Dobis (P)PR (114) over Quarterback Camp (103)
Although Souts locked up a lifetime of wedded bliss this weekend, lucked into an absolutely gorgeous weekend weather-wise, and threw an incredible party to celebrate it, he could not manage the ultimate accomplishment: a BDBKB victory. It's not as though his team didn't have a chance. Jamaal Charles (38) went absolutely nuts on Sunday, ripping a gaping hole through Dobis PR. But with Dobis' Cardinal defense (21) playing olé to the run game, the Campers became completely one-dimensional, leading Cam Newton (10) to sulk on the sidelines at his non-involvement, despite an early lead. That was when Eli Manning (16) began his slow, methodical charge back into contention, connecting first to Brandon Lloyd (15) and then to the newly-acquired Kyle Rudolph (18). When the score got tight in the fourth quarter, Newton couldn't handle the pressure, whiffing on passes to the neglected DeSean Jackson (6) and Demaryius Thomas (3). After recovering possession and marching down the field, Eli calmly handed the ball off to Cedric Benson (14) and watched him cross the goal line with it, looking for all the world like a proud papa handing his precious little girl off to a trustworthy new son-in-law.
Tumblin' Dice (139) over Colonel Red Beard (76)
Like Souts, Bev saw one of life's greatest joys - the birth of his first son - utterly tarnished this week by a horrendous fantasy loss. One wonders if the boy will grow up to be a terrible fantasy owner as well, or if he has the power to overcome his genes. Fortunately, it seems that little Sammy will have a strong fantasy mentor in the family, as Uncle Wilson led the league in scoring this week after being the second-highest scorer back in week 1. The Dice have been lighting it up through the air; if only the reality RGIII (25) was blessed with a receiving corps as powerful as AJ Green (27), Calvin Johnson (27) and Santonio Holmes (19). By comparison, the Red Beards passing game was totally lame: Philip Rivers (3) didn't seem able to complete a pass of more than five yards to Victor Cruz (7), Malcom Floyd (7), or Miles Austin (13). Only Tony Gonzalez (20) showed glimmers of life as a pass-catcher, and there wasn't much of a running game (13 combined from LeSean McCoy and Chris Johnson) to back him up. It's probably time for CJ to hit the pine, and with Beanie Wells going down, Ryan Williams might be a solid enough option to displace him in the starting line-up.
Fire Al Groh (92) over Team Pinhead (87)
Though hardly high-flying, this was the closest and most exciting match-up of the week in BDBKB. In many ways, the game was played to a stand-still, with Groh's running back duo of Trent Richardson (14) and Alfred Morris (14) matching up to the Pinheads' Maurice Jones-Drew (26). Flex backs Ryan Mathews (8) and Adrian Peterson (12) didn't provide much separation either. It's true that F.A.G.'s Michael Vick (8) didn't have nearly the quarterbacking day that Drew Brees (20) did, but then neither could Pinhead Roddy White (8) touch the performance of Larry Fitzgerald (22). No, the difference in this game came down to two men. This guy.
And this guy.
That's right, it was to be an old-fashioned doof-off! Any time these two face each other you know you're in for some serious doofery. But in a match-up like this, with the game on the line? Who had the doofs to step up and claim victory for his team?
Advantage: GOSTKOWSKI (13)!
(Kaeding, 4)
HollyBoneWoodJerMajestyD'Brickashaw (106) over Dagobah System Silent Partner (63)
Oh, Dagobah. This was hideous. The lowest score in the history of this young league. Just to be clear: although this is a half-point per reception league, that is not the only way to score points. Once guys like Jordy Nelson (3) and BrandonLaFell (3) make those receptions, they should still try to, you know, gain yardage and score touchdowns and stuff. Maybe it's Aaron Rodgers' (11) fault? Maybe he doesn't realize that he'll be rewarded for throwing completions down the field and into the end zone? I feel like there must be some miscommunication here. Speaking of communication, it looks like HollyBone's Tom Brady (18) and Wes Welker (18) finally patched up whatever spat had afflicted them the first two weeks of the season. Brady also made good use of Davone Bess (11) and Jared Cook (16), and just as the wealth was spread around in the pass game, so it was in the BoneWood run game. Neither Darren Sproles (6), Marshawn Lynch (10), nor Michael Bush (14) was spectacular, but cumulatively they got the job done, which wasn't hard against such an atrocious opponent.
Big Blue (120) over Joe's Fightin' Blue Hens (98)
Thank God that Casanova left Andre Brown (27) on the bench, or else I'd have no smack talk with which to back up our comments-section feud. Why buy a guy whose usefulness hinges on an injury, then not play him while he's most useful? Especially when one of the spots you could have started him in was occupied by a guy who, it had been announced, was getting replaced in the lineup by Mikel LeShoure (Kevin Smith, 0)? It's a little mind-boggling. Still, it's hard to shit on Big Blue too hard, since they won this game pretty handily and posted one of the highest scores in the league this week. With the afore-mentioned Smith providing nothing out of the backfield, it fell to Big Ben Roethlisberger (32) to provide Big Blue with a Big Day, and he did. Andre Johnson (14) and Martellus Bennett (16) were open all afternoon, and when they weren't it was because they were run-blocking for Michael Turner (15). Mike Wallace (22), Vernon Davis (14) and the Bears defense (20) made a valiant effort to keep the Blue Hens in this one, but they just couldn't keep up. Tony Romo (6) absolutely shit the bed with interceptions and fumbles, and one wonders what has happened to lead unabashed Flacco-lover Jesse to leave his hero (26) on the bench. The Hens' early-season nightmare may soon be coming to an end, with Flacco returning to the starting line-up and Ahmad Bradshaw and Fred Jackson returning from injury.
Pterodactyl Attack (120) over It's So Cold in the D (98)
Remember the heyday of the Peyton Manning-led Colts offense, when they weren't necessarily winning SuperBowls every year, but pretty much every week of the regular season, as long as they weren't up against a buzzsaw opponent and didn't make some terrible mistake, they were pretty much a lock to win? I feel that way about this year's Pterodactyl attack. They are simply a squad of professionals. Arian Foster (17) is going to produce something like 100 yards and a touchdown. Matt Ryan (21) and Julio Jones (15) are going to hook up for a score or two. BenJarvus Green- Ellis (8) isn't going to wow you but he's going to provide consistently. And somebody else, be it DeAngelo Williams (8), Jimmy Graham (10) or - as it was this week - Eric Decker (18) is going to give you something. Unless they fuck something up, or unless you bring the pain against them, they're going to beat you. This fate befell the It's So Cold squad, who put up some perfectly decent numbers this week, just not enough. Ray Rice (24) had his finest running performance so far this year. Carson Palmer (19) looked competent, connecting solidly with Percy Harvin (14) and Reggie Wayne (13). But with the Steelers defense (2) failing to put pressure on the Pterodactyls, Antonio Gates (4) still nursing some injury or another, there just wasn't enough there to stop this pre-historic train.
Thursday Night Football Update: Josh Cribbs is alive, and Mike Mayock's lisp is infuriating.
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