BIFL - Week 4 Review

You know what used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid? This.

The episodes themselves tended to be pretty silly and fun rather than legitimately scary, but the intro and outro used to have me shitting my pants, especially when I watched the show in the basement of my old house on Winnipeg Court. After watching, I'd have to walk up two flights of stairs to get to my room, and to my frightened pre-adolescent brain those stairs were exactly like the ones you descended (and then ascended) during the intro and outro of "Tales from the Crypt."
By the way, HBO, I know you're hot shit because you gave us "The Sopranos" and "The Wire" and all, but in the midst of making suckfests like "True Blood," "In Therapy," "John from Cincinnati," and the latest Hookers at the Point update, maybe you could give us something actually entertaining, like TFTC used to be. I'd watch the episode where Joe Pantoliano transplants a cat's nine lives into his (SPOILER ALERT: the cat died in the procedure! Think about the ramifications of that!) a thousand times before I'd once watch that episode of "Entourage" where it looks like Vince's career in Hollywood might be over, only to be saved by a fantastic twist of fate and some clever maneuvering by E and Ari.*
So what does a nerdy little kid sprinting up his suburban basement stairs have to do with fantasy football? Well, like 10-year-old Sovic, you too should be scared out of your mind: we're four weeks into the fantasy season, over a quarter of the way through, and you still have no idea whether your team is great or awful. You're probably 2-2 (more than half of us are), your team team will drop sixty points in a week (as Dekker's did from week 2 to week 3) and then jump sixty points the next (as mine did from week 2 to week 3). Fortunately, I am here to help assuage your fears. You may have no idea whether your team is awful or awesome, but I know exactly how good you are. And I am willing to share my wisdom with you. To that end, here are your quarterly BIFL Power Rankings...
*oh wait, that's every episode for five seasons now

12. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-2)
In preparation for these rankings, I made some notes on each roster, including strengths, holes, disappointments, surprises, and key pick-ups. Next to "strengths" in my notes for Alligator Fuckhouse, I have "???". Souts' heavy reliance on the AFC North has proven disastrous, as Jamal Lewis, Chad Johnson, Kellen Winslow, and Chris Perry have all disappointed. To salvage his season, Souts will need Deuce McAllister to explode (in a good way, not the bad way he normally does) or will need a huge pick-up off the waiver wire.

11. Skinny White Guys (1-3)
Matt Forte has been a pleasant surprise for Bardey, and Donovan McNabb has managed to stay healthy. That's about all that's gone right for Bardois this season. Ryan Grant has changed his strategy from breaking big runs and scoring touchdowns last year to nursing sore hamstrings and eating bags of dicks this year. The much-vaunted wideout trio of Andre Johnson, Santonio Holmes, and Marques Colston has been ineffective, inactive, and injured, respectively. Doit made a good move to shore up his running game by adding Earnest Graham, but he'll need a few more trades like that to be competitive.

10. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (1-3)
Having a few outstanding players can do a lot for you in fantasy. Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings are both big-day guys who can break out in any given week and win a game for you. Unfortunately, being dependent on one or two guys is usually not going to get you all the way to a championship, hence Will's tendency every year to get to the playoffs and then quickly bow out. This year, he's off to a slow start, meaning that even making the playoffs might be a long shot.

9. Juse and the Argonauts (1-3)
Let me start by saying this: Juse has an incredible set of receivers. Brandon Marshall, Anquan Boldin, and Plaxico Burress are all legit #1 receivers. But Boldin just had his head smooshed and Plax just got suspended by his own team. Julius Jones has been playing pretty decently, but I'm not really sure I see that continuing, and Willis McGahee and Darren McFadden have yet to prove that their worth their early-round selections. If those receivers get back on track once they're playing again and somebody else steps up for the Argos, this team will rocket up these rankings, but until then, he's relegated to the bottom third.

8. Pet Monkey (3-1)
Billy's team looked pretty awful to me heading into this season, but he's had a few pleasant surprises that have propelled him to a strong start. Aaron Rodgers has been a more-than-able replacement, at least in fantasy terms, in Green Bay. Santana Moss has been playing great in Washington's new West Coastish offense. And Larry Johnson has started to resemble the LJ of old. That said, I don't see a lot of other talent on this team; Rodgers just suffered a shoulder injury to his throwing arm, and LJ is in a lousy offense. So while Billy is one of the few owners with a positive record, I have a feeling it won't be positive for long.

7. Manatee Eaters (4-0)
I get confused every time I look at Chuck's team and see a picture of myself. I also get confused when I look at his roster and compare it to his record. The Eaters have had a huge disappointment this year in Randy Moss, who apparently has decided to go on strike in protest of the dirty hit he didn't see on Tom Brady. The Eaters' QB, Peyton Manning, didn't tear up his knee as badly as Brady, but he doesn't quite seem like the Peyton of old, either. One thing Chuck does have going for him is a good early record and a preponderance of running backs. Reggie Bush, Steve Slaton, Ronnie Brown, and Steve Slaton are all startable fantasy players. If he can convert them via trade into some startable receivers, he'll be a force in the playoffs. As is, though, that 4-0 start might get him to the post-season, but it won't get him through it.

6. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (2-2)
If you have LaDainian Tomlinson, you're pretty much guaranteed not to be in the bottom half of my power rankings. But LDT is not the alpha and omega of the Poon-Pounders. Laveranues Coles and Steve Smith are starting to look like the 2006 versions of themselves, especially with Coles and Favre seemingly developing a strong rapport in New York. Eli Manning is unspectacular, as ever, but I hate to say he's pretty uncraptacular as well, and as far as fantasy goes having a merely decent quarterback can get you pretty far. If Chris Cooley can start getting a piece of some of these Redskins touchdowns or Dick can find a solid RB2, this team will be a force.

5. Egon Spengler (2-2)
Here's what this team is going to need to succeed: management. Egon Spengler has got two quarterbacks (Favre and Jason Campbell) in the top 10 fantasy-wise. I've got three running backs (Michael Turner, Chris Johnson, and Steven Jackson) in the top 12, including the #1 back right now (my boyfriend). I've got no legit #1 receiver, but I've got like 8 decent ones. What I'll need to do is manage the starting lineup well. As the season goes on and I get to know my players better, that should be easier and easier. It'll probably be easiest right as I'm easing into the playoffs and another BIFL championship.
Coincidentally, I was doing a little research into my boy Steven Jackson the other day. He was starting slow and I was considering trading him. Here's what I found:
In 2007, he averaged 69 rushing yards, .25 touchdowns, and 17 rec yds in the first 8 weeks and stepped that up to 91/.5 td/26 in the next 8. In 2006, the difference was even more dramatic: 86/.375/40 for the first half, 103/1.2/59 for the second.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you fuckers know what's good for you, you won't let me and S-Jax into the playoffs.

4. Chip Lohmiller (2-2)
I think it's pretty well-established by now that the NFC East is the strongest division in football, and Dekker has a stranglehold on its fantasy superstars. Tony Romo and Terrell Owens are in one of football's most powerful offenses, and Brian Westbrook is the Eagles' offense. On top of that, Lohmiller has Chris Chambers and Eddie Royal, receivers in the two best offenses outside of the NFC East. What keeps this group out of my top 3 is question marks. Owens is starting to squawk in Dallas, and despite a few seasons of seemingly happy relations, you never know when things are going to go sour with him. Westbrook missed last week, and might be out again this week. He's never really made a full season healthy, and while missing weeks 4 and 5 isn't such a big deal for this team, missing weeks 14 and 15 will be. Eddie Royal came out like gangbusters to start the season, but with Brandon Marshall back in the picture he's returned to earth. The potential for a juggernaut is certainly there, but there are too many question marks right now.

3. FUBAR (2-2)
Drew Brees is the top player in fantasy right now. Frank Gore is the second-highest scoring running back. Calvin Johnson is establishing himself as an elite fantasy wide receiver. Joseph Addai is a sleeping giant. LeRon McClain and Felix Jones are solid bench options. I say it every year, and I'll say it again: the Frogg's team is for real. The problem is that he's got the worst luck of any fantasy player I've ever seen, regularly leading the league in close losses and points against. If he can figure out what he did to anger the gods and turn it around (I've heard that Jobu likes cigars, rum) he's got a shot at the title.

2. Sky Vault Centurions (2-2)
What I almost always like about Andre's teams can be summed up in two words: balance & consistency. He might not always have fantasy superstars on his roster, but he's got a lot of solid players who you know are gonna produce points every week. Clinton Portis fits that description; Larry Fitzgerald fits that description; Hines Ward fits that description. On top of that, he's got burgeoning fantasy monster Jay Cutler. Roy Williams has been a disappointment so far this season, but with two other quality receivers, Andre can afford to wait around and see if he regains form later in the season. When you play the Centurions, you know you're going to need a supreme performance to beat them, and for that he grabs the #2 spot. But they're still not quite...

1. Cholish Chachfaces (2-2)
Let's get something straight: Mark is a bitch. He floats around from smackboard to smackboard, starting shit, bad-mouthing players and owners, and bringing in completely irrelevant playoff baseball chatter. But though he may be a bitch, his team is scary good. It starts with that RB engine featuring two legitimate #1 backs, Marion Barber and Marshawn Lynch. Philip Rivers has quickly joined the top ranks of fantasy players this season, averaging over 20 points. The wide receiver position has been slightly disappointing, but I don't believe Reggie Wayne will be held down for long, Torry Holt may see his offense re-energized by the Rams' coaching change, and Jerricho Cotchery is catching passes from the ol' gun-slinger, whose many interceptions won't hurt Cotchery's value any. No one on Chalski's bench is scaring me right now, but as long as he keeps this core healthy and intact, I don't see a better team in the league right now.

It'll be interesting to see how the next couple weeks play out, especially with people negotiating bye weeks and the continual pile-up of injuries, and we'll re-visit the power rankings in another month or so to see how wrong I was.
Having devoted a lot of time to the rankings this week, you'll excuse me if the Week 4 write-ups are a little shorter than usual.

Egon Spengler 90.5, Juse and the Argonauts 109
I'm not sure if it's awesome or bullshit that Justin got his first win against the man who drafted his team for him, but whichever it was, it happened. Big days out of Delhomme (21), Boldin (17), Marshall (11) and Isaac Bruce (11) gave the Argos their second-highest score of the season, enough to beat a Spengler squad that left Favre's 35 and Chris Johnson's 19 on the bench.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 99.5, Chip Lohmiller 85.5
Dick didn't get the memo about Carson Palmer's injury in time to sit him, but Palmer's 0-fer was more than made up for by Laveranues' big day. Lohmiller has his own injury woes with Westbrook out and Rashard Mendenhall going down for the season in his first start. MJD (4) appears to be injured too with a case of acute cantscoreitis.

Pet Monkey 110.5, Sky Vault Centurions 84
The return of LJ and the continued strength of Santana Moss carried the day for the Monkey in this one. Andre had plenty of solid performances, but no huge days and a few stinkers by Josh Reed (4), Hines Ward (5), and Todd Heap (0).

Manatee Eaters 88, Alligator Fuckhouse 75.5
Chuck's team eats manatees, Souts' team eats shit. Jamal Lewis and Chad Johnson had their best days of the year, but at 14 and 10, respectively, those best days aren't particularly good.

Cholish Chachfaces 78, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 119.5
OK, I was trying to ignore this week's game outcomes when I wrote the player rankings for fear that they might overly influence me. Had I seen 78 points from Chalski, he probably wouldn't have gotten that #1 spot. But I still fear the Chach, and despite solid days out of Warner (18), Peterson (20) and Jennings (26), I still think Stryker are a bunch of posers.

Now that you all know where you stand and how you've done so far, let's see some trades out there! Remember, trading freezes the value of a keeper for another season, so if you've got an equivalent keeper to someone on another team, it benefits you both to make the trade. Wes Welker was a 12th-rounder for me this year: Who wants him in the same round next year when he gets Tom Brady back? Call me!