BIFL - Week 5 Preview

With fewer teams and less prominent offenses on byes this week, BIFL squads should be at pretty much full strength unless they've been relying on Derek Anderson, Jamarcus Russell, or Marc Bulger. And if they have... well then "full strength" is kind of a relative term anyway, isn't it?

Sky Vault Centurions vs. Juse and the Argonauts
Well, as I said, bye weeks won't affect these two teams much, but that doesn't keep Juse from having plenty of players sidelined by P's, Q's and O's. Plaxico Burress is on the bench for missing a Giants team meeting, and Anquan Boldin is on the bench for missing a couple hundred thousand brain cells after last week's devastating hit. Leaving Juse to rely heavily on his Seahawks (Julius Jones and Deion Branch, returning to the lineup for the first time this season) against a stout New York defense. With Juse's big gun (Brandon Marshall) being offset in points by the Centurions' Jay Cutler, and Larry Fitzgerald (also a Centurion) potentially picking up some of the slack from Anquan Boldin, these teams fates seem intertwined to Andre's advantage.
Centurions by 9

Egon Spengler vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon
OK, I'll admit to being a little worried this week, despite the fact that Dick's team is a steaming pile of dogshit. But I'm starting Jason Campbell, who despite looking good so far this season hasn't overcome his tendency to hold on to the ball for hours at a time, going against the crazy swarm-blitz defense of the Eagles. Michael Turner is in Green Bay, and has yet to prove that he can produce anywhere outside of Atlanta, and Chris Johnson is up against the solid defense of the Ravens. All the same, I don't really see Eli Manning having a big day without his boy Plax, and the Dolphins and Chiefs (LDT and Steve Smith's opponents), despite being awful teams, actually have pretty good defenses. Also I would just never pick Dick to beat me, so...
Spengler by 5

Manatee Eaters vs. Pet Monkey
Peyton Manning hasn't done much yet this season, but he just had a week off to get ready for this game and he's playing the Texans, a team he loves to pick apart. With the rest of these teams looking pretty evenly-matched to me, the disparity in quarterbacks - Pet Monkey's Ben Roethlisberger is questionable to start, as is his back-up Aaron Rodgers - will probably be the difference-maker in this one.
Eaters by 4

Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Cholish Chachfaces
Woof. This is gonna be ugly. In case you missed it, I put out some BIFL power rankings earlier this week, and these two teams were at the extremes. If you haven't read it, I bet you can guess who was at the top and who was at the bottom without even visiting the link: Souts' team is starting Trent Edwards, Deuce McAllister, Michael Pittman, and Antonio Bryant. Chalski's team is starting Philip Rivers, Marshawn Lynch, Marion Barber, and Reggie Wayne. This should be fun.
Cholachs by 15

Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. FUBAR
Spencer has a logo! Spencer has a logo! After months of lobbying, I finally see something besides a little red X in the spot where the FUBAR team picture is supposed to be. Granted, it's a low-res image of what looks like a 2-man, mustached heavy metal band, but it's a logo nonetheless, and it removes the factor I normally use for deciding against the Frogg in close contests. It wouldn't really have mattered this week, though, as I don't see this being a close contest. Will was hitting me up for advice this week on deciding whether to start Warrick Dunn or Mewelde Moore. Whichever shitter he chose would be facing off with the FUBAR combo of Frank Gore and Joe Addai. That's not a good match-up.
FUBAR by 13

Skinny White Guys vs. Chip Lohmiller
Here's what I know: the Cincinnati Bengals are an abysmal team. The Cowboys are a good team. The Cowboys' dynamic duo, Tony Romo and Terrell Owens, are supposedly fighting, and need to prove to America that they're getting along. So TR and TO are probably gonna blow up this week. But there's other stuff I know: the Detroit Lions are an abysmal team. Matt Forte is turning into an excellent professional football player who can run and receive. His team, the Bears, hates the Lions. He is probably gonna blow up this week. Here's one more thing I know: Ryan Grant has difficulty urinating in public restrooms when there are other men in the bathroom, so if he steps up to the urinal and then someone else enters the bathroom he just has to stand there for thirty seconds, pretend he's pissing, do a fake shake-off and leave. It's really sad.
Lohmiller by 8

You may have noticed that the Week 4 Review was a game short. I had decided to hold off on reviewing Bardey's performance until he was out of the Grand Canyon and back into satellite range, but apparently he didn't like that, so here ya go:

FUBAR 84, Skinny White Guys 69
FUBAR's leading scorer this week, as in most weeks, was Drew Brees with 24 points. His second-leading scorer was Lee Evans, with 16. His third-leading scorer was Frank Gore, with 13. Oh wait you know who else had 13? The kicker, Rian Lindell. That's pretty good for a kicker, huh? Oh but Bardey's kicker, Jeff Reed, had 13 as well! Oh ho ho, we've got a game here! But maybe not, because Bardey's kicker-13 was not the 3rd- or 4th-highest scorer, it was his first. In fact it was one of only three Skinny White Guys in double figures, complementing Bardey's top running back's 0-point day and his top wide receiver's 3-point day. Things are ugly in White Guy land, with no respite in sight. Time for Bardey to make some moves.
So that finishes off your review of Week 4, as well as your preview of Week 5.

Last week: 2-4 (uf)
Overall: 16-8 (still silly)

Here's something beautiful:

And here's something hideous:

Good luck in Week 5, except for Dick, who I hope gets stabbed with a dull blade by a fat, tattooed snorkeler in a speedo.