BIFL - Week 9 Review

Last night, the citizens of the United States of America witnessed and participated in an historic moment in their history as a nation. It was an event 232 years in the making, since our country's leaders first came together and declared us one people, united together in the dream of affording every citizen life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And today, that dream is one giant step closer to being a reality for all. At 10:47pm, on CNN, Americans paused as Anderson Cooper made the announcement from his New York studio: he was about to interview Black-Eyed Peas frontman and mega-producer Will.i.am in Chicago via Hologram. That's right, bitches. Holograms! We finally did it!

When Will, clad in his traditional steampunk cap and purple hoodie suit ensemble, appeared in the studio as if by magic, and spoke of the text message he had received from his mom, I knew that all across America other young African Americans were also receiving text messages from their mothers and fathers and grandparents. SMS networks across the country and indeed around the world were ablaze with the texts of a revolution: a man had been interviewed via hologram, and it was a black man. To his credit, Will appeared in the hologram not as the first black American to be interviewed holographically, but as the first American to be interviewed holographically who also happened to be black.
In light of this historic night, I think that we can safely say that America has entered a post-racial society of once-imaginary technological advancement. In the next few years, I see Hispanic Americans riding hoverboards; I see Muslim Americans driving flying cars; I see the children of immigrants and the children of Mayflower families playing in the clouds together with their jetpacks. And one day, when Americans of all races are beaming up for the summer to their rental units on Mars, we may even see it: a black President.
Yes we can.

Before we move on into the bright future of peace and harmony augured by Will.i.am's achievement, it's always a good idea to look back at what came before. With that in mind, here's Week 9 in BIFL:

Santonio's Blunts 84, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 49.5
Woof. A couple of weeks ago I traded Dwayne Bowe and Steven Jackson to Justin for Anquan Boldin, Isaac Bruce and Sammy Morris. I haven't used Bruce yet and Morris has been injured, but Boldin has been great. After one week of getting the upper hand of a trade, you feel like a winner, but after two weeks, you wonder if you should be feeling a little guilty. Steven Jackson, apparently eager to get into the good graces of his new owner, said that he was ready to play this week but clearly wasn't, mustering up a measly 1 point. Bowe was better, posting a respectable 8 points, but he was acquired to be a lesser complement to Plaxico Burress and Brandon Marshall, who combined had only 5 points. All of this is a roundabout way of saying that Justin's team ate some serious dick in Week 9. His opponent, the Blunts, were hardly extraordinary, but Donovan McNabb (21), Matt Forte (14), and Andre Johnson (12) were the Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida of this game: big swing states with many fantasy electoral points that put the contest out of reach.

FUBAR 81.5, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 81.5
Is there anything less satisfying than a tie? As much joy as it brings me to see the assymetry of two of those X-Y-Z records on the standings board, if the cutoff for making the playoffs was 7-6 and I found myself 6-6-1, I would probably shit a break and demand a recount or something. Let's get on setting a tiebreak system before that happens. Traditionally, bench points are used in fantasy as a tiebreaker, and that would lead Spencer (10 bench points) to take this one over Dick (8 bench points). I actually think it makes more sense, however, to look at the benches and the starting lineups and determine each team's optimal score. All of Spence's bench points came from Kolby Smith, who managed 10 points before suffering a knee injury that will apparently end his season. Put him in the line-up for Joseph Addai (4) and FUBAR has this game clearly won. Dick, on the other hand, had three bench scorers: Nick Folk (2), Hank Baskett (2), and Patrick Crayton (4). Put any of these guys in the line-up and the team's total stays the same or goes down. Ergo, Dick did the better job of managing his team this week, and thus deserves the win! Congrats, Dick! In my heart and on this blog (if nowhere else), you've got a victory.

Oh, as for real scoring in this one: CJ3(15), Bulger (14), D. Ward (14), Rashied Davis (12) for Spence. Driver (21) and E. Manning (11) for Dick. Jesus, is that all in double figures for Dick? Maybe he should lose after all.

Cholish Chachfaces 75, Egon Spengler 80
Had Mark and I tied (which looked conceivable basically until the end of Monday night's Steelers-Redskins debacle), and had we used my new ingenious tiebreaker system to determine the outcome, Chalski would have lost big time. He left a lot of points on the bench. Of course, no one could fault the Cholach for starting Marshawn Lynch (8) over Ray Rice (19), or Marion Barber (5) over Tim Hightower (18), but those decisions cost Chalski 24 points that he really could have used in this important BIFL East match-up. My own running backs, on the other hand, were the engine that drove Spengler success this week. Michael Turner (15) proved once again that he will top 100 yards as long as the defense he's playing is absolutely dickless, and Chris Johnson (21) put up another week that quietly has me shifting my early-season Burner man-love to his backfield mate (get it? man-love? backfield mate? oh my god, I'm funny) Usually rookie running backs tend to wear down as their first pro season wears on, and the small, light Johnson seems a very likely candidate for this sort of erosion, but during overtime of a Week 9 game he looked like a tank, rattling off 7- to 10-yard runs seemingly every time he touched the ball. Anyways, as was previously mentioned, Anquan Boldin (14) also had a hand in the Egon Spengler win.

Manatee Eaters 103.5, Sky Vault Centurions 96
Jesus, does anyone realize that Bernard Berrian (20) is averaging 19 fantasy points over his last four games? I would love to give Chuck a hard time and suggest that he's the recipient of some lucky success after making a homer pick, but I actually rode a similar wave of Berrian production two seasons ago into the playoffs, so I can't criticize. I can warn him, however, that a guy who gets all his points on big plays (this week: 2 catches for 104 yards and 1 touchdown) is always a threat to post an 0-fer type game, and since Chuck's likely entry into the playoffs this season will be a rare treat for him, he should know that he'll want some consistency in that part of the season. The MEaters will hope that that consistency will come in the form of Peyton Manning (20), Ronnie Brown (14) or Steve Slaton (11). The Centurions' most consistent player - and maybe the league's - has been Clinton Portis, but this week's dismal contest against the Steelers brought his weakest showing since the opener (13 points). Brandon Jacobs (19) tried to pick him up, and Jay Cutler (16) looked to be back on the horse after a lousy game against the Patriots and the bye, but their efforts weren't enough to put them past Chuck's crew.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 106, Pet Monkey 76
Nothing makes me angrier than Shoaf having a successful fantasy team, except when he has a successful fantasy team because of Adrian Peterson, who I love to root against. So it's safe to say that following his fourth consecutive win, and with Peterson (21) posting his second-highest point total of the season, I'm full of bitterness, hatred, and vitriol. I suppose that's nothing new, though. Stryker was the league's high scorer this week, but he hardly needed to be against a lame effort by a Pet Monkey squad still recovering from last week's Hollywood rhinoplasty. Billy may now boast a cute button nose, but that's about all he'll be boasting about. Aaron Rodgers (15) and Willie Parker (13) were the only Monkey starters in double figures, and while Billy lamented his last-minute substitution of Parker-for-Norwood on the smackboard, reversing that decision would only have netted him 1 more point, which still leaves him 29 short of Will's squad.

(NB: I'm aware of the fact that Billy's "lame" point total was actually only a few lower than my own Week 9 total. But they're totally different situations. You can't even compare them. Think about it.)

Alligator Fuckhouse 104.5, Chip Lohmiller 108
This hot Dutch-on-Dutch match-up was the shootout of the week, with the dust remaining unsettled until Monday night, when Shaun Suisham's two field goals - the only scoring the Redskins did - pushed Dekker finally into winning position. Soutendijk's strong performance came from some unexpected sources, which is kind of redundant since anyone on Souts' team having a "strong performance" is, by definition, "unexpected." Anyways, Chad Johnson (15) still didn't gain much in the way of yardage, but he did catch two touchdowns in the Bengals' first win of the season. Antonio Bryant (19) and Owen Daniels (15) also chipped in, and even one of the Fuckhousers' IDPs, Darelle Revis (10) got in on the scoring action. It was all for naught, though, as Lohmiller rode a pair of old-timers (Jeff Garcia, 19, and Derrick Mason, 21) and a rookie (Eddie Royal, 12) to eventual victory.

Good to be back at full strenth. More to come on Friday or Saturday with Week 10 projections and the usual pictures of naked ladies and weird nature.