NBD - Week 2 Preview

The Chief and I are headed up to Boston this weekend to catch a game at Fenway, so without a leisurely Saturday around the house to write another tome, Week 2 predictions will be short and sweet.

I Drink Your Milkshake! vs. Chestpubes & Ballfro
I'd be hard-pressed to name a weekend in the past three seasons when I'd take my team over Colly's, but for some reason I've got a good feeling about this Battle of Brooklyn. Maybe it's because Ryan Grant, Steven Jackson, and Hines Ward are all taking on atrocious defenses.
Milkshake by 3

CH Croakies vs. Tri Steeg Area
Looks relatively even to me, but Manning's got horrible fantasy luck.
Croakies by 5

The Leadfarmers vs. Mephistopheles
Unfortunately, I foresee Drew Brees going nuts on the Redskins this weekend, giving Ray perhaps the top scorer of the week.
Mephistopheles by 4

Zorn Country vs. Woody's Warriors
Brian Westbrook is a fantastic fantasy football player (he's pretty good at the real thing, too), but otherwise Woody's team just doesn't impress me. I'm pretty sure I say that every year, and every year his team proves to be significantly better than mine, but it's still early in the season, so...
Zorn Country by 7

Wyld Stallyns vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs
I actually don't think the loss of Brady will hurt Koehler that much this week, as Kurt Warner seems a pretty safe play. DeYoung will presumably replace Marques Colston with Eddie Royal, but with Brandon Marshall coming back I don't see him nearly repeating last week's performance.
Matt Ryan by 5

Ooslay Oopypay vs. Burke City Giants
A showdown between last week's big dogs (Parker and Turner) seems relatively evenly-matched, but Papkin's defensive matchups look better. Much as I'd detest to see him go 2-0,
Oopypay by 6

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 4-2

BIFL - Week 1 Review

You know, the rumors have been circulating for years. The innuendo... the jokes about me and Soutendijk... the questions about my lack of a girlfriend or even any apparent interest in the female species. I've heard the talk. I know people have their suspicions. Well, it's time to end all the speculation. I've decided to start this season off with a bombshell. That's right, boys, I'm totally gay...

...for Michael Turner.

I'm crazy in love. All week I've been dreaming about him. At school my students wonder where my head is at as I sit at my desk, idly doodling his #33, trying out different variations of "Mrs. Michael Turner," "Mr. & Mrs. Michael and Sovic Turner," "Mrs. Michael Turnersovic." I can't stop thinking about him; he just keeps running (get it?) through my brain. And late at night, when I'm lying in bed? I don't even want to tell you how I think about his ass. He's got an enormous ass. I think it's where his power comes from. I swear when he's cruising down the field it looks like the top end of a man and the back end of a horse. Is it wrong to love a centaur? I feel like I could pound that ass for hours and hours and he might not even notice! And he'd never complain, because Michael is patient and supportive. For years he sat behind LaDainian Tomlinson (lucky stiff), just quietly waiting for his chance to shine until he finally got it with the Falcons. And then he pounced. No, my Michael ain't a whiner or a dog; he's a supportive lover who'd let me tap that big baboon ass all night long without a complaint. He'd just occasionally look back and give me that smile. You know that smile of his, right?

Oh, fuck yeah.

By the way have I mentioned yet that my Dad shouldn't read this post? Dad, if you're reading this, go back like 2 paragraphs and stop. Also if any of my students Googled me and found this, you should stop reading, too. This is totally inappropriate for children your age. Anyways, here's your Biffle Week 1 Review:

Juse & the Argonauts 74, Pet Monkey 96

This was a battle of the shadow-teams, as Juse's Sovic-picked squad faced off against Billy's Bardey-selected roster. The result may be an indication of our puppet-picking styles (Bardey: consulting magazine rankings, fellow drafters, Billy's past tendencies; Sovic: chugging whiskey, puking on copy of Football Prospectus 2006, seeing which name had most bile). Then again, it could be the result of one of Billy's key players (Willie Parker) going off on the hapless Texans defense, whereas one of Justin's (Willis McGahee) never got off the bench. Outside of Parker's 33, neither team had any terribly impressive players. The Argos' Plaxico Burress looked good (15 pts, all of it yardage), and Monkey's Ben Roethlisberger (14 pts) had a respectable passing day to complement Parker's rushing, but both these teams are going to need someone to step up Fast Willie-style every week if they hope to contend this season.

Alligator Fuckhouse 69, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 28.5

This... was incredible. I wish I could devote this space to congratulating Souts on his first solo BIFL victory, but something far more historic happened here. Historically awful. Like, Dark Ages awful. I'm talking Bubonic Plague. Picture the elephant man, stung by a thousand bees, and shat upon by a herd of cows, and then shuddering at the sight of something far uglier: Dick's 28 and a half points this week. I don't have the time this week to go digging back into the archives, but if anyone can find a worse performance than this in Biffle history I will buy them dinner. Let's inspect this historic roll call: Carson Palmer - 2 points. Palmer's quarterback rating this week is only measurable in the Kelvin scale. LaDainian Tomlinson - 10 points. 10 points! Like manna from heaven! Pretty shitty for the #1 draft pick, though. Fred Taylor - 1 point. I'm pretty sure the Jags offensive line came down with leprosy. I saw a replay where Titans' D-lineman Albert Haynesworth found an ear on the field. Laveranues Coles - 0 points. Inside scoop: I ran into Brett Favre last weekend and he told me that Laveranues Coles refuses to shower with the other guys. And when the coach finally made him, he wore a t-shirt and jean shorts into the shower. Brett told me he would "never throw to that faggot." I thought it was harsh. Shaun McDonald - 2 points. Who? Oh right I remember that guy: Dick's 3rd-highest offensive scorer, right? Chris Cooley - 0 points. Maybe ought to spend less of his prep time for the game blogging and more of that time, well, prepping for the game. IDPs: 6.5 points. Thank god for these guys, or this might have been embarrassing! Nick Folk: 4 points. Didn't the Cowboys score like 5 touchdowns? Did this dude miss a PAT?

Oh man I'm so happy I started this blog so there'll be a persistent link to this performance forever and ever. I'll just post it every so often, when I'm feeling blue. OK moving on,

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 78.5, Egon Spengler 97

[see introduction]

Skinny White Guys 98, Sky Vault Centurions 93

This was one of the closer games this week, and the team's performances were eerily similar: strong comebacks from quarterbacks recovering from illness/injury (McNabb, 30, overcoming shoulder tendinitis, Cutler, 21, overcoming diabetes--seriously); and nearly identical running back production (22 from Grant/Smith, 21 from Portis/Jacobs). Andre actually dominated the wide receiver match-up, especially since Hines Ward and Ben Roethlisberger apparently made a Survivor-style alliance to shut out Santonio Holmes, and more than made up for the 9-point McNabb-Cutler disparity. So how did Bardey win this game? Easy: Mario Williams. You gotta love IDPs, or else Bardey does, because Super Mario's 8 points put him over the top in Week 1.

FUBAR 99, Manatee Eaters 110

As predicted, both of these teams came out strong to start the season. Drew Brees (29) fired up the Saints' offensive machine for what looks to be another season of fireworks, Frank Gore (22) looked like the Frank Gore we all expected to see in 2007, and Calvin Johnson and Lee Evans (12 each) both had solid days. If Spencer's top gun, Joseph Addai, had stepped up, he might have had the game in hand. Unfortunately, Addai apparently suffered a non-concussion, leading to the funniest series of RotoWire updates I've seen in a while, leading each story with the unlikely "Addai (head)..." Chuck, meanwhile, rode to victory on the shoulders of consistent performance across his team, including Peyton Manning (14), Reggie Bush (26), Edgerrin James (12), and Randy Moss (17).

Cholish Chachfaces 101, Chip Lohmiller 105

I'll tell you who Chalski hates this week: Donte' Stallworth. After strong showings from Marion Barber (22), Jerricho Cotchery (16), Reggie Wayne (14) and Marshawn Lynch (14), Mark must have felt like he was well-situated for a win. He was heading into Monday night with a sizeable lead, and all Dekker had playing was a last minute fill-in for the injured Donte' Stallworth: Denver receiver Eddie Royal. I'm sure by now we all know what happened with Mr. Royal on Monday night, as he went off for 146 receiving yards and a touchdown, leading Lohmiller to barely eclipse the Chachfaces in this week's closest game.

Royal and others started off the season with some surprising performances, but ultimately nothing surprises Commandant Lassard, as I correctly predicted all six of this week's games. If you want to know the future, stay tuned for my Week 2 predictions.

NBD - Week 1 Review

There are many reasons to love the first week of the football season, not all of them football-related. There is the cooling of the weather as summer transitions into fall, my favorite season temperature-wise ("finally, sweater weather!"). There is the settling in that happens after the summertime flurry of travel and activity (I was away for all but three weekends in July and August). For me, and for the students amongst us, there is the start of a new school year and all the hopes and possibilities that entails ("Maybe this year I won't have to bribe a student not to tell his parents that I bitch-slapped him with a textbook!"). And then of course there is football, and all its attendant rites and rituals. Though the most sacred of these to me is spending a Sunday lost in the darkness of a sports bar, monitoring six games at once, eating delicious and all-but-poisonous bar food, and drinking my way into forgetting how bad the Redskins are for yet another season, a close second is the monday night game. Sweet, sweet, Monday Night Football, which turns what would be an otherwise be an utterly worthless night of the week (I'm exhausted, I'm cranky, and there's still four more days of work before the weekend) into a last gasp of weekend sports fanaticism, and a last chance to close out that week's fantasy game. Those MNF commercials are as effective an advertising campaign as I've seen, and not necessarily because they're clever (though they occasionally are), but because they're so damn right. Almost nothing in my life (and keep in mind here that I haven't touched a boob since like 2003) brings me more pleasure than a Monday Night game where my fantasy score hangs in the balance. This season started with not one but two of these games in the NBD League, with two match-ups not being settled until Monday Night, and by less than 1 point each.


CH Croakies 86.28, I Drink Your Milkshake! 85.40
After Sunday, Elliott was down by 17 points with Adrian Peterson and the Green Bay Defense still to play against my Ryan Grant. Considering that Peterson and GB D/ST were playing against each other, it would have seemed difficult for the two to combine for too many points. AP would have to rack up the yardage without scoring too much, and/or the Packers would need special teams points and defensive points from picks and fumble recoveries. Well, damn it all if that isn't exactly what they did. I will let the transcript of our text messages tell the tale:
(pre-game)
Elliott: I'm f'ed. i just realized that i have the green bay def playing.
Sovic: Not like they're gonna give you negative points, but yeah if ap has a big night, you'll be getting less from your d. And eighteen points is a lot of ground to cover with grant playing too.
(third quarter Will Blackmon punt return puts Elliott up slightly)
Elliott: YES!
Sovic: Fucking fuck
Elliott: Haha. fantasy is a cruel sport. sitll plenty of time left.
(fourth quarter Ryan Grant 57 yd run gives Sovic a 4-point cushion)
Sovic: Huge!
Elliott: That might be it.
(fourth quarter Adrian Peterson TD brings Elliott within a point)
Sovic: Jesus i can't take this.
Elliott: Haha. thank god we dont have players in the second game.
(fourth quarter 2 min warning)
Elliott: This could be the most exciting 2 min in nbd history.
(fourth quarter Atari Bigby interception puts Elliott up by .88)
Elliott: Is that game?
Sovic: Unbelievable.
Elliott: That was awesome!


Chestpubes & Ballfro 78.60, Mephistopheles 78.22
If Monday night was cruel to me, it was downright brutal to our league's other Tarasovic. The match-up between Joe and Ray had several players going on Monday night, and after the first game the Devil's team had a 13-point cushion. With Darren McFadden and Tony Scheffler going for the Chestpubers, that lead looked iffy, but when McFadden left with a shoulder injury, Ray must have been feeling safe and sound with his first victory of the season. And then, in one play, the bottom dropped out as Jay Cutler found Scheffler completely uncovered for a 72-yard reception (his only of the night) putting C&B up by a fraction of a point, the fraction that would decide the game.


The Leadfarmers 98.64, Woody's Warriors 82.16
Two of last season's strongest teams were Derek Haller's and Eric Sherwood's, and both looked to be strong again this season heading into a Week 1 collision. Their marquee players certainly showed up, essentially cancelling each other out with 22 points from Derek's Marion Barber and 21 points from Woody's Brian Westbrook. The supporting casts were equally strong, with solid outings from Randy Moss, Plaxico Burress, and Edgerrin James for the Leadfarmers and Calvin Johnson, Jerricho Cotchery and Antonio Gates for the Warriors. The difference in this game came from a surprising place: the quarterback advantage, where Woody must have felt he had the advantage with Carson Palmer taking on Eli Manning. But much to his chagrin, Eli posted a perfectly respectable 14 points while Palmer fell flat with a measly 4.


Zorn Country 53.16, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 84.84
Frank Gore was one of fantasy's biggest underachievers last season, but amidst speculation of a full recovery from his injury woes and a revamped role in San Fran's Mike Martz offense, Koehler chose to keep him this season. That decision was richly rewarded in Week 1, as Gore put together 96 rushing yards, 56 receiving yards, and a touchdown. Coupled with Thomas Jones, who also had a strong start to the season after a disappointing 2007, Koehler's running backs posted 37 points this week. That alone was almost enough to beat Haller's boys, who were simply awful this week. The lone bright spots were Brett Favre (though his 14 points were hardly spectacular) and the Chicago Defense, which was actually the high scorer for Zorn Country. Other than those two, only Clinton Portis scored more than 5 points for Haller. Not a recipe for fantasy success.


Wyld Stallyns 67.52, Burke City Giants 100.06
We've seen this situation before: a long-time back-up who has shown flashes of brilliance in limited time moves to a starting position with a new team, and the expectations amongst fantasy fanboys are huge, and usually unmet. Think of Lamont Jordan going from the Jets to the Raiders, or Matt Schaub moving from Atlanta to Houston, or Thomas Jones' transition from Chicago to New York. None of these has done as much in so little time to prove their worth as Michael Turner, who dropped 220 rushing yards and two touchdowns on the Stallyns' heads this week, pretty much single-handedly constituting the (large) score differential in this game. DeYoung's squad, meanwhile, continues to get hit with the injury bug, as Marques Colston has been put on the shelf for 4-6 weeks. This is the third season in a row DeYoung has been hit with a major injury (Deuce McAllister, Steven Jackson, and now Colston); it's almost as though Deezer has come to embody his beloved N'Awlins--continually battered by natural disasters, but too hardheaded to just get out of the game.


Ooslay Oopypay 107.14, Tri Steeg Area 95.28
I seem to recall that Kex lost a lot of games last year in unlucky fashion, scoring a lot of points, but always against a team that scored just a few more. That could be true, or I could totally be making it up, but if it is true then he picked up this year right where he left off. This week's opponent was Papkin, and his Loose Poopers put up this week's high score. This came largely on the shoulders of Willie Parker, who must have taken offense at my criticism of last year's touchdown total since he has already surpassed it. Close behind was Donovan McNabb, who looked frighteningly good (if you're a Skins fan) scoring 27 points and throwing to a variety of unheralded receivers. Despite his huge point total this week, though, Papkin can't count on those kinds of performances from McNabb and Parker every week, and he's got to be worried about Willis McGahee's goose-egg, and Torry Holt's 9 receiving yards. Manning, on the other hand, can't be too disheartened by this loss considering the strong outings by Reggie Bush, TO, and Earnest Graham.

...And so another another fine season of Native Burke Dwellers kicks off. I foresee another year of parity and excitement, as well as hopefully some increased opportunities to shit all over Papkin's team. If you've read this far, you probably deserve a reward. Here you go:



Week 2 Previews coming soon.

BIFL - Week 1 Preview

It's always hard to know what to expect going into the first week of the season (well, except for the Giants-'Skins game; I'm pretty sure I can expect the 'Skins to look awful and throw third-down passes a few yards short of the first-down marker all game), but that won't stop me from making some completely uneducated predictions about what's going to happen this week.

Juse & the Argonauts vs. Pet Monkey

The Argonauts are off to a strong start already with the 15-point performance of Plaxico Burress, but Santana Moss' 9 keeps Billy in the hunt. I don't see either of these teams having a terrible advantage over the other, but with a lot of question marks surrounding Justin's team (Derek Anderson getting over a concussion, Darren McFadden in his first NFL game, Willis McGahee not quite 100%, and Anquan Boldin not really liking his team), I have to give a slight edge to Billy.

Pet Monkey by 5.
Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon

Dick's team has both the best starting player on any roster (LaDainian Tomlinson) and the worst (Shaun McDonald? Really?) this week, and the advantage of one might just cancel out the other, as Tomlinson has been a relatively slow starter the last few years. These owners will both be minding their P's and Q's this week, with a number of Probable and Questionable players on either team. Soutendijk, in particular, may face a difficult decision sunday morning as to whether to play Jamal Lewis or not, but Chris Perry (currently on his bench) is getting the starting nod for the Bengals, and may not represent much of a dropoff if Lewis can't go. Tom Brady is liable to tear up the Chiefs; neither team has much going for it in the receiver department; and Dick's tight end already played but scored like he didn't. With that in mind:

Fuckhouse by 8

Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. Egon Spengler

This one's gonna look like a blowout early since I've already got 8.5 points out of my linebacker and pretty much my entire team plays at 1:00 on Sunday, whereas Will's curiously-defensive-about-their-sexuality squad plays most of their games later or Monday night. These teams look remarkably well-matched to me, with Maroney-Turner, Houshmandzadeh-Edwards, Welker-Jennings, and Bowe-Jackson all more or less washes. I'll definitely give Will the edge at tight end (anybody want to trade me a TE?), but I'd still take Favre over Schaub, leaving us with the Adrian Peterson-Steven Jackson matchup. I'm gonna give the advantage to Jackson, simply because he doesn't have a Chester Taylor around to take carries, so:

Egon Spengler by 4

Skinny White Guys vs. Sky Vault Centurions

Another year, another team by Andre whose name means nothing to me. Fortunately, I am familiar with the names of the players on his team, and in fact watched two of them (Clinton Portis and Brandon Jacobs) run all over the field on Thursday night. Unfortunately for Dre, none of those runs made it into the end zone. With the Gringos boasting perhaps the best receiving group in the league, Andre needed that running back advantage to put him ahead in this game. While Ryan Grant and Kevin Smith aren't striking fear into anyone's hearts, they're probably not much worse than the 21 points put up by Portis and Jacobs.

White Guys by 10

FUBAR vs. Manatee Eaters

This is a match-up between two teams whose causes I've championed in past Biffle seasons, so it's hard to know who to support, especially now that both teams actually look halfway decent. Spencer has a decided RB advantage, although unlike a lot of the experts, I don't see any reason to expect Frank Gore to be significantly better than he was last year. Chuck, on the other hand, has a very balanced offensive attack, with skill at the QB (Manning) and WR (Moss) positions, plus what could prove to be our first full-season two-TE set featuring Jeremy Shockey and Jason Witten. For that alone,

Eaters by 7

Cholish Chachfaces vs. Extremely Bitter

Matt Hasselbeck is pretty good, but Tony Romo is very good. Marshawn Lynch is very good, but so is Maurice Jones-Drew. Marion Barber is a beast, but Brian Westbrook is the entire Eagles' offense. Reggie Wayne is awesome, but Terrell Owens is (I shudder to say it) Hall of Fame good. See where this is going? These teams both look pretty good to me, but cumulatively, Dekker's is dominant.

Bitter by 10

Like last year, I'll be keeping track of my overall record. If you'd like to compete with me, post your predictions in the Comments section. I will destroy you.

NBD - Week 1 Preview

Bold predictions are less bold when there's already one game in the books, but that won't stop me from being bravely wrong about fantasy outcomes week in and week out. Here are your predictions for the first games of the NBD '08 season.

I Drink Your Milkshake! vs. CH Croakies

12 points is about all you can expect out of a guy who didn't score a touchdown (Brandon Jacobs), but I was hoping for about 3 touchdowns out of that position this week, so Daniel Plainview's boys could be in trouble. Ryan Grant is taking on a stout Minny run defense, whereas Elliott's boys are taking on such notable defensive opponents as San Francisco, New Orleans, and Atlanta. Season-long, I give the advantage to the present administration, but this week belongs to the ex-Commish.

Croakies by 7

Chestpubes & Ballfro vs. Mephistopheles

Once again this year, Mephistopheles has stocked up on older, consistent talent (Marvin Harrison, Larry Johnson, Laveranues Coles) but with little knockout potential. Colly, on the other hand, has several guys with blowup potential (Tony Romo, LaDainian Tomlinson, even - who knows? - Darren McFadden). I expect at least one of these guys will make a statement in week 1, plus Ray's Chris Cooley's already got that hideous 0.7 in ink next to his name.

Chestpubes by 11

The Leadfarmers vs. Woody's Warriors

I saw Tropic Thunder last weekend, and Derek's team name is a lot funnier than I thought. That might influence me enough to pick the Leadfarmers in what I expect to be a close battle. The Manning-Burress combo already had a solid, if not exceptional night, and Randy Moss should be walking all over Kansas City Sunday afternoon. Woody, on the other hand, boasts Brian Westbrook, who'll be touching the ball on roughly 98% of Philly's positions this week with nary a healthy, skilled receiver on the Eagles' roster. I'm also extremely curious to see how it works out starting both Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor; for some reason I think it'll work out well.

Leadfarmers by 2

Zorn Country vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs

If Thursday night and the history of starting rookie quarterbacks are any indication, these teams may be named after two of the biggest losers in the NFL this season. The teams themselves don't look much better to me. With nothing much better-than-average at QB, WR, or TE, Haller will be relying on Joseph Addai and Clinton Portis all season, and one of those guys has already had a pretty underwhelming week 1 performance (Jesus, the Skins need line help). Koehler may be sweating the still-unclear status of Tom Brady's foot, but even if they amputate it I suspect Tom Terrific will have no problem picking apart Kansas City this week. And Thomas Jones (unlike his alma mater, who is just barely beating Richmond as of this writing) should have one of his better games this season against a Miami team that is now Jason Taylor- and Zach Thomas-less, and will have to worry about Brett Favre.

Matt Ryan by 5

Wyld Stallyns vs. Burke City Giants

This looks like an incredibly tight matchup to me, and there are a lot of guys playing on the same teams or against each other on either side, and it makes my head explode when I try to figure out how they cancel each other out. For example, Dallas-Cleveland could be shootout between two effective offenses, which will help Michael's Derek Anderson, but he'll be throwing passes to DeYoung's Braylon Edwards. Then again, Anderson can score points without Edwards, whereas Edwards can't score points without Anderson. Then again again, the Cowboys will probably be throwing the ball too, giving some strength to DeYoung's Jason Witten. Ultimately, I'm giving the edge to the best player in this game (Stephen Jackson) and the fact that the Stallyns got more points out of Santana Moss than I would have expected.

Stallyns by 3

Ooslay Oopypay vs. Tri Steeg Area

Yahoo's predictions have this game settled by less than a point, but when I go through the match-up position-by-position, the Tri Steeg Area side of the board looks better in almost every category (at least in their matchups/situations this week). Somehow, Yahoo has also projected Benjamin Watson to score -.2 points this week, which could only happen to a guy on Papkin's team.

Tri Steeg Area by 9

I'll be keeping track of my record throughout the season. If anyone wants to compete against me, drop your predictions in the Comments section and it'll be on like Donkey Kong.

BIFL - Draft Recap

Well, it's been over a week since 2008's Biffle draft, and though only one actual NFL game has been played in that time, I feel that the valuable insights gained from the Redskins unsightly performance against the Giants have given me enough perspective to reflect and comment on the draft. That is to say, I've now got the perspective of a man who's watched his team start the season looking utterly atrocious, and am now full of bitter rage and hatred. That means angry NOTES, just the way you like 'em.
The 1st Round, of course, featured the return of some big names to the draft pool, and they were appropriately snapped up quickly. Tomlinson, Brady and Manning (drafted by Dick, Souts, and Chuck, respectively) have been the three most reliable names in fantasy for several years now, and they were the first three names off the board. The most interesting of these picks is McNutt's decision to take Manning, considering that he could have kept Brady in this spot instead. It will be interesting to see how the difference between Brady and Manning's performances compares to Jason Witten's performance as compared to other tight ends (Chuck used his keeper spot on Witten in the 9th rather than Brady in the 1st).
The other interesting pick of this round was Justin's selection of Darren McFadden, executed by yours truly. I did not make this decision randomly, as Juse's draft strategy had specified that he wanted McFadden in the first, but it did not take into account his subsequent e-mail telling me that he was second-guessing his decision and thought maybe he should take somebody more reliable like Willis McGahee instead. Having been too lazy to respond to this e-mail, I went ahead and grabbed McFadden, but felt a little better about it when I was able to draft McGahee for Rousseau in the...
2nd Round. This round was otherwise fairly unremarkable other than Souts' decision to grab Chad Johnson with the penultimate pick of the second. At the time, the effect of Chad's torn labrum was very much up in the air, but this didn't seem to matter much to Soutendijk, probably because he was completely unaware of it. In the week-and-a-half since, the outlook on the injury has brightened a bit, as Johnson has announced he'll be playing through the injury rather than having surgery or rehab or something, but the extent to which it'll affect his play remains to be seen. For the record, I won't be referring to this guy as "Chad Ocho Cinco," despite his legal name change and the fact that his name actually appears that way on Souts' roster, which is kind of funny. But wouldn't this whole stunt have been a lot funnier if he had done it, like, a year ago? Before he tried to play a game with "Ocho Cinco" on his jersey? Or before I became annoyed that it wasn't the more-correct "Ochenta y Cinco?"
Anyways, that round and the 3rd Round ended/began with a pair of questionable picks by Dick, who took suspended receiver Steve Smith followed by Carson Palmer. I don't like Palmer at all for some reason this year, though I guess it made sense to take a quarterback after locking up a top RB and WR. Having just taken a guy who'll miss the first two games, however, I probably would have gone for a second back or another receiver here, so that I didn't end up starting Shaun McDonald in week 1 in my flex spot. The Palmer pick is doubly questionable for the fact that Drew Brees was still available, who I (and most of the "experts") figure to have a much better season than Carson.
I also am entirely unpsyched about 3rd-round selections Roy Williams (Andre) and Antonio Gates (Billy via Bardey). Williams will be playing in a post-Martz offense, meaning a likely downturn in the passing game, and faces competition with an up-and-coming, more physically gifted #2 (Calvin Johnson). Gates has still not proven that he's over his toe issues from last season, and is no longer the only class of the tight end field, lowering his relative value even if he does regain the form of 2006. Of course, this pick was made more out of a sense of tradition (Billy always has Gates) than any actual fantasy logic, so I can't nitpick it too much (in fact, if memory serves me correctly I'm pretty sure I enthusiastically supported its execution at the time).
In the 4th Round I puked in my mouth a little bit when Chalski selected Selvin Young, followed a few picks later by Chuck's Ronnie Brown pick. I'm getting the sense more and more (bolstered by Ricky Williams' contract extension) that Ronnie Brown might actually have died sometime back in April, but he did have a very promising start to last season, and I can understand Chuck's desire to grab as many maybe-good running backs as possible considering that his first round and keeper selections were QB, WR, and TE. The Selvin Young pick, on the other hand, surprised me simply because Marcus already had two great ballcarriers under contract (Lynch and Barber) and could have used some help at the receiver and quarterback positions. Plus I'm pretty sure Young would have still been available one or even two rounds later, when Chalski took human toothpick Bernard Berrian, one of the worst WR2s I've ever seen.
Woof. I gotta speed this up if I'm gonna finish sometime today.
In the 5th Round, I take note of how far the once-mighty Marvin Harrison has fallen, as I took him at the top of the round, and honestly would have rather had Chris Chambers (taken by Dekker 8 picks later) if I had realized he was still available. My self-loathing extends to Rousseau's (which is to say my) Derek Anderson pick and Bardois' Matt Forte selection. I took both these guys in other drafts, and instantly felt a deep and ugly shame about those picks.
In the 6th Round, Will took Dallas Clark, who is a fuckstick that I hate and should probably die, but this video, made in response to Clark's complaints about getting bitched in a Madden commercial, has always made me laugh:

The 6th also saw the traditional rookie running back run, as Rashard Mendenhall (Dekker), Jonathan Stewart (Andre) and Felix Jones (Spencer) came off the board. Ahh, I remember fondly the rookie running back runs of yesteryear. You know what I don't remember, though? The names of any of those guys, as they mostly amount to shit.
The 6th and 7th Rounds also featured a surprisingly high number of keepers, and that trend might continue next year as I see a lot of value in the 7th, including Chris Johnson (Sovic), Jeremy Shockey (Chuck), and Ricky Williams (Dekker).
The 8th Round consisted mostly of suckers, whereas the 9th Round saw many lame-o's come off the board. This represents a sharp contrast from last year, when most of our owners took their lame-o's well ahead of their suckers. As noted by Tristan Cockcroft and Christopher Harris, there just seems to be a lot of depth at the position this year, leading many to wait on their lame-o picks.
The 10th Round was notable for the first selection of a guy I'd never heard of, Ben Obamanu (Andre). Despite literally dozens of hours of fantasy research, I've never heard of this guy before. I'm also fairly certain I'll never hear of him again.
The 11th Round saw the first IDP selected (Souts' Patrick Willis), which is probably a good indication that I can stop blogging the draft. There were 6 more rounds after this, and the only thing I care to note about them is the falls from grace for Marc Bulger (Bardey-11), Kevin Jones (Chalski-12), and Jon Kitna (Dekker-13), all of whom were top 5-round picks within the last few years. If any can recapture former glory, they'll be huge values this late in the draft. More likely, though, they're all on their way out of fantasy relevance. The best pick I see in these late rounds is Soutendijk's selection of Chris Perry in the 14th, who will be starting this week for the Bengals. Kenny Watson is certainly in the picture, but with Rudi Johnson cut after the draft, this certainly looks like a great late pick-up and a potential keeper value for several years to come.
So that about wraps it up for the draft recap. Teams I don't hate this season include Extremely Bitter (Romo/Westbrook/Owens is a great big 3, although it is full of hated NFL East rivals, so Dekker may actually have reason to be Extremely Bitter if he has a good team); Alligator Fuckhouse (if CJ stays alive and Thomas Jones & Jamal Lewis can squeeze one more year out of their aging bodies); and Cholish Chachfaces (Barber-Lynch and Wayne-Holt could be two great combos). Congratulations, fuckos. My endorsement is usually the kiss of death. Just ask Spencer about last year.
Season starts for real tomorrow (I'm choosing to ignore Thursday night's game). I hope all your players die and/or contract gonorrhea. Enjoy that.

Fantasy & Politics - Obsessions Collide

This made me laugh, from the fine people at The Morning News:

The Fierce Urgency of Pre-Season Rankings