW suits this team well: the Walking Wounded. The Warriors came into this season looking to rely on Brian Westbrook and Carson Palmer; now, both are down. The supporting cast around them is middling at best: Maurice Jones-Drew has had a disappointing performance so far, and Palmer's backups are Matt Ryan and Matt Cassel, two Matts that even I passed on when I realized that Matt Hasselbeck and Matt Schaub weren't getting it done. If Westbrook comes back strong (and indeed, it didn't seem like that serious of an injury) and Woody can find a respectable QB, he'll jump up these rankings quickly. Until then, though, he's down here with the Mausers of the world.

10) Capt. Peter Lassard - Chestpubes & Ballfro

On the surface, Commandant Lassard's brother Pete seems like a good guy. He follows the code of protect and serve; he encourages the growth of the force by encouraging recruiting at the Academy; and he's played by Howard Hesseman, who was a loveable rascal first on WKRP in Cincinnati and then again on Head of the Class. But the truth is that Capt. Lassard is a guy who's only looking out for himself and how his brother Eric's successes or failures will reflect on him. Ultimately, the brothers Lassard appear the same, but scratch the surface and their ideologies are entirely different. The same is true of myself and my roommate, Joe Colly. True, we can agree that Tony Romo, LaDainian Tomlinson and Chris Johnson are good fantasy players. But Chestpubes & Ballfro, as presently configured, feature a backup kicker and a backup defense. And frankly, that is something I just can not support.9) Sgt. Proctor - Lassard Blows Harris

If Papkin is right, and Commandant Lassard really is blowing sworn enemy Captain Harris, then Sergeant Proctor is the guy hiding in the corner jerking off, a role that suits weird stalker Sam just right (see: his Sovicesque avatar; my gmail inbox). Papkin's team is actually .500, and his scoring total is not that low, so what has him down here towards the bottom of the rankings? The same thing that torpedoed Woody's Warriors: health. Willis McGahee hasn't looked 100% since the season started, and he apparently had his eyes pecked out a few weeks ago to boot. Anquan Boldin is a stud, but his head looked like a pecan in a nutcracker this weekend when he got crunched between two Jets DBs. Willie Parker has his 12th knee injury since coming into the league 3 years ago. Donovan McNabb is a ticking time bomb. If Papkin can make it through the next 5 or 6 weeks with a healthy team and a decent record, he'll have a shot, but I don't see it happening.
8) Ofc. Sweetchuck - Matt Ryan Loves Dogs

Like Officer Sweetchuck, who overcame his tiny stature and history of being picked on as a store clerk to become one of the Academy's finest cadets, Koehler has had to fight for success against the odds this season. The seeming cornerstone of the squad, Tom Brady, went down early, never to return, but Kurt Warner has been an admirable fill-in. Unfortunately, the rest of the roster is pretty unspectacular. Frank Gore has been outstanding, but TJ Houshmandzadeh and the Cincy offense have sputtered, Thomas Jones looks as ordinary as he did last year, and Roy Williams seems to lose more and more touches every week to Calvin Johnson. So while it's nice to root for MRLD, like Sweetchuck, they'll never be more than a bit player.

7) Ofc. Zed - Mephistopheles

Oddly enough, the one amongst us with an actual history in law enforcement fills the spot named after that least law-abiding of patrolmen, former gang member Officer Zed. Like Zed,though, Ray is trying to live down his past by putting together a team that might actually be decent. Drew Brees is absolutely killing it this year, and at the moment he's the 2nd-highest scorer in all of fantasy. Greg Jennings is third among receivers, and Larry Johnson has looked in the past two weeks like Larry Fucking Johnson. With support from Laveranues Coles, David Garrard, and DeSean Jackson, that's the makings of a quality squad. The only questionable aspect of Mephisto's management is his slow-growing understanding of the importance of the waiver wire (just last week he was wondering to me why it is that all of us wake up at 3:45 on
wednesday mornings to pick guys up). Lame grabs like Brandon Lloyd and Cedric Benson aren't making this team any better, but a few additions with some actual talent could turn this team into a legit contender.

6) Sgt. Laverne Hooks - Tri Steeg Area
I'll be honest, I can't think of any comparisons to draw between Kex, his team, and the diminutive, pipsqueak-voiced Sergeant Hooks. But it is funny to imagine Manning with a jheri curl poking out from beneath his police cap, speaking in a high-pitched little whisper through a megaphone. Anyways, Tri Steeg Area's got the potential for some crazy high-scoring weeks. He's got players like Terrell Owens, Lee Evans and Reggie Bush (and JT O'Sullivan?) who are capable of enormous fantasy days. Then again, they're also capable of big fat stinkers. As long as somebody different is stepping up each week, this team will keep winning games. But a couple of those stinkers on the same week, and Kex is gonna be looking awfully meek... like Sgt. Hooks?

5) Sgt. Larvell Jones - CH Croakies

When I was a kid, Michael Winslow's portrayal of Jonesy, the human sound sampler, was pretty much the be-all end-all of comedy. I mean, he could sound like anything! A siren! A squeaky pair of shoes! An alien spaceship transmission! There was nothing he couldn't do. Now that I'm older, and I've been exposed to the more nuanced and complex comedic stylings of modern masters like Will Ferrell, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Johnny Knoxville, I know that that sound effect-based humor was empty, shallow. You know what else is empty and shallow? The fantasy success of Adrian Peterson. His 420 rushing yards, 52 receiving yards, and 3 touchdowns are like a giant bag of Jolly Ranchers: they'll crank you up with a sugar rush early in the season, but you know that somewhere down the line Peterson's body is going to crumple like that empty bag of fruit-flavored hard candy and Elliott's chance at success is going to puke all over itself and pass out like an overfed kid on Halloween. Until that happens, though, it's a pretty good team.

4) Sgt. Debbie Callahan - Burke City Giants

I've always wanted to say this in a write-up about Michael Toobin's fantasy team: Sergeant Callahan had enormous tits. The Burke City Giants' stregth comes from a killer pair as well: Marshawn Lynch and Michael Turner. Thus far this season, they are number 1 (Turner) and number 7 (Lynch) in overall scoring for running backs, averaging 33 points a week between them. That's just about my weekly scoring average, total. On top of that, Michael's got Steve Slaton as his third RB, and he's been putting up some pretty big performances lately as well. Add in Reggie Wayne, who I believe will only get better as the season goes on, and this is a formidable group. Almost as formidable as those 36DDs on Sergeant Callahan.

3) Sgt. Moses Hightower - The Leadfarmers

Who better to occupy the spot named after a toughass black dude than the team named after a (admittedly fake) toughass black dude? Like Bubba Smith, the Leadfarmers' game is built on power and size. Power: Marion Barber knocking out linebackers, Brett Favre breaking fingers with his passes. Size: Plaxico Burress and Randy Moss (though he's admittedly been a disappointment) towering over defenseless cornerbacks, LenDale White bellying his way into the endzone. Obviously we're not going to see 6 touchdowns out of Favre every week, and Chris Johnson might steal more and more touches from White as the season goes on, but as long as Favre doesn't die and Barber keeps punishing instead of being punished, I see no reason that the Leadfarmers can't put a winning team out there every week (assuming Plaxico can convince his team to let him back on the field, that is).

2) Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry - Wyld Stallyns

It pains me, after years of mocking DeYoung, to put him this high in my rankings. And maybe this'll serve as just the kind of jinx he needs to knock him back down to the bottom. But like his ultra-conservative brother, Sergeant Tackleberry, DeYoung's got the big guns this season. Admittedly, these are not necessarily fantasy names that would have blown you away (get it? big guns-blown away?) last season. But 2007's average Philip Rivers and Santana Moss have turned into 2008's #3 quarterback and #2 wide receiver. The Stallyns' running back situation might not look ideal at first glance, but Julius Jones has been carrying the load surprisingly well, and Steven Jackson traditionally gets better and better as the season goes on (check out my write-up of Egon Spengler in the BIFL power rankings for some statistical evidence of this). Throw Marques Colston back in the mix in a few weeks, plus the possibility that Braylon Edwards snaps out of his coma, and this is a powerful team from top to bottom.

1) Sgt. Carey Mahoney - Hamster Now Guinea Pig

It would be hard to say whose success is more undeserved: Steve Guttenberg's or Matt Haller's. And yet here they both are, atop the rankings. Mahoney is here for his effortless cool, his calm in the face of pressure, his steady leadership of his fellow cadets, and his midriff-baring half-shirts. Haller is here for entirely different reasons, mainly Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. I've said it before, but it doesn't make it any less true, that Cutler-Marshall is this year's Brady-Moss, capable of putting up huge numbers in any given week. On top of that, Haller's got a great 1-2 RB combo going with Clinton Portis and Joe Addai and two more solid receivers in Steve Smith and Santonio HOlmes. Edgerrin James is a more than capable bench back, and now that Bobby Engram is healthy again he should be a solid fill-in as one of the only legitimate options for Matt Hasselbeck in Seattle. This is a team full of studs. I'm pretty sure I don't have a single player on my team that would start for this team, and for that Haller has achieved the coveted number one spot. The only question is, can he keep it?
I'll re-visit the rankings a few weeks down the road to answer that, and other questions. Meanwhile, I've already written pages without even addressing the week 4 slate, so let me do this quickly:

Michael Pemulis 59.88, Hamster Now Guinea Pig 95.14

A 21-point day for Edgerrin James plus 28 from Cutler-Marshall is basically enough right there to put my team away. Negative points from my top draft pick, Ryan Grant, seals the deal.

CH Croakies 103.54, The Leadfarmers 94.96

Two top teams squared off, with E getting the best of this one thanks to Adrian Peterson (21), Jason Campbell (18), and Jamal Lewis (15), whose combined efforts were enough to overcome Brett Favre's huge day (35).

Chestpubes & Ballfro 88.3, Tri Steeg Area 105.08

24 each out of Romo and LDT wasn't enough to push the rest of the under-performing Chestpubers over the well-balanced attack of Tri Steeg, featuring the Tampa Bay D (18), Earnest Graham (17), Lee Evans (17) and TO (15).

Wyld Stallyns 97.4, Mephistopheles 118.72

Mephisto breaks a 13-game losing streak thanks to huge efforts by LJ (30), Brees (25) and Greg Jennings (23). Steven Jackson's 25 gives Deezer hope for his primary back, but hope is traditionally abandoned by those entering Mephistopheles' domain.

Lassard Blows Harris 66.38, Woody's Warriors 79.02

Nothing really special here, just two mediocre teams having lame weeks against each other. And the both outscored me. [sigh] Congrats to Woody, though, for notching his first win of the season. I'm still waiting on mine. [sigh] [again]

Burke City Giants 83.96, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 74.38

Steve Slaton (18) has his second straight week as a fantasy stud gaining most of his points through the air, proving that he may be Bush Lite (or Bush Heavy, considering Reggie's relative lack of fantasy success). Jake Delhomme (20) also had a solid day, topping Koehler's high scorer Kurt Warner (18).

Woof. I've been working on these rankings for like three days now, so I'm kind of exhausted, but I'll be back tomorrow with Week 5 previews. See you then.